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Cousins: Connected through slavery, a Black woman and a White woman discover their past—and each other
What happens when a White woman, Phoebe, contacts a Black woman, Betty, saying she suspects they are connected through slavery? First surprise? Betty responds, “Hello, Cousin.” Betty had fought for an education and won. She broke through the concrete ceiling in the workplace and succeeded. A documentary of her life was about to debut. Without thinking, she invites Phoebe to a family dinner and the premiere of the documentary. Second surprise? She forgot to tell her family who was coming to dinner. Betty finds an activist partner in Phoebe. Cousins indeed, they commit to a path of reconciliation. In alternating chapters, each tells her dramatic story—from Betty's experience as one of the first Black children to attend her desegregated school, to Phoebe's eventual question to “How do I begin to repair the harms?” Piercingly honest. Includes a working reparations project which the two women conceived together.
257 pages, Kindle Edition
Published March 3, 2021
67 people are currently reading
138 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 30 reviews
February 1, 2023
An outstanding memoir of two women connected through slavery and their efforts to enlighten others of what might be done now in order to draw blacks and whites together.
June 6, 2021
Cousins-Authors- Betty Kilby Baldwin and Phoebe Kilby
I really had high hopes for this book. How wonderful it would be to find two people, related by awful circumstances, by a stain on our history, who were able to conquer racism and its implications. However, although the double “memoir” is interesting, it devolves into a completely politically biased presentation trashing Republicans and elevating Democrats, paying homage to Obama, who did little for people of color, and denigrating the man who came afterwards. The book disregarded many facts and only addressed part of the story, the part that fit their intended narrative.
Phoebe acknowledges her support for Democrats when Betty’s cousin seems concerned and belligerent when unsure of her political persuasion. She never mentions that it was the Democrats that fought the Civil Rights Movement, supported the Confederacy, created the KKK and continue even today, to implement programs that defeat minorities, impede their education, and prevent their legitimate advancement. She never mentions the Eugenics Program that that they supported, either. Only one side of the coin is addressed in this book, in the interest of justice, and yet it seems that to present half the story under serves justice.
Phoebe’s entire presentation seems to be an effort to present her as noble, driven by a need to apologize for crimes she neither committed nor knew her family did, until she did a good deal of research, almost hoping that their culpability would be discovered. When it was, it went back two to three generations, to her great, great grandparents at least, whom she had not even known had held slaves. Phoebe actually did spend most of her life working for liberal causes, which was admirable, but she didn’t seem to realize that a lot of the issues she dealt with were a result of many of the liberal policies she supported.
Betty, along with her brother James, bravely integrated a formerly segregated school. I admired Betty’s effort to work for civil rights because her whole life had been directed that way by her own father. He had the courage of his convictions and instilled it into his family. Phoebe and Betty both shared a name and a background. The endeavor to discover their roots and meet on common ground is noteworthy and noble. However, for Phoebe to have to apologize for “the sins of the father” seemed a bit of a stretch to me. However, admitting that, they would say made me a racist. If you question their conclusions, you are automatically judged negatively as someone unable to deal with your own share of responsibility and guilt for the years of slavery, even if you were not even in this country at the time. As a white person, you have a built-in radar which triggers your prejudices, even if you are unaware of it.
I do have many questions, after reading about the program Coming To The Table and their ambitious efforts. Do African Americans, regardless of whether or not they came from Africa, have to also repent for the crimes of the Africans who sold them into slavery, or is it a one-way street with only European Americans responsible for the atrocity of slavery, regardless of whether or not they were even in America at the time. Also, I think the scholarship fund is an admirable idea, but sending unqualified students to college means there may be unqualified graduates setting out to get a job that they cannot perform up to the required standards. Would it not be better to establish a fund to bring the student’s academic achievements up, rather than giving anyone a leg up before they are ready?
Phoebe was brought up in luxury, because her father was a doctor, not a slaveholder. However, her ancestors were slave owners. She had to do much research to discover this fact, so why is she guilt ridden. She believes that her upbringing reflected the prejudices of her family’s evil background, and that it is reflected, unknowingly, in some of her own behavior over the years. She believes that she must atone for their sins, and her own, and that is why the scholarship fund for relatives of certain former slaves was established as a form of reparation/reconciliation.
Betty was brought up as a G-d fearing citizen and is optimistic about the future, although she is traumatized by her family history of slavery which goes back several generations. This made me wonder if I, as a Jew, must be traumatized by the Holocaust and fear all Germans forever, since it must be in the upbringing of Germans to persecute Jews. if the white person cannot escape their prejudice toward people of color, how can the Germans escape their prejudice toward people not considered Aryan enough. I wondered if the reasoning was not somewhat flawed, since it seemed to say that there could never be redemption, only shame and the need for reparations forever. |
Although Phoebe speaks of Palestine, as a Jew that supports Israel, I believe that there is no Palestine yet. The Arabs have not accepted a solution and have only espoused the desire to destroy Israel. So, isn’t the judgment flawed here, since only one side of the argument is allowed to be legitimate in so much of their reasoning? It seems to only forgive one side of the street and to condemn the other, as if there is no other injustice in the world but that which they acknowledge.
One of these women suffers from guilt, whether or not it is deserved, and the other from PTSS, Post Traumatic Slavery Syndrome for a history she did not experience. I am not questioning their feelings or comparing their experiences or suffering to mine, but I, of Jewish heritage, have also experienced rejection, humiliation and abuse at the hands of white and black people. Doors were closed to my ancestors and even more currently, to my children. Am I to hold all black and white people who are not Jewish, responsible, and therefore demand some kind of reconciliation or reparations, as well? Does that question make me a racist or someone asking a legitimate and fair question? Many people suffer, many people make poor choices, is someone else, always to blame?
I really had high hopes for this book. How wonderful it would be to find two people, related by awful circumstances, by a stain on our history, who were able to conquer racism and its implications. However, although the double “memoir” is interesting, it devolves into a completely politically biased presentation trashing Republicans and elevating Democrats, paying homage to Obama, who did little for people of color, and denigrating the man who came afterwards. The book disregarded many facts and only addressed part of the story, the part that fit their intended narrative.
Phoebe acknowledges her support for Democrats when Betty’s cousin seems concerned and belligerent when unsure of her political persuasion. She never mentions that it was the Democrats that fought the Civil Rights Movement, supported the Confederacy, created the KKK and continue even today, to implement programs that defeat minorities, impede their education, and prevent their legitimate advancement. She never mentions the Eugenics Program that that they supported, either. Only one side of the coin is addressed in this book, in the interest of justice, and yet it seems that to present half the story under serves justice.
Phoebe’s entire presentation seems to be an effort to present her as noble, driven by a need to apologize for crimes she neither committed nor knew her family did, until she did a good deal of research, almost hoping that their culpability would be discovered. When it was, it went back two to three generations, to her great, great grandparents at least, whom she had not even known had held slaves. Phoebe actually did spend most of her life working for liberal causes, which was admirable, but she didn’t seem to realize that a lot of the issues she dealt with were a result of many of the liberal policies she supported.
Betty, along with her brother James, bravely integrated a formerly segregated school. I admired Betty’s effort to work for civil rights because her whole life had been directed that way by her own father. He had the courage of his convictions and instilled it into his family. Phoebe and Betty both shared a name and a background. The endeavor to discover their roots and meet on common ground is noteworthy and noble. However, for Phoebe to have to apologize for “the sins of the father” seemed a bit of a stretch to me. However, admitting that, they would say made me a racist. If you question their conclusions, you are automatically judged negatively as someone unable to deal with your own share of responsibility and guilt for the years of slavery, even if you were not even in this country at the time. As a white person, you have a built-in radar which triggers your prejudices, even if you are unaware of it.
I do have many questions, after reading about the program Coming To The Table and their ambitious efforts. Do African Americans, regardless of whether or not they came from Africa, have to also repent for the crimes of the Africans who sold them into slavery, or is it a one-way street with only European Americans responsible for the atrocity of slavery, regardless of whether or not they were even in America at the time. Also, I think the scholarship fund is an admirable idea, but sending unqualified students to college means there may be unqualified graduates setting out to get a job that they cannot perform up to the required standards. Would it not be better to establish a fund to bring the student’s academic achievements up, rather than giving anyone a leg up before they are ready?
Phoebe was brought up in luxury, because her father was a doctor, not a slaveholder. However, her ancestors were slave owners. She had to do much research to discover this fact, so why is she guilt ridden. She believes that her upbringing reflected the prejudices of her family’s evil background, and that it is reflected, unknowingly, in some of her own behavior over the years. She believes that she must atone for their sins, and her own, and that is why the scholarship fund for relatives of certain former slaves was established as a form of reparation/reconciliation.
Betty was brought up as a G-d fearing citizen and is optimistic about the future, although she is traumatized by her family history of slavery which goes back several generations. This made me wonder if I, as a Jew, must be traumatized by the Holocaust and fear all Germans forever, since it must be in the upbringing of Germans to persecute Jews. if the white person cannot escape their prejudice toward people of color, how can the Germans escape their prejudice toward people not considered Aryan enough. I wondered if the reasoning was not somewhat flawed, since it seemed to say that there could never be redemption, only shame and the need for reparations forever. |
Although Phoebe speaks of Palestine, as a Jew that supports Israel, I believe that there is no Palestine yet. The Arabs have not accepted a solution and have only espoused the desire to destroy Israel. So, isn’t the judgment flawed here, since only one side of the argument is allowed to be legitimate in so much of their reasoning? It seems to only forgive one side of the street and to condemn the other, as if there is no other injustice in the world but that which they acknowledge.
One of these women suffers from guilt, whether or not it is deserved, and the other from PTSS, Post Traumatic Slavery Syndrome for a history she did not experience. I am not questioning their feelings or comparing their experiences or suffering to mine, but I, of Jewish heritage, have also experienced rejection, humiliation and abuse at the hands of white and black people. Doors were closed to my ancestors and even more currently, to my children. Am I to hold all black and white people who are not Jewish, responsible, and therefore demand some kind of reconciliation or reparations, as well? Does that question make me a racist or someone asking a legitimate and fair question? Many people suffer, many people make poor choices, is someone else, always to blame?
March 7, 2024
As this was a non-fiction memoir, the characters are (or were) all real people. I found the most inspiration in both Betty Kilby and her father James. Her father was a poor black family man in small town eastern Virginia during the 1950s who was very determined to give his five children the best education possible. He also taught them how to conduct themselves in very trying times. As a result, when Betty was one of the first teens to integrate into the local high school, she routinely turned the other cheek to incidents of bullying and violence, sometimes at her own detriment.
Phoebe, the white cousin, had a less interesting story perhaps because it’s one I know too well. However, I was fascinated with her interest in locating and reaching out to her Black family members, knowing full well that the rejection could be very unpleasant. I also liked how she used her “white privilege” for good – assisting Black family and friends in finding their Black ancestors through her white family’s slave owning past and helping to establish and grow a scholarship for the descendants of slaves.
Favorite quotes:
“Betty, why don’t you hate white people?”
“Hello, cousin!” says Betty
Phoebe, the white cousin, had a less interesting story perhaps because it’s one I know too well. However, I was fascinated with her interest in locating and reaching out to her Black family members, knowing full well that the rejection could be very unpleasant. I also liked how she used her “white privilege” for good – assisting Black family and friends in finding their Black ancestors through her white family’s slave owning past and helping to establish and grow a scholarship for the descendants of slaves.
Favorite quotes:
“Betty, why don’t you hate white people?”
“Hello, cousin!” says Betty
October 14, 2022
Cousins by Betty Kilby Baldwin and Phoebe Kilby. Powerful and emotional, this book by two women, one White and one Black, tells their story of racial reconciliation when they discover they are related through slavery. Betty is descended from slaves who were enslaved by Phoebe’s ancestors. She also was one of the lead plaintiff school children in the desegregation cases under Brown v. Bd. of Education. Betty’s life experience is one of tragedy, terror and racist violence but she shows strength and resilience as she forged a good life despite these many obstacles. Phoebe’s story is one of truth and admission of her family’s role in slavery and racism. She shows startling commitment to addressing her role and working towards reparations and reconciliation. This book is both dramatic and honest as it sheds luminance on the harsh realities of racism while showing a path we can all engage in reconciliation. Highly recommend.
January 23, 2022
Connected through slavery, a Black woman and a White woman discover their past and each other. It suggests a way to forge a healing pathway toward a hopeful future. Their story offers inspiration for others to undertake their own journeys, as well as concrete resources for doing so. Their lives couldn't have been more different, growing up. The legacy of slavery looms large yet once they found each other, they committed to healing. Open to exploring difficult truths and sharing an admiration for Dr. Martin Luther King, they embark on a path toward reconciliation
Together they developed the organization "Coming to the Table" (CTTT) with the vision for the United States for a just and truthful society that acknowledges and seeks to heal from the racial wounds of the past--from slavery and the many forms of racism it spawned.
Together they developed the organization "Coming to the Table" (CTTT) with the vision for the United States for a just and truthful society that acknowledges and seeks to heal from the racial wounds of the past--from slavery and the many forms of racism it spawned.
June 20, 2024
Everyone in Virginia should read this book. Written by two women, one descendant of enslavers, the other a descendant of the enslaved. Betty was the named plaintiff in the lawsuit to desegregate the Warren County schools. Black schooling ended at 7th grade, but whites had high school in Warren. After the successful lawsuit, the Governor of Virginia, Almond ( there better not be any monuments to him) closed the schools in Norfolk, Warren,and Charlottesville. Lawsuits reopened them. The 23 black students suffered harassment, horrible treatment, even rape by the locals. Phoebe Kilby is the white descendant, raised in privilege in Baltimore. She researched the family connection to Betty and the two claim their cousin hood. Both are members of Coming To The Table, aimed at reconciliation.
A moving and thoughtful book.
A moving and thoughtful book.
March 27, 2024
I'd highly recommend this book to anyone who enjoys genealogy and interested in seeing how their families may intersect with American history. God uses the pain of slavery in Betty and Phoebe's history for good today. These brave ladies have gotten involved with organizations working toward grace and healing. They travel to speaking engagements to speak about their histories and the goal of healing and how reconciliation can look. Fantastic story!
November 28, 2022
An informative book about families who were decendants of people who were enslaved and people who were enslavers in America. The two ladies tell their stories, Betty and Phoeby. Betty a black woman and Phoeby a whirt woman who shre the same family name Kilby. The book is filled with facts that was very enlightening.
April 1, 2023
Inspirational read!
Recommend to anyone willing to help build "Beloved Community" by working to address differences, whether racial, political, gender based, or idealogical.
Betty & Phoebe provide the road map and set high bar, but what a world it would be if everyone made efforts such as they have.
Recommend to anyone willing to help build "Beloved Community" by working to address differences, whether racial, political, gender based, or idealogical.
Betty & Phoebe provide the road map and set high bar, but what a world it would be if everyone made efforts such as they have.
July 1, 2023
This is a fascinating story about crossing the racial divide, filled with concrete suggestions for white people about what it means to go beyond the performative and truly be accomplices in the struggle for a just society. The two woman’s stories (Betty’s in particular) are compelling and their connection authentic
August 9, 2021
My Review
This book really goes deep into the relationship between formerly enslaved people and their enslavers in current United States. It cuts right to the core and doesn't avoid hard issues.
This book really goes deep into the relationship between formerly enslaved people and their enslavers in current United States. It cuts right to the core and doesn't avoid hard issues.
December 19, 2023
I throughly enjoy this book. It is based on a true story of two women of different colors finding they are related. It gave me a better understanding of the past history and current day events. I would love to meet both women and hear more of their story.
May 4, 2024
This book had a great premise and I think the women involved are doing good work, but the format and editing (or lack thereof) of this book were completely distracting and honestly made this a miserable one to read. Disappointed.
August 9, 2025
I read this as part of the UWF reading program. The story of two women related through slavery Also story about school desegregation in Virginia. The book talks about actions taken and helpful organizations including Coming to the Table.
October 26, 2021
I highly recommend this excellent story of the journey of two women to reconnect with their shared history.
January 20, 2022
Thank God for people like Betty and Phoebe Kilby. This was a good read and it really makes you think.
February 9, 2022
Tells how these 2 women, one descended from the family that enslaved the other woman's ancestors, come to meet and discover their similarities and work toward unity.
February 23, 2022
Interesting read. Could have used a better editor, but it led to a great discussion for our library book club.
May 15, 2022
This was an inspiring read.
June 21, 2022
This is an important read for anyone striving for racial reconciliation.
March 18, 2023
2023 UWF reading program (social action / green)
April 10, 2023
Another book on the UMW list for social action that I enjoyed learning and reading.
April 23, 2023
These two women tell their stories and explore difficult truths of their connections through slavery. Coming to the Table is a model for how we can all connect and heal on a path to reconciliation.
June 21, 2023
I’d probably only give this book 3.5 stars. It was an interesting storyline but I wasn’t keen on how it was written.
July 29, 2023
Beautiful
These strong women coming together as family with a shared cause is inspiring. We can all learn from them and their grace.
These strong women coming together as family with a shared cause is inspiring. We can all learn from them and their grace.
January 21, 2024
A fascinating story but needed an editor. I wanted to like it but the fact it was so poorly edited was a great distraction. A worthy important story that is lost.
February 16, 2025
The authors of this book are distant cousins, descendants of enslavers and the enslaved. Their journey toward reconciliation is arduous but inspiring.
Want to read
September 14, 2025Recommended by ARC fiction book club member Peggy 06/2025
Read
October 4, 2024Very interesting book about two women - one black and one white - who are descendants of the same slaveowner. The book is about how they discovered each other and in getting to know each other started working on racial healing. I gave it four stars instead of five because there is some extraneous material in the book that sometimes takes away from the theme.
November 18, 2022
Almost gave this book 5 stars, but it didn't quite make it from my view. I believe that I need to read it again to get all the points that the authors wanted to put across, specifically what I can personnally do to make reparations for the past wrong doings. The author's journeys are extremely interesting. I greatly enjoyed reading the book.
I read this book as part of the United Women in Faith reading program.
I read this book as part of the United Women in Faith reading program.
Displaying 1 - 30 of 30 reviews