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Tenderness: A Gay Christian’s Guide to Unlearning Rejection and Experiencing God’s Extravagant Love
Winner of a second-place award in the category gender issues, inclusion in the Church from the Catholic Media Association.
What would happen if gay Christians began to believe the truth about God—that he loves all people unconditionally? In Tenderness, Catholic writer and speaker Eve Tushnet says trusting God’s love would be the beginning of a transformation, not only in the lives of gay Christians but also in the Body of Christ itself. She offers hope and companionship to those who have been deeply hurt by their parishes, a wound that also damaged their relationship with God. Tushnet also offers practical guidance from her own journey as a celibate lesbian. Tenderness explores scripture and history to find role models for gay Christians—including Jesus, King David, Ruth, St. John, Mary, poets, mystics, penitents, leaders, and ordinary gay people who have found unexpected paths of love. The book also offers guidance on living through or recovering from the painful experiences that are all too common in gay Christian life—from familial rejection and weaponized Christianity to ambivalence and doubt. Weaving her own story with resources, prayers, and practical actions that can help gay people trust that God loves them, Tushnet renews our understandings of kinship, friendship, celibacy and unmarried life, ordered love, personal integrity, solidarity with the marginalized, obedience, surrender, sanctification, and hope. This book is primarily for gay Christians, but it also offers a window into their experiences and needs that will make it useful for anyone in pastoral care or who wants to be a better friend to the gay people they know.
What would happen if gay Christians began to believe the truth about God—that he loves all people unconditionally? In Tenderness, Catholic writer and speaker Eve Tushnet says trusting God’s love would be the beginning of a transformation, not only in the lives of gay Christians but also in the Body of Christ itself. She offers hope and companionship to those who have been deeply hurt by their parishes, a wound that also damaged their relationship with God. Tushnet also offers practical guidance from her own journey as a celibate lesbian. Tenderness explores scripture and history to find role models for gay Christians—including Jesus, King David, Ruth, St. John, Mary, poets, mystics, penitents, leaders, and ordinary gay people who have found unexpected paths of love. The book also offers guidance on living through or recovering from the painful experiences that are all too common in gay Christian life—from familial rejection and weaponized Christianity to ambivalence and doubt. Weaving her own story with resources, prayers, and practical actions that can help gay people trust that God loves them, Tushnet renews our understandings of kinship, friendship, celibacy and unmarried life, ordered love, personal integrity, solidarity with the marginalized, obedience, surrender, sanctification, and hope. This book is primarily for gay Christians, but it also offers a window into their experiences and needs that will make it useful for anyone in pastoral care or who wants to be a better friend to the gay people they know.
224 pages, Paperback
Published December 3, 2021
8 people are currently reading
228 people want to read
About the author
Eve Tushnet
10 books66 followersEve Tushnet is a writer in Washington, DC. She has written for publications including the Atlantic, Commonweal, The American Conservative, the New York Post, and the online editions of the New York Times and Washington Post. She mostly covers the arts, from forgotten punk films to the US National Figure Skating Championships. She has published fiction in Dappled Things, Doublethink, and Lady Churchill's Rosebud Wristlet.
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Displaying 1 - 19 of 19 reviews
October 29, 2021
Jesus said it best, in the epigraph to this book (taken from his words to Bl. Angela of Foligno): "I did not love you as a joke."
This book will save lives. I am not exaggerating. Eve's questions are born of hope in its real, genuine, deep sense—not sunny optimism, but confidence in a project worth giving your life to: "What if gay people were *safer* in our churches than in the secular world? What if we could find *more* ways to give and receive love within the Church than we do outside it?" (xv) By starting here, and mixing lectio divina with real talk, practical advice, and lofty dreams along the way, this book manages to reckon with the pastoral crisis we're in while keeping us ever focused on the all-powerful, all-overcoming love of God.
This book is first and foremost for gay Christians looking for community and longing for a whole kaleidoscope of futures, as it should be. But, while I don't wanna make this about ~the straights~, it's also for straight Christians who want to love gay Christians better... and straight Christians who know the secret that many of us see our sexualities as crosses, not gifts from and for God, too. This book will leave you loving the God who made us, and delighted to have gotten to know him better. I can't give a better review than that.
Thank you to NetGalley and Ave Maria Press for a free ARC in exchange for an honest review!
This book will save lives. I am not exaggerating. Eve's questions are born of hope in its real, genuine, deep sense—not sunny optimism, but confidence in a project worth giving your life to: "What if gay people were *safer* in our churches than in the secular world? What if we could find *more* ways to give and receive love within the Church than we do outside it?" (xv) By starting here, and mixing lectio divina with real talk, practical advice, and lofty dreams along the way, this book manages to reckon with the pastoral crisis we're in while keeping us ever focused on the all-powerful, all-overcoming love of God.
This book is first and foremost for gay Christians looking for community and longing for a whole kaleidoscope of futures, as it should be. But, while I don't wanna make this about ~the straights~, it's also for straight Christians who want to love gay Christians better... and straight Christians who know the secret that many of us see our sexualities as crosses, not gifts from and for God, too. This book will leave you loving the God who made us, and delighted to have gotten to know him better. I can't give a better review than that.
Thank you to NetGalley and Ave Maria Press for a free ARC in exchange for an honest review!
January 27, 2023
This book was like a cool drink of water to a weary and sin-ridden soul. It was a great reminder of God's love and tenderness towards his children and to share that love and tenderness with those around us. Eve, as always, relies on Christian history and the long Christian tradition of celibacy as she encourages those of us pursuing celibacy to look to Jesus as our provider, comforter, and friend.
June 16, 2023
This was both moving and hilarious. I laughed several times. I don’t relate to all of it, but this book brings up some important questions, challenges, and new ideas. Short read & worth your time.
Some highlights:
“Christians have assumed that homosexuality becomes ordered when it becomes heterosexuality.”
“As Christians we are not called to be family solely to those who we like and choose. Jesus rejects what we might call an over focus on the family when he asks, who is my mother? Who are my brothers?”
“Why have Christians, since the resurrection of the virgin Jesus, praised celibacy and viewed it as a fruitful form of love?”
“When Christians argue that the only good celibacy is voluntary celibacy rather than mandated celibacy, they gloss over the degree to which all our choices are constrained by the interaction of circumstances and conviction.”
“Our obedient embrace of celibacy can be a way of taking the lowest place, which is always the place closest to Christ.”
“You can shelter yourself in the wounds of Christ without making excuses for the Centurion who pierced him”
“It is one thing to give up sex and very much another to give up love, devotion, commitment, and sharing your life with someone.”
“Hear me, let me speak to you. Hide me, hold me close, protect our intimacy, make a world for us two. Defend me from all who would keep us apart. Let me not be separated from thee: marry me — do more than marry me; married lovers part at death, and for us death is only the entrance into even more complete union. At death bid me come to you, call me and I’ll come and I’ll spend my endless days showering you with every endearment.”
Some highlights:
“Christians have assumed that homosexuality becomes ordered when it becomes heterosexuality.”
“As Christians we are not called to be family solely to those who we like and choose. Jesus rejects what we might call an over focus on the family when he asks, who is my mother? Who are my brothers?”
“Why have Christians, since the resurrection of the virgin Jesus, praised celibacy and viewed it as a fruitful form of love?”
“When Christians argue that the only good celibacy is voluntary celibacy rather than mandated celibacy, they gloss over the degree to which all our choices are constrained by the interaction of circumstances and conviction.”
“Our obedient embrace of celibacy can be a way of taking the lowest place, which is always the place closest to Christ.”
“You can shelter yourself in the wounds of Christ without making excuses for the Centurion who pierced him”
“It is one thing to give up sex and very much another to give up love, devotion, commitment, and sharing your life with someone.”
“Hear me, let me speak to you. Hide me, hold me close, protect our intimacy, make a world for us two. Defend me from all who would keep us apart. Let me not be separated from thee: marry me — do more than marry me; married lovers part at death, and for us death is only the entrance into even more complete union. At death bid me come to you, call me and I’ll come and I’ll spend my endless days showering you with every endearment.”
November 28, 2023
Perhaps the best book on gay Christian experience I have ever read (and I have read a few). This is one of the the very first books I will recommend to anyone--gay or not--who wants to learn more about the intersection of (Catholic, but more generally Christian) faith and (homo)sexuality. Tushnet has this gift for writing in a really engaging and disarming way, which enables her to speak to an audience that spans a wide ideological spectrum. Tolle lege!
March 5, 2022
A beautiful, funny, moving book, and a very important read for all Christians, whatever their sexuality.
February 5, 2022
I really appreciated this book. I think this book can and will help a lot of young believers.
April 2, 2024
what a beautiful new perspective on something that is NEVER talked about in christian circles. Eve is hilarious, wise & an awesome writer. loved it!
February 14, 2022
Simply Excellent. A must read.
“Soul of Christ, sanctify me.
Body of Christ, save me.
Blood of Christ, inebriate me.
Water from the side of Christ, wash me.
Passion of Christ, strengthen me.
Good Jesus, hear me.
In thy wounds, hide me.
Let me not be separated from thee.
From the malicious Enemy defend me.
At the hour of my death call me, and bid me come unto thee, that I may praise thee with thy saints and with thy angels forevermore
…
I love this prayer’s attentiveness to Jesus’ woundedness. He is open to us; he calls us to enter into his body through the sacred wounds. His wounds are open mouths, witnessing to all that his people suffer (including all that we suffer from one another). His wounds are shelters, enclosing us like the velvet curtain of the confessional, making a place where we can be utterly honest with him. His wounds are how we recognize him, like Thomas the apostle. His wounds are to be kissed and to be displayed, not to be healed - which may complicate our own desires for healing, or for change.” (Pg. 171 & 172)
“Soul of Christ, sanctify me.
Body of Christ, save me.
Blood of Christ, inebriate me.
Water from the side of Christ, wash me.
Passion of Christ, strengthen me.
Good Jesus, hear me.
In thy wounds, hide me.
Let me not be separated from thee.
From the malicious Enemy defend me.
At the hour of my death call me, and bid me come unto thee, that I may praise thee with thy saints and with thy angels forevermore
…
I love this prayer’s attentiveness to Jesus’ woundedness. He is open to us; he calls us to enter into his body through the sacred wounds. His wounds are open mouths, witnessing to all that his people suffer (including all that we suffer from one another). His wounds are shelters, enclosing us like the velvet curtain of the confessional, making a place where we can be utterly honest with him. His wounds are how we recognize him, like Thomas the apostle. His wounds are to be kissed and to be displayed, not to be healed - which may complicate our own desires for healing, or for change.” (Pg. 171 & 172)
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April 29, 2022How is this the first time I've read an account of the traditional Christian sexual ethic that holds water when you actually know gay people? Oh, right, because most straight Christians aren't interested in what Christ is asking of them in their own relationships with gay people. I almost forgot.
Page 85: "Here's a rule of thumb: When a truth is spoken only in order to pressure a marginalized group to change, with no change expected of the majority, that truth becomes a falsehood."
If you read nothing else this year, etc.
Page 85: "Here's a rule of thumb: When a truth is spoken only in order to pressure a marginalized group to change, with no change expected of the majority, that truth becomes a falsehood."
If you read nothing else this year, etc.
November 12, 2023
I learned a great deal about the wounds that we straight Christians have created, as well as how to manage some of my different burdens. It's written to LGBTQ people, but as a straight Christian who longs that all should be saved and has been really frustrated at how Christians treat LGTBQ faithful, I am deeply encouraged by this book. Also, her voice is the kind of writing voice I admire. I want to befriend this kind of person.
Highly recommend.
Highly recommend.
February 7, 2023
(This book came to me highly recommended by a Christian friend that experiences same sex attraction.)
This book is targeted at same sex attracted (SSA)/gay people within the church, with special emphasis on those who have been hurt by the church because of their experience yet want to live within the traditional Christian ethic. It's an excellent book for those persons, but I think it's also an excellent read for an entirely different type of person: the straight person that either thinks there's no gay/SSA people at their church or thinks that gay/SSA folks are just a bit extra and are being needlessly dramatic about their experiences in the church. Eve offers actual examples of what people who experience SSA have gone through within the church and it becomes clear why it's so damaging to faith for many of them, as some of things people have gone through are almost unimaginably hurtful or abusive even. She goes on to offers hope by expounding Biblical truth about who God is, and how He wants even those that think they're beyond hope to know that He loves them as a child and wants them to find peace. She also offer much practical advice for those who chose to live celibately (which she—as do I—believes is what Christianity teaches for those who aren't married to an opposite sex partner). I do have some qualms about the idea of celibate partnerships that she applauds as an option for same sex attracted Christians that want relational intimacy and commitment without disobeying the teachings of Christ and His church. However, I try not to be to quick to judge what's best for people I don't know and situations that I don't desire myself. And to be fair, she does not try to recommend that as a cure for all celibate people, and (rightly, in my opinion) calls the church to do better at helping single Christians (gay or straight) find purpose, fellowship and friendship within the Church. While I've had the privilege of being blessed with a fair number of good friends, I'm told the loneliness of many modern Americans (especially men) is reaching epidemic proportions, and I dream of the church being a place where people can be open and honest with their friends, going beyond chit chat about sports and the weather and a bit of Christianese sprinkled in that is often all that men feel permitted to share.
I disagree with her very Catholic view and support of Marian devotion, but since she's unabashedly Catholic, it wasn't that I was surprised by it.
(Side note: I appreciate that Eve has deliberately used both gay and same sex attracted interchangeably to avoid taking sides in that argument about labels and identity. Which no doubt triggers some people on both sides, but I think it's much more important to ask questions and understand what people mean than being judgmental about their varied choices in which words they use to describe themselves.)
This book is targeted at same sex attracted (SSA)/gay people within the church, with special emphasis on those who have been hurt by the church because of their experience yet want to live within the traditional Christian ethic. It's an excellent book for those persons, but I think it's also an excellent read for an entirely different type of person: the straight person that either thinks there's no gay/SSA people at their church or thinks that gay/SSA folks are just a bit extra and are being needlessly dramatic about their experiences in the church. Eve offers actual examples of what people who experience SSA have gone through within the church and it becomes clear why it's so damaging to faith for many of them, as some of things people have gone through are almost unimaginably hurtful or abusive even. She goes on to offers hope by expounding Biblical truth about who God is, and how He wants even those that think they're beyond hope to know that He loves them as a child and wants them to find peace. She also offer much practical advice for those who chose to live celibately (which she—as do I—believes is what Christianity teaches for those who aren't married to an opposite sex partner). I do have some qualms about the idea of celibate partnerships that she applauds as an option for same sex attracted Christians that want relational intimacy and commitment without disobeying the teachings of Christ and His church. However, I try not to be to quick to judge what's best for people I don't know and situations that I don't desire myself. And to be fair, she does not try to recommend that as a cure for all celibate people, and (rightly, in my opinion) calls the church to do better at helping single Christians (gay or straight) find purpose, fellowship and friendship within the Church. While I've had the privilege of being blessed with a fair number of good friends, I'm told the loneliness of many modern Americans (especially men) is reaching epidemic proportions, and I dream of the church being a place where people can be open and honest with their friends, going beyond chit chat about sports and the weather and a bit of Christianese sprinkled in that is often all that men feel permitted to share.
I disagree with her very Catholic view and support of Marian devotion, but since she's unabashedly Catholic, it wasn't that I was surprised by it.
(Side note: I appreciate that Eve has deliberately used both gay and same sex attracted interchangeably to avoid taking sides in that argument about labels and identity. Which no doubt triggers some people on both sides, but I think it's much more important to ask questions and understand what people mean than being judgmental about their varied choices in which words they use to describe themselves.)
May 19, 2023
I read this with a friend and really loved Eve’s insights. I find her story to be so helpful in how she balances faith and sexuality. The Side B world can be tricky to navigate cause people have something to say about every facet of life (inside and outside of the church). I think she does a great job of covering a breadth of topics on church hurt, how to view God, when anxiety or fear of loneliness hits, friendships, how you look at yourself. I really appreciate she presses in on things she knows and can talk about and is short concise on the things that she may not know a lot about or can’t speak to. I would recommend to anyone as a secondary starting point (Bible is first obviously) to navigating faith and sexuality from a side b perspective.
March 27, 2023
I used to think I should keep a copy of _What Is Marriage?_ on the shelf to spark discussions. Now I know that it is far more important to keep this book instead. This is what I need to convict me. This is what my church needs to lead it away from its many current injustices.
Eve Tushnet is a fantastic writer. She's eloquent, compassionate, and has a wonderful dark wit. What comes through most in this book, though, is that she loves God, and she wants to bring other people to his love.
Eve Tushnet is a fantastic writer. She's eloquent, compassionate, and has a wonderful dark wit. What comes through most in this book, though, is that she loves God, and she wants to bring other people to his love.
October 27, 2021
I have mixed feelings about this book.
It's a very hard topic to talk about. But Eve Tushnet did a great job. It bothered me a little a bit her approach, though.
I didn't understand some points of view of the author.
Despite that, it helped me to understand a lot LGBTQIA+ and what same-sex attractions peaople had been through.
I looking forward to reading others Eve Tushnet's books.
Thank you Netgalley and publisher for free ARC in exchange of honest review. All thoughs are my own.
🇧🇷Eu tenho "mixed feelings" sobre esse livro.
É um assunto muito difícil de abordar. Mas Eve Tushnet fez um bom trabalho. No entanto, incomodou-me um pouco a abordagem dela.
Não entendi alguns pontos de vista da autora.
Apesar disso, me ajudou a entender muito os LGBTQIA+ e o que as pessoas que sentem atração pelo mesmo sexo tem passado.
Eu espero ler outro livros da autora.
Obrigada a Netgalley e a editora pela ARC para uma resenha. Todas as opiniões são minhas.
It's a very hard topic to talk about. But Eve Tushnet did a great job. It bothered me a little a bit her approach, though.
I didn't understand some points of view of the author.
Despite that, it helped me to understand a lot LGBTQIA+ and what same-sex attractions peaople had been through.
I looking forward to reading others Eve Tushnet's books.
Thank you Netgalley and publisher for free ARC in exchange of honest review. All thoughs are my own.
🇧🇷Eu tenho "mixed feelings" sobre esse livro.
É um assunto muito difícil de abordar. Mas Eve Tushnet fez um bom trabalho. No entanto, incomodou-me um pouco a abordagem dela.
Não entendi alguns pontos de vista da autora.
Apesar disso, me ajudou a entender muito os LGBTQIA+ e o que as pessoas que sentem atração pelo mesmo sexo tem passado.
Eu espero ler outro livros da autora.
Obrigada a Netgalley e a editora pela ARC para uma resenha. Todas as opiniões são minhas.
March 14, 2024
I'm re-reading this already, because it's such an accessible, down-to-earth wrestling with the intersection of faith and queer experience for faithful Catholics and Christians in our American culture. It really has helped me to "taste and see" the goodness, gentleness, kindness, and tenderness of God. Share this with everyone you know, it's that good.
May 5, 2022
A work of empathy, vulnerability, and good humor; in other words, a truly human book. I highly recommend it.
August 27, 2022
A great book. It helped in my path to reconcilie Gods Love and Homosexuality. 🥹🥹
October 28, 2023
I sincerely believe this is one the most important, desperately needed books to come out of Catholic publishing. Thank you, Eve and Ave Maria Press.
August 28, 2024
Very sweet and well written. Though I was a little confused on what Exactly she believes in some areas.
Displaying 1 - 19 of 19 reviews