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How to Break Up with Your Friends: Finding Meaning, Connection, and Boundaries in Modern Friendships
Create space for meaningful connections and set healthy boundaries with this much-needed guide to modern-day friendship.
Friends hold an especially valuable role for women―few relationships have such power to fuel us and inspire our joy. Yet even though we pride ourselves on our large networks, we tend to be afraid of rocking the boat and asking for what we really need. As a result, we end up accepting mediocrity in ourselves and our friendships far too often.
But does it really have to be this way?
In How to Break Up with Your Friends , celebrated life mentor Erin Falconer provides a refreshing guide to modern-day friendships―along with deeper principles, assessments, and practices for nurturing them.
“This book is about so much more than going through your contact list with a machete,” writes Erin. “Yes, you’ll learn how to detox yourself from friendships that no longer nourish you, but you’ll also explore the astounding importance of modern friendships and how to be a truly great friend yourself.”
With clear-eyed guidance and a good dose of humor, Erin will help
• Take stock of those currently in your life so you can see exactly how you and your friends are serving each other
• Understand how your earliest friendships impact your current relationships
• Explore the importance of having healthy friendships―including the many ways we’re influenced by our friend groups
• Know the main types of friendships we form, the roles they play in our lives, and how to deepen the most essential ones
• Recognize the signs you’re in a toxic friendship and stop fearing constructive confrontation
• Rupture and repair―be ready when a valuable friendship hits the rocks
• Learn how to make new friends as an adult
• Have the courageous conversations needed when it’s time to “break up” with others
With a wealth of revelations and tools―including the Six Pillars of Friendship, the Friendship Diagnosis, and sample scripts to help facilitate the hard conversations― How to Break Up with Your Friends is the relationship book you didn’t know you needed.
Friends hold an especially valuable role for women―few relationships have such power to fuel us and inspire our joy. Yet even though we pride ourselves on our large networks, we tend to be afraid of rocking the boat and asking for what we really need. As a result, we end up accepting mediocrity in ourselves and our friendships far too often.
But does it really have to be this way?
In How to Break Up with Your Friends , celebrated life mentor Erin Falconer provides a refreshing guide to modern-day friendships―along with deeper principles, assessments, and practices for nurturing them.
“This book is about so much more than going through your contact list with a machete,” writes Erin. “Yes, you’ll learn how to detox yourself from friendships that no longer nourish you, but you’ll also explore the astounding importance of modern friendships and how to be a truly great friend yourself.”
With clear-eyed guidance and a good dose of humor, Erin will help
• Take stock of those currently in your life so you can see exactly how you and your friends are serving each other
• Understand how your earliest friendships impact your current relationships
• Explore the importance of having healthy friendships―including the many ways we’re influenced by our friend groups
• Know the main types of friendships we form, the roles they play in our lives, and how to deepen the most essential ones
• Recognize the signs you’re in a toxic friendship and stop fearing constructive confrontation
• Rupture and repair―be ready when a valuable friendship hits the rocks
• Learn how to make new friends as an adult
• Have the courageous conversations needed when it’s time to “break up” with others
With a wealth of revelations and tools―including the Six Pillars of Friendship, the Friendship Diagnosis, and sample scripts to help facilitate the hard conversations― How to Break Up with Your Friends is the relationship book you didn’t know you needed.
240 pages, Hardcover
Published January 18, 2022
62 people are currently reading
1080 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 97 reviews
March 13, 2022
2.5 stars. Enticing concept for a book. Can’t say that I’ve ever come across a book on the subject of friend weeding before. I heartily agree that throughout a lifetime, you can have lots of friend-pockets of varying love, engagement, and duration.
So, yep, thinking about that was interesting, and I totally think that Erin’s heart is in the right place. But boy, there’re lots of rules to follow here..! I’m not sure I agree that it all has to be this complicated. Maybe there’s too much co-dependency involved if it takes reading a book first to ‘break up’ with people you don’t necessarily have anything in common with anymore…or maybe I’ve just been around the Sun too many times. 🤷♂️
So, yep, thinking about that was interesting, and I totally think that Erin’s heart is in the right place. But boy, there’re lots of rules to follow here..! I’m not sure I agree that it all has to be this complicated. Maybe there’s too much co-dependency involved if it takes reading a book first to ‘break up’ with people you don’t necessarily have anything in common with anymore…or maybe I’ve just been around the Sun too many times. 🤷♂️
July 12, 2023
first off, i’m sure that this book is helpful in redefining friendships and etc. I even gained something from it about recognizing how important friendships are. HOWEVER a new pet peeve of mine is the trend of authors bringing up covid and especially the murder of George Floyd when it has NOTHING to do with what they are talking about it. I continued reading and so you can imagine the absolute whiplash I got when, after all that performative bullshit, this author quotes FAMED ANTISEMITIST Henry Ford in a book about FRIENDSHIP. 1 star for this author not having her shit together.
September 6, 2022
i read this so i can post on my socials that i read THIS BOOK ABOUT BREAKING UP WITH FRIENDS and tag all my ex friends
book is ok
book is ok
January 18, 2022
Happy publication day!
Ten short and precise chapters dealing with what friendship means and what can be the best form of friendship for yourself.
This is a practical guidebook which gives you a realistic picture about friendships and the various forms of it which affect your life.
You will come to know what genuine frendships mean and which friendships are basically a negative influence on you.
This book gives a wholesome guidance on how to let go of relationships which cause you harm or do you no good and which ones to rely on.
A fun yet practical and realistic guide, I would recommend this book.
Thank you, Sounds True, for the advance reading copy.
Ten short and precise chapters dealing with what friendship means and what can be the best form of friendship for yourself.
This is a practical guidebook which gives you a realistic picture about friendships and the various forms of it which affect your life.
You will come to know what genuine frendships mean and which friendships are basically a negative influence on you.
This book gives a wholesome guidance on how to let go of relationships which cause you harm or do you no good and which ones to rely on.
A fun yet practical and realistic guide, I would recommend this book.
Thank you, Sounds True, for the advance reading copy.
January 12, 2023
The title is just a hook! I’ve been thinking a lot about maintaining long distance friendships, forming meaningful connections in a new city, and identifying individuals’ strengths that empower these relationships. I recommend this highly :)
February 17, 2022
I have no idea how anybody can have that much time to make as many friends as this author seems to have (even though she backtracks constantly claiming to be an antisocial hermit introvert).
The chapter pushing the necessity to have like 5 specific types of girlfriends also ends up making me feel lacking, as if in order to be considered socially healthy, one should be surrounded by a sitcom-variety friendgroup.
But I did appreciate the sentiments about how to nurture existing friendships; and getting an insight into how a person with Hollywood connections makes (or loses) friends is fascinating. I listened to this book on audiobook and it was a quick and interesting listen.
May 2, 2022
There are some useful ideas in here, though I found the limited research cited in support of the ideas not super compelling. Also struggling with the publisher being “Sounds True” which seems like the perfect company to publish pop books without much research backing, relying mostly on anecdotes.
Nonetheless, I’d recommend reading anyway because the book did make me turn a critical eye toward the quality of my relationships. Note however this book is clearly written for women who appear to have only female friends. I found the latter element strange, and unexplained. I’d love to know why the author chose to focus narrowly.
Nonetheless, I’d recommend reading anyway because the book did make me turn a critical eye toward the quality of my relationships. Note however this book is clearly written for women who appear to have only female friends. I found the latter element strange, and unexplained. I’d love to know why the author chose to focus narrowly.
May 23, 2025
How to Break Up with Your Friends is a perfectly good book on the modern state of friendship in a decidedly US context. But the title is a bit click-baity, isn't it? Still, if you want to learn about "finding meaning, connection, and boundaries in modern friendships" this is the book you are looking for. I didn't find it particularly revelatory but also, it was good. It is an easy read and hits all the usual beats. If you are having problems coming up with scripts to use in relationships, you might find this particularly useful.
February 22, 2022
All about how to be a friend, how to have friends, and when to let them go. Loved this one.
January 11, 2025
i haven’t read any nonfiction book in a bit but i actually really liked this book! some great quotes and tips about female friendships and it was a quick read!
March 31, 2022
4.5 ⭐️
The title is misleading, as “How to Break Up with Your Friends” is only one chapter out of this book. This book really causes you to self-reflect, and think about whether or not you’re even a good friend to those you love. I also began to reevaluate what my definition of a good friend really is.
I learned a lot about myself - both how to draw boundaries in my friendships, as well as how to be a better friend.
The title is misleading, as “How to Break Up with Your Friends” is only one chapter out of this book. This book really causes you to self-reflect, and think about whether or not you’re even a good friend to those you love. I also began to reevaluate what my definition of a good friend really is.
I learned a lot about myself - both how to draw boundaries in my friendships, as well as how to be a better friend.
May 31, 2022
3.5/5 — Had I not heard the author on a podcast, I would’ve never read (rather, listened) to this book because the title is very misleading. That said, I really liked the premise of thinking about the role that friendships play in our lives. I liked hearing some of the stories and research on friendship. That said, I had trouble with some of the actionable advice because I found it often focused on putting every friendship into neat categories or roles. Overall I think that friendships are undervalued in our society so I appreciated the topic!
January 3, 2022
I highlighted FULL paragraphs in this book so that I can come back to it and reread them over and over. This book opened my eyes to so many things. It changed my way of thinking and I recommend it to anyone and everyone. This isn't just how to break up with the friends and relationships that are no longer serving you, but to make the good ones even stronger by being a better friend.
September 24, 2024
This book contains a lot of necessary truths I needed to read and digest as I’m in my late 20’s and friendships have shifted. There were some profound moments but more so this book read like a wise friend giving advice and gently nudging you to re-evaluate those you consider most close.
May 7, 2023
Great concept for a book, I personally picked it up because I happen to have been going through a friendship break and the title clearly seemed relevant to what I’m going through. Onto the go book itself, I really enjoyed the concepts talked about throughout the book and the homework section at the end of the chapters. The book really made me reflect and examine how I approach my friendships, how I show up as a friend, and how my friends show up for me.
With that said there are reasons why I give it 3 stars and not 5 stars. One, the writing style is very much like the author is talking to you, more conversation and not really academic. Which makes sense as to why this book may come across better as an audio book rather than printed. Two, I found that the author really only wrote this for women with only female friendships which I find limiting in a few ways. There are men who need to examine their friendships and could gain insights from the concepts talked about here but because this book was written with such a focus on female friendships it closes off that entire group of people from being able to relate. I personally would have loved to recommend this book to male friends, but I can’t do so without giving the disclaimer that it’s written for women. Also, women, like myself, have friendships with not only other women but also men and non-binary people so I found the continuous reference to only female friends narrow when the concepts mentioned could have easily been written to include all types of friendship regardless of gender. Three, there were some points where the author tried to connect friendship with social justices issues like micro-aggressions that really didn’t come across well and felt minimizing to those deep rooted societal issues.
Overall, I did gain a better understanding of friendship and how to become more connected with the friends in my life. I would recommend it to friends only for the aspect of self-reflection that the book guides you through.
With that said there are reasons why I give it 3 stars and not 5 stars. One, the writing style is very much like the author is talking to you, more conversation and not really academic. Which makes sense as to why this book may come across better as an audio book rather than printed. Two, I found that the author really only wrote this for women with only female friendships which I find limiting in a few ways. There are men who need to examine their friendships and could gain insights from the concepts talked about here but because this book was written with such a focus on female friendships it closes off that entire group of people from being able to relate. I personally would have loved to recommend this book to male friends, but I can’t do so without giving the disclaimer that it’s written for women. Also, women, like myself, have friendships with not only other women but also men and non-binary people so I found the continuous reference to only female friends narrow when the concepts mentioned could have easily been written to include all types of friendship regardless of gender. Three, there were some points where the author tried to connect friendship with social justices issues like micro-aggressions that really didn’t come across well and felt minimizing to those deep rooted societal issues.
Overall, I did gain a better understanding of friendship and how to become more connected with the friends in my life. I would recommend it to friends only for the aspect of self-reflection that the book guides you through.
February 3, 2023
Already starting the self help book kick in 2023. 😂🤷🏻♀️ Found this book at the library on a display and, yes, was drawn to it. Those who know me well, aren’t surprised at all.
This book is largely not about breaking up with your friends (that’s just the attention grabber) but rather the second part of the title about finding meaning, connection, and boundaries in modern friendships.
I enjoyed the relevant, timely, and youthful (yet mature) perspective the authors shares in this book. At the end of each chapter there is homework with questions and actions to turn the narrative into action/reflection. I could see myself revisiting this book as there are pivots in my life, or just needing a refresher. Above all the reminder is that it takes work to make and sustain friendships, who would’ve thought. 😅
This book is largely not about breaking up with your friends (that’s just the attention grabber) but rather the second part of the title about finding meaning, connection, and boundaries in modern friendships.
I enjoyed the relevant, timely, and youthful (yet mature) perspective the authors shares in this book. At the end of each chapter there is homework with questions and actions to turn the narrative into action/reflection. I could see myself revisiting this book as there are pivots in my life, or just needing a refresher. Above all the reminder is that it takes work to make and sustain friendships, who would’ve thought. 😅
January 31, 2022
The title is misleading. This book is not about breaking up with your friends, but what it narrows in on, most profoundly— is what you look for in a friend and then challenges you to assess if the array of people in your circle, contribute to this or— don’t. Then,the author asks you to assess your own role in these relationships and, asks—- what is happening? As in why are you friends, pointing out how relationships can run their course OR be situational as in school friends or Mom friends.
This book is provocative, honest, couched in research, and reassuring with the key being the need to know and fully understand your own needs (Bowlby and attachment even gets a mention) in order to generate quality time shared with others.
And no. Facebook friends are not friends. Most acquaintances aren’t either. But the ones you can call on at 3 am FOR WHATEVER REASON, those are your friends. Others are friendly, kind, and can be a lot of fun, but this book discerns the difference. And helps you depart with those who are none of the above.
This book is provocative, honest, couched in research, and reassuring with the key being the need to know and fully understand your own needs (Bowlby and attachment even gets a mention) in order to generate quality time shared with others.
And no. Facebook friends are not friends. Most acquaintances aren’t either. But the ones you can call on at 3 am FOR WHATEVER REASON, those are your friends. Others are friendly, kind, and can be a lot of fun, but this book discerns the difference. And helps you depart with those who are none of the above.
March 26, 2023
They did a good job catching my eye with the bright colours on the cover and with the title as well. I honestly did not expect too much from the book at first but it made me spend more time evaluating my friendships and also made me think about how to be more intentional with them. Falconer makes a good point about a lot of us (myself included) just seeing friendships as things that happen naturally without us putting much effort and time and dedication into them, when in reality we need to nurture them just like any other type of relationship we have in our lives. I enjoyed the anecdotes and stories from the author and other people, as it made the book feel more intimate and less theoretical.
January 17, 2025
3 ⭐️
I liked how this book really is the opposite of the title. You obviously pick up this book feeling some type of way, but instead you’re faced with having to admit you’re more of a problem than you’d want to admit.
I liked how this book really is the opposite of the title. You obviously pick up this book feeling some type of way, but instead you’re faced with having to admit you’re more of a problem than you’d want to admit.
March 23, 2022
Though dense this is a great read that takes a good look at friendships and why they become causalities in the world of online phone centric “friends”. Maybe I’m just on a sojourn but I think focus on spending meaningful time together is exactly what I needed to read about.
June 8, 2022
Pretty cover has mislead me to believe the inside would be just as thoughtful 😔
October 11, 2023
I promise I’m not breaking up with any of my friends! <3 good to reflect on friendships past, present, and future in a huge transitional phase of life
November 6, 2023
this was wildly mid but i liked the homework segments
Also the actual chapter about breaking up with your friends is like the second to last one. So that was definitely a choice
Also the actual chapter about breaking up with your friends is like the second to last one. So that was definitely a choice
October 2, 2024
Overall, there was a lot that I gained from this book in terms of self-reflection and pausing to take inventory of friendship quality/quantity in my life. This would be a really good tool for anyone looking to build meaningful friendships. Personally, it gave me great gratitude for the people I have in my life + the effort I put in to maintain strong relationships. So it will give you tools for the future while also affirming the relationships and patterns you currently have that you want to keep in place.
The reason for ⭐⭐⭐is because the author's references were a bit too lax/playful for my taste. I think she did several interview-type conversations in preparation of this book, but the way each person was referenced was kind of odd (I'm not used to someone referencing a talk show host then a general surgeon in a book). I think a lot of thought went into the homework sections and readers would be doing themselves a disservice if they skipped those pieces. Highly recommend grabbing a journal and thinking through those questions at the end of most chapters.
The reason for ⭐⭐⭐is because the author's references were a bit too lax/playful for my taste. I think she did several interview-type conversations in preparation of this book, but the way each person was referenced was kind of odd (I'm not used to someone referencing a talk show host then a general surgeon in a book). I think a lot of thought went into the homework sections and readers would be doing themselves a disservice if they skipped those pieces. Highly recommend grabbing a journal and thinking through those questions at the end of most chapters.
November 25, 2024
4.5
I took my time throught this book, I really did.
I liked how Erin divided the chapters, I liked the sequential manner where she starts from shallow front and dig deeper, of course I disagree with some of her opinions but I enjoyed the book overall.
I thought the book had too much personal examples / her friends' too, you might wanna skip some.
The writer's main idea is to help you reflect yourself and your needs to be a better friend and to have better friends.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
self-mirroring
At the very beginning she dedicated the book saying "to all the girls I've loved before". I really liked it.
Chapter 2 was about being your own bestfriend which is hard enough, I found mysel a quite shitty friend to myself. I also liked the homework section at the end of each chapter, it helped organize my thoughts.
I think that this book helped me get over the dramas of friendship and relationships in a feminine socitey. I had some issues regarding a friend / or more, throughout reading the book I have thought of her, thinking about how it'd help me to break up with her, I have been fighting this discomfort for a while, and I find a relief in knowing that confrontation is good, and if that friend won't accept honesty it's their problem.
I appreciate the writer's constant reminder of how hurtful it is to break up with some one, to be ghosted, or to grow apart from a dear person.
I took my time throught this book, I really did.
I liked how Erin divided the chapters, I liked the sequential manner where she starts from shallow front and dig deeper, of course I disagree with some of her opinions but I enjoyed the book overall.
I thought the book had too much personal examples / her friends' too, you might wanna skip some.
The writer's main idea is to help you reflect yourself and your needs to be a better friend and to have better friends.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
self-mirroring
At the very beginning she dedicated the book saying "to all the girls I've loved before". I really liked it.
Chapter 2 was about being your own bestfriend which is hard enough, I found mysel a quite shitty friend to myself. I also liked the homework section at the end of each chapter, it helped organize my thoughts.
I think that this book helped me get over the dramas of friendship and relationships in a feminine socitey. I had some issues regarding a friend / or more, throughout reading the book I have thought of her, thinking about how it'd help me to break up with her, I have been fighting this discomfort for a while, and I find a relief in knowing that confrontation is good, and if that friend won't accept honesty it's their problem.
I appreciate the writer's constant reminder of how hurtful it is to break up with some one, to be ghosted, or to grow apart from a dear person.
November 29, 2024
A must read for every single female who’s ever wanted to be a better friend and build stronger friendships or learn to set boundaries and stick with them! I annotated the crap out of this book and it will be kept nearby for easy reference at all time 🤗
August 10, 2021
3.5 stars. This was a really interesting book, in the vein of BIG FRIENDSHIP by Ann Friedman and Aminatou Sow, and THE ART OF SHOWING UP by Rachel Wilkinson. Part of me felt that the title, HOW TO BREAK UP WITH YOUR FRIENDS, was a little misleading, because really, friend break ups aren’t covered until 80% of the way through the book. I do really like the title though, and I think it’s definitely attention-grabbing and “of the moment.” Especially during COVID lockdowns of the last year and a half, we’re all re-evaluating relationships in our lives. It does make me mad that there’s such an emphasis on romantic love, when really, I have never had the depth in a romantic relationship as I have in many of my friendships, if that makes sense. I feel able to let beloved friends in on the deepest parts of myself, and that’s not something I can necessarily say about past romantic relationships.
This book definitely caused me to reflect on my own friendships and how I can do better, if I need to cut the cord, how I can nurture and strengthen my relationships etc. The science behind the friendship research and attachment theory was fascinating.
This book definitely caused me to reflect on my own friendships and how I can do better, if I need to cut the cord, how I can nurture and strengthen my relationships etc. The science behind the friendship research and attachment theory was fascinating.
December 19, 2025
“Nearly half of Americans feel alone. And 2/5 feel like their relationships are not meaningful." The author dives into how, as we get older, we’re quick to ditch plans with friends. Especially when life gets busy with work deadlines, family obligations, and general stress. When something has to give, it’s usually brunch with a friend. Falconer emphasizes how important it is to intentionally make time for your friendships. As we grow older, we have to be more mindful of where our energy goes. Setting boundaries is key. You're not doing yourself or your friends any favors by pretending everything is okay when it's not. The ones who respect your boundaries will stick around, and they’ll get the best of you. Ultimately, it’s the quality of your friendships that determines the quality of your life. The author also includes reflection questions at the end of each chapter. Only critique was that the author kept assuming the reader was a woman, but nowhere was it stated this was specifically for female friendships loool.
Favorite quote:
Friendship is with people who are not afraid of your darkness, and vice versa. Whatever is going on is never bigger than your bond.
Favorite quote:
Friendship is with people who are not afraid of your darkness, and vice versa. Whatever is going on is never bigger than your bond.
July 5, 2022
*3.5 I got recommended this book by the QUEEN who delivers mail to my office because we were talking about friendships and personal growth one morning. I was a bit turned off by the title because I was looking to enhance my friendships not end them, but she told me that was only 1 piece of the pie - and she was right. I listened casually, but I think I would have gotten more from it if I had sat down and done the homework for each chapter. I might end up re-reading and doing the suggested activities so I can fully inspect my own friendships. I did enjoy how a lot of the advice given was based on ourselves and how we can be a better friend and a better person. We put a lot of focus on "working on relationships" but friendships are seen as "easy" or "effortless" which is far from the truth. I have a lot to continue working on personally and this is a great place to start for anyone.
August 11, 2022
It's really great for those who are struggling with relationships and are looking for solutions and validating there currect situations, depending on where you are at in the evolution process. I think it just depends where your energy is at. I found it helpful to look at yourself first and then to look for other avenues in friendships. This information would have been helpful Twenty years ago.
Displaying 1 - 30 of 97 reviews