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Out of Touch: How to Survive an Intimacy Famine
A behavioral scientist explores love, belongingness, and fulfillment, focusing on how modern technology can both help and hinder our need to connect.
Millions of people around the world are not getting the physical, emotional, and intellectual intimacy they crave. Through the wonders of modern technology, we are connecting with more people more often than ever before, but are these connections what we long for? Pandemic isolation has made us even more alone. In Out of Touch , professor of psychology Michelle Drouin investigates what she calls our intimacy famine, exploring love, belongingness, and fulfillment and considering why relationships carried out on technological platforms may leave us starving for physical connection. Drouin puts it this when most of our interactions are through social media, we are taking tiny hits of dopamine rather than the huge shots of oxytocin that an intimate in-person relationship would provide.
Drouin explains that intimacy is not just sex—although of course sex is an important part of intimacy. But how important? Drouin reports on surveys that millennials (perhaps distracted by constant Tinder-swiping) have less sex than previous generations. She discusses pandemic puppies, professional cuddlers, the importance of touch, "desire discrepancy" in marriage, and the value of friendships. Online dating, she suggests, might give users too many options; and the internet facilitates "infidelity-related behaviors." Some technological developments will help us develop and maintain intimate relationships—our phones, for example, can be bridges to emotional support. Some, on the other hand, might leave us out of touch. Drouin explores both of these possibilities.
Millions of people around the world are not getting the physical, emotional, and intellectual intimacy they crave. Through the wonders of modern technology, we are connecting with more people more often than ever before, but are these connections what we long for? Pandemic isolation has made us even more alone. In Out of Touch , professor of psychology Michelle Drouin investigates what she calls our intimacy famine, exploring love, belongingness, and fulfillment and considering why relationships carried out on technological platforms may leave us starving for physical connection. Drouin puts it this when most of our interactions are through social media, we are taking tiny hits of dopamine rather than the huge shots of oxytocin that an intimate in-person relationship would provide.
Drouin explains that intimacy is not just sex—although of course sex is an important part of intimacy. But how important? Drouin reports on surveys that millennials (perhaps distracted by constant Tinder-swiping) have less sex than previous generations. She discusses pandemic puppies, professional cuddlers, the importance of touch, "desire discrepancy" in marriage, and the value of friendships. Online dating, she suggests, might give users too many options; and the internet facilitates "infidelity-related behaviors." Some technological developments will help us develop and maintain intimate relationships—our phones, for example, can be bridges to emotional support. Some, on the other hand, might leave us out of touch. Drouin explores both of these possibilities.
288 pages, Hardcover
Published February 1, 2022
23 people are currently reading
307 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 15 of 15 reviews
February 15, 2022
This book summarizes modern intimacy-related research, centered on technology. Its release is timely with recent experiences of "intimacy famine," but don't expect creative solutions to lockdown loneliness—the framing is "post-COVID." While tips are offered at the end of each chapter, there's nothing revolutionary.
If you're interested in the research, you’ll find the book well-written and learn about studies on relationship and technology topics through key life stages like media use and children's attachment, friendship under constant phone use, online dating, marital sexual satisfaction, and aging lonely. Drouin presents tech as more solution than problem, while offering tips for healthy use.
I was hoping for more on revamping intimacy beyond research on traditional family models. Straight, monogamous people are centered with nothing on chosen family, intentional communities, or identity-based networks. Several studies might suggest alternate interpretations that I pulled from my experience as queer, polyamorous, and on the asexual spectrum. It’s always important to consider how an author's culture and experiences inform conclusions. I would place more blame on tech companies and more emphasis on systemic factors. While Drouin’s conclusions are reasonable from one angle, social context matters. CEOs limiting their kids' screen time, for example, doesn't erase their blame in pursuing profit over human welfare.
I did learn interesting social theories. For example, social approval as a protection against loss of close family (a common queer experience!) seems misapplied to strangers online. Though I wanted deeper theories on intimacy and attraction, self-perception theory (it's hard to actually evaluate how we feel about someone) is relatable and relevant to defining "romantic attraction." How our needs for love and belonging "expand to fill" our social spaces seems very relevant to social media. I also appreciated the connection between diverse meaningful social connections, mental health, and aging.
(ARC provided by NetGalley.)
If you're interested in the research, you’ll find the book well-written and learn about studies on relationship and technology topics through key life stages like media use and children's attachment, friendship under constant phone use, online dating, marital sexual satisfaction, and aging lonely. Drouin presents tech as more solution than problem, while offering tips for healthy use.
I was hoping for more on revamping intimacy beyond research on traditional family models. Straight, monogamous people are centered with nothing on chosen family, intentional communities, or identity-based networks. Several studies might suggest alternate interpretations that I pulled from my experience as queer, polyamorous, and on the asexual spectrum. It’s always important to consider how an author's culture and experiences inform conclusions. I would place more blame on tech companies and more emphasis on systemic factors. While Drouin’s conclusions are reasonable from one angle, social context matters. CEOs limiting their kids' screen time, for example, doesn't erase their blame in pursuing profit over human welfare.
I did learn interesting social theories. For example, social approval as a protection against loss of close family (a common queer experience!) seems misapplied to strangers online. Though I wanted deeper theories on intimacy and attraction, self-perception theory (it's hard to actually evaluate how we feel about someone) is relatable and relevant to defining "romantic attraction." How our needs for love and belonging "expand to fill" our social spaces seems very relevant to social media. I also appreciated the connection between diverse meaningful social connections, mental health, and aging.
(ARC provided by NetGalley.)
June 27, 2025
0.5 ⭐️ I NEVER - I mean NEVER had to DNF a book. But the title and the content of the book don’t match. I wanted to read it to know more about how to feel connected to my partner and friends/family, but it was just statistics that aren’t related to the topic AT ALL, and stories from her past that she wanted to connect to the subject. The only thing that I enjoyed reading was the first chapter because it talked about connection in the sexual aspect of life, which is important.
I didn’t want to finish it when I could read something that I would enjoy more rather than forcing myself. :/
I didn’t want to finish it when I could read something that I would enjoy more rather than forcing myself. :/
June 13, 2022
A sorely disappointing book.
I picked this up honestly expecting to have a researchers keen-eye for problem solving offer some real practical solutions to the loneliness epidemic.
But no, just things that make her sound like a Boomer being grumpy at clouds for disbelieving that kids need encouragement to go outside now.
The pages are almost skim readable, with very few take aways from any of them. Stories interwoven to pad out the pages of what feels like very well worn ground.
If you need to read this, get a digital version and read the ends of the chapters. I got to page 80, speedran those end points and feel better off due to it.
This is a Buzz feed article made into a book.
I picked this up honestly expecting to have a researchers keen-eye for problem solving offer some real practical solutions to the loneliness epidemic.
But no, just things that make her sound like a Boomer being grumpy at clouds for disbelieving that kids need encouragement to go outside now.
The pages are almost skim readable, with very few take aways from any of them. Stories interwoven to pad out the pages of what feels like very well worn ground.
If you need to read this, get a digital version and read the ends of the chapters. I got to page 80, speedran those end points and feel better off due to it.
This is a Buzz feed article made into a book.
December 1, 2023
2.5
The topic of this book is a big one- and one that sorely needs addressing. However, I felt like the author didn’t really address the issue. Many times it felt like a tangent on another unrelated topic, as well as woes about technology because “back in my day”. The tips were mostly common sense and while I certainly learned some facts about marriage and life expectancy, I didn't learn very much about what I came to learn. Chapters 2 & 3 were the most insightful on the topic, as well as the summary tips at the end of each chapter. I'd recommend reading that, but not the whole book.
The topic of this book is a big one- and one that sorely needs addressing. However, I felt like the author didn’t really address the issue. Many times it felt like a tangent on another unrelated topic, as well as woes about technology because “back in my day”. The tips were mostly common sense and while I certainly learned some facts about marriage and life expectancy, I didn't learn very much about what I came to learn. Chapters 2 & 3 were the most insightful on the topic, as well as the summary tips at the end of each chapter. I'd recommend reading that, but not the whole book.
October 16, 2023
I thought this book was a compelling exploration of the impact of modern technology on our capacity for love, belonging, and fulfillment. With expertise in behavioral science, Drouin scrutinizes the paradox of our hyper-connected yet often disconnected world.
In my opinion, "Out of Touch" is a fantastic book that skillfully translates the latest research and scientific findings into accessible, relatable insights. Dr. Drouin offers practical advice on navigating the challenges of finding and maintaining love in our technology-driven world. Her book is an indispensable guide for anyone seeking to better understand the complexities of modern relationships and intimacy. It not only sheds light on the problems but also provides solutions and a path to more fulfilling connections in an increasingly digital age.
In my opinion, "Out of Touch" is a fantastic book that skillfully translates the latest research and scientific findings into accessible, relatable insights. Dr. Drouin offers practical advice on navigating the challenges of finding and maintaining love in our technology-driven world. Her book is an indispensable guide for anyone seeking to better understand the complexities of modern relationships and intimacy. It not only sheds light on the problems but also provides solutions and a path to more fulfilling connections in an increasingly digital age.
October 13, 2023
“Ghosting hits humans at one of our most vulnerable weak spots: Our desire to know. We have a need for closure. We want to know how things end. We want to understand how the world is working around us.
When someone ignores us, it leaves us wondering — and wondering can be maddening.
If someone ghosts you, they are either playing a game or they don’t care about you. Sure, it’s possible they might have lost their phone or they may be super busy.
But if someone really wants to talk to you, they will find a way. If they don’t, move on. Immediately.
Don’t stalk them. Don’t obsess. Don’t waste a single moment scanning the internet searching for answers about whether or not they really care.
Life is short, and time is precious.”
When someone ignores us, it leaves us wondering — and wondering can be maddening.
If someone ghosts you, they are either playing a game or they don’t care about you. Sure, it’s possible they might have lost their phone or they may be super busy.
But if someone really wants to talk to you, they will find a way. If they don’t, move on. Immediately.
Don’t stalk them. Don’t obsess. Don’t waste a single moment scanning the internet searching for answers about whether or not they really care.
Life is short, and time is precious.”
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
January 10, 2024
Some points that have worked for me:
1. We like our habits, but if they become mandatory, we realize we prefer freedom.
2. if we fail to invest time in those closest to us, we fall into the hollowing out of social relationships.
3. Pursue a relationship that is mutually rewarding, not one that is unresponsive, and don't be afraid to be temporarily alone. 4. disabling your cell phone completely is extreme, but at least put it down and focus on communication in the presence of important scenes and people.
1. We like our habits, but if they become mandatory, we realize we prefer freedom.
2. if we fail to invest time in those closest to us, we fall into the hollowing out of social relationships.
3. Pursue a relationship that is mutually rewarding, not one that is unresponsive, and don't be afraid to be temporarily alone. 4. disabling your cell phone completely is extreme, but at least put it down and focus on communication in the presence of important scenes and people.
November 6, 2022
I might even give this book a 5 stars, but reading for uni could be tiring. That's why it's a 4. Maybe ill come back and read this again in a later part of my life. Btw, this book deserves more hype!! It's one of the most useful books ive ever read, since it focuses a lot on how technology is a huge impact of our lives and how it is affecting the intimacy between relationships. So many truths are spoken in this book too.
April 10, 2022
This was an interesting read with an interesting concept. The form of the book I was reading made it a bit difficult to follow some of the data was presented, but it was an enlightening read. I do wish that there had been more examples of how this played out in real life rather than just notes from studies.
May 7, 2022
I recently read this book then went back and listened to the audio. I went through stages where I was like- every parent needs to read this, then- everyone who is dating or married and even- everyone who is dealing with aging parents. The truth is this book is relatable to everyone in different phases of life and offers valuable insights on navigating the current digital age we live.
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August 17, 2022My interview with Michelle Drouin on "Out Of Touch" for The Armen Show:
Michelle Drouin: Out Of Touch
Michelle Drouin: Out Of Touch
September 20, 2022
I thought this was a really interesting read, and really made me think about how society has changed over the years.
Thank you NetGalley for my complimentary copy in return for my honest review.
Thank you NetGalley for my complimentary copy in return for my honest review.
January 25, 2023
Review to come...
January 11, 2025
A grounded, academic-theory backed discussion on how we should use our smart devices, use dating apps, revitalise stale marriages and grow old with a support community.
September 17, 2025
Objectively, this book was fairly good. The author discusses some legitimate concerns about the growing decline of intimacy among younger generations as well as the impact of technology on our relationships. The solutions proposed are a bit unclear, and it remains uncertain as to what the second order effects of technology and A.I. will truly have on relationships in the near future.
Displaying 1 - 15 of 15 reviews