Everything Harder Than Everyone Else: Why some of us push our bodies to extremes

by Jenny Valentish

From acclaimed journalist Jenny Valentish comes a wildly entertaining venture into the psychology of extreme behaviour. We all have our limits – what are yours?
It’s part of human nature to test our limits. But what happens when this part comes to define us?

When Jenny Valentish wrote a memoir about addiction, she noticed that people who treated drug-taking like an Olympic sport would often hurl themselves into a pursuit such as marathon running upon getting sober. What stayed constant was the need to push their boundaries.

Everything Harder Than Everyone Else follows people doing the things that most couldn’t, wouldn’t or shouldn’t. Their insights lead Jenny on a compulsive, sometimes reckless journey through psychology, endurance and the power of obsession, revealing what we can learn about the human condition.

There’s the neuroscientist violating his brain to override his disgust response. The athlete using childhood adversity as grist for the mill. The wrestler turning restlessness into curated ultraviolence. The designer who hangs from hooks in her flesh to get out of her head. The performance artist seeking erasure by manipulating his body. The BDSM dominant helping people flirt with death to feel more alive. The bare-knuckle boxer whose gnarliest opponent was once her ego. And the porn-star-turned-fighter for whom sex and violence are two sides of the same coin.

Darkly funny and vividly penetrating, Everything Harder Than Everyone Else explores our deeper selves and asks: what are your limits?

Genres: Nonfiction

288 pages, Paperback

Published June 1, 2021

About the author

Journalist Jenny Valentish is best known for her deep dives into the human psyche.

The Introvert’s Guide to Leaving the House (Affirm Press) is a more introspective successor to Everything Harder Than Everyone Else (Black Inc), which explored the fine line between hedonism and endurance, and her mea culpa memoir Woman of Substances (Black Inc) which was nominated for a Walkley. She has also written a novel, Cherry Bomb (Allen and Unwin), about a DUI girl band, and co-edited an anthology called Your Mother Would Be Proud (Allen and Unwin).

She writes for the Guardian, the ABC and The Age, and teaches memoir and journalism as a guest lecturer at universities, for literary events, and through her own workshops.

Her preferred form of social media is Instagram, with the handle JennyValentish_Public.

Reviews

[Schizanthus Nerd · Rating 4 out of 5]

“There’s still a part of me that wants to be validated through doing things that other people don’t.”

- Charlie Engle, an ultrarunner

In this book, Jenny Valentish introduces you to people who push themselves beyond what most people are capable of or even want to do. She interviewed endurance athletes, performance artists, a rogue scientist, bodybuilders, those who participate in BDSM, martial artists, porn stars, wrestlers and fighters.

Sometimes fascinating, sometimes sad and sometimes disgust inducing, their stories took me into their worlds. They attempted to give me some understanding of why people do things like running in heat that can melt your shoes, attempt to overcome your “notions of disgust by eating what many would consider to be inedible” or putting your body in situations where extreme physical pain is to be expected, not avoided.

Some flog their reward pathways like dopamine jockeys; some careen towards injury because of an unwillingness to slow their pace; some goad themselves on to ever-greater heights or more depraved depths; some explore new frontiers of physical pain as a form of self-flagellation; some have knitted their identity so tightly to their pursuit that they risk tumbling into an abyss if it’s taken away.

In some instances, trauma seems to have provided both the impetus to attempt the activity in the first place and the ability to endure, when body and mind are both screaming at you to stop. A need to prove something, to yourself or other people, is a motivating factor for other people. Others simply went for a run one day and discovered they loved it.

The final chapter also addresses what can happen when you have worked so hard to reach a goal and finally achieve it, leaving in its wake a void as you wonder where you go from here. I found the discussion around having your identity so closely linked with an activity or job and how difficult it can be to find your bearings when that is taken from you unexpectedly particularly relatable.

One word that I absolutely adored, which I haven’t specifically come across before, was ikagai. It’s a Japanese concept that is all about your reason for being; what gives your life meaning, worth or purpose.

Some people might read a book like this and be inspired to take up running or wrestling, but that’s not me. Although I marvel at the people who are able to push their bodies so hard, you’re definitely not likely to see me running anywhere anytime soon. Unless, of course, someone’s chasing me, and even then I’ll be stopping as soon as it’s safe to do so.

While I read some books because they mirror my life in some way, I read books like this so I can get a glimpse of what things like bodybuilding are like without having to actually do it myself.

Content warnings include mention of addiction, alcoholism, bullying, child abuse, death by suicide, domestic abuse, eating disorders, mental health, self harm, sexual assault and suicidal ideation.

If you’re squeamish, don’t want to read about the variety of animals people have eaten or what they have done to their bodies for ‘art’, or don’t want to experience someone making a mockery of COVID, maybe don’t read the second chapter.

There is also a doctor, who prescribes performance and image enhancing drugs, that I found extremely problematic. They’re speaking to the author about their blood test results here. “In fact, my immune system is so good, he says, that the coronavirus won’t stick; at which point I wonder if the phrase ‘with a pinch of salt’ ought to apply to everything.” You think COVID doesn’t have serious impacts on previously healthy people? Seriously, doctor?

I’m rounding up from 3.5 stars.

Blog - https://schizanthusnerd.com

[Lee Kofman · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a great book that explores a delicious theme. I love how Jenny focuses on the psychology that motivates physical feats as opposed to their practicalities, which is exactly what is most interesting about it. The book is written in a relatively simple language, but it is philosophical in flavour and deep in its insights. There is an urgent quest there to understand what being alive means and what it takes being alive, and also – how is it best to spend our one precious life. This is also a book about how our wounds shape us and what we can do about them. The stories Jenny selected are very strong and I love how she weaves in her personal quest – it is always palpable, always there, but never intrusive, never narcissistic nor overshadowing others’ stories. I also think this is a super brave book where the author really does put herself on the line.

[Nic · Rating 3 out of 5]

Listened to on audio book
Easy listening. The first chapter was the most relatable and after that it definitely seemed to be going for shock value.

- is participating in extreme sport a form of self harming?
- 'I seek validation by doing things other people can't'
- runner says he didn't hurt anyone with his drug use, would just disappear for a week at a time - can bet his loved ones were being hurt by this!
- people want to get close to their own self destruction
- a certain type of mentality seems to be advantageous. I think you require to be a calm, determined, patient person with a high tolerance for prolonged discomfort and a high capacity for delayed gratification
- doco: The Ultimate Triathlon
- we [women] are taught to think of our bodies as decorative, an object to be looked at. [Weightlifting] teaches us to think of our bodies as functional, our own active selves, not passive objects for another's regard
- theory by psychoanalyst...in interviewing masochists, he discerned a pattern. They had all withstood painful and invasive medical treatment as children
- important to have combination of telic (end date) and atelic goals

[Grace · Rating 4 out of 5]

After reading her book Women of Substances last year, I have become a bit of a Jenny Valentish fangirl. In the same way Woman of Substances drew me in the personal, honest and enquiring reflections of women who use and abuse drugs and alcohol, this book free me in with the examining why people push themselves to limits. And surprisingly (or is it really) there are so many parallels between the worlds of substance use and abuse and pushing your body to the limits with ultra marathons or hardcore porn. Fascinating stuff which is presented in an great narrative full of personality and personal reflection by Jenny. Totally recommend if you're interested in the human condition and what drives hardcore people.

[Erica · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book is about people who push themselves to physical extremes in competitive sports including ultra running and biking, MMA, wrestling, and porn (yes the author makes a reasonable case for porn as a sport). It is very read-able, with lots of anecdotes and short interview snips, and personal stories since the author also is attracted to these activities. I could have done with a little less about her personal journey with martial arts, but each chapter was interesting and informative. She explores the motivations of why some people do these things and gives a lot of insight into the experiences of these 'ultra' people. Not for the squeamish. And I want to emphasize, an easy and enjoyable read.

[Jasper Peach · Rating 5 out of 5]

Masterful writing from Jenny Valentish - it is both a rollicking good ride (hold on for dear life, reader) and a heartfelt call to compassion. I’m not athletic but I saw myself reflected in these pages in the nuances and folds, the integration of what felt like a load of fun stories hitting right in the gut to the ohhhh I see moment. After moment. After moment. Oof.

Very pleased to read about the person FKA Penny Flame, one of my all time favourite Dr Drew Rehab trash tv patients in there and a transformation she’s gone through to find a fulfilling life that doesn’t actively bring her harm.

First read of this author and I’ll be seeking her earlier works as a matter of course.

[Stacy · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book can be rather intense at times but while the content could be somewhat cringe-inducing (I’m no fan of ‘ultra-violence’ and this is a key part of most of the extreme groups she investigates), I struggled to put the book down at night to go to sleep. Reading about the motivation people have to push the extreme was fascinating and flies in the face of pretty conservative opinions I might have had with zero insight. Definitely an interesting read.

[Jane · Rating 3 out of 5]

Interesting perspective.

[Magpie · Rating 2 out of 5]

Dnf, it wasn't bad, the writing is well done. But I just went into it thinking it would be more of a science book rather than a series of interviews

[Joshua Donellan · Rating 5 out of 5]

Inventive and illuminating.

[Miranda · Rating 5 out of 5]

Interesting, thought-provoking, and relevant