The Third Side: Why We Fight and How We Can Stop

by William Ury

According to William Ury , it takes two sides to fight, but a third to stop. Distilling the lessons of two decades of experience in family struggles, labor strikes, and wars, he presents a bold new strategy for stopping fights. He also describes ten practical roles--as managers, teachers, parents, and citizens--that each of us can play every day to prevent destructive conflict. Fighting isn't an inevitable part of human nature, Ury explains, drawing on his training as an anthropologist and his work among primitive tribes and modern corporations. We have a powerful alternative-- The Third Side --which can transform our daily battles into creative conflict and cooperation at home, at work, and in the world.

Genres: Nonfiction, Psychology, Personal Development, Philosophy, Management, Business, Social Issues

251 pages, Paperback

First published January 1, 2000

About the author

William Ury is an American author, academic, anthropologist, and negotiation expert. He co-founded the Harvard Program on Negotiation. Additionally, he helped found the International Negotiation Network with former President Jimmy Carter. Ury is the co-author of Getting to Yes with Roger Fisher, which set out the method of principled negotiation and established the idea of the best alternative to a negotiated agreement (BATNA) within negotiation theory.

Reviews

[Andrew · Rating 4 out of 5]

The Third Side was both fascinating and directive. I was surprised to find an anthropological look at violence throughout history. While he himself recognizes little evidence of violence before 10,000 years ago doesn't mean there wasn't violence, the important point is that people are just as capable of working through conflict peacefully as they are through violence, if not more so. It's a hopeful book, and a critical call for each of us to take the third side in conflict before it's too late (we now have the capability to destroy this world). It's also a helpful primer in simple steps to take in personal relationships, communities, workplaces, and across borders. I appreciate the book, and feel moved to live that third side.

[Xan · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was a great look into conflict resolution for me. Spanning from personal relationships to international relations there is a lot to learn about facilitating peace by being on the third side. I am, how do you say, passionate at times and this along with my other peace studies has showed me better ways for conflict resolution. I loved all the examples he gave as they showed how the third-sider's roles were used in many different situations and often in conjunction with another role.

"The peace we aspire to then is not a harmonious peace of the grave, nor a submissive peace of the slave, but a hardworking peace of the brave."

[David Teachout · Rating 5 out of 5]

If you really want to understand how to address conflict this is an excellent start and one that has broad implications for everything from personal relationships to international relations. The entire focus is on what Ury calls the "third side," essentially the social context in which every conflict arises and embodied in those who often have no direct link to the difficulty in question but can provide services to mitigate the problem. These "third-siders" can fill the roles of everything from healers to arbiters depending on the needs of the situation and the type of conflict in question. What is most honest here is Ury's declaration that a world without conflict is not what is being sought after, as conflict is an integral part of our progress as human beings, rather that conflict be reduced from escalating to outright violence and destruction, that we learn to harness the power of the third-side in such a way as to bridge the gaps between adversaries and resolve differences without bloodshed. We have made great progress as a species already, there is hope we can continue to do more.

[Yuting · Rating 4 out of 5]

An excellent introductory book for those interested in conflict resolution/mediation as a career option or for those whose career requires negotiation or mediation.

[Katie Pesznecker · Rating 5 out of 5]

If you find yourself often in conflict, or surrounded by people often in conflict, or even think war and violence is "inevitable," read this book.

[Ryan · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book isn't intended to be a text book, but I read this for a class on conflict transformation and peacebuilding that I'm teaching in an upcoming semester. It is one of three texts we are using in that course. The writing style isn't my favorite, but it's competent. The organizational structure can be a little hard to follow sometimes. The practical, pragmatic ideas are much better than the philosophical parts, in my view. I'm sure there are some critics and analysts who would push back against some of the claims the author makes about the effectiveness of peacekeeping forces, community conflict resolution centers, etc. But there are still a lot of really great ideas in this book. The ten roles of possible "third-siders" are really helpful and well thought out. The examples are engaging and stir readers to contemplate possibilities in their own lives and communities. I'm looking forward to engaging students with this text--the things I question or disagree with, as well as the parts that I wholeheartedly agree with.

[Youval · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book shouldn't be read in a vacuum, I had some issues with the way that Ury over-simplified the world of conflict de-escalation and resolution. Luckily, I read this with a group of people who are dedicated to being peacemakers and we used this book as a springboard for a lot of incredible conversations about conflict internationally and within our own lives. It's a great introduction to the different roles a peacemaker can take in their lives, but is best read in conversation with other people who care about conflict and peace.

[Venkateshwaralu S · Rating 5 out of 5]

A fantastic reference for anyone who is interested in learning the multi-dimensional nuances that entails the art of negotiation. Gem of a book indeed; the author comes out greatly with his deep insights into this age-old and yet relatively invisible skill!

[Luna · Rating 3 out of 5]

Very basic. Would be useful for people not looking for a deep analysis.

[Afina Mandarina · Rating 5 out of 5]

I strongly recommend this book to everyone, as there is ideas and advices worth spreading among humanity.

[Angela Morales · Rating 5 out of 5]

Good book. Insightful about managing conflicts and human relationships in general.

[Moon Weaver · Rating 3 out of 5]

Everyone.

[Jeremy Betz · Rating 3 out of 5]

The book reads less as a guide and more as a collection of stories, with a few of the stories recurring throughout the entire book. Unfortunately, I found the stories a little bit dry, and his evidence to be based too strongly on a few tales (though if you consider his experience besides his explicit stories told, that would lend more proof behind what he has to say). Still, I find this book to be a little less like a guide than I expected, and a little longer than needed. It feels like it could be split into 2 different books: "Why We Fight" and "How We Can Stop" . Despite these criticisms, it is still a worthwhile book if you find the subject to be of particular interest.

[Bob · Rating 3 out of 5]

An interesting treatice on the premise that it takes two sides to fight, but a third to stop. Based on the various roles we find ourselves in every day (manager, teacher, parent, citizen, etc.) we can participate as a third party (the third side) to facilitate the prevention and stopping conflict. William Ury (author of "Getting to Yes") describes how that happens and how we can help make that happen. A good book for those involved in community or organizational development.

[Cigdem · Rating 3 out of 5]

I appreciate the message of this book and yes, I also hold the optimistic view that in Information Age, humans have more incentive for co-existence and non-violence. However, I could not appreciate the way the material was presented in this book: repetitious, and didactic rather than inspirational, not as I hoped it would be.

[Ron Hurst · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is one of the most thoughtful and complete books connecting conflict and negotiation. Rather than a typical PhD approach of a smart kid with a magnifying glass trying to make sense of a world they are not a part of, Ury offers practical how to perspective on dealing with conflict. A great read and a must read for all

[Jill · Rating 4 out of 5]

Read for Steve Bourscaren's PEAC102 class. Lots of bookmarks in this book! Very clearly written and easy to follow.

[SSC Professional Library]

Leadership Category

[Passa · Rating 5 out of 5]

A rational approach to resolving conflicts by an experienced peacekeeper.