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194 pages, Paperback
First published September 3, 2020
"When everyone knows, they'll say they saw it coming. (...) We always knew she was like that, they will say, afraid of the truth. They knew nothing."
❝ Sometimes I question whether anyone can know what it's like before it happens. Marriage and motherhood are like death in this way, and others too: no one comes back unchanged. ❞
I lift the razor and a fairy-tale drop of blood escapes from under the silver.
But few of us had babies or even toddlers any more, and we spoke of those days with the kind of quiet reverence that elderly people use to speak about the war, our eyes misting over with the memory of the atmosphere, the breathy physicality, the murky blending of space and time. Now most of us had careers that were still on hold or had moved, somehow, to a forever part-time, lower-waged track. We were still many years away from the trickle of divorces that would begin just as our children became teenagers, their rebellions reminding us, in bodily, unavoidable forms, of worlds where things happened. For now, families were steady. In this place, most husbands had highly paid jobs, travelled a lot. Most wives, despite their multiple degrees, did all the school runs, counted the days until their men returned from Stockholm or Singapore.
It happened on a Friday, the boys in their last rhythm of the week, me trying to stay steady for them, a ship in dock, something you could hardly see the end of. I picked them up from school, administering snacks, absorbing shreds of their days, the wrappers from their sweets.
I was always liberal about television; I don’t know if I would have survived otherwise, without the children’s thoughts separated from my own, peeled away and placed in a box.
People complain that women lose themselves to motherhood, but aren’t so many of the things we do an attempt to lose ourselves?
I watched a wave of my own ignorance gathering at the edge of my thoughts, low, like tsunamis seemed to be from a distance, threatening to overtake everything.
When I was a child, there was a book – out of print now, expensive – about a unicorn who went into the sea and became a narwhal. The book had beautiful illustrations, dark blue seas, peach-pale evening skies. But the picture I remembered best was of the harpies, dark shadows, birds with women’s faces, who came down to torture the unicorn, to make him suffer. I asked my mother what a harpy was, and she told me: they punish men for the things they do.
"I asked my mother what a harpy was, and she told me: they punish men for the things they do."
"Three. I'd said it out loud, after he did. It made a kind of neat sense, something religious about its structure. Father, Son and Holy Spirit, Peter betrayed Jesus three times. A familiar number, for a good Christian girl like me. I remember being allowed to ring the bell, in church: three time, I was told."
"He would know - as I had known for years, forever - how easy it was for a body to be destroyed."
"My hands were no longer my own, I began to suspect. The belonged to someone else. Mrs Stevenson, perhaps. The woman who married Jake, who became a wife and a mother, who would never be a real person again."
“Marriage and motherhood are like death … no one comes back unchanged.”
"Nobody thinks they will become that woman until it happens. They walk down the street, knowing it will never be them.
They have no idea how it is: like the turning of a foot on a crack in the pavement, the slip of an ankle from the kerb, a falling, a single instant, the briefest action, changing it all."
"In this place, most husbands had highly paid jobs, travelled a lot. Most wives, despite their multiple degrees, did all the school runs, counted the days until their men returned from Stockholm or Singapore. When something broke through - a disease, a death, a divorce - it was like a meteorite, something cosmic landing in our lives."
"I could not think of a way to confront Jake that did not feel scripted, stilted, too cheesy or on the nose. I could fling myself at him, pummel his chest with my fists, demand that he tell me everything. I could, carefully and without crying, cut every single one of his work shirts into shreds."