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Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People
Unfortunately, the world is full of screwed-up people. But the good news, says Elizabeth Brown, is that your world no longer has to revolve around them. With brilliant insights and a keen sense of humor, this trusted author and sought-after speaker shows readers how stop the power of whatever is eating them alive, productively respond when confronted, remain poised and in control when everyone around them loses it, win fairly in unfair battles, let go of what has been, or what they wish would be, and live triumphantly now Dozens of real-life success stories, brief diagnostic tests, and practical tools are included to help readers assess their own situations and gain confidence to change self-defeating behaviors.
244 pages, Hardcover
First published October 1, 1999
244 people are currently reading
1190 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 93 reviews
April 11, 2015
The best part of reading this book was when my brother caught me reading it and took it personally. Haha!
But seriously. I found the book fairly basic, and although published by a subsidiary of Baker Books, supremely lacking in biblical support. Probably my strongest criticism, though, is that this book has been mis-titled, the blame for this lying solely with the publisher. While the title is catchy, it's misleading. This book is more about what to do if you are a victim in a toxic relationship and are in so deep that you need step-by-step, common-sense advice about how to protect yourself from further emotional or physical abuse.
But seriously. I found the book fairly basic, and although published by a subsidiary of Baker Books, supremely lacking in biblical support. Probably my strongest criticism, though, is that this book has been mis-titled, the blame for this lying solely with the publisher. While the title is catchy, it's misleading. This book is more about what to do if you are a victim in a toxic relationship and are in so deep that you need step-by-step, common-sense advice about how to protect yourself from further emotional or physical abuse.
October 14, 2014
It was an interesting read that gave me some valuable insights and inspiration, but I feel still at a loss on how to put it too practice.
Here some concrete remarks:
- i perceive the chapters as quite abstract. I would have expected more examples, especially positive examples;
- the book relates quite often to the previous book of the author on how to cope with the death of a relative/close one. As I have not had this experience, the reasoning and examples are hard for me to understand and connect with my own situation;
Here some concrete remarks:
- i perceive the chapters as quite abstract. I would have expected more examples, especially positive examples;
- the book relates quite often to the previous book of the author on how to cope with the death of a relative/close one. As I have not had this experience, the reasoning and examples are hard for me to understand and connect with my own situation;
February 16, 2017
She offers a different response to dysfunction than a lot of modern thought. I liked her realistic approach and understanding that some people are messed up and they are here to stay. Biggest take away-- we can't control others but we can stop ourselves from getting sucked into their dysfunction train and choose instead to respond lovingly.
May 28, 2017
I'd rather read Erma Bombeck. At times when reading this book I wonder how much of a grasp on the concepts discussed does the author have and how effective a therapist she would be based on the erratic and shallow nature of the coverage of topics intended to be laid bare in this book.
Also in Chapter 9: Let Go, she talks about disconnecting yourself from the relationship or unhealthy person to untangle (a word she uses frequently,) but she never explains the thought processes behind now. She just starts using the word untangle and the word disconnect and then assumes the reader will figure out what untangle and disconnect look like through storytelling by some of the most obtuse and generic analogies. Much of my time spent reading this book left me wondering if the things written in here reflect how she attempted to counsel people and how successful those counseling sessions were.
When she's talking about detachment her analogy for freeing yourself by any means necessary from poor relationships is:
"The butterfly doesn't spend its life regretting the time it spent eating the trees. It stops its old pattern, gets quiet within its cocoon, and then breaks free to spend the next part of its life bringing joy and beauty to its world as it spreads its wings. The experiences of your past, like those of the butterfly, can be used for good. Out of them you may develop empathy and understand that will help you, like the butterfly, spread joy and beauty."
The above writing style is used throughout the book. I didn't know butterfly larvae eat trees, and that eating those trees is an action that should be evaluated as good or bad. The style, for me, was really cumbersome and wordy in that the author really says one sentence worth of relevant information fluffed into an analogy that holds little relevance, but is sure to spread its joy and beauty into your heart and mind.
I think that maybe part of the issue with the book is that it feels extremely over simplified. Topics are discussed in such an approachable way with the typical storytelling, I had a patient named Bob... blah blah blah... that they lose most of their substance and so we're left with what ends up being a lecture manuscript to be delivered in a Church service rather than utilizing the book format to really present and inform the reader on what the title suggests they're seeking, How to live with Screwed-Up people.
Chapter 18 took this book from unhelpful to insulting. The entire chapter was about how faith can save and set you free... quoting scripture and the whole nine yards. It was extremely distasteful.
Spoiler alert her book boils down to: You're most likely the screwed up person in the relationship (Projection! You're reading this book, duh). Praying can solve a lot of problems. Stop seeking what you want and instead find ways to enjoy living with what you have. Disconnect from the people in your relationship. Stop depending on others for your self-esteem. Accept the reality that other people will continue to behave as they have always behaved, so stop pressuring others to change their behavior. Watch Disney movies for insight into solving your relationship problems. Accept that what you can see as the only choice for reality.
Also in Chapter 9: Let Go, she talks about disconnecting yourself from the relationship or unhealthy person to untangle (a word she uses frequently,) but she never explains the thought processes behind now. She just starts using the word untangle and the word disconnect and then assumes the reader will figure out what untangle and disconnect look like through storytelling by some of the most obtuse and generic analogies. Much of my time spent reading this book left me wondering if the things written in here reflect how she attempted to counsel people and how successful those counseling sessions were.
When she's talking about detachment her analogy for freeing yourself by any means necessary from poor relationships is:
"The butterfly doesn't spend its life regretting the time it spent eating the trees. It stops its old pattern, gets quiet within its cocoon, and then breaks free to spend the next part of its life bringing joy and beauty to its world as it spreads its wings. The experiences of your past, like those of the butterfly, can be used for good. Out of them you may develop empathy and understand that will help you, like the butterfly, spread joy and beauty."
The above writing style is used throughout the book. I didn't know butterfly larvae eat trees, and that eating those trees is an action that should be evaluated as good or bad. The style, for me, was really cumbersome and wordy in that the author really says one sentence worth of relevant information fluffed into an analogy that holds little relevance, but is sure to spread its joy and beauty into your heart and mind.
I think that maybe part of the issue with the book is that it feels extremely over simplified. Topics are discussed in such an approachable way with the typical storytelling, I had a patient named Bob... blah blah blah... that they lose most of their substance and so we're left with what ends up being a lecture manuscript to be delivered in a Church service rather than utilizing the book format to really present and inform the reader on what the title suggests they're seeking, How to live with Screwed-Up people.
Chapter 18 took this book from unhelpful to insulting. The entire chapter was about how faith can save and set you free... quoting scripture and the whole nine yards. It was extremely distasteful.
Spoiler alert her book boils down to: You're most likely the screwed up person in the relationship (Projection! You're reading this book, duh). Praying can solve a lot of problems. Stop seeking what you want and instead find ways to enjoy living with what you have. Disconnect from the people in your relationship. Stop depending on others for your self-esteem. Accept the reality that other people will continue to behave as they have always behaved, so stop pressuring others to change their behavior. Watch Disney movies for insight into solving your relationship problems. Accept that what you can see as the only choice for reality.
January 14, 2012
Alright, I'll admit it. This book title attracted my eye after spending the holidays with my extended family. Not that my family is composed of screwed up people. Far from it! But the clan, as a whole, was having difficulty dealing effectively -- "living successfully" -- with one difficult member. Many of the coping strategies were reactive and bordered on being as dysfunctional as the original underlying behaviors.
While this book does not transcend much of the "self-help" pablum: clarity of vision, become more proactive, etc., there we two very helpful tools which dramatically added to the overall value of the book. Fairly early on (page 44) there was a set of 20 questions which help clarify whether the problem was a truly toxic personality (on a scale of 1 to 20). This is a very helpful tool in determining where an investment of action will (or won't) be most effective.
The other insightful tool begins on page 139 and is a list of tactics used by and in response to screwed-up people.
While these tools, as the book as a whole, are focused on individual toxicity, there is good resonance with institutional and community dysfunction. That is to say, that you don't need to be suffering the slings of a particular person to find in this book important perspective and strategies for your broader sense of "living successfully."
While this book does not transcend much of the "self-help" pablum: clarity of vision, become more proactive, etc., there we two very helpful tools which dramatically added to the overall value of the book. Fairly early on (page 44) there was a set of 20 questions which help clarify whether the problem was a truly toxic personality (on a scale of 1 to 20). This is a very helpful tool in determining where an investment of action will (or won't) be most effective.
The other insightful tool begins on page 139 and is a list of tactics used by and in response to screwed-up people.
While these tools, as the book as a whole, are focused on individual toxicity, there is good resonance with institutional and community dysfunction. That is to say, that you don't need to be suffering the slings of a particular person to find in this book important perspective and strategies for your broader sense of "living successfully."
February 25, 2018
This book was okay. Luckily it was a quick read and I did pick up a few tidbits of advice and knowledge. However, I think my opinion was skewed because of other books I’ve read before this one. For a self-help book the actionable lists were not helpful to me in making a change with my relationships. Also, I felt the similes the author used were too frequent and over exaggerated. It did nothing to help my understanding of the material or points she was trying to make. If I were to recommend a book to learn how to have better relationships with others I would recommend either The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People: Powerful Lessons in Personal Change or How to Win Friends and Influence People. I feel these are more tried and true books with advice that can be learned and used every day.
May 16, 2022
I have not read a self-help book before, so it is difficult for me to compare to similar works. The title is catchy, so I gave it a go. Not being familiar with this genre, the writing style (and content) overwhelmed me and I re-read it to get a better sense of the material. In short, the author tries to do too much in too little space. Group therapy may work for AA; but for abusive relationships, it seems subjective. Maybe it is not group therapy; but more of a sermon approach.
The chapters are short and focused on certain aspects of psychology. Anecdotal stories occupy seemingly 50% of the book. They offer testimonial support to the author with very little else. A second reading excluding these stories makes it easier to focus on Brown's own words.
Brown covers a lot of toxic behaviors. Screwed Up People (SUP) rarely exhibit all of the behaviors in a toxic relationship. That means that Brown is running a gamut of different types of personalities and disorders. Readers seeking help will recognize some of these in their SUP and want more, only for Brown to change to something else. It is easier to picture Brown addressing an auditorium than a single patient reclining on a couch. This makes the entire book more like church than counseling.
Religion does play a role in the book. I do appreciate that bluntly states that she counsels against divorce except in certain cases of abuse. But the screwed up people may be siblings, children, friends, or employers. So, the book assumes that you will stick with the SUP. Religion does play a role in the book. It offers one of the most convincing arguments for prayer that I have seen: it is a sign of hope. Other sections have God sprinkled in. But only one chapter is devoted to faith. Again, the focus on that chapter is to retain hope for improvement in the relationship. The book does not drown in religion; but there is a preachiness to the book.
One reviewer claims that you, dear reader, are the SUP. I am not convinced. The advice that is given somewhat chaotically can be seen as common sense: set boundaries, stay focused, do not argue, disengage, change your own behavior - not the other person. Would a screwed up person read that and think 'that's me'? Maybe all of us are screwed up people. Brown does not say that.
Overall, the book is cursory and self-congratulating. Readers will certainly recognize toxic behaviors from their own lives. The actions Brown suggest may offer some relief. It all comes down to 'deal with it.' There is a chapter on when to end the relationship; but even Brown does not offer much enthusiasm in this chapter. She is usually upbeat and energetic. The overall tone and chaotic nature of the book reminds me of charismatic speakers who have terrible writing styles because their in-person strength does not translate into written words - James Burke and Simcha Jacobovici come to mind. It is an interesting book offering good advice.
The chapters are short and focused on certain aspects of psychology. Anecdotal stories occupy seemingly 50% of the book. They offer testimonial support to the author with very little else. A second reading excluding these stories makes it easier to focus on Brown's own words.
Brown covers a lot of toxic behaviors. Screwed Up People (SUP) rarely exhibit all of the behaviors in a toxic relationship. That means that Brown is running a gamut of different types of personalities and disorders. Readers seeking help will recognize some of these in their SUP and want more, only for Brown to change to something else. It is easier to picture Brown addressing an auditorium than a single patient reclining on a couch. This makes the entire book more like church than counseling.
Religion does play a role in the book. I do appreciate that bluntly states that she counsels against divorce except in certain cases of abuse. But the screwed up people may be siblings, children, friends, or employers. So, the book assumes that you will stick with the SUP. Religion does play a role in the book. It offers one of the most convincing arguments for prayer that I have seen: it is a sign of hope. Other sections have God sprinkled in. But only one chapter is devoted to faith. Again, the focus on that chapter is to retain hope for improvement in the relationship. The book does not drown in religion; but there is a preachiness to the book.
One reviewer claims that you, dear reader, are the SUP. I am not convinced. The advice that is given somewhat chaotically can be seen as common sense: set boundaries, stay focused, do not argue, disengage, change your own behavior - not the other person. Would a screwed up person read that and think 'that's me'? Maybe all of us are screwed up people. Brown does not say that.
Overall, the book is cursory and self-congratulating. Readers will certainly recognize toxic behaviors from their own lives. The actions Brown suggest may offer some relief. It all comes down to 'deal with it.' There is a chapter on when to end the relationship; but even Brown does not offer much enthusiasm in this chapter. She is usually upbeat and energetic. The overall tone and chaotic nature of the book reminds me of charismatic speakers who have terrible writing styles because their in-person strength does not translate into written words - James Burke and Simcha Jacobovici come to mind. It is an interesting book offering good advice.
June 19, 2018
Fantastic life rules. Aren’t we all screwed-up?
March 21, 2011
I picked this book up while I was visiting Williamsburg VA. Everyday we face people during our walk through life that have very different perspectives on life than we do. Some are family, some co-workers & others just acquaintances we meet in our random dealings. I did enjoy reading this book although there were some times where I felt as if I wasn't getting what the author was trying to relay. I did find interest in thinking about whether the "SUP" was the other person or myself. Sometimes we are the manufacturers of our problems by our preconceived notions or bad habits. Taking a good long look in the mirror could be exactly what is needed. Also forgiving others and forgiving oneself. The bible teaches we must forgive to be forgiven. It simply means if we harbor bitterness in our hearts against another, the sin of bitterness will separate us from GOD & cause us to miss Heaven. That I understand but there are things in our lives that we say or do that we need to forgive ourselves for. Words are forever & once they are out there, there is no taking them back. There are times when someone dies and we cannot make the amends we had planned on. Bitterness against oneself is like a cancer eating at the soul. If it is beyond our capability to correct the infraction, we must put it behind us & forgive ourselves for the failure. Start again fresh & learn from mistakes. I guess I did glean some insights from the book didn't I? I hope you enjoy the book as well and place a few nuggets of wisdom into your lives to make dealing with complicated people a less complicated part of your life!
July 30, 2023
This book touches on so many different areas in your life, and talks about how to help yourself in this world when you are unsure how to cope or go throughout life with people that might makes things difficult.
Feel like I’m able to go on throughout my life feeling more confident and knowing that it’s my life, and no one else’s.
Feel like I’m able to go on throughout my life feeling more confident and knowing that it’s my life, and no one else’s.
July 30, 2010
Lots of info for both sides of the fence!
January 2, 2012
I realized that I was the screwed-up person I was living with....no seriously, this was a kindle freebie that reiterates what all self-help books say....you can only fix yourself...so do it.
April 20, 2019
This book would have been better had the author not thrown in her right-wing ideological examples, making her political disposition clear for everybody who reads your book. Wow, smart move, let's alienate half or more of your readership . . .
She actually called the Black Panthers a "radical terrorist group". Seriously? Oh, but there's more. I won't get into the details, but I was very disgusted with this tact. Plus of course there's the usual Christian god stuff, though thankfully not that much only in one chapter at the end.
I only got really useful info that wasn't full of right wing examples and repetitive info out of Chapters 15 and 16. So if your curious, read those two and skip the rest. Needless to say, I won't be reading anything else by this author.
I forgot to mention that there's a whole ablest chapter and most of the time it's very victim-blamey and shaming on those who choose not to forgive. Skip this book and shop around. There's better out there.
She actually called the Black Panthers a "radical terrorist group". Seriously? Oh, but there's more. I won't get into the details, but I was very disgusted with this tact. Plus of course there's the usual Christian god stuff, though thankfully not that much only in one chapter at the end.
I only got really useful info that wasn't full of right wing examples and repetitive info out of Chapters 15 and 16. So if your curious, read those two and skip the rest. Needless to say, I won't be reading anything else by this author.
I forgot to mention that there's a whole ablest chapter and most of the time it's very victim-blamey and shaming on those who choose not to forgive. Skip this book and shop around. There's better out there.
December 24, 2018
Because of the word choice in the title of the book and also because of the design of the book cover, I expected lots of humor in the book so I was a little disappointed to find the book was definitely more informational than humorous.
There was not much information in the book that was new to me, but it was good to have the information organized in one book. I think the advice may be helpful to me in my volunteer work and as a person who cares about others.
Being a reader who is a compulsive proofreader, I was pleased to find that this book must have had an excellent editor. The only thing I found strange was that in my Kindle version of the book, as I read using portrait orientation, the first words following bullet points did not line up since the format was set up for right-aligned paragraphs.
There was not much information in the book that was new to me, but it was good to have the information organized in one book. I think the advice may be helpful to me in my volunteer work and as a person who cares about others.
Being a reader who is a compulsive proofreader, I was pleased to find that this book must have had an excellent editor. The only thing I found strange was that in my Kindle version of the book, as I read using portrait orientation, the first words following bullet points did not line up since the format was set up for right-aligned paragraphs.
October 24, 2018
We all struggle with relationships that have gone south, sometimes quickly, sometimes over years. I am divorcing and for me that's the best for me and the kids. This book I picked up last year when I had major issues with my husband, but I didn't read it then, read it now and though it does talk about ways to stay in the relationship it does say don't stay if it's too toxic and possibly dangerous. In that case I should have left a couple of years earlier. But this book is also good to use for yourself to go over relational patterns and learn to better interact with healthy people and move on with your life. You can grow a lot with this book. I encourage all who are struggling with dealing with a screwed up person to read this book.
January 27, 2022
I haven't finished the book yet: contemplating whether I will or not. She says it takes two people to have a screwed up relationship (paraphrasing), but one person can change it. Based on my current experience, this just isn't so. Maybe I learn to let a little more things roll off my back, but if the people I have issues with not only refuse to change (even though one of them acknowledges they have issues, but refuses to talk to anyone who suggests there's things they need to do to change instead of expecting some magic medication to zap them out of indifference and anger), then I'm still stuck in a relationship where I'm not respected and treated like a doormat. I was expecting a little more spiritual advice than this book seems to offer.
June 14, 2017
Not my favorite book on combatting abuse and mistreatment. I'll give the author credit for calling out many abusive behaviors and saying their remedy is, you know, getting away from the abuser/s, but her overall take on the horrors of abusive relationships ultimately felt very superficial to me. So I have to throw this one on the bonfire I call "Band-Aid on a Gushing Wound" 'philosophy' of 'treating' abuse victims. (See also: Dr. Phil workbooks, and well, everything Phil McGraw, most things Oprah endorsed after 2006 and Dr. Laura.)
In other words, not very good. My copy claims it's sold 500,000 copies, though, so obviously people got a lot out of the title, anyway.
In other words, not very good. My copy claims it's sold 500,000 copies, though, so obviously people got a lot out of the title, anyway.
October 18, 2022
The first half of the book is good and was very helpful as I reflected on relationships that have been causing me a lot of stress. However, as the book progressed I felt there were far too many anecdotes which did nothing to further my understanding of the author’s points. The chapters in the latter half of the book felt useless to the goal of “living successfully with screwed-up people”. I also felt uncomfortable because the author clearly wove her beliefs into her writing, from countless mentions of god and faith, to hinting that she very much looked down on the Black Panther Party and abortion.
August 24, 2025
..."long for a faith like the child who attended the prayer service in Iowa where drought had parched & browned the fields, and the crops lay wilting from thirst. Local ministers called for an hour of prayer in the town square, asking everyone to bring an object of faith for inspiration. The townspeople filled the square with anxious faces & hopeful hearts, a variety of objects clutched in prayerful hands- holy books, crosses,rosaries. When the hour ended, as if on command, a soft rain began to fall. Cheers swept the crowd as they held their treasured objects high in gratitude & praise. One faith symbol seemed to overshadow all the others: A nine year old child had brought an umbrella."
November 9, 2025
To be honest, I skimmed most of this because it is poorly written. It feels like reading an essay where someone needed to reach a word limit so they just talk in circles and scramble a bunch of things together. There are a few good one liners but those could have been written in a list rather than a book. The book regurgitates the same ideas of making choices about what kind of people you want in your life and setting boundaries. It also went on and on about looking within yourself. I want to like this and feel some people might. This is definitely the basics for beginners in relationships.
April 18, 2019
Good read. Better advice.
- Covers all aspects of dealing with difficult people
- Addresses points of contention around faith and the role it does and does not serve in navigating tough relationships
- provides thought-provoking anecdotes and places responsibility on the “helper” or person trying to navigate to grow and change their approach
Overall I enjoyed this read. It is a quick and easy read and the author’s advice is spot on. I’m glad a colleague shared it with me.
- Covers all aspects of dealing with difficult people
- Addresses points of contention around faith and the role it does and does not serve in navigating tough relationships
- provides thought-provoking anecdotes and places responsibility on the “helper” or person trying to navigate to grow and change their approach
Overall I enjoyed this read. It is a quick and easy read and the author’s advice is spot on. I’m glad a colleague shared it with me.
July 4, 2019
While one might read this book sheepishly (afraid people might get the wrong idea about your loved ones), I think this book would help anyone! A ministry friend highly recommended this book to me and in fact shared a copy. I found it to be incredibly practical, encouraging and interesting. The reality is, we all have screwed-up people in our lives (and we are likely someone's screwed-up person). Let's learn how to handle them in the healthiest way possible.
April 10, 2024
I was not a fan of the last chapter of this book. The author made it seem like having faith in God is the best way to go about dealing with screwed-up people. While having an answer as to "why" a person has to deal with a dysfunctional loved one helps one gain solace and understanding, prayer and faith are not enough to deal with that kind of person. Active change to the relationship with the screwed-up person has to be implemented, or the negative cycle will continue.
August 18, 2018
Powerful read! Very well written and lots of depth if you choose to look in the mirror and be truthful with yourself and your situation. I enjoyed this book, definitely recommend if you’re looking for or just would like some real growth in yourself dealing with relationships and just people in general.
April 13, 2019
Thought Provoking
I enjoyed this book. It had some new ides along with some old ones that I had forgotten.
I saw myself and several others in the examples which gave me hope and a plan on how to deal.
I really appreciate the Lifelines at the end of each chapter. Easy to go back and review main points from each chapter.
I enjoyed this book. It had some new ides along with some old ones that I had forgotten.
I saw myself and several others in the examples which gave me hope and a plan on how to deal.
I really appreciate the Lifelines at the end of each chapter. Easy to go back and review main points from each chapter.
December 17, 2019
This is really great, practical advice. The first step: Check to make sure that you, yourself are not the screwed up person in your relationship! From there, the author helps you to understand the relationship in general: how it takes two, how to recognize, how to gain control over yourself, and how to deal. Very insightful and easy to put into practice.
January 8, 2021
I'll admit it. I feel like I have a lot of screwed up people in my life. This book offers hope and practical guidelines. But it also makes you dig into your own heart and asks some very thought provoking questions. I feel I gained some practical tips and strategies and I will continue to ponder this book as I try to make relationships in my life better.
March 28, 2021
Started off ok, but the last chapter being about 'faith' - but actually religion not faith - made me regret reading the whole book.
Felt like the first 17 chapters were 'this is how to tell your in a screwed up relationship' then the one place it felt like it would really help with what to do, it was like 'pray, god will help'.
Felt like the first 17 chapters were 'this is how to tell your in a screwed up relationship' then the one place it felt like it would really help with what to do, it was like 'pray, god will help'.
July 24, 2018
Used this book as a part of a Bible study group. Very applicable to everyday living. Clear strategies for successfully handling others and bettering ourselves. A book i will continually refer to. Already have.
February 10, 2021
This book was ok but not what I was expecting. I was expecting something more along the lines of how to overcome obstacles that screwed up people create and not so much learning how to deal with screwed up people.
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