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Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls
Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls has been called "one of the truly transformational works of our time" - and it's author Robert Burney referred to as "a metaphysical Stephen Hawking." This joyously inspirational Spiritual book presents a set of beliefs about the meaning and purpose of life from a Cosmic Perspective that combines Twelve Step Recovery Principles, Native American Spirituality, and Ancient Metaphysical Truths. It explains why a New Age has dawned in human consciousness on planet Earth and explores the interrelationship between subjects that range from the Bible, Buddha, and Jesus to quantum physics, molecular biology, and AIDS. The belief system the book is based upon is exemplified by this quote from The Dance of Wounded Souls: "We are not sinful, shameful human creatures who have to somehow earn Spirituality. We are Spiritual Beings having a human experience. We are here to experience and learn, to Touch and to feel." A counselor/coach and Spiritual Teacher whose work has been compared to John Bradshaw's "except much more spiritual" and described as "taking inner child healing to a new level" - Robert has developed a unique approach to emotional healing that is the next level of recovery from codependency so many people on a healing / spiritual path have been seeking. He has pioneered an inner child healing paradigm that offers a powerful, life changing formula for integrating Love, Spiritual Truth, and intellectual knowledge of healthy behavior into one's emotional experience of life - a blueprint for individuals to transform their core relationship with self and life. Robert, whose work is firmly grounded on twelve step recovery principles and emotional energy release / grief process therapy, specializes in teaching individuals how to become empowered to have internal boundaries so they can learn to relax and enjoy life in the moment while healing. It is the unique approach and application of the concept of internal boundaries, coupled with a Loving Spiritual belief system, that make the work so innovative and effective. This is a life-changing, life-affirming book. "I have been one of the lucky people to read your sensational book! . . . This book is truly a masterpiece. . . Wouldn't it be great if every living being on the planet read this book? Global transformation!" "There is much joy expressed in this book. We are given an opportunity to change the dance from one of suffering and endurance to one of celebration and appreciation. Robert's words will move and inspire you" "I am a 52 year old psychotherapist and have struggled with codependency all my life. Up until tonight I have been disappointed in the literature and treatment of codependency. Your work is brilliant! I can't find words to express my appreciation with the depth I am feeling." "Your writing is more insightful and instructive for change than Bradshaw and Melody Beattie of codependence no more. Pia Melody's pretty good but you're more broad thinking in concepts and more compassionate too.” "When I found your book, I found myself." “ . . . your perspective on philosophy, spirituality and psychology is really unique. I've read and listened to many spiritual people, but I've never found someone who combines love, acceptance and humor in such a profound manner." "I find it very exciting that you have brought the whole definition of codependence to this spiritual level, where I can much more relate to it's truth." “I have read and studied many authors on this healing journey of mine but you really relate to all of my issues like no one else. I have read over 300 books in the past few years but you explain everything in simple but yet so enlightening truths. God bless you and you are making a difference to many. Oprah needs to read your work." "This book is an affirmation of your true nature: love. I gratefully recommend it."
130 pages, Kindle Edition
First published September 1, 1995
58 people are currently reading
305 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 17 of 17 reviews
April 9, 2013
"We live in a society where the emotional experience of "love" is conditional on behavior. Where fear, guilt, and shame are used to try to control children's behavior because parents believe that their children's behavior reflects their self-worth.
In other words, if little Johnny is a well-behaved, "good boy," then his parents are good people. If Johnny acts out, and misbehaves, then there is something wrong with his parents. ("He doesn't come from a good family.")
What the family dynamics research shows is that it is actually the good child - the family hero role - who is the most emotionally dishonest and out of touch with him/herself, while the acting-out child - the scapegoat - is the most emotionally honest child in the dysfunctional family. Backwards again.
In a Codependent society we are taught, in the name of "love," to try to control those we love, by manipulating and shaming them, to try to get them to do the right things - in order to protect our own ego-strength. Our emotional experience of love is of something controlling: "I love you if you do what I want you to do." Our emotional experience of love is of something that is shaming and manipulative and abusive.
Love that is shaming and abusive is an insane, ridiculous concept. Just as insane and ridiculous as the concept of murder and war in the name of God.
....
"Codependence is an emotional and behavioral defense system which was adopted by our egos in order to meet our need to survive as a child. Because we had no tools for reprogramming our egos and healing our emotional wounds (culturally approved grieving, training and initiation rites, healthy role models, etc.), the effect is that as an adult we keep reacting to the programming of our childhood and do not get our needs met - our emotional, mental, Spiritual, or physical needs. Codependence allows us to survive physically but causes us to feel empty and dead inside. Codependence is a defense system that causes us to wound ourselves.
Some people, when they first get into Recovery, when they first start on a healing path, mistakenly believe that they are supposed to take down their defenses and learn to trust everyone. That is a very dysfunctional belief. It is necessary to take down the dysfunctional defense systems but we have to replace them with defenses that work. We have to have a defense system, we have to be able to protect ourselves. There is still a hostile environment out there full of wounded Adult Children whom it is not safe to trust.
In our disease defense system we build up huge walls to protect ourselves and then - as soon as we meet someone who will help us to repeat our patterns of abuse, abandonment, betrayal, and/or deprivation - we lower the drawbridge and invite them in. We, in our Codependence, have radar systems which cause us to be attracted to, and attract to us, the people, who for us personally, are exactly the most untrustworthy (or unavailable or smothering or abusive or whatever we need to repeat our patterns) individuals - exactly the ones who will "push our buttons."
This happens because those people feel familiar. Unfortunately in childhood the people whom we trusted the most - were the most familiar - hurt us the most. So the effect is that we keep repeating our patterns and being given the reminder that it is not safe to trust ourselves or other people
Once we begin healing we can see that the Truth is that it is not safe to trust as long as we are reacting out of the emotional wounds and attitudes of our childhoods. Once we start Recovering, then we can begin to see that on a Spiritual level these repeating behavior patterns are opportunities to heal the childhood wounds.
The process of Recovery teaches us how to take down the walls and protect ourselves in healthy ways - by learning what healthy boundaries are, how to set them, and how to defend them. It teaches us to be discerning in our choices, to ask for what we need, and to be assertive and Loving in meeting our own needs. (Of course many of us have to first get used to the revolutionary idea that it is all right for us to have needs.)"
.....
In my Update Newsletter for October 2000, I talked about a mother and daughter that I had done some work with. Several times a year I have counseling sessions with one or both of them as they have opportunities for growth in their recovery. Earlier this week I had a session with the mother. Her daughter had once again engaged in behavior that was dangerous and life threatening. She was very upset about an incident that her daughter had experienced - and was putting a lot of energy into blaming the daughter's boyfriend.
She kept saying how controlling, possessive, and abusive this boyfriend was and how she just couldn't understand it. She felt that her daughter had chosen the boyfriend over her own mother and out of the deep hurt she was feeling she was blaming. She mentioned several times how she had said to her daughter, "What is wrong with you!" Then she would swing to the other extreme and say, "Maybe I failed somehow as a parent." She was caught up in codependent polarized reaction to her fear, pain, and shame.
After letting her vent for a long period of time, I brought her back to focusing on her Spiritual belief system and applying the Serenity prayer to what was happening. I reminded her that the reason her daughter was in a relationship that was controlling, possessive, and abusive was because that was the only type of relationship the daughter was familiar with. I reminded her that she, in her concern and love for her daughter, out of her fear of her daughters self destructive behavior, had been controlling, possessive, and abusive. I pointed out that it was abusive to say something like, "what is wrong with you." - because it equates behavior with being. Doing something "wrong" does not mean there is something wrong with us. The daughter was in fact, just repeating her codependent patterns - and to me, her behavior was not only understandable, but very predictable. (And repeating the patterns was not a sign that she had not grown. This was a new opportunity for growth at a higher level of consciousness for her - a perfect part of her growth process, not some regression or slip into old behavior. We make progress gradually.)
The reality of codependence is that we get in relationship with people who feel familiar - people who will repeat our childhood emotional dynamics. We keep getting involved with people with whom we can recreate the emotional dynamics from our childhood in some way.
In other words, if little Johnny is a well-behaved, "good boy," then his parents are good people. If Johnny acts out, and misbehaves, then there is something wrong with his parents. ("He doesn't come from a good family.")
What the family dynamics research shows is that it is actually the good child - the family hero role - who is the most emotionally dishonest and out of touch with him/herself, while the acting-out child - the scapegoat - is the most emotionally honest child in the dysfunctional family. Backwards again.
In a Codependent society we are taught, in the name of "love," to try to control those we love, by manipulating and shaming them, to try to get them to do the right things - in order to protect our own ego-strength. Our emotional experience of love is of something controlling: "I love you if you do what I want you to do." Our emotional experience of love is of something that is shaming and manipulative and abusive.
Love that is shaming and abusive is an insane, ridiculous concept. Just as insane and ridiculous as the concept of murder and war in the name of God.
....
"Codependence is an emotional and behavioral defense system which was adopted by our egos in order to meet our need to survive as a child. Because we had no tools for reprogramming our egos and healing our emotional wounds (culturally approved grieving, training and initiation rites, healthy role models, etc.), the effect is that as an adult we keep reacting to the programming of our childhood and do not get our needs met - our emotional, mental, Spiritual, or physical needs. Codependence allows us to survive physically but causes us to feel empty and dead inside. Codependence is a defense system that causes us to wound ourselves.
Some people, when they first get into Recovery, when they first start on a healing path, mistakenly believe that they are supposed to take down their defenses and learn to trust everyone. That is a very dysfunctional belief. It is necessary to take down the dysfunctional defense systems but we have to replace them with defenses that work. We have to have a defense system, we have to be able to protect ourselves. There is still a hostile environment out there full of wounded Adult Children whom it is not safe to trust.
In our disease defense system we build up huge walls to protect ourselves and then - as soon as we meet someone who will help us to repeat our patterns of abuse, abandonment, betrayal, and/or deprivation - we lower the drawbridge and invite them in. We, in our Codependence, have radar systems which cause us to be attracted to, and attract to us, the people, who for us personally, are exactly the most untrustworthy (or unavailable or smothering or abusive or whatever we need to repeat our patterns) individuals - exactly the ones who will "push our buttons."
This happens because those people feel familiar. Unfortunately in childhood the people whom we trusted the most - were the most familiar - hurt us the most. So the effect is that we keep repeating our patterns and being given the reminder that it is not safe to trust ourselves or other people
Once we begin healing we can see that the Truth is that it is not safe to trust as long as we are reacting out of the emotional wounds and attitudes of our childhoods. Once we start Recovering, then we can begin to see that on a Spiritual level these repeating behavior patterns are opportunities to heal the childhood wounds.
The process of Recovery teaches us how to take down the walls and protect ourselves in healthy ways - by learning what healthy boundaries are, how to set them, and how to defend them. It teaches us to be discerning in our choices, to ask for what we need, and to be assertive and Loving in meeting our own needs. (Of course many of us have to first get used to the revolutionary idea that it is all right for us to have needs.)"
.....
In my Update Newsletter for October 2000, I talked about a mother and daughter that I had done some work with. Several times a year I have counseling sessions with one or both of them as they have opportunities for growth in their recovery. Earlier this week I had a session with the mother. Her daughter had once again engaged in behavior that was dangerous and life threatening. She was very upset about an incident that her daughter had experienced - and was putting a lot of energy into blaming the daughter's boyfriend.
She kept saying how controlling, possessive, and abusive this boyfriend was and how she just couldn't understand it. She felt that her daughter had chosen the boyfriend over her own mother and out of the deep hurt she was feeling she was blaming. She mentioned several times how she had said to her daughter, "What is wrong with you!" Then she would swing to the other extreme and say, "Maybe I failed somehow as a parent." She was caught up in codependent polarized reaction to her fear, pain, and shame.
After letting her vent for a long period of time, I brought her back to focusing on her Spiritual belief system and applying the Serenity prayer to what was happening. I reminded her that the reason her daughter was in a relationship that was controlling, possessive, and abusive was because that was the only type of relationship the daughter was familiar with. I reminded her that she, in her concern and love for her daughter, out of her fear of her daughters self destructive behavior, had been controlling, possessive, and abusive. I pointed out that it was abusive to say something like, "what is wrong with you." - because it equates behavior with being. Doing something "wrong" does not mean there is something wrong with us. The daughter was in fact, just repeating her codependent patterns - and to me, her behavior was not only understandable, but very predictable. (And repeating the patterns was not a sign that she had not grown. This was a new opportunity for growth at a higher level of consciousness for her - a perfect part of her growth process, not some regression or slip into old behavior. We make progress gradually.)
The reality of codependence is that we get in relationship with people who feel familiar - people who will repeat our childhood emotional dynamics. We keep getting involved with people with whom we can recreate the emotional dynamics from our childhood in some way.
May 26, 2012
The understanding of codependency has come a long way, however all of the books I've read about it resort to giving control to a higher power/being, instead of taking responsibility for your own actions. I think this is a cop-out.
Read
March 23, 2013Just fantastic. Great for anyone that has issues with addiction.
January 12, 2021
Acceptance. As simple as it sounds,it can also be the hardest thing to do. Especially accepting of one's own situation. Beautiful book.
October 22, 2015
Overall it was a really interesting read.
I took a lot of good points from it about finding love and acceptance within yourself and the ego being the negative voice that wants us to fail.
I ended up taking pictures of some of the really profound parts and posting them on instagram as there was just too much text to share via Twitter.
In some parts it seemed like it was entering into sermon territory which I strongly dislike given my negative experiences with organised religion. He did make some good points about how various religions have shaped society and our own thoughts on self-worth and self-acceptance. (we are taught to be ashamed of our humanity and our bodies, etc).
It would say that this book is the scientific cousin of Doreen Virtue and Louise Hay's books. They have similar ideas about love and acceptance but are put forward in a different way.
I took a lot of good points from it about finding love and acceptance within yourself and the ego being the negative voice that wants us to fail.
I ended up taking pictures of some of the really profound parts and posting them on instagram as there was just too much text to share via Twitter.
In some parts it seemed like it was entering into sermon territory which I strongly dislike given my negative experiences with organised religion. He did make some good points about how various religions have shaped society and our own thoughts on self-worth and self-acceptance. (we are taught to be ashamed of our humanity and our bodies, etc).
It would say that this book is the scientific cousin of Doreen Virtue and Louise Hay's books. They have similar ideas about love and acceptance but are put forward in a different way.
December 2, 2018
My review
Very interesting perspective on codependency. I think a foundation of the 12 step recovery process is helpful in understanding the authors world view. Believing we are Spirits having a Human experience also helps in embracing his concepts. I found this book to be intriguing, informative and useful. Everyone has an addiction, everyone is wounded and we live in a codependent culture. This book helps explain our human condition and provides meaningful strategies to navigate through our journey.
Very interesting perspective on codependency. I think a foundation of the 12 step recovery process is helpful in understanding the authors world view. Believing we are Spirits having a Human experience also helps in embracing his concepts. I found this book to be intriguing, informative and useful. Everyone has an addiction, everyone is wounded and we live in a codependent culture. This book helps explain our human condition and provides meaningful strategies to navigate through our journey.
September 22, 2018
It was THIS small book that helped me draw a parallel between my damaged inner child and the codependent behaviour that destroys my relationships as an adult.
This book is short but, very intense!
Through the lessons I learned, I was able to pin point why I engage in destructive patterns and, how I can "cure" them by addressing wounds that are decades old.
Highly recommended for anyone willing to "go deep" to finally heal themselves.
This book is short but, very intense!
Through the lessons I learned, I was able to pin point why I engage in destructive patterns and, how I can "cure" them by addressing wounds that are decades old.
Highly recommended for anyone willing to "go deep" to finally heal themselves.
July 13, 2020
This book is NOT for everyone. Many will find the author's spirituality very "woo" and his writing style is at times cliche. This book also changed my life, giving me a perspective and language I did not have before that allowed me to begin healing some very deep emotional wounds from my childhood. This is a heavy read not in terms of style but in terms of content. Therefore it comes with a warning label; do not pick it up unless you are prepared to be emotionally shook for a period of time.
February 11, 2020
I would have given this four stars, but the last third of the book starts to go off in some serious tangents, including a take on the AIDS crisis that did not sit well with me at all. The first two thirds of the book represent a pretty feel good take on the topic of co-dependence.
February 7, 2019
Great book that really resonated with me. If you suffer from codependency its a must read.
June 16, 2025
You have to look past the “woo” of the writing to what the points are. My therapist recommended it for my anxiety disorders.
March 25, 2015
This is a mind-opening book for those wishing to heal from their abusive childhoods. It’s well worth the read, and is less of a “manual on how to” versus making you aware. You can seek counseling with the author afterwards to begin your healing journey as you still have to do the work! Central to this book is as children we learn to develop codependent relationships with our abusive parents or guardians, which we seek to replicate in our later adult lives until we find resolution (healing). This codependence is an emotional and behavioral defense system adopted by our ego minds to address our need to physically survive as a child; which is wholly inappropriate for our adult lives and intimate relationships.
These emotional responses somehow fail to progress because ego reprogramming (healing) invariably does not occur in our lives i.e. healthy role models and relationships, rights of passage or initiation, counseling / grieving. This means as an adult we keep reacting to our childhood emotional programming (wounded child), whilst acting out our inner critical parent voice i.e. a conceptual aspect of our ego minds which mimics our parent(s) which is critical, blaming, shaming.
The shocking revelation between this book’s theme on codependence and healing, and another I’ve recently read (When the Past Is Present: Healing the Emotional Wounds that Sabotage our Relationships; David Ricco), is that we are attracted to and attract to us (soul mates…) people who feel familiar and will repeat our childhood emotional dynamics. That is a partner who will "push our buttons" and repeat our patterns of abuse, abandonment, betrayal, and/or love deprivation. Ironically, we do this until we awaken to our need to heal, which was why we subconsciously sought out that partner in the first place.
The process of Recovery teaches a number of things; firstly we are encouraged to develop a loving and participatory relationship with the little child we abandoned (we begin to love ourselves), whilst at the same time setting healthy boundaries with our partners and ourselves. In this regard its helpful seeing people as a combination of perfect spiritual beings (which we all are) and their emotionally driven behaviors. In so doing we can come to accept and forgive, and ultimately show loving-kindness and compassion toward ourselves and our partners, whilst at the same time we can work to transform our own emotionally driven behaviors (do the grieving work). Great if both partners can do this together.
A chord that struck me, which is pivotal to the healing process is our need to feel unconditionally loved by our higher source; but this will not come easily to most I feel (experiential or cognitive). I came to this book just after the 2014 winter solstice where I had just experienced a Unity state of consciousness using Ritual Meditation™ (in sensory silence, conducted at sacred time, under the influence of hallucinogens). Here I experienced Universal Consciousness (God) from the dimension of Unity, bathed in bliss-love-awareness for an eternity, as I watched the universe born and evolve its mission. I now have indelibly emblazoned in my mind the irrefutable fact that I have always been and always will be loved by Universal Consciousness - as we all are; that somehow grounds and rebalances you and renders your entire anger mute. If you read this book, and wish to know more about how to experientially access this eternal love then please connect with my blogs at www.carltonbrownv47.com; my link text
Thanks Robert Burney for writing this book.
These emotional responses somehow fail to progress because ego reprogramming (healing) invariably does not occur in our lives i.e. healthy role models and relationships, rights of passage or initiation, counseling / grieving. This means as an adult we keep reacting to our childhood emotional programming (wounded child), whilst acting out our inner critical parent voice i.e. a conceptual aspect of our ego minds which mimics our parent(s) which is critical, blaming, shaming.
The shocking revelation between this book’s theme on codependence and healing, and another I’ve recently read (When the Past Is Present: Healing the Emotional Wounds that Sabotage our Relationships; David Ricco), is that we are attracted to and attract to us (soul mates…) people who feel familiar and will repeat our childhood emotional dynamics. That is a partner who will "push our buttons" and repeat our patterns of abuse, abandonment, betrayal, and/or love deprivation. Ironically, we do this until we awaken to our need to heal, which was why we subconsciously sought out that partner in the first place.
The process of Recovery teaches a number of things; firstly we are encouraged to develop a loving and participatory relationship with the little child we abandoned (we begin to love ourselves), whilst at the same time setting healthy boundaries with our partners and ourselves. In this regard its helpful seeing people as a combination of perfect spiritual beings (which we all are) and their emotionally driven behaviors. In so doing we can come to accept and forgive, and ultimately show loving-kindness and compassion toward ourselves and our partners, whilst at the same time we can work to transform our own emotionally driven behaviors (do the grieving work). Great if both partners can do this together.
A chord that struck me, which is pivotal to the healing process is our need to feel unconditionally loved by our higher source; but this will not come easily to most I feel (experiential or cognitive). I came to this book just after the 2014 winter solstice where I had just experienced a Unity state of consciousness using Ritual Meditation™ (in sensory silence, conducted at sacred time, under the influence of hallucinogens). Here I experienced Universal Consciousness (God) from the dimension of Unity, bathed in bliss-love-awareness for an eternity, as I watched the universe born and evolve its mission. I now have indelibly emblazoned in my mind the irrefutable fact that I have always been and always will be loved by Universal Consciousness - as we all are; that somehow grounds and rebalances you and renders your entire anger mute. If you read this book, and wish to know more about how to experientially access this eternal love then please connect with my blogs at www.carltonbrownv47.com; my link text
Thanks Robert Burney for writing this book.
September 10, 2015
Yeah, so there were some solid insights into codependance, it's roots and how it's negative thinking persists and impacts lives. Good stuff, glad I read it & took notes. That solid content is why I'm upgrading from 2 to 3 stars.
why 2 stars to start with?
I'm a flaming liberal.
And I'm a big fan of 'Conversations with God' so I'm familiar with many of the spiritual concepts Burney touches on like that we're spiritual beings having a human experience.
...that being said this book was WAY too Woo for me. In my notes I wrote 'chapter5: wherein Burney takes a dump on every religion'. I feel there were reasonable points in it, but the casual nature with which he dismisses christianity's Paul as a codependant-hack and that Buhhism's beliefs are BS just seemed so out of the blue, aggressive, and unfounded. Like a drive-by dismissal that nobody could disagree with. Later in the book the relateable AA-ish wording about trusting your higher power escalates to discussions of 'vibrational frequencies' and I'm just wondering how anybody but the patchouliest hippie could follow it.
why 2 stars to start with?
I'm a flaming liberal.
And I'm a big fan of 'Conversations with God' so I'm familiar with many of the spiritual concepts Burney touches on like that we're spiritual beings having a human experience.
...that being said this book was WAY too Woo for me. In my notes I wrote 'chapter5: wherein Burney takes a dump on every religion'. I feel there were reasonable points in it, but the casual nature with which he dismisses christianity's Paul as a codependant-hack and that Buhhism's beliefs are BS just seemed so out of the blue, aggressive, and unfounded. Like a drive-by dismissal that nobody could disagree with. Later in the book the relateable AA-ish wording about trusting your higher power escalates to discussions of 'vibrational frequencies' and I'm just wondering how anybody but the patchouliest hippie could follow it.
June 29, 2019
Loved the first half of the book! But, after the section where the book says that *Free Will is an illusion*, the book lost me. Exercising Free Will (learning what it means, how it works, how to use it as part of our power for good in the world) is something I hold very dear to my own life journey. I believe part of our purpose in life is to learn how to use our Free Will judiciously and in harmony with love. I also don’t believe in past lives. Past lives are an excuse, a distraction, to avoid facing the realities of our current existence and to avoid feeling how precious this one life truly is. I do not believe that karma from our own past lives influences our experience in this life.
June 1, 2015
This is a quick and easy read, which is relevant and valuable beyond it's theme of addiction.
It popped into my world at divine timing to remind and make me aware of a few things that needed my conscious presence and attention.
I appreciate the honest, open, straightforward communication, even if the writing style is probably a bit sloppy, it aids in getting the point across.
It popped into my world at divine timing to remind and make me aware of a few things that needed my conscious presence and attention.
I appreciate the honest, open, straightforward communication, even if the writing style is probably a bit sloppy, it aids in getting the point across.
April 28, 2014
Those who are looking for healing for their soul should read this revelation of a book.
January 17, 2017
Great book introducing co-dependency. Very well written.
Displaying 1 - 17 of 17 reviews