Toxic People: 10 Ways Of Dealing With People Who Make Your Life Miserable

by Lillian Glass

Some people really can make you sick! Is there anyone in your life-a relative, boss, friend, even a lover or spouse-who drives you crazy? Are there people who make you feel inadequate, unworthy, or just plain miserable? If there's someone who is not supportive and does not wish you well, then you've got a "toxic" person in your life. Do you recognize any of these toxic terrors? -The opportunistic user -The control freak -The meddler -The arrogant know-it-all -The me, myself, and I narcissist -The instigator -The emotional refrigerator -The liar Dr. Glass not only helps you identify the "toxic" people in your life, she also provides ten techniques for successfully dealing with them, including: -Tension-blowout -Unplugging -Direct confrontation -Humor

Genres: Self Help, Psychology, Nonfiction, Relationships, Leadership

288 pages, Paperback

First published May 1, 1995

About the author

Dr. Lillian Glass is an international communication and body language expert, media commentator and author of a dozen books, including Toxic People, He Says She Says, and a body language book, I Know What You're Thinking. She has a monthly body language column in Cosmopolitan Magazine. She also is actively involved as a jury consultant.

Reviews

[Carrie Allen · Rating 1 out of 5]

This book has a few good points, but overall, lots of it just seems...silly. The "Give Em Hell and Yell" technique. Really!? If lots of these techniques for dealing with toxic people were actually utilized, I think lots of people would end up in jail or unemployed. There are a few useful bits of advice and some techniques that can be adjusted to be user friendly, but overall, this was a super difficult book to wade through and I spent way too much time on it. I was disappointed.

[ΑνναΦ · Rating 3 out of 5]

Mi sono divertita moltissimo a leggere questo libricino di self – help, anche se l'argomento trattato è piuttosto serio: come liberare la nostra vita da persone tossiche (Toxic Persons è il titolo inglese), potenzialmente negative per il nostro benessere psicofisico. La Glass, una psicoterapeuta, oltre a metterci in guardia sui pericoli anche seri, per la salute psichica e fisica, che sottostare passivamente a certi atteggiamenti tossici può causare, nel tempo, ci fornisce ampio campionario – vere schede tipologiche – di trenta (nientedimeno) “tipologie pestifere”, connotando ciascuna in maniera divertente e schematica:

I Critici Distruttivi
I Logorroici
Gli Autodistruttori
I Fuggitivi
Le Acque Chete
I Pettegoli
I Pugili Arrabbiati
Le Piaghe
I traditori Sorridenti
Gli inetti impauriti
Gli sfruttatori opportunisti
I prepotenti
I giovialoni
Le Frane
I casi mentali
I bugiardi
Gli impiccioni
Gli avari
I fanatici
I Narcisisti
I profittatori dolciastri
I perfetti
Gli snob
I concorrenti nati
I controllori fanatici
I Pubblici accusatori
I saccenti arroganti
Congelatori emotivi
I Paranoici scettici
Gli istigatori

Come dicevo, ciascuno è descritto in maniera molto divertente e precisa (mentre carrellate di persone scorrono davanti ai nostri occhi, nel tentativo di classificarle in uno o nell'altro gruppo e nel dubbio che facciano parte di diversi, come in realtà spesso capita per ammisssione dell'autrice, timorosi di trovarci noi stessi in qualche gruppo, può essere anche un divertente gioco di società, ora che ci penso), es, prendiamo il Primo gruppo, i critici Distruttori:

“Si fanno – a pezzi – un sacco di amici; le auto non fanno tante vittime quanto loro; sono l'anima (nera) della compagnia; hanno una lingua così tagliente che potrebbero tosare una siepe. Il critico distruttivo è arrogante, meschino, sprezzante, petulante, astioso, ipocrita, condiscendente, superbo, insicuro, offensivo, critico, sarcastico, irrispettoso, infido e accusatorio. Hanno talmente poca stima di sé che troveranno da ridire su voi e su chiunque altro. Si eccitano a disprezzare e punzecchiare gli altri...” E vai così.


La Glass ci invita a cercare di riconoscere tra queste tipologie conoscenti, parenti e tutta la nostra cerchia di conoscenze, compresi amici, colleghi, parenti vicini di casa ecc... offrendo adeguati test.

Poiché trattasi di un libro di self-help, non può mancare la parte in cui si elargiscono consigli di tecnica di autodifesa psicologica per disinnescare tali mine umane. Sono restata felicemente sorpresa nel constatare di possedere molte di queste tattiche per istinto e di averle, fortunata, potute applicare quando mi è capitato di trovarmi di fronte certe tossicità. Alla base di questi comportamenti, la Glass rileve sempre due elementi: mancanza di autostima e senso di profonda inadeguatezza, da qui varie gamme di sentimenti (rabbia, gelosia, inadeguatezza, frustrazione ecc...) che si traducono in comportamenti altamente tossici per gli altri (ma anche per chi li prova).


All'autrice ( e a noi lettori) non interessa disquisire sul Male (è ontologico? Ci sono persone malvage di natura? Lo diventano per il loro vissuto, e perchè alcune sì e altre no?). A lei e a noi interessa schiacciare le zanzare!

Il libricino, dunque, è interessante perché pone l'attenzione su atteggiamenti distruttivi che prima o poi capitano nelle vite di ciascuno, vuoi in famiglia, al lavoro, nel campo delle amicizie o delle semplici obbligate frequentazioni. Avendo a che fare con persone a noi dissimili tanto da esserci nocive, tutti sono d'accordo che la miglior cosa da fare sia tagliare ponti e rapporti, ma non avendo talvolta la possibilità di farlo e/o non avendo un carattere adeguatamente antimina, perché non ricorrere a qualche buon consiglio professionale? Elargito facendo anche ridere, peraltro.

Io per mia parte, posso dire di esser stata talmente fortunata da aver già incontrato diverse “persone tossiche”, disinnescate in maniera un po' tranchant ma molto efficace, grazie la mio carattere sarcastico, alla bisogna, e affatto vittimistico ma piuttosto reattivo: un gesto (girare i tacchi) e una parola (dieci lettere). Resta sempre la miglior soluzione.

[Tania · Rating 2 out of 5]

I liked some things in the book. She is very clear that one can never resort to violence in dealing with a toxic person. Her earnestness around creating a more peaceful world is admirable. Even though I'd have liked a bit more depth of analysis, I agree with her argument that people who behave in a toxic manner are generally insecure. I liked how she took the ten techniques and showed the best people to use them with, depending on either the type of person they are, or their role in the reader's life. I particularly liked her work on dealing with the anger and hurt of a toxic relationship and the chapter or revitalizing a toxic relationship. The parts of the book I did like, however, suffered from the same simplicity as the rest of the book.

That said, overall I thought the book was a waste of my money. I could easily have taken it out of the library, read it in a day and returned it. Nothing in the book really stuck with me. The techniques she suggested have been described in better detail by other authors. I will concede that some of these strategies do work. I thought she advocated just cutting people out of one's life far too easily and frequently. Alot of the book seemed very judgemental, and Glass came across as condescending in parts.

The book is full of broad generalizations. Her descriptions of the 30 different types are far too short. As a result, I could make anyone fit into the category of a toxic person based on the way she's described them. The fact that a person is annoying doesn't make them toxic.

In general, there are other books on the market that are far better at helping readers cope with difficult people. I wouldn't put this one first on my list.

[J. · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was an excellent read. It helped me to eventually become good friends with someone I viewed as an enemy. Now he's one of my oldest and best friends. Maturity I guess.

[Dae · Rating 2 out of 5]

While I found aspects of this book helpful, I found Dr. Glass' blatant shallowness a turn off at times. The whole section pertaining to how a person's looks/appearance being contributory to being toxic was downright irritating as I feel the focus ought to be on an individual's behavior and not what they look like. I also felt that the piece on "Mental Cases" was rather offensive as labeling anyone with a mental illness further perpetuates the stigma that people with mental illness are forced to face in society. Way to go on that one Dr. Glass...

All in all, the coping exercises were useful and some of the anecdotes were amusing but I would never deign to say this woman is an expert on the subject of dealing with difficult people. This book merely promotes intolerance and the labeling of people and, in some instances, shows that if you throw a big enough tantrum you're rewarded for petulant behavior (the airline story). This, in my opinion, is toxic behavior and Dr. Glass is likely a toxic person herself.

[Tori · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is THE guidebook to human relationships. It will give you the insight you need to determine who your friends truly are. It also give you the courage to eliminate the dead-weight "friends" and family in your life, and get you on a path to a much happier, more relaxed you.

[Glevia Sandy-Smith · Rating 2 out of 5]

Based on the book everyone is toxic. It was too superficial and opinionated.

[Caroline · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a great book for all walks of life. I read it because I dealt with a bad job situation and was looking for some more objective feedback... rather than- deal with it. This book is actually really funny as well as instructive and helpful. Anybody interested in learning about their own as well as others' personality types (which make you in particular cringe), read this book!

[Tiffany · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book helped me make some life decisions. I was also able to learn some toxic behaviors that I might exhibit. The book just made me really aware of the types of people you encounter through life and how to deal with them. It seems like I always have problems with the same kinds of toxic people, now I know how to handle them.

[Catheryn · Rating 2 out of 5]

This book could be broken down to a quote by my professor: There will only be two types of people in your life: those that make your life easy and those that make it more difficult.

I don't have people in my life who are difficult aka: toxic. I'm happy. When they do appear, it takes me a New York minute to delete them from my life. I simply do not engage.

[Hengameh Sadeghi · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is one of the most beautiful books I’ve ever read. It shows different aspects of toxic people’behaviour and it suggests solutions to deal with them. On the other hand, we are surrounded by different people in our life, especially when we meet new people, it helps us to see a clear picture of them. I highly recommend this book.

[Vanessa · Rating 1 out of 5]

This book had a good listing of all the different types of toxic people, I could have put names by the different types. But in the end this was the only good part. The "solutions" for dealing with these people weren't realistic or just wouldn't work for me.

[Brittany · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a great book. My Aunt told me about it. It has really helped me realize why certain people are toxic to me, and how to deal with them. 5 STARS!

[Michelle · Rating 4 out of 5]

A book written about my brother!!!!!

[Jackie · Rating 1 out of 5]

Wasn't much in there above the usual common sense. I had hoped there would be more tips/techniques

[Janette Hansen · Rating 1 out of 5]

I had a hard time reading it, good information but I'm too close to the subject and find it difficult.

[Maya Drias · Rating 2 out of 5]

ce livre a bien débuté , on apprend à comprendre comment détecter les personnes toxiques dans notre entourage , mais pour les solutions c'est un vrai désastre! donner comme conseil de se moquer de sois-même et de se dénigrer devant tout le monde et devant notre intimidateur , de lancer des blagues sur nous-mêmes pour avoir l'air sympa et gagner en popularité est le pire conseil que j'ai jamais entendu!
plusieurs réponses sont carrément proposées prêtes à utiliser pour apprendre à insulter les gens et les rabaisser !!! ce livre nous conseille de hurler après les gens et d'imaginer qu'ils brûlent ? ( solution fantasme ! ) il y a de bons points mais je ne suis pas convaincue par la plus grande partie .
c'est la lecture idéale si vous voulez être le champion des conflits , perdre votre emploi , divorcer , perdre tous vos amis et voisins en ayant un comportement destructeur , autodestructeur et toxique , puis vivre seul dans une grotte loin du monde!
j'avoue que j'ai une personne en particulier dans mon milieu de travail qui a coché toutes les cases de caractéristiques mentionnées dans ce livre mais je cherchais plutôt des solutions intelligentes , calme et sages et des techniques rationnelles pour apprendre à maîtriser mes émotions et atténuer la colère , comment ça se fait qu'il y a des personnes qui trouvent tout le monde toxiques et d'autres qui s'adaptent avec toutes les personnalités ?
C'est précisément la manière d'acquérir cette compétence que je cherchais en commençant ma lecture.

[Will Saunders · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is an incredible book that I recommend for everybody. It addresses "toxic" people and how to handle them. The key take-a-way is that most of these people are not always toxic and it's not the case that everything about them is toxic; it's just that some aspect of their behaviors can cause us distress or their relationship with us can cause us distress. But, we may also encounter some people who are always this way in our interactions with them. In some cases, all we need to do is eliminate these people from our lives. But there are occasions that require us to deal with them. This book addresses how to deal with those situations, or rather, it addresses how we should cope with those situations. Everyone should buy this book. You’ll begin to see those difficult people differently, and you may even begin to secretly chuckle at them rather than become incensed at their predictable, destructive behavior. This book is money well spent. If you don’t want to buy it, go borrow it from your public library, but I am sure after you read it you will want to own it. You shall be referring to it for years to come.

[Chris Cassleman · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book was really helpful to me. If you have ever had or currently have a toxic person in your life, this book is for you. I was in a toxic situation with a toxic person and this book was my therapy. It really helped me to understand the particular toxic person that was in my life. It provides you with stratagies with how to deal with toxic people. Glass provides you with the different types of toxic people so you can see who exactly you're dealing with. I like that she is objective about the toxic situation making you consider your own actions and your role rather than just piling on the other person in a one-sided manner.

[Deirdre · Rating 4 out of 5]

An interesting look at the various ways people make each other's lives difficult. Yes it's quite generalised and simplistic in parts (and sometimes the "I know famous people" authorial stance is a little wearing). However I found it an interesting read and well worth a look over.

It would be most useful to people writing interesting villans in stories. Some of the ways in which people annoy others were good and also the idea of one person's villan being another persons friend was also an interesting point, particularly for writers.

Overall, amusing but very general, probably most useful for writers.

[Stacey · Rating 4 out of 5]

I am only about about 75 pages into this book, but Glass has already had me identify several people in my life who are currently toxic to me. I'm looking forward to the part where she teaches me how to deal with and/or eliminate those people. Her analyses of people is spot on, I was going to dog-ear the pages of the book that are of special interest to me, but I find myself dog-earing nearly every page!

I don't usually read "self-help" books, this may even be the first one I've gotten past the first few pages of, but I am really enjoying this book.

[Emily Yost · Rating 2 out of 5]

I found this book rather silly and unrealistic, overall.

[Justyna · Rating 2 out of 5]

No cóż, nie da się ukryć, że nieźle się przy tej książce ubawiłam. Problem w tym, ze chyba nie powinnam była... Pani Lillian próbuje tu bowiem doradzić w bardzo poważnych sprawach. Jej rady chyba się jednak lekko zdezaktualizowały* (a może nigdy po prostu nie były dobre...). Nieogarnięty tłumacz (tłumaczka?) też średnio pomógł i wyszło jak wyszło.

Czytelnik dzięki tej pozycji ma się głównie nauczyć rozpoznawania i radzenie sobie z tzw. toksycznymi osobami. Autorka przedstawia więc aż 30 różnych toksycznych osobowości (w których można odnaleźć siebie lub swoich znajomych) i różne techniki radzenia sobie z nimi. Jeśli chodzi o podział, to za toksyka możesz w sumie uznać każdą osobę, której zachowanie choć trochę cię irytuje, jak również te osoby których wygląd (!) nie do końca ci odpowiada. W Inwentarzu Toksycznego Wizerunku (pozdrowienia dla tłumacza...) możemy znaleźć bowiem takie elementy jak:
- noszenie ubrań z włókien sztucznych
- ubieranie się niezgodnie z obowiązującą modą
- posiadanie suchych, matowych włosów z rozdwojonymi końcówkami
- posiadanie włosków na podbródku (kobiety) lub zmierzwionych brwi
- posiadanie wyprysków, śladów po ospie, brzydko wyglądających pieprzyków i znamion oraz zębów, które są "nierówno rozmieszczone"
- mówienie gwarą lub z akcentem utrudniającym rozumienie
- zbyt częste mruganie oraz mrużenie oczu
Niedopuszczalne jest też otwieranie ust podczas słuchania, "tępy wyraz twarzy", chrypka, jąkanie się, seplenienie oraz unoszenie brwi i "otwieranie szeroko oczu, co nadaje wyraz niedowierzania lub lęku". No i oczywiście wiele, wiele innych.
Jeśli odnalazłeś już w innych (lub sobie) osobę toksyczną, a wierzę, że tak, możemy przejść do sposobów radzenia sobie z nimi (sobą samym). Na wszystkich działa technika odcięcia, czyli po prostu olewasz gościa i spokój (przerażające jest jak często i w jakich sytuacjach autorka ją zaleca). Natomiast moja ulubiona metoda to technika humoru, czyli na głupie zagrywki odpowiadasz żarcikiem i tutaj kilka propozycji od autorki (z tłumaczem do pomocy robią tu świetną robotę).** Możesz odpowiedzieć np.
- Czy jesteś owocem małżeństwa między kuzynami?
- Dlaczego nie odejdziesz stąd i nie pójdziesz do zoo? Tam nie rzucałbyś się tak w oczy.
- Masz wspaniałą osobowość, tyle że niezbyt odpowiednią dla człowieka.
- Masz swój styl - styl żałośliwy.
Autorka radzi: "Naucz się ich na pamięć, abyś mógł z nich skorzystać w każdej chwili.". Do roboty zatem!
Inna technika to "wrzask i raban", co ma wyglądać np. w ten sposób: "Stań w rozkroku, napnij mięśnie brzucha i ryknij z całych sił (...). Dorzuć też parę przekleństw, by przekonać ich, że naprawdę jesteś wściekły". Możesz też wywalić komuś zawartość kosza na śmieci na głowę (i nazwać go śmieciem, tak dla spójności). Ale uważaj! Jeśli jesteś sekretarką, która od wielu lat znosiła upokorzenia szefa i w końcu rzucisz mu dokumenty na biurko, krzykniesz, że masz go gdzieś i odejdziesz z firmy jesteś osobą toksyczną i sztandarowym przykładem "Drzemiącego Wulkanu". Tak więc granica jest cienka, trzeba uważać, zwłaszcza, że ja nie bardzo się zorientowałam gdzie przebiega...
Podobnie, kiedy upokorzy cię stewardessa (niesłusznie zakładając, że masz nieważny bilet dla kota), musisz najpierw wydrzeć się na nią przy wszystkich, przyjąć przeprosiny pilota i przesiąść się do pierwszej klasy, po czym napisać skargę do linii lotniczych, przyjąć oficjalne pisemne przeprosiny od właściciela, więcej biletów pierwszej klasy i dożywotni bezpłatny przewóz dla kota. Wtedy "sprawiedliwości stanie się zadość" i możesz dalej żyć spokojnie, ze świadomością, że wiesz, jak radzić sobie z toksycznymi ludźmi.
Technik jest jeszcze wiele, wszystkie świetne, ale ponieważ już ujawniam swoją toksyczną naturę jako Katarynka, skrócę wywód i na koniec przytoczę tylko szybko metodę fantazji zastępczych, którą autorka przedstawia m.in. tak: "Użyj swej wściekłości, snując najbardziej potworne fantazje zastępcze, w których poddajesz ich najwymyślniejszym torturom.".

Tak więc, tak... Książka rozśmieszyła mnie bardziej niż dwie poprzednie, które przeczytałam w tym roku (a były to komedie kryminalne), ale coś czuję, że 5 gwiazdek w tej sytuacji byłoby jednak nie na miejscu...

*Mamy nu np. taki cytat: "Telewizja co dzień pokazuje nam gwałcicieli, transwestytów, dzieciobójczynie, a nawet chronicznych masturbatorów."
**Ok, przyznaję, że "Nigdy nie zapominam twarzy, ale dla ciebie zrobię wyjątek", było całkiem spoko.

[The Bookish · Rating 5 out of 5]

La personne toxique peut être n'importe quelle personne ! Soit l'un des parents, un ami, un cousin, un enseignant.... Etc
Cette personne vous incite de faire des trucs que vous détester, elle essaye de vous mettre dans le pétrin pour assurer ses désirs ! Elle s'en fou totalement de vos désirs parceque elle est totalement égoïste.
Cette personne peut être identifier par ses défauts :
1- Septique.
2- Paranoïaque.
3- Hypocrite.
4- Mesquine.
5- injurieuse
6- Fourbe.
7- Sadique parfois.
8- violente.
9- négative.
10- Narcissique.
11- Contrôlant.
12- raciste.
13- Égoïste.
14- Dominante.

Si vous tomberez sur ses personnes là vous devez fuir le plus tôt possible, vous devez immédiatement couper les ponts qui mènent à eux . Soyez sûr de ne pas éprouver des sentiments toxiques amer dans votre bouche.

[Gloo The third · Rating 3 out of 5]

As interesting as this book really was, sometimes the author is showing strange vibes. I get that you have to be careful to act serious and when to look for the fault in your and when in other people but seriously: Not everything the author said in this book is to take at face value.

Also the many lists in this book, while they were surely interesting and at times helpful, were just entirely too long. Put them at the beginning or the end, so the interested parties can look them up but otherwise they are just interrupting the reading flow.

[Marie · Rating 2 out of 5]

Mixed feelings about this book.
The author is well structured and point out some few interesting things (toxic people are usually unsecure, not all but most of...; you can also be toxic so look at yourself's behavior...).
But there is a general lack of analyzis. Advices are mainly what you could call "common sense". And the chapter about how someone can be toxic just because of his/her look made me yell!
In brief : you can find some things to think about, but the book won't change your life!

[Alyssa Staley · Rating 2 out of 5]

While I appreciate what the author was doing she had too many personalities for varying degrees of toxic personalities. Listening to the audiobook it was hard to keep track of the personalities and the tactics she would suggest. On the flip side there were some great nuggets and well written sentences and passages that I paused the audio to reflect on before continuing to listen.

So take this for what it is an author trying to be specific as possible to help readers.

[Razvan Muntea · Rating 3 out of 5]

I think it has a lot of good advice, and the chapter for "Reinventing yourself" was a nice suprise.
For me it was a bit hard to go through this book. Maybe I just wasn't in the mood for so many Techniques, and be honest I skipped a couple of them :)
I see this book as something that I could go back to if I ever have a situation I don't know how to handle.

[Par- · Rating 1 out of 5]

TOXIC SHIT ALERT! Negative stars if possible.
If you want to read a toxic book, go on. The only reason I read that was because someone suggested to it many years ago and I was curious what was in this book; torturing myself and at the same time laughing my ass off of all the idiotic shits that the writer was saying in the book.

[Robin Mansfield · Rating 4 out of 5]

interesting book. may not agree with everything she has to say about toxic people and how to deal with them. but she does make you think about your own actions and reaction. my thoughts are we are all toxic to some people. this will help you recognize behaviour patterns .