I Hate You--Don't Leave Me: Third Edition: Understanding the Borderline Personality

by Jerold J. Kreisman, Hal Straus (Contributor)

The revised and expanded third edition of the bestselling guide to understanding borderline personality disorder--with advice for communicating with and helping the borderline individuals in your life.


After more than three decades as the essential guide to borderline personality disorder (BPD), the third edition of I Hate You--Don't Leave Me now reflects the most up-to-date research that has opened doors to the neurobiological, genetic, and developmental roots of the disorder, as well as connections between BPD and substance abuse, sexual abuse, post-traumatic stress syndrome, ADHD, and eating disorders.

Both pharmacological and psychotherapeutic advancements point to real hope for success in the treatment and understanding of BPD.

This expanded and revised edition is an invaluable resource for those diagnosed with BPD and their family, friends, and colleagues, as well as professionals and students in the field, and the practical tools and advice are easy to understand and use in your day-to-day interactions with the borderline individuals in your life.

Genres: Psychology, Nonfiction, Mental Health, Self Help, Mental Illness, Counselling, Health

319 pages, Paperback

First published January 1, 1989

About the author

Jerold Kreisman, M.D., is a psychiatrist and best-selling author. His books, I Hate You, Don't Leave Me, and Sometimes I Act Crazy. have been translated into several languages around the world. He is an Associate Clinical Professor at St. Louis University and has been designated a Distinguished Life Fellow of the American Psychiatric Association. He has lectured widely in both this country and abroad, and has appeared on many media programs, including The Oprah Winfrey Show.

Reviews

[Danielle · Rating 1 out of 5]

I may be in the minority here, but I hate this book. Its stance on those who deal with BPD is far from empathetic - rather, it perpetuates this myth that all people with BPD are ridiculous and potentially dangerous individuals who care only for themselves; it is also incredibly pessimistic about any good or meaningful treatment outcomes for BPD sufferers.

In the years since this was written, not only has the BPD diagnosis been given more discerningly (with many people who were once called BPD now qualifying for alternate diagnoses), but treatments such as DBT have been so successful that many people with BPD now go into long-term remission. If you or a loved one suffer from BPD, do yourselves a favour and skip this book - go read something by Linehan instead.

[quail · Rating 2 out of 5]

This book is terribly outdated. It lists homosexuality as sexual deviation, and was published before the advent of SSRIs. It also predates the current treatment for borderline personality disorder, Dialetical Behavioral Therapy. Don't bother reading this.

[Clumsy Storyteller · Rating 4 out of 5]

To sum things up:

Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is a serious mental illness marked by unstable moods, behavior, and relationships, It is one of the most common of all of the personality disorders.

Most people who have BPD suffer from:

-Problems with regulating emotions and thoughts
-Impulsive and reckless behavior
-Unstable relationships with other people

Women with BPD are more likely to have co-occurring disorders such as major depression, anxiety disorders, or eating disorders. In men, BPD is more likely to co-occur with disorders such as substance abuse or antisocial personality disorder

A borderline suffers a kind of “emotional hemophilia” they are provoked to rage uncontrollably against the people they love most. They feel helpless and empty, with an identity splintered by severe emotional contradictions. Mood changes come swiftly, explosively, carrying the borderline from the heights of joy to the depths of depression. Filled with anger one hour, calm the next

Everything looked and sounded unreal. Nothing was what it is. That’s what I wanted—to be alone with myself in another world where truth is untrue and life can hide from itself.
—From Long Day’s Journey into Night, by Eugene O’Neill

The family background of a borderline is often marked by alcoholism, depression, and emotional disturbances. A borderline childhood is frequently a desolate battlefield, scarred with the debris of indifferent, rejecting, or absent parents, emotional deprivation, and chronic abuse. Most studies have found a history of severe psychological, physical, or sexual abuse in many borderline patients. Indeed, a history of mistreatment, witness to violence, or invalidation of experience by parents or primary caregivers distinguishes borderline patients from other psychiatric patients.
These unstable relationships carry over into adolescence and adulthood, where romantic attachments are highly charged and usually short-lived. The borderline will frantically pursue a man (or woman) one day and send him packing the next. Longer romances—usually measured in weeks or months rather than years—are usually filled with turbulence and rage, wonder, and excitement.

[Rae · Rating 1 out of 5]

This book uses astonishingly stigmatizing language. It uses phrases like, "The borderline does this" and "The bordline feels this" throughout. It's the same kind of language that, for example, old-school anthropological studies (ethnographies) tend to use-it renders "the borderline" as both a monolithic type and as other. It is insulting to presume that all people with this diagnosis are the same. Borderline was originally a diagnosis for people, nearly all women, who sought mental health care but didn't get better. The mental health establishment spent years assuming the treatment failure rests with the borderlines, rather than with their own practices. This book is a part of a larger trend in mental health care by which Borderline Personality Disorder became the most stigmatized mental disorder in the DSM.

[Sandy Plants · Rating 1 out of 5]

Tl;dr this book is a pile of garbage.

This is an out-of-date book written by a sexist old man and I can’t believe this is considered among the best in BPD literature. It’s borderline hate speech. The author refers to people with bpd as “the borderline”. Incredibly dehumanizing. I actually made an entire note in my notes app dedicated to all the things I found problematic and infuriating about this book as I read it.

My biggest beef is that he portrays people with a BPD diagnosis as irrational, sociopathic, narcissistic monsters. Fuck that. What is this, 1950? That’s just not true. People with bpd are HIGHLY capable of empathy because their feelings are heightened—they feel hurt so viscerally. He stated that ‘the borderline is incapable of empathy’.........WHAT? What is this founded on??? I’m not a scientist, but even me and my high-school science courses know better than to make such an outrageous claim.

Okay, I’m going to list my grievances with this piece of shit...here goes.

The author is old and, in my opinion, a huge fucking square. He refers to deviant sexual behaviour many times. I think he even put homosexuality in that category in the earlier edition (I could be wrong, but someone else mentioned that in a review). He stated that “sexual perversions are common in people with bpd” which is like.....really? Sexual perversions? Can you elaborate? Are you the kind of person who slut shames people? Oh, you are? Oh, later in the book you basically call a patient a whore for sleeping with someone other than her husband? Cool... he talks about her hooking up with a guy as “a sleezy encounter with a man at a bar”. Sleezy??? Who are you? Is it not possible to keep your conservative, bigoted opinions to yourself in this “scientific” book?

He idealizes the “classic” family model as if it’s the only way a family should exist (man of the household with job, woman at home taking care of the home, children behaving and being quiet). I honestly think this book should come with a “make America great again” hat. He even referred to a “non-traditional family” as a “faux-family”. Again.....is this 1950? He assumes multiple times that all men date womyn (and vice versa). I guess that’s a common assumption among old, boring people, but fuck off with that shit pleeeeeeeeeease, k thx.

K, I mentioned he’s sexist, right? Why do I ask? Oh, well, every single female patient he describes in the book, he mentions their appearance and how attractive they are. One patient he describes as “could have been a model”. Sorry what does this have to do with BPD??? OH, it’s just you being a sexist bigot? Coooool!!! One client he writes about, is described as “wearing too much eye makeup” as if she’s “hiding a sadness”..............WHAT? Seriously? I don’t even know where to start.... just.....no......stop.....take this fucking book off the shelves pleeeeeeeeease.

But wait, there’s more!!!

There’s one story where he describes a womyn of colour taking a stand against racism within the hospital she’s staying in. He belittles her and tells her she’s wrong. Cool. Sorry, BPD people lack empathy? Oh, wait, no, you meant to say “I, the author of this book, lack empathy.” I could go on about this point, but I’m a white person so I can’t really attack him. All I can say is, “it’s not for you to tell someone they shouldn’t be upset.” I’m not a psychiatrist but even I KNOW you need to validate people’s feelings, not tell them they’re wrong, ESPECIALLY when you don’t know what they’re going through. That’s maybe my biggest beef with him: his lack of empathy. He mentions that bpd is commonly found in people who have a history of sexual assault and childhood trauma. Why didn’t he go into this more? Why didn’t he try to show the humanity in this diagnosis? He took the easy road and wrote bpd off as “a diagnosis for a bad person”, like the child he seems to be.

Two quotes I find HIGHLY problematic: 1) “the borderline is unable to remain friends” after a breakup AND 2) “the borderline is impossible to satisfy.” I mean, he refers to people with bpd as “the borderline”. It honestly reads like 1940s propaganda. But anyway, those statements just AREN’T true. This book is so full of fallacious statements and conjecture. Ugh...

It realllllllly pisses me off that this is still being published. It pisses me off that people in the mental health field STILL don’t understand BPD and treat it like it’s a disorder for attention seeking, manipulative sociopaths.

Not everything in this book is garbage, but 80% of it is—which voids the other 20%. Hopefully something will be written soon that actually does a good job of explaining bpd. Please don’t waste your time reading this—it only perpetuates ignorance and misinformation. Read “the body keeps the score” instead.

Honestly, fuck this book. Forever. Fuck this book forever and ever.

[Ren ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ IsBuriedInBooks · Rating 5 out of 5]

(It looks as though it’s been updated several times. I haven’t yet read the newer editions, but I’m giving it the full five. 22 March 2025)

4.5 stars - While in dire need of an update, this book gives a multitude of case studies of fictitious people who are dealing with borderline personality disorder. Many of the other reviews for this book who suffer from BPD said it made them out to negative people and one person actually said something to the effect of the book making her want to "slit her throat" and made a sarcastic joke about how borderline that made her. In my opinion, as a diagnosed borderline myself, I feel that her completely negative review with not one positive thing to say is the trait that most indicates the BPD.
So the case studies usually start out each chapter and section and then possible reasons in a person's history or upbringing for these traits are given. It touches on nature vs nurture, past trauma, abuse victims, and other possible causes. I personally felt that anyone with BPD could find something to which they can relate. The reviewer I wrote about above also said something about feeling that the book made borderlines out to be horrible people (or something of the like). In my opinion, the book depicts various traits and symptoms of this affliction; the book is about a disorder characterized by symptoms that aren't in the same category with glitter and unicorns. Sudden outbursts of rage, intense depression, eating disorders, self-destructive tendencies, turbulent relationships, and thoughts colored black or white with no gray areas would be difficult to display under rainbow colored lights with cute puppies. It's a difficult and potentially destructive disorder. Note: it's called a disorder, not a beneficial personality trait! I personally liked being able to see that I wasn't suffering through this (and making others suffer because of me) alone. While not all of it pertained exactly to my problems, much did and it felt good to validate my weaknesses so that I can (hopefully) better identify and rectify them. Give the book it's needed update and I'd give it the full five stars.

[Kali · Rating 1 out of 5]

This book does nothing to convince me that the diagnosis of BPD is coherent or particularly useful. As always, case stories that neatly dovetail with the author's point of view are included, but I found the inclusion of gratuitous diagnosis of famous (and usually beautiful) women as BPD to be highly distasteful. Both Marilyn Monroe and Princess Diana are dissected. I can see the appeal of fantasizing about offering therapy to such women, but working out those fantasies in book form is in questionable taste. Similarly, his tendency to blame progressive social structures for women's "confusion" about their identities is a marker more of his own politics than of causal factors for BPD, as is his frequent use of words like "harridan" and "harpy" to describe his female patients.

His Freudian bent is made clearer by his reliance on Christopher Lasch's Culture of Narcissism, a text in which Lasch expressed his belief that modern child-raising had interfered with the "natural" attachment of mother and child, necessary, in his mind, for a healthy culture. All case studies are cherry picked and presented in the light that the therapist chooses, and the presentation of this particular narrative is no different. Kriesman's (perhaps unconscious) racism is revealed in the story of "Annette," an African American woman whose BPD makes her "too sensitive" to perceived racist slights at her place of work. The solution is provided by the nice, white male Jewish co-worker who she so sadly misunderstood and ends, quite literally, with a round of "Kumbaya."

[Diana · Rating 1 out of 5]

While some of the information given by the book can be useful I have stopped reading at 15-20% of it as i couldn't stand the patronizing tone and the way they say borderlines do things as if they wanted to instead of sometimes being just an acquired answer. Yes, I know we can somehow learn how to deal with things and control the answer to a degree, but it doesn't always work and it is not as if the borderlines want to or enjoy it. It is like an anxious person suffers from anxiety and you can't tell them to calm the f*ck down, I don't know if I am managing to convey what I mean clearly...

[Noelle · Rating 4 out of 5]

As a mental health professional, I can say that I found this book to be among the best written to help a person better understand their spouse, friend, parent, sibling, etc. who is suffering with Borderline Personality Disorder. It helps the reader to understand how one develops the characteristics one may encounter in relationships with these individuals. A bit technical at times, but true to the criteria as indicated in the Diagnostic and Statistical manual.

[Nicol · Rating 2 out of 5]

Is this book in dire need of an update? Yes! Published in 1989, it is about time for a re-haul or at the very least a new introduction. Furthermore, whether it was published in the 1980's or now, it lacks a feminist analysis which in turn normalizes violence (and in particular intimate partner violence) and heterosexist stereotypes about women and men's behaviors and emotions. This absence proves dangerous for both individuals suffering from BPD and their family members. The authors propose generalized origins about BPD based on heterosexist notions about gender. Also, in one of the case studies, the authors describe a patient has "provoking" her husband into hitting her. Utilizing language like that to describe a patient's guilt, placing the responsibility of violence on the victim/survivor rather than the abuser. Rather than exploring how BPD patients self-destructive behaviors and possible histories of past physical abuse lead them to stay in abusive relationships, the authors circumvent those aspects with sentences like "provoking" violence and focus on substance abuse. Both are equally important. Also, the only case study that mentions race, devalues the patient's experiences. I think it is important that while dealing with patients or if you have loved ones suffering from any mental illness, not every single behavior is attributed to that original illness, especially with personality disorders. For example, in this case study a black patient expressed concern that inpatient treatment was white focused. From the short story, it was clear that the patient was avoiding dealing with her own issues to focus on the racism she felt in the hospital BUT it does not mean the racism was not there.
Besides that, the book offers case studies that trail the behavior of BPD. It is a good resource to begin to understand the erratic behavoir of people suffering from BPD. Also, the back of the book provides many resources for indiviuals and loved ones (yet another reason why the update is really needed). I probably would not reccomend the book as a whole to patients for the above mentioned reasons, but definitely copy one of the case studies.
What to take away from this book: BPD is an illness not a choice, not a weakness, or any other stereoype that confuses mental illness. Also, the authors explore how BPD was misdiagnosed for so long.
Overall, I guess I was hoping for much more from this book. I have read articles on BPD that did a much better job of explaining the disorder and how to treat it.

[Benjamin L. · Rating 1 out of 5]

I was initially going to leave this one off Goodreads, because it's on a somewhat personal topic. But it is so terrible I feel it would be a dereliction of duty to let it pass. I honestly gave up on this book early and hate-read the rest, so I guess you could say I still enjoyed it. That said, if you or a loved one are suffering from BPD and you are genuinely looking to learn more to help contextualise/cope, please do not buy this particular book.

Because this book was awful. It was astoundingly awful in almost every single conceivable way. The Spelling and Grammar editing wasn't awful, actually, but that's about all that wasn't utter trash. Shelving in 'Political Fiction' because honestly my Science shelf is too good for this trash and although the 'quantitative' science is accurate when reporting raw figures, the interpretation of the science is seemingly politically motivated fiction.

I am incredibly thankful I have an educational background in this topic, so it was very easy for me to spot the problems. I picked this up not because I thought it would be particularly new content to me, but because sometimes it can be nice to have everything put together coherently rather than having to do that myself.

Lets start with the core, and work out way outwards.

This book is largely made up of disparate anecdotes of patients that the author has either treated, or otherwise come across. In that sense it reads more like a series of case histories than a coherent attempt to discuss a common disorder, and at its worse it comes off as a series of freak shows. Rather than being from a place of compassion, empathy, or understanding this book feels like it was written as if BPD was a spectator sport. See what freak of nature Jerold heroically treated next! See how he calmly smiles and shakes his head as the harpies (his words, not mine) thrust themselves upon him! See how he wisely tells a black woman she is overreacting to systemic racism because she has BPD. In each case study mentioned the focus is on 'look how crazy this lady is', and compassion, empathy or even an attempt to understand the sociobiological causes of the behaviour are nowhere to be seen. Rather than using case studies to support a scientific understanding, build empathy, and show success in treatment, case studies are a never ending competition to one-up earlier chapters in a context of 'that's crazy!' Nowhere is this more clear than in a chapter where the author tries to diagnose famous people with BPD, especially actresses he finds beautiful or attractive. Every Hollywood actress has BPD apparently.

Most of the cut-and-dry science in this book is accurate, but the cut-and-dry science makes up only a very small portion of the book, the rest of which is filled with baseless speculation, Freudian psychoanalysis, just-so stories, and random anecdotes. My edition boasted being completely revised and updated, and while that was true of many of the minor, obvious statistical facts - EG, we get an recent estimated prevalence rate rather than one from the last century - all the actual interpretation, synthesis, and understanding was way back in the 80's and completely lacking any understanding of modern cognitive psychology, personality theory, or behavioural biology. For example, the claim that people suffering from BPD are incapable of empathy is straight out of 1950's research that has since been overturned. I don't want to go into the nitty-gritty scientific details here, but it seems the revision was limited to easily google-able factoids that could be looked up in an afternoon.

In fact, my favourite chapter is the chapter on medication for BPD. There was no medication when the 1st edition was published, so this is an all-new chapter -- and it's clear the author doesn't understand any of it. This chapter in particular reads like an undergraduate summary of some lecture slides, for all the insight and detail it shows. At least there is little to misrepresent.

If it wasn't already clear, this book is utterly filled with misogynistic, ageist, asides that have little to do with anything. Insinuating Snow White is a whore because she lived in a house with a bunch of men says more about how you view the world, Jerold, than it says about either Snow White or BPD. Calling a patient a whore because she had a marriage affair during a psychotic breakdown seems a little, to put it mildly, 'unhelpful.' A lot of this book feels like the author ranting and railing about whatever it is he doesn't like, and it would be hilariously out-of-touch if it wasn't so dangerous. Perhaps keep the sexist jokes out of a book meant to help patients with a mental illness that skews female? In fact, every time a female is mentioned - be it a patient, actress, or doctor - her looks are carefully deconstructed in the following sentences. Jerold, I really don't care how shapely you thought the BPD patient that was hitting on you legs' were. I really don't, and honestly, neither should you. Nor do I care about your apparent fetish-fantasy for having a famous actress come to you for treatment and fall in love with you. You can stop describing it. Please. While you are at it, please stop referring to female patients as 'harpies' and 'harridan.'

He finishes with a warning for new students of clinical psychology: They should stay away from BPD patients, who might lure them into sexual affairs. I mean, or they could do their jobs like professionals, but what do I know. Then again, Kreisman displays this particular lens of the world and causality time and time again. In one of his anecdotes, he laments on a woman who 'provoked' her husband into hitting her. He is constantly building up women with BPD as some kind of supernatural sexual other bent causing chaos for the good, family men around her.

In the opening, the author rails about how 'Political correctness' makes things harder to read, and has taken the 'bold stand' to preserve clarity by using he/him and she/her rather than they/them 'to preserve clarity' - and then goes on to treat them as interchangeable, swapping pronouns mid-paragraph, sometimes mid-sentence. A consistent they/them would have been a much better choice 'to preserve clarity.'

And here is where the major components of political fiction come in: In his analysis Kreisman pins the increasing numbers of of BPD diagnoses, not on better/more widely available MH services but on... the moral degeneracy of society since the 1950s, and the breakdown of the nuclear family into 'faux-families' (his term) and sexual deviancy (which, Kreisman explicitly states, includes homosexuality). In such a world full of moral decay, young women lack a firm guiding hand and thus develop BPD - this is Kreisman hypothesis. This is not the place to go into why that particular brand of social analysis is little more than right-wing fetishism of the 50s and conspiracy-grade nonsense, but I at least wanted to point it out.

[George · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book is about people with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), who experience violent mood swings, which interfere with their leading a normal life. The symptoms are: •A shaky sense of identity, •Sudden violent outbursts, •Severe mood shifts, •Oversensitivity to real or imagined rejection, •Brief, turbulent love affairs, •Frequent periods of intense depression, •Eating disorders, drug or alcohol abuse, and other self-destructive tendencies, •An irrational fear of abandonment and an inability to be alone, •Chronic feelings of emptiness or boredom, •Unstable and intense interpersonal relationships, •Frequent and inappropriate displays of anger. (more detail on pp. 27-41) The authors claim that someone with four or five of these symptoms would be classified as a person with BPD. I thought it was an excellent book and it tied in nicely to “Becoming Attached.” The authors mention, in several places, the connection between insecure (anxious) attachment and BPD. I liked the description of personality as a series of intersecting lines, on page 91. Also, the Chapter on “Communicating With the Borderline” using SET – Support, Empathy, Truth, was especially good! The flow was interrupted by the section on “Comparisons to Other Disorders,” which I would have put in an Appendix. I would highly recommend this book to anyone interested in BPD.

[Cori · Rating 4 out of 5]

To date, possibly the best book on BPD I've read. I wish I would have read this starting out in my psych career as it took me far too long to learn even a remotely significant amount of knowledge about this disorder and how to respond to it.

I've read some reviews where people absolutely lost their minds about some of the info this book had to offer. For example, this book points out that those with sexual trauma and BPD have a higher likelihood of dealing with gender dysphoria. Fact. 100% fact. I can't agree with that enough. But some readers did not take kindly to that fact, so absolutely trashed some editions of this book. Also, the book specifically states in the forward that due to limitations in how many times they can say "individuals suffering from the myriad of symptoms and maladies stemming from a diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder" they felt it was a wiser use of ink and paper to say "the borderline." (Yes, I'm paraphrasing, but point stands.) Apparently a valid precursor to why they chose to do this wasn't enough. Again, people lost their minds over this "insensitive choice."

So take it from someone who's been working an inpatient psychiatric unit for going on 12 years and wishes they had read this book when they started out, everything in it is spot on. Read it with absolute confidence in the author's knowledge of the subject matter. They're good.

The SET-UP communication format was INCREDIBLY helpful, and I'll use it frequently moving forward.

I'd rate this a PG.

[Sophia Gourgiotis · Rating 2 out of 5]

I read this book after watching the series “Crazy Ex Girlfriend”. I was curious about the main character’s mental illness and wanted to know more. This book was highly recommended to me (via the internet).

While I learned a lot from the book I have major problems with some of the gendered terminology and examples. Also, the consistent use of gendered pronouns (particularly “he/his”) was distracting and rather annoying. The authors mention the usage of pronouns in the preface but state that despite the request for change they were going to keep them for clarity purposes — I call bullshit on that.

My largest issue with the book, however, was the chapter(s) about childhood and society (nature vs nurture). The book seems very outdated in these chapters and lean toward blaming women for the rise of BPD. The authors seem to blame women for this because women went from being caregivers to working women. They argue that the shift in our societal gendered roles has influenced a rise of abuse, neglect, etc. which the authors seem to blame women (or mothers). “Though women have struggled successfully to achieve increased social and career options, they may have had to pay an exacting price in the process: excruciating life decisions about career, families, and children; strain on their relationships with their children and husband...From this perspective, it is understandable that women should be more closely associated with BPD...(chapter four)”

The book blames women too much which is frustrating and the book also neglects to include LGBT families, though I’m confident if the authors included LGBT families they would blame all issues on them (insert eye role). The book was published (revised) in 2010 — it shouldn’t be this outdate imo.

[Meonicorn (The Bookish Land)]

reason why it's on my "not-to-read" shelf: extremely stigmatizing language towards mental illness, suggesting women tend to more have BPD with ridiculous reasons.

[Bonnie · Rating 3 out of 5]

This was an interesting read, but the main reason I read it was for research purposes. I have since learned that one of the characters in my book actually has a case of "The Double Bind" personality. Which is why I read The Double Bind by Chris Bohjalian; an enjoyable read, but again, not relevant to my research. The places research can take you! :)

[Ash · Rating 4 out of 5]

Great book, very helpful information.

[ياسمين Thabet · Rating 3 out of 5]

ماهي معايير الشخصية الحدية..يتوفر فيها خمسة علي الاقل من السمات التسعة:
1- محاولات محمومة لتجنب الهجر الحقيقي او المتخيل
2- عدم استقرار العلاقات الشخصية الحميمية وغيرها
3- افتقاد مفهوم واضح للهوية
4- السلوكيات الاندفاعية المدمرة للذات (مخدرات – جنس – اسراف فالصرف – شره فالاكل – قيادة متهورة)
5- سلوك انتحاري متكرر او تلميحات او تهديدات وسلوك مؤذي للذات
6- تقلبات مزاجية حادة وردود افعال شديدة للمواقف الضاغطة
7- احساس مزمن بالفراغ والخواء الداخلي
8- ردود فعل غير مناسبة كاستجابة لمشاعر الغضب
9- افكار ارتيابية عابرة عند التعرض لضغوط شديدة

يصف هذا الكتاب كل ما هو متعلق بالشخصية الحدية وما يحيط بها وبافراد الاسرة وما يسبب المرض من طفولة مهملة وبائسة ويحكي كيف ينتحر مالا يقل عن 20% من الذين يهددون بقتل انفسهم من هذا المرض...

كنت اتمني لو هناك جزء يحكي كيفية التعامل معه من قبل المعالج ومن قبل اهل المريض ايضا لكنه للاسف اشار الي ذلك في سطور بسيطة لا ترتقي للمستوى

ايضا هناك تجني في وصف بعض السمات للشخصية الحدية انها تلعن من يفعل او لا يفعل وهذا خطأ شائع كنت اتمني ان لا يقع فيه كاتب هذا الكتاب فالشخصية الحدية لا تحتاج سوى تعاطف ومواجدة فعلا قد تكون اعتمادية في مواضع كثيرة لكنها لا تلعن صاحبها فعل ام لم يفعل
ايضا هناك بعض النصائح للتعامل مع الشخصية قد تؤدي الي عواقب وخيمة ونتيجة عكسية
فالنهاية شعرت انه كتاب غير علمي بالدرجة الكافية ولم يفيدني علي مستوى شخصي في اي شيئ بل علي العكس اصابني بالاحباط ان مثل هذا المرض مازال يُساء فهمه الي عصرنا الحالي.

لم استطع ان استمتع بالكتاب اطلاقا وشعرت باختناق شديد وانا اقرأه انتهيت منه بصعوبة

[Violet Harmon · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is the first book I read about BPD. Being a patient myself I found the personal stories of other BPDs and explanations of our conducts to be really good and felt like looking at myself in the mirror. I got a bit bored on the section about the types of psychotherapy because it was a little bit too technical for me but overall is a really good book about the disorder especially for the professionals and the people looking for different types of treatment available (at least in the USA). Must add I read the 2010 edition.

[Viviane · Rating 1 out of 5]

Some good information. Writing is outdated, sexist, and not very compassionate/empathetic. Read with a grain of salt.

[Dakota VR · Rating 1 out of 5]

This may be an unpopular opinion, but I'm going to say it:

I HATED this book!

The overall feel and tone is demeaning and dehumanizing and for a book recommended by my Doctor and Psychiatrist I found it lack the supportive feel I was expecting. Often while reading I found that there were many blanket statements made: "borderlines... (which is what people afflicted with this mental health condition were called)... can/can't/will/won't/are". Anyone familiar with how BPD is diagnosed knows that there are several combinations of factors leading to the development of BPD as well as varying symptoms (9 of them to be exact). ONLY 5 of the 9 symptoms must be present for diagnosis, thus giving blanket statements when there are dozens of possible combinations of symptoms and thus dozens of presentations/manifestations of the disorder seems to me a very bigoted and narrow-minded view.

This book goes on to then make out all BPD cases to be ones of an attention-seeking, narcissistic, irrational, etc. nature. Even saying that "the borderlines" cannot feel empathy and remain friends and are impossible to satisfy. To say this while writing a book that lacks empathy eluded me and just made me even more frustrated. He even states that BPD is most commonly caused by trauma from an early age, but alas I looked through the book for more information on this topic and found it insensitively tucked in with a dehumanizing hand amongst his case studies and that.

There is an entire series of text that speaks to the authour's belief that women in the work-force and not at home raising babies is a heightened cause of BPD and refers to families that are not male breadwinner and female housewife as "faux-families". Better still, this book was written IN THIS CENTURY!

The author mentions sexual deviance and perversions on several occasions as one of the leading impulsive behaviors of people with BPD, which while perhaps true still doesn't sit right when followed by a case study/example where he refers to this perverse behavior in the woman he speaks of as whorish and explains her encounter as “a sleezy encounter with a man at a bar”. I do not feel that these narrow-minded and demeaning comments should be included in a book that claims to be supportive and informative to the BPD community.

That being said, if you're willing to take the information for what it is and cynically maybe 25% is actually of use, the rest is unsupportive and personally I wish this book was never published in the first place. I read this book, skimming the case studies in later chapters, as it was a doctor recommendation, but I wouldn't recommend it to anyone who's trying to understand and come to terms with a diagnosis as it gives a bleak and relatively negative/narrow-minded view as to prognosis, even with therapy and medication.

To save your money and spare you the pain of this book, I would recommend instead:

"The Borderline Personality Disorder Survival Guide: Everything You Need to Know About Living with BPD" by Dr. Alex Chapman and Dr. Kim Gratz

[Randa Mashnouk · Rating 3 out of 5]

A brief knowledge of unpopular mental illnesses is sometimes required to understand people's sudden unusual behaviors, or yours. Understanding and fighting the negative feelings could lead to a much better and healthier situation than quick judgements and eventually loathing everything/everyone altogether. It's definitely not a way to diagnose people or yourself, but getting to know that such world exists—with all its symptoms and stories—could lead to a whole different and new perspective.

* "If “The Truth will set you free,” then Support and Empathy must accompany it to ensure it will be heard."

* "Much of the borderline’s dramatic behavior is related to his interminable search for something to fill the emptiness that continually haunts him."

* "Just because the sun has risen in the East for thousands of years does not mean it will happen today. He must see it for himself each and every day."

* "All these attempts to impose order and fairness on a naturally random and unfair universe endorse the borderline’s futile struggle to choose only black or white, right or wrong, good or bad. But the world is neither intrinsically fair nor exact; it is composed of subtleties that require less simplistic approaches. A healthy civilization can accept the uncomfortable ambiguities. Attempts to eradicate or ignore uncertainty tend only to encourage a borderline society."

[Katarzyna · Rating 4 out of 5]

The title is very misleading. This is a dry, informative, academic book with detailed outlook. Besides communication techniques, it doesn't offer any specific plan of recovery or self-diagnosis. For anyone interested in the subject it is an obligatory read. For anyone looking for a helpful coping strategy or plan, not so much.

[Luckngrace · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was the ONLY book I could find when searching for something to help me understand my loved one's Borderline Personality Disorder. The book is amazingly detailed, easy to understand with numerous examples and suggestions.

[Lorie Ballard · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was a very tough book to get through, because I saw so much of myself in it. If you have BPD, or you know of love someone with it...this is a good book to read. It may help you in understanding a little of what they go through.

[Rachel Harlich · Rating 2 out of 5]

Lots of good information but could certainly be less pathologizing

[sophia · Rating 2 out of 5]

to understand a disorder so well and yet not at all at the same time is truly a feat in itself. when looking at the objective, factual assets of the material, it was a good book. looking at the authors perspective on bpd and some of his comments on it? very poor. you need only mention one page where he blatantly admits to wishing his patient would go through with her threats of killing herself, so as to free him from her difficult personality. or perhaps, the page where he states that the majority of borderline individuals' emotions come from a manipulative standpoint and are rarely from the heart. shall i go on? i can, if needed. there's plenty of material to work with here.

to break down the formatting of i hate you--don't leave me, it first begins with describing the disorder and the world that the people afflicted with it go through. after about 80 or so pages of thoroughly diving into its roots and how it manifests in people, kreisman goes on to provide information about a certain style of communication designed to help people with bpd and those in high-stress situations. its called the set-up system. support, empathy, truth, understanding, and perseverance. i won't go into detail about it, as there is nothing inherently wrong about the system itself. after this chapter, kreisman continues bringing up forms of advice and information about treatment that is available for people with bpd.

as someone with borderline personality disorder, this book was very disheartening at points, more often than not. it switched between offering insight to parts of me that i hadn't understood before, to inciting nausea and disgust at the opinions of the author--a licensed psychiatrist who has treated patients, a large amount with bpd. throughout this book, i read kreisman talk about how challenging people with bpd are to treat, how "borderline" has sometimes been used as a derogatory term for difficult patients by actual mental health professionals, how people with bpd are manipulative and dangerous, how people with bpd purposely and consciously choose to victimize themselves for the hell of it, how people with bpd are fragile and sensitive, ready to snap at any second--i felt very upset. at points it almost felt like kreisman was writing about psychopaths instead of borderlines, he managed to butcher it that badly. it hurt to see myself so strongly in the people he describes, to feel a sliver of hope that maybe this book will accurately manage to represent the struggles that people with bpd go through, only to then read kreisman talk in condescending and almost degrading tones about them, offering tips on how to "deal" with them.

what was most upsetting was the fact that in the first few chapters and in the later ones describing specifically the science behind bpd, his understanding of it held very true to my own experiences. when describing the symptoms, the causes, and the neurological aspects of borderline personality disorder, this book is accurate as far as i could tell. but, its important to keep an eye out for kreisman's bias slipping through, his bias to see borderlines as manipulative, chaotic, dangerous individuals--which is utterly false. i fail to understand how someone can see the facts as they are, neutral and untainted, but twist it in their mind into something negative. we see it happen in real time as we progress through this book.

i truly had high hopes for this book, especially when considering the strong start it had. i genuinely felt understood for those first couple chapters, i felt seen and represented, i was even praising the book to multiple friends of mine. then, it all went downhill, i had to revoke my praise. i don't mean to say that this book is worthless or a piece of filth because of the authors perspective on certain aspects and his overall blurry, negative vision of bpd. i have to be really honest, i loved the majority of this book. but i cannot look past the negatives as they are so personal and insulting to me as someone with bpd.

i do believe that this book includes much learning material for those interested in bpd. if you can ignore the negatives during the reading of this book, it will be a very helpful and interesting experience, truthfully i enjoyed most of it. if a friend were interested in reading about this disorder i would bring up this book if only for the more factual chapters and their accuracy and efficiency at explaining the disorder. if i hadn't already known the majority of what was talked about from my past research into bpd, i feel i'd have gained a lot of knowledge. even considering what i already knew, i felt i learned a lot from this book. i also, unfortunately, learned that understanding a disorder is not the same thing as sympathizing with those who have it. kreisman almost seemed malicious when his opinions seeped through in his writing, far from sympathetic.

[Geh_mal_lesen · Rating 3 out of 5]

Ein sehr interessantes Buch, wenn man sich für psychische Erkrankung interessiert- vor allem für die Borderline Erkrankung. Es war eigentlich auch sehr gut geschrieben, auch für Laien verständlich, jedoch fand ich es an einigen Stellen etwas zäh. Trotzdem bin ich froh dieses Buch gelesen zu haben und es hat mir echt ganz gut gefallen. Falls ihr euch für psychische Erkrankung und vor allen die Borderline Erkrankung interessiert, kann ich dieses Buch nur weiterempfehlen. Nicht nur um euer Fachwissen zu festigen, sondern auch für Angehörige, Freunde oder Arbeitskollegen sehr interessant.

[Melinda · Rating 3 out of 5]

I recently found out an acquaintance had been diagnosed as being bi-polar. I got this book at the library, and lo and behold found out that having a "borderline personality" is a similar but not same diagnosis as "bi-polar". They are similar conditions, but evidently bi-polar or manic-depressives have swings from one extreme to the other that follow cycles. Inbetween the opposite swings, they can be fairly stable. People with borderline personality condition (BPC) live constantly in a kind of fractured reality. This book was written in 1989, and contained some remarkably apt comments on why people become borderline.

At the age of 18 months to 30 months, toddlers learn about object permanence. They learn that their mother can leave, and that she will come back. She exists even when the toddler cannot see her. Their terror when their mother leaves gradually moderates when they learn they have not been abandoned. These months are crucial in the emotional development of children, because if this window is missed or broken up, it causes damage that literally is impossible to repair. Borderline personalities are those children who because of whatever kind of physical or emotional trauma, never develop this kind of object permanence and relational stability. They never develop a healthy sense of "me" and "my mother" (or someone else), and as such remain in the pre-toddler emotional limbo of either being happy that someone is with you.... or distraught because that person has abandoned you and will never come back. From this fractured reality comes the title, "I hate you, Don't leave me".

I found out alot of fascinating things about this very dreadful condition. And even more interesting ways to prevent it. Mother's and father's? Stay married and together. Divorce puts unthinkable pressure on young children that they do not have emotional maturity to handle. So the ways their little minds react is to become fractured so as to diffuse the emotional trauma. Divorce also opens up young children to abuse by non-family members who are brought into their lives -- boyfriends, step-dads and step-brothers and step-uncles who are more likely to abuse a child who is not theirs. Thinking about daycare? Don't do it.... children who are not cared for by loving caregivers (parents) risk attachment problems and a damaged ability to create and maintain healthy relationships for the rest of their lives. Now that is something worth asking about when people consider daycare!

This is a very worthwhile book. It taught me a great deal about mental issues I knew little about. I leave with this quote, which sums up what someone with borderline personality condition lives with,
" A borderline suffers a kind of emotional hemophilia; he lacks the clotting mechanism needed to moderate his spurts of feeling. Stimulate a passion, and the borderline emotionally bleeds to death." (pg 8)

[Makmild · Rating 3 out of 5]

เอาจริงๆ นึกว่ามันจะเล่าเป็นเคสๆ แบบหนังสือจิตวิทยาที่เคยอ่านแล้วแทรกทฤษฎี แต่เล่มนี้คือหนังสือทฤษฎี 🥹 ที่มีตัวอย่างประกอบ ซึ่งน่าเบื่อมาก มันเป็นหนังสืออ้างอิงไม่ใช่หนังสืออ่านเล่น 🥲 แล้วมันก็ไม่ใช่แบบหนังสือมีงานวิจัยจ๋าๆ แต่เป็นหนังสือที่เอาไว้ให้นักเขียนเอาไว้ใส่ footnotes อีกทีนึงงะ 😅 เพราะงั้นก็อย่าคาดหวังความสนุกหรือความต่อเนื่องของเคสที่เล่า แต่อ่านไว้เป็นหนังสืออ้างอิงเอาเนอะ แต่ๆๆมันก็มีประเด็นที่เอาไปใช้ได้ทุกสถานการณ์อย่างการสื่อสารแบบ set-up เออมันดีนะ