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162 pages, Kindle Edition
First published October 12, 2021
“Maybe our desire for the past grows after the decay of our present.”
“Maybe all of our memories are tied to the memories of others.”
“In some ways, being born Chinese in America means not being born at all”
“A writer lives in an infinity of days, time without end, ploughed under.”
‘Dear Grandmother, today I found a Certificate of Marriage and a translation of it—July 26, 1939. I also know you were twenty-seven and Grandfather twenty-six. I wonder if this was considered strange at the time, you being older than him. Seeing this date makes me cry. I have tried to tie them together into a long string toward your country—you were united in matrimony at Chungking City, Szechuan Province. I wonder if yours was an arranged marriage or if you loved each other. Or both. I wonder what love looked like in China in 1939.’
‘Dear Mother,—I would like to know if your mother was afraid. She bought me bao zi, buns, every morning—the bao that steamed in small plastic bags with no ties, and sweet dou jiang, tofu milk. Always too hot for me to drink. She sat there and watched me eat, and complained to me about your brother’s wife. I still remember how the two men stared at me, as if I could move a country. Listen. It’s the wind—Sometimes if I listen closely at night—I hear the sound of the bao touching the ground and the wind trying to open the bag.’
‘I didn’t know what was wrong so each night I prayed to God, but God just gave me tomorrow. Eventually, I stopped praying because I realised that God and I did not speak the same language.’
‘It’s the bird his voice became that I now seek. I am trying to make birds out of silence. Birds that will fly away, that I will never see die.’
‘I wonder about all—those restaurants. I imagine the mother yelling chi fan, time to eat. Now,—I yearn to be around them, the way plants have companions—the way garlic plants improve the growth and flavor of the beets next to them.’
‘I’m not sure if you are still alive and, if you are, you probably don’t remember me, but that chasm between us was filled with poetry instead of misunderstanding. Instead of silence. When you shared poems with me, you were filling the space between us with language. I didn’t know what was happening at the time, but I see it now. The language of poetry reminded me to stay alive. It reminded me that, when it felt like I had nothing, I was nothing, I still had words. I could ride language as if on horseback, and it could take me anywhere, including more deeply into myself. I don’t remember what I told you when you called me—I’m sure my face was expressionless and burning. But I remember—how you smelled like perfume and joy. I still remember the way your eyes looked desperate and worried, their insistence that I step out of something. You weren’t satisfied with my silence. I remember nodding as if I was fine. I had language. And it would be the one thing that would keep returning, like light. Language felt like wanting to drown but being able to experience drowning by standing on a pier.’
‘If you saw my poems today, I hope you could see that I heard you even though you couldn’t hear me. I have tried to write shorter + shorter + denser + denser + louder + louder poems. They have become so loud that each night I fold them into origami cigarettes and smoke them so they’ll blow away. What I learned from you was to forget the sun, that the moon burned more, to cling to things that didn’t seem to leave a trace, such as memory or silence or cruelty or beauty. I couldn’t fully understand any of this then. But because of you, poetry kept on pricking me—I’m sorry there was never a till then—I’m sorry I never called—I’m sorry I wasn’t ready for all the conversations we never had.’
‘Each book isn’t just a book, but a period of a life—Sometimes that breath is mortality. Other times, that breath is history. Sometimes memory. Sometimes the moon. Oftentimes, silence. Plath said something like this too: I think that personal experience is very important, but certainly it shouldn’t be a kind of shut-box and mirror looking, narcissistic experience. I believe it should be relevant, and relevant to the larger things.’
‘Winterson wrote that the most powerful written work often masquerades as autobiography. That it offers itself as raw when in fact it is sophisticated. That it presents itself as a kind of diary when really it is an oration. I love when Winterson says that the best work speaks intimately to you even though it has been consciously made to speak intimately to thousands of others.’
‘Saying things others want to hear is easy for an immigrant’s child because, for an immigrant’s child, language is theater. We are always performing. Sometimes at night, with a persistent moon, I could see the numbers beneath my skin. I couldn’t seem to get in sync with a country. I couldn’t figure out if the country was where I buried my memories, or the ground that would bury me. Daughters, there will be some days when everyone around you looks like an executioner. There will be times when everyone sounds like you, but no one looks like you. There will be other times when everyone looks like you but no one sounds like you. It’s okay, though. Those without history are difficult to harm. Because we are always moving. Daughters, I have felt incomplete for most of my life. Please don’t follow me. What I worry most is that you have already started following me. That you are from me. You both have my freckles. What else have I passed on?’
‘I began to admire work where language enacted subject matter, not where content overwhelmed or trumped language. The poet Richard Siken said something similar: My contribution isn’t going to be the biographical facts. It will be my take on it. I think that’s true for all of us, our take on it. The paradox is that we don’t actually take anything. Writing feels a bit like trying to attach words to things that are moving, that we cannot see, and that we can never fully understand. Maybe I am staring into a piece of paper like it is a pond, hoping one day that what looks back is not my own reflection, but my great-grandmother’s face. Maybe poetry is the distance between my face and her face. Maybe it’s the difference between how the moon looks in the sky and how it contorts when a mayfly travels across the pond.’
‘In Minor Feelings, Cathy Park Hong writes about the book and film Crazy Rich Asians: If you discriminate against us, we’ll make more money than you and buy your fancy hotel that wouldn’t let us in. Capitalism as retribution for racism. But isn’t that how whiteness recruits us? Whether it’s through retribution or indebtedness, who are we when we become better than them in a system that destroyed us?’
‘Staying silent was following in my mother’s footsteps. But by telling you, I risked adversely shaping your views of the world—as an unfair one—one where we would be victims. Do you know how astonished I was that so much had changed but so much hadn’t? If I don’t know how to protect myself, how can I protect you? I know that even though I was born on this land, in a small hospital in Detroit, Michigan, that my sun is still brittle. That if my sun even exists, it is behind all the other suns and emits radio static. I promise not to pass handfuls of hate into your hands. I promise to teach you how to be the bird and the beak. And the sky with many other birds.’
‘Sometimes I think it would be easier if grief were no longer blurred. If I could just ride it like a horse. When I look at you, I imagine myself inside your head, looking out at me, something that is not you, but of you. H Is for Hawk by Helen Macdonald: The archaeology of grief is not ordered. It is more like earth under a spade, turning up things you had forgotten. Surprising things come to light: not simply memories, but states of mind, emotions, older ways of seeing the world.’
‘You can tell when someone has suffered deeply. Their heart is smaller and it no longer smokes. I want my heart to be smaller, too, more used up. When I look down at my heart, it is no longer there. I find it kneeling in the corner and shaking. I tell it in Chinese to stand up, but it doesn’t understand me. When I command it in English, it only gets larger.’
‘Do you remember once in San Francisco it began to rain? We spoke against gravity. Poets and poems came out of our mouths faster than we could comprehend each other. We could hear the clocks, but their ticking had separated from death. Tiny bulbs of wisdom came out of your mouth. What’s the rush, you said about publishing. I added: Does the world need another competent book of poems? Most times, we wouldn’t answer our own questions because what did we know? We only knew that we couldn’t scrub poetry off our bodies. And we ourselves feared the greatest death, which was writing merely competent poems. What I’ve learned from you is how important friends are to the poems themselves.’
‘I hope they don’t kill you. I hope you still have time to write, you said. I now understand what you meant. A job like this is like a burning house you have to sleep in. Over and over. In fact—any busy day job can feel like a burning house. All of my poems smell like smoke. Do you remember how we chuckled at what Terrance Hayes once said? I wrote it so I wouldn’t have to talk about it—thank you for being such a good—friend. By finding friends like you, I had inadvertently located the general coordinates of myself. You may not know that you recently startled me when you said: I only have twenty years left at the most.’
‘At breakfast this morning, I spoke to a poet about—how neither of our mothers, both of whom had left their countries, rarely spoke about their pasts. My mother fled from China to Taiwan when she was eight or nine, and then left Taiwan for America when she was twenty-one or twenty-two. This poet said that maybe it’s us, the next generation, who will write in response to that history.’
‘I used to think I was a transcriber of my own experiences and memories, adding an image here and there, but now I think I am more of a shaper. I take small fragments of imagery, memory, silence, and thought, and shape them with imaginary hands into something different. What’s left doesn’t need to have a firm, precise shape that resembles reality though. It can be unshapely. Splayed.’
‘I could see how memory works (and fails) in fragments as my mother answered my questions—describing images of pickled vegetables, a servant escaping, a mother holding the hand of the wrong child. Working on these letters and listening to the interviews made me think that grief and memory are related. That memory, trying to remember, is also an act of grieving—sometimes forgetting or silence was a way to grieve lost lands and to survive. In my case, trying to know someone else’s memories, even if it’s through imagination and within silence, is also a form of grieving.’
‘As I began to write, though, my own memories started to return, and I began to trace in language some of my own painful childhood experiences, which I had always kept hidden. I realised I had to tell my stories in order to reflect on theirs because, while I had always thought our stories were separate, they were actually intimately connected—I began to think about how maybe my memories are never really just my memories but are fragments of memories and stories from others. And that memory, for many of us, is shaped by motion, movement, and migration.’
‘Maybe if I listen closely enough, the stone is a thought, the bell makes a sound without ringing, and I can hear children grow. Maybe our histories can never be fully known. Maybe curiosity is its own language. In the end, these epistles brought me much sadness and shame to write, but the process was also joyful—And with each word, I become more and more myself.’
"If I press the button,I imagine the large hot water dispensers common in Asia. We don't want to know our family's history, but we must for it is all around our lives.
hot water will burn me.
The water is history.
I don't press it but why
am I still soaking wet? p.9 Dear Grandmother.
"Working on these letters and listening to the interviews made me think that grief and memory are related. That memory, trying to remember, is also an act of grieving. In my mother's case, sometimes forgetting or silence was a way to grieve lost lands and to survive. In my case, trying to know someone else's memories even if it's through imagination and within silence, is also a form of grieving." p.144 Dear Reader
"At mother's funeral, a bony Chinese man said, Your mother was always a bit chubby. I was always worried about her health. As if her weight had caused her lungs to fail. He didn't mean any harm, just as Father never meant any harm. But harm is rarely about intention. I remember all the times aunties would say to me, You've lost weight. Or, You've gained weight. Stand up so we can see you better.
A month before Mother died, she was so frail. She had lost all the weight of seventy-four years. I don't think she was finally happy. She looked small and beautiful in a baggy old dress with blue flowers that she could finally fit into. I was secretly happy that she would never have to worry about her body again. That the weight of caring for father was gone, that the weight of her countries was gone, that she was finally the weight of light. p. 33 Dear Body
"I used to hate red.
The color of meat and
shame. Now I paint my
lips red so I don't disappear."p. 43 Dear L