What do you think?
Rate this book
Speaking in Thumbs: A Psychiatrist Decodes Your Relationship Texts So You Don't Have To
An essential look at the love language of texts, helping you decipher the personalities of online daters, the subtle signals from your romantic partner, and the red flags hiding in plain sight.
When it comes to modern relationships, our thumbs do the talking. We swipe right into a stranger's life, flirt inside text bubbles, spill our hearts onto the screen, use emojis to convey desire, frustration, rage. Where once we pored over love letters, now we obsess over response times, or wonder why the three-dot ellipsis came . . . and went.
Nobody knows this better than Dr. Mimi Winsberg. A Harvard- and Stanford-trained psychiatrist, she cofounded a behavioral health startup while serving as resident psychiatrist at Facebook. Her work frequently finds her at the intersection of Big Data and Big Dating. Like all of us, Winsberg has been handed a smartphone accompanied by the urgent plea: What does this mean? Unlike all of us, she knows the answer. She is a text whisperer.
Speaking in Thumbs is a lively and indispensable guide to interpreting our most important medium of communication. Drawing from of-the-moment research and a treasure trove of real-life online dating chats, including her own, Winsberg helps you see past the surface and into the heart of the matter. What are the telltale signs of deception? How do we recognize pathology before it winds up at our front door? How can we draw out that important-but-sensitive piece of information--Do you want kids? Do you use drugs? Are you seeing someone else?--without sending a potential partner heading for the hills?
Insightful, timely, and impossible to put down, Speaking in Thumbs is an irresistible guide to the language of love. With wit and compassion, Winsberg empowers you to find and maintain real connection by reading between the lines.
When it comes to modern relationships, our thumbs do the talking. We swipe right into a stranger's life, flirt inside text bubbles, spill our hearts onto the screen, use emojis to convey desire, frustration, rage. Where once we pored over love letters, now we obsess over response times, or wonder why the three-dot ellipsis came . . . and went.
Nobody knows this better than Dr. Mimi Winsberg. A Harvard- and Stanford-trained psychiatrist, she cofounded a behavioral health startup while serving as resident psychiatrist at Facebook. Her work frequently finds her at the intersection of Big Data and Big Dating. Like all of us, Winsberg has been handed a smartphone accompanied by the urgent plea: What does this mean? Unlike all of us, she knows the answer. She is a text whisperer.
Speaking in Thumbs is a lively and indispensable guide to interpreting our most important medium of communication. Drawing from of-the-moment research and a treasure trove of real-life online dating chats, including her own, Winsberg helps you see past the surface and into the heart of the matter. What are the telltale signs of deception? How do we recognize pathology before it winds up at our front door? How can we draw out that important-but-sensitive piece of information--Do you want kids? Do you use drugs? Are you seeing someone else?--without sending a potential partner heading for the hills?
Insightful, timely, and impossible to put down, Speaking in Thumbs is an irresistible guide to the language of love. With wit and compassion, Winsberg empowers you to find and maintain real connection by reading between the lines.
304 pages, Hardcover
Published February 8, 2022
66 people are currently reading
1737 people want to read
Ratings & Reviews
Friends & Following
Create a free account to discover what your friends think of this book!
Community Reviews
Displaying 1 - 28 of 28 reviews
August 27, 2022
This book offers many fascinating psychological insights to help the reader more efficiently navigate text-based communication in relationships!
I loved Winsberg’s categorization of texting love languages (compliments, riffing, spoon-feeding, nudging, and nooking); it’s a framework of analysis I’ve already been applying to my sent/received texts in the approximate one day since I started this book in a way that feels really useful!
I also appreciated the tips for screening for the Big 5 personality traits over text (Openness, Conscientiousness, Extroversion, Agreeableness, and Neuroticism), looking at things like whether pronouns are omitted, what emojis are used, punctuation, and whether the person “hearts” replies. The use of NLP to provide insights was great! This part is EXTREMELY relevant for anyone trying to screen potential matches on online dating apps!
Another great framework was the 4 types of humor (affiliative, self-enhancing, aggressive, and self-defeating). Having a vocabulary to help identify these patterns (and avoid the latter two) is so helpful!
My main complaint, however, is that a lot of the example text exchanges in this book are confusing, have a lot going on, are not analyzed cogently, and are kind of just plopped in there. I found it hard to follow which person was exhibiting what traits, thought some of the analyses were a little too subjective, and honestly thought it was weird how many of her own personal online dating transcripts Winsberg included. (I feel like personal involvement may have blinded her into thinking these texts were more helpful than they were? She came across as such a bad texter in many of the examples, not asking questions and hitting boring notes like “how is your week?”. Maybe this is just her not being a digital native, but it was just a bit odd.)
With better examples and explanations of those examples, this would have easily been a 5-star book for me. As it was, I still really enjoyed it, and am pocketing many of the heuristics, which seem extremely applicable to my own life!
I loved Winsberg’s categorization of texting love languages (compliments, riffing, spoon-feeding, nudging, and nooking); it’s a framework of analysis I’ve already been applying to my sent/received texts in the approximate one day since I started this book in a way that feels really useful!
I also appreciated the tips for screening for the Big 5 personality traits over text (Openness, Conscientiousness, Extroversion, Agreeableness, and Neuroticism), looking at things like whether pronouns are omitted, what emojis are used, punctuation, and whether the person “hearts” replies. The use of NLP to provide insights was great! This part is EXTREMELY relevant for anyone trying to screen potential matches on online dating apps!
Another great framework was the 4 types of humor (affiliative, self-enhancing, aggressive, and self-defeating). Having a vocabulary to help identify these patterns (and avoid the latter two) is so helpful!
My main complaint, however, is that a lot of the example text exchanges in this book are confusing, have a lot going on, are not analyzed cogently, and are kind of just plopped in there. I found it hard to follow which person was exhibiting what traits, thought some of the analyses were a little too subjective, and honestly thought it was weird how many of her own personal online dating transcripts Winsberg included. (I feel like personal involvement may have blinded her into thinking these texts were more helpful than they were? She came across as such a bad texter in many of the examples, not asking questions and hitting boring notes like “how is your week?”. Maybe this is just her not being a digital native, but it was just a bit odd.)
With better examples and explanations of those examples, this would have easily been a 5-star book for me. As it was, I still really enjoyed it, and am pocketing many of the heuristics, which seem extremely applicable to my own life!
May 9, 2022
while not devoid of insight, I think the book would have benefited from more examples to illustrate each potential issue, and there were several times where I was baffled by the author's choice of example/choice to not fully comment on the example - early on there is a text exchange where the male party is pointed out as being inflexible because he thinks meeting for coffee at noon is odd because he drinks it early AM and again mid-afternoon, and the female party says she can adjust her coffee schedule for him as long as he can deal with her rigid crack-taking schedule.
...it's a problem that he's inflexible but not that she casually drops crack jokes? humor is subjective but that's potentially very offputting. (to be fair, the author does mention this after a few paragraphs, but I think this is just one place where the book suffered from a lack of examples. if there were 2 or 3 different text exchanges focusing on inflexibility, this particular exchange wouldn't stand out so much for focusing on inflexibility rather than other, more vibrant red flags)
...it's a problem that he's inflexible but not that she casually drops crack jokes? humor is subjective but that's potentially very offputting. (to be fair, the author does mention this after a few paragraphs, but I think this is just one place where the book suffered from a lack of examples. if there were 2 or 3 different text exchanges focusing on inflexibility, this particular exchange wouldn't stand out so much for focusing on inflexibility rather than other, more vibrant red flags)
December 23, 2021
Great mix of scientific research, humor, and relatable language for any audience. Online dating is as prominent as every during the pandemic and this is a great book to not only learn about how the messages of potential matches reflect who they are but to also learn about yourself, how you communicate, and how you are perceived.
April 19, 2022
As I’m often asked to interpret women friends male suitors texts, I thought this book might be interesting. Although there are some empirical studies that are referenced in the book that are collections of analysis of text streams, Mimi Winsberg MD relies again and again on repeated examples of incredibly desperate sounding men mostly. It important to note that the book entirely for one gender frame of reference. The book focused on the text streams in dating app responses to women. This includes heterosexual women, bisexual women, and lesbians. There seems to be no viewpoint here for men at all , other than 100 ways perhaps not to replicate any of the examples in the book. Perhaps Winsberg only treats women in her practice in San Francisco. It might be a quick entertaining book for a few laughs, however, could have been an essay or even an article for a women’s online journal more than an actual book.
April 9, 2022
I expected this book to very science-y but found it unexpectedly poignant. It builds on the reality that many of our present relationships are enacted over text. I also appreciate how it highlights the virtues of text...for example, the written word being harder to ignore, and more easily being able to take a moment to gather oneself in a triggering conversation. It was also interesting to realize that the 5 love languages can very easily be applied to dynamics over texting.
Many people bemoan how communication is cheapened by texting and how it's easier to just "pick up the phone." That often presumes that texting is superficial, and this book shows that it needn't be. My favorite part is the afterword, with the author contemplating about having "thumb tribes" and the peculiar friendships or delayed romances that can come out of virtual dating.
That said, I do feel the conversations featured in the book showcase people who (even when being toxic in some way) are communicative and accepting of text as a vehicle for the conversation at hand. Many people don't have an aptitude for texting enough to evolve a persona. At times they are people who are painfully boring to text with, but very pleasant in person. If the book acknowledged that reality in some way, it would be on its way to getting five stars from me.
Many people bemoan how communication is cheapened by texting and how it's easier to just "pick up the phone." That often presumes that texting is superficial, and this book shows that it needn't be. My favorite part is the afterword, with the author contemplating about having "thumb tribes" and the peculiar friendships or delayed romances that can come out of virtual dating.
That said, I do feel the conversations featured in the book showcase people who (even when being toxic in some way) are communicative and accepting of text as a vehicle for the conversation at hand. Many people don't have an aptitude for texting enough to evolve a persona. At times they are people who are painfully boring to text with, but very pleasant in person. If the book acknowledged that reality in some way, it would be on its way to getting five stars from me.
July 9, 2022
I really like her way with words and a lot of her use of language to explain chemistry, compatibility, the relationship journeys we all embark on. I also loved the application of other concepts - The Big Five, Gottman’s theories, love languages and more. While I was very invested in liking this book and garnering much insight about how we text and why we text the way we do, I don’t feel like it delivered on its promise of decoding relationship texts. I liked the inclusion of the actual texts but very often felt the interpretation was subjective and I did not have the context needed to see it the way it was being presented. I didn’t always feel like I understood the illustrations or what they were illustrating and I didn’t always agree with it - all of which are fine. The second and third parts were a much better read. I laughed, smiled and couldn’t put the book down when I got to those parts but not so much the first. Maybe the later ends of the relationship journey are more a specialty of hers than swiping and dating culture. Overall still a fun read and provided me with much needed reminders about the care and nurturing relationships need. I had many a moment of reflection thanks to it.
February 23, 2023
Unhelpful book that presents itself as being deep, insightful, and methodically researched. It instead relies heavily on subjective observations of the author into her patients' text messages for which the reader isn't provided complete enough context to accept Winsberg's judgements.
Despite the inclusion of text messages, the book is unsuccessful at defending its thesis of decoding relationship texts so we (the reader) don't have to. Unfortunately, the reader is left craving further explanation. The sections on toxic communication in couples was interesting; there was very little of it.
It seems that Winsberg sacrificed thoroughness for readability--random quotations from Tolstoy, Sartre, and others are not a replacement for vigorous, explanatory writing. With sound reasoning and a rational judgement, the insights harnessed in this book are revealed to be rather obvious, failing to provide something new or novel notwithstanding the promise of a manual for modern communications facilitated by a digital form.
Despite the inclusion of text messages, the book is unsuccessful at defending its thesis of decoding relationship texts so we (the reader) don't have to. Unfortunately, the reader is left craving further explanation. The sections on toxic communication in couples was interesting; there was very little of it.
It seems that Winsberg sacrificed thoroughness for readability--random quotations from Tolstoy, Sartre, and others are not a replacement for vigorous, explanatory writing. With sound reasoning and a rational judgement, the insights harnessed in this book are revealed to be rather obvious, failing to provide something new or novel notwithstanding the promise of a manual for modern communications facilitated by a digital form.
April 18, 2022
Quoting from p. 261, the last chapter, next-to-last (penultimate!) paragraph:
We have learned a new language, established a new fluency. How will you use it? as the author Susan Statham said, "Your life is your story. Write well and edit often." The yes or not answer to the question, "Has digital communication killed the written word?" is probably moot at this pint. To quote Ice Cube, "This is a gang, and I'm in it." We are all writers now, and it behooves us to bring our best to the table or the tablet.
Written with those who swipe left and swipe right in mind, Dr. Winsberg's book is the next step: how to engage in a text, and how to read, understand, and respond to what is texted--the words and the underlying message. I listened to the author speak at a virtual Book Passage event, and followed up by reading her book.
We have learned a new language, established a new fluency. How will you use it? as the author Susan Statham said, "Your life is your story. Write well and edit often." The yes or not answer to the question, "Has digital communication killed the written word?" is probably moot at this pint. To quote Ice Cube, "This is a gang, and I'm in it." We are all writers now, and it behooves us to bring our best to the table or the tablet.
Written with those who swipe left and swipe right in mind, Dr. Winsberg's book is the next step: how to engage in a text, and how to read, understand, and respond to what is texted--the words and the underlying message. I listened to the author speak at a virtual Book Passage event, and followed up by reading her book.
August 5, 2022
I do not conduct intimate relationships via sms/text, thank god, but found this a fascinating insight into modern dating. The example texts were interesting, but the interpretations can vary so much, and some of the interpretations reflect the author's particular perspective and probably not the participants' views. The texts were all from well-educated upper class types, with almost every message being about travel (past, present, future) or planning to be elsewhere.
The strongest message seemed to be about the concept of love languages - some people just communicate and express their feelings differently!
Not sure it is well-titled to appeal to the right market. And I really wanted to know whether the author has a current partner, and how she communicated to connect with that partner.
The strongest message seemed to be about the concept of love languages - some people just communicate and express their feelings differently!
Not sure it is well-titled to appeal to the right market. And I really wanted to know whether the author has a current partner, and how she communicated to connect with that partner.
December 11, 2025
Interpreting love through text has become the next "big thing," hasn't it.
Technically speaking, it would be best if one would have as much information about the other person as possible so no unintended message gets picked up by the other, but sometimes that is not always possible due to time restraints due to like the sudden arrival of someone uninvited to the room or other unwelcome occasions like that.
Now that I think about it, I have always been glued to those "What does this writing mean?" type article in whichever publication, but when push comes to shove, it is just a hypothesis and you actually have to ask the other person on the other end what exactly he or she is talking about so as few things are left to the imagination as possible. That is what Winsberg has gotten at today in this work (or four years ago, when this was published).
Technically speaking, it would be best if one would have as much information about the other person as possible so no unintended message gets picked up by the other, but sometimes that is not always possible due to time restraints due to like the sudden arrival of someone uninvited to the room or other unwelcome occasions like that.
Now that I think about it, I have always been glued to those "What does this writing mean?" type article in whichever publication, but when push comes to shove, it is just a hypothesis and you actually have to ask the other person on the other end what exactly he or she is talking about so as few things are left to the imagination as possible. That is what Winsberg has gotten at today in this work (or four years ago, when this was published).
March 8, 2022
This was an excellent read. I gobbled up parts 2 and 3 in one afternoon (part 1 was about dating and I've been married for 10 years.) I took tons of notes (with my thumbs!)
I loved this: “Let’s not forget, in our technology-ridden lives, that with every thumb tap and keystroke we are giving away little pieces of ourselves. We leave behind contrails of digital exhaust, signatures of ourselves, our desires, our states of mind, even our character.”
Dr. Winsberg's experience -- 25 years as a clinician, including 3 as Facebook's resident psychiatrist -- is invaluable, but she also shares tons of great text examples and research from other experts. I learned so much that I can put to use immediately in my (texting) relationships.
I loved this: “Let’s not forget, in our technology-ridden lives, that with every thumb tap and keystroke we are giving away little pieces of ourselves. We leave behind contrails of digital exhaust, signatures of ourselves, our desires, our states of mind, even our character.”
Dr. Winsberg's experience -- 25 years as a clinician, including 3 as Facebook's resident psychiatrist -- is invaluable, but she also shares tons of great text examples and research from other experts. I learned so much that I can put to use immediately in my (texting) relationships.
March 30, 2022
I liked how the author brought up relevant research with online dating and how personality can determine whether you add in lots of emojis like this, 🥰😍😋, or don't add any when you text. I'm certainly impressed that she added information about ethical monogamy and distinguished this from cheating in a relationship along with same-sex couples. However, I think this book could be improved if we learned more how similar or different the results would be for same-sex couples and couples where the partners have different sexualities, such as straight and bisexual, and so forth. I also want to learn more how these results differ for different races in the United States or other countries. Otherwise, it is a great book to learn from and I'll use less emojis when texting my boyfriend.
November 7, 2022
I saw the author on CBS this morning and I bought the book because of the interview. Soon after I began reading the book it was evident that the interview focused on the communication aspect of the book, but in reality, it is focused on personal relationships.
While it is useful in some aspects with my work, I had hoped that it would not be focused so much on personal relationships, but on texting and modern day communication as a whole.
Interesting read--it's just not what I was expecting based on the interview I watched.
While it is useful in some aspects with my work, I had hoped that it would not be focused so much on personal relationships, but on texting and modern day communication as a whole.
Interesting read--it's just not what I was expecting based on the interview I watched.
February 8, 2022
Full disclosure: Mimi is a dear friend, and I reviewed and commented on early drafts of the book. With that out of the way, though, I feel comfortable saying that Speaking in Thumbs is a fun read. The text exchanges included in the book can be quite funny, and the review of the social science literature that undergirds Mimi's ideas is both fascinating and compelling. Also, Mimi's insights into our written communication styles are applicable well beyond dating.
March 9, 2022
When I was growing up, one of my stepfather's tongue-in-cheek admonitions was, "Never put anything in writing." And now here we are, living in an age when we often communicate more with the written word than with the spoken one. As a digital immigrant, I appreciated how the author deciphered the ins, outs, dos, and dont's of texting, in this case related to romantic relationships, although much of her guidance applies to other relationships, too. Bottom line: mind your thumbs, people.
March 30, 2022
Fascinating and original examination of the role that text messages play in dating and relationships. I love that Dr. Winsberg dug into this novel idea for a psychology book — analyzing dating text messages and emphasizing that now all sorts of conversations in dating and relationships are conducted via text, for better or worse — but that she also presented many of her observations through classic and well-researched psychology principles.
Read
August 25, 2022I was over half way through before I skipped some pages and realised this is more a guide to online dating than an in-depth look at the use of text language to communicate ore broadly. Whilst I was morbidly fascinated by some of the examples of interactions, being married nearly 20 years and hopeful I won’t be needing to date any time soon, it wasn’t terribly relevant. Will recommend to a single friend.
June 21, 2022
I was really interested in the concept of the book but I felt it didn’t give me as much resources to decode texts as I expected. It was a bit of a compilation of other research, which was actually admittedly somewhat helpful. It also tends toward a lot of “x is defined as y” which is a quick way to lose credence with a reader
March 3, 2022
I listened to this on a whim thanks to “needing” an audiobook that was available from my library. Though I’m not online dating, I found this book a fascinating insight on that culture and the meaning that can be found in our texts.
March 22, 2022
Overall I enjoyed this book, and like how the author acknowledges the significance and impact of text exchanges in modern society. I also enjoyed the actionable suggestions she makes for analyzing confusing texts, especially in a dating/relationship scenario.
August 28, 2022
Some really good insights on online dating , and text messages etiquette. Makes you reflect on communication gaps when composing texts to friends and /or partners .
There is also good humor in this. I like how author has used her own examples
There is also good humor in this. I like how author has used her own examples
June 10, 2025
Helpful book! It was useful to me as a way to understand how dating apps fit into the courtship process. The author was a bit scolding at times, and pretty plainly had a disdain for neurotic people and their problems in dating (hits a lil close to home Mimi 🙄) but overall still useful!
March 13, 2022
A good dissection of language. I really appreciated all the text examples. I wished for sentence starters, question formulation, etc to help the reader with their own communication and messaging.
September 11, 2022
This is another book that gave interesting insight into behavior in general. A fun bonus was reading all the absolutely wacky sample text conversations. People are wild.
April 11, 2022
It was well-written and interesting. Enjoyed it!
March 9, 2023
Who doesn’t love snooping at other people’s personal texts?? Just me? Well that’s awkward.. Today, so much communication is done via text, and especially when it comes to meeting people and building relationships, the nuance and underlying emotion can be easily lost or misread (haha see what I did there?). It’s abbreviated. It’s not always carefully thought out. Sarcasm, sincerity are all intuited by the reader. This book explores the hidden depths of texting, what certain messaging styles can mean for a person’s emotional availability, and ways to predict a relationship’s status and trajectory based on text exchanges. This book was also interesting in that it contained some self-analysis of the author and also looked at how certain personality types respond to this type of communication.
December 3, 2021
An actual expert’s data based approach to interpreting what text messages in a relationship can mean. We all have such a different manner of understanding words without the context of tone and body language. I won’t be taking any of these as a rule of thumb, but they definitely do offer a lot of insight into human behaviour and communication.
February 2, 2022
A unusually fascinating insight into the world of online dating and what different message might mean, trends, and how things may be interpreted. Ive never read anything like this before and I found it to be really interesting. Packed with research, the writer knows their stuff. Good read.
Displaying 1 - 28 of 28 reviews