Heartbreak: A Personal and Scientific Journey

by Florence Williams

When her twenty-five-year marriage unexpectedly falls apart, journalist Florence Williams expects the loss to hurt. What she doesn’t expect is that she’ll end up in the hospital, examining close-up the way our cells listen to loneliness. She travels to the frontiers of the science of “social pain” to learn why heartbreak hurts so much and why so much of the conventional wisdom about it is wrong.


Searching for insight as well as personal strategies to game her way back to health, Williams tests her blood for genetic markers of grief, undergoes electrical shocks in a laboratory while looking at pictures of her ex, and ventures to the wilderness in search of awe as an antidote to loneliness. For readers of Wild and Lab Girl, Heartbreak is a remarkable merging of science and self-discovery that will change the way we think about loneliness, health, and what it means to fall in and out of love.

Genres: Nonfiction, Memoir, Science, Psychology, Audiobook, Health, Self Help

304 pages, Hardcover

First published February 1, 2022

About the author

Florence Williams is the author of Heartbreak, Breasts, winner of the Los Angeles Times Book Prize, and The Nature Fix. A contributing editor at Outside magazine, her writing has appeared in the New York Times, National Geographic, and many other outlets. She lives in Washington, DC.

Reviews

[Thomas · Rating 4 out of 5]

Four stars mostly because I take great solace in reading about other people’s divorces and heartbreaks. I found out about this book via a podcast and both in the podcast and this book, I appreciated Williams writing about her divorce that occurred after decades of marriage. She’s real about what went awry, the development of and love within her former marriage, and her messy path to healing.

I’m not sure how I felt about the science writing in this memoir. Maybe it’s because I am a psychologist and know this research, though those aspects of the book didn’t resonate with me as much. I wanted to read more about Williams and her marriage and more introspective, personal, and relational details, though of course it’s up to her what she includes in her book.

So, four stars because I think divorce is still stigmatized and I wished more people talked about it, and Williams is a solid writer. As I’ve written about on my blog I recently have been processing a breakup that happened when I was 19 (so ten years ago lol whew) and this book did bring me some comfort in that.

[Jessy · Rating 5 out of 5]

“My biggest problem at the moment was the portable toilet.”
With a first line like that, how could you not be hooked? This book balances personal memoir, scientific research, nature, and wry humor. It’s overlaps with several books I’ve read recently, like Together, but beat them all for me. Recommend to anyone who has ever loved, lost, or been a human.

[Ashleigh · Rating 3 out of 5]

I received an advance reading copy of this book from BookBrowse.

What was likely a well-intentioned and overarching take on heartbreak, this book read more like a divorce memoir than the expected non-fiction book with anecdotes. I have never experienced traumatic heartbreak or a divorce and therefore found most of the specifics irrelevant or uninteresting. And this book was very divorce focused whereas I think “heartbreak” is much more relatable and broad. While the author did a nice job structuring the chapters with various elements (quotes, anecdotes, dialogue with a bit of plot) the “science” piece was severely lacking. It felt more like a stream of consciousness than a structured “scientific journey”. That being said, I thoroughly enjoyed many relatable aspects of the author’s personality which shined throughout the book.

[Olive Fellows (abookolive) · Rating 4 out of 5]

Click here to hear my thoughts on this book over on my Booktube channel, abookolive!

[Tess · Rating 3 out of 5]

Although I found catharsis in understanding the health impacts and science around heartbreak, Williams made the fatal error made countless times by memoir writers before her (such as Liz Gilbert). She did not acknowledge the enormous privilege she had navigating and aiding her heartbreak. Unfortunately, most of us do not have access to travel, river adventures and magic mushrooms to get over heartbreak. We must keep grinding through, attending to children, aging parents and our 9-5 jobs. I found these parts of the book incredibly unhelpful and irrelevant.

[Hamed Manoochehri · Rating 4 out of 5]

I hope you nerve feel like knowing more about heartbreak but if you did, this [adio]book is phenomenal.

یه جاهایی اینقدر شخصی و خصوصی میشد که روم نمیشد بهش گوش بدم. قسمتهای علمیش رُ تا جایی که تونستم چک کنم عالی بود و تجربیات خود نویسنده و نثرش عالی تر.


یه بخشی داشت به نام Awe که کلیت مبحث مخصوصا چپتر ۱۵ خیلی به Terror Management Theory قرابت داشت به نظرم. 

و دیگه اینکه با وجود یکجانبه گرایی کتاب به نفع خانم ها و Midwestern big gesture قابل پیشبینی اواخر کتاب باز هم کم و کسری خاصی به نظرم نمیاد.

خیلی یاد گرفتم و خیلی بیشتر نیازه که یاد بگیرم.

[Maureen Grigsby · Rating 4 out of 5]

An interesting and personal story of heartbreak, and how it physically affects us.

[Jamie Newman · Rating 4 out of 5]

0 star for writing
1 star for research quality
1 star for premise
1 star for impact
1 star for personal taste

I highly recommend the audio version of this. I did purchase the hardcover for my therapy library at work, but the audio is an amazing experience. This is an important topic and this is a really wonderful, very human, enlightening title on that topic.

[Laura Hoffman Brauman · Rating 3 out of 5]

When Florence Williams, a science journalist, experienced a significant heartbreak at the end of her 25 year marriage when her husband told her he wanted to find his soulmate. In the midst of that loss, she started to look into the science behind heartbreak - what does it do to the body and what can we do to alter or speed up the healing. Ultimately what drew me to this book was the exploration of the way that nature can influence the healing process. I probably most appreciated the discussion of the impact of awe on how we process emotion and cope with challenges. This is really a combination of a divorce memoir with the science writing as much of her exploration was around her personal experiences. Personally, I was more engaged in the science aspects of this, but the memoir piece was a nice blend of the personal with the science. A bonus plug for the audio on this — she had kept an audio diary following her separation and divorce and had also tape recorded many of the discussions that she had with both friends and researchers. At various points in the audio, she plays segments of the actual conversations. It was a nice touch that made you feel closer to the writing process.

[Zibby Owens · Rating 5 out of 5]

In her new book, Florence Wiliams explored the science behind heartbreak, grief, and rejection. After an unexpected divorce, she wanted to find out what was happening to her—both emotionally and psychologically, and physically. Evidently, there is a thing called "heartsick."

As someone who has experienced a divorce, I know firsthand how difficult it can be. The author helped me understand that divorce isn't something to “get over” or “tough it out.” She was incredibly thorough in her research about the physiological effects of divorce. I was fascinated to learn that blood work can show the impacts of emotions like loneliness. I was inspired by her thorough investigations of various treatments for depression, anxiety, and the "blues "of losing something as impactful as a marriage. She spent time in the wilderness for a month. She tried more exotic treatments MDMA (“party” drug ecstasy), LSD with a therapist, and good old-fashioned meditation. Lastly, there was a gem of discovery at the end of the book that I won’t spoil for you.

To listen to my interview with the author, go to my podcast at: https://zibbyowens.com/transcript/flo...

[Nishta Mehra · Rating 5 out of 5]

I loved this book - such deft personal narrative interwoven with engaging science writing and adept social commentary. This book has a lot to say about loneliness, grief, love, and how modern society primes a lot of us - especially women - to bear the burden of poorly designed structures. The author is relatable, thoughtful, and funny - I would give this book in a heartbeat to a friend going through not only a divorce but a major life journey or transition of any kind. So smart!

[Ms. G · Rating 3 out of 5]

Part memoir; part science journalism -- work at times, not others. Also somewhat repetitive. Perhaps better suited for a magazine article or series.

[Kristen · Rating 4 out of 5]

Truly fascinating. I will try and channel all that I learned in this book the next time I need it.

[Katie · Rating 4 out of 5]

Summary: Fascinating science and engaging memoir, well blended!

Science memoirs are rapidly becoming one of my favorite genres. Like any something + memoir, I'm sure it could go wrong if the balance was off, but I found that both elements of this book were well blended. The author has gotten a divorce, at her husband's instigation and after 25 years of marriage. As she goes through the difficult grieving process, she tries a lot of different ways to approach her grief. She takes on a multi-week, at times solo rafting trip. She tries getting back into dating. And, in one of my favorite parts of her story, she also does a lot of visiting scientists and learning about both how we grieve and how grief can impact the body.

I really enjoyed this book. A large percentage of it was memoir, so it's fortunate that I found the author's story and her voice engaging. She came across as very open about her struggles, warm and self-deprecating in a funny way. She also did a great job integrating the science into a chronological story of her divorce and the other efforts she made to help herself recover. The science was fascinating from beginning to end. Almost all of it was new to me and it was really incredible how much grief and trauma can impact biology. I also appreciated the quotes she engaged with from authors. It reminded me Leslie Jamison's The Recovering in that way. Both felt like they were in conversation with their sources and made me want to go read all of those books too. A new favorite.This review was originally posted on Doing Dewey

[Nathan Shuherk · Rating 4 out of 5]

A lot of interesting science blended with a personal memoir of processing grief. I think people dealing with a divorce or breakup might find this more personable. The book could’ve been edited down, and the interwoven memoir lacked good, consistent flow. The book has some fascinating sections, but easily 75 pages too long. Full review coming on tiktok.

Thank you Norton for my arc in exchange for a review.

(3.5)

[Nancy McCann · Rating 3 out of 5]

While this book would likely provide consolation and understanding to people going through the pain of a relationship ending, I found the combination of memoir and scientific journalism to be unsatisfying. I would have liked more personal details in the memoir sections and the personalization of the science led me to question its reliability. After hearing the author interviewed on Fresh Air, I looked forward to reading this book, but it was ultimately a disappointment.

[Holly · Rating 4 out of 5]

I liked the combination of memoir and science reporting. The audiobook (read by Florence Williams herself) was especially engaging because of the tape recorded conversations, the music, the nature-sound effects - enhancements that other audiobook producers ought to consider. (Sounds wouldn't work for any book, but travel odysseys and personal journeys - why not?)

[Ilene · Rating 2 out of 5]

Privileged white woman with a solid support system of friends and family embarks on her divorce heartbreak. Meh.

[Rob · Rating 5 out of 5]

Here are my thoughts on this book as a social neuroscientist who specializes in the scientific study of relationships and health. Williams excels at taking a complicated academic literature and distilling it for general audiences while preserving accuracy and maintaining important nuances. It is difficult to express the extent to which this is, in my opinion, is one of the marks of the strongest science writers. It is also difficult to express the sad extent to which this is a quality lacking in much of what is marketed as science writing in popular outlets. Williams is, to put it succinctly, the real deal. She has considerable training and experience in both science and journalism and this makes her very skilled at bridging the two worlds.

As someone who is intimately familiar with this area of research, I applaud Williams' conscientious presentation of the science. She is meticulous about including detailed endnotes (which are formatted so as to be unobtrusive to readers who don't want them in the middle of the text, but clearly linked to the corresponding passages for scholarly readers who want more information). She also notes when the generalizability of some research is unknown due to a lack of data from understudied populations, e.g., when everything we know on a subject comes from heterosexual couples and may vary in other contexts.

When I think of the science writers I'd happily invite into my office, laboratory, or home, Williams is at the top of the list. Her dedication to 'getting it right,' makes her a journalist with whom I enjoy working. After many experiences being misquoted or having my scientific work misconstrued, it was a pleasure to meet Williams and find in her the same enthusiasm for accuracy and precision to which we aspire as researchers. The fact that so many of the most credible researchers in this field are happy to open their doors to Williams speaks volumes about her reputation for quality. She is doing a better job than most of us are as scientists in communicating our work to the public.

In sum, this book is an excellent introduction to and survey to the scientific study of relationships dissolution and its implications for psychological and physiological wellbeing.

[Kira · Rating 4 out of 5]

I loved this book. Haven’t read something this personally impactful in a long time. Everyone in my life has been hearing me talk about my “heartbreak book” for a few months now, always sharing the insights it has given me. I think this book is indispensable for someone going through heartbreak after the end of a significant relationship. I relate to so much of what she went through, and it has given me a great deal of peace to have a literary buddy to return to every day through pain and sadness. Sad that it’s over!! I took off one star for some of the approaches I didn’t vibe with as much, like heavy reliance on animal studies and some tonal choices, but in general I really loved it. Will be thinking for a long time about the effects of heartbreak on the body, the tidal waves of grief and shock across all aspects of someone’s life after heartbreak, and, of course, the importance and necessity of AWE <3

[Beanie · Rating 3 out of 5]

A brave book where Williams opens the kimono on the devastating personal trauma of divorce. Another williams book of interesting scientific stats and data - She bounces around both physically and literally, meeting and quoting many experts without ever really addressing any of their research in detail and the implications for the human state of grief and heartache. From solo retreats in the rapids, to meditation and psychedelics, she ping-pongs from one topic to another in appetizer format. One of the better chapters is “your cells know everything” and if she had anchored her book on this then it would have been a very different read. She ends the book with the assertion that what we all need is purpose, connection and biophilia.and focusing outward on the world and others. It was good to read that she ended in a better state , but I’m not sure I needed to read her entire book to just end like this …time really does heal all.

Williams needs to decide if she wants to be a scientific writer drawing on insights from research or an « airport novelist » - she clearly hasn’t figured that out and the entire section on her first sexual experience whilst brave to share has no place in a book that is supposed to be a scientific exploration of heartbreak. It felt like reading a section in a woman’s magazine at a hairdresser salon.

My second Williams book - my advice to her - go find what kind of writer you want to be … For the scientific narrative drop the expletives and nauseating humor.

[Heather H · Rating 4 out of 5]

Highly recommend the audiobook for all of the conversations she’s recorded and plays back. I appreciated weaving in personal narrative, journalistic exploration of others heartbreaks that go beyond love into natural disaster, etc. and the latest scientific explorations.

[Callie · Rating 5 out of 5]

Specifically recommending the audiobook!!!!

One of the coolest audio experiences taking true advantage of the format with actual interspersed voice memos, recordings from interviews, and live reactions. So interesting and impactful. Already been referencing this when giving advice and really emphasizes just how detrimental losing connections is. Idk who specifically I’d recommend it to but I really hope it finds everyone at the right time.

[Shelly · Rating 5 out of 5]

I liked her Nature Fix and this one is as good or better. I loved the mix of memoir and science of heartbreak/loneliness/trauma.

[Mari · Rating 5 out of 5]

my 55+ kindle highlights will never see the light of day. a must read for those going through the trenches of heartbreak. well done.

[Laina Johnston · Rating 4 out of 5]

Kinda sad to read about heartbreak 💔

[Laurie · Rating 4 out of 5]

Full review coming soon to the blog: https://cookscrapcraft.blogspot.com/2...

Here are some passages I found interesting:

"If you place someone who has suffered heartbreak in a brain scanner, parts of the brain light up that are very closely related to the parts that fire after receiving a burn or an electrical shock."

"A survey of 43 million medical records in Denmark found that in the year following a romantic breakup, men between the ages of 30 and 65 experience a 25 percent increased risk of a heart attack, and women experience a 45 percent higher risk."

"Almost nobody gets out of love alive."

"oxytocin and vasopressin linked with feelings of attachment, so casual sex is not casual."

"There is a less romantic, purely pragmatic reason for the health boost. The single largest determinant of health in the US is wealth. Married people are more likely to accumulate resources, afford good healthcare and insurance, and live in healthful environments."

"Further busting the healthy-heterosexual-marriage myth, at least for women, is the fact that its benefits are unequally distributed. The health boosts apply vastly more to men."

"More recently, a large analysis of data from 6.5 million people in 11 countries found that people who are divorced are 23 percent more likely to die early than their married peers."

"Wen the genders were reversed, male subjects poured four times more hot sauce into their partners' containers. As the researchers noted, the gender discrepancy might just reflect a portion-control issue for dudes, but it's also consistent with the fact that men are far more violent in relationship conflict, with over half of all American female homicides committed by vengeful men."

"What the team found, like Helen Fisher's group a year earlier, were fireworks in the dorsal anterior cingulate and the insula during both the heartbreaker-photo-viewing and the scalding-coffee agony. The images overlapped."

"pair-bonding, love, call it what you will, changes the brain. It changes it in some permanent ways that make us more sensitive to both joy and woe. It gives us a sense of something more to lose."

"The word anxiety, or in German, angst, comes from the Greek word ankho, meaning 'strangle', and the Latin words angustia, 'tightness', and angor, 'choking'."

"The root of the word betrayal comes from the French verb trair, 'to hand over', as in handing someone over to the enemy, similar to traitor. From that we got the Old English word bitrayen, 'to mislead or deceive'. The be root means 'thoroughly'."

"More than ever around the industrialized world, people are living alone, increasing the risk of feeling isolated."

looking at neutral pictures of your ex can show a little rise in dread, so don't follow your ex on socical media

"In sum, people who could be described as rebounding tended to have better personal psychological outcomes and valued their new partner more."

"But fear often holds women back. They're taught at an early age that someone is likely to outshine them, rescue them, soothe them, and comfort them if they give up or stay home."

"Worth noting is that the girls who identified as 'explorers' had the highest bravery scores, were the most likely to participate in activities, and earned the highest grades in school."

Juliette Gordon Low, a widow who had been unhappily married to a philanderer, founded the Girl Scouts in 1912.

"Desolate: forsaken, damaged, lonely. In the Bible, the word refers to wastelands and also to women abandoned by their husbands."

"To venture safely alone as a woman remains the rarest of privileges."

"The best antidote to loneliness is mission, not togetherness."

"Currently, Cole believes, we're experiencing a clash between health and purpose. We privilege individual goals over collective goals."

"If you walked in here on crutches, I'd be like, What happened and how can I help you? But with heartbreak, people often just suffer alone."

"The gene expression of the involuntarily unemployed looks even worse than that of lonely people, increasing their all-cause risk of death 70 percent during the first year, more than double what it is for the newly divorced."

[Lindsey · Rating 4 out of 5]

Ultimately a fascinating book. Some dry academic parts, but in the whole very interesting. Audio book is highly recommended!

[Angie Smith · Rating 5 out of 5]

I am a big fan of Florence Williams and if she lived in Iowa I would stalk her so I might get to be friends with her. I really connected with this book. When I have problems the thing I tend to do is research it and try to gain knowledge about the subject so I can better understand the problem. Of course after two decades of marriage, Florence Williams does the same thing to heal her heart. I loved the tangible research she explored but mostly I love how she turned to nature to heal her heart. Nature can help you prepare for healing, but it doesn’t do all lot it’s work automatically- especially when emotional trauma is involved. She bought into the idea that toughing out her problems by literally toughing it out on a rafting trip would heal her.

While reading this boo I admit I looked at my calendar and tried to pencil in some weekends I could spend outdoors. I also signed up for the Project Aware newsletter to spend at least one day on the river (cleaning up trash). If Florence Williams offered a River rafting trip for her readers I’d be the first one to sign up!

I think too her chapter alone on the water was shorter than I expected and I think learning that being alone in the wild - although glorious and liberating- did not turn out to be so comfortable. I enjoyed my solo drive through national parks last fall but not sure I could do a solo trip in nature like she did.

Global
Citizenship is like a successful long-term relationship. If we can muster optimism about the state of the world, and even better actively contribute to its improvement, our genes will thank us.

Sometimes when I am not easing poetry or looking at a work of art, I feel a chill or wave of a excitement

Seek Awe

I was amazed how the author grew over time, even in a genetic level

Loved The Nature Fix and am recommending it all of the time

[Sangeetha · Rating 4 out of 5]

Florence Williams is a podcaster and reporter by trade, so when she went through an unexpected separation from her husband of 25 years, she recorded her whole journey as an audio diary, which makes this a particularly unique audiobook to experience. Rather than hearing narration, you're immersed in the journey. Her travels, her conversations, her therapy, her adventures, are all laid bare for us. She immerses herself in nature, tries dating again, experiments with different unconventional therapy techniques. For me, I loved the reminders that our body and minds are connected and interdependent. When we go through emotional pain, our bodies respond as it we're going through physical pain. They are working to protect us. Rather than rush through life, denying this, we need to accept it. Ultimately, it's really only time - the most conventional of wisdom that has a pronounced effect on Florence's health and well being.

Note: I dm'd Florence on Instagram to tell her that I came to read her book during a breakup myself and really connected with it. She was so kind and really rooted for me.