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The Teen Interpreter: A Guide to the Challenges and Joys of Raising Adolescents
One of BookPage's 6 best parenting books of 2022.
The Teen Interpreter is a generous roadmap for enjoying the most challenging, and rewarding, parenting years. Once children hit adolescence, it seems as if overnight “I love you” becomes “leave me alone,” and any question from a parent can be dismissed with one word: “fine.” But while they may not show it, teenagers rely on their parents’ curiosity, delight, and connection to guide them through this period of exuberant growth as they navigate complex changes to their bodies, their thought processes, their social world, and their self-image. In The Teen Interpreter , psychologist Terri Apter looks into teens’ minds―minds that are experiencing powerful new emotions and awareness of the world around them―to show how parents can revitalize their relationship with their children. She illuminates the rapid neurological developments of a teen’s brain, along with their new, complex emotions, and offers strategies for disciplining unsafe actions constructively and empathetically. Apter includes up-to-the moment case studies that shed light on the anxieties and vulnerabilities that today’s teens face, and she thoughtfully explores the positives and pitfalls of social media. With perceptive conversation exercises that synthesize research from more than thirty years in the field, Apter illustrates how teens signal their changing needs and identities―and how parents can interpret these signals and see the world through their teens’ eyes. The Teen Interpreter is a generous roadmap for enjoying the most challenging, and rewarding, parenting years.
The Teen Interpreter is a generous roadmap for enjoying the most challenging, and rewarding, parenting years. Once children hit adolescence, it seems as if overnight “I love you” becomes “leave me alone,” and any question from a parent can be dismissed with one word: “fine.” But while they may not show it, teenagers rely on their parents’ curiosity, delight, and connection to guide them through this period of exuberant growth as they navigate complex changes to their bodies, their thought processes, their social world, and their self-image. In The Teen Interpreter , psychologist Terri Apter looks into teens’ minds―minds that are experiencing powerful new emotions and awareness of the world around them―to show how parents can revitalize their relationship with their children. She illuminates the rapid neurological developments of a teen’s brain, along with their new, complex emotions, and offers strategies for disciplining unsafe actions constructively and empathetically. Apter includes up-to-the moment case studies that shed light on the anxieties and vulnerabilities that today’s teens face, and she thoughtfully explores the positives and pitfalls of social media. With perceptive conversation exercises that synthesize research from more than thirty years in the field, Apter illustrates how teens signal their changing needs and identities―and how parents can interpret these signals and see the world through their teens’ eyes. The Teen Interpreter is a generous roadmap for enjoying the most challenging, and rewarding, parenting years.
- GenresParentingNonfiction
304 pages, Hardcover
Published March 29, 2022
24 people are currently reading
138 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 13 of 13 reviews
March 15, 2023
This book is different than a lot of parenting books. I like the insightful approach.
P. 72
Getting parenting “right” 30% of the time more or less is enough to positively impact your teen
Emotional coaching
P. 63 just as a child, needs a grown-up she loves and trusts to show that her terrors are understood, a teen needs a parent to assure her that her mind is not alone, that someone she loves and trusts can help her frame her feelings that threatened overwhelm her, and that she is lovable whatever she feels.
- help them manage their emotions, just like when they were young
—mirror but don’t show them my anxiety
—acknowledge difficult negative emotions
—show that they do not damage your relationship (just like I helped them through tantrums as a child)
-empathize but don’t make it worse
—deep breath
—do name emotions and discuss their context
—don’t minimize
—don’t try to “fix”
—don’t distract except as a support/sympathy
—don’t disapprove of negative emotion
Ch. 5 is especially good
P. 117
Co-regulation is the near-magical comfort that occurs when someone we love shows curiosity and warmth toward our inner world.
Ch. 7 the teen and how to “argue” is also really helpful
P. 86 when you talk to your teen, ensure that the conversation does not focus solely on your agenda. Including reminders of what you think they should do, what their attitude should be, and what you think their priorities should be.
P. 189 “gradually the vulnerabilities of the teen years give way to resilience. The demands for understanding and appreciation, for attentive listening and empathy, do not end, but are easier to meet. As the teen brain takes its adult shape, managing their own impulses, and communicating their needs will come much more easily. Until then, the hard work of parenting must continue.“
Communicating with teens is hard, even with those like Leo who find it easier to communicate. All of these strategies are good ones, and I’ve implemented most of them with Leo but it’s still prickly sometimes because, just like when they were toddlers and I was armed with all the strategies, they have their own agenda and, in the end, it’s not mine/a parent’s/adult…so it’s still not a picnic. Focus on the relationship, focus on the positive to negative interactions, focus on my reactions: saying less, walking away, letting it drop, not engaging with the lizard brain, apologizing, giving the benefit of the doubt, believing them, not labeling, starting fresh
P. 224 Praise
“ you worked (have to work) really hard to learn that stuff”
“ even when you have a knack or talent, hard work and occasional failures are part of a long learning process.”
Encourage teens to reflect on how their skills improved through persistence, dedication, hard, work, and trying again.
Expecting that hard work will be necessary makes a challenge less daunting.
“ everyone find some things difficult. Don’t be afraid of things are hard.”
P. 26 teens require a special kind of praise-in-waiting that, for many traits, embraces who they might become, rather than who they are now. They are not yet equipped to be as responsible, conscientious, or considerate, as parents would like them to be, or as teens sometimes think they already are. They need a parental scaffold– –( I call this an outside brain )– – that keeps them together, even when they mess up, that tracks their ability to take the next step forward, and that gives them feedback, sometimes in the form praise, and sometimes in the form of correction, as they move forward.
P. 229
In regards to whether teen boys are more aggressive because of testosterone…
“the testosterone bias that seems to grant more privileges to boy teens actually sells them short in the long run. There is no good evidence that testosterone really does require teens to let off steam or to take more risks. So when parents believe a teen son is, by nature, aggressive, impulsive, or prone to risk taking, parents not only send a message that such behavior is OK, they also forgo the scaffolding that would help team boys, practice restraint, and respect.“ In other words, the past acceptance or belief that testosterone requires/causes boys to be more aggressive is probably just cultural.
P. 240 “Thresholders”
What teens focus on, what interests they pursue, and what fills them with passion determine how the brain is modeled and remodeled.
By the time teen reaches the age of 18, the mass of neurons has undergone substantial pruning. But the neural networks for impulse and emotion control, or not yet at full adult strength. Which happens about the age of 24 before the brain functions as an adult brain.
This period of continued brain refinement offers, crucial positive features. Thresholders enjoy a heightened sensitivity to new people and new places and new ideas… Their brains, absorb new information, explore new meaning in familiar words, and invest importance in everything they learn.
Until they reach, at least the age of 24, young people occasionally require a parental scaffold… Parents suggest how issues might be solved, and be on hand to give feedback as a thresholder works on the solution… rather than the approach of, “you are now completely on your own”
They remain highly sensitive to their parent’s good opinion. They wish, even more than their parents, that they did not need support, but they do.
P. 246 they may be subject to, but unaware of, imposter syndrome. Explain it to them.
P. 254 my older teens/young adults might seem like they’re handling everything themselves. But I can say “I want to check in with you. It’s easy to miss things. How are you dealing with your challenges. It’s normal to feel scared and unsure. Crossing into adulthood is unpredictable and can feel like a maze rather than a path“
P. 72
Getting parenting “right” 30% of the time more or less is enough to positively impact your teen
Emotional coaching
P. 63 just as a child, needs a grown-up she loves and trusts to show that her terrors are understood, a teen needs a parent to assure her that her mind is not alone, that someone she loves and trusts can help her frame her feelings that threatened overwhelm her, and that she is lovable whatever she feels.
- help them manage their emotions, just like when they were young
—mirror but don’t show them my anxiety
—acknowledge difficult negative emotions
—show that they do not damage your relationship (just like I helped them through tantrums as a child)
-empathize but don’t make it worse
—deep breath
—do name emotions and discuss their context
—don’t minimize
—don’t try to “fix”
—don’t distract except as a support/sympathy
—don’t disapprove of negative emotion
Ch. 5 is especially good
P. 117
Co-regulation is the near-magical comfort that occurs when someone we love shows curiosity and warmth toward our inner world.
Ch. 7 the teen and how to “argue” is also really helpful
P. 86 when you talk to your teen, ensure that the conversation does not focus solely on your agenda. Including reminders of what you think they should do, what their attitude should be, and what you think their priorities should be.
P. 189 “gradually the vulnerabilities of the teen years give way to resilience. The demands for understanding and appreciation, for attentive listening and empathy, do not end, but are easier to meet. As the teen brain takes its adult shape, managing their own impulses, and communicating their needs will come much more easily. Until then, the hard work of parenting must continue.“
Communicating with teens is hard, even with those like Leo who find it easier to communicate. All of these strategies are good ones, and I’ve implemented most of them with Leo but it’s still prickly sometimes because, just like when they were toddlers and I was armed with all the strategies, they have their own agenda and, in the end, it’s not mine/a parent’s/adult…so it’s still not a picnic. Focus on the relationship, focus on the positive to negative interactions, focus on my reactions: saying less, walking away, letting it drop, not engaging with the lizard brain, apologizing, giving the benefit of the doubt, believing them, not labeling, starting fresh
P. 224 Praise
“ you worked (have to work) really hard to learn that stuff”
“ even when you have a knack or talent, hard work and occasional failures are part of a long learning process.”
Encourage teens to reflect on how their skills improved through persistence, dedication, hard, work, and trying again.
Expecting that hard work will be necessary makes a challenge less daunting.
“ everyone find some things difficult. Don’t be afraid of things are hard.”
P. 26 teens require a special kind of praise-in-waiting that, for many traits, embraces who they might become, rather than who they are now. They are not yet equipped to be as responsible, conscientious, or considerate, as parents would like them to be, or as teens sometimes think they already are. They need a parental scaffold– –( I call this an outside brain )– – that keeps them together, even when they mess up, that tracks their ability to take the next step forward, and that gives them feedback, sometimes in the form praise, and sometimes in the form of correction, as they move forward.
P. 229
In regards to whether teen boys are more aggressive because of testosterone…
“the testosterone bias that seems to grant more privileges to boy teens actually sells them short in the long run. There is no good evidence that testosterone really does require teens to let off steam or to take more risks. So when parents believe a teen son is, by nature, aggressive, impulsive, or prone to risk taking, parents not only send a message that such behavior is OK, they also forgo the scaffolding that would help team boys, practice restraint, and respect.“ In other words, the past acceptance or belief that testosterone requires/causes boys to be more aggressive is probably just cultural.
P. 240 “Thresholders”
What teens focus on, what interests they pursue, and what fills them with passion determine how the brain is modeled and remodeled.
By the time teen reaches the age of 18, the mass of neurons has undergone substantial pruning. But the neural networks for impulse and emotion control, or not yet at full adult strength. Which happens about the age of 24 before the brain functions as an adult brain.
This period of continued brain refinement offers, crucial positive features. Thresholders enjoy a heightened sensitivity to new people and new places and new ideas… Their brains, absorb new information, explore new meaning in familiar words, and invest importance in everything they learn.
Until they reach, at least the age of 24, young people occasionally require a parental scaffold… Parents suggest how issues might be solved, and be on hand to give feedback as a thresholder works on the solution… rather than the approach of, “you are now completely on your own”
They remain highly sensitive to their parent’s good opinion. They wish, even more than their parents, that they did not need support, but they do.
P. 246 they may be subject to, but unaware of, imposter syndrome. Explain it to them.
P. 254 my older teens/young adults might seem like they’re handling everything themselves. But I can say “I want to check in with you. It’s easy to miss things. How are you dealing with your challenges. It’s normal to feel scared and unsure. Crossing into adulthood is unpredictable and can feel like a maze rather than a path“
June 30, 2022
I found this book reassuring, practical, and helpful. As someone who believes in and practiced attachment parenting and is now looking for support and like-minded, experience-based suggestions as I parent three very different teens, I was searching for a book with research-based guidance, perspective and stories rooted in preserving that connection while letting the relationship transform to support my kids increased autonomy and independence. This was it.
It also provided me with some tools and perspective to manage my own challenging emotions as I move through the bittersweet transition from raising children to supporting teens on their path to adulthood.
I appreciate that the author doesn’t attempt to present rules or a blueprint and rather offers perspective that helps me understand myself and my teens and our dynamics a little better.
I only picked it up because it was on display at my favorite bookstore (the local, independent feminist Room of One’s Own in Madison WI), so many thanks to Room for their careful curation.
It also provided me with some tools and perspective to manage my own challenging emotions as I move through the bittersweet transition from raising children to supporting teens on their path to adulthood.
I appreciate that the author doesn’t attempt to present rules or a blueprint and rather offers perspective that helps me understand myself and my teens and our dynamics a little better.
I only picked it up because it was on display at my favorite bookstore (the local, independent feminist Room of One’s Own in Madison WI), so many thanks to Room for their careful curation.
April 17, 2022
I found this book to have very little new-to-me information. Some I remembered from psychology or lifespan/health classes in college. Most of it is intuitive (e.g. if the parent is rude and dismissive to their teen, you get one guess as to how the teen will respond. 🙄 )
It's still good information and probably a lot more useful to someone who does not have a psychology degree & regularly works with teens.
It's still good information and probably a lot more useful to someone who does not have a psychology degree & regularly works with teens.
October 19, 2022
Great resource - I love the latest science and tools Terri Apter packed into her book. She helps parents understand what is really happening physiologically as teens mature and debunks outdated information, such as teens merely being "hormonal." She also gives examples of real conversations to make those tough topics easier and more natural to discuss, identifies what effective consequences are (and aren't) and most of all, shows how to really foster connection with teens.
March 16, 2022
Such a brilliant book on understanding teenagers. I certainly learned much from it, the exercises at the end of chapters were helpful.
I would recommend it to all parents of teenagers!
I received this book from Netgalley in return for a honest review.
I would recommend it to all parents of teenagers!
I received this book from Netgalley in return for a honest review.
July 18, 2022
The most helpful book so far on understanding the teen years, and being empathetic and connected.
Really comes down to listening to your kids with the same patience and care as you did when they were four. They just need love, still.
Really comes down to listening to your kids with the same patience and care as you did when they were four. They just need love, still.
July 29, 2022
This book helped me understand more about the teen brain and their emotions. However, I didn’t learn a lot of tangible things I could. Though, what I did take away from this is to not diminish a teen’s feeling and not to take on a teen’s feelings even when it hurts you as a parent.
January 12, 2022
Should be required reading for parents of teenagers.
February 25, 2022
Balanced, straightforward and relevant, this book needs to be read right after Phyllis Fagell's Middle School matters.
Review copy provided by the publisher.
Review copy provided by the publisher.
August 26, 2023
Read veraciously this morning and took copious notes. So helpful.
March 17, 2025
Some good info. Nothing groundbreaking.
June 28, 2022
The Teen Interpreter... Exceptional guide to the inner workings of a young adult's brain, suggestions on how to encourage conversation and learn from teens, and brief mentions of studies offering solutions to challenging teen issues. Great explanations that explains why teens encounter such powerful emotions and how they cope with their changing minds and bodies. Backed by science but explained in a conversational tone that is easy for anyone to understand.
Displaying 1 - 13 of 13 reviews