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Year of the Nurse: A Covid-19 Pandemic Memoir
Year of the Nurse is Cassie Alexander's poignant effort to come to grips with suicidal ideation and PTSD after being a covid nurse in an ICU in 2020.
I'm writing this third person like I give a shit. I don't. This is my therapy book. I'm writing it for me, and for every other nurse out there who is angry at how last year went down. I see you. You are not alone.
In addition to being a nurse, I'm a professional author, and I kept track of last year as it was happening. So maybe laypeople can peek in a bit and understand what it was like to have portions of your country and family betray you while you went and risked your life.
Here's how it begins:
On April 25th, 2021 at 10:55 in the morning I messaged my girl’s chat group from where I work as a nurse on an ICU floor: “Nothing like feeling strongly suicidal at a job where you’re supposed to be keeping people alive,” and then tweeted that my “mental health wasn’t great” and deleted the twitter app off of my phone because I didn’t want to “overshare.”
That I felt like dying.
That I would’ve rather died than still be at work.
***
There were roughly four million nurses in America, as of last year.
Only 2.7 million soldiers fought in the Vietnam War.
Soldiers who came back from Vietnam, after having witnessed -- and in some cases, participated in – atrocities were changed forever.
It would be foolhardy to believe that you could send four million people into a wartime equivalent, without there being psychological consequences.
And yet, that’s what America has done.
We spent a year battling a largely unknown assailant, running low on gear, haunted by the fact that we could bring something deadly home, and getting coughed on by people who pretended that our fights were imaginary and, worse yet, that our struggles – watching people die, day after day, no matter what we did -- were literally unreal.
Nurses are fucked up.
We are going to continue to be fucked up for quite some time.
And unless there’s an acknowledgement and a reckoning, healthcare as we know it in America’s going to be hamstrung for the next decade.
I do not know a single nurse who doesn’t want another job right now. (If you don’t and you’re reading this, if you’re a pedi-nurse or something, congrats. Know that I am very jealous of you and your job satisfaction.)
Even before covid, burn out levels in nurses were epic. In 2018 31.5% of those 4 million nurses changed jobs due to burn out.
A fleeing brain drain is happening right now as I type, as nurses across the nation figure out what their safety and well-being looks like for them. Some people will wind up being stay-at-home-parents, some will go into R&D, and others will just retire a few years earlier then they had planned to, because there’s nothing like watching people die for year to make you think maybe you should go and live. (Unless you’re me, and yeah, we’ll get to that.)
And?
A large number of us hate a large number of you. (Although likely not the ‘you’ reading this book.)
If you spent your pandemic fighting masks, voting for Trump, or going on vacation? Those of us with the blood you caused on our hands actively wish you ill.
I’m just being honest.
We’re going to remember, as we all go into this, our first safe summer.
Because, unlike you, some of us will never get to forget.
This really is a therapy book, and I really was (am?) suicidal. But unlike many in my nursing cohort who got through 2020, I am also a professional writer. I don’t know what I’m thinking half the time unless I write it down -- so I do.
And I kept track of what was happening with me last year. I’m going to go back and cull through my personal journals, emails, and tweets, and share what being a nurse in 2020 was like with you. This book is going to be a kind of scrapbook in that sense, in that I have ancillary material that I’ll quote and share here, in addition to my original thoughts upon it. (Note: I won’t be cleaning up the grammar and spelling mistakes in my tweets, as they’re a matter of public record.)
A lot of it is going to be immediate, and a lot of it is going to be raw.
I’m not here to make apologies about how angry this book will be. I can’t, not when that’s the reason I’m writing it. Because I need to do something, anything, to quench this ember of hate I have in my heart. Jesus can’t touch it and neither can love.
I need someone – you, if you’re reading this – to try and go there with me. I want to take you along and show you what it was like. I want to make you feel my fear and desperation, and this is going to be a ride far more intense than any Stephen King novel.
You might learn some shit along the way – but mostly I just want to not be so alone.
I know a lot of people want to shut the door on the past and move on the future, but to that I say, “How can I?” When this thread of betrayal that this country ...
I'm writing this third person like I give a shit. I don't. This is my therapy book. I'm writing it for me, and for every other nurse out there who is angry at how last year went down. I see you. You are not alone.
In addition to being a nurse, I'm a professional author, and I kept track of last year as it was happening. So maybe laypeople can peek in a bit and understand what it was like to have portions of your country and family betray you while you went and risked your life.
Here's how it begins:
On April 25th, 2021 at 10:55 in the morning I messaged my girl’s chat group from where I work as a nurse on an ICU floor: “Nothing like feeling strongly suicidal at a job where you’re supposed to be keeping people alive,” and then tweeted that my “mental health wasn’t great” and deleted the twitter app off of my phone because I didn’t want to “overshare.”
That I felt like dying.
That I would’ve rather died than still be at work.
***
There were roughly four million nurses in America, as of last year.
Only 2.7 million soldiers fought in the Vietnam War.
Soldiers who came back from Vietnam, after having witnessed -- and in some cases, participated in – atrocities were changed forever.
It would be foolhardy to believe that you could send four million people into a wartime equivalent, without there being psychological consequences.
And yet, that’s what America has done.
We spent a year battling a largely unknown assailant, running low on gear, haunted by the fact that we could bring something deadly home, and getting coughed on by people who pretended that our fights were imaginary and, worse yet, that our struggles – watching people die, day after day, no matter what we did -- were literally unreal.
Nurses are fucked up.
We are going to continue to be fucked up for quite some time.
And unless there’s an acknowledgement and a reckoning, healthcare as we know it in America’s going to be hamstrung for the next decade.
I do not know a single nurse who doesn’t want another job right now. (If you don’t and you’re reading this, if you’re a pedi-nurse or something, congrats. Know that I am very jealous of you and your job satisfaction.)
Even before covid, burn out levels in nurses were epic. In 2018 31.5% of those 4 million nurses changed jobs due to burn out.
A fleeing brain drain is happening right now as I type, as nurses across the nation figure out what their safety and well-being looks like for them. Some people will wind up being stay-at-home-parents, some will go into R&D, and others will just retire a few years earlier then they had planned to, because there’s nothing like watching people die for year to make you think maybe you should go and live. (Unless you’re me, and yeah, we’ll get to that.)
And?
A large number of us hate a large number of you. (Although likely not the ‘you’ reading this book.)
If you spent your pandemic fighting masks, voting for Trump, or going on vacation? Those of us with the blood you caused on our hands actively wish you ill.
I’m just being honest.
We’re going to remember, as we all go into this, our first safe summer.
Because, unlike you, some of us will never get to forget.
This really is a therapy book, and I really was (am?) suicidal. But unlike many in my nursing cohort who got through 2020, I am also a professional writer. I don’t know what I’m thinking half the time unless I write it down -- so I do.
And I kept track of what was happening with me last year. I’m going to go back and cull through my personal journals, emails, and tweets, and share what being a nurse in 2020 was like with you. This book is going to be a kind of scrapbook in that sense, in that I have ancillary material that I’ll quote and share here, in addition to my original thoughts upon it. (Note: I won’t be cleaning up the grammar and spelling mistakes in my tweets, as they’re a matter of public record.)
A lot of it is going to be immediate, and a lot of it is going to be raw.
I’m not here to make apologies about how angry this book will be. I can’t, not when that’s the reason I’m writing it. Because I need to do something, anything, to quench this ember of hate I have in my heart. Jesus can’t touch it and neither can love.
I need someone – you, if you’re reading this – to try and go there with me. I want to take you along and show you what it was like. I want to make you feel my fear and desperation, and this is going to be a ride far more intense than any Stephen King novel.
You might learn some shit along the way – but mostly I just want to not be so alone.
I know a lot of people want to shut the door on the past and move on the future, but to that I say, “How can I?” When this thread of betrayal that this country ...
416 pages, Kindle Edition
First published July 19, 2021
203 people are currently reading
708 people want to read
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August 5, 2023
این کتاب...
خوندن این کتاب کار آسونی نبود. نه وقتی دو سال از زندگی ما درگیر همین بیماری بوده و هنوز اونقدری ازش نگذشته که نگرانیهاش و مرگهای زیادش رو یادمون رفته باشه و تبدیل به یه خاطرهی دور شده باشه.
ولی به نظرم خیلی لازم بود نوشته شدن این کتاب!
نویسندهی این کتاب توی دوران کرونا پرستار آیسیو بوده و مستقیما با بیمارای کرونا، خانوادههاشون، آماده نبودن دنیا برای مقابله با این ویروس و تاثیر منفی سیاست مدارا روی مقابله باهاش و مردن تعداد خیلی زیادی آدم در ارتباط بوده.
به عنوان یه آدم عادی که تنها درگیریش با کرونا تلاشش برای دوری ازش با ماسک و توی خونه موندن بوده (هرچند بازم سه بار گرفتمش) و نگرانی برای اعضای دیگهی خانواده و فامیل که مراقب نبودن بوده...خوندن از دیدگاه کسایی که مستقیم میرفتن به منبع ویروس و نهایت تلاششون رو میکردن تا بقیهی آدما زنده بمونن یا حداقل با آرامش بمیرن...هم ترسناک بود هم لازم.
خوندن توییتایی که اون زمان زده بود، نگرانیش برای هیچوقت تموم نشدن کرونا، نحوهی برخورد بقیهی آدما باهاش، خاطراتش از بیمارای مختلفش...در کل این کتاب خیلی خوب بود.
و از اونجایی که خود نویسنده دوست نداره بهش بگن "قهرمان"، منم نمیگم ولی واقعا پرستارا و پزشکا آدمای فوقالعادهای بودن که با این بیماری مقابله کردن:)
آهان یه چیز دیگه...
اوایل کناب وقتی نویسنده توضیح میداد که مدیریت خیلی بد "ترامپ" چقدر باعث شده اوضاعشون بدتر بشه...قشنگ درکش میکردم. چون ما هم توی کشوری بودیم که کرونا توش افتضاح مدیریت شد!
ولی بعد وقتی واکسن فایزر زدن و اوضاعشون بهتر شد و مردم ما شش هفت ماه بعد از اون هم درگیر همین بیماری بودن، حس بدی بود!
که اصلیترین واکسن برای مقابله با یه چیز جهانی، هیچوقت به مردم ما نرسید و ما تا چندین ماه بعدش هنوز با اضطراب زندگی کردیم.
خیلی خوشحالم که این کتاب نوشته شده. نه فقط به خاطر خودمون که الان میتونیم بخونیم، بیشتر به خاطر اینکه چند دهه دیگه، کسایی که توی اون دوران حتی زنده نبودن میتونن بخونن و بدونن این دورام برای ماها چطوری بوده.
خیلی از نویسنده و همهی اعضای کادر درمان ممنونم که با اینکه اندازهی ما نمیدونستن قراره چی بشه و مثل ما ترسیده بودن و همونقدر که ما خانوادههامونو دوست داشتیم و حتی بیشتر سلامت خانواده هاشون براشون مهم بود، بازم رفتن و بازم نهایت تلاششون رو برای کمک کردن به آدما کردن!
و متاسفم برای همهی خانوادههایی که عزیزاشونو به این ویروس از دست دادن.
امیدوارم آدمای بیشتری این کتابو بخونن...
خوندن این کتاب کار آسونی نبود. نه وقتی دو سال از زندگی ما درگیر همین بیماری بوده و هنوز اونقدری ازش نگذشته که نگرانیهاش و مرگهای زیادش رو یادمون رفته باشه و تبدیل به یه خاطرهی دور شده باشه.
ولی به نظرم خیلی لازم بود نوشته شدن این کتاب!
نویسندهی این کتاب توی دوران کرونا پرستار آیسیو بوده و مستقیما با بیمارای کرونا، خانوادههاشون، آماده نبودن دنیا برای مقابله با این ویروس و تاثیر منفی سیاست مدارا روی مقابله باهاش و مردن تعداد خیلی زیادی آدم در ارتباط بوده.
به عنوان یه آدم عادی که تنها درگیریش با کرونا تلاشش برای دوری ازش با ماسک و توی خونه موندن بوده (هرچند بازم سه بار گرفتمش) و نگرانی برای اعضای دیگهی خانواده و فامیل که مراقب نبودن بوده...خوندن از دیدگاه کسایی که مستقیم میرفتن به منبع ویروس و نهایت تلاششون رو میکردن تا بقیهی آدما زنده بمونن یا حداقل با آرامش بمیرن...هم ترسناک بود هم لازم.
خوندن توییتایی که اون زمان زده بود، نگرانیش برای هیچوقت تموم نشدن کرونا، نحوهی برخورد بقیهی آدما باهاش، خاطراتش از بیمارای مختلفش...در کل این کتاب خیلی خوب بود.
و از اونجایی که خود نویسنده دوست نداره بهش بگن "قهرمان"، منم نمیگم ولی واقعا پرستارا و پزشکا آدمای فوقالعادهای بودن که با این بیماری مقابله کردن:)
آهان یه چیز دیگه...
اوایل کناب وقتی نویسنده توضیح میداد که مدیریت خیلی بد "ترامپ" چقدر باعث شده اوضاعشون بدتر بشه...قشنگ درکش میکردم. چون ما هم توی کشوری بودیم که کرونا توش افتضاح مدیریت شد!
ولی بعد وقتی واکسن فایزر زدن و اوضاعشون بهتر شد و مردم ما شش هفت ماه بعد از اون هم درگیر همین بیماری بودن، حس بدی بود!
که اصلیترین واکسن برای مقابله با یه چیز جهانی، هیچوقت به مردم ما نرسید و ما تا چندین ماه بعدش هنوز با اضطراب زندگی کردیم.
خیلی خوشحالم که این کتاب نوشته شده. نه فقط به خاطر خودمون که الان میتونیم بخونیم، بیشتر به خاطر اینکه چند دهه دیگه، کسایی که توی اون دوران حتی زنده نبودن میتونن بخونن و بدونن این دورام برای ماها چطوری بوده.
خیلی از نویسنده و همهی اعضای کادر درمان ممنونم که با اینکه اندازهی ما نمیدونستن قراره چی بشه و مثل ما ترسیده بودن و همونقدر که ما خانوادههامونو دوست داشتیم و حتی بیشتر سلامت خانواده هاشون براشون مهم بود، بازم رفتن و بازم نهایت تلاششون رو برای کمک کردن به آدما کردن!
و متاسفم برای همهی خانوادههایی که عزیزاشونو به این ویروس از دست دادن.
امیدوارم آدمای بیشتری این کتابو بخونن...
August 25, 2021
This book was a difficult but amazing read. My heart goes out to the author and to all those who are working in healthcare while too much of the world can't be bothered to take even basic precautions.
This collection of tweets, journal entries and blog articles over the course of COVID's first year lets readers see the pandemic through the eyes of an ICU nurse who treated some of the sickest patients. We see the difficulties encountered by healthcare providers, and we see these difficulties compounded by people taking dangerous and inconsiderate risks, as well as by a healthcare system that runs on profit.
It's one thing to hear about COVID stressing hospitals in the abstract; it's quite another to see how this pandemic has affected the physical and mental health of medical providers. This raw and powerful memoir shows readers not just what the pandemic looked like, but also what it could feel like. You may need to take breaks while reading, but this one is definitely a must-read.
This collection of tweets, journal entries and blog articles over the course of COVID's first year lets readers see the pandemic through the eyes of an ICU nurse who treated some of the sickest patients. We see the difficulties encountered by healthcare providers, and we see these difficulties compounded by people taking dangerous and inconsiderate risks, as well as by a healthcare system that runs on profit.
It's one thing to hear about COVID stressing hospitals in the abstract; it's quite another to see how this pandemic has affected the physical and mental health of medical providers. This raw and powerful memoir shows readers not just what the pandemic looked like, but also what it could feel like. You may need to take breaks while reading, but this one is definitely a must-read.
August 10, 2021
I also worked as a covid nurse, and though our experiences were not exactly the same, this book helped me feel understood.
August 22, 2021
Poorly written, a disgrace to the nursing profession
The writer is very shallow and narrow minded. It was a democratic governor who sent the covid patients into the nursing home and killed my family member. I’ve been a Critical Care nurse for 21 years and this writers smut attitude would not be tolerated. Nurses are not in this alone. All bedside personnel have had to deal with this world wide pandemic. Many of them only make minimum wage but they suck it up and do their job. We are a team and we work together for the good of all of our patients. Not even deserve it of the one star rating.
The writer is very shallow and narrow minded. It was a democratic governor who sent the covid patients into the nursing home and killed my family member. I’ve been a Critical Care nurse for 21 years and this writers smut attitude would not be tolerated. Nurses are not in this alone. All bedside personnel have had to deal with this world wide pandemic. Many of them only make minimum wage but they suck it up and do their job. We are a team and we work together for the good of all of our patients. Not even deserve it of the one star rating.
July 30, 2021
Alexander has written a powerful memoir about 2020 and the COVID-19 pandemic. The book is a scrapbook of her tweets and entries from her journal, interspersed with tech-nerd essays about nursing and medicine. Even if you think you understand the medical crisis we all faced (and are still facing), you still need to read this book.
July 24, 2021
As someone disconnected from the medical field, I had a vague understanding that things were bad in hospitals last year, but this book gave much more context to just how stressful, horrifying, and traumatic the pandemic has been for medical workers. Read this if you want a better understanding of what ICU nurses actually had to deal with, including the disconnect between treating COVID patients while so much of the world ignored that the pandemic was happening.
With the increasingly alarming reports about the Delta variant, part of me wishes I'd waited to read this until we were truly out of the pandemic. This was emotionally draining, and maybe it would have been less overwhelming if I'd had more distance.
But since this is still our reality, the other part of me is glad I read it now. My heart aches for the trauma and stress medical workers are still going through. We're all ready for this to be over, but we don't want to pretend we're done prematurely. This book was a good reminder of what could happen if cases continue to trend upwards.
If you read this, know it will make you angry and grieved at how badly the US has failed our medical workers, especially since this is still happening and that so much of the stress and suffering could have been prevented.
I received a free copy of this book from the author and am voluntarily leaving a review.
With the increasingly alarming reports about the Delta variant, part of me wishes I'd waited to read this until we were truly out of the pandemic. This was emotionally draining, and maybe it would have been less overwhelming if I'd had more distance.
But since this is still our reality, the other part of me is glad I read it now. My heart aches for the trauma and stress medical workers are still going through. We're all ready for this to be over, but we don't want to pretend we're done prematurely. This book was a good reminder of what could happen if cases continue to trend upwards.
If you read this, know it will make you angry and grieved at how badly the US has failed our medical workers, especially since this is still happening and that so much of the stress and suffering could have been prevented.
I received a free copy of this book from the author and am voluntarily leaving a review.
November 10, 2022
3 1/2 stars. My main issue with this one is that it’s extremely long and very repetitive. For that reason I can’t rate it any higher, but 5 stars for the message and information.
I think we all went through a lot (except those who denied it was happening. I pretty much share her thoughts on those people). Honestly struggling to write a review that isn’t all about me because this is still so recent and even in a non medical setting, it was traumatic being an “essential” worker facing the public, so this stirred up a few emotions for me.
Cassie talks about politics a lot, which I can see hasn’t gone down well in some reviews, but I think it would be hard to separate it. Her frustration with her parents is relatable. I’m surprised she held it together as well as she did on her grueling work schedule and dealing with their pigheadedness too.
There’s some talk about patients, maybe not as much as you would expect, but it’s pretty sad reading. Mainly this is a very personal book and reads like much needed therapy for Cassie as she works through so many difficult things.
Even though I haven’t rated it super highly, I do think it’s an important book and highlights conditions nurses work under at the best of times, let alone during a pandemic.
I think we all went through a lot (except those who denied it was happening. I pretty much share her thoughts on those people). Honestly struggling to write a review that isn’t all about me because this is still so recent and even in a non medical setting, it was traumatic being an “essential” worker facing the public, so this stirred up a few emotions for me.
Cassie talks about politics a lot, which I can see hasn’t gone down well in some reviews, but I think it would be hard to separate it. Her frustration with her parents is relatable. I’m surprised she held it together as well as she did on her grueling work schedule and dealing with their pigheadedness too.
There’s some talk about patients, maybe not as much as you would expect, but it’s pretty sad reading. Mainly this is a very personal book and reads like much needed therapy for Cassie as she works through so many difficult things.
Even though I haven’t rated it super highly, I do think it’s an important book and highlights conditions nurses work under at the best of times, let alone during a pandemic.
October 3, 2021
Content warning: PTSD, suicidal ideation, COVID death, illness, bodily fluids, graphic discussion of medical procedures
Fucking harrowing as we get a front line view of the COVID pandemic from the very beginning through the first half of 2021. Nurses shouldn’t have to be this resilient.
Told across several bits of media from texts to tweets to blog posts, Cassie Alexander tells a brutally honest account of her experience working the COVID wards. What also works is how well Alexander knows her audience. There’s an empathy in the discussion and excellent laying out of specific terms and concepts. It’s easy to read from the standpoint of understanding the medicine, but difficult when it comes to even wrapping your mind around this lived experience.
This is the most important book I’ve read this year, and I don’t use that term lightly.
Fucking harrowing as we get a front line view of the COVID pandemic from the very beginning through the first half of 2021. Nurses shouldn’t have to be this resilient.
Told across several bits of media from texts to tweets to blog posts, Cassie Alexander tells a brutally honest account of her experience working the COVID wards. What also works is how well Alexander knows her audience. There’s an empathy in the discussion and excellent laying out of specific terms and concepts. It’s easy to read from the standpoint of understanding the medicine, but difficult when it comes to even wrapping your mind around this lived experience.
This is the most important book I’ve read this year, and I don’t use that term lightly.
November 13, 2024
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ (plus some 😡😭💔)
If you’ve ever wanted to read the real, honest, gritty, brutal, uncensored & unfiltered, curse words included, take from a COVID ICU bedside nurse from March 2020-summer 2021, this book is a must. I can’t recommend it enough for those who either want to learn or who want to be seen (🙋♀️) for all we went through.
I just finished it & nearly started applauding alone in my house. Phew. Also I hate absolutely everything from that time in my life. I highlighted so many sections, both in camaraderie & in sadness. Phew. Ugh. But I’m glad I read it, even if it took three years to be emotionally healed enough to go back to then.
If you’ve ever wanted to read the real, honest, gritty, brutal, uncensored & unfiltered, curse words included, take from a COVID ICU bedside nurse from March 2020-summer 2021, this book is a must. I can’t recommend it enough for those who either want to learn or who want to be seen (🙋♀️) for all we went through.
I just finished it & nearly started applauding alone in my house. Phew. Also I hate absolutely everything from that time in my life. I highlighted so many sections, both in camaraderie & in sadness. Phew. Ugh. But I’m glad I read it, even if it took three years to be emotionally healed enough to go back to then.
October 24, 2021
Year of the Nurse isn't the kind of book I normally read. I read fiction. Christian fiction. Year of the Nurse is a memoir written by a non-Christian. It's full of black humour and swearing, and blames a lot of stuff on God (and Trump, Fox News, and Evangelical Protestants in general).
In other words, it's everything I usually try and avoid in my recreational reading. Yet I was hooked from the opening page.
It's written by an ICU nurse in California who volunteered to nurse on the Covid ward in 2020, the Year of the Nurse as proclaimed by the World Health Organization to honour the 200th anniversary of the birth of Florence Nightingale.
The memoir is an edited compilation of her tweets, blog posts and private journal, interspersed with commentary about what it all means. Some of it is pretty technical, but the author has the ability to translate complex medical principles into language a non-professional can read and understand.
It's a hard read.
The author starts before the USA has its first case of Covid-19, when she's watching the TV news and sees nurses in Italy proning patients (positioning them on their stomachs). I saw those clips, but they didn't mean anything to me. Alexander explains why it's a big problem.
She talks about the early days, when the nurses didn't have enough PPE (and when they were told to reuse PPE in a way that would have gotten them fired three months earlier).
She talks about the easy times, and they're hard to read because I've watched the news and I know worse is coming (thanks anti-maskers, who refuse to understand that wearing a mask isn't about my rights. It's about protecting the sick and the elderly and the children).
She talks about the hard times, and they're hard to read because she's literally watching people die and can't do anything to save them. And it's hard to read because I've watched the news and I know worse is coming.
She talks about the relief she feels when a vaccine is announced and when she is able to get the vaccine, and it's hard to read because I've watched the news and I know worse is coming (thanks, anti-vaxxers who convince too many vaccine-hesitant that the vaccine has microchips or 5G or makes you magnetic or will kill you in three or five or twenty years).
She finishes in May 2021, when cases are down and the future is looking bright, and even that's hard to read because I've watched the news and I know worse is coming (thanks, Delta variant).
But the hardest part to read is how far she has gone from the Christian faith she was raised with, and I wonder how many other people have lost their faith because of actions of America's "Christian" right over the last five years.
We've recently commemorated the twentieth anniversary of 9/11, when 6,000 people were killed in four coordinated acts of terrorism. We celebrate the heroes of 9/11, the emergency workers who ran into the buildings when everyone else was running out.
Yet more American healthcare workers have died of Covid-19 in the last eighteen months than everyone who died in 9/11. And we're not celebrating those heroes. They're ignored at best and vilified at words, like Vietnam veterans. all while they're trying to save lives. Christians, we are called to care for the widows and orphans, to love our neighbour as ourselves, and to draw people into the kingdom of God. Not to spread disease and make widows and orphans, and to turn people away from God.
Recommended for readers who want to better understand the difficulties faced by healthcare workers, those who'd like an inside look at healthcare in the pandemic, and Fox News viewers who can't understand why so many people disagree with them.
In other words, it's everything I usually try and avoid in my recreational reading. Yet I was hooked from the opening page.
It's written by an ICU nurse in California who volunteered to nurse on the Covid ward in 2020, the Year of the Nurse as proclaimed by the World Health Organization to honour the 200th anniversary of the birth of Florence Nightingale.
The memoir is an edited compilation of her tweets, blog posts and private journal, interspersed with commentary about what it all means. Some of it is pretty technical, but the author has the ability to translate complex medical principles into language a non-professional can read and understand.
It's a hard read.
The author starts before the USA has its first case of Covid-19, when she's watching the TV news and sees nurses in Italy proning patients (positioning them on their stomachs). I saw those clips, but they didn't mean anything to me. Alexander explains why it's a big problem.
She talks about the early days, when the nurses didn't have enough PPE (and when they were told to reuse PPE in a way that would have gotten them fired three months earlier).
She talks about the easy times, and they're hard to read because I've watched the news and I know worse is coming (thanks anti-maskers, who refuse to understand that wearing a mask isn't about my rights. It's about protecting the sick and the elderly and the children).
She talks about the hard times, and they're hard to read because she's literally watching people die and can't do anything to save them. And it's hard to read because I've watched the news and I know worse is coming.
She talks about the relief she feels when a vaccine is announced and when she is able to get the vaccine, and it's hard to read because I've watched the news and I know worse is coming (thanks, anti-vaxxers who convince too many vaccine-hesitant that the vaccine has microchips or 5G or makes you magnetic or will kill you in three or five or twenty years).
She finishes in May 2021, when cases are down and the future is looking bright, and even that's hard to read because I've watched the news and I know worse is coming (thanks, Delta variant).
But the hardest part to read is how far she has gone from the Christian faith she was raised with, and I wonder how many other people have lost their faith because of actions of America's "Christian" right over the last five years.
We've recently commemorated the twentieth anniversary of 9/11, when 6,000 people were killed in four coordinated acts of terrorism. We celebrate the heroes of 9/11, the emergency workers who ran into the buildings when everyone else was running out.
Yet more American healthcare workers have died of Covid-19 in the last eighteen months than everyone who died in 9/11. And we're not celebrating those heroes. They're ignored at best and vilified at words, like Vietnam veterans. all while they're trying to save lives. Christians, we are called to care for the widows and orphans, to love our neighbour as ourselves, and to draw people into the kingdom of God. Not to spread disease and make widows and orphans, and to turn people away from God.
Recommended for readers who want to better understand the difficulties faced by healthcare workers, those who'd like an inside look at healthcare in the pandemic, and Fox News viewers who can't understand why so many people disagree with them.
August 15, 2021
An uncomfortable, necessary read
A personal, firsthand account from the frontlines and the toll it took on those who are there to care for us. To those who wouldn't lift a finger to protect others as you would yourself, and to those who continue to push the lies about the ineffectiveness of masks and vaccines while being the first in line for both, I just can't express how horrible you are. You need to read what went on this past year and consider it didn't have to happen and it is still happening. You need to own up to what you did. As a person who masks, got vaccines as soon as possible, did all the right things, and continues to mask up; I thought I knew something. This book showed me how woefully ignorant I was and still am. If you did everything I did, get this book and settle in for a very uncomfortable ride where you will experience the range of the emotional spectrum. You will need to set it down often, but you will finish it because you will be compelled to honor the hwc in the trenches.
A personal, firsthand account from the frontlines and the toll it took on those who are there to care for us. To those who wouldn't lift a finger to protect others as you would yourself, and to those who continue to push the lies about the ineffectiveness of masks and vaccines while being the first in line for both, I just can't express how horrible you are. You need to read what went on this past year and consider it didn't have to happen and it is still happening. You need to own up to what you did. As a person who masks, got vaccines as soon as possible, did all the right things, and continues to mask up; I thought I knew something. This book showed me how woefully ignorant I was and still am. If you did everything I did, get this book and settle in for a very uncomfortable ride where you will experience the range of the emotional spectrum. You will need to set it down often, but you will finish it because you will be compelled to honor the hwc in the trenches.
July 31, 2021
This past year has been physically and emotionally draining, and I've just been on the periphery of everything, hiding out. I don't even have words to express the combination of gratitude for the people (healthcare, essential services, teachers, and so many more) working on the front lines of the pandemic, and dismay at what they had to experience. To me, this was an important book to read.
October 4, 2021
could have been amazing as very, very interesting content. However, Cassie made it more about "her" than the profession or patients. Way too much foul language, brow beating politics & religion. Would NOT recommend it. Difficult to believe she considers herself an author.
July 19, 2021
Note: I received an advanced copy of this book. I read quickly, but not that quickly.
And this is not a book to read quickly. Quite a few times, I put it down to put myself back in the moments described, guideposts for what experience of mine I could share with Cassie. While 2020 was hard for everyone, as every advertisement ever likes to remind us, it was disheartening, impossible, and deadly for nurses.
Like Cassie says, you have to be a bit of a rubbernecker to be an ICU nurse, and similarly I was very interested in what her experience was- there was news coverage of what our "heroes" were doing in 2020, but not nearly enough, as she relates.
This book is a textual scrapbook of her experience, from headlines to group chats to private journals. It was not always an easy thing to read, as someone who empathizes strongly with people, but it was a very important and enlightening thing to read.
As we continue in the pandemic, as it turns bad again, anyone interested in reading this book will want to know this experience, this mindset. We're all so tired. But this perspective is so, so important. Even the "luckier" nurses, geographically, resource-wise, or administration-wise, were ground to the bone in 2020. We can't let them down, not when protecting them is so easy.
Read the book. That's really, after 2020, watching the Delta variant numbers rising, that's all I've got.
And this is not a book to read quickly. Quite a few times, I put it down to put myself back in the moments described, guideposts for what experience of mine I could share with Cassie. While 2020 was hard for everyone, as every advertisement ever likes to remind us, it was disheartening, impossible, and deadly for nurses.
Like Cassie says, you have to be a bit of a rubbernecker to be an ICU nurse, and similarly I was very interested in what her experience was- there was news coverage of what our "heroes" were doing in 2020, but not nearly enough, as she relates.
This book is a textual scrapbook of her experience, from headlines to group chats to private journals. It was not always an easy thing to read, as someone who empathizes strongly with people, but it was a very important and enlightening thing to read.
As we continue in the pandemic, as it turns bad again, anyone interested in reading this book will want to know this experience, this mindset. We're all so tired. But this perspective is so, so important. Even the "luckier" nurses, geographically, resource-wise, or administration-wise, were ground to the bone in 2020. We can't let them down, not when protecting them is so easy.
Read the book. That's really, after 2020, watching the Delta variant numbers rising, that's all I've got.
July 27, 2021
Must-Read Nursing Memoir of COVID-19 Pandemic
Compellingly told in chronological order of events (with insight from the present), this memoir of nursing through a pandemic emphasizes how incredible the toll has been on healthcare workers and how unnecessarily the degree of difficulty was amplified in so many ways.
Compellingly told in chronological order of events (with insight from the present), this memoir of nursing through a pandemic emphasizes how incredible the toll has been on healthcare workers and how unnecessarily the degree of difficulty was amplified in so many ways.
October 3, 2021
I would have liked to read it but instead of hospital happenings, she went too much into politics.
November 4, 2021
Heartbreaking and beautiful and scary and so, so amazing. I want to hug the author. It's fine. We're both vaccinated.
September 12, 2021
A valuable account of the (first wave of the) Covid pandemic, from an ICU nurse, based on the journal she kept and the tweets she posted at the time. Her stories, her frustration, and her anger are similar to what I heard from my ER nurse friend in real time. The author brings us into the ICU to see what really happens when a patient is intubated, what really happens when the family finally decides to 'pull the plug' (it's not an instant peaceful slipping away), and all in the context of hospitals with shortages of PPE and other necessities.
It's not easy reading. It isn't just the content, but the style - it's like reading a whole long discussion thread on the internet, so you get repetition, stream of consciousness stuff, and lots of emotional reactions and politics. (The fact that I'm reading it on my phone adds to that sensation.) The author is frustrated with Trump's nonsense, and also with the regular people who refuse to take Covid seriously.
I do recommend this, especially for people who are on the fence about Covid precautions. I don't think it will convince hard core talk radio listeners; I see some 1-star reviewers complaining about the outspoken politics in the book.
Update: After the library took this one back, a friend lent it to me so I could finish it. I couldn't get through it in the 21 days allotted, and other people were waiting for it so I couldn't renew it. This isn't 3 weeks worth of reading, but I kept putting it down.
The third of it that I read after writing my original review above was more of the same, up to about the 3/4 mark, when it transitioned from Cassie at the hospital dealing with Covid day by day to Cassie on mental health leave once vaccines were widely available and the numbers were going down. It's less repetitive because she wrote more of it intentionally for the book. It provides some insight into the challenges people face getting therapy, even if they have money and insurance, and it's a glimpse into life with depression. There are plenty of mental health memoirs out there, so the last quarter of the book felt less fresh than the rest. By the time I got there, I was ready to be done with the book.
The author ends with some recommendations for the healthcare industry and some for the general public; the latter boils down to listen to the science.
It's not easy reading. It isn't just the content, but the style - it's like reading a whole long discussion thread on the internet, so you get repetition, stream of consciousness stuff, and lots of emotional reactions and politics. (The fact that I'm reading it on my phone adds to that sensation.) The author is frustrated with Trump's nonsense, and also with the regular people who refuse to take Covid seriously.
I think about that a lot now, in our "I've got to see it with my own two eyes!" society that we're in. About how people can't believe what they see unless it happens, and profoundly enough at that, to someone they know.The same things that perplex her also perplex me. How do we get past this national belief that my uninformed opinion is as valuable as actual information from people who spend their whole lives studying a topic?
I do recommend this, especially for people who are on the fence about Covid precautions. I don't think it will convince hard core talk radio listeners; I see some 1-star reviewers complaining about the outspoken politics in the book.
Update: After the library took this one back, a friend lent it to me so I could finish it. I couldn't get through it in the 21 days allotted, and other people were waiting for it so I couldn't renew it. This isn't 3 weeks worth of reading, but I kept putting it down.
The third of it that I read after writing my original review above was more of the same, up to about the 3/4 mark, when it transitioned from Cassie at the hospital dealing with Covid day by day to Cassie on mental health leave once vaccines were widely available and the numbers were going down. It's less repetitive because she wrote more of it intentionally for the book. It provides some insight into the challenges people face getting therapy, even if they have money and insurance, and it's a glimpse into life with depression. There are plenty of mental health memoirs out there, so the last quarter of the book felt less fresh than the rest. By the time I got there, I was ready to be done with the book.
The author ends with some recommendations for the healthcare industry and some for the general public; the latter boils down to listen to the science.
March 10, 2022
This was a memoir, and rightly so, this book was strictly about the author, her experiences, and her beliefs. She also prefaced her book with “notices” about confidentiality and grammatical intent—all honorable. However, in her “notices” she attacks the reader with her aggressive POV, and suggests anyone who disagrees with her to “get a refund.”
While it’s totally within her right to share whatever she wants to, she was not an inviting author. She disclosed that much of what we would be reading in the book were her raw, angry feelings while surviving her job during the pandemic. My heart goes out to all medical workers who had to endure the situations she did. It was unimaginable and the natural responses to what she went through segued to suicidal thoughts and PTSD. She was entirely transparent and shared without shame, which is admirable.
Unfortunately, the abundant, unnecessary foul language and trash-talk about others completely shed an unfavorable light on herself and everything she presented in her book. I found myself so disturbed over her hateful attitude, that the rest of the book’s contents were lost on me. I looked forward to reading this book and it was a let-down and disappointing.
Her writing style is not for me, nor would I recommend anyone read this book—unless they, too, proudly spew hateful trashy, foul language to anyone who disagrees with them. It did serve to remind me that we will never influence the best in others by demeaning people who have opposite POV. A decent writer she is not.
If I had purchased this book instead of borrowing it from the library, I would be taking the author’s suggestion and getting my “refund.”
While it’s totally within her right to share whatever she wants to, she was not an inviting author. She disclosed that much of what we would be reading in the book were her raw, angry feelings while surviving her job during the pandemic. My heart goes out to all medical workers who had to endure the situations she did. It was unimaginable and the natural responses to what she went through segued to suicidal thoughts and PTSD. She was entirely transparent and shared without shame, which is admirable.
Unfortunately, the abundant, unnecessary foul language and trash-talk about others completely shed an unfavorable light on herself and everything she presented in her book. I found myself so disturbed over her hateful attitude, that the rest of the book’s contents were lost on me. I looked forward to reading this book and it was a let-down and disappointing.
Her writing style is not for me, nor would I recommend anyone read this book—unless they, too, proudly spew hateful trashy, foul language to anyone who disagrees with them. It did serve to remind me that we will never influence the best in others by demeaning people who have opposite POV. A decent writer she is not.
If I had purchased this book instead of borrowing it from the library, I would be taking the author’s suggestion and getting my “refund.”
October 29, 2021
I wish more people would read this book.
Now, saying that...comes with some caveats.
This book is NOT an easy read. I enjoyed the honesty and the boots on the ground perspective, BUT the author/ICU nurse has a "no holds barred" attitude. She is RAW. She cusses like a sailor, but through it all, the humanity in this woman is NEVER lost. She's a nurse, and her job is to save as many lives as she can...and COVID-19 has been so mismanaged, that the anger and frustration has to be vented somewhere. Hence the book.
I don't always agree with her political views, nor do I ever agree with her religious views, but I do believe her. This should not have happened, when it did, it should've been handled with more love and care for the people dying. AND, we as a culture NEED to secure our future, by protecting and supporting our nurses. The callous ways that our hospitals have treated them is criminal.
SO, if you are like me...want to learn from the past mistakes and listen to those who have the answers (bc they dealt head on with the problem), then read this book.
I usually breeze through books in a day or two. This one took me longer, because the topic was so heavy and REAL. We all lived through this time period, but most of us have been sheltered from this "up close and personal" experience with non-stop death. I had to step away. Imagine being a nurse...during COVID-19 and NOT being able to step away.
Please read this book. It was an eye-opener for me.
I have always worn my mask and I got vaccinated...and have been encouraging others to do so too, but some people don't listen and NEVER think anything bad will ever happen to them...until it does.
Thank you, Cassie for this book. Much appreciated. You are in my thoughts and prayers (along with all our nurses and healthcare workers). Thank you for standing in the breach for us.
Now, saying that...comes with some caveats.
This book is NOT an easy read. I enjoyed the honesty and the boots on the ground perspective, BUT the author/ICU nurse has a "no holds barred" attitude. She is RAW. She cusses like a sailor, but through it all, the humanity in this woman is NEVER lost. She's a nurse, and her job is to save as many lives as she can...and COVID-19 has been so mismanaged, that the anger and frustration has to be vented somewhere. Hence the book.
I don't always agree with her political views, nor do I ever agree with her religious views, but I do believe her. This should not have happened, when it did, it should've been handled with more love and care for the people dying. AND, we as a culture NEED to secure our future, by protecting and supporting our nurses. The callous ways that our hospitals have treated them is criminal.
SO, if you are like me...want to learn from the past mistakes and listen to those who have the answers (bc they dealt head on with the problem), then read this book.
I usually breeze through books in a day or two. This one took me longer, because the topic was so heavy and REAL. We all lived through this time period, but most of us have been sheltered from this "up close and personal" experience with non-stop death. I had to step away. Imagine being a nurse...during COVID-19 and NOT being able to step away.
Please read this book. It was an eye-opener for me.
I have always worn my mask and I got vaccinated...and have been encouraging others to do so too, but some people don't listen and NEVER think anything bad will ever happen to them...until it does.
Thank you, Cassie for this book. Much appreciated. You are in my thoughts and prayers (along with all our nurses and healthcare workers). Thank you for standing in the breach for us.
January 19, 2023
This book is an immersive look at the life of an critical care nurse during COVID-19 from February 2020 to July 2021, giving a peek behind the hospital curtain of the realities of day-to-day life for our most vital frontline workers in the intensive care setting. A captivating, unique format of chronological journal entries, tweets, texts, news headlines and emails woven together in a story that is emotional and timely.
Working throughout the pandemic as a nurse on the absolute front-line, Cassandra Alexander fights tirelessly to save countless lives of those with COVID-19, but this nearly comes at the cost of her own. The mental toll of caring for the countries most critically ill resulting in her having to take a step back from the bedside due to post-traumatic stress disorder and recurrent suicidal thoughts in April of 2021
It’s raw, it’s angry and it’s real. Exploring the politicized nature of COVID-19 in America and the impact that this had on herself and other fellow healthcare workers. She describes the absolute terror of coming to work each day to discover extremely limited and scarce personal-protective equipment (PPE) and other resources. Oftentimes with the expectation to ration gowns and masks for herself and others.
Working throughout the pandemic as a nurse on the absolute front-line, Cassandra Alexander fights tirelessly to save countless lives of those with COVID-19, but this nearly comes at the cost of her own. The mental toll of caring for the countries most critically ill resulting in her having to take a step back from the bedside due to post-traumatic stress disorder and recurrent suicidal thoughts in April of 2021
It’s raw, it’s angry and it’s real. Exploring the politicized nature of COVID-19 in America and the impact that this had on herself and other fellow healthcare workers. She describes the absolute terror of coming to work each day to discover extremely limited and scarce personal-protective equipment (PPE) and other resources. Oftentimes with the expectation to ration gowns and masks for herself and others.
July 19, 2021
Full disclosure; I read an early version of this for free from the author.
That said, I think this is a desperately important book. It is emotionally grueling but at the same time, oddly validating, even though I'm not a nurse and have not had to put myself in danger during this pandemic.
Cassandra does a remarkable job of including headlines and tweets and essays that give context in a way that pulls you through the past over a year and lays out the case for the next health emergency that is coming for so many of us, even most of us don't recognize that yet. This book is a must-read, but be sure to take breaks while you do.
That said, I think this is a desperately important book. It is emotionally grueling but at the same time, oddly validating, even though I'm not a nurse and have not had to put myself in danger during this pandemic.
Cassandra does a remarkable job of including headlines and tweets and essays that give context in a way that pulls you through the past over a year and lays out the case for the next health emergency that is coming for so many of us, even most of us don't recognize that yet. This book is a must-read, but be sure to take breaks while you do.
November 26, 2023
Very raw autobiographical account of a year in the life of an ICU nurse during the COVID-19 epidemic. As a retired nurse, I have shared in some of the problems dealing with unresponsive healthcare systems. Because I retired in 2014, the horrors of COVID was not my experience. It was the experience of my ICU nurse granddaughter. Over the years I came to believe that we need universal healthcare because financial status should not determine who lives and who dies. Without having to support bloated C-Suite salaries and an entire industry that provides no service other than limited service options, we could provide necessary services to everyone. This book shows clearly the price our society paid for the poor choice our society paid.
July 27, 2021
This book is such a roller coaster ride of emotions as Cassie takes you on a journey through the Covid-19 Pandemic that completely took its toll on the world and the horrors that the nursing staff has been through and seen and the toll it has taken on there mental health throughout it all and it is still with us as cases are rising get again so the nurses have to carry on trying to save lives and make patient comfortable as they go through this deadly disease. This book is raw and the decisions that have to be taken of life and death and I felt so many emotions that I can't even describe how it made me feel as I felt I was there with Cassie on this journey and what she had to face day after day with no rest bits from the emotional toll that they are all facing. This pandemic has taken it's toll on the world with many deaths of our loved ones including my mum and all though she didn't die from Covid it still caused untold suffering for those left behind as everything had shut down and there was a travel ban which made it difficult for anyone to see there loved ones who died with none of there family around them except for these exceptional nurses who battled through regardless and there dedication is something that they should be totally proud of and I thank them from the bottom of my heart. Thank You Cassie for writing this book and for giving us an insight into your world as a nurse and I really appreciate the time that you have taken and as part of your subscribers newsletter I have be fortunate to read about your journey. I definitely recommend you read this book and you will definitely not be disappointed.
I received a free copy of this book via Booksprout and am voluntarily leaving a review.
I received a free copy of this book via Booksprout and am voluntarily leaving a review.
August 4, 2021
Very raw emotions, and so much righteous anger. As a nurse who was insulated from COVID for the most part, I felt like a fraud when I was hailed as a ‘hero’, and I knew it was so much worse for the nurses who were dealing with it. I want to give her a hug so bad, and tell her it will get better, but for all the reasons she talked about, I agree with her that we are never going back to the way things were. Wishing CA all the best in her writing career, and going to check out her other books.
August 4, 2021
The topic makes this a difficult read, but I am glad I did. The book chronicles a year in the life of an ICU nurse in 2020. Not too technical. Just the facts. Warning -- there are curse words. When writing about the year 2020 how can there not be cursing?
5 Stars
5 Stars
July 31, 2021
A definite must-read
This is a raw, frequently painful firsthand account of being an ICU nurse when COVID hit. If you don’t finish it both sad and absolutely furious for our healthcare workers and about how this pandemic was handled in the US, I seriously doubt your humanity. You will also learn a lot about a variety of ICU things and the references in the back are extremely comprehensive.
This is a raw, frequently painful firsthand account of being an ICU nurse when COVID hit. If you don’t finish it both sad and absolutely furious for our healthcare workers and about how this pandemic was handled in the US, I seriously doubt your humanity. You will also learn a lot about a variety of ICU things and the references in the back are extremely comprehensive.
December 3, 2022
As a CCU nurse who worked during Covid I have mixed feelings on this book. I work in a small rural area in WV and we were hit hard - I don’t ever remember a day going into work that we only had a handful of covid - there were months our 11 bed CCU never had a non-covid patient - right along with our ICU that held 7 patients. We referred to it as the covid crockpot. There were never days we got called off but there was plenty of overtime. Not to mention our little 120 bed hospital at one point was at least 90% capacity with just covid. There were so many nights “minor Ds” were called which is an alert letting you know there’s an issue within the hospital such as an influx of patients. The worst was a local nursing home - their Alzheimer’s ward had a break out and at least 17-20 little elderly people come in along with their doctor. This doctor had been living at the nursing home taking care of these sick patients all while he was positive himself and almost died on us because he wouldn’t leave his patients. This book isn’t perfect and it’s telling of another persons view of covid but there’s so much I wish she would tell. I wish so many people could see what it took to take care of these covid patients - especially during a code when you had your full isolation gear on and doing chest compressions for 45+ minutes.
January 3, 2024
DNF. Deserves -20 stars. What a disgrace. Written by a clearly educated woman with a horrific attitude. I was an RN in Covid and couldn’t imagine writing half of this garbage. She claims to want to heal people while telling half the country to go fuck themselves and die. What a miserable human being. I was actually looking forward to reading the perspective of an ICU nurse but this was nothing more than the rantings of an angry raging liberal spewing her political agenda, throwing insults at everyone around her including her own patients, with a VERY light sprinkle of real nursing.
March 25, 2022
A must read for everyone around the world who has come in contact with COVID-19 or had their lives upended by it! Cassandra Alexander’s harrowing experiences as an RN forced to make decisions on who lives and dies based on lack of supplies and support from our own government is frightening!! The anti-Vax/Mask wars have and continue to saddle put as much of a stranglehold on our nation as this pandemic does. I gave it 4 instead of 5 only because the language though I understand stand it -was at times overwhelmingly too much. Other than that, an eye-opening read from a hardworking, compassionate, diligent nurse begging our country to help save our lives and the lives of those around us by getting vaccinated and masking- not too much to ask.
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