Love Makes Room: And Other Things I Learned When My Daughter Came Out

by Staci Frenes

When Christian singer and speaker Staci Frenes learned her teenage daughter was gay, she found her dreams for the future--along with her lifelong faith--collapsing around her. Coming to terms with a new reality was a challenge--and an invitation--to make room for many things along the way: the inevitability of uncertainty, hope in the midst of loss, awkward and tough conversations, an expanding faith, and a greater understanding of how people are more the same than different.

In Love Makes Room, Frenes helps readers see that a reimagined future may look different than our old hoped-for pictures of ourselves and our families, but it can also be wider, deeper, and more fulfilling than we ever dreamed.

Genres: Memoir, LGBT, Nonfiction

240 pages, Paperback

Published May 11, 2021

About the author

Staci Frenes has cultivated a fruitful career filled with songs and stories as a songwriter, author, and speaker. A UC-Berkeley graduate, this former English teacher and mom weaves together the common threads of faith, creativity and loving outside our comfort zones in all of her work. Her first book, "Flourish", is a self-published collection of stories and insights about discovering and nurturing our creativity. Staci's most recent book reflects a season of deep, profound changes in her faith and family life: "Love Makes Room" (Broadleaf Books, available Spring of 2021), is a memoir and accidental guidebook for Christian parents and other loved ones of LGBTQ people, about coming to accept and understand her daughter's gay orientation within the context of her deeply-rooted Christian faith.

Reviews

[Willow Aster · Rating 5 out of 5]

This would be a hard book to write—no matter how open you are to sharing your life with people. But with the author being a Christian artist, it would be SO MUCH harder! Staci Frenes writes about her daughter coming out poignantly, the humor and the vulnerability ... and the love showing through on every page. I'm really grateful I got to read an early copy and that I can recommend this book to anyone going through something similar. Five huge stars.

[Marisa Peebles · Rating 5 out of 5]

Pros: very relevant to my life and a quick read

Cons: not waterproof for all the tears I shed

[Michelle Nelson · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book feels like an extension of my own self.

I grapple with “making room” in many areas of my life and admittedly, have not found a way thru with several groups of people.

But when it comes to the LGBTQ+ & Trans communities, my heart & mind grew open so very widely in the past couple of years, that I honestly feel sorry for anyone not there yet.

The 2nd last sentence in Staci’s book refers to her family as “transcendent, magical”, and that is exactly how I feel about my family.

We are free to be ourselves, express our identities true to who we really are, and to love who we want to love. We’re on the beginning stretch of the journey, but it’s already transcendent & magical.

I’m incredibly grateful to be here, & grateful for those who have made room for us.

I hope more of our friends & family decide to join us along the way.

thank you Staci

[Debra Boyd-Kaler · Rating 5 out of 5]

I feel blessed to have received an advanced copy of the book from the
publisher. This book is amazing! It is a beacon of hope. Hope that is
sorely needed in these times of adversity and discord among people.

The author leads us through her struggles of reconciling her long-held
beliefs of what the evangelical faith teaches us about homosexuality,
and her daughter’s coming out. I was also raised to believe that
homosexuality is a sin. “Love the sinner, hate the sin.” But I never
could understand why God wouldn’t love and accept us wholly. Why would
God create us this way, and then turn his back on us? I never truly
accepted this. I also couldn’t reconcile this with what I believed to be
true about God’s love.

At work, we call these courageous conversations, or listening sessions.
We talk about sexuality, gender, race. These are hard conversations, but
the focus is on listening and being open-minded to other people’s
experiences and perspectives. I hope this book will open minds and
hearts.

This book is an important step towards showing the secular and
Christian worlds a-like that God’s love is unconditional and unending.
Truth be told, I ugly cried more than once.

[Mandi Higgins · Rating 5 out of 5]

This beautifully written story and soul journey pulls at the heart strings and stimulates the brain strings. In the end this authentic and thoughtful telling of the struggle and deep love inevitably involved in this path is an important conversation that bridges staunch conservative church culture and the people God loves, and the people that love them. This is a story, a poem to love, an invitation to consider—not a debate, nor a prescriptive. Walk into a real world with real people with real hearts and faith. Let it wash over you and provoke your heart. Whatever you take away, you’ll be better for reading such elevated writing and getting to know one family’s story, representative of so many more.

[K.W. · Rating 5 out of 5]

To follow Staci's soulful and purposeful inner journey is an honor. The vulnerability, conviction, and humility she shares with us (and her witty, humorous delivery) is humbling and enlightening. The dialog shared between Staci and her daughter Abby is profound and invigorating (and again, quite humorous). She praises her daughter Abby's bravery in this book, and I would have to agree.

We all are susceptible to mercilessly holding on for dear life to our beliefs (regardless of how shallow minded or egotistical they may be). The fact she intentionally set out to challenge her own thoughts and beliefs through the love of our Savior and Father is so praiseworthy. To possess such self-awareness and grace is a true gift. And to challenge evangelical legalism? Courageous. Then publish a book about it? Fearless. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree; we see where Abby gets it from!

How lucky Abby is to have been blessed with a mom who loves so wholeheartedly - just as Jesus asks of us. And how lucky Staci is to have a daughter with such grace and love. God bless!

[Holly Hartman · Rating 5 out of 5]

I've long admired the author's skill with words as a songwriter, so when I heard she'd written a book I knew it would be beautiful.

Her journey through the heartache of letting go of long-held expectations and rediscovering what it means to love a child without reservation is shared with us. No holding back, in soul baring honesty.

This is a book that you might not think you need to read, but you should.

[Tara Herberth · Rating 5 out of 5]

I was lucky enough to receive a pre-read of this book and Staci’s authentic, no holds barred approach to this topic spoke to me in so many ways. Whether you are personally going through a similar experience or supporting someone who is, this is a must read!

[Angela · Rating 5 out of 5]

I was lucky enough to receive a pre-release copy from the publisher. It is astonishingly profound and rare to find a book that feels authentic from start to finish. This is unapologetically the author’s journey – honest, complex, messy, heartbreaking and healing – that is what makes it work. Anyone who has Evangelical influences, or wants to truly open their hearts to understanding, or is needing to be midwifed through an evolution of the heart by the momma of an LGBTQ+ child…READ THIS! You will experience change, you will gain empathy and you will feel supported. It’s like a slowly expanding glitter-bomb-of-a-love-story. I’m dusted from head-to-toe and sparkling from the impact!

[Denise · Rating 5 out of 5]

I received a copy of this book for review purposes and I have to say it was very well written. Staci is an amazing writer & mother to have written such an incredible story. Honestly I just can't believe how much she pulled me into her life with such honesty, emotion & love
~Denise

[Patrice · Rating 4 out of 5]

Thank you, Staci, for being so transparent and vulnerable. Many times throughout your heart felt story, I felt as if I was looking in a mirror. I felt a connection to you at several of your singing events; now I know why.
The heart of a Mom is a wondrous thing.

[Phil York]

Love Makes Room is a very honest and heartfelt read. I found that I was drawn forward in this book as I was eagerly awaiting the Staci's words of transformation and love. For anyone out there who is struggling with loving people "where they are at," I would recommend that this be the next book on your list.

[Jennifer Wilson · Rating 5 out of 5]

What does a mom do when it feels as though the two biggest parts of her life (faith & family) are pulling her in opposite directions? With honest vulnerability, Staci shares her journey of opening her heart to a different future than she imagined and reconciling the pieces of her life within the all-encompassing love of God.
As someone familiar with many of the spaces Staci occupies, I found her story relatable, compelling, and moving. I highly recommend this book if you or anyone you know is walking a similar path. As Staci reminds us, you are not alone, and if we allow it, love makes room.

[Kristi M · Rating 5 out of 5]

I was lucky to be chosen to receive an advance copy for review. I had no idea how profound the book would be and how much it would impact my life.

This book is a vulnerable look into the lives of a Christian family’s experience when their teenage daughter “came out”. This story hit home for me because I also have a daughter who lived her whole life as heterosexual and was married for a couple of years when she finally “came out” at the age of 26. This book helped to put into words everything I was feeling. Words, I could never seem to find for myself. I also had so many mixed emotions and questions surrounding my daughter and her future. This book helped to shed light on and help to answer many of them.

This book helped to solidify the fact that regardless of her sexual orientation or identity, my daughter is loved by God. She’s a child of God. She is not forsaken.

[Brianna Kinley · Rating 5 out of 5]

THIS book. This book was so overwhelmingly well written that I didn’t want to put it down. Writing from Staci’s perspective might have been hard for her but I’m so glad a book like this exists. I’m so glad she was able to love and accept her daughter for who she is. Love is love and love makes room.

[Ky James · Rating 4 out of 5]

In the spirit of Pride Month, I thought I’d reach across the aisle and read a memoir from someone incredibly different than myself and try to “make room” for a different perspective and life experience. I have to say, I’m so glad that I did.

** I think it’s important to point out here and now, this is not a book targeted for an LGBTQ+ audience, and some of the negative or critical reviews from members of this community seem a bit out of order, as they are focused on the author making her daughter’s coming out about her, and for her approach to handling it. The problem with that is that this book IS 100% this author’s story as an evangelical Christian mother, and how SHE experienced a deep shaking of her own deep faith and her general beliefs about love, motherhood, and God all collided at this time in her life. The intended audience is other Christian parents who have gay kids, it help them navigate what would be a confusing time based on their faith, and also possibly for Christians in general who up until now had perhaps never questioned or opened their minds to the possibility of unconditional love for a gay child. In that regard, this book is wildly successful in its purpose and for its audience.

I read this book as a Gay man with many religious family members and friends (most of whom are incredibly accepting and loving) and in the interest of trying to better understand the mindset of those who are taught to hate, ostracize, or try to change gay people. As the author brilliantly states, in order to build a bridge, we have to spend significant time on both sides. The most disappointing aspect of the story is the realization that without being directly exposed to a gay child or friend with a gay child, very very few evangelical Christians will ever be open to or willing to examine their faith and belief structure enough to begin the kinds of heart-changing work this author undertook to find room for both deep and loving faith and unconditional love for her child.

As a book, this story was deeply moving, well-written, and contained a level of vulnerability and honesty that really touched me. I did not love hearing how the author once viewed gay people, or how she initially feared for her daughter, and saw her differently for a bit while she sorted her thoughts and feelings. But seeing and knowing that starting point made for such an important understanding for he change that then followed as unconditional love reared its beautiful head.

I’m not sure this book is for everyone, but I am grateful to this author for putting her story out into the public forum (and to her daughter for supporting this) at great personal cost - as a Christian folk-singer, she’s lost countless venues and churches who once loved her, because of her support for her daughter - as it has resulted in some excellent open conversations and has helped other parents in her community to feel less alone in their pews. It also gives countless gay Cristian children hope that maybe one day their parents may consider loving them again.

Thanks to Edelweiss+ and Publisher Broadleaf Books for this ARC in exchange for an honest review.

[Carol Driver · Rating 5 out of 5]

I really appreciated the author’s willingness to share her experience and to provide a window into a difficult time in her world. There were many situations with which I could relate and many insights that I gained from what Frenes shared from a mom’s perspective. Her vulnerability and honesty are what earned the five stars.

That said, I did not arrive at the same conclusion as the author. I wished that she had spent more time sharing about the internal process of the journey she went on as she shifted her faith from the traditional biblical view of marriage to one that affirms her daughter’s choices. I felt that final perspective was one of prioritizing her daughter’s happiness over her own faith. While I don’t think that the author would necessarily agree that that was her progression, that was the conclusion that I felt she was presenting. Granted, she said that her shift in view came over the course of several years. Perhaps that’s why it felt inadequate to condense it into the final chapter. I would’ve found it helpful if she had talked a little bit more about how she wrestled with the arguments against the Bible’s authority regarding marriage being designed by God as a union between one man and one woman.

The other part that made me uncomfortable and that I couldn’t relate to was the characterization of Christians generally being unloving and unwilling to discuss this situation on a deeper level. And of course I’m aware of all the hatred expressed and all of the wrongs that have been done. But it is unfair to lump every Christian into that mindset. I felt that the author equated people who have a traditional biblical perspective of marriage as the villains. I ended up feeling defensive and misunderstood. Thankfully, and I will credit this book for presenting this perspective, I was able to begin to evaluate more carefully what my own viewpoint is. I don’t believe it comes from the vitriolic, social-media-inflated, self-righteous viewpoint that the author seemed to be coming up against. Hopefully it’s coming from an honest humility and a desire to understand and to love.

I was left with a lot of questions. I understand that this book was not meant to necessarily give answers. It was meant to share one person’s experience. I recognize that when you are sharing your own experience, you cannot anticipate what might be missing from someone else’s perspective. My daughter recommended this book to me, and I appreciated her recognition that hearing another mom’s experience would be helpful to me. Hearing each other’s stories gives us more understanding and compassion and allows us to grow.

[Kelly R Mellen · Rating 5 out of 5]

Reading this book as a parent felt like a meaningful conversation over coffee with a trusted friend. The journey to reconciling her daughter's LGBTQ identity with her own faith wasn't an easy one and I find it admirable that Staci exhibited a beautiful vulnerability in sharing this story.

My personal opinion is that any parent could benefit from reading this lovely book as it speaks to meeting our children where they are and loving them for who they are, unconditionally. I feel certain that most (if not all) parents will agree that each parenting journey has its own challenges. In a day and age in which social media prompts us all to present "perfect families with perfect lives", facing any sort of challenge can feel isolating. Staci's willingness to be authentic and bold in sharing this story, even her struggles, is something the world needs more of, in my opinion. If we can all let our guards down and be brave enough to share our struggles, we can each be a light to others who might be walking a similar path.

I realize some people struggle with reconciling LGBTQ and faith. I would invite you to read this book with prayerful curiosity. I personally know, love and admire LGBTQ+ people who have deep faith. The two are not mutually exclusive and this is another aspect of the book that is inspiring, enlightening and encouraging. Faith requires of us that we love one another - all of us, without exception. Such love begins in the home and when we love our children well, they are free to be who they are. Thank you, Staci, for this incredible book and for being willing to show that through it all - love wins.

[Jennifer Lavoie · Rating 3 out of 5]

I will admit that I am not the intended target audience for this book. I have a vested interest in the LGBTQ+ community, and I wanted to read this book from the perspective of a parent. I was not expecting a highly religious volume.

I have many issues with this book, but first let me say that I can see where it would be helpful to Christian parents of gay teens. This discussed a religious woman’s journey to embracing her lesbian daughter and how she was able to do so without throwing away her faith. Many, I’m sure, will take comfort in that and learn from it.

On the other hand, there were many places that I struggled to read and was angry with the mother about. I was angry that she made her daughter’s coming out about herself. I was angry when she turned to friends for support and outed her daughter. It doesn’t say she had permission for this. It felt like the author was being a martyr at times, and didn’t sit right with me.

That said, it is a quick, readable book, and filled with painful honesty and vulnerability.

[Carleene Hibbs Reeder · Rating 2 out of 5]

This book was one that I thought was meant for me to read. It in many ways is the same thing I experienced. I am a Christian Mom and my teen daughter came out to me 11 years ago. I can relate to the rollercoaster of emotions that this author went through. I too struggled with loving my daughter and reconciling what the bible teaches. I am so glad this family found their way through to a loving relationship that let everyone be themselves. I have accepted my daughter and I love her more than she will ever know. However, my struggle did not lead me to the same understanding of scripture and I guess that is where this book really fell flat for me. I do think there is room to love everyone but I also feel that it is important to be truthful. Both things can happen without compromising God's word.

[Melanie · Rating 4 out of 5]

Like many Christian parents who hear the words, "Mom, I'm gay," Staci Frenes spent years coming to terms with her daughter's identity. Some parents show their children the door "in the name of love." Others start with love and learn to accept, affirm, support and celebrate their child. Staci did the latter and this new book is her story. It's beautiful and straight from the heart.

[Marianne · Rating 5 out of 5]

I appreciated Staci’s honest telling of what was a difficult journey for her and her family. This book is an invitation to re-examine how your long held truths might be keeping you from a more expansive life and love that brings people together versus stoking divide.

[Amanda · Rating 2 out of 5]

What started interesting it became the author talking in a circle for the second half of the book.

[Ashlyn MacNichol · Rating 4 out of 5]

so i sobbed a lot while reading this

[Angela L. Rotert · Rating 5 out of 5]

Started this awhile back—- felt a pull to finish
Comforting…… Chapter 11 — Allowed me to find complete, unwavering acceptance and peace within myself and for my daughter

[Laurel O · Rating 4 out of 5]

Sweet and solid. I enjoyed reading this after listening to the author speak on the podcast 'I tried to be straight'.

[Emily Wright · Rating 4 out of 5]

❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹

[Patty Webster · Rating 2 out of 5]

I wanted to live this book after all the rave reviews but I just didn’t. I feel like the author made this all about her. When it was actually her daughter’s story to tell. I faint I see why she felt the need to tell everyone in the first place. I understand she had her “Christian “ values to contend with, but there are plenty of other Christian faiths that would’ve been much more accepting of her daughter. There is nothing “Christian” about the way some of her so called friends treated her or her daughter. I wanted to relate, but just couldn’t.

[charissa L newpher · Rating 5 out of 5]

Spot on!!

My daughter recently came out as gay and being a Christian mom, this book was a life saver! I love my daughter and this helped so much in our long journey together.

[Loreen Messerschmidt · Rating 5 out of 5]

thank you

I am a mom on this journey too. I have had many of the same thoughts and feelings you have written in this book. Thank you for sharing!