The New Laws of Love: Online Dating and the Privatization of Intimacy

by Marie Bergström

Online dating has become a widespread feature of modern social life. In less than two decades, seeking partners through commercial intermediaries went from being a marginal and stigmatized practice to a common activity. How can we explain this rapid change? And what does it tell us about the changing nature of love and intimacy?

In contrast to those who praise online dating as the democratization of love and those who condemn it as the commodification of intimacy, this book tells a different story about how and why online dating became big. The key to understanding the growing prevalence of online dating lies in what Marie Bergström calls "the privatization of intimacy." Online dating takes courtship from the public to the private sphere, and makes it a domestic and individual practice. Unlike courtship in traditional meeting venues, such as school, work and gatherings of family and friends, online dating makes a clear distinction between social and sexual sociability, and makes dating much more discrete. Apparently banal, this privatizing feature is fundamental for understanding both the success and the nature of digital matchmaking. It also sheds light on a broader social transformation: that of an increasingly private social life where interactions move indoors, narrow down to small circles and rely primarily on elective affinities.

Drawing on a wide range of empirical material from interviews, national surveys and dating platforms, this book challenges what we think we know about online dating and gives us a new understanding of who, why and how people go online to seek sex and love.

Genres: Nonfiction, Sociology, Sexuality

200 pages, Paperback

Published February 14, 2022

Reviews

[David · Rating 4 out of 5]

As said in the title of the book it is a book about dating sites and apps. The author investigates and discusses digital dating with regard to class, age (young men and older women often have a hard time finding heterosexual partners), how different and in what sense it is different from dating before internet dating was a thing, attributes which leads to success, if we are seeing a sexual recession, the different norms for women and men on how to behave on dating platforms, the (non)importance of correct spelling for different groups, if online dating has lead to an hook up culture, and so on. She also takes care to interpret and try the data against sociological theories.

The major strength and weakness of the book is that it is mostly based on Bergström's own research. It is both quantitative research (mostly data from Meetic and some public resources) and qualitative research (interviews with primarily French users of said services). It is a strength as she is intimately familiar with the research she presents to the reader and it isn't just repetition of data presented in other books. The problem is that her research is a bit narrow as it is focused on the French dating market and Meetic Group is the only dating service from which she has gained access to data. While a lot of what she says falls in line with what I have read in other sources and books, her own general conclusions seem a bit overstretching if based on her own research.
More than a few times she does references other works and data, but often it is often very general summaries of studies where I would have liked to see a more careful presentation of the data. It would then have felt more like a general book on digital dating in the western world instead of "digital dating on Meetic sites and apps in France".

One of my favorite parts of the book is chat between two homosexual men who never talked to each other before in one hour and like 50 messages set up a sex meeting and discusses very sexually explicit acts they will do. Bergström claims it is representative for homosexual men, but I would have liked to see some more examples and also some examples of chat logs between heterosexuals and lesbians as comparison.

To Bergström a lot of the most catchy and "alarmist" theories on what online dating has done to society and dating is overblown. She argues the biggest difference with online dating is a shift to a more privatized and explicit way to meet sexual/romantic partners. Instead of meeting partners through friends and family, digital dating makes it easy to "hide" romantic contacts until the person herself/himself is ready to reveal it to family and friends and that in online dating common friends often is a deal breaker rather than a positive. At the same time the ambiguity in meeting someone at a party is replaced by clear intentions when talking on a dating site.

Even though I claimed it is a bit narrowly focused the data and analysis Bergström provides isn't radically different from other books I read on the subject I think it really can be read as a more general book on the subject. For people interested in sociological theory this is a great first book on the subject as she takes care to discuss the data through sociological theories.

[Noina · Rating 4 out of 5]

3.5 étoiles

[eight · Rating 4 out of 5]

3.5, très intéressant quoiqu’un peu répétitif…

[Kami 971 · Rating 4 out of 5]

On ne parle pas de race, même pas une seule fois et ensuite comme elle le dit dès le début c'est centré sur l'hétérosexualité. Cependant, c'est un livre que je trouve important quand on s'intéresse à ce type de questions, je trouve que le propos sort de ce qu'on à l'habitude de lire et d'entendre.

[Minna Höggren · Rating 3 out of 5]

Jätteintressant men noll procent rolig 🥸

[Jean · Rating 5 out of 5]

Un excellent travail de sociologie sur les transformations, et les permanences, qu’apporte l’usage aujourd’hui généralisé des appli. de rencontre. Comment sont-elles conçues par leurs développeurs (hommes, hétéros), comment sont-elles utilisées, qu’est-ce qu’on y reproduit de la vie courante, qu’est-ce qui change dès lors que le regard de l’entourage disparaît, comment le double standard sexuel y est reproduit, transformé. Des questions passionnantes, que Marie Bergström présente de façon synthétique mais extrêmement bien argumentée et documentée. Elle cite par exemple Jean-Claude Kaufmann (Sex@amour) ou Eva Illouz (Pourquoi l'amour fait mal, La fin de l’amour), et réfute leurs thèses, aveuglées par leurs préconceptions.

[StephenWoolf · Rating 4 out of 5]

Privatisation de la rencontre, réserve féminine comme condition de la séduction hétérosexuelle, bal des célibataires modernes, homogamie... Un livre bien fait et accessible qui permet de questionner certaines prénotions (les sites de rencontre comme foires à la saucisse décomplexées, notamment).

[yasmin · Rating 4 out of 5]

we did it yall

[Beaulieu Louison · Rating 3 out of 5]

Un peu répétitif parfois mais interressant

[Nik Robbins · Rating 4 out of 5]

The issues with online dating Natasha Lunn highlights are not those often written about in the media. In fact she argues the media often gets it wrong. Her book did confirm my pessimism about online dating however. This sentence summarizes a lot of the book: "online dating occurs outside one's social circles...this discretion marks a departure from the openness of ordinary situations (e.g. work, school, parties and outings)."

[Jonatan Almfjord · Rating 3 out of 5]

Läste den här boken då jag var nyfiken på ifall och i så fall hur dejtingappar förändrat spelreglerna i dejtingvärlden. Svaret blir i korthet: nej men också ja. Nej, det tycks vara samma kriterier som ligger till grund för dejting nu som innan, men de har blivit mer explicita och tydliga. Ja, eftersom dejting har blivit en mer individualistisk process. Man behöver inte längre förlita sig på tips från bekanta eller höra av sig till någon lustigkurre till moster som extraknäcker som äktenskapsmäklare - nej, nu sköter man allt själv via en app. På så sätt har man själv (eller tekniken, om man vill vara lite kritisk) kontrollen på ett helt nytt sätt.

Med detta sagt, så tycker jag att boken inte riktigt håller ens intresse uppe hela vägen igenom. Därav det ljumma betyget tre av fem.

[Gabby · Rating 4 out of 5]

Interesting study of capitalism's reach and influence on dating and society, from an economical and psychological perspective.

[Ida Stiller · Rating 4 out of 5]

Tyckte denna va intressant!! Men lite träig