✰ 3.5 stars ✰
“I was trying to help,
that’s all.
But it was the opposite of help,
and I know that now.
I’m not sorry, though.
If you’re wondering.
I’m just sorry I got caught.
Because it would have helped.
It would have.”
Desperate times call for desperate measures. And perhaps nothing can be more cause for desperate action than when you see a family member in pain and you want to do everything in your power to help them - no matter the consequences. And for twelve-year-old Timothy, nothing tested his moral compass more than when he swiped a wallet at a grocery store - all in the hopes that he could ease a bit of his mother's worries, as they cope with the increasingly alarming medical bills and intensive treatment for Levi, his baby brother. 'I will never know what I was thinking when I stole that wallet, because I wasn’t thinking.' And when he's put on probation, appointed by the court to keep a journal for a year, writing out his thoughts, it's the courage to find a glimmer of hope in the crippling dark is the strength that keeps him going. Written in verse, K.A. Holt's middle grade novel House Arrest is a touching and moving story of the lengths we go to, to care for the ones we love. 😥
“Feelings, feelings, feelings.
How is it that
I can have so many feelings
that they all swirl together
until I feel so much all at one time
that it’s almost like I feel
nothing at all? ”
The power of poetry is the ability to evoke so much feeling with limited words - at an almost cadence that allows you to have the emotions of the narrator just as palpable as if they were written in detail. 💔💔 My heart ached for Timothy's challenges and the anger and overwhelming love he had for his family - the fierce desperation that he was trying so hard to help them - the frustration of not being enough - that providing money is not in his hands - the ability to find a cure for his brother is something out of his reach - but his ability to try - to care - had no limits. 'And I swear to you if anyone tries to take him away/ I will risk juvie to keep him out of that place, that facility.' And he tried. 😢 He tried really hard and he felt just as much while doing so. It probably would not have achieved the level of aching and desperation had it been detailed in prose - how Timothy knew he wasn't able to care for Levi - helpless at the mercy of his caregivers - and still trying to make them realize that how much help is enough.
Journals are something deeply personal and intimate. It reminded me of back in third grade, when my teacher, Mr.Paul gave our class the assignment to keep a journal over the school year; and how of we ever wished to write something personal, all we had to do was add a
P
to the start of the entry, so that he would know NOT to read it. 🥲 The one time I did do that, he called my parents. To this day, even when his family moved back to Wisconsin, he is still my favorite teacher. I could never get over that betrayal of trust when I came home and my parents talked to me about it, but just knowing that he cared enough to be concerned about it - it mattered to me. 🙏🏻🙏🏻
And for Timothy this was something that greatly helped him. Even though it's court-appointed requirement, it's such a great way to break the fourth wall - how he can address the audience, as if we were reading just over his shoulder - how he can communicate his thoughts with his presiding elders.and lets him feel that he's not alone in his struggles - that as much as these inside comments can be challenging at times, it is with this awareness that they will read it. 😅 Almost in the hopes that underneath his visible frustration and troublesome quips, is the need for guidance that only they can provide. 'I don’t feel like I’ve broken through anything, though. Really. Maybe some things have broken through me?' It's cathartic and therapeutic and I think it's something he really needed - a grown-up hand that he couldn't burden too much his mother with and what he lost when his father bailed on his family, upon realizing how sickly his youngest son was. 😞
“Don’t you think it’s OK
to cry uncle sometimes?
To ask for help?
Otherwise you’re just crying.
And how does that help anyone?”
It is said that charity begins at home. It takes nerve and abandonment of pride to reach out for help; having that part included here was such a heavy one. Timothy's conflicting thoughts on that were such a challenge to read about, because he didn't want to show how much they needed help in the fear of offending his mother. I loved his best friend's family, that you don't need to ask for help to receive it. People are generous with their love, their kindness, their understanding. 'I didn’t have the heart to tell her she’s mistaking bravery for flat-out desperation.' And despite how palpable and believable a burden it is to him and his mother, how it is eventually solved was both touching as it was heart-warming. 🥹
But, so, too, was his anger and rage over his helplessness over everything in his life was heart-wrenching. Is it that unchanneled rage over abandonment that was something he wasn't able to overcome? I think so, and honestly, rightfully so. 'Because I didn’t want Dad to hate me. Maybe I am a nutjob. Oh, great, now I’m crying, too. I hate this journal.' I could sense that the author was trying to show that all his pain was a cover-up for the pain of his father's actions, but it didn't quite reach me or work well for me. I wasn't too keen on how it ended, because I do believe that part of his life needed to be addressed a bit more. 😒 To give some reasoning for his father's actions that even constituted for any sense of redemption or forgiveness, because, honestly, I don't think he deserves it. And then to have it end so abruptly on that notion made it feel like such a disservice for everything else that had taken place - for all that Timothy worked so hard to achieve on his own. 😔
“She thinks he needs more care than we can give him.
I give him ALL my cares!
The only thing I can care about is Levi!
And it’s the same with Mom.
I know it.
If you could die from caring too much, she would.”
For it is his love for his younger brother, Levi, that shines throughout. That aching desire to be the older brother that he could be - to think that he can shoulder all the responsibility and know how to treat him - to have him learn the ways to communicate with him - live up to be his brother - not lose him to a facility caregiving, when he believes in his heart - there is someone out there - who can help him. 🥺 'He’s just a boy, yes, but he loves his brother very much.' Those parts moved me to tears and showed the beauty of verse, that less can be more, and still capture his affections so very deeply, in a beautiful and loving way. So much joy and love and heart in those scenes - how hard he tries for his little brother to get the proper health and care he needs in order to live - he would do anything for him - no matter what the consequences may be. ❤️🩹❤️🩹