What do you think?
Rate this book
Rough: How violence has found its way into the bedroom and what we can do about it
Rough is a revolutionary non-fiction work exploring the narratives of sexual violence that we don't talk about.
A bad sexual experience.
A grey area.
Not rape but... A violation.
These are the terms we use to describe the experiences we don't have words for. The way we talk about topics such as sex, consent, assault aren't fit for purpose.
Through powerful testimony from 50 women and non-binary people, this book shines a light on the sexual violence that takes place in our bedrooms and beyond, sometimes at the hands of people we know, trust, or even love. Rough investigates violations such as 'stealthing,' non-consensual choking, and non-consensual rough sex acts that our culture is only starting to recognise as sexual violence.
The book explores the ways in which systems of oppression manifest in our sexual culture - from racist microaggressions, to fatphobic acts of aggression, and ableist dehumanising behaviour. An intersectional, sex-positive, kink-positive work, the book also examines how white supremacy, transphobia, biphobia, homophobia, and misogyny are driving forces behind sexual violence.
Rough is an urgent, timely call for change to the systems that oppress us all.
A bad sexual experience.
A grey area.
Not rape but... A violation.
These are the terms we use to describe the experiences we don't have words for. The way we talk about topics such as sex, consent, assault aren't fit for purpose.
Through powerful testimony from 50 women and non-binary people, this book shines a light on the sexual violence that takes place in our bedrooms and beyond, sometimes at the hands of people we know, trust, or even love. Rough investigates violations such as 'stealthing,' non-consensual choking, and non-consensual rough sex acts that our culture is only starting to recognise as sexual violence.
The book explores the ways in which systems of oppression manifest in our sexual culture - from racist microaggressions, to fatphobic acts of aggression, and ableist dehumanising behaviour. An intersectional, sex-positive, kink-positive work, the book also examines how white supremacy, transphobia, biphobia, homophobia, and misogyny are driving forces behind sexual violence.
Rough is an urgent, timely call for change to the systems that oppress us all.
352 pages, ebook
First published August 26, 2021
33 people are currently reading
1694 people want to read
Ratings & Reviews
Friends & Following
Create a free account to discover what your friends think of this book!
Community Reviews
Displaying 1 - 30 of 87 reviews
September 3, 2021
(Thanks to Vintage and Netgalley for the ARC.)
There are some inaccurate words in the book description given here: this book is not revolutionary, it's not kink-positive, it's not sex-positive (which for the record it doesn't need to be, it's just notable that the book does not really have a sense of sex being fun), and I wouldn't say 'intersectional' is correct either, though it tries to be.
Rough was a frustrating book to read because I know it will help some readers - most specifically, I'd imagine a lot of cis, particularly cishet women will find relief and inspiration in its depiction of the cultural water we all swim in. There are survivors who will find recognition and solace here. It covers a bunch of stuff that needs to be covered, has good capsule introductions on things like fat women's and disabled women's experiences of sex, and overall does address a sexual culture in desperate need of change. But there is so much this book misses; so much it just can't deal with.
Fundamentally, Rough is deeply committed to the idea that cis straight women are The Victims of sexual violence and cis straight men are The Perpetrators. Despite noting that men do experience sexual violence at significant rates, and evoking 'marginalised genders' a lot (which does include trans men, at least), it makes the decision to erase male victims of sexual violence altogether - men are only evoked as perpetrators or allies - in order to further that idea of cis men's misogyny as the root of all sexual violence. Gay men aren't mentioned. The book cursorily mentions lesbian experiences of violence on a couple of occasions, but runs away the second it looks like we might get a more complicated view of who perpetrates violence.
This connects to what I think may be the book's most defining flaw: its inability to question 'harm' as sovereign. I understand the difficulty here - we still live in a culture where women who have experienced sexual assault are challenged and cross-examined; in that culture, it is absolutely necessary to assert the authority of lived experience. However, cis white women asserting sexual harm has a troubled history both in reference to Black men - who basically have no place in this book - and to trans women, who are often socially punished by being accused of nebulous sexual harm, since society sees trans women as sexual predators basically by virtue of existing.
This means there's a big hole in e.g. the chapter on trans people (which is otherwise unusually good for a book by a cis woman, though the bar is Very Low). It explicitly talks about trans women being excluded from shelters because of transmisogyny; it's inherited that language from Moya Lothian-McLean's work, but at least it uses it. What the chapter misses is that trans women are excluded from shelters because of the transphobic argument that they're secretly predatory men in disguise & must be lying about being assaulted. Without questioning the whole framework of who is believed and who isn't when it comes to 'harm', you're missing a huge part of how this works. (Also notable that there's nothing about how trans people have sex differently to cis people; trans people are of interest mainly when they're closest to cis people, i.e. knocking on the door of the battered women's shelter.)
Speaking of individual chapters, the book has various chapters on particular marginalised experiences, but they aren't integrated into the book very well. The book literally mentions that queer cis women, Black cis women, and all trans people are at higher risk of sexual violence than cis straight women, but as soon as those chapters are done, it's back to our regular scheduled programming, which is overwhelmingly focused on straight, mostly white cis women.
I also have some bones to pick with Rough's view of BDSM. It does valiantly try to demarcate the lines between BDSM and nonconsensual/violating sex, but the book is also very invested in what sex Should Be Seen As ''Normal'' (wait, why did all my dogs just start barking?). It attempts to form a very hard line between BDSM and Regular, Nice Sex, stresses that we should 'normalise' some things and 'de-normalise' others (when really we should get rid of the idea that there should be a 'normal' with regard to sex at all), and kind of implies that BDSM is a tiny niche subculture where you need to have a degree in it first and fill out a sheaf of papers before you can start fucking. I don't think Thompson intended to be queerphobic here, but I think it's irresponsible to use a word like 'normal' in a sexual context without thinking about how loaded that term is.
Oh, and the book is not great on the solutions front. Most of the concrete suggestions made for change are 1. be more vocal and upfront about consent talk (good, but you've also literally in your own book talked about situations where women have unwanted sex because they know questioning the way things are will lead to violence), 2. have better sex with explicit consent depicted on TV, 3. have better sex ed in schools, and 4. end misogyny (lol), which in the book mainly involves telling the Lads to stop cracking rape jokes. (the section on masculinity implies that the only kind of man is Straight Football Guy. the book really suffers from keeping gay men out of it.) there's no real reference to current activism, campaigns, movements, etc. the book is sceptical of the law and legislation, which I'm happy with, but it doesn't have much vision of how collective action takes place outside lobbying for laws - probably because white cis women's sexual violence activism has been very clustered around laws: upskirting, cyberflashing, revenge porn.
(The book also briefly mentions how legislation hurts sex workers but it doesn't have any place for how white middle-class women are actively harming sex workers and trans people through their legislative activism...that might ruin its whole premise a little bit!)
This is a book that struggles to balance a lot of very good sources with the regressive commitments of its central premise, and has to just not talk about a lot of stuff, or talk about it briefly and then scurry away, in order to make it work. I found it disappointing: comprehensive as an introductory educational resource, but never really piercing down into the deeper layers of its material.
(Finally, since when has violence 'found its way into the bedroom'? Was there ever a violence-free bedroom?)
Edit: Just read Amia Srinivasan’s The Right to Sex, which, IMO, does almost everything Rough does 10 times better and adds a lot more. Read that in addition to, or instead of, Rough.
There are some inaccurate words in the book description given here: this book is not revolutionary, it's not kink-positive, it's not sex-positive (which for the record it doesn't need to be, it's just notable that the book does not really have a sense of sex being fun), and I wouldn't say 'intersectional' is correct either, though it tries to be.
Rough was a frustrating book to read because I know it will help some readers - most specifically, I'd imagine a lot of cis, particularly cishet women will find relief and inspiration in its depiction of the cultural water we all swim in. There are survivors who will find recognition and solace here. It covers a bunch of stuff that needs to be covered, has good capsule introductions on things like fat women's and disabled women's experiences of sex, and overall does address a sexual culture in desperate need of change. But there is so much this book misses; so much it just can't deal with.
Fundamentally, Rough is deeply committed to the idea that cis straight women are The Victims of sexual violence and cis straight men are The Perpetrators. Despite noting that men do experience sexual violence at significant rates, and evoking 'marginalised genders' a lot (which does include trans men, at least), it makes the decision to erase male victims of sexual violence altogether - men are only evoked as perpetrators or allies - in order to further that idea of cis men's misogyny as the root of all sexual violence. Gay men aren't mentioned. The book cursorily mentions lesbian experiences of violence on a couple of occasions, but runs away the second it looks like we might get a more complicated view of who perpetrates violence.
This connects to what I think may be the book's most defining flaw: its inability to question 'harm' as sovereign. I understand the difficulty here - we still live in a culture where women who have experienced sexual assault are challenged and cross-examined; in that culture, it is absolutely necessary to assert the authority of lived experience. However, cis white women asserting sexual harm has a troubled history both in reference to Black men - who basically have no place in this book - and to trans women, who are often socially punished by being accused of nebulous sexual harm, since society sees trans women as sexual predators basically by virtue of existing.
This means there's a big hole in e.g. the chapter on trans people (which is otherwise unusually good for a book by a cis woman, though the bar is Very Low). It explicitly talks about trans women being excluded from shelters because of transmisogyny; it's inherited that language from Moya Lothian-McLean's work, but at least it uses it. What the chapter misses is that trans women are excluded from shelters because of the transphobic argument that they're secretly predatory men in disguise & must be lying about being assaulted. Without questioning the whole framework of who is believed and who isn't when it comes to 'harm', you're missing a huge part of how this works. (Also notable that there's nothing about how trans people have sex differently to cis people; trans people are of interest mainly when they're closest to cis people, i.e. knocking on the door of the battered women's shelter.)
Speaking of individual chapters, the book has various chapters on particular marginalised experiences, but they aren't integrated into the book very well. The book literally mentions that queer cis women, Black cis women, and all trans people are at higher risk of sexual violence than cis straight women, but as soon as those chapters are done, it's back to our regular scheduled programming, which is overwhelmingly focused on straight, mostly white cis women.
I also have some bones to pick with Rough's view of BDSM. It does valiantly try to demarcate the lines between BDSM and nonconsensual/violating sex, but the book is also very invested in what sex Should Be Seen As ''Normal'' (wait, why did all my dogs just start barking?). It attempts to form a very hard line between BDSM and Regular, Nice Sex, stresses that we should 'normalise' some things and 'de-normalise' others (when really we should get rid of the idea that there should be a 'normal' with regard to sex at all), and kind of implies that BDSM is a tiny niche subculture where you need to have a degree in it first and fill out a sheaf of papers before you can start fucking. I don't think Thompson intended to be queerphobic here, but I think it's irresponsible to use a word like 'normal' in a sexual context without thinking about how loaded that term is.
Oh, and the book is not great on the solutions front. Most of the concrete suggestions made for change are 1. be more vocal and upfront about consent talk (good, but you've also literally in your own book talked about situations where women have unwanted sex because they know questioning the way things are will lead to violence), 2. have better sex with explicit consent depicted on TV, 3. have better sex ed in schools, and 4. end misogyny (lol), which in the book mainly involves telling the Lads to stop cracking rape jokes. (the section on masculinity implies that the only kind of man is Straight Football Guy. the book really suffers from keeping gay men out of it.) there's no real reference to current activism, campaigns, movements, etc. the book is sceptical of the law and legislation, which I'm happy with, but it doesn't have much vision of how collective action takes place outside lobbying for laws - probably because white cis women's sexual violence activism has been very clustered around laws: upskirting, cyberflashing, revenge porn.
(The book also briefly mentions how legislation hurts sex workers but it doesn't have any place for how white middle-class women are actively harming sex workers and trans people through their legislative activism...that might ruin its whole premise a little bit!)
This is a book that struggles to balance a lot of very good sources with the regressive commitments of its central premise, and has to just not talk about a lot of stuff, or talk about it briefly and then scurry away, in order to make it work. I found it disappointing: comprehensive as an introductory educational resource, but never really piercing down into the deeper layers of its material.
(Finally, since when has violence 'found its way into the bedroom'? Was there ever a violence-free bedroom?)
Edit: Just read Amia Srinivasan’s The Right to Sex, which, IMO, does almost everything Rough does 10 times better and adds a lot more. Read that in addition to, or instead of, Rough.
February 18, 2023
this review will contain discussion of sex, sexual assault and pornography, as they form major parts of this book. feel free to avoid it if you're not interested in that kinda thing!!
'rough' by rachel thompson delves into some of the central arguments relating to feminism, desirability, sex positivity, pornography and sexual assault. as someone who went into this book expecting a more focused discussion on the politics of 'rough sex', this was a little surprising and a little disappointing. each of these topics is so hugely broad, with new essays published daily which delve into different theories and perspectives. cramming them all into one short-ish book, though perhaps admirable, meant that nothing got explored in the depth i wanted. because of this, 'rough' didn't really enlighten me on anything, it didn't surprise me. it remained thoroughly, frustratingly, surface level.
this book is structured around personal testimonies from a diverse group of women. this is one thing which i actually really valued about it. anecdotes perfectly illustrated some of the more heavy theory-focused segments and kept the book moving along at a good pace. the stories in this book are diverse as are their subjects. it is clear that thompson made an effort to exercise intersectionality and the ways that various experiences tied to one's identity can have a cumulative impact. hearing the deeply personal and specific experiences of one woman who uses a wheelchair, for example, were powerful and illustrative.
so there's some mixed feelings for you!!
i also just wanted to dive in to something which rubbed me the wrong way throughout this book though. it may be more of a personal gripe based on my own political leanings and perspective of feminism. throughout, thompson utterly shies away from explicitly criticising the impacts of pornography and the proliferation of rough sex throughout media on the violence that women experience during sex and in their daily lives. they come up again and again, as you might expect in this kind of book, but each time she dismisses them. she constantly references 'ethical pornography' which, though it does exist, is not representative of the vast majority of porn which pays little mind to its female performers, their experiences and on the impression that it might have on its male viewers and their expectations. pornography is not simply an enemy, nor is the banning of pornography a panacea for male violence and i was glad that thompson did not go down that route. but to not recognise porn, in its current form, as a tool of the patriarchy with which sexual violence against women is normalised, was a misstep in my eyes.
a similar issue occurred with the heavily pro-kink stance of the book which i felt limited any actual discussion. in general, i exercise a pretty liberal stance on what people get up to in their own bedrooms so pro-kinkiness isn't usually an issue for me. but here, when discussing how BDSM is employed by abusers as a shield against repercussions, thompson seemed to constantly revert to the argument that this isn't 'real BDSM'. this felt like a cop out to me and i would have liked to read a little more about the moral ambiguity of some forms of BDSM especially when they incorporate existing power dynamics (eg. submissive woman/dominant man or submissive poc/dominant white person). BDSM and kink in general is not above critique and i felt like thompson was trying too hard to sidestep around the issues to avoid offending anyone with pro-kink tendencies. she seemed to take the easy way out of these arguments without really engaging with them. i had similar problems with the last chapter which was billed as the 'how to deal with the problem' section. i was uninterested with thompson's proposals, most of which offered nothing concrete or unique. it made the book's conclusion feel pretty lacklustre.
anyway!! hope you don't mind me having a little rant!! overall, i found the personal aspects of the book deeply moving, but the rest of the arguments to be a little bloated and uninspired. worth the read if you're completely new to this area, i suppose.
'rough' by rachel thompson delves into some of the central arguments relating to feminism, desirability, sex positivity, pornography and sexual assault. as someone who went into this book expecting a more focused discussion on the politics of 'rough sex', this was a little surprising and a little disappointing. each of these topics is so hugely broad, with new essays published daily which delve into different theories and perspectives. cramming them all into one short-ish book, though perhaps admirable, meant that nothing got explored in the depth i wanted. because of this, 'rough' didn't really enlighten me on anything, it didn't surprise me. it remained thoroughly, frustratingly, surface level.
this book is structured around personal testimonies from a diverse group of women. this is one thing which i actually really valued about it. anecdotes perfectly illustrated some of the more heavy theory-focused segments and kept the book moving along at a good pace. the stories in this book are diverse as are their subjects. it is clear that thompson made an effort to exercise intersectionality and the ways that various experiences tied to one's identity can have a cumulative impact. hearing the deeply personal and specific experiences of one woman who uses a wheelchair, for example, were powerful and illustrative.
so there's some mixed feelings for you!!
i also just wanted to dive in to something which rubbed me the wrong way throughout this book though. it may be more of a personal gripe based on my own political leanings and perspective of feminism. throughout, thompson utterly shies away from explicitly criticising the impacts of pornography and the proliferation of rough sex throughout media on the violence that women experience during sex and in their daily lives. they come up again and again, as you might expect in this kind of book, but each time she dismisses them. she constantly references 'ethical pornography' which, though it does exist, is not representative of the vast majority of porn which pays little mind to its female performers, their experiences and on the impression that it might have on its male viewers and their expectations. pornography is not simply an enemy, nor is the banning of pornography a panacea for male violence and i was glad that thompson did not go down that route. but to not recognise porn, in its current form, as a tool of the patriarchy with which sexual violence against women is normalised, was a misstep in my eyes.
a similar issue occurred with the heavily pro-kink stance of the book which i felt limited any actual discussion. in general, i exercise a pretty liberal stance on what people get up to in their own bedrooms so pro-kinkiness isn't usually an issue for me. but here, when discussing how BDSM is employed by abusers as a shield against repercussions, thompson seemed to constantly revert to the argument that this isn't 'real BDSM'. this felt like a cop out to me and i would have liked to read a little more about the moral ambiguity of some forms of BDSM especially when they incorporate existing power dynamics (eg. submissive woman/dominant man or submissive poc/dominant white person). BDSM and kink in general is not above critique and i felt like thompson was trying too hard to sidestep around the issues to avoid offending anyone with pro-kink tendencies. she seemed to take the easy way out of these arguments without really engaging with them. i had similar problems with the last chapter which was billed as the 'how to deal with the problem' section. i was uninterested with thompson's proposals, most of which offered nothing concrete or unique. it made the book's conclusion feel pretty lacklustre.
anyway!! hope you don't mind me having a little rant!! overall, i found the personal aspects of the book deeply moving, but the rest of the arguments to be a little bloated and uninspired. worth the read if you're completely new to this area, i suppose.
January 20, 2022
I am so impressed with this. I initially thought it was just going to be about why violence in the bedroom is bad but it is so much more than that. I was nervous it would be anti-BDSM, not kink-positive and the likes but it is so empowering and shows how BDSM can sometimes be an excuse just to abuse women. Important to note the trigger warnings. Really liked how the author made a statement and was very trans inclusive and non-binary inclusive. I was also worried that with a white author writing about POC and marginalised groups that it wouldn’t be done well but it was done so eloquently. She uses real life stories from Black, Brown, disabled and trans women and I’m honestly just so impressed with how much I’ve learned from this. Favourite chapter probs was the one about how sex is portrayed in TV and how Normal People was one of the first widespread programmes to have a character ask for consent and make it normalised. Need to see more of this as it’s so sexy and really helps younger people realise that sex isn’t meant to be rough and forceful
August 16, 2024
ROUGH is the kind of book i find myself hesitant to recommend but i would also like everyone to read, at least once. it tackles a lot of topics, perspectives and experiences that are sadly not far away at all from the everyday experience of women and people from marginalised groups.
it very well combines stories and facts, and it helps readers understand -with numbers- the gravity of the issue our society is facing.
it was also the first time i got confronted with someone acknowledging “grey areas” in a book about rape and sexual violence and as a woman if felt incredibly validating.
all in all ROUGH didn’t blow my mind, but i enjoyed (and hated) being reminded that there’s still so much work to do, that our system is rotten and that unfortunately, for many, sex remains a painful and scarring experience because of the lack of education around sex, consent and pleasure.
it very well combines stories and facts, and it helps readers understand -with numbers- the gravity of the issue our society is facing.
it was also the first time i got confronted with someone acknowledging “grey areas” in a book about rape and sexual violence and as a woman if felt incredibly validating.
all in all ROUGH didn’t blow my mind, but i enjoyed (and hated) being reminded that there’s still so much work to do, that our system is rotten and that unfortunately, for many, sex remains a painful and scarring experience because of the lack of education around sex, consent and pleasure.
September 6, 2021
When I initially started reading Rough I was floored by how well written and well researched it was. It is full of quite striking statements and statistics and will go a long way to educating many in regards to consent, sexual assault and the many forms it can take.
However, there are quite a few flaws within the book, the main being the main trope that's being fed is white cishet females being assaulted by white cishet males. Very little time is given to other forms or types of assault outside of 'the norm'. Yes of course we live in a time where these type of assaults are hugely problematic and frequent but this does not need to minimise the huge amount of assaults that are carried out against cishet males and members within the LGBTQIA+ community. While these assaults are acknowledged, it really is just a passing mention to cover bases.
Secondly, the cishet female is almost expected to be in the role of victim immediately, casting a sense of fear towards any possible interactions. Sex isn't portrayed in a positive manner within the book in except say maybe a few pages of the book, a burdening sense that all possible sexual partners being dangerous is constant.
Finally, while the book tries to appear to portray a kink positive approach, it's clear from reading through that there are strong opinions held on what is 'normal' and what is very much 'taboo'. There are clear lines drawn at various sections of the book between people who have 'normal' sex and this apparent underground BDSM subculture.
Overall, I feel disappointed as I honestly feel this book will help a certain section of people and it did definitely open my eyes to some situations. I just wish that the author had been more inclusive and open and looked at the broader demographic which are effected.
2.5/5 ⭐ rounded to 3
However, there are quite a few flaws within the book, the main being the main trope that's being fed is white cishet females being assaulted by white cishet males. Very little time is given to other forms or types of assault outside of 'the norm'. Yes of course we live in a time where these type of assaults are hugely problematic and frequent but this does not need to minimise the huge amount of assaults that are carried out against cishet males and members within the LGBTQIA+ community. While these assaults are acknowledged, it really is just a passing mention to cover bases.
Secondly, the cishet female is almost expected to be in the role of victim immediately, casting a sense of fear towards any possible interactions. Sex isn't portrayed in a positive manner within the book in except say maybe a few pages of the book, a burdening sense that all possible sexual partners being dangerous is constant.
Finally, while the book tries to appear to portray a kink positive approach, it's clear from reading through that there are strong opinions held on what is 'normal' and what is very much 'taboo'. There are clear lines drawn at various sections of the book between people who have 'normal' sex and this apparent underground BDSM subculture.
Overall, I feel disappointed as I honestly feel this book will help a certain section of people and it did definitely open my eyes to some situations. I just wish that the author had been more inclusive and open and looked at the broader demographic which are effected.
2.5/5 ⭐ rounded to 3
September 27, 2021
stunning. literally wouldn’t change a thing. i was worries that it might be a slightly biased perspective coming from a white, cis woman but omg, she outdid herself. the resources and work put into this book makes it so important, im so glad i found this.
August 27, 2021
I thought this book would be a real eye-opener and spark a lot of debate. The topic is something that is getting more and more news time so I thought it would educate me.
However, this book was a lot more difficult to read than I had initially anticipated. It was very heavy going. Particularly at the beginning. It took me a long time to get through purely because it was so dense and heavy.
It certainly was an interesting read, and the section about the trans sexual crime and the way the police treated the poor people people involved was shocking! Something has to change!!
Overall I learnt a lot from reading this - I'm not sure I can say I enjoyed it, but it was very detailed.
However, this book was a lot more difficult to read than I had initially anticipated. It was very heavy going. Particularly at the beginning. It took me a long time to get through purely because it was so dense and heavy.
It certainly was an interesting read, and the section about the trans sexual crime and the way the police treated the poor people people involved was shocking! Something has to change!!
Overall I learnt a lot from reading this - I'm not sure I can say I enjoyed it, but it was very detailed.
February 10, 2025
Încrederea ca element indispensabil al unei relații sănătoase – despre „Rough” de Rachel Thompson
Îmi place să cred că relațiile interumane se construiesc exclusiv pe încredere și pe respect, dar urmărind știrile zilnic, sunt tot mai îngrozită de câtă agresiune există atât în cupluri cu relații oficializate, cât și între tineri care abia încep să aibă o viață sexuală activă. În astfel de clipe, mă gândesc că avem nevoie nu doar de educație sexuală, ci mai ales de educația consensului.
Acesta este filonul central al cărții „Rough” de Rachel Thompson, carte care, din păcate, încă nu e tradusă în limba română. Cu un subtitlu extrem de actual, „how violence has found its way into the bedroom and what we can do about it”, cartea ne oferă o imagine foarte amplă asupra violenței în formele sale cele mai diverse. Autoarea Rachel Thompson este jurnalistă specializată în sex, dating și relații interumane, iar această pregătire profesională îi permite să analizeze impactul sporit al acțiunilor violente care se întâlnesc tot mai des în dormitoarele cuplurilor.
Am ascultat cartea în format audio și trebuie să recunosc că m-a cutremurat în multe feluri. Și ce e cel mai îngrozitor: autoarea nu inventează bicicleta. Ea doar pune pe hârtie niște idei extrem de importante, cum ar fi fetișizarea invalizilor, lipsa educației consensului în raporturi sexuale, discriminarea și rasismul între persoane de rase diferite care se angajează într-o relație. Toate aceste puncte luate la un loc ne oferă o sincronicitate, un soi de fir roșu care pare să clarifice anumite incertitudini.
Știu că s-ar găsi cititori care s-o învinuiască pe autoare pentru o doză de exagerare și de teribilism, dar dacă stai să reflectezi la statisticile existente înțelegi că această carte doar deschide cutia Pandorei. Conform unui raport UNICEF din 2024, peste 370 de milioane de fete și femei – adică una din opt – au fost victime ale violului sau agresiunilor sexuale înainte de a împlini 18 ani. Atunci când sunt incluse și formele de violență sexuală „fără contact”, precum abuzul online sau verbal, numărul crește la 650 de milioane, sau una din cinci.
Deși fetele și femeile sunt cele mai afectate, băieții și bărbații nu sunt excluși. Se estimează că între 240 și 310 milioane de băieți și bărbați – aproximativ unul din unsprezece – au fost victime ale violului sau agresiunilor sexuale în copilărie. Aceste cifre cresc la 410-530 de milioane atunci când sunt luate în considerare și formele de violență fără contact.
Prevalența violenței sexuale variază în funcție de regiune. Africa Subsahariană înregistrează cel mai mare număr de victime, cu 79 de milioane de fete și femei afectate (22%), urmată de Asia de Est și de Sud-Est cu 75 de milioane (8%) și Asia Centrală și de Sud cu 73 de milioane (9%).
Aceste statistici subliniază necesitatea unor strategii globale de prevenire și sprijin pentru a combate eficient toate formele de violență sexuală împotriva copiilor și adolescenților.
Prin urmare, ajung tot mai mult la concluzia că fundalul educațional pe acest subiect este sărac sau desuet și astfel de cărți precum „Rough” au menirea să ne trezească printr-un șut în fund, la propriu. În plus, mi-a plăcut că jurnalista abordează și subiecte despre care până acum nu s-a prea discutat: că nu e ok să folosim denumirea de „porn revenge”, ci că ar trebui să vorbim despre „abuz sexual digital”, despre nevoia reînnoirii acordului în practici sexuale și despre faptul că o persoană poate oricând să se răzgândească.
„Rough” este o carte care dă de gândit și care e necesară pentru tineri, dar și pentru adulți cu mari carențe la capitolul educație sexuală și emoțională. Cine știe, poate o astfel de lectură i-ar ajuta să înțeleagă că există loc de mai bine și că sexul e doar despre plăcere, fără durere și fără senzația aia de forțare cu care unii bărbați sau unele femei s-au obișnuit de-a lungul timpului.
Îmi place să cred că relațiile interumane se construiesc exclusiv pe încredere și pe respect, dar urmărind știrile zilnic, sunt tot mai îngrozită de câtă agresiune există atât în cupluri cu relații oficializate, cât și între tineri care abia încep să aibă o viață sexuală activă. În astfel de clipe, mă gândesc că avem nevoie nu doar de educație sexuală, ci mai ales de educația consensului.
Acesta este filonul central al cărții „Rough” de Rachel Thompson, carte care, din păcate, încă nu e tradusă în limba română. Cu un subtitlu extrem de actual, „how violence has found its way into the bedroom and what we can do about it”, cartea ne oferă o imagine foarte amplă asupra violenței în formele sale cele mai diverse. Autoarea Rachel Thompson este jurnalistă specializată în sex, dating și relații interumane, iar această pregătire profesională îi permite să analizeze impactul sporit al acțiunilor violente care se întâlnesc tot mai des în dormitoarele cuplurilor.
Am ascultat cartea în format audio și trebuie să recunosc că m-a cutremurat în multe feluri. Și ce e cel mai îngrozitor: autoarea nu inventează bicicleta. Ea doar pune pe hârtie niște idei extrem de importante, cum ar fi fetișizarea invalizilor, lipsa educației consensului în raporturi sexuale, discriminarea și rasismul între persoane de rase diferite care se angajează într-o relație. Toate aceste puncte luate la un loc ne oferă o sincronicitate, un soi de fir roșu care pare să clarifice anumite incertitudini.
Știu că s-ar găsi cititori care s-o învinuiască pe autoare pentru o doză de exagerare și de teribilism, dar dacă stai să reflectezi la statisticile existente înțelegi că această carte doar deschide cutia Pandorei. Conform unui raport UNICEF din 2024, peste 370 de milioane de fete și femei – adică una din opt – au fost victime ale violului sau agresiunilor sexuale înainte de a împlini 18 ani. Atunci când sunt incluse și formele de violență sexuală „fără contact”, precum abuzul online sau verbal, numărul crește la 650 de milioane, sau una din cinci.
Deși fetele și femeile sunt cele mai afectate, băieții și bărbații nu sunt excluși. Se estimează că între 240 și 310 milioane de băieți și bărbați – aproximativ unul din unsprezece – au fost victime ale violului sau agresiunilor sexuale în copilărie. Aceste cifre cresc la 410-530 de milioane atunci când sunt luate în considerare și formele de violență fără contact.
Prevalența violenței sexuale variază în funcție de regiune. Africa Subsahariană înregistrează cel mai mare număr de victime, cu 79 de milioane de fete și femei afectate (22%), urmată de Asia de Est și de Sud-Est cu 75 de milioane (8%) și Asia Centrală și de Sud cu 73 de milioane (9%).
Aceste statistici subliniază necesitatea unor strategii globale de prevenire și sprijin pentru a combate eficient toate formele de violență sexuală împotriva copiilor și adolescenților.
Prin urmare, ajung tot mai mult la concluzia că fundalul educațional pe acest subiect este sărac sau desuet și astfel de cărți precum „Rough” au menirea să ne trezească printr-un șut în fund, la propriu. În plus, mi-a plăcut că jurnalista abordează și subiecte despre care până acum nu s-a prea discutat: că nu e ok să folosim denumirea de „porn revenge”, ci că ar trebui să vorbim despre „abuz sexual digital”, despre nevoia reînnoirii acordului în practici sexuale și despre faptul că o persoană poate oricând să se răzgândească.
„Rough” este o carte care dă de gândit și care e necesară pentru tineri, dar și pentru adulți cu mari carențe la capitolul educație sexuală și emoțională. Cine știe, poate o astfel de lectură i-ar ajuta să înțeleagă că există loc de mai bine și că sexul e doar despre plăcere, fără durere și fără senzația aia de forțare cu care unii bărbați sau unele femei s-au obișnuit de-a lungul timpului.
June 3, 2024
Rough started out strong but unfortunately fell short in a lot of areas and was largely disappointing.
Despite the book claiming to have an intersectional analysis of sexual violence, unfortunately the author gives no more than a sentence or two on the fact that all people of all genders can be perpetrators and victims of sexual violence. The books main message is “men do sexual violence to women”, and while yes - sexual violence often has a highly gendered component, sexual violence is NOT an exclusively “men abusing women” situation. This is a book that was written for cis white women who are starting to dip their toes into feminist literature.
This book fails to clearly define harm and it seems to believe that men are more empowered and privileged than women in all of their sexual interactions. For a book hoping to be intersectional, you just cannot flatten privilege and oppression into a question of gender alone. I was glad that they examined ways in which other experiences of marginalisation can impact a persons sexual experiences in the world, but unfortunately this was frustratingly surface level.
The book repeatedly speaks of the “growing problem of sexual violence” without ever providing evidence that confirms there is in fact a growing problem - which is a pretty substantial thing to say. When studies are used they’re typically used to describe how widespread an issue is, not ever to compare how sexual violence has changed over time. It was frustrating that for such an important claim we weren’t given any supporting evidence (particularly when the cover acts as though we will be told of the origins of sexual violence).
Overall, Rough isn’t what it could have been. It would work fine as an introduction into gendered sexual violence towards women in the west. I am sure there are many women who will find this work incredibly helpful and influential, they will see themselves reflected in it and I am glad for that.
Despite the book claiming to have an intersectional analysis of sexual violence, unfortunately the author gives no more than a sentence or two on the fact that all people of all genders can be perpetrators and victims of sexual violence. The books main message is “men do sexual violence to women”, and while yes - sexual violence often has a highly gendered component, sexual violence is NOT an exclusively “men abusing women” situation. This is a book that was written for cis white women who are starting to dip their toes into feminist literature.
This book fails to clearly define harm and it seems to believe that men are more empowered and privileged than women in all of their sexual interactions. For a book hoping to be intersectional, you just cannot flatten privilege and oppression into a question of gender alone. I was glad that they examined ways in which other experiences of marginalisation can impact a persons sexual experiences in the world, but unfortunately this was frustratingly surface level.
The book repeatedly speaks of the “growing problem of sexual violence” without ever providing evidence that confirms there is in fact a growing problem - which is a pretty substantial thing to say. When studies are used they’re typically used to describe how widespread an issue is, not ever to compare how sexual violence has changed over time. It was frustrating that for such an important claim we weren’t given any supporting evidence (particularly when the cover acts as though we will be told of the origins of sexual violence).
Overall, Rough isn’t what it could have been. It would work fine as an introduction into gendered sexual violence towards women in the west. I am sure there are many women who will find this work incredibly helpful and influential, they will see themselves reflected in it and I am glad for that.
July 5, 2022
Uma concisa exploração da violência de género, nos seus aspetos mais recentes e tecnológicos.
O Estado britânico é, essencialmente, um estado que descriminalizou a violação. E isto não se diz de cabeça quente. 2020 foi o ano com menos condenações por crimes sexuais violentos, sendo que apenas 1.4% dos crimes reportados chegaram a uma sala de tribunal. Funcionários do Ministério Público são encorajados a largar casos “fracos”, “cinzentos”, “ambíguos”, ainda não há tipificaçao do femicidio, do on-line flashing…
Apesar disso, este livro não pode ser chamado revolucionário, como muitas vezes é descrito, principalmente para quem já leu Lerner, Hooks ou Butler. Contenta-se com a superfície da violência exercida sobre as mulheres, quase com medo de assustar alguns leitores.
Pelo contrario, precisamos de mais Dworkins: “Im a radical Feminist, Not the fun kind”
O Estado britânico é, essencialmente, um estado que descriminalizou a violação. E isto não se diz de cabeça quente. 2020 foi o ano com menos condenações por crimes sexuais violentos, sendo que apenas 1.4% dos crimes reportados chegaram a uma sala de tribunal. Funcionários do Ministério Público são encorajados a largar casos “fracos”, “cinzentos”, “ambíguos”, ainda não há tipificaçao do femicidio, do on-line flashing…
Apesar disso, este livro não pode ser chamado revolucionário, como muitas vezes é descrito, principalmente para quem já leu Lerner, Hooks ou Butler. Contenta-se com a superfície da violência exercida sobre as mulheres, quase com medo de assustar alguns leitores.
Pelo contrario, precisamos de mais Dworkins: “Im a radical Feminist, Not the fun kind”
December 23, 2024
Verplicht voor ieders leeslijst om bewustzijn te creëren, vooral onder jongeren! Het kan er denk ik voor zorgen dat veel slachtoffers van seksueel geweld zich minder alleen voelen.
Maar: redelijk veel herhaling, vooral focus op cis-hetero vrouwen; mannelijke slachtoffers van seksueel geweld en man-man relaties worden niet genoemd. Verder niet echt revolutionair: oplossingen worden nauwelijks genoemd behalve 'benoem je seksuele wensen', sex-ed verbeteren en stoppen met misogynie. Tja.
'How violence made its way into the bedroom' blijf ik gek vinden, want het is er altijd al geweest.
Al met al een goed boek om tot de realisatie te komen dat er nog veel moet gebeuren.
Maar: redelijk veel herhaling, vooral focus op cis-hetero vrouwen; mannelijke slachtoffers van seksueel geweld en man-man relaties worden niet genoemd. Verder niet echt revolutionair: oplossingen worden nauwelijks genoemd behalve 'benoem je seksuele wensen', sex-ed verbeteren en stoppen met misogynie. Tja.
'How violence made its way into the bedroom' blijf ik gek vinden, want het is er altijd al geweest.
Al met al een goed boek om tot de realisatie te komen dat er nog veel moet gebeuren.
March 3, 2025
Possibly a 3.5. Started off strong and very much felt like I related to this book and that it touched on important topics. But I don’t think I liked the use of “grey area” sex. I think it was used to help people come to terms with experiences they may not have acknowledged yet, but with this it diminished the experiences of those who have as to me the term was quite invalidating, leaving the ambiguity.
May 7, 2024
her pen was on absolute fire w that conclusion.
this audiobook was such an important read and while i agree w other review that it should have maybe included a chapter or two on male victims i still think it was very well done and highly encourage reading it.
this audiobook was such an important read and while i agree w other review that it should have maybe included a chapter or two on male victims i still think it was very well done and highly encourage reading it.
April 7, 2025
I listened to it via audiobook on Spotify and it was better for me to dip into this over the past months, listening to a chapter at a time. Although at times repetitive, I thought it was brilliantly written: powerful, insightful, clear and so thought provoking. A must read.
May 18, 2022
This book is amazing for understanding sexual assault, trans issues, toxic masculinity. Amazing.
July 7, 2022
Absolutely amazing, nothing revolutionary necessarily, but still a fabulous read
January 15, 2025
This is the stupidest take on a very serious topic. TLDR for anyone who doesn't have time to read my rant: Libfem brain rot stance that argues that we live in a hypersexualised society (don't know how it got that way though, nothing to do with porn!) that actively harms women and girls but why don't they just say no to men's violence duh! 🤡
I lost brain cells reading this due to how many times I smacked the palm of my hand into my forehead.
The rant... grouped into 2 sections for your convenience...!
1. Pro-porn and "kinkphobia"
This is a book that was meant to explore the increase of violence in sex and the 'rough sex' legal defence (UK law). What it did instead was detail accounts of women's sexual encounters, some of them rape and sexual assault and some were bad experiences. Did this book look at why women were experiencing an increase in violent sexual acts, like choking, slapping, hitting, and other demeaning acts? No. Instead, the author DEFENDED porn, actually stating A LIE that there is no proof porn is bad for you. Just to list a few of the proven harms of porn:
- shrinks pleasure centre of brain
- addiction
- endorphin decrease
- need for more extreme content for endorphin release
- objectification of women and girls
- drives sex trafficking and sexual slavery
- disembodiment from sex acts
- exposure to violence and torture and abuse
- stereotyping of women
- abuse of porn performers
- spy camera abuse
- filming of abuse
- child exploitation images and videos
- encouragement of sexual degeneracy
I could go on! The author actually argues that despite this massive increase in violence in sex and the increase of women dying after "rough" sex (a.k.a. pornrot addled men killing women for sexual gratification - because there is NO WAY you don't notice the person you are having sex with is dead unless your brain has been warped to view women as 2D masturbation aids you can do anything you want to) has nothing to do with porn. Instead, the author argues that "feminist porn" (no such thing) should be consumed instead of tube site porn and that we should all learn about BDSM aftercare...… because that'll really stop abusive, misogynistic men in their tracks, won't it! Bringing me onto "kinkphobia" - a phrase the author said in all seriousness! The author argues that "kink shaming" is bad because it stigmatises people who want to engage in "rough" sex and encourages men to do it to unconsetting women. WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK. No arguments here about responsibilities or emotional intelligence or sexual maturity or legality. In the UK, you can not consent to a certain type of harm (called GBH). I.e. you can consent to get hurt during the course of a normal sports game that follows the rules but not another player hitting you with wooden plank. So, in the context of sex, the argument should be that you can not consent to being hurt passed certain level of injury no matter what the "kink" is - no matter if BDSM "aftercare" is applied. That obviously includes injury and death. The author seems to view "rough" sex and sexual assault injuries as a simple miscommunication in BDSM style sex. Why are women and girls under pressure to perform sex acts that are dangerous, demeaning, and torturous? Why are men viewing extreme porn and then wanting to re-enact it on the bodies of the women they encounter? Porn is poisonous, anti-human, and woman hating and teaches men and boys how to torture women. To be pro-porn is to be anti-woman.
Secondly, sex is meant to be private. If you advocate for sex and "kinks" to be in the public realm, like the author clearly does, then I'm calling you a perverted degenerate because that's what you are. Shame is a natural human emotion that teaches individuals to behave in a pro-social manner and provides society with a way to condemn anti-social or harmful behaviour. Our society needs more shaming of sexual degenerate perverts, not less. Further, people and children should not be subjected to your sexual perversions in public. It's disgusting, immoral, and illegal!
2. Gender ideology
The first time the author said "cishet," I really should have given up at that point. It's not a surprise that the author is pro an ideology that is all about violating women and children's privacy and boundaries considering her pro-porn and pro-kink stances. The author makes constant reference to "transwomen, non-binaries and femmes" throughout this book. What this means is that the author is putting the women who have experienced violence sexual encounters into the same category (trans identified men) that are most likely to commit those violent sexual crimes. In the UK, 70% of the male prison population who identify as transgender have committed sexual and violent crimes. Compared to the male prison population that don't claim they're transgender, it's about 20%. That's a shocking inditement that gender ideology is nothing but a men's sexual rights movement.
All in all, I hope the author recovers from her bad case of libfem brain rot soon before there's nothing left. Radical feminist theory is the cure!
I lost brain cells reading this due to how many times I smacked the palm of my hand into my forehead.
The rant... grouped into 2 sections for your convenience...!
1. Pro-porn and "kinkphobia"
This is a book that was meant to explore the increase of violence in sex and the 'rough sex' legal defence (UK law). What it did instead was detail accounts of women's sexual encounters, some of them rape and sexual assault and some were bad experiences. Did this book look at why women were experiencing an increase in violent sexual acts, like choking, slapping, hitting, and other demeaning acts? No. Instead, the author DEFENDED porn, actually stating A LIE that there is no proof porn is bad for you. Just to list a few of the proven harms of porn:
- shrinks pleasure centre of brain
- addiction
- endorphin decrease
- need for more extreme content for endorphin release
- objectification of women and girls
- drives sex trafficking and sexual slavery
- disembodiment from sex acts
- exposure to violence and torture and abuse
- stereotyping of women
- abuse of porn performers
- spy camera abuse
- filming of abuse
- child exploitation images and videos
- encouragement of sexual degeneracy
I could go on! The author actually argues that despite this massive increase in violence in sex and the increase of women dying after "rough" sex (a.k.a. pornrot addled men killing women for sexual gratification - because there is NO WAY you don't notice the person you are having sex with is dead unless your brain has been warped to view women as 2D masturbation aids you can do anything you want to) has nothing to do with porn. Instead, the author argues that "feminist porn" (no such thing) should be consumed instead of tube site porn and that we should all learn about BDSM aftercare...… because that'll really stop abusive, misogynistic men in their tracks, won't it! Bringing me onto "kinkphobia" - a phrase the author said in all seriousness! The author argues that "kink shaming" is bad because it stigmatises people who want to engage in "rough" sex and encourages men to do it to unconsetting women. WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK. No arguments here about responsibilities or emotional intelligence or sexual maturity or legality. In the UK, you can not consent to a certain type of harm (called GBH). I.e. you can consent to get hurt during the course of a normal sports game that follows the rules but not another player hitting you with wooden plank. So, in the context of sex, the argument should be that you can not consent to being hurt passed certain level of injury no matter what the "kink" is - no matter if BDSM "aftercare" is applied. That obviously includes injury and death. The author seems to view "rough" sex and sexual assault injuries as a simple miscommunication in BDSM style sex. Why are women and girls under pressure to perform sex acts that are dangerous, demeaning, and torturous? Why are men viewing extreme porn and then wanting to re-enact it on the bodies of the women they encounter? Porn is poisonous, anti-human, and woman hating and teaches men and boys how to torture women. To be pro-porn is to be anti-woman.
Secondly, sex is meant to be private. If you advocate for sex and "kinks" to be in the public realm, like the author clearly does, then I'm calling you a perverted degenerate because that's what you are. Shame is a natural human emotion that teaches individuals to behave in a pro-social manner and provides society with a way to condemn anti-social or harmful behaviour. Our society needs more shaming of sexual degenerate perverts, not less. Further, people and children should not be subjected to your sexual perversions in public. It's disgusting, immoral, and illegal!
2. Gender ideology
The first time the author said "cishet," I really should have given up at that point. It's not a surprise that the author is pro an ideology that is all about violating women and children's privacy and boundaries considering her pro-porn and pro-kink stances. The author makes constant reference to "transwomen, non-binaries and femmes" throughout this book. What this means is that the author is putting the women who have experienced violence sexual encounters into the same category (trans identified men) that are most likely to commit those violent sexual crimes. In the UK, 70% of the male prison population who identify as transgender have committed sexual and violent crimes. Compared to the male prison population that don't claim they're transgender, it's about 20%. That's a shocking inditement that gender ideology is nothing but a men's sexual rights movement.
All in all, I hope the author recovers from her bad case of libfem brain rot soon before there's nothing left. Radical feminist theory is the cure!
November 24, 2024
I think this is an important book for sure, but it becomes a repetition of statistics and is disappointingly surface level.
August 22, 2021
CW: sexual violence (in many forms!) sexual assault, rape
“If a woman says she feels harmed after a sexual experience, we rush to ascertain ‘was it consensual?’ If she answers ‘yes’, the tendency is to close down those conversations, as if she doesn’t have the right to feel violated… Is the bar for sex so low that all we require is for it to be consensual? Consent is mandatory, but let’s not forget, it’s also the bare minimum.”
This is an incredibly important and enlightening book. Thank you so much to NetGalley for the EARC!
Rough is primarily about the nature of consent, and the danger of assuming a yes/no binary of consent during sexual encounters. It offers a stark analysis of the ‘grey areas’ of sex (for example stealthing, non-consensual ‘rough sex’ and other intersectional-specific sexual aggressions) in order to highlight the prevalence of sexual violence occurring behind closed doors. It also raises essential questions regarding the legal and social frameworks we use in discussing these encounters.
What I found the most resonant was Thompson’s approach. Facts, statistics and examples were presented without judgement. For example, she suggested some of the problems stemming from the prevalence of pornography without demonising consumers or sex workers, with practical and reasonable solutions to these problems.
She also highlights the importance of language. For example, seeing in writing the implicit bias in language towards heterosexual sex showed really clearly the ways in which the LGBTQ+ community struggle (especially in legal terms) when dealing with instances of sexual violence. There are also a few chapters focused on the need for decolonisation in the bedroom and how racial micro and macro aggressions can have a detrimental affect on sexual experiences. In each chapter, Thompson debunks how societal systems of oppression towards misogyny, racism, fatphobia, ableism and LGBTQ+ phobias cause problems for all of the oppressed, resulting in a culture of victim blaming and/or denial.
Overall, I couldn’t recommend this book highly enough!
“If a woman says she feels harmed after a sexual experience, we rush to ascertain ‘was it consensual?’ If she answers ‘yes’, the tendency is to close down those conversations, as if she doesn’t have the right to feel violated… Is the bar for sex so low that all we require is for it to be consensual? Consent is mandatory, but let’s not forget, it’s also the bare minimum.”
This is an incredibly important and enlightening book. Thank you so much to NetGalley for the EARC!
Rough is primarily about the nature of consent, and the danger of assuming a yes/no binary of consent during sexual encounters. It offers a stark analysis of the ‘grey areas’ of sex (for example stealthing, non-consensual ‘rough sex’ and other intersectional-specific sexual aggressions) in order to highlight the prevalence of sexual violence occurring behind closed doors. It also raises essential questions regarding the legal and social frameworks we use in discussing these encounters.
What I found the most resonant was Thompson’s approach. Facts, statistics and examples were presented without judgement. For example, she suggested some of the problems stemming from the prevalence of pornography without demonising consumers or sex workers, with practical and reasonable solutions to these problems.
She also highlights the importance of language. For example, seeing in writing the implicit bias in language towards heterosexual sex showed really clearly the ways in which the LGBTQ+ community struggle (especially in legal terms) when dealing with instances of sexual violence. There are also a few chapters focused on the need for decolonisation in the bedroom and how racial micro and macro aggressions can have a detrimental affect on sexual experiences. In each chapter, Thompson debunks how societal systems of oppression towards misogyny, racism, fatphobia, ableism and LGBTQ+ phobias cause problems for all of the oppressed, resulting in a culture of victim blaming and/or denial.
Overall, I couldn’t recommend this book highly enough!
April 26, 2022
I enjoyed this book and think it poses a lot of important issues to discuss and reflect upon, but I am so so disappointed that the subject of male assault and consent was not investigated. The author did their best to include every intersection of society it appears yet they didn’t look into how men are rarely asked for their consent and the pressure they are under to be sexual at any given moment due to peer pressure, gender norms, and toxic masculinity. The book is only really written about women and how they may not consider they’ve been assaulted or abused and I couldn’t help but think all the way through it that it was really narrow minded to keep referring to (in general) victims as women with female pronouns. It’s an important conversation that men deserve to be a part of - have they ever considered that they too have undergone any of these issues of unwanted sex, digital flashing, someone saying they’re using contraceptives when they’re not? The racial fetishisation of black men and men of colour by women - specifically white women? Some of whom have reportedly used slurs when intimate, which has been a discussion point among POC. Queer men and trans men are briefly mentioned but not really in any substantial way.
The book has the right idea, I just wish the execution was better.
The book has the right idea, I just wish the execution was better.
December 29, 2021
I was so excited to read this book ahead of writing my masters dissertation on a similar topic- I even had it pre ordered... which is wild for me. However, I was left slightly disappointed.
Firstly, I think this book is a great introduction to these topics! It features some real life accounts and serves us with some hard hitting moments whilst reading these. It provides facts, figures but it lacked any real depth or exploration. I realise this may be an unfair point as I am used to reading scholarly articles on the topic; it's likely this book was probably not aiming to be that.
That being said, an intersectional approach would have been nice as many identities were left out. As well, the book gives little ideas and discussions surround 'what we can do about it'... which is kind of the reason why I was excited to read this book.
So, as I said, 'Rough' is a good introduction to the topic for those looking to learn more. Unfortunately, it had the opportunity to do and be so much more, but missed the mark a little.
Firstly, I think this book is a great introduction to these topics! It features some real life accounts and serves us with some hard hitting moments whilst reading these. It provides facts, figures but it lacked any real depth or exploration. I realise this may be an unfair point as I am used to reading scholarly articles on the topic; it's likely this book was probably not aiming to be that.
That being said, an intersectional approach would have been nice as many identities were left out. As well, the book gives little ideas and discussions surround 'what we can do about it'... which is kind of the reason why I was excited to read this book.
So, as I said, 'Rough' is a good introduction to the topic for those looking to learn more. Unfortunately, it had the opportunity to do and be so much more, but missed the mark a little.
June 14, 2022
3.5 As I work in the industry of sex positivity/education a lot of this information wasn’t new to me which is why I didn’t score it higher. I had been hoping for something more discussing how our tastes for violence during sex have developed etc…However, it is a great synopsis of sexual violence and the need for changes in the way we engage with each other for those need to the subject.
November 21, 2021
I judged this a little too quickly! It is very detailed and careful and brings up really good themes, but I wish there had been less of a focus on male = perpetrator female = victim. Just an extra chapter on cis men also being victims of male violence would have been ideal!
September 3, 2021
A necessary book that unfortunately for me doesn't answer the questions suggested on the covers tagline or blurb. I don't feel I've learned anything.
January 12, 2022
Well written and researched with a wide range of topics but could have delved a bit deeper into the topics suggested by the blurb
May 8, 2022
I suppose I just wanted more
April 5, 2025
наконец-то 😭 я уже настолько через силу дочитывала, что непонятно, как меня вообще хватило. в целом, книга хорошая: очень много статистики, конкретных исследований и просто материалов по теме. рассмотрели тут разные темы, начиная от кинка (и его отсутствия) на удушение и заканчивая фэтфобией и эйблизмом. честно, очень страшно было читать, сколько женщин сталкивались с насилием.
в минусы отнесу перевод, во-первых. как я уже говорила, удивительно читать в одном тексте слова «стелсинг», «апскертинг» и «инвалидофобия», «огульно». как-то, кажется, надо было все-таки разобраться, каким языком вы хотите говорить с читателем. плюс, многие прдложения – калька с английского. нагромождение существительных, огромные пространные предложения, к концу которых уже теряешь смысл первой половины. порой опускались местоимения там, где они как раз были нужны. второй минус – это недораскрытие авторкой некоторых тем. с тем же фэтшеймингом, переходящим в фэт-фетишизацию. как будто бы, да, о чем еще сказать, кроме того, что такие ситуации существуют, вот вам несколько историй. но, может, это и парадоксально, я почувствовала себя как в той ситуации, когда ты стараешься в транспорте или каком-то общественн��м пространстве занять как можно меньше места. даже вот эти приведенные истории из личного опыта респонденток – они словно описаны какими-то общими словами, что ли. примерно то же самое с главой про эйблизм.
в общем, neh. не знаю, стала бы я рекомендовать кому-то эту книгу или нет, хотя бы потому, что нонфикшн я не особо читаю и альтернатив у меня нет. зато finally можно читать худлит. 🥵
цитаты:
⠀⠀⠀⠀из-за того, что он был свидетелем моего припадка, он проводил меня в общежитие, когда я еще не оправилась от обморока и не могла вспомнить, где живу, я думала, он хороший парень.
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀/
⠀⠀⠀⠀преуменьшение насилия с помощью витиеватых, расплывчатых понятий и формулировок подпитывает культуру вседозволенности.
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀/
⠀⠀⠀⠀мы постоянно совершаем взаимодействие, требующее обоюдного согласия и непрестанно сверяемся друг с другом. однако, когда дело доходит до секса, мы ведем себя так, словно на него эти правила не распространяются.
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀/
⠀⠀⠀⠀заявляя, что оральный секс, мануальное стимулирование, взаимная мастурбация и другие виды секса – это всего лишь разминка, а не основное событие, даем основание считать классический секс наиболее законной формой секса. таким образом возникает иерархия сексуальных действий, в которых определенные виды секса представляются более приемлемыми в сравнении с другими. эта иерархия опасна еще и по той причине, что она подкрепляет убеждение: только определенные действия требуют согласия, поскольку они являются более законной формой секса.
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀/
⠀⠀⠀⠀в публикации «пострадавшие от сексуального насилия» келли утверждает, что мужчинам на индивидуальном и групповом уровне «выгодны ограничивающие определения сексуального насилия, которые отделяют маленькую группу "ненормальных" мужчин от "нормального" большинства».
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀/
⠀⠀⠀⠀<...> эти истории проходят мимо нас. о них не рассказывают в новостях. может быть, потому что это не жестокое нападение незнакомого насильника. возможно, потому что в них не участвовали знаменитости. или они просто не подходят под принятый «сценарий насилия».
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀/
⠀⠀⠀⠀в 19 лет кара не знала, что непроизнесенное вслух «нет» не равняется слову «да». она также не знала, что имеет право сказать «нет» после того, как уже сказала «да» – и к ее ответу обязаны прислушаться. теперь кара знает, что существуют люди, которые не примут ее молчание за положительный ответ. и она в любой момент может сменить положительный ответ на отрицательный.
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀/
⠀⠀⠀⠀вместо того, чтобы осуждать выбор, сделанный женщинами, нам следует обратить внимание на контекст, в котором было принято решение.
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀/
⠀⠀⠀⠀людям с надежным типом привязанности комфортно с романтическими партнерами – они с легкостью дарят и принимают любовь и редко волнуются, что партнер может из бросить. представители тревожно-устойчивого типа боятся, что партнер покинет их, и переживают о том, что ответные чувства партнера не так сильны, как их собственные. люди с тревожно-избегающим типом привязанности предпочитают не показывать своих чувств к партнеру и не хотят быть уязвимыми.
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀/
⠀⠀⠀⠀«парадоксально, но сексуальное раскрепощение женщин используется против них самих, в целях защиты мужчин, которые их убивают».
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀/
⠀⠀⠀⠀<...> они отрицают одну очевидную и важную истину. многим женщинам не так легко прямо сказать «нет», как вы думаете.
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀/
⠀⠀⠀⠀помимо поддержки и утешения, в словах «ты не одна» есть нотка печали. стыдно, что подобные истории случаются повсеместно. да по крайней мере, у нас есть цифры. но что, если наше общество просто примет эти цифры, какими бы ужасными они ни были? я хочу жить в мире, где не будет таких историй, как наша. хочу, чтобы веерница насилия, передаваемого из поколения в поколение, подобно семейной реликвии, перестала существовать вместе с нами. не хочу, чтобы пережитое насилие было единственным, что всех нас объединяет.
в минусы отнесу перевод, во-первых. как я уже говорила, удивительно читать в одном тексте слова «стелсинг», «апскертинг» и «инвалидофобия», «огульно». как-то, кажется, надо было все-таки разобраться, каким языком вы хотите говорить с читателем. плюс, многие прдложения – калька с английского. нагромождение существительных, огромные пространные предложения, к концу которых уже теряешь смысл первой половины. порой опускались местоимения там, где они как раз были нужны. второй минус – это недораскрытие авторкой некоторых тем. с тем же фэтшеймингом, переходящим в фэт-фетишизацию. как будто бы, да, о чем еще сказать, кроме того, что такие ситуации существуют, вот вам несколько историй. но, может, это и парадоксально, я почувствовала себя как в той ситуации, когда ты стараешься в транспорте или каком-то общественн��м пространстве занять как можно меньше места. даже вот эти приведенные истории из личного опыта респонденток – они словно описаны какими-то общими словами, что ли. примерно то же самое с главой про эйблизм.
в общем, neh. не знаю, стала бы я рекомендовать кому-то эту книгу или нет, хотя бы потому, что нонфикшн я не особо читаю и альтернатив у меня нет. зато finally можно читать худлит. 🥵
цитаты:
⠀⠀⠀⠀из-за того, что он был свидетелем моего припадка, он проводил меня в общежитие, когда я еще не оправилась от обморока и не могла вспомнить, где живу, я думала, он хороший парень.
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀/
⠀⠀⠀⠀преуменьшение насилия с помощью витиеватых, расплывчатых понятий и формулировок подпитывает культуру вседозволенности.
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀/
⠀⠀⠀⠀мы постоянно совершаем взаимодействие, требующее обоюдного согласия и непрестанно сверяемся друг с другом. однако, когда дело доходит до секса, мы ведем себя так, словно на него эти правила не распространяются.
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀/
⠀⠀⠀⠀заявляя, что оральный секс, мануальное стимулирование, взаимная мастурбация и другие виды секса – это всего лишь разминка, а не основное событие, даем основание считать классический секс наиболее законной формой секса. таким образом возникает иерархия сексуальных действий, в которых определенные виды секса представляются более приемлемыми в сравнении с другими. эта иерархия опасна еще и по той причине, что она подкрепляет убеждение: только определенные действия требуют согласия, поскольку они являются более законной формой секса.
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀/
⠀⠀⠀⠀в публикации «пострадавшие от сексуального насилия» келли утверждает, что мужчинам на индивидуальном и групповом уровне «выгодны ограничивающие определения сексуального насилия, которые отделяют маленькую группу "ненормальных" мужчин от "нормального" большинства».
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀/
⠀⠀⠀⠀<...> эти истории проходят мимо нас. о них не рассказывают в новостях. может быть, потому что это не жестокое нападение незнакомого насильника. возможно, потому что в них не участвовали знаменитости. или они просто не подходят под принятый «сценарий насилия».
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀/
⠀⠀⠀⠀в 19 лет кара не знала, что непроизнесенное вслух «нет» не равняется слову «да». она также не знала, что имеет право сказать «нет» после того, как уже сказала «да» – и к ее ответу обязаны прислушаться. теперь кара знает, что существуют люди, которые не примут ее молчание за положительный ответ. и она в любой момент может сменить положительный ответ на отрицательный.
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀/
⠀⠀⠀⠀вместо того, чтобы осуждать выбор, сделанный женщинами, нам следует обратить внимание на контекст, в котором было принято решение.
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀/
⠀⠀⠀⠀людям с надежным типом привязанности комфортно с романтическими партнерами – они с легкостью дарят и принимают любовь и редко волнуются, что партнер может из бросить. представители тревожно-устойчивого типа боятся, что партнер покинет их, и переживают о том, что ответные чувства партнера не так сильны, как их собственные. люди с тревожно-избегающим типом привязанности предпочитают не показывать своих чувств к партнеру и не хотят быть уязвимыми.
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀/
⠀⠀⠀⠀«парадоксально, но сексуальное раскрепощение женщин используется против них самих, в целях защиты мужчин, которые их убивают».
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀/
⠀⠀⠀⠀<...> они отрицают одну очевидную и важную истину. многим женщинам не так легко прямо сказать «нет», как вы думаете.
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀/
⠀⠀⠀⠀помимо поддержки и утешения, в словах «ты не одна» есть нотка печали. стыдно, что подобные истории случаются повсеместно. да по крайней мере, у нас есть цифры. но что, если наше общество просто примет эти цифры, какими бы ужасными они ни были? я хочу жить в мире, где не будет таких историй, как наша. хочу, чтобы веерница насилия, передаваемого из поколения в поколение, подобно семейной реликвии, перестала существовать вместе с нами. не хочу, чтобы пережитое насилие было единственным, что всех нас объединяет.
July 3, 2021
Genre: Non-Fiction
Release Date: Expected 26th August 2021
Publisher: Pan Macmillan UK - Square Peg
"For every women, every femme, every non-binary person who's ever experienced something they didn't have the words to define. For those who've experienced something they'd rather forget. Who felt that what happened to them didn't match up to what they consented to. Who felt their experienced was just a 'gray area' or 'just bad sex' or 'not rape, but...'. Who were harmed, and didn't believe they had the right to feel that way."
Rough is a collection of the stories of fifty different women and non-binary people at their experience with sexual violence. It read more like a collection of personal anectodes with some facts and statistics alongside, so was (writing-wise) very easy to read and absorb, despite the content being very hard to read in places. It had a very personal feel to it, as though the writer is talking directly to us through these stories and reaching a familiarly painful place in all of us.
"There is a very specific type of lonliness that comes with not being to speak about these things. I didn't know that the women in my life were silently dealing with the very same thing."
Dealing with a range of issues that we are taught not to talk about, from the use of language such as 'unconsensual sex' that waters down the violence and the violation that is rape, to more subtle acts of sexual violence such as 'stealthing', the way we excuse non-consentual kink if someone has previously engaged in BDSM or other kinks and how we often view forced sex in relationships as a totally normal thing. Also bringing an open conversation into the 'gray' areas of sex, like consentual sex that is not wanted or desired but done regardless - this book may not have told me many things I didn't already know, but gave me a further insight into people from different backgrounds who've lived through similar experiences. This book is a conversation starter.
This book is kink-positive, sex-positive and consent-postive - looking into the other issues that tie in with sexual violence like racism, ableism,transphobia, fatphobia and other driving forces, blatant and microaggressive behind violence that the world is now starting to pay attention to.
RATING: ⭐⭐⭐⭐
Thank you to Rachel Thompson, Random House UK and Netgalley for this ARC in return for an honest review.
June 26, 2021
“The fact that most women who experience forced sex don’t call it rape is shocking”.
Trigger warnings: sexual assault, rape, sexual violence repeatedly throughout the book.
Rachel covers the varying levels of overt and covert sexual violence both men and women experience throughout their lifetimes. She delivers cold, hard facts using contemporary examples and confidential, related anecdotes, breaking them down and leaving no stone unturned. She addresses various 'grey area' points and displays the disparity in understanding around ‘consent’ as well as the legal protections in place in the UK.
The book paves the way for future discussions on consensual behaviour. Rachel also covers violence we face in sexual experiences outside of the obvious, covert violent rages we see displayed in the media and online. She applies an intersectional approach to each chapter, addressing issues faced by specific groups, including the LGBTQ+, black, brown, disabled, fat and male experience. I'm grateful to have learnt more in-depth about specific issues each community faces, with discussion directly led those directly affected. If we don't listen, we can't learn and improve.
External to the intersectional experiences of sexual violence, Rachel covers various behaviours that can turn toxic, including unwanted sex, fetishes, over-sexualisation and kinks, as well as addressing dyspareunia - sexual pain. Sexual pain is increasingly common and the author shifts from the usual framing of a woman being broken to providing very real explanations and solutions. As well as that, she provides hope by presenting first-hand accounts and draws on popular current examples we see on Netflix to help understanding.
I learnt so much more than I expected in this book. Sexual violence is engrained in our policies, in our laws and in the media we consume. Men, women and non-binary people deserve to be safer and increasing discussions and awareness alongside recommending resources and next steps is a great step in the right direction. Bravo.
Thank you NetGalley and Random House UK, Vintage for the ARC!
Trigger warnings: sexual assault, rape, sexual violence repeatedly throughout the book.
Rachel covers the varying levels of overt and covert sexual violence both men and women experience throughout their lifetimes. She delivers cold, hard facts using contemporary examples and confidential, related anecdotes, breaking them down and leaving no stone unturned. She addresses various 'grey area' points and displays the disparity in understanding around ‘consent’ as well as the legal protections in place in the UK.
The book paves the way for future discussions on consensual behaviour. Rachel also covers violence we face in sexual experiences outside of the obvious, covert violent rages we see displayed in the media and online. She applies an intersectional approach to each chapter, addressing issues faced by specific groups, including the LGBTQ+, black, brown, disabled, fat and male experience. I'm grateful to have learnt more in-depth about specific issues each community faces, with discussion directly led those directly affected. If we don't listen, we can't learn and improve.
External to the intersectional experiences of sexual violence, Rachel covers various behaviours that can turn toxic, including unwanted sex, fetishes, over-sexualisation and kinks, as well as addressing dyspareunia - sexual pain. Sexual pain is increasingly common and the author shifts from the usual framing of a woman being broken to providing very real explanations and solutions. As well as that, she provides hope by presenting first-hand accounts and draws on popular current examples we see on Netflix to help understanding.
I learnt so much more than I expected in this book. Sexual violence is engrained in our policies, in our laws and in the media we consume. Men, women and non-binary people deserve to be safer and increasing discussions and awareness alongside recommending resources and next steps is a great step in the right direction. Bravo.
Thank you NetGalley and Random House UK, Vintage for the ARC!
Displaying 1 - 30 of 87 reviews