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This Time for Me: A Memoir
An emotional, funny, and fabulous memoir by trailblazing and award-winning Trans actor and activist Alexandra Billings.
Born in 1962, Alexandra Billings grew up in a decade in which being herself was illegal. When she started transitioning in 1980, the word “Transgender” was not commonly used. With no Trans role models and no path to follow, Alexandra did what her family, teachers, and even friends said was impossible: Alexandra forged ahead.
Spanning five decades, from profound lows to exhilarating highs, This Time for Me captures the events of a pioneering life. An award-winning actor and history-making LGBTQ and HIV/AIDS activist, Alexandra shares not only her own ever-evolving story but also the parallel ways in which queer identity has dramatically changed since the Stonewall riots of 1969. She weaves a true coming-of-age story of richly imaginative lies, of friends being swept away by a plague that decimated the community, of her determination to establish a career that would break boundaries, and of the recognition of her own power.
A celebration of endless possibilities, Alexandra’s bracing memoir is a fight-to-the-death revolution against all expectations.
Born in 1962, Alexandra Billings grew up in a decade in which being herself was illegal. When she started transitioning in 1980, the word “Transgender” was not commonly used. With no Trans role models and no path to follow, Alexandra did what her family, teachers, and even friends said was impossible: Alexandra forged ahead.
Spanning five decades, from profound lows to exhilarating highs, This Time for Me captures the events of a pioneering life. An award-winning actor and history-making LGBTQ and HIV/AIDS activist, Alexandra shares not only her own ever-evolving story but also the parallel ways in which queer identity has dramatically changed since the Stonewall riots of 1969. She weaves a true coming-of-age story of richly imaginative lies, of friends being swept away by a plague that decimated the community, of her determination to establish a career that would break boundaries, and of the recognition of her own power.
A celebration of endless possibilities, Alexandra’s bracing memoir is a fight-to-the-death revolution against all expectations.
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Published April 1, 2022
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 137 reviews
March 25, 2022
Alexandra has lead an amazing life and has a penchant for storytelling, but this book needed a better editor. It was meandering at best and I couldn’t actually finish it because it dragged and skipped around too much to hold my attention.
March 13, 2022
Okay so I got this from @amazonkindle #amazonfirstreads and I really struggled it was chaotic and all over the place - it didn’t seem to have any real structure and it was pretty repetitive in themes but agin not really organized and after about 200 pages I just wanted it to be over but it went on for another 200— I still gave it three stars because how do you say someone’s memoir is bad (be like failing in an opinion paper you can’t fail someone on their own opinion or because you don’t agree…)- it was interesting at times shining light on the AIDS situation and trans issues which was interesting to read especially this past week with so much focus on trans rights and crazy laws but really I wouldn’t recommend it or buy it … chaotic life of drugs , prostitution, sickness etc with an ending in success but told in the same style as the life story CHAOS….
March 15, 2022
Unique viewpoints.
February 18, 2023
4.5/5 One of the most important voices in the trans community today. What an incredible journey and life story! Truly inspirational.
March 9, 2022
"I rediscovered what goodness truly meant and learned each night that without forgiveness of both oneself and others, one cannot ever truly fly free."
The memoir of Scott Shanté Alexandra Billings cannot be reviewed without their own words coming first.
This Time for Me touched me personally in places I would never had expected. Although Alexandra's life is different than mine, there are universal themes about Humanity that they speak of in such a way as to bring up hurts buried under lock and key.
"The man behind the curtain began to shriek and demand attention. Everything was not perfect. Not us, and not me. So we lied . ."
From the age of 4 or 5, Scott was aware that their happiness was based upon pleasing his mother, Mimi. Yet, they just wanted to dress in Mimi's clothes and makeup. Scott's father, a violent man, reinforced the danger they lived in.
"I was the Transgender child in the house, and my life revolved around secrecy and fear."
Scott survived because of their best friend, Chrisanne and her total acceptance of them. By the time they were 14, Scott was out on the streets of Chicago looking for answers and a place to fit in. Their first transformation was into a Drag Queen called Shanté.
"I had to discover that there was something more than me pretending to be someone I wasn’t."
Although Shanté made friends for life, found an acceptance they had never had, they learned that there was much more to themselves than just roleplaying. An inner actor and highly creative person was, quite literally, dying to get out.
"We’re no longer called Transsexuals. We’re called Transgender.” “Sounds like a detergent.”
Talking to their mentor, Shanté realizes that, although they can laugh about it, the transformer of themselves is still in progress. Changing their name legally to Alexandra Scott Billings, they start taking acting classes.
What I haven't spoken of yet, is the dehumanizing and degradating events Scott/Shanté goes through to to make it to this point in their life. I was heart broken and disgusted at the way Humanity gets away with treating others in the name of the law.
"There's more than enough time, we have more than enough money, and you are the light.”
Alexandra finally finds an ally, an acting professor who is willing to help them dig past the layers of lies, false identities and protections they have barriered themselves under. Alexandra, a person of color and a transgender person is the first assistant professor at the University of California at Long Beach.
Read this book! I'm not going to review the ending because it's incredible, awe-inspiring and one of the most hopeful stories I've read lately. It took me 5 days to recover from reading it to calmly write this review. I hope it touches you as well.
The memoir of Scott Shanté Alexandra Billings cannot be reviewed without their own words coming first.
This Time for Me touched me personally in places I would never had expected. Although Alexandra's life is different than mine, there are universal themes about Humanity that they speak of in such a way as to bring up hurts buried under lock and key.
"The man behind the curtain began to shriek and demand attention. Everything was not perfect. Not us, and not me. So we lied . ."
From the age of 4 or 5, Scott was aware that their happiness was based upon pleasing his mother, Mimi. Yet, they just wanted to dress in Mimi's clothes and makeup. Scott's father, a violent man, reinforced the danger they lived in.
"I was the Transgender child in the house, and my life revolved around secrecy and fear."
Scott survived because of their best friend, Chrisanne and her total acceptance of them. By the time they were 14, Scott was out on the streets of Chicago looking for answers and a place to fit in. Their first transformation was into a Drag Queen called Shanté.
"I had to discover that there was something more than me pretending to be someone I wasn’t."
Although Shanté made friends for life, found an acceptance they had never had, they learned that there was much more to themselves than just roleplaying. An inner actor and highly creative person was, quite literally, dying to get out.
"We’re no longer called Transsexuals. We’re called Transgender.” “Sounds like a detergent.”
Talking to their mentor, Shanté realizes that, although they can laugh about it, the transformer of themselves is still in progress. Changing their name legally to Alexandra Scott Billings, they start taking acting classes.
What I haven't spoken of yet, is the dehumanizing and degradating events Scott/Shanté goes through to to make it to this point in their life. I was heart broken and disgusted at the way Humanity gets away with treating others in the name of the law.
"There's more than enough time, we have more than enough money, and you are the light.”
Alexandra finally finds an ally, an acting professor who is willing to help them dig past the layers of lies, false identities and protections they have barriered themselves under. Alexandra, a person of color and a transgender person is the first assistant professor at the University of California at Long Beach.
Read this book! I'm not going to review the ending because it's incredible, awe-inspiring and one of the most hopeful stories I've read lately. It took me 5 days to recover from reading it to calmly write this review. I hope it touches you as well.
December 16, 2024
Er mjög conflicted með þessa bók. Saga Alexöndru Billings er ótrúleg og mögnuð og er mjög glöð að hafa lesið hana. Ég átti samt svo erfitt með hvað bókin er kaotísk og fer fram og til baka, fannst það draga mjög úr frásögninni. Góður editor hefði gert mikið fyrir þessa mikilvægu sögu.
July 30, 2022
This book made me sick. Physically sick. Way back when, when AIDS first started becoming main stream news, I had a wonderful friend who worked along side me while I was putting myself through undergrad school. "Mark" was one of the kindest, most humane people I had known till then and he always had a way of turning a frown into a smile for those who knew him. Fast forward a few years and I ran into him at the hospital. I had just gone in for one of my last routine mommy-to-be check ups. When I got into the elevator, there was Mark. But not the Mark I knew. He was thin and gaunt. A skeleton of the vivacious young man I had last seen. I went to hug him, and he pulled back shyly saying he had AIDS. At that moment I reacted without thinking - I stepped forward and gave him the biggest hug I could. When the elevator doors opened, he was still hugging me back. And crying. What he said next just about broke my heart. He explained that that was the first hug he had since finding out he had AIDS, his siblings had disowned him, his parents weren't even talking to him. It was the last time I saw Mark. He died very soon after. Alexandra's portrayal of this time, a time where homophobia ran as thick as tar in daily media, is told kindly. Telling of her personal journey, feels like a gut punch. I am left wondering where a person can find the courage to not only stand up (you may have been dumbfounded in the moment, Alexandra, but your voice is HEARD), but still give so much of themselves with grace and love. FYI, you can find Alexandra on public search engines. Read some of the hate mail she receives and take a lesson from her wit, fortitude, and human generosity.
March 11, 2022
so badly written
I have never watched transparent or even heard of Alexandra Billings but the details of the book sounded quite good. Reading this book was like having teeth pulled it was so painful. The story of Alexandra’s life was an amazing journey so why it had to be told in such a dreadful way is beyond my understanding. The memoirs didn’t make sense. Trying to understand where she was in her journey is essential but half the time I didn’t know if the particular memory she was sharing was before her diagnosis of AIDS the death of friends, family, where she was in her teaching career was it before or after her period of living on the street, when she was sober or still taking drugs. These things matter so you understand her mindset. If I had to hear about another person in her “chosen family” I was going to scream. She talked about not seeing people again for so many years or even at one point never again and then sudden she was talking about events that obviously involved them. Rewrite this please because you have so much to give of your life.
I have never watched transparent or even heard of Alexandra Billings but the details of the book sounded quite good. Reading this book was like having teeth pulled it was so painful. The story of Alexandra’s life was an amazing journey so why it had to be told in such a dreadful way is beyond my understanding. The memoirs didn’t make sense. Trying to understand where she was in her journey is essential but half the time I didn’t know if the particular memory she was sharing was before her diagnosis of AIDS the death of friends, family, where she was in her teaching career was it before or after her period of living on the street, when she was sober or still taking drugs. These things matter so you understand her mindset. If I had to hear about another person in her “chosen family” I was going to scream. She talked about not seeing people again for so many years or even at one point never again and then sudden she was talking about events that obviously involved them. Rewrite this please because you have so much to give of your life.
March 18, 2022
While I admired the story of the author's life, I didn't care for the way this book was put together. It seems to follow a mostly linear timeline format, but at some points I couldn't tell if one thing happened before another or if another thing had an impact on something else. There seemed to be a lot of jumping around which made the story confusing and convoluted.
That does not mean the Ms. Billings life isn't worth the read. It most certainly is. Her story is one of resilience through pain, and hope through heartbreak. She could have given up so many times, but stuck with life, finding her passions and discovering who she is. That is a lesson all of us need to learn. Her story is proof that it is never to late to follow a dream and to learn more about who you are in this crazy world where there are infinite possibilities.
That does not mean the Ms. Billings life isn't worth the read. It most certainly is. Her story is one of resilience through pain, and hope through heartbreak. She could have given up so many times, but stuck with life, finding her passions and discovering who she is. That is a lesson all of us need to learn. Her story is proof that it is never to late to follow a dream and to learn more about who you are in this crazy world where there are infinite possibilities.
January 3, 2023
I found Alexandra Billings's memoir absorbingly good despite the subject matter being difficult at many points (content note: substance use/addiction, suicide, sexual and physical assault, transphobia, AIDS epidemic). Although she lived through some terrible things, Billings is a survivor. She brings such raw honesty to this book, as well as a graceful, kind, and genuine connection with her reader - the same connection she makes on screen or social media. This was also a fascinating portrait of the life-so-far of an 'elder' trans person who has survived and achieved fame despite the odds as a trans woman living with AIDS since the early 90s.
Perhaps my favourite part was getting a window into the drag scene in Chicago in the 80s. Part of me wished she'd talked a bit more about her transition - her moments of realization and coming out to people in her life were kind of scattered through the book. While I voyeuristically wanted a more linear narrative, I also admired the way that her gender evolves and flows throughout the story without making this a pat "coming out" story. Being trans is a core part of who she is, but it's also not a story about being trans.
I love Alex's spirit. I love her complex, sweet relationship with Chrisann. I love the way her appreciation for the beauty of the human experience shines through despite her darkest moments. And although the intertexual ties to some films etc. seemed a bit cheesy and overdone at times, they made sense - for example, the Wizard of Oz references connect to her later role in Wicked on Broadway. Her fumbling her way through imposter syndrome as an new stage, and later screen, actor was delightfully human. Would recommend the audiobook, read expertly by Billings.
Perhaps my favourite part was getting a window into the drag scene in Chicago in the 80s. Part of me wished she'd talked a bit more about her transition - her moments of realization and coming out to people in her life were kind of scattered through the book. While I voyeuristically wanted a more linear narrative, I also admired the way that her gender evolves and flows throughout the story without making this a pat "coming out" story. Being trans is a core part of who she is, but it's also not a story about being trans.
I love Alex's spirit. I love her complex, sweet relationship with Chrisann. I love the way her appreciation for the beauty of the human experience shines through despite her darkest moments. And although the intertexual ties to some films etc. seemed a bit cheesy and overdone at times, they made sense - for example, the Wizard of Oz references connect to her later role in Wicked on Broadway. Her fumbling her way through imposter syndrome as an new stage, and later screen, actor was delightfully human. Would recommend the audiobook, read expertly by Billings.
August 30, 2022
This was a great insight into the lives of transgender people. The first half of the book was incredibly interesting and had my full attention. The last half wasn't quite as action packed, but summed everything up nicely.
July 3, 2022
I love her so much! I admit that it was a bit longer and meandering than I would care for but she was so charming and honest and real and funny that I didn’t mind so much.
I’m so glad she told her story.
I’m so glad she told her story.
May 29, 2022
I feel bad about not giving this a higher rating, because it is so raw and soul-baring. But it really needed more editing - maybe 30% less book! The timeline was confusing in parts as well. Interesting but so much detail and elaboration. Glad it was free.
February 19, 2023
Raw, honest, emotional, brilliant. I loved this book. Sometimes the skipping around chronologically disoriented me, but it also felt true.
***content warning for language, frank talk about sex and genitalia***
***content warning for language, frank talk about sex and genitalia***
March 19, 2022
Extraordinary account of a life of extraordinary accomplishment.
April 2, 2022
This was a very interesting read about navigating the world and finding your authentic self.
July 25, 2022
It is a good book about the being trans especially since me an the author are about the same age.
April 30, 2022
What an incredible, remarkable journey Alexandra’s life has been. I’ve been a fan and follower since her days on Chicago’s small stages and cabarets but I hand any idea of the life she was living and has lived. She tells her story with honesty, humor, and grace. It’s a lengthy memoir, but one that I never lost interest in, because of the way she tells her story. What a triumphant work.
May 11, 2022
Alexandra Billings: a trans, latinx women, an actress, a singer, a teacher, a star of stage & screen, a wife, and someone who has lived a crazy and full life. I have been a fan of Alexandra Billings for a long time, I feel like she has always been involved in some capacity in any show that I've watched, like Grey's or How To Get Away With Murder. It wasn't until I started watching Transparent in 2014 that I really became curious about who she was. Fast-forward to the pandemic when I started getting into TikTok and she appeared on my for you page. Of course, I followed immediately. The surprising thing was that she followed me back, and we've been mutuals ever since. I have no idea what ever made her follow me, but I feel blessed to be on the following list of someone who I consider an absolute icon.
"This Time For Me" is an unforgettable memoir written by this incomparable woman. It explores her beginnings as a young kid who has no language for the things she is feeling, it delves into the darkness of her addiction, the AIDS crisis, and her personal experience with it. The people she speaks about in her memoir range from trans sisters of hers from her cabaret days to - wait for it - Larry Kramer! She writes about the friends she lost to AIDS with a sensitivity that could only be written by someone who is HIV+ themselves. She provides heart-wrenching account of what it was really like to live through that time, and I cried the entire time I listened to those sections. Every friend she wrote about felt alive to me, like I knew them, like they were a friend. Alexandra writes of her wife ChrisAnne with so much love and respect - their love story spanning from 1976 all the way to now. I simply love it. I love *them.*
I'm not going to sit here and pretend that Alex is perfect, though - she would hate that. Through the book, Alex is not afraid to let you know what mistakes she made along the way: in her relationships and in any other area. She is unflinchingly honest about who she is, through and through, take it or leave it. I, my dear Alex, will take it.
"This Time For Me" is an unforgettable memoir written by this incomparable woman. It explores her beginnings as a young kid who has no language for the things she is feeling, it delves into the darkness of her addiction, the AIDS crisis, and her personal experience with it. The people she speaks about in her memoir range from trans sisters of hers from her cabaret days to - wait for it - Larry Kramer! She writes about the friends she lost to AIDS with a sensitivity that could only be written by someone who is HIV+ themselves. She provides heart-wrenching account of what it was really like to live through that time, and I cried the entire time I listened to those sections. Every friend she wrote about felt alive to me, like I knew them, like they were a friend. Alexandra writes of her wife ChrisAnne with so much love and respect - their love story spanning from 1976 all the way to now. I simply love it. I love *them.*
I'm not going to sit here and pretend that Alex is perfect, though - she would hate that. Through the book, Alex is not afraid to let you know what mistakes she made along the way: in her relationships and in any other area. She is unflinchingly honest about who she is, through and through, take it or leave it. I, my dear Alex, will take it.
December 1, 2024
Alexandra was tortured reconciling her birth gender (male) to her transgender {female}. I won't cover the treatment she received at home, but she was a drug addict, a sex-worker, homeless at times, and not allowed to go home when she asked her mother. For example, "“Mimi. What if I got that gay cancer? I could come back home and stay here. Right? At least I’d have a place to go.” ... “Well, Scott . . .” She took a long breath and then walked to the other side of the kitchen to grab her drink. “I don’t think so.”" There are themes throughout the book, two in particular that struck me. First the connection with Oz and Dorothy. For example, "There’s a moment in The Wizard of Oz when Dorothy comes upon a fork in the road. The bricks go off in four different directions. Same color, same design, no hints. And there, in the middle of a cornfield, is the Scarecrow." Second, is the idea that Alexandra wanted to respond to things that happened to her and to others around her, but she couldn't or didn't say anything. For example, "But I immersed myself in silence. I needed to believe that I was fine. That it was all going well. And I said nothing. I stood by and said absolutely nothing."
As I am not part of the community, I cannot speak for anyone in the community. I do think everyone should read a memoir from someone in the community to better understand and hopefully gain some insight and empathy for people in the community. There are lots of memoirs that fit this, look for one that suits you, especially if you don't know anyone in the community. I'm not a parent, but I am a child of one. I cannot imagine the devastation I would have felt if my mom ever treated me the way Mimi treated Alexandra.
Billings, Alexandra. This Time for Me: A Memoir (p. 150, 314, 406). TOPPLE Books/Little A. Kindle Edition.
As I am not part of the community, I cannot speak for anyone in the community. I do think everyone should read a memoir from someone in the community to better understand and hopefully gain some insight and empathy for people in the community. There are lots of memoirs that fit this, look for one that suits you, especially if you don't know anyone in the community. I'm not a parent, but I am a child of one. I cannot imagine the devastation I would have felt if my mom ever treated me the way Mimi treated Alexandra.
Billings, Alexandra. This Time for Me: A Memoir (p. 150, 314, 406). TOPPLE Books/Little A. Kindle Edition.
April 26, 2022
An open-hearted, astonishing, moving, and deeply sincere memoir, This Time For Me is the fabulous and devastating life story of actor, teacher and activist, Alexandra Billings.
Probably best known for her portrayal of Davina, transgender friend and mentor to the newly emerging Maura Pfefferman in Amazon’s Transparent, Ms Billings’ autobiography is frank, witty and relentlessly honest.
While I was reading, I felt like I was hearing the life experience of a friend, that I was being trusted with the truth of someone I cared about, which speaks to the clarity of the writing - by turns, funny, beautiful and breathtakingly sad - and the charisma of the author. I adored this book.
From a childhood of otherness to a journey of self-discovery through clublife, back alleys, drugs, violence, and live theatre, This Time For Me is a powerful story from a remarkable, heroic woman.
“Although never really the star of any shows, I was cast in almost everything, both plays and musicals. I rarely had lines, and if I did, I was relegated to Guard Number Four, but I made my presence felt. I would juggle carrots in the background while the lead was orating about his dead father. I would race through the hallways and make siren sounds, even though there were no sirens in the play, or in the hallways.
“So, obviously, I was meant for a higher calling than college. My brother was going to college. That was his responsibility. Not mine. And really, what exactly was a degree supposed to get me? Were there courses in Being A Broadway Star? I never once heard Ethel Merman talk about sorority life.”
14% in, Nine, The Very First Time(s), This Time For Me by Alexandra Billings
*chef’s kiss*
Probably best known for her portrayal of Davina, transgender friend and mentor to the newly emerging Maura Pfefferman in Amazon’s Transparent, Ms Billings’ autobiography is frank, witty and relentlessly honest.
While I was reading, I felt like I was hearing the life experience of a friend, that I was being trusted with the truth of someone I cared about, which speaks to the clarity of the writing - by turns, funny, beautiful and breathtakingly sad - and the charisma of the author. I adored this book.
From a childhood of otherness to a journey of self-discovery through clublife, back alleys, drugs, violence, and live theatre, This Time For Me is a powerful story from a remarkable, heroic woman.
“Although never really the star of any shows, I was cast in almost everything, both plays and musicals. I rarely had lines, and if I did, I was relegated to Guard Number Four, but I made my presence felt. I would juggle carrots in the background while the lead was orating about his dead father. I would race through the hallways and make siren sounds, even though there were no sirens in the play, or in the hallways.
“So, obviously, I was meant for a higher calling than college. My brother was going to college. That was his responsibility. Not mine. And really, what exactly was a degree supposed to get me? Were there courses in Being A Broadway Star? I never once heard Ethel Merman talk about sorority life.”
14% in, Nine, The Very First Time(s), This Time For Me by Alexandra Billings
*chef’s kiss*
April 16, 2022
I was drawn to Alexandra Billings' book because I moved to Chicago in the 1980's and remember her from her stage work as well as her "drag" work at Baton Show Lounge. This was a time when laws did not protect someone who was LGBTQ in terms of jobs, housing, etc. To be trans at that time meant you did not fit in anywhere including the broader gay community and also faced bias and discrimination there as well. The 1980's as we all know, was the beginning of the AIDS crisis when a plague ripped through the community yet no one knew what it was "a gay cancer?" and the drug cocktail to treat it didn't appear on the scene until the early 1990's. In the meantime, Scott Billings is a kid growing up in a suburb of Chicago who is trying to find their identity and acceptance. After a very challenging journey of addiction, abuse and homelessness, Scott eventually finds their true identity and the love of their life. Eventually Alexandra ends up with success on Television (in Transparent) after painfully losing the lead role in Transamerica to Felicity Huffman. They have also continued to have success on stage and screen. Having seen Alexandra Billings on stage in the late 1980's/early 1990's and then following their career, I was always struck at their stage presence and charisma.
This is an incredibly poignant, candid account of their journey with all of its many ups and downs. I feel like I really got to know Alexandra as a person and am grateful that they openly shared their struggles and triumphs.
I recommend this book.
This is an incredibly poignant, candid account of their journey with all of its many ups and downs. I feel like I really got to know Alexandra as a person and am grateful that they openly shared their struggles and triumphs.
I recommend this book.
April 5, 2023
This is a personal and powerful story of the life of Alexandra Billings, a teacher, actor, and singer. She is known for her work on Wicked, Transparent, and a number of other different works. Her life is one of poverty, identify, and family (both genetic and found). She feely acknowledges that she takes some liberties in the telling of this story. There are times where I couldn't help but wonder how much of this was true to life vs emboldened with her theater zest, but one thing was always clear: she perfectly conveys the emotions and significance of every moment in her life in a way that is profoundly moving. That is made especially true when you listen to her perform the audiobook where her talents become all the more obvious.
If I have one complaint, it is, as others have noted, the structure. The story is not entirely linear, but the chapters are designed to focus on specific aspects of her life. They tend to flow in the same direction, but as each chapter is its own self contained point, there is overlap with different periods of her life. Generally, I think it works well enough. However, it becomes more obvious as we reach the later parts of her life. I think this could have been a perfect book if she had instead woven the story into a cohesive story, tackling each chapterized point naturally in the story, but that is easier said than done. This is an amazing book nevertheless.
4.5-5 stars
If I have one complaint, it is, as others have noted, the structure. The story is not entirely linear, but the chapters are designed to focus on specific aspects of her life. They tend to flow in the same direction, but as each chapter is its own self contained point, there is overlap with different periods of her life. Generally, I think it works well enough. However, it becomes more obvious as we reach the later parts of her life. I think this could have been a perfect book if she had instead woven the story into a cohesive story, tackling each chapterized point naturally in the story, but that is easier said than done. This is an amazing book nevertheless.
4.5-5 stars
March 18, 2022
A bit jumbled but still interesting.
(Reads negative reviews:) This is someone whining about cis white males!
Well, that seems an oversimplification. She's also talking about family, friends, johns, drugs, and people in general who don't know what to do with someone different than themselves. Though, to be fair, some of the johns knew exactly what to do, and it wasn't nice.
This is best read by mature, open minded audiences, as Alexandra discusses her life. There are definite missteps along the way - but that's all of us to varying degrees - as she finds herself.
If your view of gender is strictly what's behind someone's zipper, this is probably not the book for you. That's ok, there are a lot of books out there, find something that suits your interests instead.
I found it an interesting read, especially due to her age and watching the worldview change around her through her eyes.
As memories do, this is not entirely a linear read, with time frames shifting back and forth, and visits from loved ones after they pass. That was a bit difficult at times. It embraces addiction at times, showing how the author felt in that time period. Coping skills aren't always healthy.
(Reads negative reviews:) This is someone whining about cis white males!
Well, that seems an oversimplification. She's also talking about family, friends, johns, drugs, and people in general who don't know what to do with someone different than themselves. Though, to be fair, some of the johns knew exactly what to do, and it wasn't nice.
This is best read by mature, open minded audiences, as Alexandra discusses her life. There are definite missteps along the way - but that's all of us to varying degrees - as she finds herself.
If your view of gender is strictly what's behind someone's zipper, this is probably not the book for you. That's ok, there are a lot of books out there, find something that suits your interests instead.
I found it an interesting read, especially due to her age and watching the worldview change around her through her eyes.
As memories do, this is not entirely a linear read, with time frames shifting back and forth, and visits from loved ones after they pass. That was a bit difficult at times. It embraces addiction at times, showing how the author felt in that time period. Coping skills aren't always healthy.
March 17, 2022
Wow. What a journey she has lived. I’m glad Alexandra Billings survived to tell it! Gave me a lot of insight into a trans journey which was, and probably is for many cis gender people, a bit of a mystery. It still left open questions for me about sexual orientation (when she made the choice to marry a cis woman, did she feel like she had to repress her attraction to men /or other Trans women? When they had these other men or trans women adopted into their home/chosen family, was this strictly a platonic thing? How did that impact their marriage?)and reassignment (if she was still considered Male by law, why was their first marriage illegal?). But I don’t expect any persons journey to be black and white and I think that was maybe the point of those grey areas in the story?
I also had a very hard time the way the authors jump around the timelines. I often had to reference the chapter title to recall what the topic was.
Still a very raw, honest, and heartfelt story which I would recommend.
I also had a very hard time the way the authors jump around the timelines. I often had to reference the chapter title to recall what the topic was.
Still a very raw, honest, and heartfelt story which I would recommend.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
April 12, 2022
I am sure Alexandra Billings is a wonderful actor and she has clearly blazed a trail and achieved so many firsts in her time. But the book is awful. I don’t particularly like the first person confessional style of writing anyway, but if she said “I broke”, “I felt seen/heard” or “I was held” once it would have sat well, but repeating it throughout the story became irritating. It is mainly chronological but with leaps and bounds back and forth every now and again which I found confusing. Also her constant assertions that she was no good at this, scared of that, surprised to be here, or chosen etc. Clearly she’s not as she wouldn’t have landed the roles she did, end up teaching where she has, and won the awards. Imposter syndrome is not uncommon I am sure in the acting profession as in writing, but this was taken to the extreme. Was there anything I liked about this book? It could have been a really interesting autobiography - written differently.
April 13, 2022
I met Alexandra Billings once upon a time in the 90s when I was managing an audition she attended. She was a big personality and I have been following her ever since. I believe I saw her in a couple stage shows in Chicago (Son of Fire?, Gypsy?) before she migrated to the coasts.
I was delighted when I learned of this memoir and thrilled that I could obtain it immediately on my Kindle. I was expecting another fascinating show biz memoir but I think this should be more properly categorized as a trans memoir. I learned a lot about her life and the roadblocks to her success.
I would have preferred a more chronological, cause and effect structure. This book is a little too random, too stream of consciousness for my taste. But it is redeemed by the ending with its detailed account of the Jeffrey Tambor scandal. Happily she balances out Villain Tambor with an appreciation of heroic Judith Light.
I was delighted when I learned of this memoir and thrilled that I could obtain it immediately on my Kindle. I was expecting another fascinating show biz memoir but I think this should be more properly categorized as a trans memoir. I learned a lot about her life and the roadblocks to her success.
I would have preferred a more chronological, cause and effect structure. This book is a little too random, too stream of consciousness for my taste. But it is redeemed by the ending with its detailed account of the Jeffrey Tambor scandal. Happily she balances out Villain Tambor with an appreciation of heroic Judith Light.
July 26, 2022
Is she a liar?
Chapter 1 begins:
"I lie.
"I’m not one of those liars who twitches or sweats or panics when they lie. I’m a very, very, very good liar. The problem is not that I lie; the problem is that I have a hard time noticing, admitting, and living in the truth. Even when faced with it, the truth eludes me. I much prefer the world I create to the world I inhabit."
Ouch. What an anchor to an otherwise exciting story. Except... most of us lie, don't we? Perhaps we say "I'm fine," knowing we are anything but. Or maybe we lie to ourselves and don't even recognize our misery.
Most of this book involves Alexandra opening up very slowly to the truth about herself. Being a transgender actress was easier to embrace than being afraid. And oh, she's afraid of so many things.
And again, aren't we all?
There are some technical writing mistakes here which preclude a 5-star rating, and far too much sex for my PG-rated mind. But I still really liked the book.
Chapter 1 begins:
"I lie.
"I’m not one of those liars who twitches or sweats or panics when they lie. I’m a very, very, very good liar. The problem is not that I lie; the problem is that I have a hard time noticing, admitting, and living in the truth. Even when faced with it, the truth eludes me. I much prefer the world I create to the world I inhabit."
Ouch. What an anchor to an otherwise exciting story. Except... most of us lie, don't we? Perhaps we say "I'm fine," knowing we are anything but. Or maybe we lie to ourselves and don't even recognize our misery.
Most of this book involves Alexandra opening up very slowly to the truth about herself. Being a transgender actress was easier to embrace than being afraid. And oh, she's afraid of so many things.
And again, aren't we all?
There are some technical writing mistakes here which preclude a 5-star rating, and far too much sex for my PG-rated mind. But I still really liked the book.
September 20, 2022
Gripping, emotional, sad, funny
I downloaded the book from Amazon's first reads. I have gay friends, but, I have never known a transgender person. Being 10 years older I remember everyone was in the closet and negative comments about fags , so in the closet they remained. There were no transgender at the time, but I recall the phrase cross dressers. I can understand Alex's confusion over what she was exactly. There were few creative avenues for Alex in the 1980s as a trans and she went down the avenue of drag shows, drugs and prostitution. Alex does an excellent job expressing her self doubts, depression, anxieties, and love for her wife. The book travels from these lows to her success at the age of forty. Over the last 20 years her professional life grew, along with her self acceptance.
I downloaded the book from Amazon's first reads. I have gay friends, but, I have never known a transgender person. Being 10 years older I remember everyone was in the closet and negative comments about fags , so in the closet they remained. There were no transgender at the time, but I recall the phrase cross dressers. I can understand Alex's confusion over what she was exactly. There were few creative avenues for Alex in the 1980s as a trans and she went down the avenue of drag shows, drugs and prostitution. Alex does an excellent job expressing her self doubts, depression, anxieties, and love for her wife. The book travels from these lows to her success at the age of forty. Over the last 20 years her professional life grew, along with her self acceptance.
April 23, 2022
I used to see posters for shows featuring Alexandra Billings at the Bailiwick, and always thought of her as one of the big stars of Chicago theatre who just happened to work a lot at that particular theatre. This intimate account of how she got there and continued working and growing was amazing.
The writing is patient, compassionate, sometimes raw, sometimes hilarious. Always there's the sense that she's telling you just as she experienced it, so you can see how certain decisions and discoveries came to be. I found myself inspired and also wanting to be easier on myself and others as I experienced the kind of pressure Billings put on herself at certain moments, and how she seemed to evolve beyond that to seek different kinds of challenges and experiences. A great read.
The writing is patient, compassionate, sometimes raw, sometimes hilarious. Always there's the sense that she's telling you just as she experienced it, so you can see how certain decisions and discoveries came to be. I found myself inspired and also wanting to be easier on myself and others as I experienced the kind of pressure Billings put on herself at certain moments, and how she seemed to evolve beyond that to seek different kinds of challenges and experiences. A great read.
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