Dear John: Love and Loyalty in Wartime America

Military, War, and Society in Modern American History

by Susan L. Carruthers

Are "Dear John" letters lethal weapons in the hands of men at war? Many US officers, servicemen, veterans, and civilians would say yes.

Drawing on personal letters, oral histories, and psychiatric reports, as well as popular music and movies, Susan L. Carruthers shows how the armed forces and civilian society have attempted to weaponize romantic love in pursuit of martial ends, from World War II to today. Yet efforts to discipline feeling have frequently failed. And women have often borne the blame.

This sweeping history of emotional life in wartime explores the interplay between letter writing and storytelling, breakups and breakdowns, and between imploded intimacy and boosted camaraderie. Incorporating vivid personal experiences in a lively and engaging prose – variously tragic, comic, and everything in between – this compelling study will change the way we think about wartime relationships.

Genres: Nonfiction, World War II, American History

294 pages, Hardcover

Published January 6, 2022

Reviews

[Janilyn Kocher · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book was a miss for me. It’s a topic I am interested in, but the writing was not engaging. I finished it, but I struggled with each new chapter, never finding a groove I could connect. Thanks to Cambridge University Press and NetGalley for the early read.

[JP]

Nope

[J Earl · Rating 4 out of 5]

Dear John: Love and Loyalty in Wartime America by Susan L Carruthers is a fascinating history of not just the break-ups but the "romance" that led to the wartime relationship.

From wanting to have something to fight for (a spouse apparently outranks the nation, at least until things fall apart, in which case it is the spouse who is disloyal to both country and military spouse) to getting married in an attempt to avoid military service, the circumstances at the beginnings of these relationships aren't that much different from any relationship. Which leads to the question: why demonize someone for not wanting to continue a relationship? For most of US history it has been the woman demonized for military break-ups, much like they are demonized for many things in society.

Break-ups are hard, when I served on a submarine a Dear John letter would cause ripples through the boat. Even if my fellow crew member was known to party in the ports we hit it was always the wife who was considered disloyal and a cheat. Yeah, misogyny runs deep. I'm not sure it was any easier taking leave and going home to be greeted by who you thought was your partner with the information that the relationship had been over for months but she felt bad writing a letter and waited until I got home. I probably wouldn't have gone home if I had known, though no doubt I would have hurt. Which is all to say: break-ups happen and just because one person is serving is the military does not mean the other person gives up the freedom to live the life they want. Pain is independent of military service, as is how bad we take the news.

All of that commentary is just my reaction to the book. I make no attempt to express Carruthers' opinions on the matter. The book is well-researched and very even-handed in analyzing what is, for many, a touchy subject. I was only aware of a few of the ways the military, through the years, tried to control romance, marriage, and break-ups, so the history itself was quite fascinating. I particularly enjoyed how some themes were tied to their manifestations in popular culture.

Recommended for history readers, especially those interested in military history (and where it intersects with the home front). This will also interest a reader with an interest in feminism and gender studies.

Reviewed from a copy made available by the publisher via NetGalley.

[Eunice R · Rating 4 out of 5]

I had no idea, nor could I have imagined it out, if I had not read this book about how much misery and calamitous emotions and reactions "Dear John" letters provoked; especially, upon active duty military personnel. If one wishes to have their eyes opened to the damage caused to such a recipient of such a letter, this is a must read. (Yes, there are "Dear Jane" letters that can be just as devastating.)

The author has really covered many bases with the infamy of this type of letter, I find. She addresses the 'who,' of the sender, and the 'why's', as well as the various "lethal" reactions to them; how did, or did not, the military powers-that-be regard the matter over the years of the many wartimes, and whether there have been any remedial actions implemented to pre-empt them; and so on.

To say the least, I am rather dumbfounded at the "skirmishes" left in the wake of such letters, as well as the disloyal reasons 'why'. Please read this book, especially if one knows someone in the military and/or contemplates sending such a letter, email or delivery-by-phone, message.

~Eunice C., Blogger/Reviewer~

November 2021

Disclaimer: This is my honest opinion based on the review copy given by the publisher.

[Sara Leeann Ortiz · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is the origin story of the infamous 'Dear John' letter and it's impact/influence within the military. This is an obscure piece of history and social commentary that is rarely dug into. This is not simply about a women dumping her soldier and marrying someone else. It shows how the folklore around being 'Dear Johned' can be used as an excuse for bad behavior. Relationships are hard but made even harder when separated due to war and the fear of getting a Dear John letter. This fear is commonplace for those serving in the military. Notably, Dear Jane letters do not gain the same significant impact to it's recipients due to the gender of the receiver. It is also possible that the female/woman has been villainized for far too long to gain the same level of sympathy. Great read!

[Mags · Rating 3 out of 5]

This is not the book I expected it to be!

I was expecting amusing anecdotes and maybe some actual Dear Johns, but this is a much more in-depth study into the causes and effects of Dear John letters, delving into the myths around them, the effects they have on soldiers, and analysing communication between people at war and those left behind.

I'd have liked to see some more personal stories/examples, but I guess a lot of people wouldn't want to share their rejections!

3.5 stars (we can't give halfs!).

Note: There are a TON of references, so the last quarter of the book is citing sources. Which I think is a good thing!

[Jamice Robinson · Rating 3 out of 5]

As a veteran who has seen first hand the impact a Dear John letter had on fellow servicemen, I found this book very interesting. The trauma these letters caused especially during war time situations is not really thought of and I liked that this book shed some light on the subject. I think having actual Dear John letters would have been better, but I can see how someone might not want their letters shared.

[Mary Cummins · Rating 3 out of 5]

This was a well researched but a bit monotonous rendition of the origins of the Dear John letter and the effect it has had on the servicemen and women over the years.It has a lot of antidotes but tends to drag.

[szymborskalyte · Rating 5 out of 5]

Utterly fascinating -- esp. loved the insights on how the rupture of heterosexual bonds forges these powerful homosocial bonds. I've seen that more than once myself.