What do you think?
Rate this book
Tender Wings of Desire
When Lady Madeline Parker runs away from Parker Manor and a loveless betrothal, she finally feels like she is in control of her life. But what happens when she realizes she can’t control how she feels? When she finds herself swept into the arms of Harland, a handsome sailor with a mysterious past, Madeline realizes she must choose between a life of order and a man of passion. Can love overcome lies? What happens in the embrace of destiny, on the Tender Wings of Desire?
83 pages, Paperback
First published May 2, 2017
234 people are currently reading
775 people want to read
About the author
Harland Sanders
7 books19 followersAmerican businessman best known for his chicken restaurant chain Kentucky Fried Chicken.
Sanders held a number of jobs in his early life, such as steam engine stoker, insurance salesman and filling station operator.
He began selling fried chicken from his roadside restaurant in North Corbin, Kentucky, during the Great Depression. Sanders recognized the potential of the restaurant franchising concept, and the first KFC franchise opened in Utah in 1952.
Sanders held a number of jobs in his early life, such as steam engine stoker, insurance salesman and filling station operator.
He began selling fried chicken from his roadside restaurant in North Corbin, Kentucky, during the Great Depression. Sanders recognized the potential of the restaurant franchising concept, and the first KFC franchise opened in Utah in 1952.
Ratings & Reviews
Friends & Following
Create a free account to discover what your friends think of this book!
Community Reviews
Displaying 1 - 30 of 256 reviews
June 7, 2017
TOP 5 WAYS Tender Wings of Desire COULD HAVE HAD A MORE ORIGINAL RECIPE.
I don't love your new novella. I expected you to woo women with your tasty fried chicken, but there was a distinct lack of finger licking goodness. So, before you publish another fowl romance, you might want to read my list of top 5 ways Tender Wings of Desire could have had a more original recipe.
#5. REMEMBER: Everything’s Batter With Fried Chicken.
UNoriginal Recipe:
“Madeline did not mind balls. She hated to make a habit of it, though, for conversation often ran dry and she ended up so bored.”
~ Lady Madeline Parker
Original Recipe:
“Madeline did not mind balls. She hated to make a habit of it, though, for conversation often ran dry and she got so bored she had to snack on the emergency fried chicken she kept in her reticule just to keep things interesting.”
THIGH KNOW, RIGHT?
#4. THREE WORDS: Fried Fowl Flirtations.
Unoriginal Recipe:
“ ‘You’ll be calling me Mama soon enough!’ Lady Parker cried, swatting the Duke with her fan.
‘Call such a young woman an old-sounding name?’ Reginald said with charm. ‘Never.’ "
~ Lady Dahlia Parker & Reginald Lewis, The Duke of Sainsbury
Original Recipe:
“ ‘You’ll be calling me Mama soon enough!’ Lady Parker cried, swatting the Duke with her chicken drumstick.
‘Call such a young woman an old-sounding name?’ Reginald grabbed her juicy leg and bit into it. ‘Never.’ ”
HE’S POULTRY IN MOTION.
#3. Put A Bucket Of Fried Chicken In Every Plot.
Unoriginal Recipe:
“The barmaid was stunned by Madeline’s story. ‘All by yourself?’ she asked. ‘With no protection?’
Madeline wondered what protection she needed—she had a horse and rode like the wind. What else was there?”
~ The Barmaid & Lady Madeline Parker
Original Recipe:
“The barmaid was stunned by Madeline’s story. ‘All by yourself?’ she asked. ‘With no protection?’ Madeline wondered what protection she needed—she had an extra large bucket of fried chicken and some hand embroidered wet wipes. What else was there?”
REAL WOMEN WING IT.
#2. A Fried Chicken Dinner Is Always A Winner, Winner!
Unoriginal Recipe:
“He had sea colored eyes hidden behind dark glasses. She’d never seen a sailor wear glasses before; it made him more handsome.
‘I’ve never seen a sailor wear glasses before,’ she said.
He grinned. ‘Neither have I. But, I don’t often look in the mirror.’ ”
~ Lady Madeline Parker & Colonel Harland Sanders
Original Recipe:
“He had eyes the color of extra crispy fried chicken. She’d never seen crispy chicken colored eyes before; it made him more handsome.
‘I’ve never seen crispy chicken colored eyes before,’ she said.
He grinned. ‘I’ve been told they make women crave Kentucky Fried Chicken. And mashed potatoes…. And gravy… And cole slaw… And biscuits.’ He replied seductively.”
TO GET THE KFC MEAL ON THE OTHER SIDE (Duh!)
#1. We’ll Thank You For The Fried Mammaries.
Unoriginal Recipe:
“His eyes perused her; liking what he saw.
‘Name’s Harland. What’s yours?’
‘Madeline.’
‘That’s a beautiful name, Madeline.’ he said.
Her cheeks flamed red. She fled to the kitchen, then snuck a glance to see if he was still looking at her. He was.”
~ Lady Madeline Parker & Colonel Harland Sanders
Original Recipe:
“His extra crispy colored eyes perused the plate of plump, fried chicken breasts in her hand; liking what he saw.
‘Name’s Harland. What’s yours?’
‘Madeline.’
‘Those are some finger looking good breasts you have there Madeline,’ he said.
Her cheeks flamed redder than KFC’s new Nashville Hot Chicken. She fled to the kitchen, then snuck a glance to see if he was still drooling over her delectable breasts. He was.”
BREAST-LESS?
And craving fried chicken? Great! My work here is done then.
Tender Wings of Desire by Colonel Harland Sanders: 1 “UNoriginal Recipe” Star.
For information about my rating system, see my profile page.
Read my buddy's awesome reviews:
Reader4Life: Click Me Baby!
Deborah: Click Me Baby!
Veronica: Coming Soon Maybe?! If We're Really Lucky!
I don't love your new novella. I expected you to woo women with your tasty fried chicken, but there was a distinct lack of finger licking goodness. So, before you publish another fowl romance, you might want to read my list of top 5 ways Tender Wings of Desire could have had a more original recipe.
#5. REMEMBER: Everything’s Batter With Fried Chicken.
UNoriginal Recipe:
“Madeline did not mind balls. She hated to make a habit of it, though, for conversation often ran dry and she ended up so bored.”
~ Lady Madeline Parker
Original Recipe:
“Madeline did not mind balls. She hated to make a habit of it, though, for conversation often ran dry and she got so bored she had to snack on the emergency fried chicken she kept in her reticule just to keep things interesting.”
THIGH KNOW, RIGHT?
#4. THREE WORDS: Fried Fowl Flirtations.
Unoriginal Recipe:
“ ‘You’ll be calling me Mama soon enough!’ Lady Parker cried, swatting the Duke with her fan.
‘Call such a young woman an old-sounding name?’ Reginald said with charm. ‘Never.’ "
~ Lady Dahlia Parker & Reginald Lewis, The Duke of Sainsbury
Original Recipe:
“ ‘You’ll be calling me Mama soon enough!’ Lady Parker cried, swatting the Duke with her chicken drumstick.
‘Call such a young woman an old-sounding name?’ Reginald grabbed her juicy leg and bit into it. ‘Never.’ ”
HE’S POULTRY IN MOTION.
#3. Put A Bucket Of Fried Chicken In Every Plot.
Unoriginal Recipe:
“The barmaid was stunned by Madeline’s story. ‘All by yourself?’ she asked. ‘With no protection?’
Madeline wondered what protection she needed—she had a horse and rode like the wind. What else was there?”
~ The Barmaid & Lady Madeline Parker
Original Recipe:
“The barmaid was stunned by Madeline’s story. ‘All by yourself?’ she asked. ‘With no protection?’ Madeline wondered what protection she needed—she had an extra large bucket of fried chicken and some hand embroidered wet wipes. What else was there?”
REAL WOMEN WING IT.
#2. A Fried Chicken Dinner Is Always A Winner, Winner!
Unoriginal Recipe:
“He had sea colored eyes hidden behind dark glasses. She’d never seen a sailor wear glasses before; it made him more handsome.
‘I’ve never seen a sailor wear glasses before,’ she said.
He grinned. ‘Neither have I. But, I don’t often look in the mirror.’ ”
~ Lady Madeline Parker & Colonel Harland Sanders
Original Recipe:
“He had eyes the color of extra crispy fried chicken. She’d never seen crispy chicken colored eyes before; it made him more handsome.
‘I’ve never seen crispy chicken colored eyes before,’ she said.
He grinned. ‘I’ve been told they make women crave Kentucky Fried Chicken. And mashed potatoes…. And gravy… And cole slaw… And biscuits.’ He replied seductively.”
TO GET THE KFC MEAL ON THE OTHER SIDE (Duh!)
#1. We’ll Thank You For The Fried Mammaries.
Unoriginal Recipe:
“His eyes perused her; liking what he saw.
‘Name’s Harland. What’s yours?’
‘Madeline.’
‘That’s a beautiful name, Madeline.’ he said.
Her cheeks flamed red. She fled to the kitchen, then snuck a glance to see if he was still looking at her. He was.”
~ Lady Madeline Parker & Colonel Harland Sanders
Original Recipe:
“His extra crispy colored eyes perused the plate of plump, fried chicken breasts in her hand; liking what he saw.
‘Name’s Harland. What’s yours?’
‘Madeline.’
‘Those are some finger looking good breasts you have there Madeline,’ he said.
Her cheeks flamed redder than KFC’s new Nashville Hot Chicken. She fled to the kitchen, then snuck a glance to see if he was still drooling over her delectable breasts. He was.”
BREAST-LESS?
And craving fried chicken? Great! My work here is done then.
Tender Wings of Desire by Colonel Harland Sanders: 1 “UNoriginal Recipe” Star.
For information about my rating system, see my profile page.
Read my buddy's awesome reviews:
Reader4Life: Click Me Baby!
Deborah: Click Me Baby!
Veronica: Coming Soon Maybe?! If We're Really Lucky!
Want to read
May 7, 2017Lol if you ever wanted to know how Colonel Sanders fell in love, here's your chance to check it out for FREE on Amazon! :)
May 13, 2017
I cannot express my joy when I discovered that this book was real...and that it was also free to purchase as an e-copy through amazon (it's like under 100 pages so it's a quick read). However, that joy was short lived when I actually began to read this book. Maybe it's because of my lifestyle of memes, puns and general shit-post humour but I was expecting a book with copious amounts of chicken puns, knights wearing KFC buckets as helmets and well...a lot more steamy romance between our darling Harland Sanders and Madeline.
I feel as a long time Colonel Sanders and KFC fan I have a duty to make this story cringe worthy and yet oddly satisfying to those readers who are just like me. So grab a delicious, crispy chicken wing, ignore my spelling mistakes, general crappy grammar and enjoy. And to cover my own ass, all these characters belong to KFC and I mean no offence to anyone. Also I apologies because this got way out of hand and there's a lot of dirty insinuations involved. Take a bible with you. Also I didn't read this over because I'm terrified of having these thoughts in my head again.
Of all the things that Lady Madeline Parker disliked about her life, the one that constantly stuck out in her brain was her hatred of beef. There was something inherently pointless about it's boring, bland flavour and particularly chewy meat. Even now as she sat at the table, sawing at a rather pitiful piece of it she couldn't help but sigh.
Around her at the table, her family watched with a secret dancing between them. Even Madeline's younger sister, Veronica who was obviously talented at every thing pursed her lips as though to stop herself from speaking. Veronica looked beautiful, even after she'd been outside doing yoga for the last two hours. Maybe it had something to do with her new gluten free diet she bragged about constantly.
Madeline looked at her beef and for just a moment and considered this strange, gluten free idea but she quickly returned to her senses. What a ridiculous idea, she thought.
Winston, Madeline's favourite sibling cleared his throat and gave a pointed glare at Mama.
Finally, Mama spoke, just as Madeline managed to hack my way through a string of fat. "I have some wonderful news," She declared. "It's about you, Madeline."
Madeline dropped her knife and fork onto the table and bared her teeth. She was fed up with beef. She was tired of feeling so underwhelmed and unsatisfied after every meal that involved in. How could someone live a in a world like this? It wasn't even porterhouse but a measly, flank steak. "This beef is terrible Papa, how could you allow us to suffer by eating it?"
Mama and Papa looked at each other and shared a silent conversation before Mama looked at Madeline again. "Well, my dear if the meal is so unpleasant you will be glad to hear the news. Duke Reginald has asked for your hand in marriage and we have allowed it."
Madeline couldn't contain her gasp of horror. Duke Reginald was a well known man in the county. He was rich, handsome and from certain rumours it was well known he was talented at clapping with only one hand. Everything Madeline would look for in a man except that Duke Reginald had a deal breaker and it was one that she could not look past. "Mama!" She screamed. "He's...He's a...He's a vegan!"
Despite Mama's face turning red and angry it was Veronica who spoke first, her voice enraged. "How can you be so selfish, Madeline! That man is the only one in the county who would ask for your spoilt hand in marriage and all you care about is his lack of meat! If you weren't so selfish you would accept this marriage and spend your days as a duchess."
Madeline opened her mouth to retort just how important meat was to her when her Papa, who doesn't have any other role in this story besides being the enforcer, spoke. "Madeline...You don't have the option to accept this marriage. We have already done that for you. You will be married to Duke Reginald by the end of the month and you will not have anything else to say about it tonight, understand?"
Madeline looked down at her steak. Suddenly, it didn't seem so bad.
She stood there as Mama, Papa and Veronica all left the room and this story. They weren't important anyway. Rumour has it, they don't even like gravy. However, Winston loved gravy almost as much as he loved his sister...who are we kidding, he loves it more than Madeline. She's a KFC. Kinda Foolish Chick. No one loves a Kinda Foolish Chick.
He pushed away the thoughts of gravy and took his sisters, cold hand. "Maddie, you don't have to do this, you know? You could run away from this wedding."
She looked at him wide eyed. "Winston, where would I go? I've never left the safety of our home. All I know is beef, scrabble and how to tie a string bow tie."
"Just get on your horse and ride. Go towards the coast. Maybe try fish?"
Madeline curled her nose at the thought of fish. Sure, the beef here was deplorable but what other meat could she eat?
Winston squeezed her hand before he stood up and turned to walk out of the room. Before he left, he looked over his shoulder dramatically. "Let me ask you this...could fish be worse than being a vegan?"
Madeline listened to her brothers footsteps as he walked away. No...she decided. There was nothing worse than being a vegan. Unless you were a vegan with a gluten free diet too but no one would be that silly.
And so that night, Madeline didn't pack a bag because she's a spoilt brat and expected a maid to do it for her, climbed aboard her horse and rode towards the coast. Little did she know what would be waiting for...or who.
*****
The ride towards the coast had started well for Madeline. Her horse Persephone galloped ahead, the wind whipping through her mane.
However, things took a turn for the worst when Madeline realised...She didn't know how to ride a horse. Persephone headed straight for a very spooky looking forest that mostly likely hid a band of thieves that liked to prey on young women like Madeline. Spoilers?
No, because it's happening right now!
A thief jumped out from behind the tree grabbing a hold of the leather reins and pulling Persephone to a grinding halt.
Madeline released a shrill scream that could be heard from miles away. However, it was cut short as a thief leapt up towards her, his arm snaking around her waist and yanking right from her steed.
"Well what have we got here?" The thief sneered.
Madeline wriggled out of his grasp and quickly faced her back to a large tree. She looked at the three thieves that stood before her. They were triplets. All of them had long, skinny legs. Their hair was bright red and styled in a type of deflated mohawk. And for some strange reason they had attached feathers to their old clothes. They looked like...weird ducks.
"What do you want with me?" Madeline whimpered.
One of the thieves laughed and looked at the brother to his left. "Damn, Daniel!" He exclaimed. "This girl is KFC."
Thief Daniel nodded his head in agreement. "Ain't nobody got time for that. We should just take the horse and leave her in distress."
The third brother didn't seem so sure as he took a step closer to Madeline. "What's your name?" he asked.
Madeline swallowed the lump in her throat as she decided to lie. "It's...Felicia."
He squinted his eyes at her before he released a deep, throaty laugh. "You're right boys, she is KFC! Let's get outta here."
They turned their backs on Madeline, leading Persephone away with them. Madeline was in such a shock she didn't even move to stop them. Not even as Thief Daniel waved at her and said, "Bye Felicia!" before disappearing with her horse and her only way to get to the coast.
It was only when Madeline heard a branch snapping in the distance did she finally move from the tree. "Who's there?" she screamed because alerting your presence in a forest filled with bad people wasn't a bad idea.
In this case, it was a terrible disaster as a talking goat clambered out from behind the trees. It's horns were coated in blood and it's white goatee touched the ground. It's eyes were bright red as it focused it's attention on Madeline. The air around them grew tense as Madeline idly looked around for any form a weapon but she was in the middle of a forest and not armoury. So she curled her fists and looked the goat in the eye. It's first words, were terrifying.
"I crave that mineral," It bleated and then it was running towards her, tucking it's chin down so his horns could be used to their full extent.
Madeline didn't have time to scream before there was a huge thud and a great, white shape took up in front of her. It took her but a few seconds to realise that this shape was in fact a man. He wore a stark, white suit. It's sleeves cut off at the shoulders. He wore a helmet that was white and red. Madeline couldn't see his face but as he spoke, her knees went weak.
"It makes you a chicken to attack a young lady in distress. I ought to deep fry you, goat."
The goat bleated in response before Madeline heard his little hooves, trotting off back into the trees. He didn't put up much of a fight but judging from the bulging muscles on the knights arms, she wouldn't want to get on the wrong side of him either...maybe the right side though. Or underneath.
He turned around slowly, Madeline's eyes assessing every inch of the man. From his white leather shoes, to the cardboard bucket on his head, the eye holes cut out unevenly. She couldn't see his face but her eyes settled on the only non-white thing he wore...a string bow tie.
It was then, Madeline knew she was in love.
"You...saved me." She breathed, casually sticking out her chest. "Whatever could I do to repay you?"
The knight cleared his throat as he took a tentative step towards her. "You can repay me by giving me your name."
"It's Madeline. And what's yours?"
His hand reached up and ever so slowly pulled of the helmet, shaking his head. His thick, white locks bounced around until they finally settled in place, shaping his magnificent face. He was the most handsome man she'd ever laid eyes upon. "Sanders," He said with a smile. "Harland Sanders. How can I help you, Madeline?"
Madeline asked Harland if he could take her to the coast, despite the fact that the man had no horse, no need to go there or any favour owed to her but because this is a love story, he said yes. Along the way she told Harland her story and her secrets about how her parents had wanted her to marry rich but she had run away. She spoke about how she would never want to be in that situation again and all she wanted to do was have a normal life, like any other normal person. And then she asked Harland about himself.
"What's your secret?" She smiled.
"Who told you about the eleven secret herbs and spices?!" He gasped.
"Excuse me?" Madeline said bewildered.
Harland looked shocked for a second before he shrugged it off with a laugh. "I mean, I don't have any secrets that I'm going to reveal upon meeting you...I mean, I'm just a simple man. A sailor. A romantic. A string bow tie enthusiast."
Madeline didn't even know that she'd wanted all of those things until now. It was like she was living in a hazy world until she'd met Harland. They continued on their journey until they reached a coastal town and they found a hotel to stay out. I can't be very descriptive because I've just realised there's a word count and it's slowly creeping up on me. You guys can just fill in the blanks with your imagination but keep it clean...for now.
*****
Madeline sat before the big open fire, a cup of beer in her hands as she listened to Harland talk about life as a sailor. From what she could see on his face there was sadness there. Like something had happened to him and driven him to a life on the seas. What life did you have before Harland? Madeline thought to herself. What life would you want with me?
She was surprised by her second thought. She was also a little scared to have fallen in love with this stranger so quickly. As she watched him though, with that glint in his eye she knew that she needed to be with him. So she decided to wing it and interrupted him before he'd finished speaking.
"Harland...I think we should get a dinner for two...or a giant feast. I want to share something with you..." She reached over and ever so carefully, took his hands in hers. "I want to share a lot of things with you."
(PLZ remember word count, I can't spend a lot of time focusing on them falling in love and not on the actual spiciness)
Harland looked torn for a second before he allowed a smile to cover his face. "Oh Madeline, I'm so glad you feel it too. But I need to tell you something first..."
Madeline felt her heart sink a little as she took in the desperation in his voice. "What is it?"
Harland stood up from his seat. "Well, I can show you. If you'll come with me?"
Madeline didn't hesitate as she sculled the rest of her beer. Her Mama didn't raise no quitter. She stood up and allowed him to guide her up the stairs towards the bedrooms. It was only when Harland reached his own room that Madeline started to fret. She was a woman of noble birth and it was already scandalous that she'd run away from home before her own wedding, let alone that she was now entering another mans room!
But as he opened the door she was greeted by an irresistible smell...Oh my. Madeline closed her eyes as she breathed deeply through her nose. Harland let go of her hand but Madeline just wanted to embrace this smell for a few seconds longer.
When she finally mustered the strength to open her eyes she gasped. Harland had his back to her but he'd taken off his white pants as he had begun to take of his shirt.
"What are you doing?" She screamed.
Harland looked over his shoulder and smiled at her knowingly. His hands were playing with something near his waist. Strangely, Madeline only felt a warmth spread through her body at that and it caused her to step further into the room, closing the door behind her.
This only caused him to smile more before he spoke. "I do have a secret I need to share with you, Madeline. Especially since you're my one true love. I...like to cook. And I want to cook you something now. Something I'm famous for." He spun around, his eyes looking from his hips, to her.
Madeline, processed his words but she was too busy looking at down at his cock. The poor thing was being choked by Harland's hands.
"What are you doing to that poor rooster?"
Harland, laughed before he lifted it higher in the air as it squawked. "Madeline, this isn't a rooster. It's a hen and it's my specialty. Don't be a chicken, come closer and I'll show you."
She was terrified but as she looked at Harland she could see the passion on his face. He loved...whatever he was about to do. In this case, murder to that poor hen but we're going to overlook that because it's all for the greater good.
"Sit down," He told her. "I'll tell you my story as I prepare for you the greatest meal you'll ever taste."
And so the night wore on. Madeline sat at the table between eleven small dishes filled with herbs and spices. She watched Harland, with splatters of blood dotting his skin, feathers littering the floor around him as he told her about his past life. His parents owned a chicken business across the sea and he was to be the heir of the business...but he had been too afraid. He was scared he wasn't good enough especially because he planned on franchising the business to become even more famous and wealthier. He broke a chair into pieces and started a fire right in the middle of the room as he crumbed the chicken with spices and flour and all that other stuff you use to make delicious pieces of heaven. As the food began to cook, the smell that had been in the room intensified and Madeline found herself becoming more and more relaxed but also eager to taste Harland. Uhm, Harland's food.
Finally, he set a box down in front of her. Inside of it was 10 pieces of freshly prepared Original Recipe chicken, 2 large chips, large coleslaw, large potato & gravy, and a 1.25L drink™. Madeline looked from the food up to her Harland. As he told her the last part of the story. That his parents had died a really hazardous death when the chickens fought back and smothered them before they even really had a chance. And so now it was his. The business, the home, the life he had before. He was now a rich man and he was to take back the family name. He was Colonel Sanders and he was still the love of her life. Madeline pretended to forget that she'd said earlier she wanted a normal life because let's be real, who would pass up a life of wealth and chicken? She couldn't wait to rub this in Veronica's face.
Madeline, reached over and took Colonel Sanders hand. "I still love you," she declared and then looked at the food. "There's so much here, I don't think I can eat it all on my own."
Colonel Sanders smiled cheekily. "This, my love, is the Family Box."
"The Family Box!" She exclaimed. "But there's only two of us..."
He smirked and looked behind him at the bed. "Baby, After we've eaten that chicken, i'm going to give you some stuffing and we're going to create a new beginning for us."
Madeline had never eaten food so fast, she barely had time to register the crispy skin and slightly dry chicken, the under-salted chips and the disappointing coleslaw that no one really likes. But the gravy, oh god the gravy was perfect as always. She drank her 1.25L beverage but not all of it. She'd leave a little bit in it so it felt like a waste to throw it away and then just let it go flat over the next few days before finally throwing it away.
And only when they'd eaten the last piece of chicken did Colonel Sanders swoop down, picking Madeline up and sweeping her off the feet (just like in the COVER YO) and carried her to the bed. He planted a kiss on her lips and they both savoured the delicious taste of chicken.
"You're KFC." She said seductively.
"What does that mean?" He growled, removing her clothes.
She blushed, a little embarrassed. "You're...Kinda Fucking Cool."
Colonel Sanders laughed. His hand now trailing down to the apex of her thighs. Madeline let out a moan of passion.
Colonel Sanders thought about those words. "I like that...KFC...Kicking Fat Children...Klassy Fried Chicken...Kentucky Fried Chicken!"
And just like that, he had found his restaurant name!
"Now, you just need a slogan." Madeline purred.
Colonel Sanders waited until Madeline had screamed his name euphorically and then lifted his hand between them, looking at his fingers. "I think I just found that too..." He said, looking into the camera like he's on The Office. "Finger. Licking. Good."
*****
Dear Veronica,
I'm so glad to hear about your engagement to Duke Reginald! I'm also curious to hear about this vegan, gluten free diet you're on? I myself am on a strick chicken only diet and as a colonels wife who is pregnant with triplets I must go for the healthiest option. I've got to keep this short, I'm due for my gravy bath. Enjoy your life.
I feel as a long time Colonel Sanders and KFC fan I have a duty to make this story cringe worthy and yet oddly satisfying to those readers who are just like me. So grab a delicious, crispy chicken wing, ignore my spelling mistakes, general crappy grammar and enjoy. And to cover my own ass, all these characters belong to KFC and I mean no offence to anyone. Also I apologies because this got way out of hand and there's a lot of dirty insinuations involved. Take a bible with you. Also I didn't read this over because I'm terrified of having these thoughts in my head again.
Of all the things that Lady Madeline Parker disliked about her life, the one that constantly stuck out in her brain was her hatred of beef. There was something inherently pointless about it's boring, bland flavour and particularly chewy meat. Even now as she sat at the table, sawing at a rather pitiful piece of it she couldn't help but sigh.
Around her at the table, her family watched with a secret dancing between them. Even Madeline's younger sister, Veronica who was obviously talented at every thing pursed her lips as though to stop herself from speaking. Veronica looked beautiful, even after she'd been outside doing yoga for the last two hours. Maybe it had something to do with her new gluten free diet she bragged about constantly.
Madeline looked at her beef and for just a moment and considered this strange, gluten free idea but she quickly returned to her senses. What a ridiculous idea, she thought.
Winston, Madeline's favourite sibling cleared his throat and gave a pointed glare at Mama.
Finally, Mama spoke, just as Madeline managed to hack my way through a string of fat. "I have some wonderful news," She declared. "It's about you, Madeline."
Madeline dropped her knife and fork onto the table and bared her teeth. She was fed up with beef. She was tired of feeling so underwhelmed and unsatisfied after every meal that involved in. How could someone live a in a world like this? It wasn't even porterhouse but a measly, flank steak. "This beef is terrible Papa, how could you allow us to suffer by eating it?"
Mama and Papa looked at each other and shared a silent conversation before Mama looked at Madeline again. "Well, my dear if the meal is so unpleasant you will be glad to hear the news. Duke Reginald has asked for your hand in marriage and we have allowed it."
Madeline couldn't contain her gasp of horror. Duke Reginald was a well known man in the county. He was rich, handsome and from certain rumours it was well known he was talented at clapping with only one hand. Everything Madeline would look for in a man except that Duke Reginald had a deal breaker and it was one that she could not look past. "Mama!" She screamed. "He's...He's a...He's a vegan!"
Despite Mama's face turning red and angry it was Veronica who spoke first, her voice enraged. "How can you be so selfish, Madeline! That man is the only one in the county who would ask for your spoilt hand in marriage and all you care about is his lack of meat! If you weren't so selfish you would accept this marriage and spend your days as a duchess."
Madeline opened her mouth to retort just how important meat was to her when her Papa, who doesn't have any other role in this story besides being the enforcer, spoke. "Madeline...You don't have the option to accept this marriage. We have already done that for you. You will be married to Duke Reginald by the end of the month and you will not have anything else to say about it tonight, understand?"
Madeline looked down at her steak. Suddenly, it didn't seem so bad.
She stood there as Mama, Papa and Veronica all left the room and this story. They weren't important anyway. Rumour has it, they don't even like gravy. However, Winston loved gravy almost as much as he loved his sister...who are we kidding, he loves it more than Madeline. She's a KFC. Kinda Foolish Chick. No one loves a Kinda Foolish Chick.
He pushed away the thoughts of gravy and took his sisters, cold hand. "Maddie, you don't have to do this, you know? You could run away from this wedding."
She looked at him wide eyed. "Winston, where would I go? I've never left the safety of our home. All I know is beef, scrabble and how to tie a string bow tie."
"Just get on your horse and ride. Go towards the coast. Maybe try fish?"
Madeline curled her nose at the thought of fish. Sure, the beef here was deplorable but what other meat could she eat?
Winston squeezed her hand before he stood up and turned to walk out of the room. Before he left, he looked over his shoulder dramatically. "Let me ask you this...could fish be worse than being a vegan?"
Madeline listened to her brothers footsteps as he walked away. No...she decided. There was nothing worse than being a vegan. Unless you were a vegan with a gluten free diet too but no one would be that silly.
And so that night, Madeline didn't pack a bag because she's a spoilt brat and expected a maid to do it for her, climbed aboard her horse and rode towards the coast. Little did she know what would be waiting for...or who.
*****
The ride towards the coast had started well for Madeline. Her horse Persephone galloped ahead, the wind whipping through her mane.
However, things took a turn for the worst when Madeline realised...She didn't know how to ride a horse. Persephone headed straight for a very spooky looking forest that mostly likely hid a band of thieves that liked to prey on young women like Madeline. Spoilers?
No, because it's happening right now!
A thief jumped out from behind the tree grabbing a hold of the leather reins and pulling Persephone to a grinding halt.
Madeline released a shrill scream that could be heard from miles away. However, it was cut short as a thief leapt up towards her, his arm snaking around her waist and yanking right from her steed.
"Well what have we got here?" The thief sneered.
Madeline wriggled out of his grasp and quickly faced her back to a large tree. She looked at the three thieves that stood before her. They were triplets. All of them had long, skinny legs. Their hair was bright red and styled in a type of deflated mohawk. And for some strange reason they had attached feathers to their old clothes. They looked like...weird ducks.
"What do you want with me?" Madeline whimpered.
One of the thieves laughed and looked at the brother to his left. "Damn, Daniel!" He exclaimed. "This girl is KFC."
Thief Daniel nodded his head in agreement. "Ain't nobody got time for that. We should just take the horse and leave her in distress."
The third brother didn't seem so sure as he took a step closer to Madeline. "What's your name?" he asked.
Madeline swallowed the lump in her throat as she decided to lie. "It's...Felicia."
He squinted his eyes at her before he released a deep, throaty laugh. "You're right boys, she is KFC! Let's get outta here."
They turned their backs on Madeline, leading Persephone away with them. Madeline was in such a shock she didn't even move to stop them. Not even as Thief Daniel waved at her and said, "Bye Felicia!" before disappearing with her horse and her only way to get to the coast.
It was only when Madeline heard a branch snapping in the distance did she finally move from the tree. "Who's there?" she screamed because alerting your presence in a forest filled with bad people wasn't a bad idea.
In this case, it was a terrible disaster as a talking goat clambered out from behind the trees. It's horns were coated in blood and it's white goatee touched the ground. It's eyes were bright red as it focused it's attention on Madeline. The air around them grew tense as Madeline idly looked around for any form a weapon but she was in the middle of a forest and not armoury. So she curled her fists and looked the goat in the eye. It's first words, were terrifying.
"I crave that mineral," It bleated and then it was running towards her, tucking it's chin down so his horns could be used to their full extent.
Madeline didn't have time to scream before there was a huge thud and a great, white shape took up in front of her. It took her but a few seconds to realise that this shape was in fact a man. He wore a stark, white suit. It's sleeves cut off at the shoulders. He wore a helmet that was white and red. Madeline couldn't see his face but as he spoke, her knees went weak.
"It makes you a chicken to attack a young lady in distress. I ought to deep fry you, goat."
The goat bleated in response before Madeline heard his little hooves, trotting off back into the trees. He didn't put up much of a fight but judging from the bulging muscles on the knights arms, she wouldn't want to get on the wrong side of him either...maybe the right side though. Or underneath.
He turned around slowly, Madeline's eyes assessing every inch of the man. From his white leather shoes, to the cardboard bucket on his head, the eye holes cut out unevenly. She couldn't see his face but her eyes settled on the only non-white thing he wore...a string bow tie.
It was then, Madeline knew she was in love.
"You...saved me." She breathed, casually sticking out her chest. "Whatever could I do to repay you?"
The knight cleared his throat as he took a tentative step towards her. "You can repay me by giving me your name."
"It's Madeline. And what's yours?"
His hand reached up and ever so slowly pulled of the helmet, shaking his head. His thick, white locks bounced around until they finally settled in place, shaping his magnificent face. He was the most handsome man she'd ever laid eyes upon. "Sanders," He said with a smile. "Harland Sanders. How can I help you, Madeline?"
Madeline asked Harland if he could take her to the coast, despite the fact that the man had no horse, no need to go there or any favour owed to her but because this is a love story, he said yes. Along the way she told Harland her story and her secrets about how her parents had wanted her to marry rich but she had run away. She spoke about how she would never want to be in that situation again and all she wanted to do was have a normal life, like any other normal person. And then she asked Harland about himself.
"What's your secret?" She smiled.
"Who told you about the eleven secret herbs and spices?!" He gasped.
"Excuse me?" Madeline said bewildered.
Harland looked shocked for a second before he shrugged it off with a laugh. "I mean, I don't have any secrets that I'm going to reveal upon meeting you...I mean, I'm just a simple man. A sailor. A romantic. A string bow tie enthusiast."
Madeline didn't even know that she'd wanted all of those things until now. It was like she was living in a hazy world until she'd met Harland. They continued on their journey until they reached a coastal town and they found a hotel to stay out. I can't be very descriptive because I've just realised there's a word count and it's slowly creeping up on me. You guys can just fill in the blanks with your imagination but keep it clean...for now.
*****
Madeline sat before the big open fire, a cup of beer in her hands as she listened to Harland talk about life as a sailor. From what she could see on his face there was sadness there. Like something had happened to him and driven him to a life on the seas. What life did you have before Harland? Madeline thought to herself. What life would you want with me?
She was surprised by her second thought. She was also a little scared to have fallen in love with this stranger so quickly. As she watched him though, with that glint in his eye she knew that she needed to be with him. So she decided to wing it and interrupted him before he'd finished speaking.
"Harland...I think we should get a dinner for two...or a giant feast. I want to share something with you..." She reached over and ever so carefully, took his hands in hers. "I want to share a lot of things with you."
(PLZ remember word count, I can't spend a lot of time focusing on them falling in love and not on the actual spiciness)
Harland looked torn for a second before he allowed a smile to cover his face. "Oh Madeline, I'm so glad you feel it too. But I need to tell you something first..."
Madeline felt her heart sink a little as she took in the desperation in his voice. "What is it?"
Harland stood up from his seat. "Well, I can show you. If you'll come with me?"
Madeline didn't hesitate as she sculled the rest of her beer. Her Mama didn't raise no quitter. She stood up and allowed him to guide her up the stairs towards the bedrooms. It was only when Harland reached his own room that Madeline started to fret. She was a woman of noble birth and it was already scandalous that she'd run away from home before her own wedding, let alone that she was now entering another mans room!
But as he opened the door she was greeted by an irresistible smell...Oh my. Madeline closed her eyes as she breathed deeply through her nose. Harland let go of her hand but Madeline just wanted to embrace this smell for a few seconds longer.
When she finally mustered the strength to open her eyes she gasped. Harland had his back to her but he'd taken off his white pants as he had begun to take of his shirt.
"What are you doing?" She screamed.
Harland looked over his shoulder and smiled at her knowingly. His hands were playing with something near his waist. Strangely, Madeline only felt a warmth spread through her body at that and it caused her to step further into the room, closing the door behind her.
This only caused him to smile more before he spoke. "I do have a secret I need to share with you, Madeline. Especially since you're my one true love. I...like to cook. And I want to cook you something now. Something I'm famous for." He spun around, his eyes looking from his hips, to her.
Madeline, processed his words but she was too busy looking at down at his cock. The poor thing was being choked by Harland's hands.
"What are you doing to that poor rooster?"
Harland, laughed before he lifted it higher in the air as it squawked. "Madeline, this isn't a rooster. It's a hen and it's my specialty. Don't be a chicken, come closer and I'll show you."
She was terrified but as she looked at Harland she could see the passion on his face. He loved...whatever he was about to do. In this case, murder to that poor hen but we're going to overlook that because it's all for the greater good.
"Sit down," He told her. "I'll tell you my story as I prepare for you the greatest meal you'll ever taste."
And so the night wore on. Madeline sat at the table between eleven small dishes filled with herbs and spices. She watched Harland, with splatters of blood dotting his skin, feathers littering the floor around him as he told her about his past life. His parents owned a chicken business across the sea and he was to be the heir of the business...but he had been too afraid. He was scared he wasn't good enough especially because he planned on franchising the business to become even more famous and wealthier. He broke a chair into pieces and started a fire right in the middle of the room as he crumbed the chicken with spices and flour and all that other stuff you use to make delicious pieces of heaven. As the food began to cook, the smell that had been in the room intensified and Madeline found herself becoming more and more relaxed but also eager to taste Harland. Uhm, Harland's food.
Finally, he set a box down in front of her. Inside of it was 10 pieces of freshly prepared Original Recipe chicken, 2 large chips, large coleslaw, large potato & gravy, and a 1.25L drink™. Madeline looked from the food up to her Harland. As he told her the last part of the story. That his parents had died a really hazardous death when the chickens fought back and smothered them before they even really had a chance. And so now it was his. The business, the home, the life he had before. He was now a rich man and he was to take back the family name. He was Colonel Sanders and he was still the love of her life. Madeline pretended to forget that she'd said earlier she wanted a normal life because let's be real, who would pass up a life of wealth and chicken? She couldn't wait to rub this in Veronica's face.
Madeline, reached over and took Colonel Sanders hand. "I still love you," she declared and then looked at the food. "There's so much here, I don't think I can eat it all on my own."
Colonel Sanders smiled cheekily. "This, my love, is the Family Box."
"The Family Box!" She exclaimed. "But there's only two of us..."
He smirked and looked behind him at the bed. "Baby, After we've eaten that chicken, i'm going to give you some stuffing and we're going to create a new beginning for us."
Madeline had never eaten food so fast, she barely had time to register the crispy skin and slightly dry chicken, the under-salted chips and the disappointing coleslaw that no one really likes. But the gravy, oh god the gravy was perfect as always. She drank her 1.25L beverage but not all of it. She'd leave a little bit in it so it felt like a waste to throw it away and then just let it go flat over the next few days before finally throwing it away.
And only when they'd eaten the last piece of chicken did Colonel Sanders swoop down, picking Madeline up and sweeping her off the feet (just like in the COVER YO) and carried her to the bed. He planted a kiss on her lips and they both savoured the delicious taste of chicken.
"You're KFC." She said seductively.
"What does that mean?" He growled, removing her clothes.
She blushed, a little embarrassed. "You're...Kinda Fucking Cool."
Colonel Sanders laughed. His hand now trailing down to the apex of her thighs. Madeline let out a moan of passion.
Colonel Sanders thought about those words. "I like that...KFC...Kicking Fat Children...Klassy Fried Chicken...Kentucky Fried Chicken!"
And just like that, he had found his restaurant name!
"Now, you just need a slogan." Madeline purred.
Colonel Sanders waited until Madeline had screamed his name euphorically and then lifted his hand between them, looking at his fingers. "I think I just found that too..." He said, looking into the camera like he's on The Office. "Finger. Licking. Good."
*****
Dear Veronica,
I'm so glad to hear about your engagement to Duke Reginald! I'm also curious to hear about this vegan, gluten free diet you're on? I myself am on a strick chicken only diet and as a colonels wife who is pregnant with triplets I must go for the healthiest option. I've got to keep this short, I'm due for my gravy bath. Enjoy your life.
Read
May 6, 2017What the everloving F-CK is this?? LMAO...
May 23, 2017
My friend sent me an email asking if I wanted to buddy read this, I laughed and dismissed it as a joke only to discover she was serious and so here I am.
Now despite the fact that I would never have given this a second glance on my own I did fully expect to find this amusing, a pun filled romance maybe?
So I was all set for an amusing read only to discover it's not funny at all in fact if I had to pick just one word to describe it it would be 'dull' incredibly mind numbingly dull.
Thankfully it's a short read, not short enough mind you but I'm grateful it wasn't longer but it has to be said I would have been more grateful had been a lot shorter.
Lady Madeline Parker is beautiful and intelligent and being courted by a duke no less but she doesn't love him or feel any spark when he's near. The night before the wedding she runs away, she doesn't leave a note and barely spares a thought for the family and fiancé she's left behind.
In this ideal world she leaves home saddles her horse and off she goes she ends up in a small sea town, finds a job where everyone is nice. The job comes with accommodation and a best friend plus Harland. In Harland she finds what she was missing.
I had to laugh (my only one in the whole book) when Harland asks her for a walk she replies:
"I am not one of those kinds of ladies,”
But at the end of the walk:
“Would you like to come back to my room with me?” she asked boldly.
So okay she is one of those kinds of ladies.
I don't know if it's me, if it's just because it wasn't the hilariously funny read I was expecting or if it's because I'd just finished an amazing book and anything following that would have struggled but I didn't like the writing style, the characters, the way she didn't even spare a thought for her family.
I'm strongly advising my friend to please please (are you listening B?) let someone else pick the next buddy read.
Now despite the fact that I would never have given this a second glance on my own I did fully expect to find this amusing, a pun filled romance maybe?
So I was all set for an amusing read only to discover it's not funny at all in fact if I had to pick just one word to describe it it would be 'dull' incredibly mind numbingly dull.
Thankfully it's a short read, not short enough mind you but I'm grateful it wasn't longer but it has to be said I would have been more grateful had been a lot shorter.
Lady Madeline Parker is beautiful and intelligent and being courted by a duke no less but she doesn't love him or feel any spark when he's near. The night before the wedding she runs away, she doesn't leave a note and barely spares a thought for the family and fiancé she's left behind.
In this ideal world she leaves home saddles her horse and off she goes she ends up in a small sea town, finds a job where everyone is nice. The job comes with accommodation and a best friend plus Harland. In Harland she finds what she was missing.
I had to laugh (my only one in the whole book) when Harland asks her for a walk she replies:
"I am not one of those kinds of ladies,”
But at the end of the walk:
“Would you like to come back to my room with me?” she asked boldly.
So okay she is one of those kinds of ladies.
I don't know if it's me, if it's just because it wasn't the hilariously funny read I was expecting or if it's because I'd just finished an amazing book and anything following that would have struggled but I didn't like the writing style, the characters, the way she didn't even spare a thought for her family.
I'm strongly advising my friend to please please (are you listening B?) let someone else pick the next buddy read.
May 17, 2017
17/5 - This book felt like a giant trick played on its readers. The cover and title promise tongue-in-cheek hilarity and chickeny puns, instead we get a tedious story with barely a shred of 'romance' and not a single mention of chicken (or any chicken parts) written by an author who seems to refuse to understand the difference between 'lie' and 'lay'. The mistake was made so many times I began to believe it was a subliminal message telling all of us looking for references to 'pimpled skin' and 'juicy breasts' that the promise of the title and cover was all a big 'lie'. I took notes, enjoy.
2%
'There was something inherently pointless about the entire idea, for why would anyone really care about the process of making pretty little designs with a needle and thread?'
I really enjoy cross stitch and the reason to make those 'pretty little designs' is to decorate your house with the product of your own hard work. Way to alienate a reader in the first paragraph.
2%
'...needle and thread’s use lie in mending...'
That should be 'lay'.
4%
'He looks like a vanilla biscuit...'
I'm confused as to how a human can resemble a biscuit, vanilla or otherwise.
5%
'...own needlework lie forgotten...'
That should be lay.
7%
'Were it not for Madeline, Victoria would probably already be married. This frustrated Madeline to no end, for if only her sister had been born first, their lives would be so much happier. Perhaps then Mama and Papa would allow her to travel and seek out some destiny that right now seemed terribly out of reach.
Probably not even then because they would still be financially responsible for her and have to have enough money coming in to afford to keep her in food and clothing.
12%
'...given her future status as a woman engaged to a duke.'
That's her current status as he has already proposed to her (via proxy, her father who accepted on her behalf), her future status would be a woman married to a duke.
13%
'She was particularly looking forward to this evening because Lord Hornby had only recently returned from Bombay, and Madeline wanted to hear his stories about the culture.'
As if Lord Hornby would have any comments on the culture. All he's going to tell you is about how hot the weather is and how badly behaved the local servants are and why can't we beat some manners into them.
19%
'Wouldn’t it be her job to host parties? To birth children? Wouldn’t she have to be charming in a perfectly wonderful yet unthreatening way? Did she want all of that?'
You've accepted now, you don't really have a choice unless you want to create a scandal that would ruin Victoria's prospects for marriage and your own for any kind of future in society.
28%
'Lacing up her riding boots, she slung the bag over her shoulder...'
A lady's bag that would hold more than one dress in this era would not be able to be slung over a shoulder. In this situation she would use a travelling case that would go on the roof of a carriage and it's likely that would be in a box room in the attic, not in her wardrobe. The only other bag available would be her reticule and they were small drawstring sacks that fit over the wrist, big enough for a fan, a hanky and maybe some coins, not an entire outfit.
31%
'She had a little pocket money she could use to buy a room at an inn for the following night...'
Even with her plainest gowns she's going to stand out a mile going to an inn without a chaperone.
40%
'Madeline turned out to be a quick study in the ways of bartending, mostly because it was an incredibly simple thing to do once someone got their mind wrapped around it properly.'
Oh really?! Wait till you're doing it while 50 men try to grab your ass or kiss you every time you walk past.
41%
'Once Madeline learned the basics, she then learned a little bit about Caoimhe. She was Irish (which Madeline should have guessed)...'
Well, back about a page and a half earlier you theorises that it was likely Caoimhe was either Irish or Scottish, so you did 'guess' that didn't you.
43%
'While some of that was true (he did seem perpetually grumpy), he was actually much younger than she had anticipated.'
Damn! I was hoping the unexpected might happen and Madeline might hit it off with Caoimhe.
46%
'Madeline had never seen a sailor wear glasses before...'
That's probably because sailors with glasses were a liability and unlikely to be hired on (or kept on if their eye problems became apparent after they joined the crew) as many of the important jobs on a sailing ship involve good eyesight - spotting pirates, spotting hidden reefs, seeing where you're going as you climb to the crow's nest, etc. It's not believable that someone who needs glasses would be a sailor in the era this is set.
48%
'Her mind was still full of his smile, those eyes. What was wrong with her? She barely knew who he was...'
You don't know who he is at all, mostly because you met him about 15 seconds ago!!
50%
'She looked away again. Caoimhe found all of this immensely entertaining.
"Isn’t he a dish?"'
That phrase didn't become popular till well into the 20th century, Madeline would probably have been confused by Caoimhe's question and looked at her like she was using slang from nearly 100 years in the future.
56%
'Madeline did not understand why, but there was a tone to Caoimhe’s voice that implied that she was ashamed of where she lived [...] “It is perfect,” she [Madeline] breathed. Caoimhe looked away so as not to show her facial expression, which was a mixture of relief and embarrassment over having been worried at all. ...no matter how much she [Madeline] had tried to shed her image of coming from wealth, it seemed as though it followed her anyway.
Told you your status in society couldn't be hidden under plain dresses.
62%
'She was the impulsive teenager; she was the runaway bride.'
The word 'teenager' wasn't coined until at least 1922, well past the era of this book.
68%
'They walked the winding streets of Mistle-Thrush-by-the-Sea, showing Madeline places that she had not yet found the time to see.'
But its dark, so she's still not seeing anything!
73%
'One night when she was 15, she had playfully discovered a few secret novels that her maid had hidden. They spoke of fire and passion, of wanting, and although the thought of it thrilled Madeline, she was old enough to believe that such a thing could never happen to her. But she had taken comfort in the idea that it existed.'
Why on earth is that comforting when she believes it will never happen to her?
74%
'As she lie in his arms...'
That should be lay.
74%
'"Where have you come from?" Harland murmured into her hair once they were finished with their kisses.'
Is kissing all they did, or is that some stupid euphemism for sex?
75%
'If they were going to be lovers, she wanted him to know exactly who he was spending his time kissing.'
Uh, she does realise there's more to being lovers than just kissing, right?
78%
'As much as she believed that she was some liberated woman who could take a lover...'
But you haven't taken a lover!! You've just kissed him a bit and slept in the same bed.
80%
'...made it feel better than any feather mattress she had ever laid in.'
She's not lying in the mattress.
85%
'Over the next month, Madeline felt as if she were walking on air.'
And then she found out she was pregnant out of wedlock?
87%
'...she complained to Harland one night as they lie together on her bed...'
That should be lay.
93%
'The wind had whipped Harland’s fair hair around his face, blowing against his beautifully sculpted cheekbones and glasses.'
His glasses are beautifully sculpted?
'"Yes, I’m a Colonel. Yes, I’m fabulously rich. I am a magnate of the restaurant industry, my dear, the king of an empire that I built with my bare hands."'
Restaurants began in the early 1800s (1821 in France to be precise, according to this online etymology dictionary but I doubt that it could have been called an 'industry' already or that there would be any 'magnates'.
99%
'Speaking of love, I was unable to tell you the fantastic news that occurred after the last time you visited. It seems I have fallen in love myself, with none other than Reginald!'
Oh gee! Colour me surprised by this revelation. /s
Throughout the book I counted 17 formatting errors, 15 of which were to do with too much or too little space around words written in italics, the other two were unnecessary line breaks. The only reason I didn't give this one star is that I didn't hate it, although if I had paid money for it I would have been much less chilled out about the way I was fooled into reading this. I never would have read this book if not for the misleading title and cover and playing a practical joke like this on readers isn't a good way to celebrate your target market.
2%
'There was something inherently pointless about the entire idea, for why would anyone really care about the process of making pretty little designs with a needle and thread?'
I really enjoy cross stitch and the reason to make those 'pretty little designs' is to decorate your house with the product of your own hard work. Way to alienate a reader in the first paragraph.
2%
'...needle and thread’s use lie in mending...'
That should be 'lay'.
4%
'He looks like a vanilla biscuit...'
I'm confused as to how a human can resemble a biscuit, vanilla or otherwise.
5%
'...own needlework lie forgotten...'
That should be lay.
7%
'Were it not for Madeline, Victoria would probably already be married. This frustrated Madeline to no end, for if only her sister had been born first, their lives would be so much happier. Perhaps then Mama and Papa would allow her to travel and seek out some destiny that right now seemed terribly out of reach.
Probably not even then because they would still be financially responsible for her and have to have enough money coming in to afford to keep her in food and clothing.
12%
'...given her future status as a woman engaged to a duke.'
That's her current status as he has already proposed to her (via proxy, her father who accepted on her behalf), her future status would be a woman married to a duke.
13%
'She was particularly looking forward to this evening because Lord Hornby had only recently returned from Bombay, and Madeline wanted to hear his stories about the culture.'
As if Lord Hornby would have any comments on the culture. All he's going to tell you is about how hot the weather is and how badly behaved the local servants are and why can't we beat some manners into them.
19%
'Wouldn’t it be her job to host parties? To birth children? Wouldn’t she have to be charming in a perfectly wonderful yet unthreatening way? Did she want all of that?'
You've accepted now, you don't really have a choice unless you want to create a scandal that would ruin Victoria's prospects for marriage and your own for any kind of future in society.
28%
'Lacing up her riding boots, she slung the bag over her shoulder...'
A lady's bag that would hold more than one dress in this era would not be able to be slung over a shoulder. In this situation she would use a travelling case that would go on the roof of a carriage and it's likely that would be in a box room in the attic, not in her wardrobe. The only other bag available would be her reticule and they were small drawstring sacks that fit over the wrist, big enough for a fan, a hanky and maybe some coins, not an entire outfit.
31%
'She had a little pocket money she could use to buy a room at an inn for the following night...'
Even with her plainest gowns she's going to stand out a mile going to an inn without a chaperone.
40%
'Madeline turned out to be a quick study in the ways of bartending, mostly because it was an incredibly simple thing to do once someone got their mind wrapped around it properly.'
Oh really?! Wait till you're doing it while 50 men try to grab your ass or kiss you every time you walk past.
41%
'Once Madeline learned the basics, she then learned a little bit about Caoimhe. She was Irish (which Madeline should have guessed)...'
Well, back about a page and a half earlier you theorises that it was likely Caoimhe was either Irish or Scottish, so you did 'guess' that didn't you.
43%
'While some of that was true (he did seem perpetually grumpy), he was actually much younger than she had anticipated.'
Damn! I was hoping the unexpected might happen and Madeline might hit it off with Caoimhe.
46%
'Madeline had never seen a sailor wear glasses before...'
That's probably because sailors with glasses were a liability and unlikely to be hired on (or kept on if their eye problems became apparent after they joined the crew) as many of the important jobs on a sailing ship involve good eyesight - spotting pirates, spotting hidden reefs, seeing where you're going as you climb to the crow's nest, etc. It's not believable that someone who needs glasses would be a sailor in the era this is set.
48%
'Her mind was still full of his smile, those eyes. What was wrong with her? She barely knew who he was...'
You don't know who he is at all, mostly because you met him about 15 seconds ago!!
50%
'She looked away again. Caoimhe found all of this immensely entertaining.
"Isn’t he a dish?"'
That phrase didn't become popular till well into the 20th century, Madeline would probably have been confused by Caoimhe's question and looked at her like she was using slang from nearly 100 years in the future.
56%
'Madeline did not understand why, but there was a tone to Caoimhe’s voice that implied that she was ashamed of where she lived [...] “It is perfect,” she [Madeline] breathed. Caoimhe looked away so as not to show her facial expression, which was a mixture of relief and embarrassment over having been worried at all. ...no matter how much she [Madeline] had tried to shed her image of coming from wealth, it seemed as though it followed her anyway.
Told you your status in society couldn't be hidden under plain dresses.
62%
'She was the impulsive teenager; she was the runaway bride.'
The word 'teenager' wasn't coined until at least 1922, well past the era of this book.
68%
'They walked the winding streets of Mistle-Thrush-by-the-Sea, showing Madeline places that she had not yet found the time to see.'
But its dark, so she's still not seeing anything!
73%
'One night when she was 15, she had playfully discovered a few secret novels that her maid had hidden. They spoke of fire and passion, of wanting, and although the thought of it thrilled Madeline, she was old enough to believe that such a thing could never happen to her. But she had taken comfort in the idea that it existed.'
Why on earth is that comforting when she believes it will never happen to her?
74%
'As she lie in his arms...'
That should be lay.
74%
'"Where have you come from?" Harland murmured into her hair once they were finished with their kisses.'
Is kissing all they did, or is that some stupid euphemism for sex?
75%
'If they were going to be lovers, she wanted him to know exactly who he was spending his time kissing.'
Uh, she does realise there's more to being lovers than just kissing, right?
78%
'As much as she believed that she was some liberated woman who could take a lover...'
But you haven't taken a lover!! You've just kissed him a bit and slept in the same bed.
80%
'...made it feel better than any feather mattress she had ever laid in.'
She's not lying in the mattress.
85%
'Over the next month, Madeline felt as if she were walking on air.'
And then she found out she was pregnant out of wedlock?
87%
'...she complained to Harland one night as they lie together on her bed...'
That should be lay.
93%
'The wind had whipped Harland’s fair hair around his face, blowing against his beautifully sculpted cheekbones and glasses.'
His glasses are beautifully sculpted?
'"Yes, I’m a Colonel. Yes, I’m fabulously rich. I am a magnate of the restaurant industry, my dear, the king of an empire that I built with my bare hands."'
Restaurants began in the early 1800s (1821 in France to be precise, according to this online etymology dictionary but I doubt that it could have been called an 'industry' already or that there would be any 'magnates'.
99%
'Speaking of love, I was unable to tell you the fantastic news that occurred after the last time you visited. It seems I have fallen in love myself, with none other than Reginald!'
Oh gee! Colour me surprised by this revelation. /s
Throughout the book I counted 17 formatting errors, 15 of which were to do with too much or too little space around words written in italics, the other two were unnecessary line breaks. The only reason I didn't give this one star is that I didn't hate it, although if I had paid money for it I would have been much less chilled out about the way I was fooled into reading this. I never would have read this book if not for the misleading title and cover and playing a practical joke like this on readers isn't a good way to celebrate your target market.
May 17, 2017
Reviewed for herding cats & burning soup.
Amazon: http://amzn.to/2pKVPcY
Not bad. Not bad. I laughed, I cried, I smiled as they set sail for their chicken empire in America.
Tender Wings of Desire turned out to be a surprisingly cute read. A runaway heroine, a tavern by the sea, a glasses wearing sailor with chicken in his past.
Rawr!
Okay so if you've been on social media you've seen this one. Before it blew up Catherine Gayle tagged me in a post over it and I was like I AM IN! A mother's day novella from KFC?! ohmahgawd. So I dropped everything and read Tender Wings of Desire straight through. And I don't regret a damn second of it it's tender, yet crispy, goodness. l
Basically Madeline is supposed to be marrying someone and she's like omg NO! He's so bland! I need some spices in my life! So she runs away and eventually lands in a small town by the sea. And so her life begins in a little tavern with a mass of fishy smelling locals--they're all sailors, coworkers who soon turn to friends and a single sailor who just has a twinkle in his eye. I had fun getting to know the town and watching the two of them fall for each other. There's a little bit of heat, too. The Colonel has some moves, yall.
I would totally read more from Harland Sanders. While Tender Wings of Desire could have used a bit of editing it was a fun little read. I enjoyed the characters, seeing Madeline take her life and make it what she wanted. I loved how they worked in KFC, though, there was surprisingly very little chicken. All breasts and thighs were solely that of the heroines.
May 9, 2017
KFC Writes Romance Like They Cook Chicken, You're Not Quite Sure What You Ingested
This short story reads like the typical KFC meal; you probably won't finish it before you begin to feel nauseous and full of regret. As usual the product in KFC's photos doesn't look remotely similar to what the customer actually receives, and this short story is no different. The grammatical errors causes one to question whether KFC's editor was too busy adding spices to the secret recipe to edit the story? Please excuse me, but I'm off now to read Arby's new erotica booklet "We Have the Meats".
This short story reads like the typical KFC meal; you probably won't finish it before you begin to feel nauseous and full of regret. As usual the product in KFC's photos doesn't look remotely similar to what the customer actually receives, and this short story is no different. The grammatical errors causes one to question whether KFC's editor was too busy adding spices to the secret recipe to edit the story? Please excuse me, but I'm off now to read Arby's new erotica booklet "We Have the Meats".
Want to read
May 7, 2017I don't know what this is or why it exists, but I'm craving some fried chicken. So maybe it's working?
May 20, 2017
I wasn't expecting much, and not much is what I got.
I know you shouldn't judge books by their covers, but when the cover shows a woman in pants with a purse and keys, and fried chicken in various locations, you expect a contemporary where they go out to eat at least once. It's not.
The story itself isn't *awful,* but could have used a good editor. There's a lot of repetition and phrases tend to repeat themselves. The worst thing is that no one eats chicken! If this was a marketing tool, KFC missed it by a mile. The best thing is that if I had paid for this book, I would have been livid - unless proceeds were going to a charity.
So read it for entertainment, but don't expect anyone to say pass the gravy.
I know you shouldn't judge books by their covers, but when the cover shows a woman in pants with a purse and keys, and fried chicken in various locations, you expect a contemporary where they go out to eat at least once. It's not.
The story itself isn't *awful,* but could have used a good editor. There's a lot of repetition and phrases tend to repeat themselves. The worst thing is that no one eats chicken! If this was a marketing tool, KFC missed it by a mile. The best thing is that if I had paid for this book, I would have been livid - unless proceeds were going to a charity.
So read it for entertainment, but don't expect anyone to say pass the gravy.
July 17, 2022
What a total piece of shit.
Popeye's, if you're listening, I'll do a for-hire romance novel based on...well, Popeye? Is that where your chicken restaurants get their name?
Okay, I just Googled, and it turns out Popeye's is named after Popeye Doyle, as portrayed by Gene Hackman in The French Connection? Whaaa...?
So I guess technically there already IS a book based on Popeye's, and it's called The French Connection.
But dudes, I'll write you a great romance. It's perfect. It'll be a detective story that goes all soft and mushy, unlike your delicious friend chicken.
In fact, let me just lay out a premise for several different fast food franchises, and I'll add my fee for writing them:
Wendy's: Wendy is the greatest burger chef in the world, known as much for her delicious burgers as she is her red hair. But when she decides to make her burger patties square, she rocks the burger world, and she finds a surprising ally in her old rival, Thomas Davies, and the two fuel each other competitively and, perhaps, in other ways.
Fee: I'll do this one for free. I fuckin' love Wendy's.
McDonald's: a McDonald's marketer from the 90's end up in a time machine and comes to the present, only to discover that McDonald's has abandoned most of its McDonaldland characters because some jackoff made a stupid movie where eating McDonald's one time made him barf. Anyway, this plucky marketer is teamed up with a more cynical fellow who is constantly talking about AI algorithms and blah blah blah, and she has to remind him of the magic of characters, narrative, and fries made in beef tallow.
Fee: I worked for McDonald's for about a year when I was 15, and I made something like $4.50 an hour. I figure you could pay me a fairer wage, let's call it $6.00 an hour, so a makeup of $1.50 an hour...Let's call it $1500.
Burger King: The King of Burger is bored, lonely, and kind of creepy ever since a wizard put a curse on him that froze his face is to a plastic-y, terrifying rictus. The only way to break the curse is for him to eat the most delicious burger he's ever laid face on. In rides a hero who might just be able to provide.
Fee: $500. This is a pretty random figure. I don't really have much of a personal relationship with Burger King. But they do feel wildest in terms of what they'll do marketing-wise, so game recognizes game.
Arby's:
In the gold rush town of Arby, Colorado, prospectors arrive by the bucketful every day to make their fortune. A woman, Horseysauce (pronounced "or-see-saw-say," she's French) has set up shop feeding hungry golddiggers her delicious roast beef sandwiches. But when an evil land baron comes along and attempts to put her and most of the town out of business, it's up to Madame Horseysauce and her companion, a miner with a heart of gold, even if his pickaxe can't seem to find any, to right the wrongs and save the town.
Fee: $800. I've eaten Arby's like twice in my life, and though I don't personally like them, I respect their commitment to the curly fry. Is it me, or are curly fries never quite hot enough? That'll also be a plot point. Horsesauce makes curly fries in honor of her miner friend's curly hair.
KFC: Let me start by saying where Tender Wings of Desire goes wrong.
It's boring.
The plot is boring: precocious young woman does not want to marry a duke and instead wants to run away and make a life for herself, work and go to school and stuff.
Which, Honey, sounds more fun than it is.
She meets a man named Harlan, and they fall instantly in love.
Now, the conflict, because there must always be a conflict in a romance, comes when our heroine, Madeline, confesses to Harlan that she used to be a lady of society, set to marry a duke, but she ran away because she...wanted to make her own way in the world. Which means working in a sleazy seaside bar, I guess.
She gets pissed off because she finds out that Harlan is not a simple sailor, he's actually a Colonel who created a restaurant empire!
Upon learning this, Madeline rides her horse to a cliff. I think she's going to just leave the seaside town, not throw herself off, but whatever. Harlan admits he's wealthy and powerful and left that behind to see the world, but now he has to return to the States and be The Colonel again.
Madeline doesn't want to go with him because the book requires some kind of plot. She has to be convinced that she likes her current life that she built for herself. It's one of those things where it's like, "It's not much, it's a bartending job and a place to sleep above the bar, but damn it, I earned it!"
I don't know why fictional characters are so obsessed with that. I mean, I like doing things for myself, but if someone was like, "We're totally infatuated with each other, and it turns out she super rich, and it'd be preferred by society that I not work in a bar" I think I'd somehow, some way, muddle through.
But I guess this is before Nintendo was invented, so whatever.
The plot is just so basic, the book is so boring, there's NO description of the Colonel really knocking the back out, so it's pretty chaste. NOBODY would give this a second glance if it weren't a KFC marketing gimmick.
Which I'm not opposed to, but there are just so many missed opportunities.
For starters, Madeline could be betrothed to a boring duke who's a hamburger magnate. She's eaten many a burger and she finds them tasteless and boring. If only there was something herby-y-er, spicier.
Second, why does she run away to a seaside town and meet Harlan there? Isn't the way to do this, you set it in The States, she lives in a seaside town where everyone is eating fish 24/7, and then she runs away to rural Kentucky where she gets a job working on a chicken farm?
Third, Madeline gets on the Colonel's radar because she has an unusual quirk of bringing her lunch to work in a red and white striped bucket.
Fourth, there HAS to be a duel for Madline's affection, but instead of pistols at dawn, it's fried food at midday. Fish filet versus the Colonel's secret recipe. Duh.
Finally, at the book's end, a shadowy figure waits in the wings. He has his own ideas for what the future of chicken looks like. His name...Popeye.
Lotta missed opportunities in this book, and nothing that makes this remotely KFC-related. Normally I guess it'd be a good thing if a novel didn't feel like it was written as KFC propaganda, in fact it's one of the top criteria on the Pulitzer consideration process checklist, I think, but in this one case, I could've gone for it.
Fee: This one's $2500. Because it's damn good, and because I had to read your original recipe, and it sucks.
Popeye's, if you're listening, I'll do a for-hire romance novel based on...well, Popeye? Is that where your chicken restaurants get their name?
Okay, I just Googled, and it turns out Popeye's is named after Popeye Doyle, as portrayed by Gene Hackman in The French Connection? Whaaa...?
So I guess technically there already IS a book based on Popeye's, and it's called The French Connection.
But dudes, I'll write you a great romance. It's perfect. It'll be a detective story that goes all soft and mushy, unlike your delicious friend chicken.
In fact, let me just lay out a premise for several different fast food franchises, and I'll add my fee for writing them:
Wendy's: Wendy is the greatest burger chef in the world, known as much for her delicious burgers as she is her red hair. But when she decides to make her burger patties square, she rocks the burger world, and she finds a surprising ally in her old rival, Thomas Davies, and the two fuel each other competitively and, perhaps, in other ways.
Fee: I'll do this one for free. I fuckin' love Wendy's.
McDonald's: a McDonald's marketer from the 90's end up in a time machine and comes to the present, only to discover that McDonald's has abandoned most of its McDonaldland characters because some jackoff made a stupid movie where eating McDonald's one time made him barf. Anyway, this plucky marketer is teamed up with a more cynical fellow who is constantly talking about AI algorithms and blah blah blah, and she has to remind him of the magic of characters, narrative, and fries made in beef tallow.
Fee: I worked for McDonald's for about a year when I was 15, and I made something like $4.50 an hour. I figure you could pay me a fairer wage, let's call it $6.00 an hour, so a makeup of $1.50 an hour...Let's call it $1500.
Burger King: The King of Burger is bored, lonely, and kind of creepy ever since a wizard put a curse on him that froze his face is to a plastic-y, terrifying rictus. The only way to break the curse is for him to eat the most delicious burger he's ever laid face on. In rides a hero who might just be able to provide.
Fee: $500. This is a pretty random figure. I don't really have much of a personal relationship with Burger King. But they do feel wildest in terms of what they'll do marketing-wise, so game recognizes game.
Arby's:
In the gold rush town of Arby, Colorado, prospectors arrive by the bucketful every day to make their fortune. A woman, Horseysauce (pronounced "or-see-saw-say," she's French) has set up shop feeding hungry golddiggers her delicious roast beef sandwiches. But when an evil land baron comes along and attempts to put her and most of the town out of business, it's up to Madame Horseysauce and her companion, a miner with a heart of gold, even if his pickaxe can't seem to find any, to right the wrongs and save the town.
Fee: $800. I've eaten Arby's like twice in my life, and though I don't personally like them, I respect their commitment to the curly fry. Is it me, or are curly fries never quite hot enough? That'll also be a plot point. Horsesauce makes curly fries in honor of her miner friend's curly hair.
KFC: Let me start by saying where Tender Wings of Desire goes wrong.
It's boring.
The plot is boring: precocious young woman does not want to marry a duke and instead wants to run away and make a life for herself, work and go to school and stuff.
Which, Honey, sounds more fun than it is.
She meets a man named Harlan, and they fall instantly in love.
Now, the conflict, because there must always be a conflict in a romance, comes when our heroine, Madeline, confesses to Harlan that she used to be a lady of society, set to marry a duke, but she ran away because she...wanted to make her own way in the world. Which means working in a sleazy seaside bar, I guess.
She gets pissed off because she finds out that Harlan is not a simple sailor, he's actually a Colonel who created a restaurant empire!
Upon learning this, Madeline rides her horse to a cliff. I think she's going to just leave the seaside town, not throw herself off, but whatever. Harlan admits he's wealthy and powerful and left that behind to see the world, but now he has to return to the States and be The Colonel again.
Madeline doesn't want to go with him because the book requires some kind of plot. She has to be convinced that she likes her current life that she built for herself. It's one of those things where it's like, "It's not much, it's a bartending job and a place to sleep above the bar, but damn it, I earned it!"
I don't know why fictional characters are so obsessed with that. I mean, I like doing things for myself, but if someone was like, "We're totally infatuated with each other, and it turns out she super rich, and it'd be preferred by society that I not work in a bar" I think I'd somehow, some way, muddle through.
But I guess this is before Nintendo was invented, so whatever.
The plot is just so basic, the book is so boring, there's NO description of the Colonel really knocking the back out, so it's pretty chaste. NOBODY would give this a second glance if it weren't a KFC marketing gimmick.
Which I'm not opposed to, but there are just so many missed opportunities.
For starters, Madeline could be betrothed to a boring duke who's a hamburger magnate. She's eaten many a burger and she finds them tasteless and boring. If only there was something herby-y-er, spicier.
Second, why does she run away to a seaside town and meet Harlan there? Isn't the way to do this, you set it in The States, she lives in a seaside town where everyone is eating fish 24/7, and then she runs away to rural Kentucky where she gets a job working on a chicken farm?
Third, Madeline gets on the Colonel's radar because she has an unusual quirk of bringing her lunch to work in a red and white striped bucket.
Fourth, there HAS to be a duel for Madline's affection, but instead of pistols at dawn, it's fried food at midday. Fish filet versus the Colonel's secret recipe. Duh.
Finally, at the book's end, a shadowy figure waits in the wings. He has his own ideas for what the future of chicken looks like. His name...Popeye.
Lotta missed opportunities in this book, and nothing that makes this remotely KFC-related. Normally I guess it'd be a good thing if a novel didn't feel like it was written as KFC propaganda, in fact it's one of the top criteria on the Pulitzer consideration process checklist, I think, but in this one case, I could've gone for it.
Fee: This one's $2500. Because it's damn good, and because I had to read your original recipe, and it sucks.
August 15, 2017
I read the KFC romance novel (more like a novella... It was short) so you don't have to. It was disappointingly bland. I was hoping it would lean into the camp and many be even have a bunch of awkward product placement. Alas, it was just a so-so romance with a character who was secretly Colonel Sanders.
Meh.
Meh.
May 14, 2017
Great concept, great cover.. and then nothing useful done with the material. Chicken puns inexplicably absent, as are references to secret herbs and spices. Not good on historical accuracy, either - Col. Sanders was a real, larger-than-life individual, and had nothing to do with pseudo-Victorian Britain.
It was $0 on Amazon, though, and some people found it quite amusing. So there's that.
It was $0 on Amazon, though, and some people found it quite amusing. So there's that.
May 13, 2017
Will never see Colonel Harland Sanders the same again! Thus I can't unsee this crap ever again...
1.5 lacking luster stars *.5
1.5 lacking luster stars *.5
June 19, 2017
I was a bit disappointed with this book as I thought it was going to be a tongue in cheek comedy. Turns out it was just a short standard fare romance novella, but what I found oddest was that it was all set in a coastal village in England. I was expecting a Southern Charm 'Gone with the Wind' (or maybe 'Gone with the Wings') type story.
Price was right at 'free' but not really for me as I was expecting something totally different. Maybe this will start a new trend of Fast Food Fiction :)
Price was right at 'free' but not really for me as I was expecting something totally different. Maybe this will start a new trend of Fast Food Fiction :)
May 13, 2017
DNF 70%.
Not cheesy enough. I was expecting something completely crazy but it is surprising tame (read: boring). This review or this one is more fun than the book!
Not cheesy enough. I was expecting something completely crazy but it is surprising tame (read: boring). This review or this one is more fun than the book!
May 9, 2017
It was surprisingly not awful. I've definitely read worse historical romances. It's like nine chapters long with an epilogue, free on Kindle... give it a shot - it'll give you a real good chuckle!
pass
May 8, 2017I'm not sure I'll ever look at the Col. the same way again. In the meantime, pass me a bucket of chicken please ;-)
June 10, 2017
Oookay. Not sure what I just read, really. It seemed like a light-weight Regency romance at first, but the historical inaccuracies had me wondering.
And the book's cover? It's just wrong on sooo many levels.
And the book's cover? It's just wrong on sooo many levels.
January 19, 2024
The writing, I hate to admit, wasn’t terrible. It had a good plot. But minus the stars bc she left Caoimhe again and there wasn’t one time the author used “finger lickin good”.
August 26, 2021
Holy Disappointment Batman.
I spent years trying to track down this Mother's Day Special from KFC. It was advertised as a Harland Sanders romance novel. And KFC seems to be the king of trolls with a Dating Simulator and spicy Movie following this one with Harland Sanders as the Nashville Hot Prize.
However, that's not what this was. I feel bad giving it two stars because it was well written and cute, but it wasn't in anyway tied to KFC. The cover is deceptive as this is a historical romance about a Lady who doesn't want to get married so runs away and hides as a barmaid in a tavern. Until Harland Sanders, a sailor from a castle in the rolling hills of Kentucky waltzes in and sweeps her off her feet.
Oh, spoiler I guess because that was the entire book. Like, there's no tension or stakes cause it's just a fluff novella. I wish like Harland was sailing the seas in search of the perfect chicken recipe or that perhaps she was from some rival of his and it was an ill-fated romance. Anything other than, this. I literally think some big wigs at KFC contacted a romance writer and took one of their half completed drafts and changed the heroes name to Harland Sanders and called it a day.
I did read this for free and it took me all of an hour to read it...so no real loss. Just after years of my quest to find this, I was disappointed in the final product.
I spent years trying to track down this Mother's Day Special from KFC. It was advertised as a Harland Sanders romance novel. And KFC seems to be the king of trolls with a Dating Simulator and spicy Movie following this one with Harland Sanders as the Nashville Hot Prize.
However, that's not what this was. I feel bad giving it two stars because it was well written and cute, but it wasn't in anyway tied to KFC. The cover is deceptive as this is a historical romance about a Lady who doesn't want to get married so runs away and hides as a barmaid in a tavern. Until Harland Sanders, a sailor from a castle in the rolling hills of Kentucky waltzes in and sweeps her off her feet.
Oh, spoiler I guess because that was the entire book. Like, there's no tension or stakes cause it's just a fluff novella. I wish like Harland was sailing the seas in search of the perfect chicken recipe or that perhaps she was from some rival of his and it was an ill-fated romance. Anything other than, this. I literally think some big wigs at KFC contacted a romance writer and took one of their half completed drafts and changed the heroes name to Harland Sanders and called it a day.
I did read this for free and it took me all of an hour to read it...so no real loss. Just after years of my quest to find this, I was disappointed in the final product.
Read
November 14, 2021Very upset that there was no fried chicken involved.
Read
May 12, 2017Spoiler alert: there is no sex of any bestial double entendre in this book. And honestly, we should all count ourselves grateful, because in the age of 4chan, I think the greatest Mother's Day gift we can all give is a world that continues to be free of the canonical sexploits of Antebellum Creepy Uncle. So, without feather ado, here's the rest of the "review":
I need to get one thing out of the way that made no sense to me, because I AM EXPECTING CONSISTENCY AND ACCURACY in my fast-food romance. This is the cover:
A practical woman, she has even remembered her purse into the early stages of ravishment! Importantly, though, she is modeling the very latest fashion-forward mom wear from the 21st century. THIS BOOK IS A VICTORIAN ROMANCE. Lady Madeline Parker is meant to marry a duke (who she addresses as "Duke" because lol) and she wears corsets, or whatever very remedial signal that this book is historical. I feel that the cover is false advertising. I am not sure why, but I was very sold on the idea of a contemporary romance featuring, well, the two people on the cover. (Mostly the drumstick.)
Hilariously, there actually is a plausible IRL model for the dude on the cover:
See what I mean about counting our blessings that the book didn't get too fowl? (I can't promise that will be the last one.) Hunky Wrestler Sanders is already a thing. The human imagination needs very little suggestion.
Look, this book wasn't good. It wasn't even really worth the chuckle that other not good books are able to deliver. There actually wasn't even any chicken in it? Harland Sanders revealed to be an ambiguous restaurant mogul, but there is nary a reference to the 11 original herbs and spices or anything. I'm embarrassed to admit that I might have actually had some expectations, but I kind of thought that at least half of the humor would be that she's turned on as much by fried chicken as by The One That's Not Bernie Sanders. The best thing I can say about Tender Wings of Desire is
but it's a disappointingly poultry attempt at even satirical romance. I guarantee you an intern wrote this in an afternoon and it was proofread by, like, E.L. James.
I know you were probably hoping for more humor, but it's the end of the week and my brain is honestly pretty fried, and there really wasn't actually that much material to work with here. Not gonna lie, though, I'm pretty hungry for Popeye's now.
I need to get one thing out of the way that made no sense to me, because I AM EXPECTING CONSISTENCY AND ACCURACY in my fast-food romance. This is the cover:
A practical woman, she has even remembered her purse into the early stages of ravishment! Importantly, though, she is modeling the very latest fashion-forward mom wear from the 21st century. THIS BOOK IS A VICTORIAN ROMANCE. Lady Madeline Parker is meant to marry a duke (who she addresses as "Duke" because lol) and she wears corsets, or whatever very remedial signal that this book is historical. I feel that the cover is false advertising. I am not sure why, but I was very sold on the idea of a contemporary romance featuring, well, the two people on the cover. (Mostly the drumstick.)
Hilariously, there actually is a plausible IRL model for the dude on the cover:
See what I mean about counting our blessings that the book didn't get too fowl? (I can't promise that will be the last one.) Hunky Wrestler Sanders is already a thing. The human imagination needs very little suggestion.
Look, this book wasn't good. It wasn't even really worth the chuckle that other not good books are able to deliver. There actually wasn't even any chicken in it? Harland Sanders revealed to be an ambiguous restaurant mogul, but there is nary a reference to the 11 original herbs and spices or anything. I'm embarrassed to admit that I might have actually had some expectations, but I kind of thought that at least half of the humor would be that she's turned on as much by fried chicken as by The One That's Not Bernie Sanders. The best thing I can say about Tender Wings of Desire is
but it's a disappointingly poultry attempt at even satirical romance. I guarantee you an intern wrote this in an afternoon and it was proofread by, like, E.L. James.
I know you were probably hoping for more humor, but it's the end of the week and my brain is honestly pretty fried, and there really wasn't actually that much material to work with here. Not gonna lie, though, I'm pretty hungry for Popeye's now.
May 14, 2017
Tender Wings of Desire was such!! a good!! read!!! It was exactly what I was expecting from a novel released for mother's day (THANKS KFC), complete with insta-love, a fierce protag and a handsome love interest.
Madeline, the protag, is the daughter of a lord who flees from her home because she wants to seek ADVENTURE and not really get married like her parents and her younger sister wants her to. In doing so, she ends up in a cozy small town by the sea, befriends the girl working in the local bar and ends up falling in love with the tall, handsome, blond, blue-eyed (his eyes are exactly two shades darker than the sea!!! whatever that means) sailor who also happens to wear glasses because that's cute. Of course, Harland falls in love with her too, and soon Madeline learns the joys of living a simple life, working for her stuff and being in love, something she never dreamed she could do. IT WAS SO GOOD. Pretty heart warming, too, and I loved that Madeline and her irish-named lady friend had such a good friendship
The climax was pretty dramatic but everything ends up fine, which was pretty great . I read it all in one seating and loved it. If you want some good, light hearted romance, read this. Trust me.
Madeline, the protag, is the daughter of a lord who flees from her home because she wants to seek ADVENTURE and not really get married like her parents and her younger sister wants her to. In doing so, she ends up in a cozy small town by the sea, befriends the girl working in the local bar and ends up falling in love with the tall, handsome, blond, blue-eyed (his eyes are exactly two shades darker than the sea!!! whatever that means) sailor who also happens to wear glasses because that's cute. Of course, Harland falls in love with her too, and soon Madeline learns the joys of living a simple life, working for her stuff and being in love, something she never dreamed she could do. IT WAS SO GOOD. Pretty heart warming, too, and I loved that Madeline and her irish-named lady friend had such a good friendship
The climax was pretty dramatic but everything ends up fine, which was pretty great . I read it all in one seating and loved it. If you want some good, light hearted romance, read this. Trust me.
May 23, 2017
A lady such as myself has certain expectations when you put fried chicken on the cover of a book. Yes, even if that fried chicken is KFC. Fried Chicken is an essential part of an well balanced diet of grease and salt. Imagine my surprise when this book does not have any of the characters eating fried chicken.
No breast
No thighs
No wings
Oh my
What did the book entail? Arranged Marriage, a runaway, finding true love at first sight and happily ever after. Boo, Booo, Boooo and Booooo. I want fried chicken damn it. Chicken so tasty that you lick your fingers after you finish. So tasty that you are willing to trip up your spouse so you get the last piece. See that's true love.
No breast
No thighs
No wings
Oh my
What did the book entail? Arranged Marriage, a runaway, finding true love at first sight and happily ever after. Boo, Booo, Boooo and Booooo. I want fried chicken damn it. Chicken so tasty that you lick your fingers after you finish. So tasty that you are willing to trip up your spouse so you get the last piece. See that's true love.
May 8, 2017
OMG 😂😂😂😂😂 Probably the weirdest, funniest marketing campaign ever.
May 5, 2024
Too much drama, not enough chicken
tbr-freebie-kindle
May 7, 2017This shit better be funny :D
https://youtu.be/0fecWdiWYjs
https://youtu.be/0fecWdiWYjs
May 6, 2017
I can't tell if this is intended to poke fun at romance readers and the genre, or is actually aimed at romance readers and just doesn't quite hit the mark. If you enjoy romance, you will either be offended or amused—read at your own risk. 😊
May 11, 2017
Typical.
Displaying 1 - 30 of 256 reviews