The Power of Strangers: The Benefits of Connecting in a Suspicious World

by Joe Keohane

A “meticulously researched and buoyantly written” ( Esquire ) look at what happens when we talk to strangers, and why it affects everything from our own health and well-being to the rise and fall of nations in the tradition of Susan Cain’s Quiet and Yuval Noah Harari’s Sapiens

“This lively, searching work makes the case that welcoming ‘others’ isn’t just the bedrock of civilization, it’s the surest path to the best of what life has to offer.”—Ayad Akhtar, Pulitzer Prize–winning author of Homeland Elegies

In our cities, we stand in silence at the pharmacy and in check-out lines at the grocery store, distracted by our phones, barely acknowledging one another, even as rates of loneliness skyrocket. Online, we retreat into ideological silos reinforced by algorithms designed to serve us only familiar ideas and like-minded users. In our politics, we are increasingly consumed by a fear of people we’ve never met. But what if strangers—so often blamed for our most pressing political, social, and personal problems—are actually the solution?

In The Power of Strangers, Joe Keohane sets out on a journey to discover what happens when we bridge the distance between us and people we don’t know. He learns that while we’re wired to sometimes fear, distrust, and even hate strangers, people and societies that have learned to connect with strangers benefit immensely. Digging into a growing body of cutting-edge research on the surprising social and psychological benefits that come from talking to strangers, Keohane finds that even passing interactions can enhance empathy, happiness, and cognitive development, ease loneliness and isolation, and root us in the world, deepening our sense of belonging. And all the while, Keohane gathers practical tips from experts on how to talk to strangers, and tries them out himself in the wild, to awkward, entertaining, and frequently poignant effect.

Warm, witty, erudite, and profound, equal parts sweeping history and self-help journey, this deeply researched book will inspire readers to see everything—from major geopolitical shifts to trips to the corner store—in an entirely new light, showing them that talking to strangers isn’t just a way to live; it’s a way to survive.

Genres: Nonfiction, Psychology, Self Help, Sociology, Audiobook, Personal Development, Communication

328 pages, Hardcover

First published July 13, 2021

Reviews

[Chris Boutté · Rating 5 out of 5]

I’m an introvert who struggled with social anxiety for a long time, but my isolation made me spiral into depression, and I eventually started self-medicating with substances. Since getting sober, I’ve realized how important it is that we make social connections. So, when I saw this book from Joe Keohane, I knew I had to check it out. Not only is this a fantastic book, but it was extremely uplifting. There are so many books on loneliness and polarization, which is why we need this book more than ever. I’m still not great at talking to strangers, but Keohane sold me on the benefits of talking to strangers and how it can improve all of our lives.

Keohane dives into all of the benefits of meeting strangers, and he even puts himself in a lot of uncomfortable situations to see if the research is legit. There are great people that Keohane interviews throughout the book, which was a great addition to the science behind the benefits of human connection. The author helps bust a bunch of myths around our fears of talking to strangers and showcases how this can help us live in a less polarized society. I can’t recommend this book enough and hope it reaches as many people as possible.

[MIKE Watkins Jr. · Rating 5 out of 5]

"And when you talk to people you don’t know, I tell them, you learn that everyone has a bit of gold; everyone has at least one thing to say that will surprise you, amuse you, horrify you, edify you. They tell you things, usually with minimal prodding, and sometimes those things can deepen you, and awaken you to the richness and the grace and even the pain of the human experience."


This snippet of the book encapsulates the main premise that Joe brings out, this idea that the way we perceive strangers in general...is not a reflection of how they actually are. Here are the results of one of the various experiments referenced in the book that brings this out: " people who talked to strangers reported a significantly more positive, enjoyable commute than those who didn’t. Conversations lasted an average of 14.2 minutes, and the talker came away with a positive impression of the strangers they’d talked to. "



1. The book also goes on to address why we hesitate to talk to strangers. This consisted of various reasons from...a feeling that we want to talk to strangers more than they want to talk to us, cultural differences, fear of the unknown, influence from the cultural "stranger danger" phenomenon, etc.

Before I move on in this uh...review, I want to demonstrate the stranger danger phenonomon and how relevant it is via this portion from the book: "respondents are far more afraid of being killed by a stranger than by someone they know (29.7 percent to 21 percent), and far more afraid of being sexually assaulted by a stranger than by a familiar person (27.1 percent to 19.2 percent). Yet, as with crimes against children, the vast majority of murders and sexual assaults are committed not by strangers, but by people known to the victims. According to data from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, in 2016, 85 percent of murders in America were committed by people the victims knew.


2. There are various ways to overcome this hesitancy...one such way that really stuck out to me was the idea of finding a common connection.

"According to the social psychologists who advanced the idea of mere belonging, Gregory Walton and Geoffrey Cohen, humans “are highly sensitive to even minor cues of social connection.” When we find some small similarity, it serves as “an entryway to a social relationship—a small cue of social connection to another person or group.” Humans have a powerful need to belong, so we look for what are called incidental similarities when we encounter strangers. These reassure us by signaling that we have something in common, that we belong together.



3. But one can only discover this common connection by sustaining a conversation. Joe mentions the 80/20 rule where the idea is to listen during 80% of the conversation and listen for 20% of it. I like to view it this way...imagine you're in a conversation with 5 people...if you speak 80% of the time that leaves 20% of the time to be allocated to 4 people. However, if you speak for 20% of this conversation...that leaves 80% to ideally be evenly distributed among 4 other people that embrace the same idea.


Joe also presents this idea of a "triple consciousness".

“What I want is for people to begin to learn that to be in a conversation, they need to maintain a kind of double consciousness, even a triple consciousness,” he says. “The consciousness of what the conversation is, the consciousness of what they want to say, and then the kind of meta-consciousness of Am I contributing to the process of this conversation in a good way? Or Am I being overbearing? Am I being irrelevant? Am I not trying to build? That’s the undercurrent.”

Lastly, the "disclosure-reciprocity" effect is another way to go...it's the idea that if you share something personal the other person will match that level of personal exposure. There are various reasons for that...but one is that this displays a level of trust you have in the other person, to share something so personal with them. This prompts the other person to trust you in return.



4. Lastly, the book introduces this amazing idea that the society you grow in can dictate how open you are to engaging with strangers.


"The reason why high trusters tend to be less gregarious is as simple as it is counterintuitive: They don’t have to be. We have seen time and time again how friction makes us social. Inefficient high-trust societies, friction is minimal. Central institutions handle the things that in less-well-functioning places often fall to individuals. In low-trust countries, however, people can’t rely on institutions to take care of them. They have to be more sociable—with friends and strangers alike—in order to get by. This friendliness isn’t driven by a love for all, but out of a need to cope with the chaos, instability, and threats affecting life in an unstable environment.


The book after this proceeds to give a series of practical tips towards engaging with strangers, often told in personal stories Joe himself experienced. This section of the book was helpful at first...but after a while repetitive and not as interesting.

[Ben · Rating 2 out of 5]

Keohane seems much more interested in speculating about the political consequences of talking to strangers, than in actually talking to strangers. I found this totally unconvincing, and would recommend instead Putnam's "Bowling Alone."

There is lots of long-winded philosophizing, mostly to fill pages. Lots of uncritical quotes of unreproducible social science experiments run on undergraduate students. Surprisingly, there is *not* a lot of talking to strangers. Perhaps this is a consequence of writing the book during the Covid pandemic? But then why isn't there more than a paper-thin discussion of online discussions?

> “The religious communities constituted by Western religions are typically constituted by culturally different groups of people, who may be considered the same because they subscribe to the same creed. The religious communities of the Eastern traditions typically consist of constituencies of culturally similar people, who are prepared to let others adhere to different creeds.”

> So, if Protestantism, income equality, low levels of crime and corruption, and low parasite threat are the key drivers of trust in strangers, then it comes as no surprise that the northern European countries are all on the top of the pile. The trust exhibited by these societies is so beneficial that experts have called it “Nordic gold.”

> There actually appears to be an inverse correlation between generalized trust and what we—particularly Americans, but others as well—would construe as friendliness. … We have seen time and time again how friction makes us social. In efficient high-trust societies, friction is minimal. Central institutions handle the things that in less-well-functioning places often fall to individuals. In low-trust countries, however, people can’t rely on institutions to take care of them. They have to be more sociable—with friends and strangers alike—in order to get by. … “Although uninsulted southerners were, if anything, more polite than northerners, insulted southerners were much more aggressive than any other group,” Cohen and Nesbitt found. There’s a name for this link between politeness and violence: the paradox of politeness.

> Mexico ranks higher in terms of simpatía than other Latin American countries. And she attributes this to the way in which they were conquered. In Latin American countries, as well as in the United States and Canada, the newcomers came and eradicated the native peoples. In Mexico, with notable exceptions like the Aztecs, many of the native people cooperated, in time blending their traditions with those of the Spanish, leading to hybrids like Mexico’s distinctive form of Catholicism.

> the best conversational opener ever: When someone tells you what they do for a living, always respond, “That sounds really hard,” and watch what happens. … “How are you doing?” seldom if ever gets a real response. But something more specific like “How’s the day been?” does a little better. And my new go-to—“People behaving themselves?”—works great. It always gets a conspiratorial smile, and sometimes a story … Never just “thanks,” which would be to follow a script, always something more, like “Hey, thanks for doing that. I really appreciate it.” People seem taken aback, but pleasantly so.

> ‘Every morning, say hello to everyone. Everyone. I don’t care who it is. Guy, girl, everyone. Make eye contact, and say good morning.’ … This next week, the people who say good morning back, say “How are you?”

[Graeme Newell · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was such a practical and usable book. It left me with a lot to think about - and a few new tricks up my sleeve for navigating the world of human interaction.

This book is a guidebook for anyone who’s ever felt a little hesitant about striking up a conversation with someone they don’t know. And let’s be honest, that’s most of us.

What I appreciated most about this book is how Keohane didn’t just give us the theory behind why we should talk to strangers; he gave us the tools to actually do it. I’m always grateful when I walk away from a nonfiction book with a pocket full of specific tactics that I can implement, and this one was just filled with practical tips.

Keohane provides a complete guide on the best way to approach strangers and have meaningful conversations with them. It’s not just about the small talk; it’s about connecting on a deeper level, and he breaks it down in a way that feels totally manageable.

One of the points that hit home for me was in the first chapter, where Keohane talks about our tendency to view strangers not as fellow citizens, but as obstacles. He points out that we often see them as human beings only marginally, and I had to admit, I’ve definitely been guilty of that.

Sometimes, when I’m in the grocery store, I don’t see that woman in the produce aisle as a person with her own story and struggles. I see her as someone standing between me and the zucchini squash. Keohane’s words made me stop and think about how often people pass by me unnoticed or summarily dismissed. It was a bit of a wake-up call.

Keohane’s survey of the research on how we perceive strangers was another highlight for me. It was startling to see just how afraid most people are of interacting with strangers. When asked to predict how a conversation with a stranger will go, most people imagine it going badly. But when they actually engage, 95% of the time, they report that it went well. It’s fascinating how our perceptions are so skewed, and Keohane dives deep into explaining why we avoid these interactions and what’s really going on in our heads.

But where the book really shines is in the middle section, where Keohane gets into the nitty-gritty of how to approach people in all sorts of situations. He’s got specific tactics for making sure those interactions go smoothly, from what phrases to use, to how to carry yourself so you don’t come off as creepy or threatening. I found this part particularly useful because, let’s face it, the last thing any of us wants is to make someone uncomfortable.

One section that stood out was his advice on talking to people whose political and ethical worldviews differ from our own. In today’s divided world, this is gold. Keohane offers specific ways to find common ground and bridge the gap, and it felt like a practical toolkit for navigating those tricky conversations. It’s the kind of advice that makes you feel more confident about stepping into a potentially contentious discussion.

Now, while I really enjoyed the book, it wasn’t without its faults. As good as Keohane is as a writer - his conversational style makes the book flow like butter - there were so many moments when this book wandered badly. He often made the same points multiple times. I found myself wishing he’d been able to organize the content more progressively so that it flowed better from one section to the next. Instead, there were times when I felt like I was circling back to ideas that had already been covered.

Overall, though, I’d recommend this book to anyone looking to become more comfortable with striking up conversations with people they don’t know. It’s a reminder that we’re all just humans trying to get through the day, and a little connection can go a long way.

Even with its occasional redundancy, Keohane’s insights and practical advice make it worth the read. So, if you’ve ever hesitated to chat with the person next to you on the bus or in line at the coffee shop, this book might just give you the tools you can use to start that conversation.

[Trey H · Rating 1 out of 5]

Ever read a book that should have been a blog post?

This book felt like it was created because the author wanted to write a book about a singular idea: Talking to strangers will make you happier.

The problem is that you don’t need a full book to convey that idea well.

A lot of filler that didn’t add to the central premise, but added pages and allowed for selling a book.

[Sara · Rating 3 out of 5]

کتاب دقیقا همون چیزی رو می‌گفت که اسمش هست.
توش یه بررسی تکاملی تاریخی هم کرده بود که چرا مدل کانکشن و ارتباط برقرار کردن با بقیه به مرور کمتر یا عوض شده.
یه سری راهکار هم برا ارتباط گیری با غریبه ها داده بود.
یه تیکه راجع به چیزی به اسم «لسر مایندز» صحبت کرده بود که برام جدید بود:

In big cities, you get this phenomenon where you’re treating people like obstacles,” Schroeder says. And this creates a sort of loop: City dwellers think of strangers as objects, so we don’t talk to them; and because we don’t talk to them, it never fully occurs to us that they are, in fact, really people. We know intellectually that they are, of course, but we often act like we don’t.
Lesser minds, they explain, works like this: Because we can’t see what’s happening in other people’s heads, we have “what appears to be a universal tendency to assume that others’ minds are less sophisticated and more superficial than one’s own.” That means we chronically underestimate strangers’ intelligence, their willpower, and their ability to feel human emotions like pride, embarrassment, and shame.

یه یادآوری راجع به اسمال‌تاک و چیت‌چت هم داشت که برا خودم خواستم برش دارم:

▪ small talk can be dull. But that’s because most people don’t understand what it’s actually for. It’s not the conversation. It’s the opener for a better conversation. It’s a way to get comfortable with one another and cast around for something that you want to talk about.

[Logan Price · Rating 2 out of 5]

This was a five star book waiting to happen. I loved the overall big concept of it. However, it was twice as long as it needed to be, pretty demeaning towards religion, and its flow of argument lost me at times.

[✨ Anna ✨ | ReadAllNight]

Marked to read on 7/5/21 then saw review in The Economist 7/9/21.

[Scott Bartos · Rating 5 out of 5]

Loved this extraordinarily timely book. The author blends a tremendous amount of research with light-hearted real world anecdotes of his quest to master the art of talking to strangers. As a similarly impatient city-dweller, the thought of purposely interacting with strangers sounds ludicrous and likely unhealthy. I couldn't get enough of the science that separates our ancestors (particularly the bonobo vs. chimpanzee dynamic) or the stories of the crazy, good-the-core people who are endeavoring to make people talk to each other in this increasingly polarized world. Plus the author routinely makes self-awareness an expectation of himself, taking pains to consider how the science, sociology and challenge of talking to strangers may play differently in some groups than others whether women, minorities, and primitive societies like the Finns. But it's not just research and solving the world's problems, there are lots of hilarious jokes, particularly in the footnotes (like the one about "Blondie").

Really fun and enlightening read. Recommended for anyone who lives in a city or gets their news from social media or just plain forgot how to talk with people in real life.

[Mehtap exotiquetv · Rating 5 out of 5]

Warum sprechen wir so selten mit Fremden? In „The power of strangers“ geht Joe Keohane genau dieser Frage nach und erforscht, warum Menschen, besonders in den westlichen, industrialisierten Ländern (den sogenannten WEIRD-Ländern) – dazu neigen, sich in öffentlichen Räumen gegenseitig zu ignorieren - sei es im Bus, im Flugzeug oder an der Supermarktkasse

Anstatt sich mit dieser Tatsache abzufinden, wagt Keohane ein Experiment.Er nutzt jede Gelegenheit, um mit Fremden ins Gespräch zu kommen. Dabei dokumentiert er nicht nur seine persönlichen Erfahrungen, sondern stützt sich auch auf wissenschaftliche Erkenntnisse. Er interviewt Soziologen, Anthropologen und Psychologen, um herauszufinden, was genau diese soziale Distanz ausmacht und wie wir sie überwinden können.

Das Buch ist nicht nur eine spannende Analyse sozialer Dynamiken, sondern auch eine Inspiration, die eigene Komfortzone zu verlassen. Keohane zeigt, dass das Gespräch mit Fremden nicht nur unsere Welt erweitert, sondern auch das Wohlbefinden steigern kann. Seine Erlebnisse sind unterhaltsam, manchmal überraschend und regen dazu an, im Alltag selbst offener auf andere Menschen zuzugehen.

„The power of strangers“ ist eine fesselnde Mischung aus Selbstexperiment, Wissenschaft und gesellschaftlicher Reflexion. Es zeigt, wie wertvoll Begegnungen mit Fremden sein können und wie wir alle davon profitieren können, wenn wir wieder mehr miteinander sprechen. Ein absolut lesenswertes Buch für alle, die ihre soziale Komfortzone hinterfragen und neue Verbindungen schaffen möchten.

[Thom · Rating 3 out of 5]

An interesting book describing the benefits of talking to strangers and the author's own personal journey to become better at that. Between covid and political divisions, this trip has a few detours.

The first portion of the book is really well done. Techniques, situations, and how not to come across as creepy. The anthropology and connections to how various primates meet each other without fighting helps explain things. The author explains some of the medical effects, but mostly makes his point by describing his own feelings after talking with strangers.

Published in July of 2021, this book was clearly written during Covid, and that comes out. Talking to strangers over zoom isn't the same as in person. The author also connects to the political situation, with Better Angels. I liked the discussion points and how to keep those talks on the positive side. This is just a survey, though, and without the depth of the first section. The disparity between the two sections drops the rating slightly on this otherwise four star book.

[Dominic Gowland · Rating 4 out of 5]

An important read for me!

Borrowed from the library WOO

[Rachel Marie · Rating 3 out of 5]

Good read, gives a fresh perspective to talking to people outside your circle, and the harm that the phrase “stranger danger” can bring to meeting new people and hearing their stories

[Pascal · Rating 5 out of 5]

Back in elementary school, we had a weekly crash course in why we shouldn't trust strangers. There were those horror stories about kidnapped children that had their media heyday (because there weren't any culture wars to generate other juicy headlines yet). As a 9-year-old kid who was a bit shy to begin with, I may have taken the advice in that anti-stranger course a bit too much to heart.

But even on a less personal level, reading about the "stranger danger" craze in this book made me realize once again how absurd that weekly elementary school class had been. It was intended to raise awareness, but its effect was to foster distrust in hundreds of kids each week.

Today, Millennials and Generation Z find it funny, in a cynical way, that they are unable to make normal phone calls because of their social anxiety about strangers. This phenomenon is mentioned in the book, along with many other examples of what we say is just how modern society works.

While reading The Power of Strangers, however, the realization kicked in: Wait, this isn’t whacky of funny at all, struggling to order a pizza without an app. On the contrary, it is a perfect example of how we as a society have become so alienated from one another that populists and fascists have an easy time dividing us.

But why did the book touch me on such a personal level? Well, as bad luck would have it, I discovered The Power of Strangers at a time when a terrible stroke of fate forced me to spend an ungodly number of hours each week commuting from home to a loved one in a hospital hours away. With the situation I was in at the time, I already felt a desperate need for more human connection, with friends and family doing their best to keep my spirits up while I pretty much lived a life between work, commuting and hospitals for months at a time. As terrible as that time was, it led me to really connect with the people around me and appreciate those kinds of close relationships with deep conversations - even before I read The Power of Strangers, that is.

The way I'm talking about the book now makes it sound like a self-help book, but believe me, it's not. Yes, it's anecdotal and autobiographical at many points, and indulges in some self-study on the part of the author. But the strongest aspect here is the sociological backbone of it all.

Like so much in modern life as we know it, the sense of social alienation that the book seeks to understand and dismantle is bred by our many Western -isms. First and foremost, of course, capitalism (what else could it be?), with neoliberalism and its self-centered philosophy exacerbating the situation for more than 40 years now.

But The Power of Strangers doesn't stop at explaining these phenomena, it also provides a great toolkit for making incremental changes in your own approach to social behavior - which is probably the most self-helpish aspect of it all. There is a whole chapter on why trains are the perfect place to strike up conversations with strangers. And yes, I took that advice to heart, and I actually met dozens of great people on trains during my months of commuting. Some of them I exchanged numbers with and still keep in touch with. One of them - believe it or not - I fell in love with.

So who knows? Would I have become that annoying person looking for the perfect icebreaker on every train ride if I hadn't read this self-help book in disguise? Would the person I met have even fallen in love with me if I hadn't become that very outgoing person who can't help but talk to everyone in sight? I'm sure the book has played its part.

[Demi Stein · Rating 3 out of 5]

Originele recensie: https://meerboekenblog2.webnode.nl/l/...

Samenvatting
De kracht van onbekenden gaat over wat het met je als mens kan doen om eens met een vreemde in gesprek te gaan. Tegenwoordig zijn we veelal met onszelf of onze telefoons bezig. Wanneer we in de rij voor de kassa staan te wachten, scrollen we door sociale media heen. In dit boek probeert Joe Keohane te ontdekken wat er gebeurt als we contact maken met mensen die we niet kennen.

--

De kracht van onbekenden
De beschrijving van het boek maakt duidelijk waar het over gaat. Veel woorden hoef je er verder niet aan te wijten. Joe Keohane start in zijn boek met het uitleggen waarom wij niet meer praten met onbekenden. Waarom we dat eerder wel deden en hoe het communiceren met vreemden ooit is begonnen.

Het stukje geschiedenis hierin gaat terug naar het begin van de mensheid. Keohane zegt "We ontdekken hoe we, zoals de wetenschappers het noemen, de ultracoöperatieve mensaap zijn geworden, een wezen dat vreemden nodig heeft, maar ook een beetje bang voor ze is". Dat we vreemden nodig zijn en dat we bang voor ze zijn, laat Keohane duidelijk naar voren komen in zijn boek.

Keohane verteld vervolgens door het gehele boek heen wat er nou zo bijzonder is aan het contact hebben met vreemden. Waarom je juist wél contact zou moeten zoeken met onbekenden en wat hier het mooie aan is. Wat dit met jou als mens kan doen en wat het met de ander kan doen. Dit doet hij door een aantal voorbeelden te geven over zijn eigen ervaringen, maar ook door de ervaringen te delen van de mensen waar hij mee gesproken heeft.

De schrijfstijl van Keohane is niet mijn favoriet. Ik heb het gevoel dat hij regelmatig in herhaling valt en op sommige punten niet echt actief schrijft, waardoor het mij regelmatig overkwam dat ik mijn interesse in dit boek verloor. Jammer, want de voorbeelden en ervaringen die hij erin deelt zijn zeker waardevol.

Een leuk feitje wat Keohane benoemt is dat Nederland één van de landen is die het minst bang zijn voor onbekenden. Zelf zal ik niet snel een praatje maken met een vreemde op straat, maar ik zeg bijvoorbeeld wel 'hallo' tegen mensen die ik tegenkom tijdens wandelingen, iets wat blijkbaar niet over de gehele wereld als normaal gezien wordt.

Een voorbeeld die Keohane benoemt en die mij het meest is bijgebleven is het verhaal over de mensen die op straat gaan staan met een bord en daarop de vraag zetten "hoe is het met je". Zelf zou ik nooit, verwacht ik, op zo'n iemand aflopen. Maar het gebeurt veel en de verhalen die daarbij naar boven komen zijn inspirerend en bijzonder.

De kracht van onbekenden is een interessant non-fictie verhaal over contact hebben met vreemden, wat dit met je kan doen in zowel positieve als negatieve zin. De schrijfstijl is niet helemaal mijn ding, maar als je daar langs heen kan kijken, staan er inspirerende verhalen op je te wachten.

[JaNel]

Didn’t finish

Ch. 2 “Minimal social interactions… Never underestimate the power of even the most minute positive connections.… Smiling, making eye contact to establish a connection, and even having a brief conversation to have a stronger sense of belonging and improve mood,”

[Anders Nielsen · Rating 4 out of 5]

I had expected more practical tools, where there definitely are some. But big part of book is about cultural differences and all the reasons why we don't talk to strangers - or why we do. Good humor in the book, some really good tools

[Cooper Easthope · Rating 5 out of 5]

What a fun and inspiring book! This was so different than my expectations, but I enjoyed it all the way through.

The Power of Strangers is a very academic book. It is not a self-help book with tips about how to talk to people or persuade them. This book analyzes why humans need social interaction, how we’ve come to avoid and dehumanize strangers, and what can be done about it.

Keohane did his thorough research for this book and shares personal experiences throughout it. He travelled to several countries to speak with ‘stranger talking experts’ and he spent a lot of time just learning how to talk to people in regular life through his experience. Hearing about his attempts to learn was inspiring to me. I gained a greater appreciation for the depth that exists in every person around me.

Keohane spends a lot of the book talking about the ‘lesser minds problem’. This is when we dehumanize (or objectify) other people by assuming they don’t have the depth or complexity of mind that we do. He argues that this is natural because we are incapable of comprehending the depth that would exist in a city by thinking about the complexity of every individual. Instead we need to simplify the people around us to conserve brain power.

He then goes on to explain ‘the script’ we all live by. The script is the reason people say they hate small talk. This is the rhythm of conversation and body language we use to get through human interaction while continuing to think of the other person as a simple object. His primary example of this is the “how are you?”, “fine”, response that happens at coffee shops every morning. We aren’t actually asking how that person is, and we are taken aback when they break the script.

Keohane explains from his experience that breaking the script is the best way to appreciate other people and create meaningful conversation. He said something that blew my mind - the purpose of small talk is to find something interesting that you both want to talk about. My wife knew this already and thought it was ridiculous I hadn’t learned it yet, but I’m glad Keohane said it! Haha! I’m now trying to pay extra attention to how my conversational partner reacts to different topics when we are doing small talk.

To close the book, the author discusses some of our societal problems with talking to strangers, particularly in an American political context. It’s true, people have become terrible at speaking with one another and truly trying to understand them. He doesn’t have a silver bullet for us. We need to learn to talk to strangers through practice. We need to speak with people on the other side of the political aisle and understand why they believe what they believe. He showed that it’s possible, and people are always surprised at how great an interaction with a stranger is.

I strongly recommend this book. It’s academic, but it’s down to Earth and very inspiring.

[Mike · Rating 4 out of 5]

I heard about this book while listening to an interview with the author, Joe Keohane, on NPR. He documented an experience similar to mine - talking to a stranger in NYC; my experience was in Dallas with a homeless man. Fascinating study of what it can mean to talk to strangers.

[Burt · Rating 2 out of 5]

My local Barnes and Noble had a copy of Joe Keohane’s The Power of Strangers. I skimmed a few pages and liked what I saw, so I checked a copy out from my local library. (I got a nice, new copy - I guess I was the first one to check it out). After reading the book, I’m still puzzling over what to think about it.

The Power of Strangers has some strong points. Keohane makes an excellent case for the value of talking to strangers. He discusses the many ways that we can benefit from stepping outside our lives and into the lives of those who seem to be different. He also gives the reader some advice about how one can go about talking to strangers. (Although his advice is much shorter on specifics than one would guess, given the book’s title).

For me, the book’s drawbacks are at least as weighty as its virtues. The biggest problem is that Keohane cannot focus. On the one hand, the publisher positions the book as a self-help discussion of building good conversations. But this material comprises a small part of what’s here. Keohane spends more time roaming far and wide, discussing (among other topics): apes, the Bible, and his life in New York City. The text runs to 301 pages. A good editor would have streamlined it to about 225 pages.

Keohane injects too many of political opinions. He should have gotten out of the way and respected the reader’s ability to draw conclusions. Suffice to say, Keohane’s politics and passions are those of the contemporary left. For example, he recounts meeting New York City’s hard-left mayor Bill de Blasio in his favorite coffee shop and instructing de Blasio to “Give ‘em hell out there today” (p. 228). If you share Keohane’s views, you’ll probably enjoy his take. And if you don’t...

For me, The Power of Strangers falls under the heading of “Glad I read it, but can’t give it a strong recommendation.” Joe Keohane provides some nice food for thought, but his lack of focus and unsubtle political commentary dilute the book’s impact.

[Pascalle · Rating 1 out of 5]

Ik heb geprobeerd het boek goed te vinden, maar het lukte gewoon niet.

Ik dacht dat het een psychologische boek zou zijn waarvan ik beter zou kunnen leren hoe ik een gesprek met onbekende het beste kan aangaan. Maar ik kan niet zeggen dat ik veel geleerd heb.
3 a 4 hoofdstukken waren op dit gebied behulpzaam. Maar de rest was een saai wetenschappelijk verhaal, met heel veel herhalingen. En verhalen van mensen waarom ze met vreemden praten, waarbij ze allemaal zo ongeveer hetzelfde zeggen.

Het boek had voor mijn gevoel makkelijk met 75 procent gereduceerd kunnen worden tot 80 bladzijden en dan was het oké geweest.

[Vibhor Sahay · Rating 3 out of 5]

Timely book.

As a person who hates small talk, I will take away a few lessons on what to do during my next encounter with a stranger.

Would have liked more practical lessons on how to initiate a conversation though

[Shawn · Rating 4 out of 5]

This has some interesting research and stories about the benefits of initiating conversations with the people around us, particularly when we don't know them at all. I've seen my dad do this over the years, and while I used to be somewhat embarrassed by it when I was younger, I have come to see the value of doing it. This book served to reinforce that change of thinking and to motivate me to go outside my comfort zone, to break social norms, and to make more of an effort to interact with strangers, so it was useful to read.

[Caroline Todd · Rating 4 out of 5]

Started off with an extremely helpful primer for the socially anxious but ended up in the classic 2016 “we should all talk to each other :)” place. Actually we should hold tech companies accountable for obliterating whatever semblance of democracy this country had, all for the sake of their own shareholders, but whatever. I don’t want to talk to every bald white man in an Ohio diner! I want y’all to be less transphobic! Thanks!

[Ayanna Miller · Rating 2 out of 5]

Despite the low rating, I have a lot of appreciation for this book. The foundational concept is a good one: Talkjng to strangers overall makes us happier and more interconnected with our communities. Not just that, but it’s okay to talk to strangers and most people are happy to chat (contrary to the narrative that is usually pushed, especially in larger cities).

The first chapter or two and some of the last few chapters were the best part of this book. Everything in-between felt like filler to the point where it got tedious to read. The cherry-picking of small, random studies just to prove a point was more irritating than interesting. Bringing in biblical analyses felt contrived.

It also became very evident that this book was written by a white man who hasn’t had to fear for his safety in many of his social interactions. He attempts to address this in one of his final chapters, making it feel like an unimportant afterthought as opposed to a reality that so many people face in their day-to-day. This especially just felt privileged and out of touch in a way that was incredibly frustrating.

This book could’ve been a really interesting article, and I think the general thesis is great—especially for people like me who tend to be a little more socially anxious. Overall, this book has changed my perspective for the better, but I don’t think it’s worth reading all the way through.

[Lauren vdW · Rating 5 out of 5]

I stumbled upon this book, lying in a corner of a library shelf. Without thinking too much, I added it to my stack and checked out. The closest to expectations I had when I opened it and started reading, was that it would be a collection of psychology facts about sociability with a side of tips on how to be sociable. What I encountered was far beyond that!

Making use of a story-based approach, the reader is taken along the journey of the author's exploration of history and studies regarding society and the development of social skills through the ages. The way in which the book unfolds feels like a conversation in itself - one of those you'd find around a campfire or over a big cup of coffee.

Before reading this book, I've started to become more familiar with the concept of the loneliness epidemic and 'friendship recession', through articles. Personally, I've also been on a journey of developing my social skills and confidence. I finished this book with a deeper understanding and more informed perspective on society as a whole - one of the takeaways being awareness of how sociability and connection is intertwined with so many other issues in civilization.

The Power of Strangers has made a lasting impact on me - the experience of reading it being so profound that I'm compelled to get a copy of my own. Very few books have made me certain that I would revisit them in the future - this book has earned that honor.

A good book, I believe, is one that not only broadens your perceptions and capacities to feel and comprehend, it inspires actionable change.

It goes without saying that I recommend this book and believe it to be an essential read. This is a book for anyone, especially those that not only want to conquer the anxieties of interacting with strangers, but who want to become a better human being overall.

[Paulina · Rating 3 out of 5]

Saw this recommended on a news feed somewhere…

I had kind of conflicted feelings about this book. I almost feel like it didn’t know what it was trying to do. It would switch between non-fiction, researchy info and then just antecdotes from the author’s life. I feel like it kind of dragged and I was learning nothing but then I actually really enjoyed just hearing how he switched his perspective to talk to strangers more. And then the antecdotes kind of grew on me because it illustrated how to also make that perspective shift for yourself. So kind of torn. Still think it could have been woven together better.

But I did strike up a great chat with a stranger on the airplane, so thank you to this book for inspiring me to do so!

Listened on audiobook ~~

[Anna June · Rating 3 out of 5]

The first 2/3s of the book was great, lots of interesting stories and practical tips. The last bit was a struggle to read without getting frustrated. The commentary about political divisiveness felt shallow and honestly, massively took away from how I was feeling about the book up until that point. All in all, an interesting text about how to connect with the people around us, but not without some moments that will make you roll your eyes.

[Jo · Rating 5 out of 5]

Lots of interesting info about the benefits of connecting. Ends with a solid theory about how to address some of the current societal ills - lesser minds and intolerance of others for example..
I'll be trying out the techniques for starting conversations. Keen to put new tools into practice, I do some of it a bit so do know it's a feel good exercise

[Felix · Rating 3 out of 5]

I dont like the authors brand of humor too much and some passages get very cluttered with random references to scientific papers or philosophers that didnt all need to be there. I think a slimmer version of this book would have been better, with less philosophising. But the personal stories and the actual advice on talking to strangers are great.