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A Grown-Up's Guide To Kids' Wiring
Whether you’re a parent, teacher, coach, grandparent, or the fun uncle in your family, YOU HAVE PROBABLY TRIED TO "FIX" A CHILD. We've all said things like, "He has to calm down." "She has to speak up!" "Why won’t they just do what I tell them to do?" No matter the age or stage, kids are . . . hard. But understanding their wiring might change the way you look at (and speak to) every child that crosses your path from this day forward. Communication expert Kathleen Edelman has spent three decades helping grown-ups make sense of the kids around them. The result? Better behavior, better relationships. In this book and the six videos that go along with it (free on YouTube), she’ll do the same thing for you and the kids in your family, in your classroom, or on your team.
- GenresParentingNonfiction
342 pages, Paperback
Published July 15, 2021
39 people are currently reading
458 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 20 of 20 reviews
January 2, 2023
Very useful for building and healing relationships, even between adults. Simpler than Myers-Briggs or Enneagram, it's easier and faster to use this to start discussions based on the personalities. I found some of the recommended phrases to say a little condescending, even for kids. But would still recommend.
April 19, 2022
I’ve been going through this book with a group at church and highly recommend for anyone with kids in their lives. It goes though 4 different colors that describe different types of people/kids. Keeping kids in mind that I interact with as read this book, I was able to learn how to better communicate with them by understanding the needs/communication skills of the different colors. All of these resources are on YouTube if you search “kind words are cool” so you don’t necessarily need the book but I’m glad I have it as a resource now!
April 23, 2022
I inhaled this book. It was a quick read and full of helpful information on the four different temperaments. I read many sections out loud to my husband and we easily knew which were our temperaments and which was our son’s. Of course all three of us have different temperaments. 🤪 I am hopeful that I can start utilizing the language suggestions to help communicate with my son in a more effective way! I am encouraging my husband to read or at least skim through the relevant sections and would recommend this wholeheartedly! Who doesn’t want “every word you speak be a gift to the person you’re speaking to?”
October 9, 2023
I got to hear this author speak recently at a conference and she sparked an interest in me to learn more about the different temperaments for those individuals in my family: Every parent, teacher, coach, etc should read this book! It provides so much insight on how we are wired and how to communicate with those around us.
December 26, 2021
My daughter in law introduced this book to me and I thought that it sounded interesting. The first 6 chapters have a corresponding YouTube video that highlight 4 adults who each are classified as having one of the 4 temperaments. These adults give us examples of how they react to their own children. The author encourages we adults to use words that build a child’s confidence and to avoid damaging words. This book gives us the information to discover a child’s temperament, to learn their strengths and weaknesses and to change the way we adults communicate to children so that as the author says, “each word should be a gift”.
March 11, 2024
I don’t care if you live alone in the mountains with 17 cats…read.the.book!
Communication is so vital in life, but it falls short if we aren’t taking the time to communicate in a way that the other person understands. I’ve know this for a long time, but this book really put it in a way that opened my eyes a lot, especially with my kids. Literally everyone could benefit from this book and applying it to all of their relationships.
Communication is so vital in life, but it falls short if we aren’t taking the time to communicate in a way that the other person understands. I’ve know this for a long time, but this book really put it in a way that opened my eyes a lot, especially with my kids. Literally everyone could benefit from this book and applying it to all of their relationships.
October 1, 2023
This book is about gaining perspective and managing our expectations of others in order to foster stronger, healthier, and happier relationships. It should be mandatory reading for everyone.
While the information is geared towards parents, caregivers, teachers, and coaches, it is applicable to ALL relationships. I’ll be picking this book up again and again to review. I HIGHLY recommend.
While the information is geared towards parents, caregivers, teachers, and coaches, it is applicable to ALL relationships. I’ll be picking this book up again and again to review. I HIGHLY recommend.
January 19, 2023
Fantastic book! Really made me think about the words I use with my children, and how it may be affecting them. There were a lot of things I could easily put into action as well
October 16, 2023
Fantastic. A book which I will have to refer back to frequently while parenting.
December 28, 2025
My friend Kelsey recommended this framework to me as a way of understanding and relating to your kids better. This specific book is for children but the author has a book for adults too.
There are so many personality assessments out there. But it was really illuminating to see these 4 “colors” at work in people once you read this. I specifically was encouraged to see my son, whose personality can be quite different from mine, in a new, more charitable way. And I was able to see how MY color as his mom will influence the way I parent HIM as a child of his own color. It also gave practical phrasing for how to draw out the best in your child to speak life to them. Because one approach might work great with a yellow, but would be horrible for a blue.
Of course, we are all so much more than our color, enneagram, or Myers Briggs. But goodness, if we can see each other a little more clearly and get equipped to relate to each other graciously, how would it not be a positive thing?
There are so many personality assessments out there. But it was really illuminating to see these 4 “colors” at work in people once you read this. I specifically was encouraged to see my son, whose personality can be quite different from mine, in a new, more charitable way. And I was able to see how MY color as his mom will influence the way I parent HIM as a child of his own color. It also gave practical phrasing for how to draw out the best in your child to speak life to them. Because one approach might work great with a yellow, but would be horrible for a blue.
Of course, we are all so much more than our color, enneagram, or Myers Briggs. But goodness, if we can see each other a little more clearly and get equipped to relate to each other graciously, how would it not be a positive thing?
February 2, 2026
I AM A GREEN! Over the weekend, I attended a Kathleen Edelman presentation in the foster care world. This was my second time at one of her talks, and honestly, I didn’t realize until the drive down—listening to the pre-work—that this would be what we were learning about. My ADHD makes it really hard to focus sometimes and since I had already been to this presentation before I sat in my feelings with my brain overworking and the six-hour drive home gave my brain way too much time to process through all the reasons I don’t agree with what was being presented.
Years ago, when I first went to a similar conference, I didn’t think twice about the idea of “core personality traits” or labeling kids with colors. But now, as a very very new foster parent for the past year (currently in respite care), my perspective has completely changed. I’ve only had five kids in my home so far, but this experience, along with all the trauma training I’ve gone through, made me question everything the presenter said and I entered into research mode and became slightly obsessive
Here’s why I really struggle with the idea of fixed “core personality colors”:
1. Personality models that claim traits never change ignore trauma.
There are lots of personality tests out there, but very few, account for trauma or life experiences. Edelman’s system says each person has a core color that never changes, no matter what happens in life. But her training is in Christian counseling and communication, not neuroscience, child development, or trauma research. She’s an excellent coach and teacher, but her credibility comes from coaching and temperaments, not from peer-reviewed science and her videos are typical children examples appear without trauma.
2. Trauma changes who we are.
Modern science shows that personality is not fixed at birth. Temperament and personality is not the same. From my research science show that we are born with basic tendencies like our sensitivity level, how active we are or how strongly we react to things, but that they are shaped by our life experiences, can change with experience and education, therapy, trauma and medication. How we are raised and what we have experienced in life both good and bad can dictate how we change in life. Temperament isn’t destiny. The brain is highly adaptable, and life experiences, including trauma can change behavior, emotions, and even identity over time. Long-term adaptations to stress or abuse aren’t temporary “masks” they become part of who someone is. Here are more examples from my research. Trauma affects the amygdala, which controls threat detection, anxiety, and hypervigilance. The prefrontal cortex helps with impulse control and emotional regulation. The hippocampus, handles memory, sense of self, and identity. These brain areas directly influence the traits personality systems try to label, like emotional expression, trust, sociability, risk-taking, and withdrawal. Since trauma can change how these systems function how can personalities be fixed or unchanging? So in my mind that goes against Edelman’s claim that people have an unchanging core color. Her color based system is reflecting that a person born to a certain color decides everything about that person but from my understanding science does not support that. Trama can and does change behaviors in ways that becomes lasting traits If someone withdraws for years, avoids conflict automatically, loses trust, or organizes their life around safety, those aren’t temporary “masks”—they’re real traits that formed because of what they went through or are going through. Calling it masking misses how psychology defines traits, and it’s dangerous to assume everyone has a fixed core color that ignores lived experience.
• A child who starts out “yellow” with traits optimistic and outgoing and then has an abusive relationship or home environment. Trauma could make them withdrawn, guarded, or avoidant, which would be labeled “blue” in her system. That’s not masking; it’s survival.
• A naturally “red” child who is confident and assertive and then experience repeated neglect. They could become quiet, second guess themselves, or avoid conflict, and now they reflect “green” These are survival strategies, not temporary masks.
• A “green” child who is calm, thoughtful, cautious and then grows up in a chaotic household may become hypervigilant, emotionally reactive, or impulsive. By the time they reach school, their behavior may look very different from their early temperament. they adapted to survive.
• Even outgoing kids “yellow” facing long-term medical treatments or chronic illness might become anxious, reserved, or dependent on caregivers.
• A child with ADHD “yellow again” who is impulsive, energetic and extremely social without medication, but on medication they may become focused, tasked oriented, calmer, quieter, and more cautious. In a fixed color system, someone might say that they are now “blue” or “green”. This shows that outward behavior can change also due to mental health, trauma and even medication. Trapping them into a core unchanging color box being inaccurate. medication doesn’t fundamentally change personality but can alter behavioral expression of traits. Long term changes can’t be considered masks. It becomes who that person is.
• An adult “red” enters an emotionally controlling relationships. To stay safe, they might constantly seek approval, avoid expressing anger, or suppress opinions traits that could be labeled “blue” or “green.” Years of practice make these behaviors automatic
• A child or adult involved in a serious car accident may develop heightened anxiety, hypervigilance, or avoidance behaviors long after physical healing occurs. Someone who was previously confident, spontaneous, or risk-tolerant may become cautious, rigid, or preoccupied with safety. These changes are not temporary “masks” but adaptive traits formed through lived experience, shaped by a nervous system that learned the world can become dangerous without warning.
• The loss of a parent, sibling, or primary caregiver, especially in childhood can permanently alter how someone relates to others. A previously outgoing or emotionally expressive child may become reserved, guarded, or overly self-reliant. Traits like emotional restraint, people-pleasing, or fear of attachment can become core aspects of personality, not because of temperament, but because connection became associated with loss.
• Growing up with ongoing financial stress can shape traits such as hyper-responsibility, anxiety around spending, rigidity, or an intense need for control and predictability. A child may appear highly organized, cautious, or emotionally flat not because of an innate “Green” temperament, but because unpredictability trained them to prioritize safety and preparedness. These traits often persist into adulthood, even when financial stability improves.
• Children raised by a chronically ill or disabled parent often adopt caregiving roles early. This can result in traits like emotional suppression, heightened empathy, perfectionism, or avoidance of their own needs. Over time, these behaviors become ingrained aspects of identity. Labeling such a child with a fixed personality color risks missing how responsibility and vigilance were learned necessities, not innate traits.
• A child who witnesses a violent incident, accident, or medical emergency may develop increased reactivity, emotional numbing, or difficulty with trust. Even if they were not directly harmed, the brain encodes threat, reshaping emotional regulation and social engagement. These adaptations influence long-term personality traits such as withdrawal, irritability, or hyper-alertness.
• An adult who spends years caring for a child with medical needs or a dependent family member may shift from being expressive or spontaneous to emotionally restrained, task-oriented, or cautious. These changes are adaptive responses to sustained responsibility and stress. When practiced over years, they become stable traits, not temporary masks.
These examples show why trauma can reshape personality, making the idea of a fixed color both dangerous and inaccurate.
3. Ancient origins don’t make it scientifically valid.
Edelman’s color system is based on the ancient Four Temperaments, going back to Greek philosophy. The original model categorized humans into sanguine, choleric, melancholic, and phlegmatic temperaments, it is believed to be present at birth. Edelman translated them into the colors Yellow, Red, Blue, and Green to make it easy to understand and use in communication. But this system existed long before modern neuroscience or trauma science. It doesn’t account for how life experiences can and will reshape personality over time.
4. Trauma-informed approaches offer a safer framework.
Trauma-informed approaches, like Trust-Based Relational Intervention (TBRI), doesn’t try to restore a child to some “original personality” or take away survival adaptations. Instead, they focus on acknowledging that their experiences have shaped them in a way that necessitates an adjustment to caregiving to allow them to heal and thrive. That doesn’t mean they are going to return to who they were before. They grow beyond who they had to be to survive. Healing supports growth and integration, not restoring a fixed identity. trauma doesn’t just go away they are relearning how to live with it, growing beyond who they had to be to survive. Healing is about growth and integration, not restoring a fixed identity. Trauma changes how children respond to the world, and their behaviors are signals of unmet needs.
Edelman’s color system can be, in my opinion, helpful if you’re trying to understand a child in the moment. It’s unsafe to treat it as permanent, especially for children who’ve experienced trauma, mental illness or certain life experiences. Life experiences shape personality, and long-term trauma responses are not masks their rewired defaults. Treating children as if they have a fixed core color risks putting them in boxes, invalidating survival strategies, and ignoring what science shows about the brain and trauma.
Do you still think I am a green? I sat in a room this weekend with a ton of people with all this in my head and wondered why people weren’t thinking the same things or questioning the same things. What makes people blindly follow someone in parenting children without asking these questions, especially kids with trauma? I’ll end this with I am not an expert at all; this is just my strong opinion. I think adopting this at its basic level of meeting a kid at what color they are currently exhibiting is helpful as a parent and gives great tools for communication in the now but assuming they will always be that color is wrong.
Years ago, when I first went to a similar conference, I didn’t think twice about the idea of “core personality traits” or labeling kids with colors. But now, as a very very new foster parent for the past year (currently in respite care), my perspective has completely changed. I’ve only had five kids in my home so far, but this experience, along with all the trauma training I’ve gone through, made me question everything the presenter said and I entered into research mode and became slightly obsessive
Here’s why I really struggle with the idea of fixed “core personality colors”:
1. Personality models that claim traits never change ignore trauma.
There are lots of personality tests out there, but very few, account for trauma or life experiences. Edelman’s system says each person has a core color that never changes, no matter what happens in life. But her training is in Christian counseling and communication, not neuroscience, child development, or trauma research. She’s an excellent coach and teacher, but her credibility comes from coaching and temperaments, not from peer-reviewed science and her videos are typical children examples appear without trauma.
2. Trauma changes who we are.
Modern science shows that personality is not fixed at birth. Temperament and personality is not the same. From my research science show that we are born with basic tendencies like our sensitivity level, how active we are or how strongly we react to things, but that they are shaped by our life experiences, can change with experience and education, therapy, trauma and medication. How we are raised and what we have experienced in life both good and bad can dictate how we change in life. Temperament isn’t destiny. The brain is highly adaptable, and life experiences, including trauma can change behavior, emotions, and even identity over time. Long-term adaptations to stress or abuse aren’t temporary “masks” they become part of who someone is. Here are more examples from my research. Trauma affects the amygdala, which controls threat detection, anxiety, and hypervigilance. The prefrontal cortex helps with impulse control and emotional regulation. The hippocampus, handles memory, sense of self, and identity. These brain areas directly influence the traits personality systems try to label, like emotional expression, trust, sociability, risk-taking, and withdrawal. Since trauma can change how these systems function how can personalities be fixed or unchanging? So in my mind that goes against Edelman’s claim that people have an unchanging core color. Her color based system is reflecting that a person born to a certain color decides everything about that person but from my understanding science does not support that. Trama can and does change behaviors in ways that becomes lasting traits If someone withdraws for years, avoids conflict automatically, loses trust, or organizes their life around safety, those aren’t temporary “masks”—they’re real traits that formed because of what they went through or are going through. Calling it masking misses how psychology defines traits, and it’s dangerous to assume everyone has a fixed core color that ignores lived experience.
• A child who starts out “yellow” with traits optimistic and outgoing and then has an abusive relationship or home environment. Trauma could make them withdrawn, guarded, or avoidant, which would be labeled “blue” in her system. That’s not masking; it’s survival.
• A naturally “red” child who is confident and assertive and then experience repeated neglect. They could become quiet, second guess themselves, or avoid conflict, and now they reflect “green” These are survival strategies, not temporary masks.
• A “green” child who is calm, thoughtful, cautious and then grows up in a chaotic household may become hypervigilant, emotionally reactive, or impulsive. By the time they reach school, their behavior may look very different from their early temperament. they adapted to survive.
• Even outgoing kids “yellow” facing long-term medical treatments or chronic illness might become anxious, reserved, or dependent on caregivers.
• A child with ADHD “yellow again” who is impulsive, energetic and extremely social without medication, but on medication they may become focused, tasked oriented, calmer, quieter, and more cautious. In a fixed color system, someone might say that they are now “blue” or “green”. This shows that outward behavior can change also due to mental health, trauma and even medication. Trapping them into a core unchanging color box being inaccurate. medication doesn’t fundamentally change personality but can alter behavioral expression of traits. Long term changes can’t be considered masks. It becomes who that person is.
• An adult “red” enters an emotionally controlling relationships. To stay safe, they might constantly seek approval, avoid expressing anger, or suppress opinions traits that could be labeled “blue” or “green.” Years of practice make these behaviors automatic
• A child or adult involved in a serious car accident may develop heightened anxiety, hypervigilance, or avoidance behaviors long after physical healing occurs. Someone who was previously confident, spontaneous, or risk-tolerant may become cautious, rigid, or preoccupied with safety. These changes are not temporary “masks” but adaptive traits formed through lived experience, shaped by a nervous system that learned the world can become dangerous without warning.
• The loss of a parent, sibling, or primary caregiver, especially in childhood can permanently alter how someone relates to others. A previously outgoing or emotionally expressive child may become reserved, guarded, or overly self-reliant. Traits like emotional restraint, people-pleasing, or fear of attachment can become core aspects of personality, not because of temperament, but because connection became associated with loss.
• Growing up with ongoing financial stress can shape traits such as hyper-responsibility, anxiety around spending, rigidity, or an intense need for control and predictability. A child may appear highly organized, cautious, or emotionally flat not because of an innate “Green” temperament, but because unpredictability trained them to prioritize safety and preparedness. These traits often persist into adulthood, even when financial stability improves.
• Children raised by a chronically ill or disabled parent often adopt caregiving roles early. This can result in traits like emotional suppression, heightened empathy, perfectionism, or avoidance of their own needs. Over time, these behaviors become ingrained aspects of identity. Labeling such a child with a fixed personality color risks missing how responsibility and vigilance were learned necessities, not innate traits.
• A child who witnesses a violent incident, accident, or medical emergency may develop increased reactivity, emotional numbing, or difficulty with trust. Even if they were not directly harmed, the brain encodes threat, reshaping emotional regulation and social engagement. These adaptations influence long-term personality traits such as withdrawal, irritability, or hyper-alertness.
• An adult who spends years caring for a child with medical needs or a dependent family member may shift from being expressive or spontaneous to emotionally restrained, task-oriented, or cautious. These changes are adaptive responses to sustained responsibility and stress. When practiced over years, they become stable traits, not temporary masks.
These examples show why trauma can reshape personality, making the idea of a fixed color both dangerous and inaccurate.
3. Ancient origins don’t make it scientifically valid.
Edelman’s color system is based on the ancient Four Temperaments, going back to Greek philosophy. The original model categorized humans into sanguine, choleric, melancholic, and phlegmatic temperaments, it is believed to be present at birth. Edelman translated them into the colors Yellow, Red, Blue, and Green to make it easy to understand and use in communication. But this system existed long before modern neuroscience or trauma science. It doesn’t account for how life experiences can and will reshape personality over time.
4. Trauma-informed approaches offer a safer framework.
Trauma-informed approaches, like Trust-Based Relational Intervention (TBRI), doesn’t try to restore a child to some “original personality” or take away survival adaptations. Instead, they focus on acknowledging that their experiences have shaped them in a way that necessitates an adjustment to caregiving to allow them to heal and thrive. That doesn’t mean they are going to return to who they were before. They grow beyond who they had to be to survive. Healing supports growth and integration, not restoring a fixed identity. trauma doesn’t just go away they are relearning how to live with it, growing beyond who they had to be to survive. Healing is about growth and integration, not restoring a fixed identity. Trauma changes how children respond to the world, and their behaviors are signals of unmet needs.
Edelman’s color system can be, in my opinion, helpful if you’re trying to understand a child in the moment. It’s unsafe to treat it as permanent, especially for children who’ve experienced trauma, mental illness or certain life experiences. Life experiences shape personality, and long-term trauma responses are not masks their rewired defaults. Treating children as if they have a fixed core color risks putting them in boxes, invalidating survival strategies, and ignoring what science shows about the brain and trauma.
Do you still think I am a green? I sat in a room this weekend with a ton of people with all this in my head and wondered why people weren’t thinking the same things or questioning the same things. What makes people blindly follow someone in parenting children without asking these questions, especially kids with trauma? I’ll end this with I am not an expert at all; this is just my strong opinion. I think adopting this at its basic level of meeting a kid at what color they are currently exhibiting is helpful as a parent and gives great tools for communication in the now but assuming they will always be that color is wrong.
February 9, 2023
Great resource in addition to the free videos she has on YouTube. However, I do think the book is essential. We tried just watching the videos, and completely misread our child’s temperament and didn’t realize it until we read the book. We found this extremely beneficial for understanding our kids’ temperaments, recognizing their innate needs, and starting a conversation for how we need to adjust as parents. The only reason I don’t think this deserves five stars is because the approach and verbiage she encourages you to use with your kids seems unrealistic for families with more than two kids. We felt her methods gave the child too much reign over our parental decision making. But the knowledge has helped us to make our own adjustments and assess our children’s needs through our own prayer and discussion.
May 28, 2025
An easy to read book. Really well laid out and organized. Divides people into extroverted vs introverted and people oriented vs task oriented. A really good book if you want specific “here, say this” sort of thing.
Overall nothing really new to me. My favorite parenting book is still “how to talk so little kids will listen”.
In general, parenting books are about the parents; how to talks a step back, evaluate our own expectations, really see our kids for who they are and help them be their best self.
Yellow, Red, Blue, Green
Overall nothing really new to me. My favorite parenting book is still “how to talk so little kids will listen”.
In general, parenting books are about the parents; how to talks a step back, evaluate our own expectations, really see our kids for who they are and help them be their best self.
Yellow, Red, Blue, Green
July 16, 2022
Interesting exploration of temperament. Liked the accompanying videos. Helped me understand and know how to respond best to my granddaughters.
May 16, 2023
I definitely can see my kids as well as my response in this book, I'm hoping some of the sensors will help me tailor my parenting methods for my two very different go girls.
June 19, 2023
If you are a fan of the temperaments, then this is for you. I am interested in using some of these strategies for making my house more peaceful.
January 10, 2024
excellent. Loved the QR codes throughout. I listened to this author as a speaker and it really got me turned on to what this book is about and how to apply it to my parenting.
October 4, 2022
I loved this book! I would like to gift it to all parents on their child's 5th birthday (anything earlier than that may be irrelevant in my opinion).
The concept of the four temperaments have been around for hundreds of years, but I've never read it in such a simple, visual way. It has long lists of descriptions to help you identify your child's naturally-given temperament, and then what words to say to bless, rather than harm, that child.
It helped me identify why one of my children and I seem to butt heads constantly. I'm red -choleric, and she's blue-melancholic. I'm all about order, control, task-oriented, while she's introspective, and feels everything. It was quite eye-opening. You'll find yourself saying, "Yes! That is my child!" or "Yep. Exactly me! Now, I get it!!" If you want to improve the communication with your child, and find what motivates (and also what breaks their spirit), then read it.
It's a fun, easy read, and has QR codes with links to very relevant videos. I highly recommend!
For those concerned, this is NOT a religious-based book.
The concept of the four temperaments have been around for hundreds of years, but I've never read it in such a simple, visual way. It has long lists of descriptions to help you identify your child's naturally-given temperament, and then what words to say to bless, rather than harm, that child.
It helped me identify why one of my children and I seem to butt heads constantly. I'm red -choleric, and she's blue-melancholic. I'm all about order, control, task-oriented, while she's introspective, and feels everything. It was quite eye-opening. You'll find yourself saying, "Yes! That is my child!" or "Yep. Exactly me! Now, I get it!!" If you want to improve the communication with your child, and find what motivates (and also what breaks their spirit), then read it.
It's a fun, easy read, and has QR codes with links to very relevant videos. I highly recommend!
For those concerned, this is NOT a religious-based book.
August 19, 2023
I loved this book! And read several bits aloud to my husband and to my kids. Super helpful information as we navigate life together in relationship with each other. I by no means live by these types of books but rather feel like it could be another tool in my toolkit as I navigate differences and various strengths and weaknesses. Love just thinking about how who I am impacts the way I parent my kids and how I create and cultivate relationships with them. ❤️
November 10, 2024
Interesting take on parenting. While it brings a new perspective, I hope parents use pieces of this that might fit their lifestyles. The interviews with parents speaking were a nice element.
Displaying 1 - 20 of 20 reviews