Seven Desires: Looking Past What Separates Us to Learn What Connects Us

by Mark R. Laaser, Debra Laaser

A deeper probe into relationships starts with our hearts desires

At last, a relationship book that looks past what separates us to examine what connects us!

Dr. Mark and Debra Laaser go to the heart of the matter. Instead of focusing on how to sidestep or compensate for perceived differences, they dig deeper, to the core of our souls, to examine how the basic desires and needs of all people make us more alike than different.

The Seven Desires of Every Heart explores the common desires God gives youto be heard, affirmed, blessed, safe, touched, chosen, and included. Using stories, Biblical references, and sound psychological principles, the Laasers explain each desire and show us how we seek it and what it feels like to have it truly fulfilled. You also will learn healthy ways to embody these desires in your relationships. You will be given the tools you need to start repairing and rebuilding relationships and developing new skills for creating emotional and spiritual intimacy.

Genres: Marriage, Nonfiction, Psychology, Christian, Spirituality

219 pages, Kindle Edition

First published October 1, 2008

About the author

Mark is the President and Director of Faithful & True and the host of The Men of Valor Program, Faithful & True's online radio show. Dr. Laaser is nationally recognized as the leading authority in the field of sexual addiction with over 27 years of recovery experience. Mark has written a dozen books on the subject of sexual addiction, including his groundbreaking book, Healing The Wounds of Sexual Addiction, and his 3-book Men of Valor series. Dr. Laaser lectures around the world and teaches at colleges, universities, religious organizations and treatment centers. He holds a Ph.D. from the University of Iowa and a Divinity Degree from Princeton Theological Seminary.

Reviews

[Ariele · Rating 3 out of 5]

I think this is a great book geared for the average person. They gave many examples of the basic desires and what occurs if they desires aren't met. I felt like 75% of the book described all the types of hurts and wounds caused by not getting all seven desires met as a child and how it can impact future relationships. However, if you are a professional in the mental health field, you will find this book basic, a little redundant, and missing practical ways to "rely" on God to meet the seven desires of your heart.

[Cara Putman · Rating 4 out of 5]

Such a practical book. Filled with applications and hope.

[Wintermote · Rating 4 out of 5]

I think this is worth reading again and processing with others/discussing.

[Blake Bayer · Rating 5 out of 5]

It’s as if I just read a letter from my grandparents, full of wisdom and love and truth.

The closing paragraph:
“Reading a book like this is never an end in itself. If all you ever do is read books, your life will not be transformed. We hope that reading this book has inspired you to think about how God has empowered you to live a different, more fulfilling life – regardless of your circumstances or relationships. We pray that you will embrace the truth about who you are: that you are fearfully and wonderfully made, a beloved child of God, a unique treasure who is worthy to be valued. From this truthful place, may you be able to let go of the many unhealthy ways you’ve coped to comfort yourself. Instead of trusting life or others to provide the desires of your heart, you will turn to the only one who can – God.”

[Lea Ann Cornman · Rating 5 out of 5]

Loved, loved, loved this book! I learned so much about myself. If I could give it 10 stars I would, I think it’s the best self help book I’ve ever read. I will say it is really heavy on Christianity and that’s ok with me, I’m a spiritual person. However, if you aren’t, I still think you can gain a lot from the book. You learn a lot about how past experiences shape you and how they affect your relationships. I also have been able to see how other important people in my life have been armed as well in their past. In order to heal, you must look to yourself at the very least.

[Amber Parker · Rating 5 out of 5]

After an entire year of saying I was going to read this book, knowing it would rock my way of thinking, I have completed it & man was I right. This book points you to God on every page and challenges you to handle the seven desires of EVERY human heart in a Godly way with biblical and practical methods. As a wife, mom, daughter, friend, Christian I am filled with hope that keeping a healthy life is possible from the inside out. SO good & SO important as a relational adult to see how childhoods matter and how relationships matter, even the small ones!

[Jon Woods · Rating 4 out of 5]

Seven Desires was a great read. Some of the chapters and segments are fairly familiar if you've picked up any book on personal development, and mental health (There is the iceberg model as a chapter for example). There are very good nuggets of wisdom, and insight, while the examples give a bit of empathy to help ground experiences with others. I recommend this book to anyone who's finding themselves in a bit of a emotional cycle not in their relationships, but also within.

[Nicki · Rating 3 out of 5]

There were a few points that I found helpful. A lot of the book seemed like common sense to me. There were some Bible verses used to try to emphasize their points, but many of them were out of context and left me wondering their motivation for including them. For people with childhood trauma or abandonment this book would probably be very helpful.

[Sarita · Rating 5 out of 5]

One of the best books I've ever read about relationships that integrates a biblical perspective. I wish more books like this were more popular and regularly recommended in Christian circles than a lot of other well-intentioned books containing toxic ideas that have unfortunately been circulating for years.

[Joseph · Rating 4 out of 5]

A bit reductionist to claim that there are only seven desires, but nonetheless helpful. The model to process pain and examine ourselves should work. I like the book because it is empowering for those who are wounded and in pain.

[Lauren Pennington · Rating 4 out of 5]

good content! sometimes with Christian content i can get weary of how they talk about trauma and mental health, but this book had a lot of research and real life examples that were really well put. would def recommend to those with past trauma of any kind or people in a relationship. good soup!!!

[Sue · Rating 4 out of 5]

Lots of food for thought. I tried to read it slowly, one chapter in a sitting so I could absorb it better. I plan to read it again with someone so we can discuss. Reminds me of Gary Smalley’s Love Languages.

[Rosemary Crescitelli · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was the first step in my healing and renewing of my marriage. I cannot recommend it highly enough. It helps you better understand yourself first, and then others.

[Blake Moore · Rating 5 out of 5]

Recommend - great read for small groups

[Manatee]

Problems can be stepping stones to solutions instead of allowing them to become stumbling blocks in our lives. Triggers can be transformed into God-given anointings if we applied them wisely.

[Ronnie · Rating 3 out of 5]

Basic framework for dealing with emotions, feelings, past events and points to God. Little broad but if open helpful.

[Reagan Barlow · Rating 5 out of 5]

Incredible read. It is practical and explains ideas very clearly. I’m looking at life and relationships differently after reading.

[Thomas Mathew]

Great book.

[Nile · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book helped me look at the cause behind the problem, stating that the problem is never really the problem, but only a manifestation of a real problem that is expressing itself. They lay out a list of desires that they claim are universal to every person, man or woman, regardless of race, culture, or age.
The Seven Desires of Every Heart:
1. To be heard and understood
2. To be affirmed
3. To be blessed
4. To be safe
5. To be touched
6. To be chosen
7. To be included

pg. 94 “As many people grow up, they are encouraged to get rid of the “uncomfortable” feelings in life and to try and live only with the comfortable ones. Thus, we learn to minimize, deny, or cover up feelings like sorrow and frustration. Denial really amounts to isolating or numbing parts of our hearts. [...] In time, you can begin to lose touch with even knowing yourself because you have become and expert at allowing only certain parts of yourself to be expressed. Image management becomes the goal. [...] By training the heart to feel and share emotions, we will eventually learn empathy.”

When we experience pain due to one of the desires not being met, we can either seek to get it met in the proper context, or we can cope with the pain; individually (withdrawing, entertainment, alcohol, criticizing others, working, exercising, reading, etc.) or relationally (placating, blaming, being irrelevant, super-reasonable).

pg. 141 Triggers are like beacons of light that expose our pain. [...] When we are “anointed” by a stimulus that opens up a wounded place, we can then begin to understand it, heal from it, and make changes.”
I need to look for reactions that I have that are disproportionate to the stimulus. The same night that I read this, I overreacted to my wife and used it as an opportunity to focus my attention on what caused me to react so strongly and investigate for wounds that needed attention.

pg. 184 “Empathy is the act of identifying with another person’s feelings. How can you empathize if you have never identified your own feelings? Some people expect to be empathetic before they have done the work of understanding their own story and their own feelings.”

[Angelise Schrader · Rating 2 out of 5]

Great premise, but the book lacks helpful tools to dig into the topic itself and bring solutions for change to the forefront. There is a lot of defining what are core desires are that motivate us, as well as multiple explanations and examples for how people cope when these desires are not met. But I am almost 2/3 done and the book has sadly been lacking in giving helpful answers to the many revelations it is revealing. This has been quite dissatisfying. It feels like the book creates more problems by exposing places of lack than providing solutions for bringing closure.

[Edie · Rating 3 out of 5]

At first I wasn't too impressed with this book. I found it didn't offer any earth shattering revelations. Though I wasn't expecting it to. But it still was insightful, and God used it in my life to reveal things to me. In fact, the authors mention that on the last page... that this book or any book isn't going to bring healing or understanding. It comes from going to God and His working in our lives. Seems like a good basic book to understanding the needs of every human though.

[Nate · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is deceptively simple. It is easy to read, and at first doesn't seem too ground-breaking. However, its concepts, when applied, especially in the context of a small group, allow for very productive and insightful revelations into how we relate to others based on family background, values, personality types, etc. It digs deep very succinctly.

Lots of concepts in here from 12-step recovery. Great book.

[Stephen long · Rating 3 out of 5]

Re read this book with a group of guys and it was really good to be able to talk about the things we read about. Not a super in-depth book but a really good beginning into looking at your life and understanding it.