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Gaslighting: A Step-by-Step Recovery Guide to Heal from Emotional Abuse and Build Healthy Relationships
An evidence-based guide to recovering from gaslighting
Gaslighting is a targeted form of manipulation, deception, and control that makes you doubt your own perceptions and memories. Whether you’ve experienced gaslighting or emotional abuse from someone in your life—or you think you might have—Gaslighting gives you the tools to recognize it and the steps to begin healing.
The truth about gaslighting—Find clear definitions of exactly what gaslighting is, how gaslighters operate, and safe ways to manage and avoid them.
Proven techniques—Use strategies from methods like mindfulness and acceptance and commitment therapy to set boundaries, reclaim your sense of self, and build healthier relationships.
Realistic examples—Read anecdotes about people who’ve experienced different types of gaslighting to help you see what it looks like and understand that it isn’t your fault.
Written exercises—Find insightful questions and thoughtful prompts to help you identify examples of emotional abuse within your life and process your feelings.
Reclaim your independence after gaslighting with this guide to understanding how it works and taking steps toward breaking free.
Gaslighting is a targeted form of manipulation, deception, and control that makes you doubt your own perceptions and memories. Whether you’ve experienced gaslighting or emotional abuse from someone in your life—or you think you might have—Gaslighting gives you the tools to recognize it and the steps to begin healing.
The truth about gaslighting—Find clear definitions of exactly what gaslighting is, how gaslighters operate, and safe ways to manage and avoid them.
Proven techniques—Use strategies from methods like mindfulness and acceptance and commitment therapy to set boundaries, reclaim your sense of self, and build healthier relationships.
Realistic examples—Read anecdotes about people who’ve experienced different types of gaslighting to help you see what it looks like and understand that it isn’t your fault.
Written exercises—Find insightful questions and thoughtful prompts to help you identify examples of emotional abuse within your life and process your feelings.
Reclaim your independence after gaslighting with this guide to understanding how it works and taking steps toward breaking free.
- GenresRelationshipsPsychology
168 pages, Paperback
Published May 4, 2021
152 people are currently reading
139 people want to read
About the author
Deborah Vinall
5 books5 followersDeborah Vinall is a Doctor of Psychology, a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, and a certified EMDR and Brainspotting practitioner. She specializes in helping individuals heal from traumatic life experiences and painful relationship dynamics. Deborah has spoken as a subject matter expert on human trafficking and domestic violence at colleges and non-profits across Southern California. She was awarded the Sandra Wilson Memorial Grant from the EMDR Research Foundation for her research on the impacts and treatment response of survivors of mass shootings across the USA. Born and raised in Kelowna, Canada, Deborah presently lives in Southern California with her husband and son.
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Displaying 1 - 12 of 12 reviews
March 8, 2024
The year was 1944. Ingrid Bergman starred in a movie about a wealthy woman who began to experience unusual occurrences in her everyday life. A piece of jewelry disappeared. A picture she remembered hanging on her wall was suddenly no longer there. The footsteps she heard in the attic overhead were said to be products of her imagination. The lamps in her home, which ran on gas, dimmed and brightened inexplicably. Her husband countered her claims with the concern that she had developed kleptomania, that she was exhibiting signs of mental anguish, and suggested she withdraw from socializing in order to calm her nerves. Far from reassuring her, this led her to fear she was going insane. The film was called Gaslight, and the role earned Bergman an Academy Award.
The manipulation this drama made obvious and overt is, in reality, much more subversive. Many have heard the story of the man who accuses his wife of dressing too provocatively, of flirting outrageously, of attempting to seduce friends and strangers alike when, in fact, he's the one who has begun an affair. Or the boss, perhaps, who bullies a staff member "for his own good," criticizes every aspect of his work under the guise of fostering his improvement, and then swoops in to take full credit for the successful completion of his projects. Or the parent who consistently seeks to hide her mistakes by claiming the child misunderstood, is making things up, or doesn't pay sufficient attention. Gaslighting, as it is termed today, attacks the trust you have in yourself; your senses, your identity, your view of the world. Its aim is to throw you off balance, to lead you to question your behavior; to doubt. These attacks are effective precisely because they are often employed by someone who is important to you - someone who not only deserves your trust but seems to demand it on many occasions. This is the realm of those afflicted with varying degrees of personality disorder, and sometimes the damage they do requires a period of recovery.
Dr. Deborah Vinall is a marriage and family therapist who has tackled this type of dynamic for over fifteen years. Her book defines gaslighting, illustrates it as a tactic, and offers guidance through exercise and technique to reclaim that trust in oneself. There's a lot of concrete assistance here - and solace, too, for the grief each survivor is destined to suffer as healing begins to take hold. An image that really struck me was Dr. Vinall's description of recovery as a spiral staircase. We confront the pain again and again, but we must remember we are ascending. Hopeful, I thought. And accurate.
The manipulation this drama made obvious and overt is, in reality, much more subversive. Many have heard the story of the man who accuses his wife of dressing too provocatively, of flirting outrageously, of attempting to seduce friends and strangers alike when, in fact, he's the one who has begun an affair. Or the boss, perhaps, who bullies a staff member "for his own good," criticizes every aspect of his work under the guise of fostering his improvement, and then swoops in to take full credit for the successful completion of his projects. Or the parent who consistently seeks to hide her mistakes by claiming the child misunderstood, is making things up, or doesn't pay sufficient attention. Gaslighting, as it is termed today, attacks the trust you have in yourself; your senses, your identity, your view of the world. Its aim is to throw you off balance, to lead you to question your behavior; to doubt. These attacks are effective precisely because they are often employed by someone who is important to you - someone who not only deserves your trust but seems to demand it on many occasions. This is the realm of those afflicted with varying degrees of personality disorder, and sometimes the damage they do requires a period of recovery.
Dr. Deborah Vinall is a marriage and family therapist who has tackled this type of dynamic for over fifteen years. Her book defines gaslighting, illustrates it as a tactic, and offers guidance through exercise and technique to reclaim that trust in oneself. There's a lot of concrete assistance here - and solace, too, for the grief each survivor is destined to suffer as healing begins to take hold. An image that really struck me was Dr. Vinall's description of recovery as a spiral staircase. We confront the pain again and again, but we must remember we are ascending. Hopeful, I thought. And accurate.
May 28, 2021
I loved this book. Vinall's writing is clear and direct. I appreciate the way she incorporates the whole body in her approach. She gives practical advice and specific exercises for healing.
July 6, 2022
Deborah Vinall offers some good stories. However, a lot of poor advice for dealing with gaslighters. I've learned from both persoanl experience and surviving gaslighters. It is tremendously unproductive to be direct with a gaslighter. This only gives the gaslighter ammunition to repeat the same behaviors while upgrading their manipulative devices, usually with you!
Gaslighters are not good listeners. The only opinion that matters is their own. They have an insatiable appetite for tricking people. They will simply move on to the next person - albeit she/he is a willing participant or not. My advice. Don't walk away...run. Limit conversations and interactions if it is a family member or coworker. You will notice that the gaslighter will acknowledge the distance. Do not give an explanation. Ask her/him to explain. Listen. Simply say, "I hate you interpret things that way." Do not change your stance. They will eventually move on. As soon as the opportunity presents itself, expose the gaslighter in the presence of someone else. Go forth and be happy!
Gaslighters are not good listeners. The only opinion that matters is their own. They have an insatiable appetite for tricking people. They will simply move on to the next person - albeit she/he is a willing participant or not. My advice. Don't walk away...run. Limit conversations and interactions if it is a family member or coworker. You will notice that the gaslighter will acknowledge the distance. Do not give an explanation. Ask her/him to explain. Listen. Simply say, "I hate you interpret things that way." Do not change your stance. They will eventually move on. As soon as the opportunity presents itself, expose the gaslighter in the presence of someone else. Go forth and be happy!
April 18, 2022
A short and solid book on gaslighting. The diagnostics were clear and precise. More importantly, the strategies to move out of this situation were well considered. Yes, there was a little bit too much 'self care' in this book for my liking. But it is a tough book to manage a tough situation.
December 2, 2022
Insightful, clear, and concise. What more can you ask of a book about being gaslit 🙃
April 27, 2021
I was fortunate enough to be provided an advanced copy of “Break Free from Gaslighting”. As I read through the book, in particular the step-by-step recovery guide to heal from emotional abuse, I was struck by Dr. Vinall’s ability to combine clinical expertise with clear and concise steps to heal from abusive relationships.
This book offers clear definitions, examples, and most of all multiple exercises. Because of its practical and clear approach, this book a must read for anyone who is navigating the road to recovery from emotional abuse and is looking to develop healthy boundaries in relationships. I will certainly incorporate some of these exercises in my work with clients as a mental health therapist.
This book offers clear definitions, examples, and most of all multiple exercises. Because of its practical and clear approach, this book a must read for anyone who is navigating the road to recovery from emotional abuse and is looking to develop healthy boundaries in relationships. I will certainly incorporate some of these exercises in my work with clients as a mental health therapist.
June 14, 2021
As some who was totally gaslighted my entire childhood, I can confidently say this book was enlightening and eye opening. I 100% recommend reading it if you want to understand someone who is recovering from being gaslighted or if you yourself were or if you simply just want to be educated. The author writes in such a graceful and compassionate way, both teaching and educating the read. I’ve been healing from my past and my childhood for at least 5 years and this book is definitely going in my box of tools and I can’t wait to show it and introduce it to others that may benefit. Thanks for putting this book out in the world!
October 12, 2022
Felt prompted to go watch the 1940s movie Gaslight from which this book gets its name and we get our English vernacular word of “gaslighting.” I’d never truly understood what that concept was but the movie & book explained it well. I liked the book’s pragmatic approach and easily understood scenarios. Am recommending this book to several friends.
February 10, 2022
Extremely interesting and helpful in terms of providing an expansive definition of gaslighting and furthermore helpful techniques to thwart gaslighting attempts moving forward. For some I imagine this book would be life-changing.
July 31, 2021
Great resource book for me while I am teaching "counseling" techniques. It has many good examples and steps of "how to" handle it when someone close to you is a gaslighter
December 23, 2021
Amazing book! Will refer to it over and over. Great excercises as well.
February 9, 2023
I think that blaming the other person without admitting guilt makes nonsense and is a form of gaslighting and the author says you should look for others to admit guilt with no mention of their actions. It is better to go to a person and say when you do x this makes me feel y. Instead of blaming people and putting 100% of the blame on someone else as the person will become defensive.
Displaying 1 - 12 of 12 reviews