Losing Control and Liking It: How to Set Your Teen (and Yourself) Free

by Tim Sanford

Parents of teens―especially Christian ones―know only too well that many sons and daughters abandon the “straight and narrow” when they hit adulthood. The pressure on these parents to make their kids turn out right is enormous. Sometimes this pressure can lead parents to think they have to control their kids. Losing Control and Liking It offers parents relief of a burden they were never meant to carry and will help build family relationships based on validation and nurturing instead of control.

Genres: Christian, Nonfiction, Self Help, Parenting, Teen, Childrens

192 pages, Paperback

First published December 22, 2008

Reviews

[Go2therock · Rating 4 out of 5]

Overall, this book was really helpful to me as I'm attempting to step away and allow some of my children the freedom to make their own mistakes. His three rules are golden. Not sure if anyone else has put these out there, so here they are:

1) You live and die by your own choices.
2) You can choose smart or stupid.
3) There's always somebody or something whose job is to make your life miserable if you choose stupid.

Whew! Big exhalation of breath as I stepped away from my kids over and over, watching to see which they would choose, knowing that I would oftentimes be that 'someone' whose job it was to take on #3.

Since finishing this book, I've found myself tempted to grab things when I really need to just fold my hands and let my child(ren) handle their own stuff. It's a scary world out there and I want so much to protect my kids from harm. But at a certain point, that's not my job. It's their choice, and my role as their prayer warrior grows proportionally.

I appreciated the chapter on Intervention: When You Have To Step In. Far too often, parents feel at a loss as to where to go when things get really crazy. This was a helpful list.

Remember, your kids have as much right to #2 as anyone. Even Adam and Eve chose stupid. In an odd sort of way, that's a comfort.

[Angela · Rating 4 out of 5]

Great book! It was a quick and simple read. I appreciated the moral and Biblical foundation. My take aways:

A dad's primary responsibility is to validate every one of his children-to let him/her know over and over, through words and actions, that they exist, they matter, they are good enough.

A mom's primary responsibility is to nurture-going beyond the "maintenance person" and enabling her children to develop fully by pouring life into them. She models joy and passion-filling them up with aliveness. She plays with them, entering her child's world to see things from his or her perspective. She provides empathetic understanding from a position of strength and support. Seek to know your children as individuals, different as they might be, and bring out the best in each. You can demonstrate by example how to explore life with zest and express the unique gifts God provides each of us. Your nurturing can blossom in emotional and spiritual growth.

Mom and Dad do NOT have the job of making sure their kids turn out right. They have their agency.

"Three Rules of life"
1. You live and die by your own choices
2. You can choose smart or stupid (you don't get to choose which actions and behaviors go on the list-natural consequences like the law of gravity or God's Word)
3. There is always somebody or something whose job is to make your life miserable when you choose stupid

Each situation has things that you can legitimately take responsibility for and not take responsibility for.

HOLD the situations where you take ownership of your own part. Be honest, responsible, truthful, trustworthy, accept results of your actions

FOLD the situations that you can't control-mind your own business, be honest about who owns which part of the problem, let consequences fall where they may

Three habits of highly controlling people
1. Perfectionistic thinking-"...should have..."
Using the words "Should have..." condemns, takes away other choices as there is only one right way things "should have" been done and takes away satisfaction for a job well done.

Solution: Replace "have to" and "should" with "could..., would..., like..., I wish..., I choose..."

2. "What if" thinking-when we live in the future and focus on what might happen we are not really in control, no amount of worrying justifies attempts to snatch control that isn't ours or makes us more 'ready' for the future

Solution: Focus on observing what is happening around you here and now. Engage your senses.

3. Living in the past-don't try to live vicariously through your children

RULES
The purpose of rules is to keep safety in and chaos out.

Parents can exert influence over their children without establishing a bunch of rules. They can give advice and suggestions.

Rule: Be in bed by 10PM. The consequence of breaking rule is losing allowance for the week
Advice: Be in bed by 10pm, or you'll be too tired to do well on your test tomorrow.
Suggestion: Did you know it's already 10:00? You might want to go to bed before it gets any later.

7 Principles of Writing Rules
1. Have as few rules as possible
2. Make the rules specific and quantitative
3. Make sure that you can enforce the rule
4. As yourself, "Is this a hill worth dying on?"
5. Be sure your motive-your reason for this rule-is a good one-violating advice is not a good reason to mete out consequences
6. Realize that some rules will morph into advice as your teenager gets older
7. Remember that rules need to be reviewed, updated, and sometimes even dumped.

Mercy and Grace-you can extend mercy to your child when you can tell that your child "gets it" that she really internalizes the lesson learned form her poor choice and is willing to accept her consequence.

Rules about Respect
Disrespect is:
-physical violence, or threats of same
-physical posturing, bullying
-destruction of property, or threats thereof
-cursing at someone
-name-calling
-condemnations "I hate you"

Rules should address disrespectful ACTIONS, keeping safety in and chaos out. Advice, teaching, and mentoring address disrespectful ATTITUDES.

Anger comes from Hurt and Worry

[Sally · Rating 3 out of 5]

What I liked about this book: the reminder that it is not up to me to make sure my children turn out 'okay'. The chart that neatly summarized the styles of interaction between parents and teens: folded hands, not taking responsibility for someone else's problems; closed hand, holding on to one's own responsibility; flinging hand, trying to toss one's problems on to someone else; and the grabbing hand, trying to take over what is not theirs to control. I liked his comments about the futility of worry and the role of free will.

What I didn't like was the way he didn't address attitudes. Thanks be to God, I'm not dealing with kids who are acting out in bad ways or doing horrible things, as in the examples he gave, but I would like to have some answers on what to do when their attitudes are disrespectful or sullen! I suppose I can be grateful that I'm not dealing with worse things, and just focus on what I can apply in my own situation.

[Alfie Mosse · Rating 4 out of 5]

I didn’t full agree with everything and maybe even disagreed with a premise or two, but his practical application, writing style, examples and nuanced conclusions were very refreshing. In my view, the greatest value in the book (one of many) is his fourfold relating styles – holders, folders, tossers and catchers. I presented it well and yet was clear that these were not absolute categories and you can even switch between them. His approach encouraged a lot of introspection. Actually, one premise I don’t agree with is that these concepts are for relating exclusively with teens. I see his concepts as valid and useful for all relationships.

[Debbie Babb · Rating 5 out of 5]

Short simple read about healthy boundaries. Whole book is geared towards parents of teens, the concepts are applicable to all relationships. Love the illustration of Hold-ers, Fold-ers, Toss-ers and Grab-bers in his illustration of identifying what’s yours vs what’s not yours to “control.” I’ve used this illustration many times with the clients I work with as boundaries (or lack thereof) is typically the central theme.

[Donna Pincince · Rating 4 out of 5]

An easy to read book that was a good reminder about how parenting shifts in the teen years. The author gives lots of practical examples to help identify how parents can adjust to the changes. Simple concepts but not always easy to implement!

[Courtney Harp · Rating 3 out of 5]

There were some helpful takeaways and overall a good book. I struggled to finish but that is likely because it's summer and we are not in the middle of schoolwork, activities, etc. I will keep this book as a reference and likely need to refer back to it for reminders.

[Kay Levesque · Rating 4 out of 5]

Several helpful pieces of information. Really appreciated the grab, toss, hold, fold perspective as I work to become more of a "folder" as I parent my teens.

[Amanda · Rating 5 out of 5]

One of the best parenting books I've ever read.

[Cathy · Rating 4 out of 5]

I bought this book about parenting teens, knowing I'd have one in a couple of months, but I read it wondering whether or not to allow giving up an enjoyable activity with undesirable components. I'd rather the near-teen put up with the minor negatives to enjoy the good. I didn't really find an answer to that specific question, which is essentially when and how much to relinquish control, little by little.

This book is mostly about parenting teens with some serious problems, but does talk about keeping relationships healthy. The 3 Rules of Life may apply, but this child does not tend to do the "stupid" things of Rule 2, but is honestly trying to do the best possible. In fact, to think of things in terms of "stupid" or "smart" may be offensive. For most of these situations, it may be wiser for us to think of them as "good" or "better" or "best."

The four interpersonal styles were interesting - HOLD, GRAB, TOSS, and FOLD. Mostly, we fall into the hold and fold categories - the healthy one - but if I don't think the near-teen's HOLDing very wisely, then it does become HOLD and GRAB. This book made me keep thinking of my Aunt Cynthia's question for her own teens, as well as me during my teen years, "What are YOU going to do about it?" putting the responsibility for the problem on the right person.

In our family, the statement is generally (to the child), "It is/was YOUR job to ..." remember your lunch or study for your test, or talk to your teacher or whatever. If possible, these things are said with an empathetic hug or shoulder pat, but at least eye contact in order to try to make them still feel loved.

The 3 Habits of Highly Controlling People is a section that we may need to work on. The 3rd - correcting wrongs of our own childhood, doesn't really seem to apply. The 2nd, worrying, I have a different solution for, which I use when I think of it. I honestly think that the author's solution would only annoy me. There have been times, when frustrated or worried, that it's been good to sit still and listen to my own heartbeat, and to realize that it's not so bad, that I'm still alive. That may be the sort of thing the author is tending toward with his in-the-moment type of thinking.

But, I prefer to pray and release whatever I'm worrying about - even if I have to do it multiple times, even multiple times a day. Then, I "listen" in my daily Bible readings to see if there's any part I have in minimizing whatever it is that I'm worrying about. God is good to "talk" us through our problems like that, or give us hope in the middle of them.

The first habit, "Should" thinking, I have a theological issue with. The wisdom books of the Bible are written in "want-to" format, telling us the good things that happen when we choose wisely. But, there are some definite rules like the 10 Commandments, which are worded even stronger than "should." The danger Tim Standford lists for the "should" statements is condemnation. Well, that's true. Breaking the 10 Commandments brings real condemnation from God Himself, but Jesus offers real forgiveness and peace. The condemnation doesn't have to be a long-lasting state, but a momentary one, when peace with God is sought.

Just as importantly, we should be eager to forgive our teens and to restore relationship. I like the author's thoughts on when to extend mercy for a grievance. He says, "I extend mercy when I see in my daughter's eyes that she 'gets it', that she really internalizes the losses learned from her poor choice. I extend mercy when I see that applying the consequence - which she seems willing to accept - won't help her 'get it' any more than she's already 'gotten it.'" I also liked the quote, "Don't let anger make you disrespectful toward anyone - others or yourself." Of the healthy-anger choices, I tend to journal, exercise, and try to talk through a solution - even if it means I have to step away for a moment. Oftentimes, I pray about coming up with a solution. And, the author is right. Hurt plus worry does often equal anger.

[Hope · Rating 3 out of 5]

Tim Sanford’s book, Losing Control and Liking It, is written for a very small audience: parents of older teens who are having a hard time letting them go.

When we home schooled years ago I read many books that implied that with the right tools I could turn out children who were “practically perfect in every way”. Well, guess what? We did everything the books said and our kids still disappoint us at times (and we still love them when they do.) But what a relief to read Sanford’s book which states that my job as a parent is not to turn out perfect kids who make perfect choices. In fact, Sanford writes that a parent’s main job is to (1) validate and (2) nurture his children. By giving the child a firm foundation of knowing he is noticed, loved and enjoyed, the parent can teach (by words or modeling) how to make wise choices. As a child grows into an adult the parent should be making less and less decisions for him. If he’s done his job of nurturing, validating and teaching, he is able to release the reins of parental control. “Your teen is moving away from your hands-on guidance to your hands-off availability.” (p.38) Sanford says that although we can no longer control the actions of our young adults, we can continue to influence them.

This book came at a crucial time in my life. I didn’t realize I was having control issues. I thought I just wanted what was best for my son and that he was unable to decide that for himself. Now I see that I really have done my best in the nurturing and validating and teaching areas, and it’s up to him to make his own life decisions. I can honestly say I have let go of the controls. But I’m still adjusting! This is not a profound book in the sense that it will nourish you with multiple readings, BUT it’s intensely practical and comforting. If you’ve got teens, give it a try.

[Janice Kohl · Rating 4 out of 5]

Focus On The Family featured this book. There is lots of time to read and rethink the ways you relate to people you love the most especially your teenagers. At first, the title made me uncomfortable.

In a simple format that includes some graphs and charts, Part 1 has the first chapter title of Control: It's Not Your Department. Part 2 has a chapter on Three Habits of Highly Controlling People. Part 3 is entitled Turning Off The Power Struggle where the reader finds that the purpose of this book is to practice the difference between control and influence.

For parents who are still trying to control their grown up teenager through the deeply embedded habit of worry and the need to feel better through controlling them to get them to turn out alright.
Tim Sanford

[Renee · Rating 4 out of 5]

This little gem may be all you need to navigate the family turbulence called adolescence! Sanford's "Three Rules of Life" are timeless reminders of our choices and consequences, as well as our ultimate lack of control over our emerging teens and young adults. In addition, Sanford provides other helpful insights into "losing control," such as detailed descriptions of healthy and unhealthy parent-child relational dynamics and specific case studies.

[Carol · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book will point out where you are trying to control your teen, make you understand why it won't work, and then it will give practical, healthy alternatives. There may be nothing new under the sun, but Tim Sanford presents the truths of wise parenting in a new (and humorous) light. I read this in one day, used a pencil to mark important points, and plan to open it often as I adopt some new ways of relating to my teens. Excellent.

[Margo Berendsen · Rating 4 out of 5]

Excellent advice - not just for parents tempted to control their teens - but anyone who finds themselves tempted to control other relationships.

Some helpful day-to-day advice, how to reprogram your controlling habits.

While there were many examples of real life scenarios, of course I wish there had been more, the book seemed a little slim and bare-bones.

[Sandee · Rating 4 out of 5]

Three rules for life
1. You live and die by your own choices
2. You can choose smart or you can choose stupid
3. If you choose stupid, there is always someone or something there to make your life uncomfortable

[Dawn Hovie · Rating 5 out of 5]

Fantastic book!