As a Woman: What I Learned about Power, Sex, and the Patriarchy after I Transitioned

by Paula Stone Williams

This moving and unforgettable memoir of a transgender pastor’s transition from male to female is an “audacious, gripping, and profoundly real journey that speaks to the mind, heart, and soul” ( Joshua J. Dickson, director of Faith Based Initiatives, Biden Campaign)— perfect for fans of Redefining Realness and There Is Room for You.

As a father of three, married to a wonderful woman, and holding several prominent jobs within the Christian community, Dr. Paula Stone Williams made the life-changing decision to physically transition from male to female at the age of sixty. Almost instantly, her power and influence in the evangelical world disappeared and her family had to grapple with intense feelings of loss and confusion.

Feeling utterly alone after being expelled from the evangelical churches she had once spearheaded, Paula struggled to create a new safe space for herself where she could reconcile her faith, her identity, and her desire to be a leader. Much to her surprise, the key to her new career as a woman came with a deeper awareness of the inequities she had overlooked before her transition. Where her opinions were once celebrated and amplified, now she found herself sidelined and ignored. New questions emerged. Why are women’s opinions devalued in favor of men’s? Why does love and intimacy feel so different? And, was it possible to find a new spirituality in her own image?

In As a Woman , Paula’s “critical questions about gender, personhood, and place are relevant to anyone. Her writing insightfully reveals aspects of our gender socialization and culture that often go unexamined, but that need to be talked about, challenged, and changed” (Soraya Chemaly, author of Rage Becomes Her ) in order to fully understand what it means to be male, female, and simply, human.

Genres: Nonfiction, LGBT, Memoir, Feminism, Audiobook, Biography Memoir, Transgender

256 pages, Paperback

First published June 1, 2021

About the author

Paula Stone Williams is a Pastoral Counselor and internationally known speaker on gender equity, LGBTQ advocacy, and religious tolerance. She is lives in Boulder, Colorado.

Paula has been featured in the New York Times, TEDWomen, TEDSummit, Red Table Talk, TEDxMileHigh, the Denver Post, National Public Radio, ABC, and many other media outlets. Her TED talks have had over six million views. Paula’s memoir, As A Woman, What I Learned About Power, Sex, and the Patriarchy After I Transitioned, will be published by Simon & Schuster in June of 2021.

Reviews

[Erin · Rating 3 out of 5]

Giveaway Win!

3.5 Stars!

This is the type of book that makes you think.

I'm not Trans and I'm not white, so I obviously can only view this story through my own life experiences and point of view.

Paula Stone Williams has a truly enthralling life story. She grew up in an extremely conservative evangelical family and she would go on to become an evangelical pastor. She married young and is the father of 3 children. Her grandkids call her GramPaula. She spent years trying to deny that she was Transgender but eventually she made the brave decision to finally live life as a woman. And to say Paula was naive would be an understatement.

Paula expected her conservative evangelical community to accept her....They did not.

Paula expected to be treated with the same respect as a woman that she was as a man..She found out that women, especially older women are treated not great.

Paula is a very likeable if oblivious person. She talks about how different she now is as a woman and how awful the patriarchy is..While telling women how they should feel and act. Paula tends to generalize the genders. There was a lot of "Women like this, while men like this" It was annoying. You would think that a Trans woman would understand that putting genders in little boxes is not okay.

As I said I liked Paula but she was giving me Old White Woman Feminism and that's not a good thing. She does point out that white men and women have a privilege that Non white people don't have. She never acknowledges that her ability to "pass" as a woman also gives her a huge amount of privilege. She just casually mentions that she had facial surgery to look more feminine. She never mentions that most Transgender people dont have that privilege or even that you dont need to "pass" to be Trans. She at times made being a woman sound like Cosplay.

I don't know how many times she wrote that "women" dress like this and "men" dress like that. And she lamented the fact that she can't wear the same shoes or pants she wore when she was living as man...

Why cant she?

If you liked those "mens" shoes and pants then wear them. My favorite pair of pants are from the mens department...they have pockets and for some reason women aren't allowed to have pockets.

That was really my only problem with the book and it's the reason I didn't rate the book higher. I still enjoyed this book and I would read more books by her. I also need to watch her TEDTALK.

I realize that I'm not the target audience for this book. I think its meant more for middle to upper middle class white people but I did learn some things and I would recommend it to people in the target demographic.

[Mallory · Rating 3 out of 5]

I am always honored when I pick up a memoir, a piece of who someone is. I’m especially excited for books about the LGBTQ or other marginalized communities, so I was excited when my book club picked this book. I give Paula credit for being open and telling her story. Some parts were harder for me to read (the evangelical life is not for me), but I got that is a huge part of who Paula is. I think overall the writing style didn’t quite work for me. Some points felt repeated and it felt a little tedious at times and others felt like they came from no where. That being said, I did like to get a glimpse of her life as I will never understand what it is to be her or the things the she has gone through. I have a feeling her Ted talks could be interesting, and I’m very interested in the book she references that her son wrote about his processes of her transition and identity.

[Becky · Rating 2 out of 5]

DNF at 35%
It should come as a surprise to nobody that I would be interested in this book when I saw it at my library - the title alone hits a lot of the marks that I generally find myself gravitating toward in my reading these days.

But jeez... almost immediately after starting the audiobook I was regretting it for a couple reasons. I honestly feel like this would be better (for me) in print, but I have a hard time finding time to sit and read books with my eyeballs, so audio it is almost primarily these days.

But this audio just didn't work for me. The author's voice is fine, a little husky and soft, though not unpleasant, but her STYLE drove me nuts. I know this is her story, and her life, and her feelings and desires and struggles, and I GET it that she would want to convey those emotions - but dropping her voice to a whisper and really GOING FOR the emotion just struck me as... Too much. And there was a LOT of it. From talking about the joy of becoming a father, to the discussion of putting divorce on the table in marriage counseling, to her deepest desires to be a woman as she always felt she was, these aren't throw away topics, and they DO have emotional depth, but let the words do the heavy lifting. I don't need a dramatic re-enactment. (Caveat here - I don't like PERFORMATIVE audiobooks in general. For example, I don't want anyone to do the voices, I just want the characters to be distinct. There are obviously going to be exceptions, but my ideal audiobook reader is going to be someone who does such a wonderful job at letting the story be told THROUGH them that I don't notice the reader at all except in hindsight to realize that they did it so well. If I notice the audiobook reader early, it's almost always a bad thing.)

Additionally, there was a whole lot of repetition and rehashing what was already covered previously, which, in combination with the overly dramatic feel of the reading style, just made me super impatient to get to the point, or at least move things along. And it seemed to jump around a lot, both in time and in topic. For instance, we have in-depth detail of the beginning of Williams and Kathy(sp?)'s early relationship and then marriage and honeymoon, then their early family beginnings, and then decades are covered in a recap sentence, but then we'll come back to those decades later and rehash a lot of it. It just seemed a little scattered to me.

The religious aspect really didn't bother me - Williams' beliefs are part of who she is and was - but the "calling" aspect for some reason DID bother me, at least in the way it was talked about here, which was that essentially after watching an episode of "Lost", where the main character was called to die (apparently - I never watched the show), it triggered a strong reaction and recognition in Williams. I'm not saying that I don't believe that she felt this way, but it just seemed strange to me to keep referring to HER feeling as a "calling to die" as well. Because she didn't die, she just changed. Transitioned. Though, I guess one could see it as a death of her old self, or her male identity, or her previous life. But she didn't specify those things, just that she was also "called to die". It just snagged in my brain and every time it came back up, it bugged me.

The stereotypical gender roles and Williams' understanding of them, and the shift in that understanding, was not really surprising to me considering her evangelical upbringing. I don't really know that I necessarily agree with much of her thoughts on things like how she "can" dress now vs before her transition (because wear what you want and what makes you comfortable) but I'm sure that a lot of that is to do with that deeply rooted expectation of gender compliance and expression.

I really wanted to like and appreciate this, but the style and format just didn't work for me. I think that maybe this is one that I will come back to at some point when I can sit down and read it myself.

[Dawn Michelle · Rating 5 out of 5]

As someone who has never had the desire to be anything other than a woman, there was a lot to unpack, and Ms. Williams does it very well, even the parts that I didn't agree with [based on her belief system and religion]. I find, that as I read books about the Transgender community, my empathy grows for those who struggle in the body they were born in. I may never understand it, but I want to be as empathetic as one can be and the only way to get there is to read stories such as Paula Stone Williams' story and grow in the knowledge that they are sharing.

Also, as someone who grew up in evangelicalism [and suffered at the hands of several pastors and elders of the church], it was interesting to see someone from evangelicalism both come out and transition, and to see how she dealt with some of the things that happened because of her transition. Some of the things she dealt with during her initial transition [along with my own issues] are why I no longer belong to or consider myself an evangelical, and why she also is not a part of evangelicalism.

It was also interesting to see how much she worked to make sure both her wife [as a man, she was married to a woman for over 41 years and has three children] and children were treated correctly as all this happened; she showed so much grace to her family as they worked through her transition and I think that is what has enabled them to all have the amazing relationship they have today [her son does talks with her and is head of the first LBGTQ+ evangelical church]. I was really impressed with that part of the story - they ended up working as a family to make their family stay together, and I found that impressive. You could hear the passion she has both for the church and for her family and children in her narration and I am so glad I waited for the audiobook for this one as hearing Ms. Williams read her story made it truly come alive for me.

Very well done!!

Thank you to NetGalley, Paula Stone Williams, and Atria Books for providing this ARC in exchange for an honest review.

[Levi Pierpont · Rating 5 out of 5]

Update: I read the top review on this book, and I want to respond to it. Here's the part that really made me think, with my thoughts in brackets.

"Paula is a very likeable if oblivious person. She talks about how different she now is as a woman and how awful the patriarchy is..While telling women how they should feel and act [I did notice this, to an extent]. Paula tends to generalize the genders. There was a lot of "Women like this, while men like this" It was annoying. You would think that a Trans woman would understand that putting genders in little boxes is not okay. [One can never underestimate the impact of books like Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus, and Love and Respect on folks from Paula's generation, despite their being released more than a decade apart. The fact is, trans folks are still affirming the binary, which is fine, they have every right to do that, but sometimes trans people, particularly trans people who are a little older, have a tendency to be just as gender-stereotyping as cis people. While this can be frustrating, it's easy for me to understand, and I know that, while Stone Williams might be a little too binary-heavy for many young readers' tastes, she would stand up for a non-binary or gender non-conforming person any day.]

As I said I liked Paula but she was giving me Old White Woman Feminism and that's not a good thing. She does point out that white men and women have a privilege that Non white people don't have. She never acknowledges that her ability to "pass" as a woman also gives her a huge amount of privilege [this was definitely an issue]. She just casually mentions that she had facial surgery to look more feminine [yeah, it felt weird when she wrote about it without acknowledging how impossible that is for lots of folks]. She never mentions that most Transgender people dont have that privilege or even that you dont need to "pass" to be Trans. She at times made being a woman sound like Cosplay [yes, but again, this sort of makes sense, given her perspective]."

Overall, I agree with this reviewer's perspective, but I left my review at five stars, because I still loved this book, and it definitely deserved it.

Now for my review:

This book was everything I wanted and needed it to be. It was a thoughtful and oftentimes humorous exploration of White, male privilege, and a powerful encouragement to continue listening to the call of authenticity, believing it to be "sacred, and holy, and for the greater good." Not only does Paula--and I am, for once, using an author's first name because I've met her and she is just a very kind person--express a lot of the feelings that I've had coming out and leaving the conservative Evangelical church, she also talks about G-d and Jesus in a way that tugs at my heart and reminds me just how much my Christian roots still matter to me. And, all the while, she is so self-aware. She expresses a bit of annoyance with her past self for ignoring the male privilege she sees so clearly now, and I have a lot of respect for her for leaning into that message. There's even a part, near the end of the book, where she mentions her life having been difficult, and then says something to the extent of, "and I know, life's been difficult for all of us." No part of this book is her trying to win your pity, or the "oppression olympics" as it is often deemed by hyper right-wingers. She often points to specific moments during her transition process in which she admits to being overly self-focused, although I think anyone can forgive a person for being self-focused during such a period. The one thing I wish she expressed more self-awareness of would be her relative wealth. Wealth is one of those things that just makes life easier, and gender transitions are no exceptions. She doesn't ignore this, but she seems about 90% focused on the gender disparity, 9% focused on the race disparity that obviously has not changed for her, and 1% on the class disparity. I don't blame her, though, because I trust that if this is what she chose to focus on, this is how her life experience has presented the problems to her. And obviously the emphasis on the gender disparity is born out of the fact that she genuinely understands and has lived both sides of it, whereas, the wealth has always been there. She says she "wasn't born with a silver spoon" in her mouth, but "there were plenty of spoons nearby." And maybe if I had come out later in life, I could have snuck off the family farm with a few more spoons in the two backpacks I went to community college with the day I left home.

All in all, this book was somehow even better than what I was expecting, and I read it in like a day and a half, listening on 2x speed while shopping, working out, and working on numbers-stuff at work. 10/10, would recommend to any Christian and/or trans ally.
___________________________________________________
So excited to read this memoir! If you are not familiar with Williams, watch her TED Talk! It will make you want to read this.

Also, I can't help but remember when she spoke at a conference I attended, and read Wild Geese by Mary Oliver. It was the first time I had heard the poem, and the first I'd heard of Mary Oliver, and it was only months later that she died. That memory has always had a special place in my heart, especially the more I've come to love Mary Oliver and many of her other works.

Put this book on your tbr, it's gonna be a good one!

[Cari · Rating 5 out of 5]

I was completely consumed by Stone Williams' memoir of her life as a man and her transition. Stone Williams was a pastor and deeply invested in the evangelical community - she built churches, worked as a pastoral counselor, and spoke all over the nation. That changed when she felt the call to transition into the body of a woman. She was immediately ostracized and had to find her own way as a pastor and as a woman. Her journey is so nuanced, her writing wise and beautiful. Her view of God and her own gender has changed over her years of life, and I believe she can teach all of us important lessons. Thanks to Edelweiss for the early copy - I will definitely return to this book to review Stone Williams' insights.

[Jesse · Rating 3 out of 5]

I picked this book up due to the uniqueness of her position as an evangelical leader. Spoiler alert, I guess: they don’t accept her transition and fire her after 35 years of service. The book other than that was a relatively typical life story for a woman her age and race who transitioned late in life.

The thing that really frustrated me about this book was that she used a lot of ideas that are relatively specific to one person or group of people she did not credit. The most obvious was using the term vulnerability hangover without crediting Brené Brown. But also she managed to make all these revelations about how women were treated without once bringing up the second wave movement of feminism which brought up all these things in the 70s and 80s.

[a duck · Rating 4 out of 5]

** I received an advance review copy for free through a Goodreads Giveaway

Stone Williams’ “As A Woman” is a fascinating insight into the difficult process of transitioning genders and losing privilege in a society dominated by misogynistic standards and transphobic views. I came at this book knowing nothing about the author or her journey, but I was amazed to find how much it impacted me from the very first chapter. As a devout Catholic and bisexual woman, Williams’ struggles to fit into her Church while coming to terms with her gender identity both personally and publicly resonated with me on a deep personal level. I was so excited to see another woman in the LGBTQ+ community who maintained her relationship with her faith throughout her coming out, while also exploring the ways in which the Church that had once accepted her became a source of discrimination and pain. Further, I found her accounts of the loss of privilege from her time presenting as man to the days when she presented as a woman to be incredibly interesting, and would recommend anyone read this book if only to gain insight into these comparisons. It is astounding, especially when presented from Williams’ point of view, how different everyday life can be for men and women in the US.

I did, however, have some issues with the book. Williams presents some fascinating and salient ideas, but there are several passages where her writing style is choppy and discontinuous. The overall flow of the book is interrupted by short, staccato sentences and marred by repetition. Sometimes she presents an idea and quickly pivots to a different anecdote or theme, leaving the reader behind wondering how exactly she got there. I wish the book had been structured a bit better to allow the many ideas that Williams discusses to shine through more.

[Eugene Galt · Rating 4 out of 5]

As an LGBTQ person and an ex-independent fundamental Baptist, I figured I had to read this. The stories of the evangelical pastor’s transgender journey and of her different experiences in society as Paul and as Paula are absorbing, and the author displays levels of self-awareness and of empathy for those affected by her transition that are the highest I’ve seen in trans writing, fiction or nonfiction. However, the author talks in the languages of seventies middle-class feminism and fluffy-bunny Christianity that can make the book drag.

[Donna · Rating 4 out of 5]

I've read several memoirs by trans individuals who documented their journeys from birth-gender to authentic gender showing the pain and anguish of living their "before" lives and their complicated, yet ultimately fulfilling "after" lives. Williams' journey began in a Christian evangelical community and continued through the time she was expelled from the ministries she led and belonged to after 35 years. I found the first half of her book good, but it was the second half that grabbed my attention and had me dog-earing pages which delve into the subject of the subtitle of her book: "What I Learned About Power, Sex, and the Patriarchy after I Transitioned." Those in a position of power often don't see the privilege that surrounds them. After she visibly transitioned, that privilege disappeared, and she had to learn to negotiate the world that many of us cisgender women have experienced all of our lives She describes the journey of her Christian faith after transitioning. As Paula reconstructs her life, she shares her clearer perspective on faith, its resulting patriarchy, and its effects on women's fundamental rights.

[Stef · Rating 3 out of 5]

I feel like I have soooo little in common with Paula. That’s despite the fact that I’m also…
- a woman that transitioned late in life
- parent to three (generally) accepting kids
- non-intimate partner to spouse that isn’t a lesbian

But that’s fine:) It just speaks to the variability of humans and the things that make us (in)humane. As a lifelong atheist, I found a lot of the religious parts tedious, but I could see past them. What I ended up not liking was Paula’s style; too many things seemed repeated, too many t threads were semi- or non-linear, but there were seldom clues of warning about their beginnings and endings.

[Cavak · Rating 5 out of 5]

Okay. Wow.

When I first opened this book, my intent was reading about someone's life story. What is it she has to say and why. Admittedly, most of my gut interest was through the title and that it was listed as LGBTQ+. And that fabulous woman on the cover. Blind interest away!

So I did not expect to learn as much as I did while reading. Or to be as moved as I was.

I cannot remember the last time I read a LGBTQ+ written work that addresses religion with such humility. Often the author or main characters are secular, and religious figures are often cardboard cutouts. Sometimes religion is used as a scapegoat for why someone may not be allowed to prosper.

But despite being born and raised in an emotionally toxic environment, Paula doesn't do that. Of course, she acknowledges that there are flaws and highlights the ostracization she went through herself. Even key moments of skepticism when she cried "Oh God, why?" at her lowest points. Yet somehow she keeps her faith. She shares her faith.

Really, that's a good summary of this entire memoir. Paula shares, and she does it with the grace of someone who's still living to tell it. She doesn't expect everyone who has read her book to be kind or forgiving to her life choices. She shares in the hopes that somehow it will help the ones who really need it. To tell them they are not alone. To lend a gesture of kindness to the ones who want to emphasize and may not know how.

When I realized that this was still being written during the pandemic lockdown last year, I'm blown away at how recent the reactions to her transition truly is and the emotional processing she has been going through since then. That she managed to get such a personal book written and published to this length at all is amazing.

That's pretty powerful stuff to me.

As a Woman probably isn't going to win any writer's awards for its craft. The writing is brief and very casual, sometimes a bit repetitive in the second half. Please do give this book a chance if you're open to learning and listening to a world view that may not be your own. You might have a nice takeaway from Paula's thoughtfulness.

Or you know, visit the likely reasons why she got a book deal. Watch the Tedx Talks with her as a speaker or read her blog if you can't get the book but would like to support her family anyway. I'm sure she'd appreciate that.

I received the book for free through Goodreads Giveaways.

[Trisha Long · Rating 3 out of 5]

It was a fascinating perspective, the author was your typical white guy who happened to be born into Evangelical privilege. 35 years active in their church in significant leadership roles, promptly sacked when she came out as trans. Somehow she was shocked by this, despite the hateful messaging of evangelicals towards the LGBTQIA+ communities.

The book is a bit self-serving, I felt at times like I was having straight white male privilege man-splained to me 🙄

[Beth Shultz · Rating 1 out of 5]

This book is not good at all. And that is all I'm going to say.

[Tina · Rating 2 out of 5]

I did not like the writer, sadly. To me, she proved how self-involved she was her whole life. I felt nothing actually changed for her after her surgery. Truly, no difference, from my viewpoint.

[Yarub Khayat · Rating 5 out of 5]

"بصفتي امرأة .. ما عرفته بعد تحولي الجنسي عن: القوة والجنس والنظام الأبوي".
..........................................................................

كتاب من تأليف سيدة أمريكية، عمرها 70 عاما تدعى/ باولا ستون وليامز، فيه النظر للعالم بعيون امرأة "متحولة"، كانت رجلا حتى بلوغه حوالي ستين عاما من العمر.

هذا الكتاب رحلة إنسانية فريدة، ومشاعر متضاربة تثير الارتباك لدى القارئ، بل وحتى الرثاء - فالكتاب من تأليف امرأة في عمر السبعين، عاشت حوالي ستين عاما حياة رائعة كرجل ولد عام 1951، حظي خلال حياته بتربية دينية مسيحية، وبتعليم عال متميز هيأه للعمل في وظائف مرموقة، من بينها عمله قسيسا في منظوم�� الكنيسة الأنجليكانية (الإنجيلية)، التي تُظهر دوما قبولها بالليبرالية وبالآراء المختلفة وبالترحيب بالجميع؛ رجل حظي بالزواج من امرأة يفيد بأنها كانت الأروع من بين الفتيات اللائي عرفهن أثناء دراسته الجامعية،
"The most wonderful girl on campus",
زوجة انجبت ابنة وإبنا، مع تبنيهما لابنة ثانية، ثم حظيا سويا بمشاهدتهما لأحفادهما، وذلك على مدى زواج امتد حوالي 40 عاماً.

ولكن ذلك الرجل الذي بدا محظوظا في حياته العلمية والمهنية والأسرية، كان يعاني من اضطراب في الهوية الجنسية منذ طفولته المبكرة، بدأ الشعور بذلك الاضطراب عندما كان تقريبا في عمر 4 أعوام، حيث أنه يتذكر إحساسه وقت طفولته بذلك الاضطراب في منزل سكنته أسرته لعامين عندما كان في عمر 3 وحتى 5 أعوام؛ ولتمضي به أحداث الحياة حتى العام 2010، حيث قرر حينها ذلك الرجل الذي قارب عمره ستين عاما، وكان اسمه/ بول،
"Paul",
التخلص من معاناته الداخلية، ومن وساوس متراكمة عانى من ازديادها بعد استقلال ابنه وابنتيه عن الأسرة، واعتمادهم على أنفسهم في شؤون حياتهم، وشكواه من هواجسه بسبب الاضطراب المزمن في هويته الجنسية، وانتهى رأيه، ورأي العلاج النفسي له، أن يكون تخلصه من تلك المعاناة بالتحول إلى أنثى، حملت بعد التحول اسم/ بولا،
"Paula",
وهو ماتم، لتنقلب بعدها حياته المهنية والعائلية والاجتماعية رأسا على عقب، ولتختفي فورا قوته الإدارية وتأثيره في مجال الكنائس التي كان يقودها بصفته رجلا؛ ولتتعامل الأنثى المتحولة، بولا، مع مشاعر الخسارة والارتباك الشديدين، ولتشعر بالوحدة التامة بعد طردها من وظيفته/ها، في الكنائس الإنجيلية التي كانت تحت قيادته/ها.

يتكون الكتاب من ثلاثة أجزاء، أولها عن حياة مؤلفته حتى وصولها لقرار تغيير الجنس، وثانيها عن معمعة تغيير الجنس، وبدء المعاناة على كل أوجه حياة المؤلفة،

وينتهي الجزء الثاني من الكتاب، بالفصل الخامس عشر الذي يمكن ترجمة عنوانه، بتصرف، إلى "الوفاة قبل الموت"
Dying before Dying,
وهو فصل هام حيث فيه وصف مؤثر للمشكلات النفسية والأسرية والعملية والمجتمعية، التي ترتبت على قرار "بول" بالتحول إلى امرأة؛

ويلي ذلك، الجزء الثالث من الكتاب، وهو المبتدئ بالفصل السادس عشر، وعنوانه
Life Is Easier for Men,
والذي اعتبره أيضا أهم ما في الكتاب حيث يتناول ذلك الفصل، مشاهدات وملاحظات وتجارب "مؤلفته"، التي عاشت في الولايات المتحدة الأمريكية كأنثى لمدة عشرة أعوام فقط، وذلك بعد معيشتها ستة عقود كرجل أمريكي أبيض قيادي، يحظى بكل الفرص والامتيازات والمناصب القيادية المؤثرة - هذا مع تركيز "مؤلفة" الكتاب على إيراد ما لاحظته خلال العقد الذي عاشته كأنثى، من عدم عدالة تعامل المجتمع الأمريكي مع النساء، خاصة في مجال العمل (مع إيراد بعض الأرقام والإحصائيات ومعدلات الأجور التي تؤكد ذلك)، هذا مع تهميشهن وتجاهل آرائهن، وتبنت "مؤلفة" الكتاب الرأي بأن التمكين الحقيقي للنساء لا يكون بمجرد تعيينهن في مناصب قيادية مرموقة، ولكن تمكين النساء يكون بتوعية المجتمع بالسمات الأصيلة في سلوك النساء، ثم احترام المجتمع لتلك السمات والقبول بها، كقبول المجتمع بسمات وخصائص الرجال، وذلك بدون "الانتقاص من النساء"..
كما نادت "مؤلفة" الكتاب بتنشئة الفتيات على الثقة في النفس وعلى المثابرة في الحياة، مع حث الرجال على معرفة الطرق التي "يتحيز بها العالم لصالحهم"، وذلك من خلال ما شاهدته "المؤلفة" بصفتها امرأة، من تجاهل لآراء النساء الأمريكيات في مواقع العمل، فقط لأنهن نساء!..
هذا وقد ادعت "المؤلفة" في كتابها أن مجتمع الأعمال في الولايات المتحدة الأمريكية، لا يزال ينظر للإناث بعين فيها عدم الثقة بالأداء، وتوقع لارتكاب الأخطاء، والحكم الجاهز المسبق بنقصان المعرفة اللازمة لإنجاز العمل بمهارة وإتقان، وأن المرأة لا يمكن أن تتمتع بمواهب متعددة، وذلك بخلاف الرجل.

يتضمن الكتاب تفاصيل متنوعة عن معاناة "مؤلفته" مع الكنيسة بعد تحولها من ذكر لأنثى، وذلك على الرغم من أن نشأتها في طفولتها وشبابها، وكل ممارساتها قبل التحول الجنسي كانت ملتزمةً دينيّاً، وفي خدمة الكنيسة قلباً وقالباً، وتضمّن الكتاب الكثير من المواقف المربكة، لعل أشدها إيلاماً للقارئ الأب لفتيات في سن الزواج: وصف المشاعر الداخلية المتضاربة للشاب العشريني "بول"، وقت إعداده لتجهيزات زفافه وما تمناه ذلك الشاب سرّاً في أن يكون هو العروس التي ترفل في ثوب الزفاف النسائي الأبيض!
ومنها ما ورد في لقاء تلفزيوني مع المؤلفة عن مشاعر العريس "بول" عندما تبادل خواتم الخطوبة مع عروسه، وتمنيه أن يلبس هو، أي العريس الخاتم المخصص للعروس، وأن تلبس العروس الخاتم المخصص للعريس!
ومنها ما ورد في الكتاب عن مشاعر العريس في أول ليلة من زفافه بتمنيه أن يكون هو العروس وليس العريس وذلك على الرغم من أن اللقاء الجنسي الذي حصل بينهما في تلك الليلة كان طبيعياً جدا وحسب المتوقع من شاب وشابة بينهما علاقة حب سابقة.

المؤلم أن كل تلك الملابسات والهواجس كانت على الرغم من أن الزواج ناتجٌ عن معرفة وحب متبادل استمر لعامين بين طرفيه، أخفى فيهما ذلك الشاب معاناته من اضطراب الهوية الجنسية، وقد كان عمر الشاب "بول" يوم الزواج21 عاما، وكان عمر زوجته "كاثي"19 عاما.

ويتضح في نهاية الفصل الخامس من الكتاب، ومن الفصل السادس، أن الشاب بول قد توقع التغلب على مشاعره السلبية الناتجة عن اضطراب الهوية الجنسية بالوقوع في الحب مع فتاة، وعندما لم يحصل ذلك كان يتوقع الخلاص من ذلك الاضطراب بالزواج من محبوبته، وعندما لم يحصل ذلك، كان يتوقع الفكاك من ذلك الاضطراب بعد ممارسة الجنس مع الزوجة، ولكن شيئا من ذلك لم يؤد إلى التخلص من معاناته، مما اضطره بعد عام من الزواج، لأن يصارح زوجته بمشاعره ومعاناته من اضطراب هويته الجنسية، (أي عندما كان في عمر 22 عاما)، ومع ذلك لم تتسبب مسؤليته عن رعاية الأسرة وولادة ابنهما الأول ثم ابنتهما ثم تبنيهما لطفلة، في مساعدته وتمكينه من التخلص من معاناته.

كما ورد بالكتاب الارتباك الذي تعرضت له "عائلتها" بعد تحولها من ذكر لأنثى، ومن ذلك استمرار الإبن الأربعيني في استخدام كلمة أبي
"Dad"
وكذلك تعامل بعض أحفاد المؤلفة وحديثهم معها بصفتها "جدا" وليس "جدة"، كما تعرض الكتاب لما لاحظته "مؤلفته" من فروقات في تعامل النساء مع بعضهن، وذلك بالمقارنة مع تعامل الرجال بين بعضهم البعض، وهذا في كافة مجالات الحياة العملية والاجتماعية.

أجمل ما في الكتاب مواقف الزوجة، كاثي، مع مشكلة زوجها، وذلك على مدى كامل فترة زواجهما، وحتى إلى ما بعد إجراء عملية تغيير الجنس، فقد صارحها زوجها بعد عام من زواجهما، الذي تم عن حب، بمعاناته من اضطراب الهوية الجنسية، ووقفت معه بالإنجاب وكذلك بالعشرة الرائعة وبالدعم، ثم بمحاولاتهما على مدى 20 عاما لاستشفائه وإنقاذ زواجهما، ثم قيامها بمرافقته وقت دخوله للمستشفي لإجراء عملية تغيير الجنس، ثم التغطية على ذلك لمدة قاربت عاماً كاملا، حتى يتم ترتيب الأمور العملية للإعلان للعموم عن تغيير جنس الزوج، ثم استمرار علاقة الصداقة بينهما، بل والعمل المشترك.

صدرت النسخة الورقية من هذا الكتاب في أول شهر يونيو عام 2021، مشتملة على 256 صفحة، وهو متوفر في عدة مواقع متخصصة لبيع الكتب عن بعد، ويمكن الاستماع إليه ككتاب مسموع بصوت "مؤلفته"، وهي تقرأ من كتابها بصوت معبر عن المشاعر التي تحملها الكلمات، يتطلب إكمال سماع الكتاب حوالي ثمانية ساعات، ومن أفضل المواقع الموثوقة التي أعرفها للحصول على الكتب المسموعة، موقعي/
Audiable.com & Libro.fm

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لقطات والتقاطات من الكتاب:

* يتميز أسلوب الكتاب بالبساطة والتلقائية، وهو لا يقدم الموضوع على أنه قصة تحول جنسي، ولكنه يقدمه كقصة تلبية احتياج نفسي، وحرص الكتاب على نقل مشاعر أبطاله للقراء، وليس فقط لرواية أحداث الحكاية التي لا يخفى أنها مأساة تعرضت لها أسرة كاملة بسبب كتمان والد تلك الأسرة لاضطراب في هويته الجنسية.
*يبتدئ الفصل الأول من الكتاب بحفل زفاف الشاب بول، وذلك ببداية تشابه بدايات الأفلام السينمائية، بداية تنقل القارئ لجو الترتيبات والتهيئة للزفاف، ثم ما بعد الزفاف، هذا مع إعلام القارئ بمشاعر ذلك الشاب التي أخفاها عن الجميع، ولو كان قد أظهر بعضها لما تم الزفاف.
*كان للطفل بول شقيق أكبر منه بأربعة أعوام، إلا أن سعادته كانت في مخالطة بنات عماته.
*ورد بالكتاب ما لاحظه الطفل "بول"، من تفضيل الأسرة للذكور واعطائهم الأفضلية في المجالس وفي إبداء الرأي وحتى في تناول الطعام.
*تأخرت مظاهر بلوغ الشاب "بول"، عن أقرانه من الذكور، إلا أنه كان ينظر بشغف وسعادة لمظاهر بلوغ الفتيات من حوله، متمنياً في قرارة نفسه أن يصبح مثلهن.
*أدى التحول الجنسي إلى طلاق الرجل "بول" من زوجته "كاثي"، وذلك بعد أكثر من أربعة عقود من الزواج، ومع ذلك فقد تولت "كاثي" تدريب زوجها بعد تحوله الجنسي، والمساهمة في تهيئته عاطفيّاً ومعنويّاً وعمليّاً، للعيش كامرأة، ولا زال هناك عمل مشترك بينهما.
*خصصت "المؤلفة" الفصل السابع عشر برسائل توجهها باولا، بعد معرفتها لقسوة ظروف عمل النساء، إلى بول، أي نفسها قبل التحول، بما كان عليه أن يفعله في محيط عمله ومع زوجته، ليُظهر الدعم الحقيقي للنساء.
*تم تخصيص الفصل التاسع عشر من الكتاب لشرح المؤلفة، لكيفية تسبب عملية تغيير الجنس في تعميق الإيمان بالرب وبالروح القدس، وبالمحبةلكل الناس، ولكن ليس على طريقة المذهب الذي آمنت به ستة عقود.
*الفصل العشرون بعنوان
Gender and Sexuality.
*يبتدئ كل فصل من الفصول الواحد والعشرين للكتاب بقول مأثور أو حكمة (مع توضيح قائلها)، ترى المؤلفة أنها تشير إلى جوهر الفائدة والاستفادة من ذلك الفصل.

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هذا ومن نافلة القول أن هذا الكتاب يتعلق بمجتمع يختلف جذريا عن مجتمعاتنا ومعظم المجتمعات الأخرى، ومع ذلك فقد يجدر قراءته (أو سماعه)، ليس فقط لمعرفة المشكلات العميقة لاضطراب الهوية الجنسية وضرر عدم اكتشافها مبكرا للتعامل السليم معها نفسيا ومجتمعيا وطبيا، ولكن أيضا لمعرفة ملاحظات ومشاهدات وانتقادات "مؤلفته" على مجتمعها، والمفارقات والصعوبات التي تتعرض لها النساء في ذلك المجتمع الذي قد يضرب البعض به المثل في العدالة والمساواة والقدوة الحسنة في التعامل مع النساء، وذلك بدون معرفة كافة جوانبه وممارساته !

أرفق أدناه رابطا لمشاهدة تسجيل تحدثت فيه "المؤلفة" أمام أحد المهرجانات الخطابية التي أقامتها "تيد"، عام 2019، حيث أن كلماتها مفيدة للتعرف على شخصيتها وأسلوبها وأفكارها، وهو بعنوان/
What I realized about men -- after I transitioned gender.
تجدونه على اليوتيوب في قناة/
TEDx Talks


https://youtu.be/edLQdf4o0cg

[Letitia · Rating 5 out of 5]

What a precious and urgent and necessary read. I'm so glad she wrote it.

Paula Stone Williams brings a level of vulnerability to the memoir of a trans woman that I haven't seen before. She is almost supernaturally self-aware, deeply excavates every privilege she holds or has held, and is a heart-baring compassionate person. She is not without personal conflict, and she details those carefully, making sure to ask herself where she may have been ignorant or negligent or otherwise at fault. But overall my impression of her is a wise and thoughtful person of integrity.

We get the story of her life before transition, her happy - pretty much blissful, actually - marriage. Her children, her ministry, her rise in leadership. Throughout this narrative she is retrospective, naming the privilege of race and gender as it is exhibited, as she experienced it. She has done what some women are loathe to do, and actually humbles herself enough to see that the way she was perceived and treated early in life defined her post-transition experience and success. She is aware of this, she names it, she is unflinching in her assessment of patriarchy and how she still benefits from it.

This is particularly meaningful to me as the friend of many trans people. As my friends came out as women, they were shocked and even offended when they were suddenly expected to be caretakers of their children. They were angry when they were not taken seriously at work. They were unaware of and clumsy at holding so many of the social obligations that their feminine partners had always held. They were women who had not spent their childhoods being socialized as a woman in patriarchy, and they were downright flumuxed when the world started treating them differently. Paula Stone Williams recognizes this, dissects it, critiques it. And she's so spot on.

To be clear, there is never a hint of regret that she began to live authentically as herself. There is nothing but relief and joy in her transition. But after it comes the rude awakening to the strictures of patriarchy that had always benefited her, and now imprisoned her. Her insight is so valuable, and I can pretty easily recommend this to anyone. Questioning, transitioning, attempting to understand, a feminist dubious about the experiences of trans women, I think we'd all do well to read Paula's perspective.

[Chelsea Hopkins · Rating 4 out of 5]

As a trans woman from a Christian background myself, I identified with a lot of Paula’s experiences and appreciated the solidarity in our similar journey and struggles.

It’s hard to critique someone so openly sharing their trials and tribulations, so I won’t do that here, but I will say there were just parts of the last third or so of the book that weren’t my favorite and I could’ve done without. That said, I’m sure those parts were helpful or insightful for others, or were at least cathartic for Paula to put down in words.

In any case, there were two things in particular that I especially love:

1) her breakdown of what Christianity should be: loving God, loving neighbor, and loving self
2) her view of her transition: “The call toward authenticity is sacred, and holy, and for the greater good.”

Bookstagram - @chelsealikesbooks

[Penny · Rating 4 out of 5]

I read this after hearing Paula Stone Williams being interviewed on NPR. Williams grew up a boy but always knew she was in the wrong body. Her family was enmeshed in the evangelical church, her father a pastor as she would go on to be. Despite her own feelings, for far too long she espoused her church’s message about gays and transgender people – an aberration and not welcome. As a boy and young man she liked girls, got married young and at every point of her life thought that would be the point at which she could really embrace the body she was born in. Not long after marriage she confided in Cathy her wife. Together they had three children and not until the children were grown and living independently did Paula decide to transition, with Cathy’s blessing. Williams had thought the church would allow her to ease out gently and was shocked when she was immediately dismissed. All her income gone, her life changed in a way she had not totally anticipated. But she went on to co-found a new and more welcoming church (for some reason not given it’s real name, but a quick google search unearths it). The story is fascinating particularly in the way that she is treated after transitioning. Of course she knew about male privilege in theory, and was by all accounts a humble man, compassionate and kind to all, but only when she is herself female does she realise how extensive such privilege is. Many parts of this memoir were both thought provoking and interesting.

[Deborah · Rating 3 out of 5]

I had mixed feelings about this book …it was very repetitious, but also moving. Sometimes I was aggravated by the flowery language and found listening hard due to that language expressed in her sweet style (I listened and read to help with that aspect). I was intending to give it two stars until I heard chapter 15, “Dying Before Dying”, a detailed and heartfelt goodbye to Paul.

[Teresa · Rating 5 out of 5]

Such a good book. Everyone should read this book, transgender or not. It's not just about that. It's about love, acceptance, life, and spirituality. The last chapter made me cry. Very moving. . .the whole book.

[Christina Pauze (is in a reading slump) · Rating 1 out of 5]

I only read this because of the religious aspect of it. I need to make this abundantly clear. But in the first few lines I new I was just going to write my thoughts as a I read so that will be the majority of my review. But ultimately I found this book to be a very sad tale of selfishness and delusion. There was a lot of backwards thinking and at the end of the day, although Paul/Paula may be nice about it, they're still narcissistic. To the point that they have brought it upon themselves to form their own God and call it biblical which is exactly what he has accused toxic religious forums of doing (which I do not deny is a huge problem). Ultimately this Book is about embracing your true happiness 9whatever that may be) and accept your ultimate truth no matter what the Word says and blames the Bible to be a tool of the patriarchy which is ridiculous and as a pastor he should know how the translation of a Bible works and if any one is interested please check out Voodie Bacham's "why I believe the Bible" video on Youtube.

This was a mash up of backwards thinking, heartache and hypocrisy. Explaining that the only way to true happiness is to be okay with that pain and suffering other's will endure from your choices since you are the only one who matters in your life. There is also the constant pain Paul is feeling from tearing up his family, choosing gender of fatherhood, the backwards thinking that men will never know there is a problem and imbalance between women until they become women (to a degree, he expresses that there is no way a well educated man will see this after expressing that as a man he did notice this and didn't say anything but doesn't admit that he had the power to do so and blames it on the fact that he was a man which simply isn't true. For that I really didn't like this book.

The good elements in the book are few a far spread. I thought it was interesting to see this perspective of seeing the world as a man and a woman, but all the things this person was saying I have to admit sounded like a man speaking on women issues because they weren't all correct and the emphasis was on the loss of privilege and the zero respect women have when women do have respect and are able to work. I know it isn't easy or fair all the time but women do have power and never once was that mentioned - because the power that men and women have are both important, but different (never once is this said.

REAL TIME NOTE:
Introduction:
- I already find this difficult to get through. I know that at the end there is a 'coming of age' moment when this person explains that they regret changing their gender especially as someone who has a family and children's to consider and chose not to. But when I though of that and listened to the whole sob story and being strong and acknowledge that this person still posed as a woman and used their female name it made me a bit angry because that in itself says it all. Yes they feel bad about what they did, but they are omitting that it's a price they are willing to make on other's behalf and would do it all over again if they had to. signed Paula.

- No white man is prepared for the loss of privledge is a line that I am going to have to come back to but this including the fact that they lost their entire denomination is said in a way that is implying that they kicked him out which I would think is farthest from the truth. I agree that this pastor should have lost his job (and did) but that doesn't mean he had to leave the church. Obviously he wasn't' a good pastor and a wolf in sheep's clothing. I had my mother finish the book before me and asked her not to say anything but she did tell me that this 'pastor' Paul didn't become a pastor because he had a calling or a love for God but instead because his father and his father's father and so on were all pastors and was expected of him (which is toxic in it of itself) but shows that he never had Faith in God. If he did his life would be very different right now, I think he would have been able to see what he was struggling with and present it to God and allow the holy spirit to come over him and change his heart. Take away the pain of this gender dysphoria by finding some kind of psychological therapy or something and make it easier for him to cope with and be happy with the fact that hi solve for God is more important than his love for the fleshly desires, but instead he "let go and went with the flow" And listened to his heart that was calling him.

- "You're heart wants to be free, but will never be free until you let Go." This is a very dangerous phrase and is a parallels modern version of the first lie ever told. and Paul[a] ends the chapter with the statement that this is your journey, maybe your first or maybe not, but all ends up with us in the unknown. . . . I can't say it better than Spencer Smith [check out 3rd Adam on YouTube]. But all I could think about what Satan might of said to this man. "You will not die if you let go and become yourself - God is only Love and what's you to be free and let Go" ALERT ALERT ALERT - is the only things going through my Head right now.

- From the intro alone, I am feeling the following:
1- Anger: This is a man who has dishonored God by preaching for the sake of pride, vanity and shame, and has essentially used the church as a beard. He has betrayed his family by breaking this oath between himself and his wife and forcing his children into confession and losing their father just by 'changing' genders.
2 - Sadness: it isn't fair that his children have to go through this. It isn't' fair that this man Paul is in so much pain and was in a community that could have helped him, but decided to listen to the King of the Air instead of truly going to God and asking for forgiveness and for help - through him all things are possible. I know before even starting this book and also knowing the words of God (the only reason why I picked up the book was because he made it clear that his is part of the "Christian" community still) that this man has gone through so much and has made very difficult decisions to be 'happy' but he made the wrong choice and will now be stuck with a void in his heart that he is always going to try to fill up unless he chooses God.
3- discomfort: I know that false teachers are predestined, we are all predestined. But the fact that this man had read the word of God and still rejected him is scary, unbelievable and the saddest reality there could ever be in this world.

_________________________________

In chapter 2 I found the perspective of Paul interesting as he grew up as a privledged boy. But I also found it ironic. I can say there was a glint of narcissisms that was provoked through toxic levels of order in the household when it comes to what it is to be man which itself is not Biblical (referring to how he was raised). His mother would make food and never sit until all the men sat, only men are allowed to talk at the table. Paul admits that he though the had a right to be first, be seen as special jus because of his gender and therefore it made sense that he could choose his own gender as well (which of course only crossed his mind because of the gender dysphoria). But he also says something that I think is interesting. He explains that when girls grew up they were given the lesser hand a coat of invisibility that made them inferior to men. And it think that he keeps this mindset to this day despite switching over to a new gender. It's very odd. But also the Bible shows that we are to treat people equally, respect one another and emphasizes that there are different roles for men and women, but neither is better than the other.

The concept used is he did not feel like a girl in a boys body but a boy in a boy's body who wished he was a girl. There is longing to be the opposite sex. There are the 'thinkins' to keep the furies away instead of praying. He is praying to be a girl and angry at God that He hasn't answered. I know that he is just a boy at this time, but the question and the prayer shouldn't be do this thing for me God, it should be an acknowledgment that you are struggling and ask God for aid in doing his Will so that that feeling and that struggle will go away or you will understand why you are struggling and see that this is God's will. (His promise isn't for us to have a good life in this world, but the next).

I will agree though that in bible schools there is not enough taught about sexuality, the body and gender - it is a moral and biblical issue. If Christian families taught children about sex ahead of time it would prevent a lot sexual abuse in these areas and non-religious areas where a child can be taken advantage of. And also there is the fact that not only is it not taught in a lot of Christian homes but kind of made a secret, even saying the name penis or vagina is right up there with other mortal sins which is ridiculous and harmful. But if we were able to tell people about gender dysphoria and homosexuality and tell them it is no natural or okay but that doesn't mean these people are evil and that it is just another sin that is a lot harder to conquer than others it would make things a lot easier. It would have also allowed Paul to be open to talking to these pastors about this and maybe get some help on how to approach this from a biblical and psychological matter - because we need to remember that body dysphoria is a mental disorder and for some reason the only one that is praise and encouraged to embrace instead of heal. There needs to be a balanced understand of the mentality of someone while make sure to remain the purity of the holy spirit inside of them. It made me sad when Paul disclosed that he was unable to talk to anyone about this , and because he was taught nothing, was also able to naively pull down his pants for the pastor in charge without question and be taken advantage of.

The little Good thing so far is in Chapter 5 It's the beginning of inertial love, A relationship that was designed for us by God to have as a gift. Finding that person you will spend the rest of your life with which I genuinely enjoyed for two reasons. One there was the most adorable kiss that was written in a way that was still romantic, but it was just two soft kisses nothing that was going to make them feel guilty or God would have a problem with. And they both knew that they wanted to marry one another. I think that's beyond beautiful. but there was also the definition of Love (not biblically but still good) Paul's wife says "saying I love you to someone is the equivalent (a few steps short of ) saying I do." The reason why his wife was so slow to say I love you was because she had grown up knowing that I love you meant marriage and wasn't to be taken lightly. I loved that and I think it is something that everyone should think about it.
The second reason why I enjoyed this was because it was humanizing. There are people who claim to be Christians but are mean and hateful once they know your sin the biggest one being homosexuality+. (although homosexuality and LGBTQ is wrong - just to be clear). And they might be trying to help in their own deluded way, but it is harmful and sinful for them to this and I think this chapter shows that this man/ woman is a human being, with feelings and has done some things right - like finding the right girl and waiting until marriage and truly falling in love with someone. And I think this needs to be emphasized more that people are not their sins, they're their hearts, that's why God judges us based on our hearts and not our works, if that was the case non of us would make it - Jesus died for us so we could have a chance.

Kathy's reaction to Paul's news:
I agree with her reaction, she she loves her husband and say's I love you and that it is okay - but I wonder how he worded this news to her. Did he say in a way that implied he was going to pray about it and try to fix this issue or if he said that he was still on the fence to figure out how he was going to go about it - which would result in a transition. Because that says a lot and is a lot to think about As a woman with a man who is ungodly and may have proven himself to be unteachable.

It annoys me that never once does Paul pray to God for genuine help. Not for it to go away but to learn to live with this and find a way to make it better for him, subsiding the urge asking to be reborn so that he doesn't have to deal with this - he just asks for it to go away and always wakes up using the Lord's name in vein before waking up "oh God i am in the wrong body".

"I WILL NOT GIVE UP TH YEARS OF FATHERHOOD FOR ANYTHING!" This is what Paul is saying as he signs his book as a 'woman'. Implying that fatherhood expires when his children hit that life changing age of 18. This is the best example of delusion driven by emotion, which are irrational and unreliable in any human being. He gave up his years of fatherhood for selfish and diluted reasons and doesn't even know it.

Paula also describes what it is to be a woman and itching at Gender pay gaps and pink tax which is fine but it was very irritating to read through the 'realizations' he is having for why women take so long to get ready and that women have to work and be a mothers and how it is two full time jobs; implying that no man can truly recognize this injustice unless they themselves experience a life through a woman's eyes for a day which is far from the truth. He grew up in a home where he was pampered to be the 'man' and be special and more important because he is a he - bringing forth this toxic masculine thoughts that are nothing more than just him being able to see the other side and realize women aren't' invisible and helpless. He was humbled, but becoming humble has nothing to do with changing your gender - you don't need to change your gender to be humbled. I find that when people are struggling with things like their sexuality a lot of things are morphed together so every new experience or lack therefore is because of the gender one way or another when that simply isn't true. It also annoys me that the aspect of being a woman in Paula's eyes is very vain and stereotypical. Like we are all Barbie girls who can never wear the same piece of clothing twice, women's pants are so tight and will be unwearable after gaining two pounds ect. This is a typical viewpoint of women from a man's perspective. (this chapter is in reference to chapter 6)

There is the shared logic that denying your spirit is denying you, but he also says that the experience of a bad religion which is the main problem of this world can be fixed with the experience of a good religion (I assume is is referring to solid biblical doctrine). This was sad to hear because even though Paul acknowledged good religion, he hasn't sought out good religion, instead he went to "knowing his truth and no longer denying his spirit." but it is his bodily desires that is that is being mistaken for his soul or his spirit. Had he sought out sound doctrine he would have been able to see just that. Worship God is the denying of oneself for the sake of the will of the father - THAT is Christianity, which sounds very depressing if you do not know doctrine. We deny ourselves bodily desires that are sinful because we know that this is a sinful place and that things that feel good doesn't' mean that they are good. (obviously there are good things that are good though). But God's will is for us to prosper in a perfect world with Him for eternity, not prosper in a sinful world that is temporary.

"I never thought my gender dysphoria would cause marital issues" (WHAT?) It annoyed me, I know that this is a learning curve for this man, BUT there needs to be some common sense, and the shift in values is totally backwards. He didn't want to get divorced because it was against his values and how he had been raised up, but for some reason the thought of altering his gender was not one of those values he was going to talk himself out of?

There is a point near the end of teh seventh chapter where Paul quptes from somewhere saying "is this decission going to make my life hardeer or easier." And I beleive he compares meignness against happiness in life. and explains that rarely do the two meet. I find this to be true, but he implies that it is impossible. there is happiness in meaning when you find a holy meaning which is Christ - and ti may sound difficult but he is forgetting the key element which is salvation, thorugh salvation we are reborn and we are given new hearts that literally changes us. This is basic stuff and as I type and think about it further, it speaks to the false perspective and lack of understanding and true relationship this man ever had with Christ. I am not sayign that through faith you will be wealthy and happy, but through faith your life, your happiness and your sufferign will all have meaning and the sufferign will not be as drastic as people think becuase we know that this is all TEMPORARY . I would really like to hear one of his sermons before transitioning and will look it up to see if my suspisions are correct.

The chapter is labeled call to deny (😎, I am nto even halfway through the chapter and it has got me thinkign again, mainly becuase this perspective of marriage makes the entire concept of marriage meaningless. Esentially it is said that to have a chance to fix this marriage they need to be open to ending it. And Paul[a] explains that durign the 'transiton mindset' they were getting along but the dynamic had changed from romantically involved to friends. I havent' finished the chapter but I would assume that becuase it is emphasized that they met the 1% that made it this far into counciling, paul and his wife end up divorcing but only AFTER they have tried every single option. There are some matters were a couple does need to divorce and in this case I give mad props to Kathy for sticking it out as long as she did. I woudl personally like to see the side fo the wife and ehr thoughts on this as she watches her marriage deteriorate becuase her husband is now a 'woman'. But Paul[a]'s example made me think of Will Smith who also has a meaningless marriage (by that I mean their marriage that is meant to be a sacred and sexual/monogomous relationhip between one man and one woman and is not that and therefore meaningless), because of his thought process that justifies their newly open relationship. Will says "I [we] was/were free after realizing (through marital counciling) that it is my job to make me happy, and her job to make her happy and then we can come together happy."

check YT for rest of review.

[Kate Nelson · Rating 4 out of 5]

3.5 stars. I thought this was a well-written and compelling account of the author’s journey as a transgender woman. Her pain in rejection by the evangelical Christian church was real, as were her accounts of her faith now. That perspective was extremely unique and I’m glad I read it.

My harshest critique with this book is that it is extremely binary. Especially in a book published in 2021, I expected at least acknowledgement (and really content surrounding) that nonbinary people exist, that not all trans people transition physically, that transition isn’t so easy as a “before” and “after.”

[Abigail (abigailsbookself) · Rating 4 out of 5]

Before I say anything about my personal feelings about this memoir, let me address the top complaint in the other reviews (and in reviews of anything by trans women in general). Stop making trans women responsible for destroying the binary. Cisgender people uphold and enforce the gender binary every day - and y’all aren’t in the comments of celebrities or other women attacking them for upholding and perpetuating the gender binary so how about y’all climb up outta trans Women’s comment sections?? Seriously, it’s TERFy. Cis people do way more harm to people via the binary (they invented it?!) with the toy section in Walmart than Paula is doing by making generalizing statements about gender in her memoir. Seriously, y’all can choke. Leave transwomen alone. A lot of reviewers also like to comment on how Paula (and other trans women) comment on negative aspects of women (Paula comments on women not empowering one another and feeling as much if not more hostility from women than men) but there’s radio silence (or outright “tell ‘em girl!” praise) when ciswomen do this?? Stop holding transwomen to standards that you don’t hold ciswomen to. Seriously. Play fair or fuck off. Every time you feel yourself having a complaint about transwomen, ask yourself if you would attack a cis woman for the same idea, comment, or behavior. If the answer is no, shut the fuck up and take a moment for quiet reflection. If the answer is yes, then go forward by all means. But stop making things a transwomen problem when they’re actually a woman (or even people) problem.

Now onto my thoughts about this memoir. I don’t usually read memoirs and certainly not memoirs by self-proclaimed (much less proud) Christians but I really enjoyed this. Paula, while including her beliefs, never came off as preachy or righteous to me, and I think if I had more mentors in the church I grew up in like Paula, I wouldn’t have such animosity towards it now. I really respected how Paula continually mentioned her privilege in growing up being treated as a white straight male and wrote with a lot of humility about her tough learning moments as she began to be recognized as a woman. I think that’s a point that a lot of TERFs get caught on, and if they would read works like this with a little less anger and righteousness and a lot more humility and love, they would realize how truly fucking stupid they sound all the time. I also think it’s important that feminists of all walks listen to Paula’s words about the conflicts she noticed that exist between women - this competition we think we all have to be in because we believe there isn’t enough room for all of us (despite us never questioning how much room there is for men). Women have been actively divided by men for centuries and they’ve done it so well that they barely have to do it themselves anymore because we do it for them. It’s an atrocious inheritance and I think it’s great that women like Paula are brave enough to point it out. Until we can agree to work together, to accept womanhood in all its varieties and forms, to empathize with the struggles of women who do not look like us or who did not grow up like us, the patriarchy will continue to stomp on us.

This was a really moving and enlightening book for me. I related a lot to Paula’s relationship with her mother and reading about it helped to plaster over some the cracks I carry around in my heart. I’m very grateful to Paula for having written this book.

[Kristin Eoff · Rating 3 out of 5]

I read this book because I had enjoyed of the author's TED talks. I must admit, however, that I skimmed a good portion of this book because it was full of a lot of details about Williams' church jobs that I found really boring. I think the most fascinating parts were about Williams' experiences as a woman, but most of the book was about her life before and during her transition. I found it interesting and validating that she has noticed so many ways women are devalued and dismissed in their daily lives because of sexism, but as she points out, women already know this. It's sad that among most men, only one who has transitioned to being a woman can recognize this.

[Lisa Mueller · Rating 2 out of 5]

I picked up this book without a second thought - a transgender woman who decided to transition late in life seemed like a good story to tell. While Paula has a few good points, lots of this book is very “men are this way and women are this way.” Without even mentioning that the patriarchy has something to with it, and while maintaining an extremely binary viewpoint of men and women. She also says that she wishes trans people didn’t exist because it is so difficult, but fails to explore the idea that society has made life this difficult for them. If society could create welcoming pathways for trans people, the world would be better. Instead of wishing away diversity. She also talks about how she wishes wearing men’s pants and shoes, but like you can still wear them! As a woman myself, I wear men’s clothes all the time.

I think that while she has good intentions with this book and her views of gender, she still has a lot of learning to do that needed to be done before publishing this book. She also discusses a lot about how men make assumptions about women’s competence and tend to man-splain things to women. And then turns around and does it to other women! She is also constantly mentioning how she does ted talks and the videos get thousands of views. As the reader, it was really quite annoying.

She also discusses how women only put down other women and it all felt very icky. Again, no nuance in exploring these ideas and societal standards. Overall I would say that this book is not worth the read.

[Robin · Rating 4 out of 5]

3.5 stars.

I was really excited to read this, but ended up a little disappointed by this memoir, mostly because the first half dragged a lot and wasn't as engaging as I'd like. I absolutely adored her TED talk, but I think all the best information was in the TED talk, so I'd say skip this and watch her talks instead. She has wonderful insight in the treatment of men vs women (which you can find in her talks) which was the highlight of this book for me.

I really appreciated her talking about how much privilege she had as a white man, and how she didn't realize the full extent of her privilege until AFTER her transition.

[Zach Brozowski · Rating 4 out of 5]

I believe most men would benefit from reading the third part of this. I had a few conversations about the privileges I take for granted and think I learned a few things I should look out for as a white male.

I should have expected all of the talk related to religion given the author's background. Unfortunately I feel like the title should have been "What I learned about Religion, Sex, the Patriarchy and Power" in that order as those seem to be main focus of the book.

Still really enjoyed it! Will watch her TED talks next!

[Bri]

This memoir was a fantastic read! Paula Stone Williams writes about her life as a transgender woman, her struggles, successes, and the differences and inequalities of men and women. A perspective that was super interesting to learn about. Totally recommend putting this on your TBR list!

[L E · Rating 4 out of 5]

Thank you Goodreads, author and publisher for the free advanced copy.
I have been wanting to read a book by a transgender woman about her journey, what it was like presenting as a man versus a woman regarding how society treated her. Very interesting and validating.