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Chasing after Wind: A Pastor's Life
One pastor’s journey from idealism, through disillusionment, to an acceptance of grace After forty years as a Presbyterian pastor, Douglas Brouwer wondered if he had spent his life, as the author of Ecclesiastes laments, “chasing after wind.” What did all the hard work on evenings and weekends and holidays, away from his family, amount to? What was there to make of the long string of petty conflicts and the overwhelming feeling of disillusionment? And in the current age of shrinking mainline churches, what could he point to as the end result of his decades in ministry? Chasing after Wind will resonate with pastors everywhere who went into ministry to do lifechanging work for God and ended up spending most of their time managing the parking situation outside the church, fielding parishioner complaints about the color of the sanctuary carpet (or, in Brouwer’s case, the color of his shoes), and endlessly fundraising for mission projects and building maintenance. In telling his story, Brouwer comes to recognize that the most meaningful parts of his career—the “holy bits,” as he calls them—were in unexpected moments where everything was stripped away but the mysterious work of God. Recounting these times of curious joy and shared mourning, he demonstrates how a pastor can find grace and peace in looking back on a life in ministry.
- GenresNonfictionReligion
238 pages, Paperback
Published March 1, 2022
2 people are currently reading
811 people want to read
About the author
Douglas J. Brouwer
9 books7 followersFor 45 years Douglas Brouwer has been a Presbyterian pastor. He served churches in Wheaton, Illinois, Ann Arbor, Michigan, and Fort Lauderdale, Florida. Before his retirement, he served as pastor of an international congregation in Zürich, Switzerland.
Doug is also the author of eight books, including his most recent book, The Traveler's Path, a reflection on travel and the ways travel sometimes changes us.
Beginning with childhood road trips with his family, Doug has traveled throughout his life. He has led mission trips, pilgrimages, and study tours to countries around the world, and in recent years he has discovered the joys and challenges of walking solo along the various Camino paths in Spain and Portugal. He has returned twice to Europe to serve as an interim pastor to international congregations, once in Lucerne, Switzerland, and most recently in The Hague, the Netherlands.
A few of his previous books include Chasing After Wind: A Pastor’s Life, Remembering the Faith: What Christians Believe, How to Become A Multicultural Church, What Am I Supposed to Do With My Life?, Beyond I Do: What Christians Believe about Marriage, and The Truth About Who We Are: A Letter to My Grandchildren. He is a frequent contributor to publications such the Reformed Journal and Englewood Review of Books.
Doug received his undergraduate degree from Calvin University (formerly Calvin College) and his Master of Divinity and Doctor of Ministry degrees from Princeton Theological Seminary.
Doug is also the author of eight books, including his most recent book, The Traveler's Path, a reflection on travel and the ways travel sometimes changes us.
Beginning with childhood road trips with his family, Doug has traveled throughout his life. He has led mission trips, pilgrimages, and study tours to countries around the world, and in recent years he has discovered the joys and challenges of walking solo along the various Camino paths in Spain and Portugal. He has returned twice to Europe to serve as an interim pastor to international congregations, once in Lucerne, Switzerland, and most recently in The Hague, the Netherlands.
A few of his previous books include Chasing After Wind: A Pastor’s Life, Remembering the Faith: What Christians Believe, How to Become A Multicultural Church, What Am I Supposed to Do With My Life?, Beyond I Do: What Christians Believe about Marriage, and The Truth About Who We Are: A Letter to My Grandchildren. He is a frequent contributor to publications such the Reformed Journal and Englewood Review of Books.
Doug received his undergraduate degree from Calvin University (formerly Calvin College) and his Master of Divinity and Doctor of Ministry degrees from Princeton Theological Seminary.
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Displaying 1 - 11 of 11 reviews
March 16, 2022
What does it mean to be a minister or pastor? Is it a career, like any other career? Or is it a vocation, a calling, that is unique and different? Each of us who has spent time in the ministry of the church probably answers this question differently. There was a time, back in the 1960s and 1970s when in some corners of the American church, ministry was deemed a profession, just like medicine or law. Denominations began the process of not only ordaining but certifying people. Commissions on ministry developed standards and expected clergy to fulfill those expectations. The expectations and certifications are still present among mainline Protestants, but we talk as much about being part of a profession. That seems too presumptuous of us since we're called to be servants of the church.
Clergy memoirs are interesting reading, at least for those of us who are clergy. They're usually written late in one's ministry or after retirement. Chasing after Wind is one of those memoirs written post-retirement by Douglas Brouwer, a retired Presbyterian (PCUSA) pastor. It is in a sense an attempt to take stock of his career/vocation. He confesses throughout the book that he looked upon these two words as at times synonymous and at times different. He confesses at points that he often saw his ministry in career terms. He speaks of ambition and desire to become important. Part of that is rooted in his personality, growing up in a Dutch Reformed community that emphasized hard work and pursuit of success. While he left behind that context, having grown up Christian Reformed, he took that vision into his ministry in the Presbyterian Church. That vision was reinforced by his seminary training at Princeton, where he was told that there would always be a place in the ministry of the church for those who were good at their job. The goal was to become the pastor of a large and important congregation. Thus, begins the rest of the story of this pursuit of excellence and success.
We follow him from childhood through college to seminary, and then on to ministry. He didn't see ministry as his primary calling when he went to Princeton. He thought he would end up in publishing as he enjoyed writing and editing, and was proficient at it (as demonstrated in this memoir). It was only near the end of his seminary career, when he had to take an internship in a church that he finally discerned a call. That call was confirmed in his first post-seminary ministry opportunity as the associate in a large Presbyterian church with a senior pastor interested in guiding him along the path toward success. We learn about these experiences. From there, he moved on to bigger opportunities in churches where he was able to build and sometimes reclaim congregations that were needing guidance. Not all of these experiences were positive or pleasant, but he was committed to this career, even if some of the moves ended up being lateral ones. He confesses that his commitment to being successful led him to refrain from taking controversial positions on matters such as LGBTQ inclusion. He has remorse for this, but understands that to do so might have undermined his success.
This is the story of ambition and success. There is in the end a certain sense of guilt or remorse for this. He recognizes, to an extent, that he looked down on those who didn't follow his path. The goal set before him was to become the pastor of a large church. That is the measure of success. As one who has spent an entire ministry in small churches, at times I felt very small reading the book. Then again, I didn't spend 60 to 80 hours a week on the job. I did take my full vacations and even two sabbaticals. In other words, I didn't pursue success in the same way. But as I read to the end, he seems to regret the path he took.
I don't want to say too much about the book so as to spoil the surprises. It is a good read and a helpful one. It speaks to disillusionment with the church, especially with the institutionalization of the church. Many of us have had the same experience, and my denomination isn't nearly as institutionalized as the Presbyterians.
As a recently retired pastor, who still enjoys preaching and teaching, along with writing, I identified with his journey. I didn't take the path of success he did, but I too felt the pressure to be more. A book like this gives those of us who are clergy the opportunity to look at the nature of our ministry lives. Younger clergy will benefit if they can see this as a call to stay off the treadmill. Retired ones like me can look back and take stock of things. There will be things we regret and things we treasure. For non-clergy, this could give insight into the clergy life, and may help congregations better support their ministers.
Clergy memoirs are interesting reading, at least for those of us who are clergy. They're usually written late in one's ministry or after retirement. Chasing after Wind is one of those memoirs written post-retirement by Douglas Brouwer, a retired Presbyterian (PCUSA) pastor. It is in a sense an attempt to take stock of his career/vocation. He confesses throughout the book that he looked upon these two words as at times synonymous and at times different. He confesses at points that he often saw his ministry in career terms. He speaks of ambition and desire to become important. Part of that is rooted in his personality, growing up in a Dutch Reformed community that emphasized hard work and pursuit of success. While he left behind that context, having grown up Christian Reformed, he took that vision into his ministry in the Presbyterian Church. That vision was reinforced by his seminary training at Princeton, where he was told that there would always be a place in the ministry of the church for those who were good at their job. The goal was to become the pastor of a large and important congregation. Thus, begins the rest of the story of this pursuit of excellence and success.
We follow him from childhood through college to seminary, and then on to ministry. He didn't see ministry as his primary calling when he went to Princeton. He thought he would end up in publishing as he enjoyed writing and editing, and was proficient at it (as demonstrated in this memoir). It was only near the end of his seminary career, when he had to take an internship in a church that he finally discerned a call. That call was confirmed in his first post-seminary ministry opportunity as the associate in a large Presbyterian church with a senior pastor interested in guiding him along the path toward success. We learn about these experiences. From there, he moved on to bigger opportunities in churches where he was able to build and sometimes reclaim congregations that were needing guidance. Not all of these experiences were positive or pleasant, but he was committed to this career, even if some of the moves ended up being lateral ones. He confesses that his commitment to being successful led him to refrain from taking controversial positions on matters such as LGBTQ inclusion. He has remorse for this, but understands that to do so might have undermined his success.
This is the story of ambition and success. There is in the end a certain sense of guilt or remorse for this. He recognizes, to an extent, that he looked down on those who didn't follow his path. The goal set before him was to become the pastor of a large church. That is the measure of success. As one who has spent an entire ministry in small churches, at times I felt very small reading the book. Then again, I didn't spend 60 to 80 hours a week on the job. I did take my full vacations and even two sabbaticals. In other words, I didn't pursue success in the same way. But as I read to the end, he seems to regret the path he took.
I don't want to say too much about the book so as to spoil the surprises. It is a good read and a helpful one. It speaks to disillusionment with the church, especially with the institutionalization of the church. Many of us have had the same experience, and my denomination isn't nearly as institutionalized as the Presbyterians.
As a recently retired pastor, who still enjoys preaching and teaching, along with writing, I identified with his journey. I didn't take the path of success he did, but I too felt the pressure to be more. A book like this gives those of us who are clergy the opportunity to look at the nature of our ministry lives. Younger clergy will benefit if they can see this as a call to stay off the treadmill. Retired ones like me can look back and take stock of things. There will be things we regret and things we treasure. For non-clergy, this could give insight into the clergy life, and may help congregations better support their ministers.
December 12, 2022
In some ways, perhaps many ways, this is a well-written memoir. As a Presbyterian pastor myself, I was very curious to hear the perspective of a freshly retired colleague. I’m even familiar with the context of his early childhood. But in many ways, his story is, at least thus far, foreign to me. His story is mostly that of regret. There were things he could be grateful for. But it sounded like a lot of bitterness or at least sadness. And yet for all his confidence in the justice of his (frequently hidden) progressive convictions, it’s strange that there’s absolutely no reflection on what correlation (or causation) there might be between his mainline liberal program and the mission drift and decline he describes. There are mentions of grace and they are poignant and even powerful. But there is very little Gospel, very little Jesus in his story. Though I am a Presbyterian pastor who can sympathize with some of thing similarities on the edges of his story, it is largely completely foreign to me. I am also young in ministry. At least I hope. 11 years in the pastorate and not yet 40. I hope I can learn from his story and hear some very real warnings here. The real benefit of his regret is that he doesn’t think the careerism and building obsession and congregational delusion and dysfunction is fine. He regrets it. And listening to those regrets might provide some wisdom for a fool like me. I am grateful for the reminder even if so many of the convictions that seem so important to me, I do not have them for myself.
October 5, 2022
The writing style of this book is somewhere between 'good' and 'great.' It is very easy to read.
The anecdotes/vignettes often felt disjointed. One would follow after the other, and no clear connection between them (other than the chronological proximity of their occurrence) was made.
The most difficult part of this book was reading of Brouwer's obvious disdain for the church body he grew up in. A church body he says he "escaped." I am not CRC, but I have conservative and confessional commitments that made it feel like this book was a final airing of grievances against people like me.
The book contains much wisdom. It is often humorous, and it is breathtakingly honest. (For example, he says the CRC is a 'sect' and he 'escaped' from them. I don't like that language at all, but it's honest, and that is to his credit).
As a pastor myself, I also often find myself "chasing after wind" (or wondering if that is what my life amounts to). I'm NOT comfortable with Brouwer's assertion that it is. But that's because I trust that God is working through me. It might feel like chasing after wind, but I know the Lord's promises, and His work is NOT a chasing after wind.
This book's best chapter was chapter 14 "The Holy Bits." I wish the whole book were a reflection like this one.
On page 104, Brouwer says, "My happiest days of ministry were those when a capable administrator handled the day-to-day management of buildings and staff and computers. I was happy to let all of it go, so that I could focus on—but that's just it, isn't it? What is it that a pastor is supposed to be doing? I could get rid of tasks that I didn't like, but even now I couldn't say exactly what I should have been doing instead."
This book reads like the memoir of a pastor who never knew "exactly what I should have been doing?"
In the end, I suspect this is why this book has so few reflections on Jesus Christ and HIS presence and work and power in Brouwer's ministry.
The anecdotes/vignettes often felt disjointed. One would follow after the other, and no clear connection between them (other than the chronological proximity of their occurrence) was made.
The most difficult part of this book was reading of Brouwer's obvious disdain for the church body he grew up in. A church body he says he "escaped." I am not CRC, but I have conservative and confessional commitments that made it feel like this book was a final airing of grievances against people like me.
The book contains much wisdom. It is often humorous, and it is breathtakingly honest. (For example, he says the CRC is a 'sect' and he 'escaped' from them. I don't like that language at all, but it's honest, and that is to his credit).
As a pastor myself, I also often find myself "chasing after wind" (or wondering if that is what my life amounts to). I'm NOT comfortable with Brouwer's assertion that it is. But that's because I trust that God is working through me. It might feel like chasing after wind, but I know the Lord's promises, and His work is NOT a chasing after wind.
This book's best chapter was chapter 14 "The Holy Bits." I wish the whole book were a reflection like this one.
On page 104, Brouwer says, "My happiest days of ministry were those when a capable administrator handled the day-to-day management of buildings and staff and computers. I was happy to let all of it go, so that I could focus on—but that's just it, isn't it? What is it that a pastor is supposed to be doing? I could get rid of tasks that I didn't like, but even now I couldn't say exactly what I should have been doing instead."
This book reads like the memoir of a pastor who never knew "exactly what I should have been doing?"
In the end, I suspect this is why this book has so few reflections on Jesus Christ and HIS presence and work and power in Brouwer's ministry.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
July 20, 2022
My immediate reaction when I finished this book was, "this is a terrible book!" I wanted to read it. Listening to the experience of pastors, both positive and negative, is important for me. But I hope a not unkind summary of the book is that after around 200 pages of tracing his life from childhood through his education at Calvin College and Princeton seminary and then through a series of large and influential Presbyterian churches, the author's conclusion about his ministry life was pretty much it was "chasing after the wind." That "soon after my ordination, I lost my way. I got caught up in my career and nearly always followed my ambition more than my call." Of course, it is perhaps a good thing to be able to "own" that but I have two objections. First, he takes about 200 pages to tell us about how he went to large and influential churches. This is recounted with almost no indication of both inward and outward indications along the way that he might be on the wrong path. We primarily see his ministry life as it moves to greater and greater "success." Second, at the very end of the book, he blames Princeton Seminary and the Presbyterian Church for his chosen path while taking only limited responsibility for his own decision to pursue his "careerism." This book is certainly a warning against the American perspective on "pastoral success' but it could have been told in a way that the warning cold have been much more effective.
January 3, 2026
As a pastor in a mainline tradition, and even a fellow graduate of Princeton Seminary, I found much to appreciate in Brower's memoir; however, as an evangelical, I was also frustrated. Brouwer often castigates himself for his white male heterosexual privilege, but only occasionally alludes to his more noteworthy privileges of education, large churches, international travel, and huge salaries. Brouwer laments his failure to advocate for the "silenced" LGBTQIA+ community, but the larger silence in his book is his own faith. Other than the moving story of his initial experience of grace, he says next to nothing about his own relationship with God. Perhaps it's not fair for an evangelical Methodist to decry a progressive Presbyterian's reticence to share about his personal faith. I appreciate Brouwer's assessment that his career/vocation was merely "chasing after wind" as he was driven by ambition and oiling the decaying mainline ecclesial machine; he regrets not championing smaller family-like churches (the kind I've pastored) or seeking a different paradigm than reclaiming what the mainline lost, and, in retirement, he's found his pastoral identity to be a mask. I found his honesty about these things refreshing, but I pray he continues moving further into a vibrant relationship with the Lord of the Church. After all, Qoheleth himself (or his editor) moved from the emptiness of human endeavor to finding purpose in relating to his Creator (Eccl. 12:1, 13-14).
August 17, 2022
This book was recommended to me by the author. We met at a writer's conference about 6 months several months before the book was published.
I found this book fascinating. We grew up in the same city and frequented some of the same places. This book was an examination of the choices he made, why, and how they didn't always turn out the way he expected. That is a universal theme that I think anyone can relate to. The first, and most significant choice, was to pursue his Master's Degree at Princeton instead of the local seminary. This meant he had to officially leave the Christian Reformed Church he grew up in and adopt, his newly chosen, Presbyterian life. As he moved from one church to another, not everything was quite as he expected. He handled each church with care, and learned something valuable in each congregation.
I enjoyed reading about his life and saw many parallels to mine. Thank you, Doug.
I found this book fascinating. We grew up in the same city and frequented some of the same places. This book was an examination of the choices he made, why, and how they didn't always turn out the way he expected. That is a universal theme that I think anyone can relate to. The first, and most significant choice, was to pursue his Master's Degree at Princeton instead of the local seminary. This meant he had to officially leave the Christian Reformed Church he grew up in and adopt, his newly chosen, Presbyterian life. As he moved from one church to another, not everything was quite as he expected. He handled each church with care, and learned something valuable in each congregation.
I enjoyed reading about his life and saw many parallels to mine. Thank you, Doug.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
June 6, 2022
An accurate title would be Memoir of a Liberal Baby Boomer Presbyterian Pastor. The red flags were in the forward. But I had already borrowed it, using 1 of my 5 monthly digital borrows through my local library. So I read it. He graduated from Princeton Seminary and spent four decades in ministry despite not recognizing the reliability of Scripture.
June 7, 2022
Pastor Douglas Brouwer wrote a post on the 12Blog which I read daily. This led me to his memoir which I purchased as a Kindle app through Amazon for my iphone. It was a wonderful read--an honest account of his work as a pastor. I am thankful for those who pastor us and for the "holy bits' of life he writes about.
September 28, 2022
This is the story of a Presbyterian pastor's 40 years in church ministry. As a recently retired Presbyterian pastor myself, I can attest that this is a very honest account of what it is like to be a pastor these days.
April 13, 2022
I received this as a giveaway. It was only mildly interesting to me, but I think his target audience is other pastors, which I am not.
September 7, 2024
What a beautiful memoir of pastoral ministry. Doug was my pastor and our journeys have some parallels. Beautifully written. It brought tears to my eyes.
Displaying 1 - 11 of 11 reviews