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All the Ways Our Dead Still Speak: A Funeral Director on Life, Death, and the Hereafter
What if our dead remain with us? What if closure is not the goal? No matter what you believe about the afterlife, what if the hereafter intersects with the here and now? Caleb Wilde, author of the acclaimed memoir Confessions of a Funeral Director , was a skeptic. The baffling stories people told him--deathbed visions of long-dead parents, visits from the other side--must be hallucinations or wishful thinking, he thought. But the more stories he heard, and the more he learned about non-Western understandings of body and spirit, the less sure he was. All the Ways Our Dead Still Speak takes readers on a lyrical and tender quest to encounter the hereafter. As Wilde picks up bodies, organizes funerals, and meets with grieving families in a small town in Pennsylvania, those who remain share with him--and us--what they experience in the thin places between life and death. Entwining these stories with his own as a sixth-generation funeral director, and with the findings of neuroscience and the solace of faith, Wilde creates a searching, reverent inquiry into all the ways our dead remain with us. In the process, he takes on prevailing dogmas about from a narrow Christian view of heaven and hell, to secular assumptions that death is the end, to pop-psychology maxims that say we all need "closure" after our loved ones die. The dead don't have to be buried twice, once in the ground and again in our hearts. In the pages of this unforgettable book, learn how love and memory and mystery fuse this world to the next.
208 pages, Hardcover
Published May 24, 2022
55 people are currently reading
804 people want to read
About the author
Caleb Wilde
4 books68 followersCaleb Wilde is a partner at his family’s business, Wilde Funeral Home, in Parkesburg, Pennsylvania, where he lives. He writes the popular blog Confessions of a Funeral Director and recently completed postgraduate work at Winchester University, England, in the program, “Death, Religion and Culture.” He has been featured in top media outlets, including The Huffington Post, The Atlantic, and TIME magazine, and on NPR, NBC, and ABC’s 20/20.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 57 reviews
September 11, 2022
The title of this book is incredibly misleading. I assumed based on the title and description that this book would be stories/experiences of the author and his clients in which the dead ‘speak’. However, the book is basically about how the author doesn’t want to be a funeral director anymore and his justification for it, along with a heavy dose of white guilt in the middle. He mentions at least once a chapter how he is the 6th generation funeral director in his family so be prepared to read that a lot. The couple of stories about his clients were the only good parts and I wish the rest of the book was like that, because I think I would have enjoyed it a lot more. This book was very dry, boring and hard to get through. I only finished it because it was relatively short and I hate not finishing things I start. But I would not recommend this book at all.
January 14, 2022
When I worked at a nonprofit with clients who had lost loved ones tragically, I heard many stories about premonitions, visitations, and mystical experiences. So as soon as I saw this title, I grabbed it and I'm so glad I did. The author, a funeral director, writes beautifully about his clients' stories -- so similar to what I'd heard -- which affirm the hopeful message: Love continues beyond the grave. Highly highly recommended!
Thanks to the author, Broadleaf Books, and Edelweiss for the ARC; opinions are mine.
Thanks to the author, Broadleaf Books, and Edelweiss for the ARC; opinions are mine.
October 9, 2022
I have agonized over rating this book. A therapist might have told the author that he should put his thoughts on paper and this is the result. I'm sure the writing was cathartic for the author. (I am a therapist and have told clients to write down their thoughts and feelings for future discussion together.) However, at times, I thought he gave too much information. This book was incredibly redundant. Telling me how many generations on the Wilde and the Brown sides of the family were in the mortuary business twice would have been enough.
I could appreciate the author's musings and thought we were on a journey together. I thought the book's purpose was to herald our ancestors are always with us. Coming from his perspective, that would be something to listen to. However, that was not his goal at all. About mid-way through the book, the author lost me. He turned preachy. How dare the author talk about reparations to other ethnic groups? Who is he to set himself up as an arbiter of what is right and wrong with people?
I think the way the book's blurb sells the book is dishonest. It sells the book as a way to learn more about our loved ones who have died -- and our continued connections. In reality, it is the story of a man questioning his career in the mortuary business.
I could appreciate the author's musings and thought we were on a journey together. I thought the book's purpose was to herald our ancestors are always with us. Coming from his perspective, that would be something to listen to. However, that was not his goal at all. About mid-way through the book, the author lost me. He turned preachy. How dare the author talk about reparations to other ethnic groups? Who is he to set himself up as an arbiter of what is right and wrong with people?
I think the way the book's blurb sells the book is dishonest. It sells the book as a way to learn more about our loved ones who have died -- and our continued connections. In reality, it is the story of a man questioning his career in the mortuary business.
November 14, 2023
I enjoyed the first third of this book. And then, for me, the real book Caleb Wilde was writing started. The chapter titled "The Beginning Is Listening" put it right past scrape-the-surface territory and into the depths.
He writes about having attended many many funerals of white people, but at 16 "worked" his first funeral at the community's Black AME church. He tells the truth. "White funerals are subdued, mainly because we like our rituals to be like the god we've created: unemotional, disconnected. Public emotion is not only seen as a weakness for white people; it's scarier than a gallon of skim milk a day after its expiration. We're afraid of grief." Then he dissects how "celebration of life" ceremonies ask us to paint grief with a smile. He doesn't dismiss this approach except to say it shouldn't be used to shame public displays of grief. He writes, "When the people at Mt. Zion sing during a funeral service, it feels to me like they're inviting all generation of their ancestors to join.... They're letting out generational grief that comes from a thousand voices." He goes on to write, at length, about what it means to be a white man in today's world and how the cult of individualism takes away the beauty and power of collaborative effort. "If we believed that our value is derived by making communities better, we would like have an entirely different world."
He also writes about the way our death practices distance us from the comfort, scriptural and biological, of returning dust to dust. "Buried beneath a typical ten-acre American cemetery is enough wood to build forty houses. There are twenty thousand tons of concrete from the vaults, more than nine hundred tons of casket steels, and enough embalming fluid to fill a small swimming pool."
This author is in the process of getting a doctorate in theology. Here's a passage that really speaks to me. "Christianity claims that God is a plural self: that God is three in one. Perhaps the three-in-one trinitarian view of God acts as the template for how we can understand ourselves. If we're made in God's image, we can't think of ourselves in any other way than a plural self: interconnected to those we love in the present as well as those we love in the past and the future. Some people talk about the trinity like it's some mystery of the Christian faith. But it's only a mystery for people who see individualism in everything they look at. Is God one person or three persons? The answer is yes. It's the same in you and it's the same in me. Are you one person or many. Yes. You are the one and the many."
This is a book about so many things, including his own spiritual trek. He writes "closure is a myth." This author has courage in speaking truth to the death industry, but more importantly, to a culture that denies death. He's on a journey of learning and exploring meaning. I can't wait to read his next book.
He writes about having attended many many funerals of white people, but at 16 "worked" his first funeral at the community's Black AME church. He tells the truth. "White funerals are subdued, mainly because we like our rituals to be like the god we've created: unemotional, disconnected. Public emotion is not only seen as a weakness for white people; it's scarier than a gallon of skim milk a day after its expiration. We're afraid of grief." Then he dissects how "celebration of life" ceremonies ask us to paint grief with a smile. He doesn't dismiss this approach except to say it shouldn't be used to shame public displays of grief. He writes, "When the people at Mt. Zion sing during a funeral service, it feels to me like they're inviting all generation of their ancestors to join.... They're letting out generational grief that comes from a thousand voices." He goes on to write, at length, about what it means to be a white man in today's world and how the cult of individualism takes away the beauty and power of collaborative effort. "If we believed that our value is derived by making communities better, we would like have an entirely different world."
He also writes about the way our death practices distance us from the comfort, scriptural and biological, of returning dust to dust. "Buried beneath a typical ten-acre American cemetery is enough wood to build forty houses. There are twenty thousand tons of concrete from the vaults, more than nine hundred tons of casket steels, and enough embalming fluid to fill a small swimming pool."
This author is in the process of getting a doctorate in theology. Here's a passage that really speaks to me. "Christianity claims that God is a plural self: that God is three in one. Perhaps the three-in-one trinitarian view of God acts as the template for how we can understand ourselves. If we're made in God's image, we can't think of ourselves in any other way than a plural self: interconnected to those we love in the present as well as those we love in the past and the future. Some people talk about the trinity like it's some mystery of the Christian faith. But it's only a mystery for people who see individualism in everything they look at. Is God one person or three persons? The answer is yes. It's the same in you and it's the same in me. Are you one person or many. Yes. You are the one and the many."
This is a book about so many things, including his own spiritual trek. He writes "closure is a myth." This author has courage in speaking truth to the death industry, but more importantly, to a culture that denies death. He's on a journey of learning and exploring meaning. I can't wait to read his next book.
October 2, 2022
I started out loving it, but about half way through it ran out of steam and the later parts ruined earlier parts for me.
It does a thing Andy Root did in one of his theology books, where what is essentially a long essay gets delivered via a very dry and didactic narrative. I could see this format working in the right hands, it's close to how Plato structured many of his philosophical works, but here it's like you're getting the worst of both genres. It's not artistic or literary enough to work as fiction, and it doesn't work as non-fiction because none of the events actually happened and the intended points seldom came across clearly.
I understand Wilde couldn't write explicitly about families he's served as a funeral director for. It would have worked better as straightforward fiction with meditations on materialist and spiritual approaches to death (minus bland characters who solely exist to represent those two opposing impulses) informed by religious tradition and quantum physics, or as a series of non-fiction essays where all the writer's ideas are addressed directly and he could reference real experiences vaguely.
It does a thing Andy Root did in one of his theology books, where what is essentially a long essay gets delivered via a very dry and didactic narrative. I could see this format working in the right hands, it's close to how Plato structured many of his philosophical works, but here it's like you're getting the worst of both genres. It's not artistic or literary enough to work as fiction, and it doesn't work as non-fiction because none of the events actually happened and the intended points seldom came across clearly.
I understand Wilde couldn't write explicitly about families he's served as a funeral director for. It would have worked better as straightforward fiction with meditations on materialist and spiritual approaches to death (minus bland characters who solely exist to represent those two opposing impulses) informed by religious tradition and quantum physics, or as a series of non-fiction essays where all the writer's ideas are addressed directly and he could reference real experiences vaguely.
August 6, 2022
I cried when I finished this because I buried my sister naturally 5 years ago and have had several books in me since. I read Caleb Wilde’s first book after she died but had been following his blog throughout my masters thesis which focused on death and dying.
I needed to hear again his conclusions about the body and soul- I’m a member of Eastern Orthodoxy- but also about his tough relationships with elders, family expectations, the struggle through the pandemic, and his final decision because I’ve had parallel struggles.
Now what with my life.
Im not sure but I’m grateful for this book.
I needed to hear again his conclusions about the body and soul- I’m a member of Eastern Orthodoxy- but also about his tough relationships with elders, family expectations, the struggle through the pandemic, and his final decision because I’ve had parallel struggles.
Now what with my life.
Im not sure but I’m grateful for this book.
August 14, 2022
Surprising content! I borrowed the book from the library thinking it would be more of an abstract view of death itself but the story of the author’s relationship with death and death work was amazing. It felt so close to home (as a death companion who struggles with many of the same feelings) and Gerta stole my heart.
October 30, 2022
This wasn't the book I was expecting, but it was a few other good books in one: a memoir by a burnt-out funeral director who was getting ready to leave the business; a series of thoughts and stories about the meaning of death and love and human connectedness; an attempt by a left-leaning Christian to form a meaningful theology for himself. That's a lot for 200 pages. The book I was expecting, a series of anecdotes about deathbed experiences, wasn't entirely absent either.
dnf
July 8, 2022DNF
This book is supposed to be about death and the afterlife but that's not entirely correct. The main focus seems to be a book about race then anything else. The rest is more about the author's family history and his personal struggle to leave the industry. The author really does loves talking about himself to the point that sometimes I feel like he's gloating. For someone who isn't happy with his career he sure does like to remind you that he's from a long line of funeral directors on both sides of his family.
The author also included a historical, racial event that was the beginning of his family in the death industry. I never heard of this event so the author's exaggeration of its important in the Civil War and death industry was annoying to me at least. Supposedly it help spark and is considered the first battle of the war. We'll just ignore Bleeding Kansas and other historical events that paved the way to the Civil War.
As you can tell a lot of this book I didn't like for many reasons. Though I disliked it there were a few things I did like and agreed with. Some people will really like this but its not for everyone.
This book is supposed to be about death and the afterlife but that's not entirely correct. The main focus seems to be a book about race then anything else. The rest is more about the author's family history and his personal struggle to leave the industry. The author really does loves talking about himself to the point that sometimes I feel like he's gloating. For someone who isn't happy with his career he sure does like to remind you that he's from a long line of funeral directors on both sides of his family.
The author also included a historical, racial event that was the beginning of his family in the death industry. I never heard of this event so the author's exaggeration of its important in the Civil War and death industry was annoying to me at least. Supposedly it help spark and is considered the first battle of the war. We'll just ignore Bleeding Kansas and other historical events that paved the way to the Civil War.
As you can tell a lot of this book I didn't like for many reasons. Though I disliked it there were a few things I did like and agreed with. Some people will really like this but its not for everyone.
June 6, 2023
While I appreciate that the author was trying to hold himself accountable for his past thoughts and mindsets that were rooted in privilege, this book was not anything I was looking for. Rather than discussing stories, afterlife, and all the ins and outs, it was a book about white guilt, self realization, and preached about community and religion but read extremely self absorbed and as an advertisement for his families funeral home. I give him credit for trying, but I felt as though the topics he tried to put in were not well done and were explained at such a surface level that the writing was down to make the author feel less guilty and paint himself in a good light. I picked this book because of an interest in afterlife and cultures surrounding death with stories of peoples experiences and thoughts on it. Instead I felt as if I were being preached at, shamed, and reading a book about someone trying to cover all the bases of topics prevalent in political discussions today. Some of the ways he tried to pull the topics in and relate to them felt diminutive of the issues, even after slightly mentioning that he knew they were relatively incomparable. I was really disappointed overall and did not get what I thought this was going to be. I don’t want something where someone only talks about themselves or in sweeping generalization while also talking about the importance of community. The book felt very self centered and self righteous. While I speak of the writing and its impression, rather than the author, I really didn’t like the constant focus of saying how he does the right thing. It felt as if it was one of those interactions where someone is saying all the right things just to gather support or to try to prove something rather than simply doing the work and putting actions ahead of words. I do not know the author personally so can’t say if this would be the same impression as in person, but I had a bad feeling throughout the book and did not enjoy it. (Also what was with the part where he asked why an abused woman who had an actual nazi as a father why she couldn’t forgive him and acted shocked by that?) There were times where some things were well done, but overall claims felt unsupported, the topics of sex, gender, race, religion, and culture felt brushed over and surface leveled that undermined the topics to satisfy white male guilt rather than educate or support the story being told (that wasn’t how he was a good person anyway). I wanted more stories and experiences that the title and description seemed to give me, even a discussion about how they intertwine with the aspects he tried to pull in, not the poorly connected and developed basic comments about them that I got. Also, the paraphrasing from some characters felt very paraphrased, exaggerated, and shaped in a almost non believable way. It felt like the books purpose was partially religious propaganda (even though he said it wasn’t) and an advertisement combined with a college application essay about personal struggle and history to convince everyone you are good and worth it. The author also mentioned that things should not be appropriated or teachings from other cultures should be passed off as new ideas or teachings (green cemeteries, etc) but also seemed to pass some of his own thoughts about love and connections to nature as his own thoughts at times. If the book speaks to some people and fits what they were hoping to get out of it or was what they needed at the time that is great, but it was not for me. Overall something about this narrative felt off for me.
March 29, 2024
What if our dead remain with us? What if closure is not the goal? No matter what you believe about the afterlife, what if the hereafter intersects with the here and now?
Caleb Wilde, author of the acclaimed memoir Confessions of a Funeral Director, was a skeptic. The baffling stories people told him--deathbed visions of long-dead parents, visits from the other side--must be hallucinations or wishful thinking, he thought. But the more stories he heard, and the more he learned about non-Western understandings of body and spirit, the less sure he was.
All the Ways Our Dead Still Speak takes readers on a lyrical and tender quest to encounter the hereafter. As Wilde picks up bodies, organizes funerals, and meets with grieving families in a small town in Pennsylvania, those who remain share with him--and us--what they experience in the thin places between life and death. Entwining these stories with his own as a sixth-generation funeral director, and with the findings of neuroscience and the solace of faith, Wilde creates a searching, reverent inquiry into all the ways our dead remain with us. In the process, he takes on prevailing dogmas about death: from a narrow Christian view of heaven and hell, to secular assumptions that death is the end, to pop-psychology maxims that say we all need "closure" after our loved ones die.
The dead don't have to be buried twice, once in the ground and again in our hearts. In the pages of this unforgettable book, learn how love and memory and mystery fuse this world to the next.
Wow, what a boring and dry book. Don't believe the writeup (above) on the cover. This isn't nearly as interesting as it would have you believe from that. I saw two actually interesting stories in there about people who died. And even then, I think they were interesting because the rest of the book was so bad. Too much preaching for me. Oh, and if the author told us once that he was sixth generation funeral home director (or whatever he called himself), he told us a dozen times. Both sides of the family, blah, blah, blah. After the second time, who cares?
Also, I lost count of how many times he told us he never wanted to BE a funeral director! So why in heck did you do it then, huh?!? Walk away! And stop writing books! You're no good at it.
Not recommended. Oh! And edited to add that he REALLY REALLY REALLY likes to come up with words that probably at least half his readers don't know and have to look up. I hate that.
Caleb Wilde, author of the acclaimed memoir Confessions of a Funeral Director, was a skeptic. The baffling stories people told him--deathbed visions of long-dead parents, visits from the other side--must be hallucinations or wishful thinking, he thought. But the more stories he heard, and the more he learned about non-Western understandings of body and spirit, the less sure he was.
All the Ways Our Dead Still Speak takes readers on a lyrical and tender quest to encounter the hereafter. As Wilde picks up bodies, organizes funerals, and meets with grieving families in a small town in Pennsylvania, those who remain share with him--and us--what they experience in the thin places between life and death. Entwining these stories with his own as a sixth-generation funeral director, and with the findings of neuroscience and the solace of faith, Wilde creates a searching, reverent inquiry into all the ways our dead remain with us. In the process, he takes on prevailing dogmas about death: from a narrow Christian view of heaven and hell, to secular assumptions that death is the end, to pop-psychology maxims that say we all need "closure" after our loved ones die.
The dead don't have to be buried twice, once in the ground and again in our hearts. In the pages of this unforgettable book, learn how love and memory and mystery fuse this world to the next.
Wow, what a boring and dry book. Don't believe the writeup (above) on the cover. This isn't nearly as interesting as it would have you believe from that. I saw two actually interesting stories in there about people who died. And even then, I think they were interesting because the rest of the book was so bad. Too much preaching for me. Oh, and if the author told us once that he was sixth generation funeral home director (or whatever he called himself), he told us a dozen times. Both sides of the family, blah, blah, blah. After the second time, who cares?
Also, I lost count of how many times he told us he never wanted to BE a funeral director! So why in heck did you do it then, huh?!? Walk away! And stop writing books! You're no good at it.
Not recommended. Oh! And edited to add that he REALLY REALLY REALLY likes to come up with words that probably at least half his readers don't know and have to look up. I hate that.
March 23, 2024
I wish there were half star increments, but I'll go four with caveats. As others have commented in reviews, the title is deceiving. I also expected stories of the dead coming to collect the dying and the living being visited by the dead or witnessing the visitation. Lots of hospital and death bed accounts.
Nope. Was absolutely NOT expecting a long and WOKE detour about racism and even a plug for reparations. What kept me going was an empathy for his overall story, that of a funeral worker caught up in the horror of the pandemic. The great overwhelm was well expressed as he moved into the funeral home so he could work at all hours and not potentially take infection home to his family. That had to be just brutal. And he describes his bone-weary exhaustion and problems with depression and even drinking-- again, not what I was expecting at all, but this is his memoir and he was very forthcoming about his issues. While this wasn't the book I expected in many regards, it did give me some thinking points. While Caleb comes from a strong lineage and feels a deep connection to his ancestors, I have the opposite experience. I often wonder who my ancestors were or if any would give a moment's thought about me. Why would they? They've lived and died their lives and gone on. Even the relatives that I knew, I wouldn't expect to hang out and check in with me, and I feel that void a lot. I have even asked psychics, um, can you see ANYBODY around me from my family tree?
Final thoughts. This book is all over the road. It's not what I hoped for.
On the flip side, it's a memoir, and hey, he can write whatever he wants, rambling and detouring and all. I'd fully expect my memoir to dash off into weird tangential stories. It's my story. This is his story, a kind of crisis of faith in the midst of a very tough time. And he is not first and foremost, a writer. I follow Caleb on FB and LOVE his posts. They are heartfelt and poetic and tender and raw. I could not even begin to do what he does day in and day out, let alone non-stop during the lockdown. So I'm going to hold firm with the four stars because I want to encourage Caleb to keep seeking, keep connecting, keep sharing, keep being open to that liminal place that we all wonder about.
Nope. Was absolutely NOT expecting a long and WOKE detour about racism and even a plug for reparations. What kept me going was an empathy for his overall story, that of a funeral worker caught up in the horror of the pandemic. The great overwhelm was well expressed as he moved into the funeral home so he could work at all hours and not potentially take infection home to his family. That had to be just brutal. And he describes his bone-weary exhaustion and problems with depression and even drinking-- again, not what I was expecting at all, but this is his memoir and he was very forthcoming about his issues. While this wasn't the book I expected in many regards, it did give me some thinking points. While Caleb comes from a strong lineage and feels a deep connection to his ancestors, I have the opposite experience. I often wonder who my ancestors were or if any would give a moment's thought about me. Why would they? They've lived and died their lives and gone on. Even the relatives that I knew, I wouldn't expect to hang out and check in with me, and I feel that void a lot. I have even asked psychics, um, can you see ANYBODY around me from my family tree?
Final thoughts. This book is all over the road. It's not what I hoped for.
On the flip side, it's a memoir, and hey, he can write whatever he wants, rambling and detouring and all. I'd fully expect my memoir to dash off into weird tangential stories. It's my story. This is his story, a kind of crisis of faith in the midst of a very tough time. And he is not first and foremost, a writer. I follow Caleb on FB and LOVE his posts. They are heartfelt and poetic and tender and raw. I could not even begin to do what he does day in and day out, let alone non-stop during the lockdown. So I'm going to hold firm with the four stars because I want to encourage Caleb to keep seeking, keep connecting, keep sharing, keep being open to that liminal place that we all wonder about.
October 17, 2022
Few professions capture the imagination as much as those who work closely with death. Sixth-generation funeral director Caleb Wilde shares stories of grief and loss from his more than twenty-year career in his family’s funeral business in "All the Ways Our Dead Still Speak." Serving the Parkesburg, Pennsylvania community, Wilde recounts stories through composite characters to preserve the privacy of individuals he has encountered in his trade. Writing the book during the global COVID-19 pandemic, Wilde shares reflections on the psychological toll of witnessing death and experiencing vicarious trauma many times over.
This book does not disappoint. It’s a good read for those who don’t have strong feelings about the afterlife. Wilde approaches death with dignity and respect for the experience of grief, so don’t pick up this book if you’re looking for cheap sensationalist spooks. Read Wilde if you’re willing to delve deeply into the interiority of someone’s life as a generational death-care worker. Read Wilde if you want to know how a White funeral director takes seriously the charge of being trusted with the ministry of death for Black congregants of the Mt. Zion African Methodist Episcopal Church. Read Wilde if you have the breadth of compassion and empathy to handle vulnerability at the height of sorrow.
This book does not disappoint. It’s a good read for those who don’t have strong feelings about the afterlife. Wilde approaches death with dignity and respect for the experience of grief, so don’t pick up this book if you’re looking for cheap sensationalist spooks. Read Wilde if you’re willing to delve deeply into the interiority of someone’s life as a generational death-care worker. Read Wilde if you want to know how a White funeral director takes seriously the charge of being trusted with the ministry of death for Black congregants of the Mt. Zion African Methodist Episcopal Church. Read Wilde if you have the breadth of compassion and empathy to handle vulnerability at the height of sorrow.
dnf
November 25, 2022DNF. As other reviewers have said, the title is extremely misleading. One gets the impression that this is a funeral director's memoir about his observations (and those shared by the families he serves) on how our deceased loved ones communicate through signs, unexplained occurrences, etc.
That isn't this book -- at least, not the 84 pages of it that I read.
Instead, it seems to be a follow-up to Wilde's first memoir (which I haven't read). Wilde, who comes across as an earnest, hardworking, sincere, and likable guy, is a 6th generation funeral director. His family has been in the funeral business for 170 years and are well known and highly respected in their community. They care deeply for the families they serve.
Wilde is also contemplating the possibility of leaving the funeral business and what that would mean to his family and community. He's very reflective on his ancestors, so maybe THAT'S the meaning of the title? That our ancestors' traumas and histories live within us? I'm not sure, but unfortunately this is a DNF.
That isn't this book -- at least, not the 84 pages of it that I read.
Instead, it seems to be a follow-up to Wilde's first memoir (which I haven't read). Wilde, who comes across as an earnest, hardworking, sincere, and likable guy, is a 6th generation funeral director. His family has been in the funeral business for 170 years and are well known and highly respected in their community. They care deeply for the families they serve.
Wilde is also contemplating the possibility of leaving the funeral business and what that would mean to his family and community. He's very reflective on his ancestors, so maybe THAT'S the meaning of the title? That our ancestors' traumas and histories live within us? I'm not sure, but unfortunately this is a DNF.
May 31, 2022
"All the Ways Our Dead Still Speak" overflows with vulnerability, honesty, and humanity. I can't commend Caleb enough for the personal work he's done to find his own path and for having the courage to publicly talk about that journey through these pages. Most books are sold on the premise of polish, shine, and answers all wrapped up in pretty packaging but Caleb Wilde has basically said, "To hell with all that." (that said, we MUST take a second to gush about how gorgeous this cover is because honestly, this is the best cover I've seen in a while).
It isn't often that we get a glimpse into a person's heart who is in the middle of unraveling the fabric of who they've been. Caleb grants us that and he does it with impeccable grace. I think it's telling that he's realized he can't stay in the funeral industry. I don't think anyone was ever meant to deal with death and dying in a non-stop fashion the way today's funeral industry professionals do. Bravo Caleb. Bravo.
It isn't often that we get a glimpse into a person's heart who is in the middle of unraveling the fabric of who they've been. Caleb grants us that and he does it with impeccable grace. I think it's telling that he's realized he can't stay in the funeral industry. I don't think anyone was ever meant to deal with death and dying in a non-stop fashion the way today's funeral industry professionals do. Bravo Caleb. Bravo.
June 13, 2024
All the Ways Our Dead Still Speak is a profound & thought-provoking rumination on the connection between life and death. Wilde, a 6th generation funeral director on his father's side and a 5th generation death-care worker on his mother's side, asks us to consider the possibility that death is not the opposite of life, but is, in fact, a part of our lives from the moment we are born. He also suggests that the Western insistence on "closure" regarding a death nught be the most detrimental perspective we could take. Rather than condeming our loved ones to two deaths--the death of their corporeal bodies and then the death of their memories from our minds---he puts forth the idea that our loved ones are still alive in us as long as we carry their memories with us. This is an emotional rollercoaster of a book that has made a profound impact on my thoughts about what happens to all of us when we die. Along the way, it celebrates the boundless power of love. Well done:)
August 1, 2025
3.5 stars
This was by no means a perfect book if such a thing even exists.
As others have remarked, the marketing copy touted this as being sort of a window on people’s experience of contact with their loved ones after dying, and whilst it did feature a couple of examples, most of the book was not about that.
It was instead about the author having a midlife crisis and trying to figure out who he really was and what to do next.
This in itself was not uninteresting, just maybe not what most of us signed up for after reading the various blurbs about the book out in the world.
It became a little repetitive at times and at one point even diverged into the topic of western reparations to underprivileged groups. None of this really bothered me as I felt it was all coming from a good place by the author.
I didn’t learn so much about unexplained contact as I’d expected to but I did get to know a little about the heart of the writer. And isn’t that sort of the whole point of reading?
This was by no means a perfect book if such a thing even exists.
As others have remarked, the marketing copy touted this as being sort of a window on people’s experience of contact with their loved ones after dying, and whilst it did feature a couple of examples, most of the book was not about that.
It was instead about the author having a midlife crisis and trying to figure out who he really was and what to do next.
This in itself was not uninteresting, just maybe not what most of us signed up for after reading the various blurbs about the book out in the world.
It became a little repetitive at times and at one point even diverged into the topic of western reparations to underprivileged groups. None of this really bothered me as I felt it was all coming from a good place by the author.
I didn’t learn so much about unexplained contact as I’d expected to but I did get to know a little about the heart of the writer. And isn’t that sort of the whole point of reading?
October 17, 2025
I probably wouldn’t have read this had I not known the author. I loved his first memoir and when this one came out I was excited despite the insinuations of the title. And as many have stated already, it is a tinsy bit misleading. Throughout the book I felt like I was reading Caleb’s diary, which was intriguing on one hand because I knew him at one point in time but on the other hand it felt intrusive because there’s deep internal stuff on these pages that I would otherwise not be privy to had I not read this. This reads a little more like a person wrestling with their feelings of guilt around being white, Christian and a funeral director than it does exploring the possible ways that the departed may carry on with the living, although that is definitely a focus. My heart goes out to him as he’s had to wrestle with real second hand trauma and depression related to his line of work. And I respect his process and decision to leave the field despite the massive weight of expectation.
June 1, 2022
This book was not what I thought it would be. I anticipated much more in the way of conversations with those that had passed from this earth. There is very little mention of this. There is a lot of mention about Christian views of heaven and hell. Not that his views weren't interesting and enlightening, but I thought there would be more communications with the spirit world or the other side. This book is an eye opener when Caleb Wilde speaks about the pandemic and the effects on funeral directors and many other professions. Now that was heart-breaking and worth reading. A good book. It was pretty deep in places and took me longer than normal to read. It just wasn't about what I thought it would be about??? Bless you, Caleb Wilde, and good luck with your future, wherever it takes you........
January 19, 2024
Secondary trauma is a quiet trauma held by caregivers. Minimizing our own pain so that we can focus on the pain of others.
Western culture has been soul less as they have taken the dead from indigenous graves to place in museums and universities in the name of research and education.
In the death of children, a story is cut short before it can be written.
In the death of older people, we are losing the book.
A person dies twice: first when they stop breathing and again when someone says their name for the last time.
Two deaths: one when we die and the second when we are forgotten.
Some things in life can not be fixed, they can only be carried.
Nobody dies alone. Nobody. We carry them with us.
Western culture has been soul less as they have taken the dead from indigenous graves to place in museums and universities in the name of research and education.
In the death of children, a story is cut short before it can be written.
In the death of older people, we are losing the book.
A person dies twice: first when they stop breathing and again when someone says their name for the last time.
Two deaths: one when we die and the second when we are forgotten.
Some things in life can not be fixed, they can only be carried.
Nobody dies alone. Nobody. We carry them with us.
May 2, 2023
If I may, I would say 4.5 stars. I gave 5 stars since I haven’t read such insights about death. Thank you for writing this book Caleb!
I took a star off earlier since the last chapter is dragging to me. I would recommend this book for whoever wonders about our society’s culture and in this case death culture. I love that the author acknowledges other cultures way of dealing with death. I don’t necessarily believe one culture is better than others but I do think understanding and respecting other cultures (may it be dealing with death or aspects of living) are important and not done enough in our society.
I took a star off earlier since the last chapter is dragging to me. I would recommend this book for whoever wonders about our society’s culture and in this case death culture. I love that the author acknowledges other cultures way of dealing with death. I don’t necessarily believe one culture is better than others but I do think understanding and respecting other cultures (may it be dealing with death or aspects of living) are important and not done enough in our society.
June 29, 2022
While not quite what I was expecting, this was an eye opening account of an industry I knew nothing about. I would have loved to have heard more direct accounts of interactions with those who have passed, but the way Caleb used creative writing and a fictional approach was beautiful. The stories were woven into the book so beautifully and I zipped through the pages, devouring the way he shared from his heart. It’s also a painful description of what too many people can relate to - living a life you don’t love based on the expectations of others. Most read. And then take action.
July 9, 2022
"It's okay to water the grave. It's okay to talk about your loved one a little more. Its okay to cry longer. Its okay to have a couple of remembrance gatherings as you see fit. If we can remember together, I'm sure we'll be able to see the whole.
It turns out that the notion of "closure" for our grief isn't just a wrong way of looking at things. Its also a sad idea to believe. We don't have to let our loved ones go; we can take them with us. We can hold their memory proudly and celebrate the fact that as long as we live, we'll forestall the second death.
It turns out that the notion of "closure" for our grief isn't just a wrong way of looking at things. Its also a sad idea to believe. We don't have to let our loved ones go; we can take them with us. We can hold their memory proudly and celebrate the fact that as long as we live, we'll forestall the second death.
October 20, 2022
Ok, granted I did listen to this book on Audible, so, I can’t really say that this is the worst book I have read this year, so I will say, this is the worst book of the year for me. It was redundant, it was boring, it was not the story that is described in the book blurb. It’s title is very misleading and the author feels the need to basically preach to us throughout this book but basically saying nothing of importance to anyone other than himself. If I had read this in book form, this is one I would have thrown across the room!
November 7, 2022
This book was enjoyable to read and made me think, but the title and summary didn't really let me know what this book was about at all. The summary makes you think this is a journey and stories about how the dead find ways to speak and that does happen at some points, but the book seems very much more about a funeral directors life/feelings/experiences with death and their community. The book itself was fine. I just wish I would have had a clearer idea of what it was going to be about before reading it.
October 14, 2023
I was expecting this to be more similar to his first book. While this was a thoughtful read, it wasn't really what I was looking for when I picked it up. Even from the beginning, I thought we'd hear more stories from families he tended to about their experiences, but it was mostly his own thoughts and journey through familial expectations and subsequent guilt. With that came a lot of speculation of ancestors and the heavy burden in particular of colonial ancestors. Again, thoughtful, but not what I was looking for.
September 12, 2022
Really was excited about this read.
Was really disappointed. It’s content wasn’t what I thought it would entail. Every time I picked it up to resume reading I couldn’t recall what elements I’d read other than employees in the field are depressed as a rule. Where I do appreciate that it is a full-time, never a day off, care-taking industry where employees are under appreciated, it fell flat on me cause the author basically described motherhood in my pov.
Was really disappointed. It’s content wasn’t what I thought it would entail. Every time I picked it up to resume reading I couldn’t recall what elements I’d read other than employees in the field are depressed as a rule. Where I do appreciate that it is a full-time, never a day off, care-taking industry where employees are under appreciated, it fell flat on me cause the author basically described motherhood in my pov.
November 25, 2022
With the title, you’d expect a different reading experience all together. I do appreciate the stories that are imbedded into this book, but when the author interjects his own preachy views, it takes away from the experience of the book all together. Now everyone is entitled to their opinion, but I don’t expect to pick up a book written by a funeral director and be told about things like “white guilt” and “reparations”.
March 3, 2023
Randomly picked this up at the library just based on the title. This book feels like it was very important to the author, you can feel how cathartic writing it was for him. But it doesn’t know what it wants to be or what its purpose is. It isn’t really about what the title says it’s about. It was repetitive (but not very informative) and there was some wandering without any destination. It did make me want to seek out his first book, though.
June 2, 2023
This book was so disappointing. I ended up stopping it when he started his white privilege rant that kept going on and on…. And on. I wanted to like this book. The title was intriguing and I thought I would hear all about different peoples stories of seeing loved ones at the time of death but I was wrong.…. Just…. Not even worth my time….
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