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Us: Getting Past You and Me to Build a More Loving Relationship
Stop working on yourself as an individual and start working on your relationship as a couple, with the help of the renowned family therapist and author of The New Rules of Marriage
Not much is harder than figuring out how to love your partner in all their messy humanness—and there’s also not much that’s more important.
At a time when toxic individualism is rending our society at every level, bestselling author and renowned marriage counselor Terrence Real sees how it poisons intimate relationships in his therapy practice, where he works with couples on the brink of disaster. The good Warmer, closer, more passionate relationships are possible if you have the right tools.
In his transformative new book Us, Real brilliantly observes how our winner-takes-all culture infiltrates families with devastating repetitive fights that go nowhere, or a distant relationship in which partners end up living “alone together.” With deft insight, humor, and charm, Real guides you to transform your relationship into one that’s based on compassion, collaboration, and closeness.
Us is a groundbreaking guide to a new science-backed skillset—one that will allow you to get past your knee-jerk reactions and tap into your wiser, more collaborative self. With a novelist’s flair, Real shares the stories of couples whose relationships have been saved by these skills and pans out to the culture that reinforces our dysfunction. If you and your partner are backed into separate corners of “you” and “me,” this book will show the way back to “us.” With Us, your true relationship can begin.
Not much is harder than figuring out how to love your partner in all their messy humanness—and there’s also not much that’s more important.
At a time when toxic individualism is rending our society at every level, bestselling author and renowned marriage counselor Terrence Real sees how it poisons intimate relationships in his therapy practice, where he works with couples on the brink of disaster. The good Warmer, closer, more passionate relationships are possible if you have the right tools.
In his transformative new book Us, Real brilliantly observes how our winner-takes-all culture infiltrates families with devastating repetitive fights that go nowhere, or a distant relationship in which partners end up living “alone together.” With deft insight, humor, and charm, Real guides you to transform your relationship into one that’s based on compassion, collaboration, and closeness.
Us is a groundbreaking guide to a new science-backed skillset—one that will allow you to get past your knee-jerk reactions and tap into your wiser, more collaborative self. With a novelist’s flair, Real shares the stories of couples whose relationships have been saved by these skills and pans out to the culture that reinforces our dysfunction. If you and your partner are backed into separate corners of “you” and “me,” this book will show the way back to “us.” With Us, your true relationship can begin.
352 pages, Hardcover
First published January 1, 2022
1817 people are currently reading
9922 people want to read
About the author
Terrence Real
17 books302 followersAlso writes as Terry Real.
Terrence Real is the bestselling author of I Dont Want to Talk About It: Overcoming the Secret Legacy of Male Depression and How Can I Get Through to You?: Reconnecting Men and Women. He has been a practicing family therapist for more than twenty years and has lectured and given workshops across the country. In March 2002, Real founded the Relational Empowerment Institute. His work has been featured on NBC Nightly News, Today, Good Morning America, and Oprah, as well as in The New York Times, Psychology Today, Esquire, and numerous academic publications. He lives with his wife, family therapist Belinda Berman, and their two sons in Newton, Massachusetts.
Terrence Real is the bestselling author of I Dont Want to Talk About It: Overcoming the Secret Legacy of Male Depression and How Can I Get Through to You?: Reconnecting Men and Women. He has been a practicing family therapist for more than twenty years and has lectured and given workshops across the country. In March 2002, Real founded the Relational Empowerment Institute. His work has been featured on NBC Nightly News, Today, Good Morning America, and Oprah, as well as in The New York Times, Psychology Today, Esquire, and numerous academic publications. He lives with his wife, family therapist Belinda Berman, and their two sons in Newton, Massachusetts.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 382 reviews
June 12, 2022
This was really disappointing. I’ve been on a Terry Real kick for a little while, listening to him on podcasts and YouTube. I was expecting this book to dive deeper into some of the concepts and practices he talks about in those outlets. Mostly, this is just a restatement of what he has said elsewhere plus an infomercial for Relational Life Therapy.
There are few practical skills to actually help you get back into your “wise adult self” and “think ecologically.” These are beautiful and important concepts but they mean nothing if you have no clear guidance on how to apply them to you own life.
Real pays lip service to feminism but then consistently excuses men’s entitled behavior and blames women for asserting their autonomy. As a couple’s therapist, Real’s bias is to save the relationship. As a feminist, my bias is for women to live free from oppression. Sometimes those things go together, more often they do not because intimate relationships are a common site of sexist oppression.
Especially egregious is the clear lack of understanding Real demonstrates about domestic violence. Real says he screened one couple for DV and found nine, but then reported that the husband routinely locks the wife out of their shared bedroom as “punishment” for perceived transgressions. That’s classic DV. In another case, he labels a women an “abuser” because she gets verbally escalated. It’s then revealed that she has a significant and horrendous sexual trauma history and yells to protect herself from men. Real, despite his feminist credentials and like most couple’s therapists, woefully misunderstands domestic violence. Please do not go to therapy with your abuser. It will only make things worse.
I’m sure this will have value to couples in non-abusive relationships, but even then specific skills are lacking. I’m unclear about the purpose of this book expect as a means to get more clients for Real and other RLT trained therapists.
There are few practical skills to actually help you get back into your “wise adult self” and “think ecologically.” These are beautiful and important concepts but they mean nothing if you have no clear guidance on how to apply them to you own life.
Real pays lip service to feminism but then consistently excuses men’s entitled behavior and blames women for asserting their autonomy. As a couple’s therapist, Real’s bias is to save the relationship. As a feminist, my bias is for women to live free from oppression. Sometimes those things go together, more often they do not because intimate relationships are a common site of sexist oppression.
Especially egregious is the clear lack of understanding Real demonstrates about domestic violence. Real says he screened one couple for DV and found nine, but then reported that the husband routinely locks the wife out of their shared bedroom as “punishment” for perceived transgressions. That’s classic DV. In another case, he labels a women an “abuser” because she gets verbally escalated. It’s then revealed that she has a significant and horrendous sexual trauma history and yells to protect herself from men. Real, despite his feminist credentials and like most couple’s therapists, woefully misunderstands domestic violence. Please do not go to therapy with your abuser. It will only make things worse.
I’m sure this will have value to couples in non-abusive relationships, but even then specific skills are lacking. I’m unclear about the purpose of this book expect as a means to get more clients for Real and other RLT trained therapists.
June 11, 2022
There doesn't seem to be an Audible edition option here... But I read it on Aud. Narrated by the author, could have been better--he grew on me after a while, but as a reader he's a bit slow and dull. Changing the speed to around 1.25X helped a lot.
I do wish someone would come along and do a book integrating RLT, EFT, IFST, and Hakomi/Gestalt/Somatic Experiencing. Plus whatever David Wexler is. Because each time you read one of these books you always have to go through the basics again.
The book itself is comprehensive, looking at the impacts of trauma on relationship styles. (Not that different from EFT, as far as I can tell, actually). He paints "trauma" with a broad brush, covering physical and verbal abuse, neglect, parentification of children, systemic racism, patriarchy, moral injury (when you yourself injure others and carry the scars of that violation as well), and a few other things that aren't coming to mind at the moment, because he is interested in what the underlying reasons for our communications strategies are. He refers to the parts of damaged early as "the adaptive child," and to the person we are now, or could be, as the "wise adult." As with Internal Family Systems Therapy, the idea is to let the child know that whatever may have been true in childhood, the adult has the reins now and can handle the situation. ISFT seems more comprehensive to me--looking at not just the child, but the parts of the child--protector, sentry, hider, etc.
However, I wanted to read this because it seems to resonate pretty well with males I know who have participated in this type of therapy. Real is quite direct. He is not a neutral therapist--while it may take two to create a relationship problem, usually two people do not have equal responsibility for the problem. He seems pretty willing to call the partner with the most bullshit out.
That's different from most other forms of therapy. He looks deeply at the damage done to both women and men by patriarchy, and by the Western sense of enlightened or romantic individualism. The idea of dominance over nature as perpetrated by Western religion. Basically, he argues, with lots of neurological evidence, that we are not in fact individuals, but creatures wired for relationship. Creatures who function best relationally.
Lots and lots of case studies.
Perhaps more than other couples counseling books I've read, this gave me a concrete examples of what I personally need to work on and how I might go about that. Maybe I'm finally ready to face it.
The general idea is that couples tend to focus on their grievances and their needs. You. I. By focusing instead on US/WE, we can join forces against a common enemy--the problem we face or the patterns we need to change.
I do wish someone would come along and do a book integrating RLT, EFT, IFST, and Hakomi/Gestalt/Somatic Experiencing. Plus whatever David Wexler is. Because each time you read one of these books you always have to go through the basics again.
The book itself is comprehensive, looking at the impacts of trauma on relationship styles. (Not that different from EFT, as far as I can tell, actually). He paints "trauma" with a broad brush, covering physical and verbal abuse, neglect, parentification of children, systemic racism, patriarchy, moral injury (when you yourself injure others and carry the scars of that violation as well), and a few other things that aren't coming to mind at the moment, because he is interested in what the underlying reasons for our communications strategies are. He refers to the parts of damaged early as "the adaptive child," and to the person we are now, or could be, as the "wise adult." As with Internal Family Systems Therapy, the idea is to let the child know that whatever may have been true in childhood, the adult has the reins now and can handle the situation. ISFT seems more comprehensive to me--looking at not just the child, but the parts of the child--protector, sentry, hider, etc.
However, I wanted to read this because it seems to resonate pretty well with males I know who have participated in this type of therapy. Real is quite direct. He is not a neutral therapist--while it may take two to create a relationship problem, usually two people do not have equal responsibility for the problem. He seems pretty willing to call the partner with the most bullshit out.
That's different from most other forms of therapy. He looks deeply at the damage done to both women and men by patriarchy, and by the Western sense of enlightened or romantic individualism. The idea of dominance over nature as perpetrated by Western religion. Basically, he argues, with lots of neurological evidence, that we are not in fact individuals, but creatures wired for relationship. Creatures who function best relationally.
Lots and lots of case studies.
Perhaps more than other couples counseling books I've read, this gave me a concrete examples of what I personally need to work on and how I might go about that. Maybe I'm finally ready to face it.
The general idea is that couples tend to focus on their grievances and their needs. You. I. By focusing instead on US/WE, we can join forces against a common enemy--the problem we face or the patterns we need to change.
June 8, 2024
4.5
O carte foarte faină, utilă și cu idei interesante.
Încurajează relaționare în defavoarea individualismului tot mai prezent în viețile noastre.
Ușor de parcurs și înțeles
O carte foarte faină, utilă și cu idei interesante.
Încurajează relaționare în defavoarea individualismului tot mai prezent în viețile noastre.
Ușor de parcurs și înțeles
June 29, 2022
Reads like a 1st draft, repetitive, condescending
This is a book about Terry Real as heroic couples therapist. I had hoped to learn more about the art and practice of relational psychology in marriage. Terry Real writes too much about himself and larger cultural trends (e.g. "white privilege") and not enough about relational therapy and how to best apply it. I suspect there's a lot he could teach us--not enough of it came through the awkward prose.
This is a book about Terry Real as heroic couples therapist. I had hoped to learn more about the art and practice of relational psychology in marriage. Terry Real writes too much about himself and larger cultural trends (e.g. "white privilege") and not enough about relational therapy and how to best apply it. I suspect there's a lot he could teach us--not enough of it came through the awkward prose.
March 11, 2024
Cartea scrisă de Terrence Real nu e doar despre a ne înțelege mai bine partenerii, ci și despre a ne înțelege mai bine pe noi înșine 📖
💌 E despre societatea în care trăim, o societate antirelațională, narcisistă și individualistă.
💌 E despre provocarea de a menține în mod competent relaționarea, și de a schimba algoritmul “tu” și “eu” în algoritmul “Noi”.
💌 E despre greșita tendință de a ne închipui un sine independent, un sine peste toate, deasupra naturii, deasupra oamenilor pe care îi marginalizăm, deasupra partenerilor și copiilor noștri.
💌 E despre faptul că nu armonia neîntreruptă creează încredere în relații, ci tocmai nenumăratele repetări ale supraviețuirii conflictului.
💌 E despre a fi schimbarea pe care vrem să o vedem în lume. E despre a întinde mâna și a ne conecta cu cea mai bună parte a partenerului nostru. E despre a înțelege că ideea de “noi” unifică, pe când ideea de “tu” și “eu” separă.
✍️ “În acest moment, chiar aici, chiar acum, acțiunile noastre contează. Cum gândim, cum ne vedem pe noi înșine în lume contează. Cu partenerii noștri, copiii noștri, vecinii noștri, în propriile noastre minți - putem răscumpăra sau putem încălca. Alegerea este a noastră.”
💌 E despre societatea în care trăim, o societate antirelațională, narcisistă și individualistă.
💌 E despre provocarea de a menține în mod competent relaționarea, și de a schimba algoritmul “tu” și “eu” în algoritmul “Noi”.
💌 E despre greșita tendință de a ne închipui un sine independent, un sine peste toate, deasupra naturii, deasupra oamenilor pe care îi marginalizăm, deasupra partenerilor și copiilor noștri.
💌 E despre faptul că nu armonia neîntreruptă creează încredere în relații, ci tocmai nenumăratele repetări ale supraviețuirii conflictului.
💌 E despre a fi schimbarea pe care vrem să o vedem în lume. E despre a întinde mâna și a ne conecta cu cea mai bună parte a partenerului nostru. E despre a înțelege că ideea de “noi” unifică, pe când ideea de “tu” și “eu” separă.
✍️ “În acest moment, chiar aici, chiar acum, acțiunile noastre contează. Cum gândim, cum ne vedem pe noi înșine în lume contează. Cu partenerii noștri, copiii noștri, vecinii noștri, în propriile noastre minți - putem răscumpăra sau putem încălca. Alegerea este a noastră.”
September 13, 2022
I read this because it got a rave review in the New York Times and because it has a foreword by Bruce Springsteen, of all people. Springsteen basically says that years ago, he was one of the most successful musicians on the planet, but he wasn't happy in his life or relationships, and therapy with Terrence Real helped him and his family tremendously. Bruce Springsteen is a national treasure and deserves to be happy, so I figured the book was worth a try.
ChumpLady at chumplady.com would classify the author as a member of the Reconciliation Industrial Complex, along with Esther Perel, whom Real considers a wise colleague. ChumpLady is not a trained therapist and neither am I. But both of us share the belief that if there's infidelity in a marriage and the cheated-on partner has at least some economic and emotional resources, then it makes sense to sever all bonds, cut off contact, salt the earth, and evict the cheater from the chump's life as much as possible. Still, there are plenty of people who suffer infidelity but don't want to end the marriage. So this book offers some practical strategies on how the cheater can try to change his or her nature, if the cheater is willing to try and the faithful partner is willing to stick around.
I liked the case studies a lot. Real positions himself the hero in many cases, but it seems as if he does good work! Also he is willing to admit that sexism, racism, and homophobia can destroy relationships, and he admits to some missteps as he tries to learn about prejudices and harms that he hasn't personally experienced. (Telling any patient to smile more seems lunkheaded and controlling, but telling a high-achieving Black man—someone who is crumbling under the weight of others' expectations—to smile more seems incredibly stupid. The high achiever in question told Real he fucked up and gave him an extensive reading list to help him do better.)
There are some same-sex couples included in the case studies, but LGBTQIA+ issues are not the central focus of this book.
I appreciated that one of the case studies focused on verbal and psychological abuse by a woman toward a man. Men can be victims too, but it isn't discussed much. And women can certainly feel towering rage.
My most significant takeaway from this book: The opposite of low self-esteem is grandiosity. Someone with low self-esteem believes they are worse than others, and someone with grandiosity believes they are better than others, but in reality every person is worthwhile and has equal dignity. For decades, therapists have been treating people who have low self-esteem because people who have it feel terrible and often seek help. But there's been less treatment of grandiose people because they are much less likely to seek help. That's because a lot of the time, grandiosity feels good!
ChumpLady at chumplady.com would classify the author as a member of the Reconciliation Industrial Complex, along with Esther Perel, whom Real considers a wise colleague. ChumpLady is not a trained therapist and neither am I. But both of us share the belief that if there's infidelity in a marriage and the cheated-on partner has at least some economic and emotional resources, then it makes sense to sever all bonds, cut off contact, salt the earth, and evict the cheater from the chump's life as much as possible. Still, there are plenty of people who suffer infidelity but don't want to end the marriage. So this book offers some practical strategies on how the cheater can try to change his or her nature, if the cheater is willing to try and the faithful partner is willing to stick around.
I liked the case studies a lot. Real positions himself the hero in many cases, but it seems as if he does good work! Also he is willing to admit that sexism, racism, and homophobia can destroy relationships, and he admits to some missteps as he tries to learn about prejudices and harms that he hasn't personally experienced. (Telling any patient to smile more seems lunkheaded and controlling, but telling a high-achieving Black man—someone who is crumbling under the weight of others' expectations—to smile more seems incredibly stupid. The high achiever in question told Real he fucked up and gave him an extensive reading list to help him do better.)
There are some same-sex couples included in the case studies, but LGBTQIA+ issues are not the central focus of this book.
I appreciated that one of the case studies focused on verbal and psychological abuse by a woman toward a man. Men can be victims too, but it isn't discussed much. And women can certainly feel towering rage.
My most significant takeaway from this book: The opposite of low self-esteem is grandiosity. Someone with low self-esteem believes they are worse than others, and someone with grandiosity believes they are better than others, but in reality every person is worthwhile and has equal dignity. For decades, therapists have been treating people who have low self-esteem because people who have it feel terrible and often seek help. But there's been less treatment of grandiose people because they are much less likely to seek help. That's because a lot of the time, grandiosity feels good!
March 13, 2023
Published in June 2022, I bought a copy of "Us: Getting Past You and Me to Build a More Loving Relationship," by Terrence Real, after beginning Real's groundbreaking book, "I Don't Want to Talk About It."
This was definitely a great book. It isn't as moving or as deeply impactful as "I Don't Want to Talk About It," but it's certainly one of the absolute best therapy books I've ever read.
I've read and loved Xavier Amador's excellent self-help book, "I'm Right, You're Wrong, Now What?" and the principles in Real's "Us" all build on the same foundation, but the examples in "Us" are all solely focused on a marital context: on watching a married couple (most of whom are on the verge of divorce) grapple with trying to heal their relationship and stay in their marriage or not.
I love Real's approach and his accessible prose. Real makes it clear that he does not take on clients who are physically abusive at all. Which means that there are a lot of hard limits on how helpful this book may or may not be for any reader.
As a therapist, Real has never been one to turn his back on the cold facts of societal oppression: he understands that not every client who comes to his office is facing the same set of traumas or hardships in life, and that many of our traumas are completely out of our control. That awareness is front and center throughout the pages of "Us." Since so many psychiatrists and counselors seem, at best, to be completely oblivious to overt forms of oppression, it's a relief to read the work of a therapist who takes oppression seriously, and incorporates feminism, anti-racism, anti-ableism, and other such worldviews into his practice.
"Us" is not a book that delves a whole lot into inner healing and inner wholeness. There is some of that here, but the bulk of this book is focused on the daily actions people need to take -- especially couples -- to stop treating each other like garbage and have a loving relationship. None of those changes need to take years to make. Real shows that these vital changes can happen within the space of a few minutes, and be permanent, given a change in mindset. That change in mindset can come with the assistance of a trained therapist. Or, as in the hope of this book: people might change their own mindsets, based on the wisdom shared in this text.
I'd recommend this book to anyone who is struggling with shitty relationships. The book is going to be most directly applicable to anyone struggling with their marriage, especially those who are on the verge of divorce. I read this book to help me with my brothers, and I do think the book was helpful for me. But I know that mileage will vary, when it comes to making a book applicable to your own situation or not.
Five stars. I really love this author. I cherish him.
This was definitely a great book. It isn't as moving or as deeply impactful as "I Don't Want to Talk About It," but it's certainly one of the absolute best therapy books I've ever read.
I've read and loved Xavier Amador's excellent self-help book, "I'm Right, You're Wrong, Now What?" and the principles in Real's "Us" all build on the same foundation, but the examples in "Us" are all solely focused on a marital context: on watching a married couple (most of whom are on the verge of divorce) grapple with trying to heal their relationship and stay in their marriage or not.
I love Real's approach and his accessible prose. Real makes it clear that he does not take on clients who are physically abusive at all. Which means that there are a lot of hard limits on how helpful this book may or may not be for any reader.
As a therapist, Real has never been one to turn his back on the cold facts of societal oppression: he understands that not every client who comes to his office is facing the same set of traumas or hardships in life, and that many of our traumas are completely out of our control. That awareness is front and center throughout the pages of "Us." Since so many psychiatrists and counselors seem, at best, to be completely oblivious to overt forms of oppression, it's a relief to read the work of a therapist who takes oppression seriously, and incorporates feminism, anti-racism, anti-ableism, and other such worldviews into his practice.
"Us" is not a book that delves a whole lot into inner healing and inner wholeness. There is some of that here, but the bulk of this book is focused on the daily actions people need to take -- especially couples -- to stop treating each other like garbage and have a loving relationship. None of those changes need to take years to make. Real shows that these vital changes can happen within the space of a few minutes, and be permanent, given a change in mindset. That change in mindset can come with the assistance of a trained therapist. Or, as in the hope of this book: people might change their own mindsets, based on the wisdom shared in this text.
I'd recommend this book to anyone who is struggling with shitty relationships. The book is going to be most directly applicable to anyone struggling with their marriage, especially those who are on the verge of divorce. I read this book to help me with my brothers, and I do think the book was helpful for me. But I know that mileage will vary, when it comes to making a book applicable to your own situation or not.
Five stars. I really love this author. I cherish him.
June 6, 2022
This is an eye-opening guide to how childhood trauma affects adult relationships, and how we can recover from our past to improve our present. Although this is aimed at married couples, the skills can be used in any kind of relationship. The author, Relational Life therapist Terry Real, offers inclusive relationship guidance, respectful of all genders and orientations, in a conversational tone.
Although I have already read a lot about trauma, I found the author’s discussion of relational trauma quite helpful, and I particularly appreciated his trauma grid. One of my favorite quotes from the book is when the author states, “I believe there’s no such thing as overreacting; it’s just that what someone is reacting to may no longer be what’s in front of them.”
The author includes many examples from clients in his practice to help you understand how to stop reacting from your wounded inner child and instead respond from your wise adult self. In addition, he cites relevant literature, with extensive notes and bibliography in the back matter.
I found this book excellent for encouraging having compassion toward self and others while also setting healthy boundaries. I highly recommend this book for anyone interested in understanding and overcoming their triggers and improving their relationships with romantic partners, as well as with coworkers, family, and friends.
I was provided an unproofed ARC through NetGalley that I volunteered to review.
Although I have already read a lot about trauma, I found the author’s discussion of relational trauma quite helpful, and I particularly appreciated his trauma grid. One of my favorite quotes from the book is when the author states, “I believe there’s no such thing as overreacting; it’s just that what someone is reacting to may no longer be what’s in front of them.”
The author includes many examples from clients in his practice to help you understand how to stop reacting from your wounded inner child and instead respond from your wise adult self. In addition, he cites relevant literature, with extensive notes and bibliography in the back matter.
I found this book excellent for encouraging having compassion toward self and others while also setting healthy boundaries. I highly recommend this book for anyone interested in understanding and overcoming their triggers and improving their relationships with romantic partners, as well as with coworkers, family, and friends.
I was provided an unproofed ARC through NetGalley that I volunteered to review.
December 6, 2022
This book is a critique of the toxic culture of individualism and what it does to us and our relationships. It talks about how we should focus more on having healthy relationships than on ourselves. The author talks about how when we focus too much on what we want as an individual; it can hurt the people around us. The author shares the stories of some couples who have used these concepts to save their relationships.
This should be required reading for any member of the human race. The Wise Adult and the Adaptive Child concepts are very helpful in seeing how we react in certain situations and how it affects our relationships. The author also gives real-life tools that help us navigate conflict with each other. I love how the author is also very open and candid in this book about his own experience and the maladaptive strategies he takes. We are all a work-in-progress.
To listen to my interview with the author, go to my podcast at:
https://www.momsdonthavetimetoreadboo...
This should be required reading for any member of the human race. The Wise Adult and the Adaptive Child concepts are very helpful in seeing how we react in certain situations and how it affects our relationships. The author also gives real-life tools that help us navigate conflict with each other. I love how the author is also very open and candid in this book about his own experience and the maladaptive strategies he takes. We are all a work-in-progress.
To listen to my interview with the author, go to my podcast at:
https://www.momsdonthavetimetoreadboo...
October 6, 2023
If I wanted to read a book about Terrance Reals political views and racism ( had it’s own subsection ) this would have been a great book. Since I was hoping to learn more about relationships and how to improve them it fell a bit flat. I love to read as a way to escape and learn. This one was peppered all the way through with his personal views on all thing’s controversial. In a memoir, that’s great. In a book marketed as objective and topic focused it was distracting.
I rated 2 stars because there was valuable information and some of the case studies have insight but this is not a book I would suggest to anyone looking for guidance.
I rated 2 stars because there was valuable information and some of the case studies have insight but this is not a book I would suggest to anyone looking for guidance.
July 2, 2022
I had a hard time sticking with this one. I am not sure what I was supposed to take away from it - it meanders, story tells, promises you tools, and then veers off in another direction.
What I do hope to internalize: every relationship goes through constant phases of harmony, disharmony, and then if you’re lucky, repair - but you have to be willing to both offer and receive the peace offering. That’s helpful enough start for our marriage.
What I do hope to internalize: every relationship goes through constant phases of harmony, disharmony, and then if you’re lucky, repair - but you have to be willing to both offer and receive the peace offering. That’s helpful enough start for our marriage.
July 27, 2022
Terrence Real and relational life therapy were both completely new to me before reading Us: Getting Past You and Me to Build a More Loving Relationship. I really enjoyed this book and I think just about everyone could benefit from the ideas within. Scenarios discussed are relevant and relatable. The author shows us how to reflect upon the past to determine what he calls our adaptive child. I think this method is unique in that it doesn't cite outside sources of stress as the problem but instead explains how our adaptive child is to blame. Once you determine how your adaptive child expresses itself, you can then work to change these behaviors to those of a "wise adult." I think most people will find success with the methods in this book as long as they are willing to be honest with themselves and put in the work necessary to change.
Disclosure: I received a free copy from Rodale Books in exchange for an honest review.
Disclosure: I received a free copy from Rodale Books in exchange for an honest review.
January 9, 2025
I found this book unbelievably biased, and I think Terry is best suited to focus on the population of straight, CIS men he empathizes with. Chapter 4 is a fantastic example of Terry’s pathologically solipsistic outlook. He describes the couple verbatim:
“White and in her early forties, she is built like a square, muscular tough, and her head is tilting slightly forward, as though she were bucking a headwind.
Her husband, Jim, also white, a tall drink of water, leans back in his chair. He crosses his long, elegantly clothed legs. “
The chapter goes on to describe an angry, exhausted wife and mother, who wants help with her children and financial autonomy. Both of which are questioned by Terry himself during their session. The chapter defines the wife as a grandiose woman, the bleakest diagnosis he has, often incurable, who, “have advanced degrees in offending from the victim position.” “Righteously indignant, avenging angels.” A reminder this is in reference to a woman asking for financial autonomy and childcare.
Terry could be willfully ignorant, duplicitous, or stupid, but he is without doubt a charlatan and apostle of “Mr. Marriage.”
“White and in her early forties, she is built like a square, muscular tough, and her head is tilting slightly forward, as though she were bucking a headwind.
Her husband, Jim, also white, a tall drink of water, leans back in his chair. He crosses his long, elegantly clothed legs. “
The chapter goes on to describe an angry, exhausted wife and mother, who wants help with her children and financial autonomy. Both of which are questioned by Terry himself during their session. The chapter defines the wife as a grandiose woman, the bleakest diagnosis he has, often incurable, who, “have advanced degrees in offending from the victim position.” “Righteously indignant, avenging angels.” A reminder this is in reference to a woman asking for financial autonomy and childcare.
Terry could be willfully ignorant, duplicitous, or stupid, but he is without doubt a charlatan and apostle of “Mr. Marriage.”
April 2, 2023
absolutely should be mandatory reading for anyone ever as a basic "how to interact with others and stop being a self-centered single cell organism and learn to conceive of yourself in relation to others, joys and griefs included"
July 18, 2022
this book is incredible
November 2, 2023
There’s some chaff in here, but the wheat makes it worth reading and interrogating. At the very least it’s thought provoking
November 7, 2022
Us (2022) is for anyone whose once-loving relationship has devolved into point-scoring and power struggles. It offers a science-based skill set, illustrated with rich and detailed examples, to help you and your partner heal your toxic individualism and your relationship.
Terrence Real is an internationally recognized family therapist, speaker, and author. He founded the Relational Life Institute, offering workshops for couples, individuals, and parents along with a professional training program for clinicians to learn his Relational Life Therapy methodology. He is the bestselling author of I Don’t Want to Talk About It, How Can I Get Through to You?, and The New Rules of Marriage.
---
Move past “you” and “me” to arrive at “we.”
The lone genius at work in her studio. The tech whiz kid who took Silicon Valley by storm. The self-made millionaire who rose to the top of her industry without any help. Contemporary society valorizes the individual and their achievements. But in many ways, this individualism is toxic. On a broad level, thinking of ourselves as individuals rather than people who are networked within a community creates division and estrangement from the world we live in. On a more intimate level, it can also cause lasting damage to our relationships.
Relational therapy, which asks individuals to consider the ways others have shaped them and the way they’ve shaped others, seeks to move people beyond this individualistic mindset. And it’s particularly valuable for couples. When two individuals can set aside their you-and-me mindset and prioritize growing their relationship, they can create rewarding and lasting intimacy.
A quick disclaimer before we continue: the advice in this book is intended for couples in flawed relationships who are nevertheless committed to persevering, healing, and making things work. It doesn’t apply to anyone in a toxic or abusive relationship.
---
You can overcome toxic emotional habits.
If you’re in a relationship, this scenario might be familiar. It begins with something trivial – think a dish left unwashed in the sink. You ask your partner why they haven’t cleaned it; they reply, maybe a little snappily, that they haven’t gotten around to it yet. All of a sudden, you’re both feeling tense. Defensive. Things escalate. Now, much bigger emotions are coursing through you: rage, hatred, contempt. You’re both yelling, dredging up old disagreements and hurling insults. Or, you’re giving each other the silent treatment with stony eyes. You’ve forgotten that the person you’re fighting with is the same person who laughs at your jokes and holds you when you’re sad. Your rational brain has left the building, and all your worst emotional habits have kicked in and taken over.
Why does this happen? The field of interpersonal neurobiology, which looks at the individual’s brain cognition in the context of her relationships with others, has some answers. The reason you and your partner are so good at driving each other crazy is that people in close relationships tend to coregulate. That means when your partner’s levels of the stress hormone cortisol spike, your cortisol levels are apt to rise too. Similarly, when your partner is relaxed, you’re likely to feel relaxed too.
That’s part of the picture. But what about all those toxic emotional reactions that come into play when you and your partner disagree? That, too, has a lot to do with your relationships with others. You learned your stress reactions – whether they’re to yell, lie, or retreat into silence — in the context of your earliest relationships. For most of us, that means we absorbed the stress responses that were modeled by our families, and especially by our parents.
When things are going smoothly, most of us are wise adults. We think with our prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain responsible for measured, complex cognition. We’re rational, flexible, warm, forgiving. We know that one dirty dish isn’t the end of the world. But when we’re under stress, another region of our brain, the amygdala, takes charge and stimulates a fight-or-flight response. In fight-or-flight situations, we’re only concerned with self-preservation – we feel we don’t have time to think things through, so we act on instinct. This is when the adaptive child emerges. Your adaptive child is a creature of emotional habit, using all the stress responses you learned when you were young. Whether this adaptive child is cruelly domineering, a people-pleasing doormat, or something in between, they are always rigid in their thought patterns and behaviors.
Sometimes, when you and your partner fight, your wise adult selves leave the room, leaving two adaptive children. All of a sudden, your worst habits and most destructive emotional impulses are triggered. But there is some good news. Just because your adaptive child automatically takes over doesn’t mean it always has to be like this. Scientists used to assume that the neural pathways of our brains were set in stone. These pathways calcified into habits, behaviors, and traits – in other words, our basic characteristics. If you were a person with a bad temper, that trait was yours for life. Now, scientists know that – through the process known as neuroplasticity – neural pathways can rewire and reform. In other words, we are capable of phenomenal change.
Let’s go back to that dirty dish. When the fight spun out of control, you and your partner weren’t acting as wise adults. Wise adults know preserving the relationship – the “us” – is more important than individual point-scoring. Instead, you were two “I”s battling it out.
Here’s what you need to know: when one “I” wins, the loser is always “us.” But it is possible to break free from toxic behaviors, to approach conflicts as wise adults, to stop thinking in terms of “I” – and reframe your relationship in terms of “us.”
---
Don’t fight your adaptive child – parent them.
Meet Dan and Julia. They’ve been married for seven years, but Julia has recently been considering divorce. Dan’s a nice guy, but he’s always twisting the truth and making excuses. If he’s ever five minutes late for dinner, it seems like he’s got some wild story to explain his delay. Julia’s sick of it. But Dan just can’t stop.
Dan’s dad left the scene when Dan was a toddler. His mom was strict and controlling. As a child, Dan was basically a good kid. But one single slipup, and his mom would fly off the handle. Dan’s habitual lying is actually an adaptive strategy he learned when he was young. Dan knew he could keep his mom from flying into a rage if he presented as a perfect kid all the time – and he learned to conceal the occasional adolescent slipup by being flexible with the truth.
But the strategies that served Dan well as a kid are about to torpedo his adult relationship.
Like Dan, lots of us carry our adaptive child with us. It’s a normal response to our childhood trauma – and not just trauma with a capital T. For the purposes of relational psychology, trauma is any event, big or small, repetitious or a one-off, that moves someone away from a healthy emotional response to a situation and instead prompts them to develop adaptive strategies.
It’s important to remember that your adaptive child isn’t bad. They’re an important part of you. But, like any child, they need to be parented. The next time you feel your adaptive child take over, try not to let them determine your actions. Try, instead, to listen to what they’re telling you.
Let’s get back to Dan and Julia. Spoiler alert: they didn’t get divorced. But Dan had to learn how to parent his adaptive child for their relationship to get back on course. Here’s how he did it.
First, he identified his inner child’s adaptive strategies and pinpointed their root cause. Therapy can help during this stage, but it’s not a necessity.
Then, he practiced what’s called relational mindfulness. Mindfulness is the practice of regularly observing your sensations, thoughts, and feelings without judgment. Relational mindfulness extends that neutral observation to your relationship with others. For Dan, this looked like taking a deep breath whenever the impulse to lie or deflect blame arose.
Next, he worked on rewiring his neural pathways with the help of the respect test. Whenever he had a negative thought, he tried to ask himself if it failed to meet the basic standards of respect. A thought like, I’ll just tell Julia the store was out of milk instead of admitting I forgot to buy it doesn’t demonstrate basic respect toward Julia. A thought like, It’s pathetic the way I’m always lying and making excuses doesn’t demonstrate basic respect to Dan himself.
Every time he slipped up, Dan reminded himself, It’s not you that’s bad, it’s your behavior. That’s true for your adaptive strategies too, by the way: you’re not a bad person, you’re just behaving badly.
By practicing mindfulness and working on rewiring his neural pathways, Dan had a breakthrough. He came home late from work one evening, and instead of spinning a story about a last-minute assignment from his boss, he told the truth: he’d gone out for a drink with his coworker and forgot to call.
Then something crucial happened. Dan was expecting to get in trouble – he hadn’t behaved perfectly. If his mom were still around, she would have been furious at him. But Julia is not Dan’s mom. She didn’t mind that he was late. In fact, she was thrilled he’d told the truth. Dan had what’s known as a corrective emotional experience. He’d always lied because he’d learned telling the truth led to a negative outcome. Julia’s positive reaction to his honesty helped him see how damaging and unhelpful his adaptive strategy had become. Although it served him well in childhood, in his warm, loving, adult relationship it just wasn’t needed.
---
To move through conflict, ditch the core negative image.
What does an individualistic romantic relationship have in common with a seesaw? It’s a constant shift from being higher or lower than the other person. When you’re operating in a you-and-me consciousness, there’s never balance and harmony.
And here’s the scary truth. It’s all too easy to move from a you-and-me consciousness to a you-versus-me consciousness. Remember how, in stressful situations, you might summon your adaptive child rather than your wise adult? Well, that’s not the only thing you bring along. Often, you end up fighting with your core negative image of your partner – basically, it’s the cartoon villain version of your partner you create in your mind, comprising all their worst, most annoying traits. Does this version of your partner actually exist? No – they’re a product of your imagination. But when your relationship with your partner is going badly, you might feel like you wake up next to their core negative image every morning and go to sleep next to them every night. Not exactly the stuff romantic dreams are made of.
And guess what? Your partner has a core negative image of you too. In fact, you probably have a good idea of what that negative image looks like. Let’s say you’re a little disorganized. And that’s really frustrating to your type-A partner. When you miss important appointments, your partner’s core negative image of you is triggered. You’re thoughtless and entitled and spoiled and – the list goes on. Now, you’re riled up: you conveniently ignore there’s some truth to that image and opt to be outraged instead. How dare your partner think so little of you?!
You’re getting the picture, right? The core negative image is completely unproductive. What’s worse, it can be magnified around a particular issue, making it almost impossible to resolve conflict. Let’s look at a pretty standard situation. Alex wants to have more sex with his wife, Tracey. Tracey feels like, when it comes to sex, Alex doesn’t listen to her needs and desires. This isn’t an unsolvable problem . . . until the core negative images come into it. Of course Tracey will never want sex, Alex thinks – she’s terminally frigid. Of course Alex will never turn me on, thinks Tracey – he’s completely insensitive. Once they’ve activated these images, Tracey and Alex are stuck.
The solution to this problem is actually pretty simple. Tracey and Alex need to let go of the ego and start thinking about the eco – as in the ecology of their relationship. When you operate with an us-consciousness, you understand that your romantic relationship is a space where you both live. Poisoning that ecology with toxic behavior hurts you just as much as it hurts your partner. Of course, in our individualistically oriented society, shifting into us-consciousness is easier said than done. So here are a few more concrete tips.
First, resist hanging on to your core negative image of your partner. It’s a hop, skip, and a jump from “He is so insensitive” to the sentence construction that sends chills down a relationship therapist’s spine: “He always . . .” or “She never . . . .” Framing your partner’s behavior as permanent and unchangeable means you’ve given up on resolving conflicts even before they arise.
Next, try something called redistribution. What hurts you most in your partner’s actions is often something you’re secretly ashamed of in your own behavior. Say you hate your partner’s hot temper but respond with passive aggression. Well, that’s just another form of rage. Owning up to shared flaws can help you move past them.
Finally, find the shared objective. You’d be surprised – even bitter arguments often center on a shared goal. For Tracey and Alex, that goal is a more fulfilling sex life. Once the goal is established, shift the conversation. Instead of “I want more sex,” ask, “How can we improve our intimacy?”
Remember, you can’t have power with someone, only over them. Abandoning power struggles and point-scoring is the best way to truly empower your relationship.
---
Don’t just recover from trauma – rebuild.
Sometimes, something in our relationship breaks so dramatically that it’s not just our partner, but our whole world, that seems changed. Some traumas are so shattering that they reconfigure our reality entirely. The psychologist Ronnie Janoff-Bulman describes it like this: You’re standing in the kitchen when you lean against the wall, and you sink right through it. You’re not just wary of walls now. You’re wary of everything. If you can sink through a wall, what else can you sink through? It’s the same when a crucial point of trust is broken with your partner. If they could do this to me, you think, what else could they have done?
But there’s a silver lining here. Once the reality of your relationship has shattered, you have a chance to reconstruct it. Every relationship will have a rock-bottom moment, whether it’s brought about by a single event – like an affair – or a gradual wearing down. If you and your partner hit rock bottom as “you” and “me,” now you have a wonderful opportunity to rebuild as “us.”
Let’s take a look at one couple that have just hit rock bottom. Dina and Juan have been together for ten years. But Juan has just found out that Dina’s been having an affair for the past two years. He’s devastated. And angry. But, luckily, he’s open to working on things – and Dina is too.
The first tool their relationship counselor gives them is the feedback wheel, a four-part conversational structure developed by therapist Janet Hurley. Tell your partner: This is what happened. This is the story I’m telling myself about what happened. This is how I felt. And, most importantly, This would help me heal.
It’s not enough to explain to your partner why you’re hurting. You need to help them help you. In an individualistic mindset, you expect others to meet your needs. But when you think in terms of “us,” it becomes obvious that guiding your partner to better support you is something that helps them and you.
Back to Dina and Juan. The feedback wheel helps them move through their broken trust. But that’s not all.
Juan also realizes he’s brought some harmful internal narratives to their relationship. His father was hot-tempered and prone to violence. As a result, Juan’s adaptive strategy is to keep the peace – at all costs. Throughout his relationship with Dina, he’s been telling himself that keeping his thoughts to himself keeps his relationship safe. In truth, his reserve has been keeping him from speaking up about issues that really bother him – and it has been pushing Dina away. So he works on establishing a new narrative: My relationship with Dina is more fulfilling when I advocate for my needs.
After the trauma of infidelity, Dina and Juan wanted to repair their broken trust. They ended up repairing so much more. Before infidelity, they were a “you” and a “me.” Now, they’re an “us.”
---
With relationships, a you-and-me-consciousness results in point-scoring and power struggles. For real romantic fulfillment, let go of the ego and embrace putting “us” before “you” and “me.” Helpful strategies for achieving this include parenting your adaptive child, letting go of negative core images, and implementing us-focused feedback.
And here’s one last piece of advice: Be a safe space for your partner.
If you’re in the middle of a fight and you notice your partner’s adaptive child has taken over, what should you do? Stop trying to win the argument, and instead make yourself a safe space for your partner. It’s when children feel unsafe that they first form their adaptive strategies. When your partner is comforted – and back to their wise adult self – you can resume your discussion.
Terrence Real is an internationally recognized family therapist, speaker, and author. He founded the Relational Life Institute, offering workshops for couples, individuals, and parents along with a professional training program for clinicians to learn his Relational Life Therapy methodology. He is the bestselling author of I Don’t Want to Talk About It, How Can I Get Through to You?, and The New Rules of Marriage.
---
Move past “you” and “me” to arrive at “we.”
The lone genius at work in her studio. The tech whiz kid who took Silicon Valley by storm. The self-made millionaire who rose to the top of her industry without any help. Contemporary society valorizes the individual and their achievements. But in many ways, this individualism is toxic. On a broad level, thinking of ourselves as individuals rather than people who are networked within a community creates division and estrangement from the world we live in. On a more intimate level, it can also cause lasting damage to our relationships.
Relational therapy, which asks individuals to consider the ways others have shaped them and the way they’ve shaped others, seeks to move people beyond this individualistic mindset. And it’s particularly valuable for couples. When two individuals can set aside their you-and-me mindset and prioritize growing their relationship, they can create rewarding and lasting intimacy.
A quick disclaimer before we continue: the advice in this book is intended for couples in flawed relationships who are nevertheless committed to persevering, healing, and making things work. It doesn’t apply to anyone in a toxic or abusive relationship.
---
You can overcome toxic emotional habits.
If you’re in a relationship, this scenario might be familiar. It begins with something trivial – think a dish left unwashed in the sink. You ask your partner why they haven’t cleaned it; they reply, maybe a little snappily, that they haven’t gotten around to it yet. All of a sudden, you’re both feeling tense. Defensive. Things escalate. Now, much bigger emotions are coursing through you: rage, hatred, contempt. You’re both yelling, dredging up old disagreements and hurling insults. Or, you’re giving each other the silent treatment with stony eyes. You’ve forgotten that the person you’re fighting with is the same person who laughs at your jokes and holds you when you’re sad. Your rational brain has left the building, and all your worst emotional habits have kicked in and taken over.
Why does this happen? The field of interpersonal neurobiology, which looks at the individual’s brain cognition in the context of her relationships with others, has some answers. The reason you and your partner are so good at driving each other crazy is that people in close relationships tend to coregulate. That means when your partner’s levels of the stress hormone cortisol spike, your cortisol levels are apt to rise too. Similarly, when your partner is relaxed, you’re likely to feel relaxed too.
That’s part of the picture. But what about all those toxic emotional reactions that come into play when you and your partner disagree? That, too, has a lot to do with your relationships with others. You learned your stress reactions – whether they’re to yell, lie, or retreat into silence — in the context of your earliest relationships. For most of us, that means we absorbed the stress responses that were modeled by our families, and especially by our parents.
When things are going smoothly, most of us are wise adults. We think with our prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain responsible for measured, complex cognition. We’re rational, flexible, warm, forgiving. We know that one dirty dish isn’t the end of the world. But when we’re under stress, another region of our brain, the amygdala, takes charge and stimulates a fight-or-flight response. In fight-or-flight situations, we’re only concerned with self-preservation – we feel we don’t have time to think things through, so we act on instinct. This is when the adaptive child emerges. Your adaptive child is a creature of emotional habit, using all the stress responses you learned when you were young. Whether this adaptive child is cruelly domineering, a people-pleasing doormat, or something in between, they are always rigid in their thought patterns and behaviors.
Sometimes, when you and your partner fight, your wise adult selves leave the room, leaving two adaptive children. All of a sudden, your worst habits and most destructive emotional impulses are triggered. But there is some good news. Just because your adaptive child automatically takes over doesn’t mean it always has to be like this. Scientists used to assume that the neural pathways of our brains were set in stone. These pathways calcified into habits, behaviors, and traits – in other words, our basic characteristics. If you were a person with a bad temper, that trait was yours for life. Now, scientists know that – through the process known as neuroplasticity – neural pathways can rewire and reform. In other words, we are capable of phenomenal change.
Let’s go back to that dirty dish. When the fight spun out of control, you and your partner weren’t acting as wise adults. Wise adults know preserving the relationship – the “us” – is more important than individual point-scoring. Instead, you were two “I”s battling it out.
Here’s what you need to know: when one “I” wins, the loser is always “us.” But it is possible to break free from toxic behaviors, to approach conflicts as wise adults, to stop thinking in terms of “I” – and reframe your relationship in terms of “us.”
---
Don’t fight your adaptive child – parent them.
Meet Dan and Julia. They’ve been married for seven years, but Julia has recently been considering divorce. Dan’s a nice guy, but he’s always twisting the truth and making excuses. If he’s ever five minutes late for dinner, it seems like he’s got some wild story to explain his delay. Julia’s sick of it. But Dan just can’t stop.
Dan’s dad left the scene when Dan was a toddler. His mom was strict and controlling. As a child, Dan was basically a good kid. But one single slipup, and his mom would fly off the handle. Dan’s habitual lying is actually an adaptive strategy he learned when he was young. Dan knew he could keep his mom from flying into a rage if he presented as a perfect kid all the time – and he learned to conceal the occasional adolescent slipup by being flexible with the truth.
But the strategies that served Dan well as a kid are about to torpedo his adult relationship.
Like Dan, lots of us carry our adaptive child with us. It’s a normal response to our childhood trauma – and not just trauma with a capital T. For the purposes of relational psychology, trauma is any event, big or small, repetitious or a one-off, that moves someone away from a healthy emotional response to a situation and instead prompts them to develop adaptive strategies.
It’s important to remember that your adaptive child isn’t bad. They’re an important part of you. But, like any child, they need to be parented. The next time you feel your adaptive child take over, try not to let them determine your actions. Try, instead, to listen to what they’re telling you.
Let’s get back to Dan and Julia. Spoiler alert: they didn’t get divorced. But Dan had to learn how to parent his adaptive child for their relationship to get back on course. Here’s how he did it.
First, he identified his inner child’s adaptive strategies and pinpointed their root cause. Therapy can help during this stage, but it’s not a necessity.
Then, he practiced what’s called relational mindfulness. Mindfulness is the practice of regularly observing your sensations, thoughts, and feelings without judgment. Relational mindfulness extends that neutral observation to your relationship with others. For Dan, this looked like taking a deep breath whenever the impulse to lie or deflect blame arose.
Next, he worked on rewiring his neural pathways with the help of the respect test. Whenever he had a negative thought, he tried to ask himself if it failed to meet the basic standards of respect. A thought like, I’ll just tell Julia the store was out of milk instead of admitting I forgot to buy it doesn’t demonstrate basic respect toward Julia. A thought like, It’s pathetic the way I’m always lying and making excuses doesn’t demonstrate basic respect to Dan himself.
Every time he slipped up, Dan reminded himself, It’s not you that’s bad, it’s your behavior. That’s true for your adaptive strategies too, by the way: you’re not a bad person, you’re just behaving badly.
By practicing mindfulness and working on rewiring his neural pathways, Dan had a breakthrough. He came home late from work one evening, and instead of spinning a story about a last-minute assignment from his boss, he told the truth: he’d gone out for a drink with his coworker and forgot to call.
Then something crucial happened. Dan was expecting to get in trouble – he hadn’t behaved perfectly. If his mom were still around, she would have been furious at him. But Julia is not Dan’s mom. She didn’t mind that he was late. In fact, she was thrilled he’d told the truth. Dan had what’s known as a corrective emotional experience. He’d always lied because he’d learned telling the truth led to a negative outcome. Julia’s positive reaction to his honesty helped him see how damaging and unhelpful his adaptive strategy had become. Although it served him well in childhood, in his warm, loving, adult relationship it just wasn’t needed.
---
To move through conflict, ditch the core negative image.
What does an individualistic romantic relationship have in common with a seesaw? It’s a constant shift from being higher or lower than the other person. When you’re operating in a you-and-me consciousness, there’s never balance and harmony.
And here’s the scary truth. It’s all too easy to move from a you-and-me consciousness to a you-versus-me consciousness. Remember how, in stressful situations, you might summon your adaptive child rather than your wise adult? Well, that’s not the only thing you bring along. Often, you end up fighting with your core negative image of your partner – basically, it’s the cartoon villain version of your partner you create in your mind, comprising all their worst, most annoying traits. Does this version of your partner actually exist? No – they’re a product of your imagination. But when your relationship with your partner is going badly, you might feel like you wake up next to their core negative image every morning and go to sleep next to them every night. Not exactly the stuff romantic dreams are made of.
And guess what? Your partner has a core negative image of you too. In fact, you probably have a good idea of what that negative image looks like. Let’s say you’re a little disorganized. And that’s really frustrating to your type-A partner. When you miss important appointments, your partner’s core negative image of you is triggered. You’re thoughtless and entitled and spoiled and – the list goes on. Now, you’re riled up: you conveniently ignore there’s some truth to that image and opt to be outraged instead. How dare your partner think so little of you?!
You’re getting the picture, right? The core negative image is completely unproductive. What’s worse, it can be magnified around a particular issue, making it almost impossible to resolve conflict. Let’s look at a pretty standard situation. Alex wants to have more sex with his wife, Tracey. Tracey feels like, when it comes to sex, Alex doesn’t listen to her needs and desires. This isn’t an unsolvable problem . . . until the core negative images come into it. Of course Tracey will never want sex, Alex thinks – she’s terminally frigid. Of course Alex will never turn me on, thinks Tracey – he’s completely insensitive. Once they’ve activated these images, Tracey and Alex are stuck.
The solution to this problem is actually pretty simple. Tracey and Alex need to let go of the ego and start thinking about the eco – as in the ecology of their relationship. When you operate with an us-consciousness, you understand that your romantic relationship is a space where you both live. Poisoning that ecology with toxic behavior hurts you just as much as it hurts your partner. Of course, in our individualistically oriented society, shifting into us-consciousness is easier said than done. So here are a few more concrete tips.
First, resist hanging on to your core negative image of your partner. It’s a hop, skip, and a jump from “He is so insensitive” to the sentence construction that sends chills down a relationship therapist’s spine: “He always . . .” or “She never . . . .” Framing your partner’s behavior as permanent and unchangeable means you’ve given up on resolving conflicts even before they arise.
Next, try something called redistribution. What hurts you most in your partner’s actions is often something you’re secretly ashamed of in your own behavior. Say you hate your partner’s hot temper but respond with passive aggression. Well, that’s just another form of rage. Owning up to shared flaws can help you move past them.
Finally, find the shared objective. You’d be surprised – even bitter arguments often center on a shared goal. For Tracey and Alex, that goal is a more fulfilling sex life. Once the goal is established, shift the conversation. Instead of “I want more sex,” ask, “How can we improve our intimacy?”
Remember, you can’t have power with someone, only over them. Abandoning power struggles and point-scoring is the best way to truly empower your relationship.
---
Don’t just recover from trauma – rebuild.
Sometimes, something in our relationship breaks so dramatically that it’s not just our partner, but our whole world, that seems changed. Some traumas are so shattering that they reconfigure our reality entirely. The psychologist Ronnie Janoff-Bulman describes it like this: You’re standing in the kitchen when you lean against the wall, and you sink right through it. You’re not just wary of walls now. You’re wary of everything. If you can sink through a wall, what else can you sink through? It’s the same when a crucial point of trust is broken with your partner. If they could do this to me, you think, what else could they have done?
But there’s a silver lining here. Once the reality of your relationship has shattered, you have a chance to reconstruct it. Every relationship will have a rock-bottom moment, whether it’s brought about by a single event – like an affair – or a gradual wearing down. If you and your partner hit rock bottom as “you” and “me,” now you have a wonderful opportunity to rebuild as “us.”
Let’s take a look at one couple that have just hit rock bottom. Dina and Juan have been together for ten years. But Juan has just found out that Dina’s been having an affair for the past two years. He’s devastated. And angry. But, luckily, he’s open to working on things – and Dina is too.
The first tool their relationship counselor gives them is the feedback wheel, a four-part conversational structure developed by therapist Janet Hurley. Tell your partner: This is what happened. This is the story I’m telling myself about what happened. This is how I felt. And, most importantly, This would help me heal.
It’s not enough to explain to your partner why you’re hurting. You need to help them help you. In an individualistic mindset, you expect others to meet your needs. But when you think in terms of “us,” it becomes obvious that guiding your partner to better support you is something that helps them and you.
Back to Dina and Juan. The feedback wheel helps them move through their broken trust. But that’s not all.
Juan also realizes he’s brought some harmful internal narratives to their relationship. His father was hot-tempered and prone to violence. As a result, Juan’s adaptive strategy is to keep the peace – at all costs. Throughout his relationship with Dina, he’s been telling himself that keeping his thoughts to himself keeps his relationship safe. In truth, his reserve has been keeping him from speaking up about issues that really bother him – and it has been pushing Dina away. So he works on establishing a new narrative: My relationship with Dina is more fulfilling when I advocate for my needs.
After the trauma of infidelity, Dina and Juan wanted to repair their broken trust. They ended up repairing so much more. Before infidelity, they were a “you” and a “me.” Now, they’re an “us.”
---
With relationships, a you-and-me-consciousness results in point-scoring and power struggles. For real romantic fulfillment, let go of the ego and embrace putting “us” before “you” and “me.” Helpful strategies for achieving this include parenting your adaptive child, letting go of negative core images, and implementing us-focused feedback.
And here’s one last piece of advice: Be a safe space for your partner.
If you’re in the middle of a fight and you notice your partner’s adaptive child has taken over, what should you do? Stop trying to win the argument, and instead make yourself a safe space for your partner. It’s when children feel unsafe that they first form their adaptive strategies. When your partner is comforted – and back to their wise adult self – you can resume your discussion.
January 10, 2024
Some great info. Read it to pick and choose what you need. I will read more of his books. I listened and enjoyed the story telling feel. His relationship examples are relatable. I have attended a marriage retreat put on by one of his followers. Excellent.
January 15, 2025
The case studies were particularly interesting. I found myself relating to many of them. Then, there is a shift to the political: "Moving beyond you and me consciousness, beyond the Adaptive Child, beyond individualism means moving beyond centuries of patriarchy -- male privilege, racism, white privilege, xenophobia and homophobia". It becomes clear that Terrence Real wants us to embrace democracy. "Democracy, not as an ideal but rather as a guiding principle, a personal practice, a map of how we should live our lives."
Democracy is the cure of abiding illness -- the Great Lie that one person or group is better than anyone else -- and the illusion that anyone can win or lose with no connection to anyone else."
He advocates for full respect living, for ourselves and our partners. It's a minute-to-minute practice.
A successful relationship is an exercise in the common good. Not of compromise or of seeing one side as right and the other as wrong, but as moving forward as a collective.
Trade in the Great Life of superiority and inferiority, and step into the humility of knowing we are not above but a part of our marriages, our families, our society, our planet.
Speaking for repair: 1) This is what I recollect happened.2) This is what I made up about it. 3) This is what I felt. 4) This is what would make me feel better.
Tone trumps content.
"Embrace what you do have, and allow it to be enough, to be an occasion of joy."
Democracy is the cure of abiding illness -- the Great Lie that one person or group is better than anyone else -- and the illusion that anyone can win or lose with no connection to anyone else."
He advocates for full respect living, for ourselves and our partners. It's a minute-to-minute practice.
A successful relationship is an exercise in the common good. Not of compromise or of seeing one side as right and the other as wrong, but as moving forward as a collective.
Trade in the Great Life of superiority and inferiority, and step into the humility of knowing we are not above but a part of our marriages, our families, our society, our planet.
Speaking for repair: 1) This is what I recollect happened.2) This is what I made up about it. 3) This is what I felt. 4) This is what would make me feel better.
Tone trumps content.
"Embrace what you do have, and allow it to be enough, to be an occasion of joy."
April 9, 2024
Am început să citesc serios volume de non-ficțiune anul trecut și mă bucur de fiecare dată când găsesc recomandări de astfel de cărți care îmi și plac, cu care sunt pe aceeași lungime sau din care am de învățat. Pentru că asta sunt non-ficțiunile pentru mine: ocazii de învățare, de reflecție, de momente de "aha!" și de conștientizare.
"Noi. Secretele unei relații armonioase și durabile" nu este, contrar a ceea ce am crezut la prima vedere, un ghid, o listă de x sfaturi despre cum să ai relația perfectă, ci o serie de cazuri din experiența autorului cu diverse tipologii de oameni și relații și modurile în care partenerii au depășit problemele cu care se confruntau.
3 idei cu care am rămas la final de lectură:
- este nevoie ca partenerii să funcționeze precum o echipă, să gândim în termeni de "noi" și nu de "tu și eu". Suntem făcuți pentru a trăi alături de alți oameni, iar individualismul nu face altceva decât să sape gropi sau să ridice ziduri, să separe.
- totul ține de noi și de alegerile pe care le luăm în fiecare moment ca adulți înțelepți și din postura unor copii adaptativi, care apar în situațiile în care se întâmplă ceva ce nu convine sau care nu se petrece așa cum ne dorim.
- comunicare, comunicare și ascultare conștientă - "Există un câmp dincolo de bine sau rău...ne întâlnim acolo" (Rumi, poet antic persan)
"Noi. Secretele unei relații armonioase și durabile" nu este, contrar a ceea ce am crezut la prima vedere, un ghid, o listă de x sfaturi despre cum să ai relația perfectă, ci o serie de cazuri din experiența autorului cu diverse tipologii de oameni și relații și modurile în care partenerii au depășit problemele cu care se confruntau.
3 idei cu care am rămas la final de lectură:
- este nevoie ca partenerii să funcționeze precum o echipă, să gândim în termeni de "noi" și nu de "tu și eu". Suntem făcuți pentru a trăi alături de alți oameni, iar individualismul nu face altceva decât să sape gropi sau să ridice ziduri, să separe.
- totul ține de noi și de alegerile pe care le luăm în fiecare moment ca adulți înțelepți și din postura unor copii adaptativi, care apar în situațiile în care se întâmplă ceva ce nu convine sau care nu se petrece așa cum ne dorim.
- comunicare, comunicare și ascultare conștientă - "Există un câmp dincolo de bine sau rău...ne întâlnim acolo" (Rumi, poet antic persan)
March 5, 2024
În această carte, autorul subliniază modul în care societatea noastră este aplecată să impulsioneze individualismul, care de multe ori îi determină pe oamenii dintr-o relație să se lupte cu unghii și dinți pentru a avea dreptate, în loc să fie fericiți. Această carte te obligă să vezi cum unele lucrurile care te-ar putea face un angajat minunat, de succes, te-ar putea face de fapt un partener de viață de rahat.
Ca iubitoare a cărților de dragoste, a puterii iubirii și a conexiunii dintre cele două persoane dintr-un cuplu, chiar mi s-a părut o lectură foarte interesant de parcurs.
Această carte este recomandată cuplurilor căsătorite, cuplurilor care se află în relații monogame, cat și acelora persoane care pur și simplu își doresc să descopere cat mai multe informații despre relaționare.
Ca iubitoare a cărților de dragoste, a puterii iubirii și a conexiunii dintre cele două persoane dintr-un cuplu, chiar mi s-a părut o lectură foarte interesant de parcurs.
Această carte este recomandată cuplurilor căsătorite, cuplurilor care se află în relații monogame, cat și acelora persoane care pur și simplu își doresc să descopere cat mai multe informații despre relaționare.
July 24, 2022
This book is excellent at explaining why fighting as “you and me” rather than “us” is a no-win situation. I’ve been divorced a couple times and I think if I had read this book (with my husband doing his part) I wouldn’t have had such a rough go of it. The suggested solutions seem doable, and after reading a few chapters, I found myself both talking to my husband in a different way and hearing him in a different way. He’s listening to the book on audio while I read the hardcover book. It’s excellent advice that married people should take to heart. I think the writer is dead right about individualism wrecking our humanity, too. Read this book!
October 25, 2023
A must read.
« Collectively and personally, we stand in desperate need of a new paradigm. The relational answer to the question “Who’s right and who’s wrong?” is “Who cares?” The real question is “How are we as a team going to approach the issue at hand in a way that works for both of us?” »
« There is no place for objective reality in personal relationships. »
« tell my clients that whenever one of their inner children kicks up, they should put the child on their lap, put their arms around them, listen compassionately to whatever they need to say, and take their sticky hands off the steering wheel. They are not driving the bus; you are, the prefrontal cortex, the Wise Adult. »
« Collectively and personally, we stand in desperate need of a new paradigm. The relational answer to the question “Who’s right and who’s wrong?” is “Who cares?” The real question is “How are we as a team going to approach the issue at hand in a way that works for both of us?” »
« There is no place for objective reality in personal relationships. »
« tell my clients that whenever one of their inner children kicks up, they should put the child on their lap, put their arms around them, listen compassionately to whatever they need to say, and take their sticky hands off the steering wheel. They are not driving the bus; you are, the prefrontal cortex, the Wise Adult. »
July 11, 2022
A bit repetitive and disorganized at times but overall an incredibly profound and impactful book, forcing me to look inward and psychoanalyze my own "adaptive child" tendencies that inhibit my capacity for relationship. I look forward to implementing Real's strategies and wisdom into my own relationships, focusing less on the lonely island that is individualism, and instead recognizing the merits of community. Compassion for the other produces harmony for the whole. I love that (:
...also maybe I need therapy????
...also maybe I need therapy????
April 5, 2024
Nothing like reading a therapist recommended book to really open your eyes! The first 3/4 of this book was really great and beneficial to me. I felt seen and also learned a lot of great ways to better myself within my relationships, whether romantic or platonic. The last 1/4 was pretty confusing and didn’t seem to mesh along with the rest of the book, so that’s why the 3 stars.
January 19, 2023
Awful book full of the author mansplaining to everyone, and not offering much good advice.
April 4, 2025
Autorul, Terrence Real, este terapeut specializat în consilierea cuplurilor aflate în pragul despărțirii. Se confruntă zilnic cu efectele toxice ale atitudinii dominatoare, delăsătoare, ignorante sau egoiste.
Atunci când într-o relație vrei să ai mereu dreptate este imposibil să nu se genereze certuri inutile.
Cu o abordare diferită putem avea o relație armonioasă, în termeni de “Noi”. Simplu de spus, greu de făcut.
Cartea este ușor de parcurs, scrisă cu umor și plină cu sfaturi de pus în practică. Nu abundă în teorii pe care să nu le înțelegi sau care să îngreuneze lectura. Nu aduce idei revoluționare și nu ne schimbă viața, dar ne ajută să conștientizăm că relaționarea și ascultarea conștientă este baza unei relații de durată.
Atunci când într-o relație vrei să ai mereu dreptate este imposibil să nu se genereze certuri inutile.
Cu o abordare diferită putem avea o relație armonioasă, în termeni de “Noi”. Simplu de spus, greu de făcut.
Cartea este ușor de parcurs, scrisă cu umor și plină cu sfaturi de pus în practică. Nu abundă în teorii pe care să nu le înțelegi sau care să îngreuneze lectura. Nu aduce idei revoluționare și nu ne schimbă viața, dar ne ajută să conștientizăm că relaționarea și ascultarea conștientă este baza unei relații de durată.
December 3, 2025
Takeaways from reading the book:
What can you do to learn about who you are?
- Page 24: Invite people to give feedback feedback.
- Page 116: Realize that shame, i.e. feeling less than, is a lie. Why? Because everyone has equal dignity.
- Page 116: Realize that feeling superior / better than other is a lie. Why? Because everyone has equal dignity.
- Page 124: The emotion, which drives both feeling less than and feeling better than is contempt. Micro-aggression is an example of contempt. To get free of contempt, commit to a full respect living.
- Page 126: If a person was treated harshly, his or her self talk will probably be harsh.
- Page 166: How you see something will determine how you feel about it. Emotions follow cognition.
What characterizes the individualist?
- Page x: Bruce Springsteen realized that he was subject to a legacy that had been passed down from generation to generation in his Italian-Irish family. A long and stubborn stream of mental illness and dysfunction manifested itself in his life as a deep recurring depression. Bruce Springsteen had a fear of exposing his inner life to anyone besides 20,000 strangers at an arena. The eye to eye democracy of real adult love struck fear and insecurity deep in his heart.
- Page 7: The individualist focuses on "you" and "me". The wise adult focuses on the relationship, i.e. "us"?
- Page 7: The individualist lives in the past. The wise adult lives in the present.
- Page 8: The individualist focuses on black and white. The thinking of the wise adult is nuanced.
- Page 8: The individualist is perfectionistic. The wise adult is realistic.
- Page 8: The individualist is relentless. The wise adult is forgiving.
- Page 8: The individualist is rigid. The wise adult is flexible.
- Page 8: The individualist is harsh. The wise adult is warm.
- Page 8: The individualist is certain. The wise adult is humble.
- Page 8: The individualist is tight in the body. The wise adult is relaxed in the body.
- Page 15: The individualist has 3 reactions: Fight, flight / flee or fix.
- Page 15: The individualist flees by lying, ignoring or running away.
- Page 20: The word "individual" comes from the term "indivisible."
- Page 37: When a person feels stress, the individualist takes over.
- Page 39: A belief of individualism is that man is above nature.
- Page 63: The individualist wants to be right.
- Page 63: Every bully is wounded inside. Superiority and inferiority are flip sides of the same coin.
- Page 64: About half of people, who suffer from narcissism, are driven by inward shame. The other half simply think they are better than everyone else.
- Page 80: In earlier centuries, the ability to think of yourself as an individual meant that you were white, male, and wealthy. Women, children, poor people, enslaved people and people of color were not individuals.
- Page 109: Individualism celebrates separateness.
What characterizes relationships and collaboration?
- Page 18: In your close relationship, urgency is your enemy and breath is your friend. Breath can change your heart rate and your thinking physiologically.
- Page 25: Partners in close relationships co-regulate each others' nervous systems, cortisol (stress hormone) levels, and immune responsiveness. Secure relationships lead to increased immunity and less disease.
- Page 32: Connection with a caregiver floods a child with oxytocin and a cascade of the body's own endogenous opioids, securing attachment.
- Page 32: Between caregiver and child courses and endless repetition of harmony, disharmony and repair.
- Page 37: Holding hands increases security, decreases fear, and reduces pain.
- Page 85: "Us" consciousness means embracing unity.
- Page 86: If one partner wins while the other loses, they both lose.
- Page 117: The world of us rests on a foundation of collaboration with one another and with nature.
- Page 150: Feeling safety in another person consists of 1) the absence of an agenda and 2) the absence of judgment.
- Page 161: There are two kinds of couples - those who fight and those who distance. Fighters recall the good and what holds them together - their "us".
- Page 172: To help your partner feel better, listen. Be present.
- Page 219: To help a person feel less sad, try saying this, "I am sorry you feel sad. Can I say or do anything now that might help?"
What questions can you ask to strengthen a relationship?
- Page 47: What is the thing you are about to say going to feel like to the person you are speaking to?
- Page 57: With whom can you share emotional vulnerability?
- Page 57: How did you learn to express emotions you feel?
- Page 99: What is your partner's core negative image of you? Examples: 1. The perfectionist. 2. The controller. 3. The pleaser. 4. The avoider.
- Page 107: To what extent do you give to your partner what you need from your partner? Be the change you wish for. Example: If you want more kindness, be kind.
Additional research from the book:
- Page 56: A child can get hurt when 1) he or she is left alone and7or 2) when his or her boundaries are not respected.
- Pages 58-60: A child can get hurt when 1) he or she is made the "star performer" and/or 2) being sworn at.
- Page 217: Studies show that 22% of American adults say they often or always feel lonely or socially isolated. Also, 20% say that they rarely or never feel close to people. Studies in other countries echo these findings.
What can you do to learn about who you are?
- Page 24: Invite people to give feedback feedback.
- Page 116: Realize that shame, i.e. feeling less than, is a lie. Why? Because everyone has equal dignity.
- Page 116: Realize that feeling superior / better than other is a lie. Why? Because everyone has equal dignity.
- Page 124: The emotion, which drives both feeling less than and feeling better than is contempt. Micro-aggression is an example of contempt. To get free of contempt, commit to a full respect living.
- Page 126: If a person was treated harshly, his or her self talk will probably be harsh.
- Page 166: How you see something will determine how you feel about it. Emotions follow cognition.
What characterizes the individualist?
- Page x: Bruce Springsteen realized that he was subject to a legacy that had been passed down from generation to generation in his Italian-Irish family. A long and stubborn stream of mental illness and dysfunction manifested itself in his life as a deep recurring depression. Bruce Springsteen had a fear of exposing his inner life to anyone besides 20,000 strangers at an arena. The eye to eye democracy of real adult love struck fear and insecurity deep in his heart.
- Page 7: The individualist focuses on "you" and "me". The wise adult focuses on the relationship, i.e. "us"?
- Page 7: The individualist lives in the past. The wise adult lives in the present.
- Page 8: The individualist focuses on black and white. The thinking of the wise adult is nuanced.
- Page 8: The individualist is perfectionistic. The wise adult is realistic.
- Page 8: The individualist is relentless. The wise adult is forgiving.
- Page 8: The individualist is rigid. The wise adult is flexible.
- Page 8: The individualist is harsh. The wise adult is warm.
- Page 8: The individualist is certain. The wise adult is humble.
- Page 8: The individualist is tight in the body. The wise adult is relaxed in the body.
- Page 15: The individualist has 3 reactions: Fight, flight / flee or fix.
- Page 15: The individualist flees by lying, ignoring or running away.
- Page 20: The word "individual" comes from the term "indivisible."
- Page 37: When a person feels stress, the individualist takes over.
- Page 39: A belief of individualism is that man is above nature.
- Page 63: The individualist wants to be right.
- Page 63: Every bully is wounded inside. Superiority and inferiority are flip sides of the same coin.
- Page 64: About half of people, who suffer from narcissism, are driven by inward shame. The other half simply think they are better than everyone else.
- Page 80: In earlier centuries, the ability to think of yourself as an individual meant that you were white, male, and wealthy. Women, children, poor people, enslaved people and people of color were not individuals.
- Page 109: Individualism celebrates separateness.
What characterizes relationships and collaboration?
- Page 18: In your close relationship, urgency is your enemy and breath is your friend. Breath can change your heart rate and your thinking physiologically.
- Page 25: Partners in close relationships co-regulate each others' nervous systems, cortisol (stress hormone) levels, and immune responsiveness. Secure relationships lead to increased immunity and less disease.
- Page 32: Connection with a caregiver floods a child with oxytocin and a cascade of the body's own endogenous opioids, securing attachment.
- Page 32: Between caregiver and child courses and endless repetition of harmony, disharmony and repair.
- Page 37: Holding hands increases security, decreases fear, and reduces pain.
- Page 85: "Us" consciousness means embracing unity.
- Page 86: If one partner wins while the other loses, they both lose.
- Page 117: The world of us rests on a foundation of collaboration with one another and with nature.
- Page 150: Feeling safety in another person consists of 1) the absence of an agenda and 2) the absence of judgment.
- Page 161: There are two kinds of couples - those who fight and those who distance. Fighters recall the good and what holds them together - their "us".
- Page 172: To help your partner feel better, listen. Be present.
- Page 219: To help a person feel less sad, try saying this, "I am sorry you feel sad. Can I say or do anything now that might help?"
What questions can you ask to strengthen a relationship?
- Page 47: What is the thing you are about to say going to feel like to the person you are speaking to?
- Page 57: With whom can you share emotional vulnerability?
- Page 57: How did you learn to express emotions you feel?
- Page 99: What is your partner's core negative image of you? Examples: 1. The perfectionist. 2. The controller. 3. The pleaser. 4. The avoider.
- Page 107: To what extent do you give to your partner what you need from your partner? Be the change you wish for. Example: If you want more kindness, be kind.
Additional research from the book:
- Page 56: A child can get hurt when 1) he or she is left alone and7or 2) when his or her boundaries are not respected.
- Pages 58-60: A child can get hurt when 1) he or she is made the "star performer" and/or 2) being sworn at.
- Page 217: Studies show that 22% of American adults say they often or always feel lonely or socially isolated. Also, 20% say that they rarely or never feel close to people. Studies in other countries echo these findings.
January 26, 2024
I read this primarily because Bruce Springsteen wrote the forward. I really loved the criticism of the individual and patriarchy as pillars of our (failing) society. Most of the couples he talked about were white and heterosexual, but he devotes the last chapter to a Black couple and talks a lot about race and the manifestation of generational trauma. I think this is a really approachable read for people seeking connection not just within a marriage, but in the world in general.
August 13, 2025
Audio version. If you read or listen to only one therapy themed book, read this one. I liked it so much that I ordered a hardcover so I can read it again, underline, and take notes. Really makes me think. Solid info based on research and decades of experience. Interesting tag phrases and concepts. My husband is also going to read it and we'll talk about how it speaks to each of us.
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