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What Doesn't Kill Us Makes Us: Who We Become After Tragedy and Trauma
A deep examination of what happens after life-altering events--from devastating car accidents to yearslong incarceration--and how we forge new identities when our lives are cleaved irrevocably.
"What doesn't kill us makes us stronger," the adage--adapted from Nietzsche's famous maxim--goes. But how much truth is there to that ubiquitous, inexhaustible saying? Tracing the lives of six people who have experienced profoundly life-changing events, journalist Mike Mariani explores the nuances and largely uncharted territory of what happens after one's life is severed into a before and after. If what doesn't kill us does not necessarily make us stronger, he asks, what does it make us?
When his own life was transformed by the onset of a chronic illness, Mariani turned inward, changing his bustling, exuberant lifestyle into something more contemplative and deliberate. In this ambitious work of narrative reporting, he uses his own experience, as well as lessons from psychology, literature, mythology, and religion, to tell the stories of people living what he describes as "afterlives." His subjects' harrowing episodes range from a paralyzing car crash to a personality-altering traumatic brain injury to an accidental homicide that resulted in a sentence of life imprisonment. Their "afterlives," Mariani argues, have compelled them to supercharge their identities, narrowing and deepening their focus to find a sense of meaning--whether through academia or religion or ministering to others--in lives sundered by tragedy. Only then can these people truly reinvent themselves, testifying to their own unseen multitudes and the valiant mutability of the human spirit.
Delving into lives we rarely see in such meticulous detail--lives filled with struggle, loss, perseverance, transformation, and triumph--Mariani leads us into some of the darkest corners of human existence, only to reveal our endless capacity for kindling new light.
"What doesn't kill us makes us stronger," the adage--adapted from Nietzsche's famous maxim--goes. But how much truth is there to that ubiquitous, inexhaustible saying? Tracing the lives of six people who have experienced profoundly life-changing events, journalist Mike Mariani explores the nuances and largely uncharted territory of what happens after one's life is severed into a before and after. If what doesn't kill us does not necessarily make us stronger, he asks, what does it make us?
When his own life was transformed by the onset of a chronic illness, Mariani turned inward, changing his bustling, exuberant lifestyle into something more contemplative and deliberate. In this ambitious work of narrative reporting, he uses his own experience, as well as lessons from psychology, literature, mythology, and religion, to tell the stories of people living what he describes as "afterlives." His subjects' harrowing episodes range from a paralyzing car crash to a personality-altering traumatic brain injury to an accidental homicide that resulted in a sentence of life imprisonment. Their "afterlives," Mariani argues, have compelled them to supercharge their identities, narrowing and deepening their focus to find a sense of meaning--whether through academia or religion or ministering to others--in lives sundered by tragedy. Only then can these people truly reinvent themselves, testifying to their own unseen multitudes and the valiant mutability of the human spirit.
Delving into lives we rarely see in such meticulous detail--lives filled with struggle, loss, perseverance, transformation, and triumph--Mariani leads us into some of the darkest corners of human existence, only to reveal our endless capacity for kindling new light.
359 pages, Hardcover
Published August 30, 2022
89 people are currently reading
7388 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 38 reviews
April 22, 2023
I won this as a goodreads giveaway. Thank you Ballantine Books and Penguin Random House.
Serendipity stuck with this one. It showed up at the correct time in my life. This book draws heavily on 2 Corinthians 12:10 and the Friedrich Nietzsche aphorism “What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger”.
The writer, Mike Mariani, speaks of his own struggles and introduces us to others who have faced additional struggles. Many of the people featured in this book could have given up after facing their respective struggles. They all had low periods, but never gave up.
One of two things happen, when many of the experiences of this book occur. The first one is you let it take over your life and you can’t see any end to it. Or the second, you fight and never stop fighting till the fight can have a positive outcome.
Take the time to read this one.
Serendipity stuck with this one. It showed up at the correct time in my life. This book draws heavily on 2 Corinthians 12:10 and the Friedrich Nietzsche aphorism “What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger”.
The writer, Mike Mariani, speaks of his own struggles and introduces us to others who have faced additional struggles. Many of the people featured in this book could have given up after facing their respective struggles. They all had low periods, but never gave up.
One of two things happen, when many of the experiences of this book occur. The first one is you let it take over your life and you can’t see any end to it. Or the second, you fight and never stop fighting till the fight can have a positive outcome.
Take the time to read this one.
July 7, 2022
Six people are grouped together in this book that are diverse and yet, they all have faced an intense breaking point in their lives. Each person had to search for a new awakening and the findings were approached in a scholarly manner.
Sophie Papp is from Victoria, British Columbia. She was riding in a car when her cousin who was driving lost control. Sophie was rushed to the hospital with a serious brain injury. When she regained her consciousness, this quiet easy-going young girl was now talkative with a higher degree of intelligence.
Valerie Piro from NYC was also in a car accident in 2008. The doctors spent six hours rebuilding her 7th cervical vertebra with metal plates and screws. She lost the ability to feel below her sternum and said it felt like she touched a body that wasn’t hers.
Gina Applebee from Charleston, SC was born as a twin with her sister Andrea. During the delivery in 1985, there were problems and Gina couldn’t breathe. She was literally fighting for her life. She ended up with a rare genetic disorder that caused her retinal cells to gradually deteriorate.
Jason Dixon graduated in 1997 from High School in Central Florida. He enjoyed the life of parties and met a girl from Pittsburgh. He decided to move there to be with her. He packed his belongings and some pain pills which were used by a relative that had died. It was his intention to sell them. However, he started taking the OxyContin. Next was Heroin and a run of bad decisions to pay for his drug addiction which sent him to prison.
Sean Taylor was from Aurora, CO. He was part of a gang and as a young teenager, his gun went off and the bullet went inside someone’s home and killed a young boy. He turned himself in and was sent to prison.
JR Vigil, born in 1980, was in a car accident in Guam. He had a traumatic brain injury with 42 days in ICU. Both legs had to be amputated while he was in a coma.
The author also wrote about his diagnosis with chronic fatigue syndrome. He had been an English professor at a local college in NY. He questioned how an illness, serious injury or catastrophe can change a person’s life and identity. The reader is challenged to look deep into the souls of these individuals with some quotes from Nietzsche and other well-known philosophers. The six interviewed had extreme cases of pain and it’s terrifying to think of what they endured.
It was clear that the author had piles of information in his head and could have easily written twice as much. There was an incredible amount of research done to create this book with a list of references at the end. It must have been an extensive process initially to eliminate all but six people. With each chapter, he wrote about the changes that happened in their lives – gradually over time -- which made it suspenseful.
I was impressed how he was able to convey such a detailed description of the places, feelings and thoughts of the individual profiles. His writing transports the reader to a place that makes you feel their pain with images that are strongly planted in the words. It's not a quick read as it takes some time to digest all he has to say. While there are parts that are lengthy, the material is awe-inspiring and thought provoking. This book is one that teaches about the human soul. As one of the participants said, “we love finding meaning” in life.
My thanks to Mike Mariani, Ballantine Books and NetGalley for allowing me to read this advanced copy with an expected release date of August 30, 2022.
Sophie Papp is from Victoria, British Columbia. She was riding in a car when her cousin who was driving lost control. Sophie was rushed to the hospital with a serious brain injury. When she regained her consciousness, this quiet easy-going young girl was now talkative with a higher degree of intelligence.
Valerie Piro from NYC was also in a car accident in 2008. The doctors spent six hours rebuilding her 7th cervical vertebra with metal plates and screws. She lost the ability to feel below her sternum and said it felt like she touched a body that wasn’t hers.
Gina Applebee from Charleston, SC was born as a twin with her sister Andrea. During the delivery in 1985, there were problems and Gina couldn’t breathe. She was literally fighting for her life. She ended up with a rare genetic disorder that caused her retinal cells to gradually deteriorate.
Jason Dixon graduated in 1997 from High School in Central Florida. He enjoyed the life of parties and met a girl from Pittsburgh. He decided to move there to be with her. He packed his belongings and some pain pills which were used by a relative that had died. It was his intention to sell them. However, he started taking the OxyContin. Next was Heroin and a run of bad decisions to pay for his drug addiction which sent him to prison.
Sean Taylor was from Aurora, CO. He was part of a gang and as a young teenager, his gun went off and the bullet went inside someone’s home and killed a young boy. He turned himself in and was sent to prison.
JR Vigil, born in 1980, was in a car accident in Guam. He had a traumatic brain injury with 42 days in ICU. Both legs had to be amputated while he was in a coma.
The author also wrote about his diagnosis with chronic fatigue syndrome. He had been an English professor at a local college in NY. He questioned how an illness, serious injury or catastrophe can change a person’s life and identity. The reader is challenged to look deep into the souls of these individuals with some quotes from Nietzsche and other well-known philosophers. The six interviewed had extreme cases of pain and it’s terrifying to think of what they endured.
It was clear that the author had piles of information in his head and could have easily written twice as much. There was an incredible amount of research done to create this book with a list of references at the end. It must have been an extensive process initially to eliminate all but six people. With each chapter, he wrote about the changes that happened in their lives – gradually over time -- which made it suspenseful.
I was impressed how he was able to convey such a detailed description of the places, feelings and thoughts of the individual profiles. His writing transports the reader to a place that makes you feel their pain with images that are strongly planted in the words. It's not a quick read as it takes some time to digest all he has to say. While there are parts that are lengthy, the material is awe-inspiring and thought provoking. This book is one that teaches about the human soul. As one of the participants said, “we love finding meaning” in life.
My thanks to Mike Mariani, Ballantine Books and NetGalley for allowing me to read this advanced copy with an expected release date of August 30, 2022.
February 4, 2023
mike mariani's what doesn't kill us makes us: who we become after tragedy and trauma is a deeply compelling look at the strength of resilience and how it can help us move on after the worst tragedies. mariani's book is highly introspective because he writes about his own experiences with loss and despair after his mother's death. he then broadens his focus to include the experiences of those who have survived tragic catastrophes thanks to their own inner fortitude.
informative and inspiring, mariani's book shows us that we can get through the worst times. he discusses how we can grow stronger and more resilient by drawing on his own experiences and those of the people he interviewed to understand how we can get through difficult times. he looks at how trauma affects a person emotionally and physically, as well as how it can be prevented and overcome.
the writing of mariani is lively and easy to follow, and he does a fantastic job of making his point obvious. he also offers helpful tips and techniques for developing one's own fortitude in the face of adversity. he urges people to practice kindness and compassion toward themselves and highlights the bright side of life.
a riveting and uplifting read, what doesn't kill us makes us is a must-read for anybody interested in learning how to go forward in the face of adversity. mariani's book serves as a powerful reminder of the value of resiliency and the fact that, despite overwhelming odds, we have the ability to overcome and thrive.
informative and inspiring, mariani's book shows us that we can get through the worst times. he discusses how we can grow stronger and more resilient by drawing on his own experiences and those of the people he interviewed to understand how we can get through difficult times. he looks at how trauma affects a person emotionally and physically, as well as how it can be prevented and overcome.
the writing of mariani is lively and easy to follow, and he does a fantastic job of making his point obvious. he also offers helpful tips and techniques for developing one's own fortitude in the face of adversity. he urges people to practice kindness and compassion toward themselves and highlights the bright side of life.
a riveting and uplifting read, what doesn't kill us makes us is a must-read for anybody interested in learning how to go forward in the face of adversity. mariani's book serves as a powerful reminder of the value of resiliency and the fact that, despite overwhelming odds, we have the ability to overcome and thrive.
June 9, 2022
I had an ARC from NetGalley. I work in trauma counseling so I thoroughly enjoyed the people in the book who had trauma and how they overcame. I did not get the authors added parts about his illness, it didn’t flow. The in between stories parts were wordy and not necessary and didn’t add to the transitions. I thought it was going to have a more scientific feel to it.
September 28, 2022
i was intrigued by the premise, but the book did not work as whole for me. the overarching theme did not quite pull the six stories together for me, so the book felt disjointed.
October 3, 2022
via my blog: https://bookstalkerblog.wordpress.com/
𝑻𝒉𝒆 𝒘𝒊𝒍𝒍 𝒂𝒏𝒅 𝒘𝒉𝒆𝒓𝒆𝒘𝒊𝒕𝒉𝒂𝒍 𝒃𝒐𝒓𝒏 𝒐𝒖𝒕 𝒐𝒇 𝒄𝒂𝒕𝒂𝒔𝒕𝒓𝒐𝒑𝒉𝒆 𝒄𝒂𝒏𝒏𝒐𝒕 𝒃𝒆 𝒔𝒉𝒐𝒘𝒄𝒂𝒔𝒆𝒅, 𝒈𝒍𝒐𝒓𝒊𝒇𝒊𝒆𝒅, 𝒐𝒓 𝒆𝒗𝒆𝒏 𝒓𝒆𝒍𝒊𝒂𝒃𝒍𝒚 𝒐𝒃𝒔𝒆𝒓𝒗𝒆𝒅, 𝒃𝒆𝒄𝒂𝒖𝒔𝒆 𝒊𝒕 𝒊𝒔 𝒔𝒖𝒃𝒋𝒆𝒄𝒕 𝒕𝒐 𝒄𝒐𝒏𝒔𝒕𝒂𝒏𝒕 𝒄𝒐𝒏𝒇𝒊𝒔𝒄𝒂𝒕𝒊𝒐𝒏, 𝒂 𝒅𝒂𝒊𝒍𝒚 𝒕𝒐𝒍𝒍 𝒕𝒉𝒂𝒕 𝒎𝒖𝒔𝒕 𝒃𝒆 𝒑𝒂𝒊𝒅 𝒔𝒐 𝒕𝒉𝒂𝒕 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒆𝒎𝒃𝒂𝒕𝒕𝒍𝒆𝒅 𝒎𝒂𝒚 𝒄𝒐𝒏𝒕𝒊𝒏𝒖𝒆 𝒑𝒓𝒐𝒈𝒓𝒆𝒔𝒔𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒕𝒉𝒓𝒐𝒖𝒈𝒉 𝒕𝒉𝒆𝒊𝒓 𝒍𝒊𝒗𝒆𝒔.
Afterlives is a fascinating word for people who have had misfortune dumped upon them. There is no end to feel good stories on television, in movies, and on bookshelves that recycle Nietzsche’s famous adage, “What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger.” Uplifting tales of untold horrors, trauma where the victim comes out on the other side strong as an oak, wise as an owl and almost euphoric in conquering their misfortune. I always wonder, then what? As human beings, our emotions aren’t static. Each day brings challenges, more so when your way of life has been upended. Coming through the other end of accidents, illnesses, trauma, mistakes or having been the victim of a brutal crime isn’t the end of a chapter that you never pick up again. Not for those living afterlives, where their place in life has been torn from its roots. What, then, do such catastrophic events make of us?
Mike Mariani found himself facing a life-altering, chronic illness, grasping at the meaning of suffering making for a stronger human being. The adage leaves out the fragility, vulnerability, anger, pain, disbelief, shame, sorrow, confusion, resentment that arrives with the new reality. These are challenges that come to define a person, whether they want them to or not. Life as they knew it has ceased to exist and it is disorientating, suddenly they are estranged from their own lives. Funny to read such a book on the heels of Covid-19 and the deep depression people felt collectively, the unreality of routines on hold. Imagine never getting back to what is normal for you. As I read this book, I took it personally, my own health struggles and those of loved ones. The world can feel like a cold place in the wake of diagnosis, blessed to be alive, but truly feeling crucified by your failing body. You have been evicted from your identity, in a sense, and there is no amount of rallying from others, nor a warrior like stance that is going to return you to the life that anchored you before. One day you have the strength to fight, the next you plummet, that’s the ugly truth.
Brutal crime is an entirely different beast, one that I won’t pretend to understand the ramifications of. There are innocent victims and perpetrators here, sometimes a person encompasses both. I won’t deny being inspired by Mike’s subjects, who are facing their own afterlives, ones they never opted to live, but don’t think it’s meant to be an uplifting, pleasurable read so you go back to your life feeling safe and secure, tragedy barred. Sure, they have withstood the very nightmares people fear, but their lives are evolving with each day they meet. There are new challenges to face, the past returns to torment, and sometimes, memories take flight altogether, leaving them betrayed by their own minds (not uncommon in brain injuries). Another casualty is loved ones of the victims, friends and family who are now meeting someone different from the person they knew. People drop off, just another loss to mourn. If you are of a religious bend, how do the miseries you now live with take on meaning, is it deserved punishment? Are you earning your place in heaven by bearing a cross? If you are into philosophy or art, is this a source for creation, all this undue suffering and misery? If your faith is in science, how do cold, hard facts now define your purpose, your existence? It’s terrifying how are beliefs are tested.
Not all those living afterlives are victims of circumstance, take Sean, who commits a crime at seventeen that leaves him sentenced to life in prison. What led to his choices, what followed? There are many types of prisons, anyone dealing with PTSD can attest to this. It’s not just physical, mental, nor emotional. These stories truly are about ‘reconstructing’ one’s life after ruin, how the expectations of ‘pulling yourself together’ is often unrealistic and just as traumatizing as the event itself. They are reports of adversity, resilience, humility, and grief- they are personal endeavors that take constant revision. There is beauty in the ‘refinement’ each person has undertaken, and incredible strength of character, and I don’t say that lightly. These are some of the heaviest wounds I have ever read about. They are all, like us, a work in progress, but facing much harder challenges. We don’t know what fate has in store for us, philosophy, religion, or science may be a balm for our pains, but there aren’t any words or discoveries that can encompass the shifts that take place after catastrophe, to think so is an assault.
The reader is confronted by invisible lives; it reminds me that you never know what someone else is going through. It is incredible that people give birth to a new way of life, sorting through what they can salvage and what they must discard to go on. Yes, read it!
𝗣𝘂𝗯𝗹𝗶𝗰𝗮𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻 𝗗𝗮𝘁𝗲: 𝗔𝘂𝗴𝘂𝘀𝘁 𝟑𝟎, 𝟐𝟎𝟐𝟐
𝗥𝗮𝗻𝗱𝗼𝗺 𝗛𝗼𝘂𝘀𝗲 𝗣𝘂𝗯𝗹𝗶𝘀𝗵𝗶𝗻𝗴
𝗕𝗮𝗹𝗹𝗮𝗻𝘁𝗶𝗻𝗲
𝑻𝒉𝒆 𝒘𝒊𝒍𝒍 𝒂𝒏𝒅 𝒘𝒉𝒆𝒓𝒆𝒘𝒊𝒕𝒉𝒂𝒍 𝒃𝒐𝒓𝒏 𝒐𝒖𝒕 𝒐𝒇 𝒄𝒂𝒕𝒂𝒔𝒕𝒓𝒐𝒑𝒉𝒆 𝒄𝒂𝒏𝒏𝒐𝒕 𝒃𝒆 𝒔𝒉𝒐𝒘𝒄𝒂𝒔𝒆𝒅, 𝒈𝒍𝒐𝒓𝒊𝒇𝒊𝒆𝒅, 𝒐𝒓 𝒆𝒗𝒆𝒏 𝒓𝒆𝒍𝒊𝒂𝒃𝒍𝒚 𝒐𝒃𝒔𝒆𝒓𝒗𝒆𝒅, 𝒃𝒆𝒄𝒂𝒖𝒔𝒆 𝒊𝒕 𝒊𝒔 𝒔𝒖𝒃𝒋𝒆𝒄𝒕 𝒕𝒐 𝒄𝒐𝒏𝒔𝒕𝒂𝒏𝒕 𝒄𝒐𝒏𝒇𝒊𝒔𝒄𝒂𝒕𝒊𝒐𝒏, 𝒂 𝒅𝒂𝒊𝒍𝒚 𝒕𝒐𝒍𝒍 𝒕𝒉𝒂𝒕 𝒎𝒖𝒔𝒕 𝒃𝒆 𝒑𝒂𝒊𝒅 𝒔𝒐 𝒕𝒉𝒂𝒕 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒆𝒎𝒃𝒂𝒕𝒕𝒍𝒆𝒅 𝒎𝒂𝒚 𝒄𝒐𝒏𝒕𝒊𝒏𝒖𝒆 𝒑𝒓𝒐𝒈𝒓𝒆𝒔𝒔𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒕𝒉𝒓𝒐𝒖𝒈𝒉 𝒕𝒉𝒆𝒊𝒓 𝒍𝒊𝒗𝒆𝒔.
Afterlives is a fascinating word for people who have had misfortune dumped upon them. There is no end to feel good stories on television, in movies, and on bookshelves that recycle Nietzsche’s famous adage, “What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger.” Uplifting tales of untold horrors, trauma where the victim comes out on the other side strong as an oak, wise as an owl and almost euphoric in conquering their misfortune. I always wonder, then what? As human beings, our emotions aren’t static. Each day brings challenges, more so when your way of life has been upended. Coming through the other end of accidents, illnesses, trauma, mistakes or having been the victim of a brutal crime isn’t the end of a chapter that you never pick up again. Not for those living afterlives, where their place in life has been torn from its roots. What, then, do such catastrophic events make of us?
Mike Mariani found himself facing a life-altering, chronic illness, grasping at the meaning of suffering making for a stronger human being. The adage leaves out the fragility, vulnerability, anger, pain, disbelief, shame, sorrow, confusion, resentment that arrives with the new reality. These are challenges that come to define a person, whether they want them to or not. Life as they knew it has ceased to exist and it is disorientating, suddenly they are estranged from their own lives. Funny to read such a book on the heels of Covid-19 and the deep depression people felt collectively, the unreality of routines on hold. Imagine never getting back to what is normal for you. As I read this book, I took it personally, my own health struggles and those of loved ones. The world can feel like a cold place in the wake of diagnosis, blessed to be alive, but truly feeling crucified by your failing body. You have been evicted from your identity, in a sense, and there is no amount of rallying from others, nor a warrior like stance that is going to return you to the life that anchored you before. One day you have the strength to fight, the next you plummet, that’s the ugly truth.
Brutal crime is an entirely different beast, one that I won’t pretend to understand the ramifications of. There are innocent victims and perpetrators here, sometimes a person encompasses both. I won’t deny being inspired by Mike’s subjects, who are facing their own afterlives, ones they never opted to live, but don’t think it’s meant to be an uplifting, pleasurable read so you go back to your life feeling safe and secure, tragedy barred. Sure, they have withstood the very nightmares people fear, but their lives are evolving with each day they meet. There are new challenges to face, the past returns to torment, and sometimes, memories take flight altogether, leaving them betrayed by their own minds (not uncommon in brain injuries). Another casualty is loved ones of the victims, friends and family who are now meeting someone different from the person they knew. People drop off, just another loss to mourn. If you are of a religious bend, how do the miseries you now live with take on meaning, is it deserved punishment? Are you earning your place in heaven by bearing a cross? If you are into philosophy or art, is this a source for creation, all this undue suffering and misery? If your faith is in science, how do cold, hard facts now define your purpose, your existence? It’s terrifying how are beliefs are tested.
Not all those living afterlives are victims of circumstance, take Sean, who commits a crime at seventeen that leaves him sentenced to life in prison. What led to his choices, what followed? There are many types of prisons, anyone dealing with PTSD can attest to this. It’s not just physical, mental, nor emotional. These stories truly are about ‘reconstructing’ one’s life after ruin, how the expectations of ‘pulling yourself together’ is often unrealistic and just as traumatizing as the event itself. They are reports of adversity, resilience, humility, and grief- they are personal endeavors that take constant revision. There is beauty in the ‘refinement’ each person has undertaken, and incredible strength of character, and I don’t say that lightly. These are some of the heaviest wounds I have ever read about. They are all, like us, a work in progress, but facing much harder challenges. We don’t know what fate has in store for us, philosophy, religion, or science may be a balm for our pains, but there aren’t any words or discoveries that can encompass the shifts that take place after catastrophe, to think so is an assault.
The reader is confronted by invisible lives; it reminds me that you never know what someone else is going through. It is incredible that people give birth to a new way of life, sorting through what they can salvage and what they must discard to go on. Yes, read it!
𝗣𝘂𝗯𝗹𝗶𝗰𝗮𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻 𝗗𝗮𝘁𝗲: 𝗔𝘂𝗴𝘂𝘀𝘁 𝟑𝟎, 𝟐𝟎𝟐𝟐
𝗥𝗮𝗻𝗱𝗼𝗺 𝗛𝗼𝘂𝘀𝗲 𝗣𝘂𝗯𝗹𝗶𝘀𝗵𝗶𝗻𝗴
𝗕𝗮𝗹𝗹𝗮𝗻𝘁𝗶𝗻𝗲
November 30, 2022
Fascinating non-fic. Couldn’t put it down! Definitely not dry; in fact, Mariani gets a bit flowery at times, but I liked him for it. It made me laugh, thinking, “He can’t resist.” Personable, but inexperienced-sounding writer. Material was presented clearly, intelligently, and compassionately beneath the occasional turn to self-indulgence.
The collection of people, their experiences, and their reactions that he followed through his thesis were varied and compelling, but there was a frustrating lack of discussion—or even acknowledgement sometimes!—that they all had the advantage of youth, all had some type of external support, emotionally and physically (albeit, some far more than others; and one definitely had a systemic disadvantage of intergenerational trauma, but I feel this was still largely ignored in the analysis). A significant portion had extreme financial support. It would have strengthened his argument to at least discuss, if not do a deep dive, into these weighty factors on change and growth.
If you liked The Body Holds the Score by Bessel van der Kolk, you’ll find this an engaging, thoughtful philosophical complement to that more practical book.
The collection of people, their experiences, and their reactions that he followed through his thesis were varied and compelling, but there was a frustrating lack of discussion—or even acknowledgement sometimes!—that they all had the advantage of youth, all had some type of external support, emotionally and physically (albeit, some far more than others; and one definitely had a systemic disadvantage of intergenerational trauma, but I feel this was still largely ignored in the analysis). A significant portion had extreme financial support. It would have strengthened his argument to at least discuss, if not do a deep dive, into these weighty factors on change and growth.
If you liked The Body Holds the Score by Bessel van der Kolk, you’ll find this an engaging, thoughtful philosophical complement to that more practical book.
July 28, 2022
Thanks to Netgalley for an ARC: This is a very important book. The author carefully examined how transformative events--events that significantly alter one's life--create a different afterlife. He argues that Nietzsche's "what doesn't kill us makes us stronger" is a flawed premise, but rather "what doesn't kill us, makes us." He carefully follows six people who have suffered life altering events: traumatic brain injury, spinal cord injury, incarceration along with other hurdles. Mariani himself found his life completely altered after the onset of chronic fatigue syndrome and he writes short chapters about his own life. I believe that almost everyone will experience a life event that cleaves their lives into a "before" and an "after" and this beautifully written, carefully researched book will offer a guide path for how the life that comes after, is ideally, a life that integrates the event and is fully realized. Ed Yong recommends this book and so do I.
August 2, 2023
Loving that the author has found a maxim that works for him. The overwhelming amount of unnecessarily placed SAT vocab words was kind of distracting to the overall point of the book, I think 😅. I appreciate the soft rejection of toxic positivity when it comes to the aftermath of experiencing traumatic life events. I feel it would be unfair to ask someone who has Just (emphasis on just) experienced a trauma of any kind to find something to be grateful for in that experience. Plus, it just feels invalidating to be told “this traumatic experience will only make you stronger!”, as if one then owes any future growth, progress, or success to a horrific, life-changing event (while at the same time totally ignoring the pain felt now). Sometimes it’s enough to just feel like shit that something bad happened (at least for as long as that serves you), re-evaluate what “normal” looks like for you, and then focus on what you learned, gained, lost, etc.
I would also argue that, as was suggested near the end of the book, we aren’t defined by our worst moments. Surviving a trauma inherently dysregulates our equilibrium for a while, but it doesn’t make our only identifying characteristic surviving that trauma. Of course, surviving a trauma causes us to adapt to new things in ways we didn’t expect, but it doesn’t magically give us the ability to be resilient or fortuitous — we all have these traits before, during, and after traumatic events. Maybe it’s not so much that what doesn’t kill us Makes us, but that what doesn’t kill us changes us (could be good, could be bad, could be both, could be neither!)
I would also argue that, as was suggested near the end of the book, we aren’t defined by our worst moments. Surviving a trauma inherently dysregulates our equilibrium for a while, but it doesn’t make our only identifying characteristic surviving that trauma. Of course, surviving a trauma causes us to adapt to new things in ways we didn’t expect, but it doesn’t magically give us the ability to be resilient or fortuitous — we all have these traits before, during, and after traumatic events. Maybe it’s not so much that what doesn’t kill us Makes us, but that what doesn’t kill us changes us (could be good, could be bad, could be both, could be neither!)
July 17, 2022
Thanks Netgalley for allowing me to read this book. Imagine feeling sick and lethargic and having no answers. After months of visiting doctors to finally getting a diagnosis and finding ways to adapt to your new normal. This makes the author question his life and the lives of others. This is an insightful and thought provoking journey that the author took us on.
December 2, 2022
4/5
“In difficult times you should always carry something beautiful in your mind” Philosopher Blaise Pascal’s quote used at the end was so beautiful and needed. I think the 6 “afterlives” covered and used to examine how we process trauma and tragedy were absolutely interesting and i highly suggest this to anyone and everyone.
“In difficult times you should always carry something beautiful in your mind” Philosopher Blaise Pascal’s quote used at the end was so beautiful and needed. I think the 6 “afterlives” covered and used to examine how we process trauma and tragedy were absolutely interesting and i highly suggest this to anyone and everyone.
September 19, 2023
somewhere in between 3 and 4 stars. i really liked this, but the way it meanders is probs not for everyone
February 19, 2024
it was OK. Just kind of heavy on the stories rather than what to do about the situation.
August 29, 2022
Trying to cope with his own traumas, former English professor and journalist Mike Mariani set out to discover commonalities in how people are affected by profoundly life-changing traumas. The author reviewed the scientific research on trauma and conducted dozens of interviews with people who had experienced catastrophic losses.
The author relates the stories of six individuals who experienced different types of traumas: accidents resulting in traumatic brain injury, paraplegia, and leg amputation; drug addiction and gang activity that resulted in imprisonment; and a genetic condition causing eventual blindness. Interspersed with these stories, he discusses his own experiences of early loss of a parent and chronic illness. He is very good at conveying people’s stories in a relatable way.
Overall, I found this book very informative and an interesting read. I liked how the author elucidated the various ways trauma changes us both for better and for worse. I read a lot about trauma, and this is one of the best books I’ve read on how those experiences affect our identity. My only complaints are minor. I sometimes had trouble following the stories of the six different individuals since the stories are interspersed over several chapters and it was easy for me to mix them up. In addition, he sometimes succumbs to purple prose, which I occasionally found tiring.
The book includes swearing and depictions of violence. Also, be aware that the author has an extensive vocabulary, and you might encounter some unfamiliar words.
I was provided an ARC through NetGalley that I volunteered to review.
The author relates the stories of six individuals who experienced different types of traumas: accidents resulting in traumatic brain injury, paraplegia, and leg amputation; drug addiction and gang activity that resulted in imprisonment; and a genetic condition causing eventual blindness. Interspersed with these stories, he discusses his own experiences of early loss of a parent and chronic illness. He is very good at conveying people’s stories in a relatable way.
Overall, I found this book very informative and an interesting read. I liked how the author elucidated the various ways trauma changes us both for better and for worse. I read a lot about trauma, and this is one of the best books I’ve read on how those experiences affect our identity. My only complaints are minor. I sometimes had trouble following the stories of the six different individuals since the stories are interspersed over several chapters and it was easy for me to mix them up. In addition, he sometimes succumbs to purple prose, which I occasionally found tiring.
The book includes swearing and depictions of violence. Also, be aware that the author has an extensive vocabulary, and you might encounter some unfamiliar words.
I was provided an ARC through NetGalley that I volunteered to review.
March 10, 2023
Thank you to the author and his six subjects for sharing their stories of transformed lives after significant accidents, illness and traumas. I couldn't put the book down and read far into the night (I felt like Valerie) when I should have been sleeping. I Googled some of the subjects after I read the book and they seemed to be doing okay, if not thriving. I felt really bad for Gina with her blindness, rape, and struggles within the unhelpful, even hostile University of Missouri geology academic community. (In fact, my husband was thinking of participating in a geology program there, but COVID-19 got in the way. After reading what happened to Gina at the geology department, I'll tell him not to reconsider that program and move on to something else.) I am interested in transpersonal psychology mentioned in the section about Gina and will look to see if there are any books available on it. I had never heard of it before. As an Asian-American, I felt a kinship with Valerie (I'm also a history nerd) and JR and also am pleased that they are successful in their chosen fields/careers. There were some lingering questions I had though. Where was the guide dog Mitchell when Gina was raped? Wasn't he in the apartment too and could have helped her in some way? When Gina went cycling, did he come along too? How would he keep up with a cyclist? Did Sophie go back on her SSRI medication after returning to Victoria?
January 18, 2024
We've all heard the cliched phrase "What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger."
Mariani pushes back against that concept. Trauma is traumatic. Through a set of deep case studies, he documents that painful struggle that can come from unexpected, life altering events. How it does impact the person you become - a person whose choices and outlook are quite different than they had been before the event. It's not about being stronger than if tragedy hadn't happened, or of any value such as good/bad, better/worse.
The one thing I did find problematic, particularly in the face of his premise that no one should be expected to be thankful for what happened to them, is that the people he interviewed and whose lives he studies were all extraordinary people, several reaching levels in higher education that put them in in the one half of one percent category without any caveats.
What I did appreciate is the idea that one can be clear-eye about one's new reality, pivot, and discover things that make meaning in one's life.
Mariani pushes back against that concept. Trauma is traumatic. Through a set of deep case studies, he documents that painful struggle that can come from unexpected, life altering events. How it does impact the person you become - a person whose choices and outlook are quite different than they had been before the event. It's not about being stronger than if tragedy hadn't happened, or of any value such as good/bad, better/worse.
The one thing I did find problematic, particularly in the face of his premise that no one should be expected to be thankful for what happened to them, is that the people he interviewed and whose lives he studies were all extraordinary people, several reaching levels in higher education that put them in in the one half of one percent category without any caveats.
What I did appreciate is the idea that one can be clear-eye about one's new reality, pivot, and discover things that make meaning in one's life.
September 27, 2023
I loved the concept of this book and the stories of the six different people, but it read like an academic paper in a PhD level literature class. I almost stopped reading this book for the annoying high end vocabulary I constantly had to look up. Some of the unnecessary descriptions made the text overly wordy, with hot-shot vocab words peppered everywhere. The mental caliber it takes to read this book will sadly keep some people away, making this book inaccessible to people groups who can't read graduate course level literature. Whenever Mike wasn't talking about the six people's stories, his writing read like a textbook. The only reason I recommend people to read this book, is for some of his thoughts on trauma, and the stories of the six people were fascinating. I want everyone to know Gina's amazing story. It was worth reading the book, just to learn about Gina, but I really had to pay for it by trudging through a lot of unnecessarily dense material.
January 23, 2024
I have an excellent therapist, but I wanted to add some supplemental reading between sessions in my never-ending endeavor for betterment and healing.
I stumbled upon What Doesn’t Kill Us Makes Us during said endeavor and the title alone made me feel like I’d found a kindred soul; I’m tired of toxic positivity / empty platitudes and this book is, too.
The entire thesis of this book is a methodical and extremely warranted takedown of the unbelievably annoying aphorism: “what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger”.
A hard and at times triggering read, but if you’ve got a traumatic life event that irreversibly bifurcates your life between “before” and “after”, this book is for you. Not necessarily a prescriptive book, but certainly a thoughtful and compassionate (and comprehensive) view on what trauma does to a person’s sense of self, and how to make some semblance out of the messy ruins.
I stumbled upon What Doesn’t Kill Us Makes Us during said endeavor and the title alone made me feel like I’d found a kindred soul; I’m tired of toxic positivity / empty platitudes and this book is, too.
The entire thesis of this book is a methodical and extremely warranted takedown of the unbelievably annoying aphorism: “what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger”.
A hard and at times triggering read, but if you’ve got a traumatic life event that irreversibly bifurcates your life between “before” and “after”, this book is for you. Not necessarily a prescriptive book, but certainly a thoughtful and compassionate (and comprehensive) view on what trauma does to a person’s sense of self, and how to make some semblance out of the messy ruins.
February 15, 2024
This was an interesting read as the author weaves his own "afterlife" with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome with the journeys of six people experiencing dealing with traumatic brain injuries, prison, the effects of rape as well as loss of limbs and they now find the balance between trying to build the life they had before and accepting the one they have now. Somehow the edition that I have has frequent type setting issues at the beginning of most sections (just the first line--not sure how this made it by people before printing?). The only other criticism is that the author has an incredible vocabulary (as in I’m looking up words) and it made me wonder if this is truly how he speaks/writes or if there is a constant thesauras search bar window open. I gained some great philosophical and intellectual insights and marked several passages--a good read for those interested in trauma, healing, suffering, and finding meaning through the crazy ride of life.
August 21, 2023
Disclaimer - I won this book as part of a Goodreads giveaway, and this is my honest review.
I signed up for the giveaway since I thought that the premise of the book sounded interesting to me. I tried to read a few chapters and it did not really capture my attention. At the end of the day, this book was not really for me personally, but for those studying philosophy and psychology I feel like this book might resonate with you more that it did for me.
Also as a side note, I do not know for sure if it was done on purpose, but my copy of this book had typos, possibly. For example, a few of the words had weird spacings to them, like "bracin g" instead of "bracing." Which made it hard for me to follow, and understand what was trying to be said at times. Maybe I received an unedited proof?
I signed up for the giveaway since I thought that the premise of the book sounded interesting to me. I tried to read a few chapters and it did not really capture my attention. At the end of the day, this book was not really for me personally, but for those studying philosophy and psychology I feel like this book might resonate with you more that it did for me.
Also as a side note, I do not know for sure if it was done on purpose, but my copy of this book had typos, possibly. For example, a few of the words had weird spacings to them, like "bracin g" instead of "bracing." Which made it hard for me to follow, and understand what was trying to be said at times. Maybe I received an unedited proof?
December 19, 2023
It took my a while, but I eventually warmed up to this book, though it did take a bit to get in to. I did enjoy the way he incorporated very diverse stories as well as his own, and felt those parts flowed very well. I did find the first half of the book read almost like an essay, and later chapters that solely included greek myths/religious beliefs/philosophers' perspectives or tales as evidence to support the personal narratives could be dry and hard to follow, but that may have just been me and my own taste. I did find some language/wording to be needlessly complicated - I had to look up several words (e.g. quixotic), though again this may be my own preferences. I really enjoyed the way he ended the book and tied everything to support his argument as it left a clear and impactful message.
November 9, 2022
This is one of those "one idea" books. The author's thesis is that Nietzsche was incorrect. What doesn't kill us, doesn't necessarily make us stronger. Instead, it makes us.
Like, duh... It's stating the obvious that everything we go through in life shapes who we are!
To illustrate this, the author does a deep dive into the lives of 6 people who have experienced trauma/tragic life circumstances in incredible detail. If you are the type of person who likes to learn from biographies, then this is for you.
It would have been an easier read if the author used simple English to convey the stories and ideas.
Strangely though, despite trying to counter Nietzsche, in all the stories shared, what didn't kill them, did make them stronger!
Like, duh... It's stating the obvious that everything we go through in life shapes who we are!
To illustrate this, the author does a deep dive into the lives of 6 people who have experienced trauma/tragic life circumstances in incredible detail. If you are the type of person who likes to learn from biographies, then this is for you.
It would have been an easier read if the author used simple English to convey the stories and ideas.
Strangely though, despite trying to counter Nietzsche, in all the stories shared, what didn't kill them, did make them stronger!
August 3, 2024
This book is very well-written and engrossing, but I ultimately disagreed with his choice to feature only people who dramatically overcame their tragedies and achieved levels of atypical success (i.e., *were* "made stronger", despite the book supposedly being a counterargument to Nietzsche's aphorism). It would have felt more honest about the aftermath of tragedy if there had been stories of people who continue to struggle. Also, there is one person with addiction whose recovery is not given any page space at all, when that is presumably a massively important part of his post-tragedy life. So I was a little disappointed, but Mariani writes beautifully, intelligently, and compassionately. I look forward to future books.
December 27, 2024
As Fredrich Nietzsche claims in Twilight of the Idols do near-death experiences really make us stronger? Or do they fundamentally change how we view and react with the world. Don’t come to this book assuming that what most of us view as life-changing experiences are what the author is describing. Based on a traumatic experience in his life, Mariani delves into the lives of those who became severely disabled or incarcerated to test Nietzsche’s hypothesis. Don’t look for easy answers in this account.
September 28, 2022
This book was interesting, and informative. I appreciate the way the author built up his point, with so many characters and stories of trauma, as well as the changes it inflicts, in a clear, cohesive, compassionate and inspiring manner. I was sad for the circumstances and suffering yet enjoyed this book. Thank you NetGalley, the author and publisher for the e-reader for review. All opinions are my own.
May 28, 2023
For a book that attempts to debunk Nietzche’s famous “what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger” ethos, I was surprised that the author chose narratives that actually fully support it. Imprisoned convicts find job security and familial comfort on the other side. A blinded woman finds peace in her academic pursuits, etc. None of these anecdotes mirror the degree of life-stopping tragedy that Mariani’s own affliction (M.E., a complex neuroimmune disease that very few ever recover from) represents. It begs the question: why not explore his own life story, and the stories of others afflicted with such a devastating illness, from which there often is no escaping to greener pastures? He includes snippets of his diagnosis story, but fully fails to connect it to his main subjects beyond superficial comparisons. So essentially he spends 350 pages on easily digested, ultimately inspirational stories instead of delivering the complex exploration of human suffering he initially promises. It’s a vague thesis that goes in circles, and his wordy writing style only compounds the problem. Occasionally it’s insightful, but mostly it’s a frustrating read.
November 15, 2022
Some touching stories in there but tends to ramble and is a bit depressing, highlighting the downsides of suffering, which to me are quite obvious. I would rather read a book about what to gain from trauma. We already don't choose trauma, why would we choose to read a book that makes us feel worse?
October 10, 2022
3.5 A lot of truths from a man who was searching for a why. Hard to read at times and very personal endeavor. However, very lengthy, almost too much, in the examination of Nietzsche's quote of "what doesn't kill us makes us stronger"
January 10, 2023
More philosophy than psychology, which is my own fault for not double checking what this was about. The overall book felt disjointed at times, but I can see the appeal of this for people trying to conceptualize or process experiences.
January 3, 2024
Beautifully written
What Doesn't Kill Us Makes Us is a deep and beautiful exploration of what it means to be human. The author uncovers how we face, accept, and overcome challenges, and more importantly, begin to live on. I highly recommend it!
What Doesn't Kill Us Makes Us is a deep and beautiful exploration of what it means to be human. The author uncovers how we face, accept, and overcome challenges, and more importantly, begin to live on. I highly recommend it!
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