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All the White Friends I Couldn't Keep: Hope—And Hard Pills to Swallow—About Fighting for Black Lives
A leading voice for social justice reveals how he stopped arguing with white people who deny the ongoing legacy of racism--and offers a proven path forward for Black people and people of color based on the history of nonviolent struggle.
When the rallying cry Black Lives Matter was heard across the world in 2013, Andre Henry was one of the millions for whom the movement caused a political awakening--and a rupture in some of his closest relationships with white people. As he began using his artistic gifts to share his experiences and perspective, Henry was grieved to discover that many white Americans--people he called friends and family--were more interested in debating whether racism existed, or whether Henry was being polite enough in the way he used his voice.
In this personal and thought-provoking book, Henry explores how the historic divides between Black people and non-Black people are expressed through our most mundane interactions, and why this struggle won't be resolved through civil discourse, diversity hires, interracial relationships, or education. What we need is a revolution, one that moves beyond symbolic progress to disrupt systems of racial violence and inequality in tangible, creative ways.
Sharing stories from his own path to activism--from studying at seminary to becoming a student of nonviolent social change; from working as a praise leader to singing about social justice--and connecting those experiences to lessons from successful nonviolent struggles in America and around the world, he calls Black people and people of color to divest from whiteness and its false promises, trust what their lived experiences tell them, and practice hope as a discipline as they work for lasting change.
When the rallying cry Black Lives Matter was heard across the world in 2013, Andre Henry was one of the millions for whom the movement caused a political awakening--and a rupture in some of his closest relationships with white people. As he began using his artistic gifts to share his experiences and perspective, Henry was grieved to discover that many white Americans--people he called friends and family--were more interested in debating whether racism existed, or whether Henry was being polite enough in the way he used his voice.
In this personal and thought-provoking book, Henry explores how the historic divides between Black people and non-Black people are expressed through our most mundane interactions, and why this struggle won't be resolved through civil discourse, diversity hires, interracial relationships, or education. What we need is a revolution, one that moves beyond symbolic progress to disrupt systems of racial violence and inequality in tangible, creative ways.
Sharing stories from his own path to activism--from studying at seminary to becoming a student of nonviolent social change; from working as a praise leader to singing about social justice--and connecting those experiences to lessons from successful nonviolent struggles in America and around the world, he calls Black people and people of color to divest from whiteness and its false promises, trust what their lived experiences tell them, and practice hope as a discipline as they work for lasting change.
288 pages, Hardcover
Published March 22, 2022
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April 26, 2022
Ok, so based on these Goodreads reviews, this is going to be an unpopular opinion.
**P.S. Please don’t correct my grammar in this review, I know how to write, I’m just speaking from my lived AAVE experiences. And don't come for me in the comments. This is my opinion. If you don't like it, go write your own.
This book is lame. Maybe that’s pretty harsh, but lemme ‘xplain…
The Introduction is ‘A Warning From the Author’ to explain that what he’s about to say in this book is not going to be an easy read. My question is, ‘’for who?” White people? or Black people? Cause for any Black person who reads this book, this is our everyday lives. This book was not hard to read, and dare I say, Andre Henry must’ve been living under a rock or have been too enmeshed with white culture to notice until Black folks started to get shot on live video feeds around the country.
He states that he had a political awakening during the last decade during the conception of Black Lives Matter era, but I am not buying it. He may have been enraged and that emotion made him have a call to action, but if that’s the case we’d all have books published. Where was he during the time previous to the rampant viral videos showing our Black lives being murdered on video?
Guess where he was?? Schlepping it up with the white folks. Then when he started to speak out about the grief that panged him, and made him realize he could be at danger anytime and these white folks ain’t going to help him, that’s when he was like… “oh, so now I gotta step away from the white folx, cause they all the same.”
How can a Jamaican man, raised in Stone Mountain Confederate Georgia, ever think that his Black ass mattered to white people? I’m confused.
He spoke of being adopted by white families. He spoke of being encapsulated by the white evangelical parishioners. He spoke of his initial preference (let’s call it that) of his non-Black love interests and friends, and his Theology degree from a PWI. He was looking to be white adjacent all his life! Then when the viral videos started hitting FB, CNN, IG, and everywhere else, seeing how innocent Black lives were being snuffed out with little to no repercussions, now he is having a panic attack from all the white people who never supported him and realized his Black life never mattered to them.
The part of the book where I was like, “oh hell nah” was the part where he talks about dating Black women as happenstance. Like for real??? He never intentionally dated Black women? Even though his family is Black, his mother is Black, his grandmother is Black, his father is Black… he looked for other ethnicities to provide the love he was looking for, first?? Is that what I am understanding here? 10/10 he recommends to date Black women… umm, yea! Black love is the epitome of resistance of how we were treated during slavery. White folks never thought we were human. They separated us at birth, or for revenge, or for business pleasure on a whim. Never considering the emotional damage and generational losses we took as a people.
I was exasperated when he talked about his college experience lugging around a boulder just to call out what’s so obvious in our lived experiences. This book isn’t written for Black people at all, but a direct response to the hate he received from whites who expressed or didn’t express their sentiments when he started speaking up about his fears and dangers as a Black man in America. These problems have forever been happening. Pick up any James Baldwin book, and he would have clearly seen everything he needed to see. This book is clearly for the white friends he specifically lost. This is not a book for Black people.
Furthermore, Jesus is not white. Let’s clear the air there. So his, “let’s break up with white Jesus” chapter ummm… I don’t think any Black person I know living today thinks Jesus is white. Christianity was forced onto enslaved people to keep us subdued and in chains, and that religion has been used to execute violence around the world. Jesus is for everyone, but he ain’t white. Most Black people I know who are religious don’t believe in the evangelical/Anglican christianity anyways.
Black people don’t debate or try to educate white folks about anything, especially about race. We are too busy trying to mind our own business and not get in trouble at work because of micro/macro-aggressions that happen everyday to us. We know about the worst of white folks. We’ve had to overcome the worst of white folks in all manners of our existence. What do you think the Great Migration was all about? Getting away from white folks for better opportunities for our families in more livable/workable/hospitable places where the racism wasn’t AS BAD. Not non-existent, but just not AS BAD.
Read: I’m Still Here by Austin Channing Brown
My initial thoughts while halfway through this book, I was like, wait a minute, is he biracial? No. Ok, so why is he late to the “white folks don’t really care about Black lives or feelings” memo we all got at birth? After finishing this book last night, I just had to sit back, flabbergasted. Henry really wanted to be liked, loved, appreciated, cared for by white people. Like, seriously. Now that Black lives are being murdered in real time for all of us to see at a moments notice, the fear set in that it could happen to him at any time. Now he takes that understanding and fear to his white friends and they do not validate his feelings. He’s hurt. Shocked. Appalled. He’s ‘clutching his pearls’ in disbelief. Plus he’s from Jamaica where his culture and heritage stems from Maroons! Rebels against enslavement. How and why is he so shocked at the ways of white folk? Has he read, Langston Hughes, The Ways of White Folk?? Any of W.E.B. DuBois? Did any Black friend read this book? Did he have a Black editor?? I mean damn, where has he been in this country where he thought his Black self was safe from the vitriol spewed by the worst of white folks? And coming from STONE MOUNTAIN GEORGIA??? Say it ain’t so. He said he read some James Baldwin, but clearly he didn’t read enough. James Baldwin is famously quoted for saying: “To be Black and conscious in America is to live in a constant state of rage.” So it’s quite obvious that he has not been conscious of what’s been going on in America until viral videos hit the scene, and Black people have been shown to be murdered in cold blood over literally nothing.
As a friend told me in discussion with this book, this book is serving a whole lot of Hotep behavior.
I hate blasting on Black authors like this, but damn… this ain’t it.
2 stars, cause I finished it.
**P.S. Please don’t correct my grammar in this review, I know how to write, I’m just speaking from my lived AAVE experiences. And don't come for me in the comments. This is my opinion. If you don't like it, go write your own.
This book is lame. Maybe that’s pretty harsh, but lemme ‘xplain…
The Introduction is ‘A Warning From the Author’ to explain that what he’s about to say in this book is not going to be an easy read. My question is, ‘’for who?” White people? or Black people? Cause for any Black person who reads this book, this is our everyday lives. This book was not hard to read, and dare I say, Andre Henry must’ve been living under a rock or have been too enmeshed with white culture to notice until Black folks started to get shot on live video feeds around the country.
He states that he had a political awakening during the last decade during the conception of Black Lives Matter era, but I am not buying it. He may have been enraged and that emotion made him have a call to action, but if that’s the case we’d all have books published. Where was he during the time previous to the rampant viral videos showing our Black lives being murdered on video?
Guess where he was?? Schlepping it up with the white folks. Then when he started to speak out about the grief that panged him, and made him realize he could be at danger anytime and these white folks ain’t going to help him, that’s when he was like… “oh, so now I gotta step away from the white folx, cause they all the same.”
How can a Jamaican man, raised in Stone Mountain Confederate Georgia, ever think that his Black ass mattered to white people? I’m confused.
He spoke of being adopted by white families. He spoke of being encapsulated by the white evangelical parishioners. He spoke of his initial preference (let’s call it that) of his non-Black love interests and friends, and his Theology degree from a PWI. He was looking to be white adjacent all his life! Then when the viral videos started hitting FB, CNN, IG, and everywhere else, seeing how innocent Black lives were being snuffed out with little to no repercussions, now he is having a panic attack from all the white people who never supported him and realized his Black life never mattered to them.
The part of the book where I was like, “oh hell nah” was the part where he talks about dating Black women as happenstance. Like for real??? He never intentionally dated Black women? Even though his family is Black, his mother is Black, his grandmother is Black, his father is Black… he looked for other ethnicities to provide the love he was looking for, first?? Is that what I am understanding here? 10/10 he recommends to date Black women… umm, yea! Black love is the epitome of resistance of how we were treated during slavery. White folks never thought we were human. They separated us at birth, or for revenge, or for business pleasure on a whim. Never considering the emotional damage and generational losses we took as a people.
I was exasperated when he talked about his college experience lugging around a boulder just to call out what’s so obvious in our lived experiences. This book isn’t written for Black people at all, but a direct response to the hate he received from whites who expressed or didn’t express their sentiments when he started speaking up about his fears and dangers as a Black man in America. These problems have forever been happening. Pick up any James Baldwin book, and he would have clearly seen everything he needed to see. This book is clearly for the white friends he specifically lost. This is not a book for Black people.
Furthermore, Jesus is not white. Let’s clear the air there. So his, “let’s break up with white Jesus” chapter ummm… I don’t think any Black person I know living today thinks Jesus is white. Christianity was forced onto enslaved people to keep us subdued and in chains, and that religion has been used to execute violence around the world. Jesus is for everyone, but he ain’t white. Most Black people I know who are religious don’t believe in the evangelical/Anglican christianity anyways.
Black people don’t debate or try to educate white folks about anything, especially about race. We are too busy trying to mind our own business and not get in trouble at work because of micro/macro-aggressions that happen everyday to us. We know about the worst of white folks. We’ve had to overcome the worst of white folks in all manners of our existence. What do you think the Great Migration was all about? Getting away from white folks for better opportunities for our families in more livable/workable/hospitable places where the racism wasn’t AS BAD. Not non-existent, but just not AS BAD.
Read: I’m Still Here by Austin Channing Brown
My initial thoughts while halfway through this book, I was like, wait a minute, is he biracial? No. Ok, so why is he late to the “white folks don’t really care about Black lives or feelings” memo we all got at birth? After finishing this book last night, I just had to sit back, flabbergasted. Henry really wanted to be liked, loved, appreciated, cared for by white people. Like, seriously. Now that Black lives are being murdered in real time for all of us to see at a moments notice, the fear set in that it could happen to him at any time. Now he takes that understanding and fear to his white friends and they do not validate his feelings. He’s hurt. Shocked. Appalled. He’s ‘clutching his pearls’ in disbelief. Plus he’s from Jamaica where his culture and heritage stems from Maroons! Rebels against enslavement. How and why is he so shocked at the ways of white folk? Has he read, Langston Hughes, The Ways of White Folk?? Any of W.E.B. DuBois? Did any Black friend read this book? Did he have a Black editor?? I mean damn, where has he been in this country where he thought his Black self was safe from the vitriol spewed by the worst of white folks? And coming from STONE MOUNTAIN GEORGIA??? Say it ain’t so. He said he read some James Baldwin, but clearly he didn’t read enough. James Baldwin is famously quoted for saying: “To be Black and conscious in America is to live in a constant state of rage.” So it’s quite obvious that he has not been conscious of what’s been going on in America until viral videos hit the scene, and Black people have been shown to be murdered in cold blood over literally nothing.
As a friend told me in discussion with this book, this book is serving a whole lot of Hotep behavior.
I hate blasting on Black authors like this, but damn… this ain’t it.
2 stars, cause I finished it.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
December 21, 2021
A BIG thank you to Convergent Books and NetGalley for allowing me to read an advanced copy in exchange for an honest review! PLEASE NOTE: this book is concerning race issues within America and the author specifically notes he wrote this for his fellow Black brothers and sisters, although he is open to others reading it and hopefully gaining insight. I am a white woman and obviously not the target audience so please consider this while reading my review (or passing over it, that's okay too).
Andre Henry is a wonderful writer, which I expected because he is also a wonderful speaker. I have personally had a few run ins with him during the BLM protests in Pasadena during the pandemic and I must say this guy is a joy to listen to. His book reads like he speaks, in that, you feel like you're just talking to a friend and listening to his life stories while also learning some hard lessons. Once you pick this book up it is hard to put down, you become captivated by the stories and words written, and each story has a lesson we could all learn from.
For me, as a white woman, this book is very helpful because I would like to think I am an ally to all those that are oppressed in this current society. As I read through the issues Andre has had through his life because of the color of his skin, and specifically all the issues he has had with white people who THINK they're helping, this book has helped me reflect on what I am doing everyday to help, and what I am potentially doing that i THINK is helping, but actually hinders.
In some of the friends he couldn't keep I have seen past versions of myself...versions I have left behind but never realized just how detrimental those versions could be. This book is a perfect example of showing others how someone else lives their life daily, how serious issues that some of us might never experience can totally fuck up someone else's life on the regular. He is raw and honest with his emotions and hard on the points he makes...and with good reason!
I would recommend this book to EVERYONE. It is always good for us as humans to see the perspective from someone else's view, and this is a great text to read for inner reflection. We all have a part to play if we want true equality amongst each other (for this specific book equality amongst races) and I cannot suggest this enough!
Andre Henry is a wonderful writer, which I expected because he is also a wonderful speaker. I have personally had a few run ins with him during the BLM protests in Pasadena during the pandemic and I must say this guy is a joy to listen to. His book reads like he speaks, in that, you feel like you're just talking to a friend and listening to his life stories while also learning some hard lessons. Once you pick this book up it is hard to put down, you become captivated by the stories and words written, and each story has a lesson we could all learn from.
For me, as a white woman, this book is very helpful because I would like to think I am an ally to all those that are oppressed in this current society. As I read through the issues Andre has had through his life because of the color of his skin, and specifically all the issues he has had with white people who THINK they're helping, this book has helped me reflect on what I am doing everyday to help, and what I am potentially doing that i THINK is helping, but actually hinders.
In some of the friends he couldn't keep I have seen past versions of myself...versions I have left behind but never realized just how detrimental those versions could be. This book is a perfect example of showing others how someone else lives their life daily, how serious issues that some of us might never experience can totally fuck up someone else's life on the regular. He is raw and honest with his emotions and hard on the points he makes...and with good reason!
I would recommend this book to EVERYONE. It is always good for us as humans to see the perspective from someone else's view, and this is a great text to read for inner reflection. We all have a part to play if we want true equality amongst each other (for this specific book equality amongst races) and I cannot suggest this enough!
March 23, 2022
This is in my top 5 books I've read in 2022 so far. Just purchased the audiobook on Libro.fm, and hearing him read it adds to the overall experience. A fellow reviewer pointed out that I had a typo in my original review, so taking the opportunity to add an update.
Original review:
Andre Henry is a vital voice I only discovered on Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.’s birthday (1/15). He tweeted a photo of Dr. King relaxing in a Jamaican pool with the caption, “I keep this picture of Dr. King chilling in Jamaica as my Macbook's desktop wallpaper, and remind myself that freedom fighters need ease. I show this to collaborators when we're songwriting and tell them "I want my music to sound like this picture."
What a simple yet powerful message. When I clicked on his profile to learn more about his music, I was pleased to find he had a book coming out – about hope and fighting for Black lives.
All the White Friends I Couldn’t Keep is aptly named. It is not about racial reconciliation. He says, “Too often, we get bogged down in trying to convince active oppressors to racial progress to agree with us. But we can change the world in spite of their opposition by focusing on people who are in the moveable middle.”
It is instead about antiracism and non-violence, expanding on Dr. King’s globalist and anti-poverty missions. It is also about grief and trauma endured from racialized inferiority and the dehumanization of Black lives. It is about our shared humanity.
It is also about hope and practical ways we can feed our hope. Henry writes, “True hope remains humble about the future, even as it continues believing in human agency. I’m hopeful because I believe history is a story we’re writing together, not something happening to us – which means we all get a say in how the story ends. But that also means we’re going to have to struggle for the story we want.”
I’m convinced that nonfiction written by poets and songwriters are my favorite kinds of books (e.g., Hanif Abdurraqib, Clint Smith, and now, Andre Henry). Am also convinced that this book is not getting enough attention. If you are reading this review, please add this to your TBR and (pre)order! This is one to read and re-read to stay focused on freedom and joy.
To Convergent Books (an imprint of Random House), NetGalley, and Andre Henry - thank you for the privilege of reading this book in advance of it's release in exchange for an honest review.
Original review:
Andre Henry is a vital voice I only discovered on Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.’s birthday (1/15). He tweeted a photo of Dr. King relaxing in a Jamaican pool with the caption, “I keep this picture of Dr. King chilling in Jamaica as my Macbook's desktop wallpaper, and remind myself that freedom fighters need ease. I show this to collaborators when we're songwriting and tell them "I want my music to sound like this picture."
What a simple yet powerful message. When I clicked on his profile to learn more about his music, I was pleased to find he had a book coming out – about hope and fighting for Black lives.
All the White Friends I Couldn’t Keep is aptly named. It is not about racial reconciliation. He says, “Too often, we get bogged down in trying to convince active oppressors to racial progress to agree with us. But we can change the world in spite of their opposition by focusing on people who are in the moveable middle.”
It is instead about antiracism and non-violence, expanding on Dr. King’s globalist and anti-poverty missions. It is also about grief and trauma endured from racialized inferiority and the dehumanization of Black lives. It is about our shared humanity.
It is also about hope and practical ways we can feed our hope. Henry writes, “True hope remains humble about the future, even as it continues believing in human agency. I’m hopeful because I believe history is a story we’re writing together, not something happening to us – which means we all get a say in how the story ends. But that also means we’re going to have to struggle for the story we want.”
I’m convinced that nonfiction written by poets and songwriters are my favorite kinds of books (e.g., Hanif Abdurraqib, Clint Smith, and now, Andre Henry). Am also convinced that this book is not getting enough attention. If you are reading this review, please add this to your TBR and (pre)order! This is one to read and re-read to stay focused on freedom and joy.
To Convergent Books (an imprint of Random House), NetGalley, and Andre Henry - thank you for the privilege of reading this book in advance of it's release in exchange for an honest review.
February 2, 2023
The subtitle mentions "hard pills to swallow." That was true for me; The book is very provocative and asked much of me. I found Andre Henry to be a decent guy with an impeccable moral compass and honest to the core. His honesty was like a laser bringing forth my honesty. It deserves a second reading.
March 13, 2022
This is one of the best books I've ever read. I found myself highlighting and writing in the margins of so many pages. I read a lot but it's been a long, long time since I've finished a book in one day...My gawd Andre, you did what your ancestors have called you to do. This book is Black Excellence. Thank you for sharing your experience, our collective experience with the world.
June 10, 2022
A book mostly in keeping with my own politics. Recognising the futility in conversations with people who don't agree with your politics or those that do acknowledge societal problems but have different ideas as to how to address them. I enjoyed it a lot.
February 18, 2025
Most of you reading this know me, and know the journey of anti-racism education I have been on for years (and probably the rest of my life, to be honest - it doesn't seem like one of those things that one graduates from). You also probably know that I am a white woman, and that I grew up in Jacksonville, Florida. That's about 5 hours from where Andre Henry grew up. We had black and white friends in our neighborhood, at our schools, and in general, didn't think all that much about racism. We knew (or thought we knew) what it was, and my very liberal and love everyone mom taught me to be kind to everyone. My dad (an Iowa boy - I would bet he had never even seen a Black person before he joined the Navy) was of a different mindset, and he made it very clear that there were certain boys I was "not allowed" to bring home, etc, and we would consistently butt heads over his passed-down prejudices that I thought were dumb. But back then, I would not have considered myself racist. That of course is very different than being anti-racist, though.
And so I was VERY surprised when I first started listening to this to realize that his journey to anti-racism has been kinda similar to my own. They have differed and diverged along the way, and listening to this has caused me to realize that I still rely pretty heavily on my white privilege, so the work continues to unpack that.
This is going to be a short review (I'm typing it up in a few minutes of downtime between work meetings), but I will say that his path was a really fascinating one for me to read. Partially, I think that this is because I believe in generational trauma, and that kind of ingrains itself into a psyche. It's almost like instinctual knowledge of how racist this country is to the Black people who most live within that system. At least that's how I kind of think of it. Like this "true history" knowledge is passed down in the womb.
But Henry's story wasn't that at all. He was oblivious and innocent of that knowledge for a long time... and the title from this book comes from the way that he realized his white friends were only his friends as long as he played the small, subservient, docile role they cast him in.
His journey of awakening was due to the deaths broadcast for the world to see in police killings of Black people all over the country, again and again - and that led him to tentative speaking out and activism. And the more pushback he got from the people who he thought were his closest friends, effectively family, proved that his journey was right and he'd have to leave them behind.
I commend him for cutting those people out of his life. I have done it. It is hard. But it gets easier. When being in their world means cutting off parts of your own - it's not worth it. Very proud of him for that.
Overall, I really appreciated his perspective and voice, and really enjoyed the book.
And so I was VERY surprised when I first started listening to this to realize that his journey to anti-racism has been kinda similar to my own. They have differed and diverged along the way, and listening to this has caused me to realize that I still rely pretty heavily on my white privilege, so the work continues to unpack that.
This is going to be a short review (I'm typing it up in a few minutes of downtime between work meetings), but I will say that his path was a really fascinating one for me to read. Partially, I think that this is because I believe in generational trauma, and that kind of ingrains itself into a psyche. It's almost like instinctual knowledge of how racist this country is to the Black people who most live within that system. At least that's how I kind of think of it. Like this "true history" knowledge is passed down in the womb.
But Henry's story wasn't that at all. He was oblivious and innocent of that knowledge for a long time... and the title from this book comes from the way that he realized his white friends were only his friends as long as he played the small, subservient, docile role they cast him in.
His journey of awakening was due to the deaths broadcast for the world to see in police killings of Black people all over the country, again and again - and that led him to tentative speaking out and activism. And the more pushback he got from the people who he thought were his closest friends, effectively family, proved that his journey was right and he'd have to leave them behind.
I commend him for cutting those people out of his life. I have done it. It is hard. But it gets easier. When being in their world means cutting off parts of your own - it's not worth it. Very proud of him for that.
Overall, I really appreciated his perspective and voice, and really enjoyed the book.
April 8, 2022
Throughly enjoyed this book. Will read again. I experienced and continue to have similar experiences with people following me becoming more out spoken. ✊🏾
September 19, 2022
I highly enjoyed this!
It is chalked full of personal experiences and how we can be part of the solution and stop being a hindrance.
I particularly enjoyed the chapter near the end on laughtivism and dilemma actions.
Much love to NetGalley & Convergent Books for my ARC!
It is chalked full of personal experiences and how we can be part of the solution and stop being a hindrance.
I particularly enjoyed the chapter near the end on laughtivism and dilemma actions.
Much love to NetGalley & Convergent Books for my ARC!
July 24, 2022
I felt so much listening to this book.
It’s not a book I would have easily come across on my own, but when a member of our Virtual Silent Book Club read it and talked about it, I knew I had to read it.
It made me think…a lot. Even though my skin is white, to many people in America I am only conditionally so. And we live in a time that is fraught with terror no matter what marginalized group we are part of.
I suspect this is one of the most important books I will read this year - because of what Mr. Henry’s experience has been, his fearless unpacking of it, and the impetus it gives me to both become a better ally and to unpack my own experiences.
While this book was not written with me (or other white folks) in mind, I think it’s an important book for everyone to read, and — believe me — I will be recommending it to all my friends.
It’s not a book I would have easily come across on my own, but when a member of our Virtual Silent Book Club read it and talked about it, I knew I had to read it.
It made me think…a lot. Even though my skin is white, to many people in America I am only conditionally so. And we live in a time that is fraught with terror no matter what marginalized group we are part of.
I suspect this is one of the most important books I will read this year - because of what Mr. Henry’s experience has been, his fearless unpacking of it, and the impetus it gives me to both become a better ally and to unpack my own experiences.
While this book was not written with me (or other white folks) in mind, I think it’s an important book for everyone to read, and — believe me — I will be recommending it to all my friends.
July 17, 2022
I listened to this book, which was lovely, especially towards the end when he speaks about Patois and English.
I went back and forth on liking this book and struggling. I would encourage folks to read a lot of reviews to see the range of responses, which tend to be favorable from white folks and non-Black People of Color, and mixed from Black folks.
Henry’s writing is lovely, lyrical, funny, and deeply informed. As a white peson, even a pretty well-read white person on Black liberation studies, I learned a lot. And I deeply appreciate his framing of non-violent action and personal vulnerability, as he had a lot to learn and grow through in this book.
I went back and forth on liking this book and struggling. I would encourage folks to read a lot of reviews to see the range of responses, which tend to be favorable from white folks and non-Black People of Color, and mixed from Black folks.
Henry’s writing is lovely, lyrical, funny, and deeply informed. As a white peson, even a pretty well-read white person on Black liberation studies, I learned a lot. And I deeply appreciate his framing of non-violent action and personal vulnerability, as he had a lot to learn and grow through in this book.
April 10, 2022
This! Book! It was everything that I’ve been needing! So many books on race aim to educate white folks. While this one was written for Black folks first, there’s so much that rang true to my own experiences as an unwilling immigrant of color raised in white spaces, and the odds I’ve found myself at with white folks and white societal conditioning. I LOVE how he guides us through his journey of recognizing how appealing to whites never has and never will solve racism. The permission he gives to burn decoy bridges and step into your full imagination to find the power of who you could be felt so liberating! What an absolute gift this book was. To all my friends who find yourself similarly at odds with the whiteness around and inflicted upon you, do yourself a favor and pick this book up!
July 23, 2025
1. I need to read this book again in order to process it better. Too much to absorb in one reading.
2. The book’s title is revealing as to its’ content. I too have not been able to “keep” many “friends”. These include family members, fellow Church members and friends. So I can relate to the author even though he as an African American is describing the many white friends with whom he has fallen out of favor with. But it is the same premise: there are many whose fellowship causes great toxicity in my being. Too much gaslighting necessary to maintain. Too much cognitive dissonance needed to be practiced.
3. This reading has given me several terms that I’m sure will become part of my lexicon. The author uses the term “my apocalypse”, referring to moments when he has an epiphany that a certain friendship just doesn’t serve him any more. Too much baggage is being carried by this friend and the friend is unable or unwilling to take the time and perform the psychoanalysis necessary to reduce the baggage he/she brings to the friendship. Since the Obama presidency and my increased “wokeness” and awareness of my “white privilege”, I have dropped many acquaintances. Just too toxic. So I could say “my apocalypse” in this regards started with how many I know responded to the Obama Presidency.
4. The book is a book of advice, especially to fellow African Americans who want to organize and make a difference in the lives of African Americans and minorities today. “Seek to be around those who share your unity of purpose. Don’t waste your time trying to “convert” those who don’t share your values.
5. I sadly have also learned the wisdom of this sentence.
2. The book’s title is revealing as to its’ content. I too have not been able to “keep” many “friends”. These include family members, fellow Church members and friends. So I can relate to the author even though he as an African American is describing the many white friends with whom he has fallen out of favor with. But it is the same premise: there are many whose fellowship causes great toxicity in my being. Too much gaslighting necessary to maintain. Too much cognitive dissonance needed to be practiced.
3. This reading has given me several terms that I’m sure will become part of my lexicon. The author uses the term “my apocalypse”, referring to moments when he has an epiphany that a certain friendship just doesn’t serve him any more. Too much baggage is being carried by this friend and the friend is unable or unwilling to take the time and perform the psychoanalysis necessary to reduce the baggage he/she brings to the friendship. Since the Obama presidency and my increased “wokeness” and awareness of my “white privilege”, I have dropped many acquaintances. Just too toxic. So I could say “my apocalypse” in this regards started with how many I know responded to the Obama Presidency.
4. The book is a book of advice, especially to fellow African Americans who want to organize and make a difference in the lives of African Americans and minorities today. “Seek to be around those who share your unity of purpose. Don’t waste your time trying to “convert” those who don’t share your values.
5. I sadly have also learned the wisdom of this sentence.
September 7, 2022
There are some really great insights in this book. Like at the beginning the author says "the holy grail of oppression is turning victims into spokespeople." That's the best review I've ever heard of William Styron's The Confessions of Nat Turner. Who else but a racist Southern white man could turn Nat Turner into a cheerleader for the lost gentility of the Virginia Tidewater? And who else would want to?
That insight also sums up the entire life and career of conservative pundit Jonah Goldberg, (late of the National Review) who is ethnically Jewish but pours all his prodigious energies and intellect into writing slavish apologies for the slave-trading, Jew-murdering Catholic church. And as if all that weren't enough, there are some great insights into why aging white liberals love (and distort) the non-violent legacy of Martin Luther King.
But so much of this book is the author's everyday beefs with people he never even describes. "I can't believe what Brad said about me on Facebook! And why won't Laquesha return my calls?"
Sometimes the personal is political. And sometimes it's not. But not every crisis in your life is "apocalyptic" for the rest of the world.
That insight also sums up the entire life and career of conservative pundit Jonah Goldberg, (late of the National Review) who is ethnically Jewish but pours all his prodigious energies and intellect into writing slavish apologies for the slave-trading, Jew-murdering Catholic church. And as if all that weren't enough, there are some great insights into why aging white liberals love (and distort) the non-violent legacy of Martin Luther King.
But so much of this book is the author's everyday beefs with people he never even describes. "I can't believe what Brad said about me on Facebook! And why won't Laquesha return my calls?"
Sometimes the personal is political. And sometimes it's not. But not every crisis in your life is "apocalyptic" for the rest of the world.
April 5, 2022
“When the oppressed are fed up with their mistreatment, they become more likely to organize their outrage into sustained resistance against their oppressors.“
“Social progress is often the work of a committed, creative minority.”
“…most of all, we treat hope like a habit rather than a feeling. We develop a hope regimen, because hope is too important to revolution to let it happen by accident.”
This book is engaging, challenging, and insightful. Like many books I read, it’s not explicitly “for” me, so I read it as a grateful guest. Andre says he wrote the book he wished he could have read (as a Black person living in the U.S.) earlier in his life. That being said, he was one of my favorite writers before I read the book, which I can’t say about many people, and it didn’t disappoint.
Andre shares “the story of a political shift in my work and my life as an artist, triggered by the movement for Black lives over the last decade and the lessons I’ve learned through that awakening about the struggle for racial justice.” His message is clear: “ordinary, organized, outraged” people can dismantle systems of oppression and create a better world through nonviolent collective action. Readers get the benefit of Henry’s extensive knowledge about nonviolent activism, as well as his boots-on-the-ground experience and creativity. He has a gift for condensing complex information, making it accessible for anyone interested in non-violence.
I’ve read a lot of books about antiracism, but no one I’ve read references the number and diversity of nonviolent activist experts, organizations, and research studies that Andre does. He shares powerful but easy-to-understand ideology with practical action. He holds space for the rage and grief caused by racism while committing to a “hope regimen.”
I could go on about the book’s merits, but your time would be better spent reading it.
“Social progress is often the work of a committed, creative minority.”
“…most of all, we treat hope like a habit rather than a feeling. We develop a hope regimen, because hope is too important to revolution to let it happen by accident.”
This book is engaging, challenging, and insightful. Like many books I read, it’s not explicitly “for” me, so I read it as a grateful guest. Andre says he wrote the book he wished he could have read (as a Black person living in the U.S.) earlier in his life. That being said, he was one of my favorite writers before I read the book, which I can’t say about many people, and it didn’t disappoint.
Andre shares “the story of a political shift in my work and my life as an artist, triggered by the movement for Black lives over the last decade and the lessons I’ve learned through that awakening about the struggle for racial justice.” His message is clear: “ordinary, organized, outraged” people can dismantle systems of oppression and create a better world through nonviolent collective action. Readers get the benefit of Henry’s extensive knowledge about nonviolent activism, as well as his boots-on-the-ground experience and creativity. He has a gift for condensing complex information, making it accessible for anyone interested in non-violence.
I’ve read a lot of books about antiracism, but no one I’ve read references the number and diversity of nonviolent activist experts, organizations, and research studies that Andre does. He shares powerful but easy-to-understand ideology with practical action. He holds space for the rage and grief caused by racism while committing to a “hope regimen.”
I could go on about the book’s merits, but your time would be better spent reading it.
April 21, 2022
Cannot emphasize enough how raw, beautiful, and important this book is. Read it. Then read it again. And again. Learn from, grow from, and cherish the words Andre so perfectly lays out. I’ll be thinking about this book for a very, very long time.
September 10, 2022
This book starts off with Andre Henry working through the five stages of grief about racism in America. At first, he is a naive waif writing a frustrating book about American apartheid. He didn't know that America actually has a racist past and he is wondering if you also might have to be told that America has not solved racism already. I've already heard about that, dude. He wants to use a few terms so badly and needs to explain them and then weave them in when they don't make sense. He keeps referencing the apocalypse, which I think was 2020?, I tuned out for a bit there. Andre Henry seems like a nerd, and in a wannabe Christian youth pastor way, not a cool, Ta-nehisi Coates writes Black Panther now kind of way. And Andre Henry hangs out with Christian youth pastors and their families until he finds out that they will not accept the way he is beginning to see the world, that they don't believe all the stop and frisks he's been subjected to have anything to do with his color. He rehashes way too many 2012-era Facebook conversations with people who insist that police killings are fine for convoluted reasons before he unfriends them. He starts carrying a boulder around literally because he had a dream.
Then this book gets really good for some reason. It's like Henry started writing this book when he'd barely discovered activism, social justice, social justice literature, or himself, maybe, and then he put writing aside for a few years and came back when he was more equipped to write this book, which is probably what happened. He starts by explaining a Heineken commercial where people of wildly opposing experiences, say a trans woman and someone who has a violent and visceral hatred of trans women, are invited to sit down and discuss their differences. Henry calls bullshit. The trans woman lives every day of her life in danger because of people like the man a beer commercial is sitting her down to talk with. She does not need to justify her existence to anyone, let alone that guy, says Henry. Well put, sir. He explains that there are different kinds of white "allies:" those who think racism is solved, those who show up and take over, those who cry when you challenge them, those who have a thing for black guys, and he explains how to not tolerate any of this nonsense. White Men Explain Things to Me is a nice chapter title. He unpacks religion and hope and the importance of black love. This book is not for me, but it is good to learn. I would recommend the last half of this book to anyone. Start in the middle and go. If you've read basically anything about race since 2010 you can skim the first half if you're being a completist. But the back half is informative and I recommend it highly.
Then this book gets really good for some reason. It's like Henry started writing this book when he'd barely discovered activism, social justice, social justice literature, or himself, maybe, and then he put writing aside for a few years and came back when he was more equipped to write this book, which is probably what happened. He starts by explaining a Heineken commercial where people of wildly opposing experiences, say a trans woman and someone who has a violent and visceral hatred of trans women, are invited to sit down and discuss their differences. Henry calls bullshit. The trans woman lives every day of her life in danger because of people like the man a beer commercial is sitting her down to talk with. She does not need to justify her existence to anyone, let alone that guy, says Henry. Well put, sir. He explains that there are different kinds of white "allies:" those who think racism is solved, those who show up and take over, those who cry when you challenge them, those who have a thing for black guys, and he explains how to not tolerate any of this nonsense. White Men Explain Things to Me is a nice chapter title. He unpacks religion and hope and the importance of black love. This book is not for me, but it is good to learn. I would recommend the last half of this book to anyone. Start in the middle and go. If you've read basically anything about race since 2010 you can skim the first half if you're being a completist. But the back half is informative and I recommend it highly.
March 25, 2022
Andre Henry is a prophet and a poet, an "artivist" through and through. And he shares his heart so vulnerabily in this work.
I can only imagine how exhausting it must have been to revisit some of the personal, painful settings and conversations he describes so vividly (with the white friends he couldn't keep).
He tells of his own evolution, regression, and liberation over the years - through narrative and "apocalyptic" lessons.
The writing will hook you from the first page.
As a child of white evangelicalism, I could relate to so much - I laughed, I rolled my eyes, I groaned. And as a white woman, I learned. I learned about nonviolent struggle (as war), about stone mountain's history, about patois (as rebellion, unlearning, embodiment, freedom), about hope as a conviction and a habit, about "race tests," about joy that sustains, and most of all - about relational boundaries and necessary endings. Oof. So real and cuts deep.
Andre concludes again and again, "it doesn't have to be this way" and casts vision for a better, more spacious tomorrow! Get this book!
I can only imagine how exhausting it must have been to revisit some of the personal, painful settings and conversations he describes so vividly (with the white friends he couldn't keep).
He tells of his own evolution, regression, and liberation over the years - through narrative and "apocalyptic" lessons.
The writing will hook you from the first page.
As a child of white evangelicalism, I could relate to so much - I laughed, I rolled my eyes, I groaned. And as a white woman, I learned. I learned about nonviolent struggle (as war), about stone mountain's history, about patois (as rebellion, unlearning, embodiment, freedom), about hope as a conviction and a habit, about "race tests," about joy that sustains, and most of all - about relational boundaries and necessary endings. Oof. So real and cuts deep.
Andre concludes again and again, "it doesn't have to be this way" and casts vision for a better, more spacious tomorrow! Get this book!
December 24, 2023
Raw. Powerful. Vulnerable. Hopeful. A wonderful read. It’s hard to say much more! Whatever your ethnic background, Henry’s enlightening and engaging read will pull back the curtain on what it can be like as a Black American in white institutional spaces, especially evangelical churches. Must read.
Read
April 4, 2024Such an edifying and refreshing read on race.
In this time where staying hopeful about the situation of antiblackness in our world is so damn difficult, this book not only understood and saw me , it embraced me and gave me the energy i need to keep fighting the good fight (and also to save that energy for worthwhile causes and encouraging me to not give that energy to those that have no care to change).
needed this.
In this time where staying hopeful about the situation of antiblackness in our world is so damn difficult, this book not only understood and saw me , it embraced me and gave me the energy i need to keep fighting the good fight (and also to save that energy for worthwhile causes and encouraging me to not give that energy to those that have no care to change).
needed this.
May 14, 2022
This will be a top book of 2022 for me. I listened to the audio and it was fabulous (he reads it himself). I'll be getting the print copy to make notes and pull my favorite parts. Definitely will be gifting this one a lot. I could honestly write a ton about everything I loved but I feel like this review would never end.
August 17, 2022
Not quite finished but will be soon. A book for black people with primarily white friends. I don't think I'm the primary audience for this (I'm gonna say this poorly but it's for white people and a little basic if you're already plugged into racial justice communities) and so I struggle a little with the content not because it's difficult but because it's trying to convince a mostly white or at least non black audience (and to some extent the author himself).
February 20, 2022
A must read!
April 7, 2025
interesting and powerfully worded anti-racist literature that stops short of embracing an Afropessimist perspective, which is perhaps a shortcoming. i usually avoid reading books of this ilk but was compelled by the title. most anti-racist literature appears to be marketed towards the white psyche, becoming a balm of some sorts. this is a mistake, and primarily useless, as anti-racist literature really should be written with a black (or nonwhite) reader in mind. there are points i disagree with henry on, such as nonviolence and multiracial coalitions, but he makes concessions to my perspective that endear me to him as a reader. recommended for anyone going through the motions of having white
generally, henry’s analyses linger around classic hot button issues, where whiteness appears as an obvious enemy to liberation. what is there to say about the more nuanced workings of whiteness, the mundanity of it all? perhaps, another book.
generally, henry’s analyses linger around classic hot button issues, where whiteness appears as an obvious enemy to liberation. what is there to say about the more nuanced workings of whiteness, the mundanity of it all? perhaps, another book.
February 4, 2024
This book was a JOURNEY. Henry takes us on a trip from when he first gained awareness of White Supremacy and his experience under it - specifically in a white Christian setting as a Black member…. And I was lost for a while there thinking the target demographic of this book were other Black folks recently questioning their ties to evangelicalism or recently left, but thankfully, he pulled us through several years (including the hellish summer of 2020). As someone who leads a Black Advocacy group now and also in the beginning stages of repatriating to Jamaica due to exhaustion under WS in North America, I felt SEEN. Have recommended it to all white “allies” and Black folks doing the work. Ty for this book & happy Black History Month
January 14, 2025
The title got me interested, but the book was only partially about that. In general this was solid and certainly not mad to have read it. The author spent a lot of time trying to argue the thesis of nonviolent resistance and then the other half he spends on the title thesis. It made the book feel weirdly punitive as if the people who still make space for racist white friends are also partaking in violent resistance (spoiler alert, they’re not). Knowing that to be the case made that focus on non-violence feel like an excersize in respectability politics and contra to the thesis of the book. Probably too harsh but those are my thoughts
April 7, 2022
With a title like "All the White Friends I Couldn't Keep" I had to pick this up. Like the author I have spent the years post 2016 dropping White friends because I realized that our friendship was built on my silence about my experiences.
Andre Henry wrote this book as a guide for Black Americans although he encourages others to read it. 'White Frineds' is part memoir and part instruction on how to organize. Henry is a believer in militant non violent resistance.
This book is beautifully honest and well worth the read.
Andre Henry wrote this book as a guide for Black Americans although he encourages others to read it. 'White Frineds' is part memoir and part instruction on how to organize. Henry is a believer in militant non violent resistance.
This book is beautifully honest and well worth the read.
September 24, 2022
This book is a lot to unpack, but definitely is a must read to expand knowledge on the perspective of Black Americans. Anti-blackness isn’t always obvious and it’s the “small cuts that kill” as Andre Henry states in the book. I could relate to so much of his story, even as a biracial woman. I’ve made moves in the last few years to distance or disassociate with more than a few white connections as they show repeatedly that they are too ingrained in their ways to hear.
July 30, 2025
A powerful and insightful book about Andre Henry’s experience as a Black man in America and his work as an activist and artist. Many of his anecdotes intersected with my own experiences. I would recommend this book to any non-Black person wanting to learn more about disrupting systems of power, divesting from whiteness and the need to appeal to whiteness, and finding some hope along the way.
3.5/5
3.5/5
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