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Dear White Friend: The Realities of Race, the Power of Relationships and Our Path to Equity
My friend, I do not believe you are a racist.
Melvin Gravely eloquently accomplishes what many have undoubtedly wished to do: talk openly to someone we know about race in the United States today. Gravely uses significant experience as a business and civic leader to express a rare balance in this timely message. Dear White Friend is a forthright, collegial conversation via chapters in the form of letters, each with a combination of personal reflection and meaningful hard facts. Gravely challenges the reader but without judgment or indictment. His depth of thought, deftness of expression, and clear, layman’s terms make for an urgent call to begin to close the gap between races in America. The book presents an invitation to understand three questions at the heart of the issue: What is really going on with race in our country? Why must we care? And what can we do about it together? In the end, Gravely calls on us to ask ourselves, “What is my role in all of this?” After reading Dear White Friend, readers will understand why their answer to his question can change everything.
Melvin Gravely eloquently accomplishes what many have undoubtedly wished to do: talk openly to someone we know about race in the United States today. Gravely uses significant experience as a business and civic leader to express a rare balance in this timely message. Dear White Friend is a forthright, collegial conversation via chapters in the form of letters, each with a combination of personal reflection and meaningful hard facts. Gravely challenges the reader but without judgment or indictment. His depth of thought, deftness of expression, and clear, layman’s terms make for an urgent call to begin to close the gap between races in America. The book presents an invitation to understand three questions at the heart of the issue: What is really going on with race in our country? Why must we care? And what can we do about it together? In the end, Gravely calls on us to ask ourselves, “What is my role in all of this?” After reading Dear White Friend, readers will understand why their answer to his question can change everything.
208 pages, Kindle Edition
Published July 27, 2021
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July 21, 2021
Dear White Friends, from one white person to another, please read this book. Mr. Gravely calmly and politely (sometimes perhaps too polite but he is trying to give you, his friend, the benefit of the doubt) explains racism, the causes, the results, why it needs to change, and how my dear friend you can help change the system. The entire book felt like a collection of coffee date conversations between two friends, providing well needed education. The tone of the book can be summed up in this quote from the first letter: "your potential discomfort can no longer be the reason we don't talk about race." This book is great for someone who is just coming to the realization that there is something really wrong with the treatment of minorities in this country. The first two thirds of the letters are a gentle hand holding as the facts are laid out. Much of this will be repetitive for those who have been educating themselves already. But, unlike many of the books I have already read, this is one of the few that offered suggestions for things that most everyone is in a position to do. Practical suggestions. This book would be an excellent choice for book clubs who want a basis for an introduction to systemic racism and equity and find empowerment.
Thanks to NetGalley and Greenleaf Book Group for a copy of the book. This review is my own opinion.
Thanks to NetGalley and Greenleaf Book Group for a copy of the book. This review is my own opinion.
August 28, 2021
[I received this book through a Goodreads giveaway. Trust that it did not impact my opinion.]
Dear White Friend is a, perhaps, confused attempt at synthesizing much of the racial equity and justice discussion out there and putting a smiling face on. Much of what is written in the book can be found elsewhere and in more detail. All this book tries to do is deliver it in a softer manner.
I'll give credit to that approach. Some need it. Some people are so sensitive to the topic that they innocently turn away from it if it isn't served with extra-sugary punch and pie. So maybe we need a book like that out there on the market. Although there is talk out there about how we shouldn't stifle our voices to make others feel comfortable. After all, they might get used to it and come to expect it. Urgency and impact are lost in that.
So why do I say this book is confused? I think it's largely because the author, a Black man himself, has only recently come around to the ideas of racial justice and equity. He's someone for whom things have turned out well, resulting in his ignoring the voices of people around him until now. A post-George Floyd world will do that to a Black person. I imagine this book was started before the tragedy, but it feels in some ways like a man writing to understand his thoughts on things better. And I support that!
But it also just feels off. Even the title doesn't work. Dear White Friend is probably inspired by the title of the film and TV series Dear White People. That's an intentionally provacative title. Changing people to friend attempts to soften it, I guess, but who is picking up that book? People interested in social justice pick up these books. Those who need more convincing aren't going to see the word friend and think, "I should read this book because it'll be just like hearing from the Black friend I tell everyone I have."
The framework of letters is dropped very early in the book. It starts off like a letter and maintains a familiar tone, but referring to chapters as letters doesn't make them letters. It's a bare minimum attempt to make the title work.
Another thing the book attempts is being woke without wokeness. The author wants everyone to be aware but avoids the label in an attempt to not get dismissed as being like Kendi. The main thing that stood out to me was this passage from early on in the book:
"Some people use the term 'White privilege' although it fails to provide enough context from which to act. Instead, I have chosen the term benefiting bystander."
There's a term for being active here. It's antiracism. He just gave a nicer name to not being antiracist. I've read discussions online about how unfairly antiracist boxes in people who refuse it. They say they're neither racist nor antiracist. Well, I suppose they have a third option now. Being a benefiting bystander isn't great, but they can drop part of it and say the neutral position is just being a bystander in the cultural war.
To the author's credit, later in the book he takes harder stances on issues than I would have initially thought based on the first few chapters. At the same time, he also admittedly provides some wishy-washiness. Because his feelings on things are still baking. I mean, as everything evolves, our own thoughts and approaches evolve as well. But the way he states it comes across as, again, attempting to appease and appear nonthreatening.
There are some worthwhile thoughts in the book. I can't recommend this as a major text that must be read in order to get involved in the movement, but it's not a waste of your time either. Maybe it will stand out as a strong example as self-tone policing, as Melvin Gravely is a member of the business community and simply cannot come on too strong lest he potentially sever his connections. And believe me, his connections are important. They are flaunted quite proudly in quotes lauding the book for a few pages as soon as you open the thing. I'm sure connections played a role in getting the book published as quickly as he did, so not rocking the boat while stroking at the cause seemed to be the goal.
Dear White Friend is a, perhaps, confused attempt at synthesizing much of the racial equity and justice discussion out there and putting a smiling face on. Much of what is written in the book can be found elsewhere and in more detail. All this book tries to do is deliver it in a softer manner.
I'll give credit to that approach. Some need it. Some people are so sensitive to the topic that they innocently turn away from it if it isn't served with extra-sugary punch and pie. So maybe we need a book like that out there on the market. Although there is talk out there about how we shouldn't stifle our voices to make others feel comfortable. After all, they might get used to it and come to expect it. Urgency and impact are lost in that.
So why do I say this book is confused? I think it's largely because the author, a Black man himself, has only recently come around to the ideas of racial justice and equity. He's someone for whom things have turned out well, resulting in his ignoring the voices of people around him until now. A post-George Floyd world will do that to a Black person. I imagine this book was started before the tragedy, but it feels in some ways like a man writing to understand his thoughts on things better. And I support that!
But it also just feels off. Even the title doesn't work. Dear White Friend is probably inspired by the title of the film and TV series Dear White People. That's an intentionally provacative title. Changing people to friend attempts to soften it, I guess, but who is picking up that book? People interested in social justice pick up these books. Those who need more convincing aren't going to see the word friend and think, "I should read this book because it'll be just like hearing from the Black friend I tell everyone I have."
The framework of letters is dropped very early in the book. It starts off like a letter and maintains a familiar tone, but referring to chapters as letters doesn't make them letters. It's a bare minimum attempt to make the title work.
Another thing the book attempts is being woke without wokeness. The author wants everyone to be aware but avoids the label in an attempt to not get dismissed as being like Kendi. The main thing that stood out to me was this passage from early on in the book:
"Some people use the term 'White privilege' although it fails to provide enough context from which to act. Instead, I have chosen the term benefiting bystander."
There's a term for being active here. It's antiracism. He just gave a nicer name to not being antiracist. I've read discussions online about how unfairly antiracist boxes in people who refuse it. They say they're neither racist nor antiracist. Well, I suppose they have a third option now. Being a benefiting bystander isn't great, but they can drop part of it and say the neutral position is just being a bystander in the cultural war.
To the author's credit, later in the book he takes harder stances on issues than I would have initially thought based on the first few chapters. At the same time, he also admittedly provides some wishy-washiness. Because his feelings on things are still baking. I mean, as everything evolves, our own thoughts and approaches evolve as well. But the way he states it comes across as, again, attempting to appease and appear nonthreatening.
There are some worthwhile thoughts in the book. I can't recommend this as a major text that must be read in order to get involved in the movement, but it's not a waste of your time either. Maybe it will stand out as a strong example as self-tone policing, as Melvin Gravely is a member of the business community and simply cannot come on too strong lest he potentially sever his connections. And believe me, his connections are important. They are flaunted quite proudly in quotes lauding the book for a few pages as soon as you open the thing. I'm sure connections played a role in getting the book published as quickly as he did, so not rocking the boat while stroking at the cause seemed to be the goal.
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September 11, 2022So much to unpack here. The author uses a letter format to lay out ideas such as:
• How Blacks and Whites have a different contract with America
• How racism constrains economic growth and Black innovation
• The straightforward definition of systemic racism and our only hope to address it
• The critical difference between racial equity and mere equality
• The two “pillars of equity” that are crucial to moving toward equity
• The idea of reparations as a specific means to close the large and growing wealth gap
• Five things specifically White people can do to mend the racial divide and create a path
for true equality
https://michiganchronicle.com/2021/08...
• How Blacks and Whites have a different contract with America
• How racism constrains economic growth and Black innovation
• The straightforward definition of systemic racism and our only hope to address it
• The critical difference between racial equity and mere equality
• The two “pillars of equity” that are crucial to moving toward equity
• The idea of reparations as a specific means to close the large and growing wealth gap
• Five things specifically White people can do to mend the racial divide and create a path
for true equality
https://michiganchronicle.com/2021/08...
December 11, 2023
Many people can benefit from reading this book. There is a ton to learn, both hard facts/stats and lived experiences which I really appreciate. Very gentle, but that may help some people digest things their mind refuses to acknowledge. I appreciate being given this book to read through a giveaway.
June 5, 2022
Interesting book on the ways in we can call battle racism. Made more interesting by the fact that he lives in the Cincinnati area.
July 29, 2021
If your white, your automatically a racist and a bad human being. That's the summary of it.
August 22, 2021
The author meticulously lays out the reasons it is incumbent upon white Americans to work toward equity with black folks in the U.S.A. He notes equality is not enough; it is equity that should be sought by white folks. That is (to give just one example), it’s one thing to say there is equal access to the internet for all people in America because internet is available equally to all Americans. The author notes there is not equity in internet availability because (overall) white Americans are much more likely than are blacks in this country to have internet in their homes than are many blacks. There are (the author notes) those black Americans who may have to use an internet connection that is only available in a public library which has limited hours that may be two bus rides away, and (further) does not accommodate shift workers, let alone blacks who simply cannot afford to ride the bus to begin with.
Systemic racism is not something white folks in this country are generally comfortable discussing with black folks, but to create equity that percolates throughout our society it is necessary to look at the lack of equity in housing, educational opportunities, business opportunities, and the opportunity to build intergenerational wealth, etc. In short, all aspects of our society must change if we are to be equitably inclusive of our black American brothers and sisters in order to be a fair and just America. The black author notes: “…you and I are just a micro example of a foundational macro problem that costs us all…”
Not only has this country systematically pushed down the black man/woman/child from the days of slavery, through the era of Jim Crow, and inequities in prison sentencing (to give just one example of the present system), inequity goes on and on and on, but we have done so in ways that are not overtly obvious to the white American who has not given a good deal of thought to the inequities that are built into the American way of life.
And it is not just that the system has built in racism, the author notes the lack of white Americans chances of seeing the upside of making changes that white folks are hesitant to make (due to inherent racism and lack of understanding of underlying unequal systems in this country): white Americans are not benefitting from the talents blacks can offer this country if and when given equitable opportunities at all levels of society to make contributions that would benefit us all.
For these reasons (and many more meticulously noted by the author), it is necessary that all white Americans do their fair share of working towards making foundational changes in our American way of life in order to create a truly fair America.
This is not a strident screed written by an angry black man who is ramming demands for societal changes in America down white American throats. Rather it is an exceedingly well written and thoughtful number of letters to white Americans by a black man who has succeeded in this country despite the innumerable odds against him which are inherent in our racist society.
For equity in treatment of Americans of all colors in our society, but particularly the black Americans who have been held down by our inequitable, racist system for centuries, it is necessary that each individual white American do all s/he can at the micro level to make the macro level changes necessary to accomplish this.
In closing, let it be noted that the writer of this review does not do justice to the quality of this book due to her individual lack of the ability to do so.
Systemic racism is not something white folks in this country are generally comfortable discussing with black folks, but to create equity that percolates throughout our society it is necessary to look at the lack of equity in housing, educational opportunities, business opportunities, and the opportunity to build intergenerational wealth, etc. In short, all aspects of our society must change if we are to be equitably inclusive of our black American brothers and sisters in order to be a fair and just America. The black author notes: “…you and I are just a micro example of a foundational macro problem that costs us all…”
Not only has this country systematically pushed down the black man/woman/child from the days of slavery, through the era of Jim Crow, and inequities in prison sentencing (to give just one example of the present system), inequity goes on and on and on, but we have done so in ways that are not overtly obvious to the white American who has not given a good deal of thought to the inequities that are built into the American way of life.
And it is not just that the system has built in racism, the author notes the lack of white Americans chances of seeing the upside of making changes that white folks are hesitant to make (due to inherent racism and lack of understanding of underlying unequal systems in this country): white Americans are not benefitting from the talents blacks can offer this country if and when given equitable opportunities at all levels of society to make contributions that would benefit us all.
For these reasons (and many more meticulously noted by the author), it is necessary that all white Americans do their fair share of working towards making foundational changes in our American way of life in order to create a truly fair America.
This is not a strident screed written by an angry black man who is ramming demands for societal changes in America down white American throats. Rather it is an exceedingly well written and thoughtful number of letters to white Americans by a black man who has succeeded in this country despite the innumerable odds against him which are inherent in our racist society.
For equity in treatment of Americans of all colors in our society, but particularly the black Americans who have been held down by our inequitable, racist system for centuries, it is necessary that each individual white American do all s/he can at the micro level to make the macro level changes necessary to accomplish this.
In closing, let it be noted that the writer of this review does not do justice to the quality of this book due to her individual lack of the ability to do so.
June 11, 2023
Not an enjoyable read, but maybe that was the point. I would like to meet the author and spend an hour or so exploring his thoughts in even more detail; I'm quite sure I would learn a lot. The author certainly makes one think, and he does present a very compelling argument for his viewpoints. In any debate, I know he would win! A worthwhile read for any adult with an open mind. Key excerpts below.
- I know you didn’t build the operating system of racism or consciously intend to perpetuate harm. Yet you fully participate in and receive advantages from a system designed to disproportionately marginalize Blacks. Social psychologists call it the bystander effect. P26. PJK: First time I’ve even heard of the bystander effort. I’ll need to think about this concept some more.
- The system of enslaving Black people evolved into Jim Crow. The system then became separate-but-equal schools, which never were equal, and still aren’t. p27.
- Decision making focuses on the short term because no-resourced people only have control over today. They are subject to too many forces to be able to predict tomorrow. Rather, they choose pleasure or pain and the urge of now. P35. PJK: These lines give me a better understanding of the decision making of those with lesser means. I now understand things better.
- In an economic context, racism literally makes no sense because it costs us all. Yet, we accept unemployment levels for Blacks that are 50-100% higher than for Whites. We recognize but do not question this gap in income. P72. PJK: Brilliant concept here. When women were fully energized in the workforce our nation’s economy make huge strides; I wonder what would happen if we fully enabled Black people/companies?
- The 1986 act had several provisions, and aggressive mandatory minimum prison sentencing became a significant element…. Criminalizing crack cocaine exploded our prison system and made convicted felons of a generation of Black men. More recently, our nation faced a similar drug challenge with the opiod crisis, yet the response to it differed considerably from the crack cocaine crisis… .This strategy contains not one point about mandatory minimum sentencing or criminalization of any kind… The mission was clear: Save the live of addicts and determine why so many people are becoming addicted to opiods in the first place P 75-76. PJK: Probably the best narrative and connection between the 1980s’ war on drugs and the opioid crisis. This really got me thinking.
- Longevity and wealth are the superpowers of business. The wealth creates influence, and the longevity enables the long-term thinking and commitment needed for deep investment and lasting change. P136. PJK: I need to remember these lines as well. Very true.
- I know you didn’t build the operating system of racism or consciously intend to perpetuate harm. Yet you fully participate in and receive advantages from a system designed to disproportionately marginalize Blacks. Social psychologists call it the bystander effect. P26. PJK: First time I’ve even heard of the bystander effort. I’ll need to think about this concept some more.
- The system of enslaving Black people evolved into Jim Crow. The system then became separate-but-equal schools, which never were equal, and still aren’t. p27.
- Decision making focuses on the short term because no-resourced people only have control over today. They are subject to too many forces to be able to predict tomorrow. Rather, they choose pleasure or pain and the urge of now. P35. PJK: These lines give me a better understanding of the decision making of those with lesser means. I now understand things better.
- In an economic context, racism literally makes no sense because it costs us all. Yet, we accept unemployment levels for Blacks that are 50-100% higher than for Whites. We recognize but do not question this gap in income. P72. PJK: Brilliant concept here. When women were fully energized in the workforce our nation’s economy make huge strides; I wonder what would happen if we fully enabled Black people/companies?
- The 1986 act had several provisions, and aggressive mandatory minimum prison sentencing became a significant element…. Criminalizing crack cocaine exploded our prison system and made convicted felons of a generation of Black men. More recently, our nation faced a similar drug challenge with the opiod crisis, yet the response to it differed considerably from the crack cocaine crisis… .This strategy contains not one point about mandatory minimum sentencing or criminalization of any kind… The mission was clear: Save the live of addicts and determine why so many people are becoming addicted to opiods in the first place P 75-76. PJK: Probably the best narrative and connection between the 1980s’ war on drugs and the opioid crisis. This really got me thinking.
- Longevity and wealth are the superpowers of business. The wealth creates influence, and the longevity enables the long-term thinking and commitment needed for deep investment and lasting change. P136. PJK: I need to remember these lines as well. Very true.
February 27, 2024
In this series of letters written to white Americans, Dr. Melvin Gravely unpacks his experiences as a highly accomplished Black man in America, his take (and the data-backed realities) on the current state of racial disparity, and what he thinks white Americans can do about it.
This book is a soft, easy primer (with hard truths!) for white people on the path to uncovering the complex design of systemic racism and learning how to be anti-racist. Highly recommend for all to read.
Also proud that this author has contributed a lot to my hometown. It’s good to know voices like Dr. Gravely’s have an audience in the Cincinnati community.
“There are systematic challenges we would rather treat as symptoms than explore deeper in an effort to cure the actual illness. The illness is racism—it is not an overstatement to say intentional racism continues to infect every system in our country.”
“Yet the chatter about who is or isn’t a racist can distract us from the systemic source, racism. Racism is a system of laws, practices, norms, and mores that assumes the interest of Whites is superior to all others. These systems disproportionately keep White people on the top, Black people on the bottom, and everyone else in between. And most importantly, racism doesn’t need a racist to give it power.”
“CSI goes on to describe racial equity as when Black people are “owners, planners and decision-makers in the systems that govern their lives” and “when we acknowledge and account for past and current inequities and provide all people . . . the infrastructure needed to thrive.””
“I struggle because I have learned to govern myself within your context and your sensibilities. Some Black people, including me, have been conditioned to only want what we think we can convince our White colleagues to do.”
“it is up to us and our willingness to grapple with the facts once we know them.”
This book is a soft, easy primer (with hard truths!) for white people on the path to uncovering the complex design of systemic racism and learning how to be anti-racist. Highly recommend for all to read.
Also proud that this author has contributed a lot to my hometown. It’s good to know voices like Dr. Gravely’s have an audience in the Cincinnati community.
“There are systematic challenges we would rather treat as symptoms than explore deeper in an effort to cure the actual illness. The illness is racism—it is not an overstatement to say intentional racism continues to infect every system in our country.”
“Yet the chatter about who is or isn’t a racist can distract us from the systemic source, racism. Racism is a system of laws, practices, norms, and mores that assumes the interest of Whites is superior to all others. These systems disproportionately keep White people on the top, Black people on the bottom, and everyone else in between. And most importantly, racism doesn’t need a racist to give it power.”
“CSI goes on to describe racial equity as when Black people are “owners, planners and decision-makers in the systems that govern their lives” and “when we acknowledge and account for past and current inequities and provide all people . . . the infrastructure needed to thrive.””
“I struggle because I have learned to govern myself within your context and your sensibilities. Some Black people, including me, have been conditioned to only want what we think we can convince our White colleagues to do.”
“it is up to us and our willingness to grapple with the facts once we know them.”
October 29, 2021
I requested this book because I think it's important to have these types of discussions in our social climate today. I'm eager to know what I can do, as a white woman, to advance these dialogues and truly move past a long history of racism in our country that unfortunately, still exists today.
Dr. Gravely opens his book by stating he doesn't believe the reader is racist. I think that was important for any reader of this book to immediately let their guards down so they will be able to not only "read" what he's saying but sincerely contemplate his ideas and determine what their own prejudices or privileges are so we can advance a more inclusive community around us.
I do believe it was important for the author to state we need to start within ourselves. While one may automatically believe they harbor no racist motives, prejudices or privileges, those are exactly the type of cognitive dissonances that tend to harbor any positive movement toward ending racism. Dr. Gravely does not ever make the reader feel demeaned but there are times where the discussion is uncomfortable. However, this makes you truly think about what he's saying.
The writing style is not stuffy, or preaching in any way. Dr. Graves writes as if he's sitting in a chair across from you having a discussion about what it means to be a black member of society. He gives examples and personal anecdotes to punctuate his points. One of his examples, where he was stopped in a hospital with his then-girlfriend, who was a doctor, was heart-breaking. While these examples are sensitive there are also compassionate questions like "How can we trust one another?" and clear examples of how we can contribute to helping end racism in our country.
Dr. Gravely opens his book by stating he doesn't believe the reader is racist. I think that was important for any reader of this book to immediately let their guards down so they will be able to not only "read" what he's saying but sincerely contemplate his ideas and determine what their own prejudices or privileges are so we can advance a more inclusive community around us.
I do believe it was important for the author to state we need to start within ourselves. While one may automatically believe they harbor no racist motives, prejudices or privileges, those are exactly the type of cognitive dissonances that tend to harbor any positive movement toward ending racism. Dr. Gravely does not ever make the reader feel demeaned but there are times where the discussion is uncomfortable. However, this makes you truly think about what he's saying.
The writing style is not stuffy, or preaching in any way. Dr. Graves writes as if he's sitting in a chair across from you having a discussion about what it means to be a black member of society. He gives examples and personal anecdotes to punctuate his points. One of his examples, where he was stopped in a hospital with his then-girlfriend, who was a doctor, was heart-breaking. While these examples are sensitive there are also compassionate questions like "How can we trust one another?" and clear examples of how we can contribute to helping end racism in our country.
August 22, 2022
I just finished reading Dear White Friend. Since Melvin gravely lives in Cincinnati I've actually sent him a friend request and a message through Facebook to talk to him about his book. I grew up in Forest Park on Northern suburb of Cincinnati. Forest Park was founded in the late '50s early '60s and specifically was made to be a place for equal housing. There was no redlining taking place. I grew up in a fairly diverse school environment I'd always had other black classmates and friends. In the '80s Forest Park did experience the White Flight. Many families moved to other neighborhoods because of perceived better school districts. I also believe as the black to white ratio of students became closer some families felt their home values would be affected. I graduated from Forest Park High School in 1988 and I can honestly say I am very proud of our reading curriculum. Other schools may have excelled in certain subjects but I feel I received a quality education.
The majority of my workplace fields have been in organizations fairly diverse. I'm not going to say that reading Mr gravely's book was "preaching to the choir" by any means. I always feel there is more one can learn even in a topic one is familiar, and as diverse environment I've been in, I haven't "walked in their in shoes". More importantly though it gives me another opportunity to have conversations about race among my friends, family and broader community. For this reason alone I highly recommend reading "Dear White Friend".
The majority of my workplace fields have been in organizations fairly diverse. I'm not going to say that reading Mr gravely's book was "preaching to the choir" by any means. I always feel there is more one can learn even in a topic one is familiar, and as diverse environment I've been in, I haven't "walked in their in shoes". More importantly though it gives me another opportunity to have conversations about race among my friends, family and broader community. For this reason alone I highly recommend reading "Dear White Friend".
April 6, 2022
Gravely has produced a book that is provocative, passionate, and purposeful. It is good, not great. That said, I think he and I would be good friends or at least good company for one another. We see the world and it’s problems differently and we see solutions differently.
Dear White Friend is at times patronizing and at times challenging. Gravely works diligently to not be accusatory, but does not succeed entirely. At on point he writes that if the reader does not agree with him then there cannot be any progress. In essence, he tells readers that disagree with him that they are wrong and they are part of the problem.
Despite the numerous errors in the book (some factual, some interpretive), Gravely succeeds in helping readers wrestle with race, racial injustice, and racial inequities. This is worth the price of the book. His perspective from historical stories and his lived experience us insightful even if uncomfortable. Chapters 8 and 10 are the highlights of the book for me. Chapters 16, 18, and 19 are very good as well.
This book should not be dismissed out of hand nor should his structural remedies be ignored. You may not like all his suggestions but they will make you think more broadly and deeply than before. I would welcome any opportunity to discuss this book with him or with other community leaders.
Dear White Friend is at times patronizing and at times challenging. Gravely works diligently to not be accusatory, but does not succeed entirely. At on point he writes that if the reader does not agree with him then there cannot be any progress. In essence, he tells readers that disagree with him that they are wrong and they are part of the problem.
Despite the numerous errors in the book (some factual, some interpretive), Gravely succeeds in helping readers wrestle with race, racial injustice, and racial inequities. This is worth the price of the book. His perspective from historical stories and his lived experience us insightful even if uncomfortable. Chapters 8 and 10 are the highlights of the book for me. Chapters 16, 18, and 19 are very good as well.
This book should not be dismissed out of hand nor should his structural remedies be ignored. You may not like all his suggestions but they will make you think more broadly and deeply than before. I would welcome any opportunity to discuss this book with him or with other community leaders.
June 7, 2022
So I got this book from work because the company I work for is making an honest effort to be more diverse and inclusive and so: book discussion. I have read plenty of books about race and I’m fully on board that train so I didn’t think this book would really have anything new to say, but I have to admit it was fairly unlike most of the books on race I read. This is the first I’ve read by a businessman rather than a professional academic (although I believe he does have a PHD). Most of what I read takes the approach that capitalism is part and parcel with racism and we cannot dismantle one without the other. This book was interesting to me because it takes a much softer gentler approach. The language is uses might be what I need to get my racist family members to finally fucking acknowledge that white privilege is very real. It was interesting to see arguments for ways to spend our way out of the problem, that I don’t think I fully agree with because I’m too much of an anti capitalist for that, but I appreciated the new perspective. I would definitely recommend it for businesses/people with hiring power.
November 26, 2021
Melvin Gravely uses his unique position as an esteemed business leader to urge whites to talk openly about race. His experience and insight help him have a soft approach that will encourage civil discourse and hopefully challenge the reader to not merely talk about race but to take action to make meaningful change in their community.
Facts are laid out concisely without judgement and are meticulously documented. This helps in understanding the background of how and why blacks have been denied generational wealth in the United States. What I liked best is the practical solutions Gravely lays out in ways even somebody like me can make a change. While I live in an area with a very small black population, this book inspired me to check my local resources to find black owned businesses that I can support with dollars.
While the writing style of this book isn't the type I usually gravitate towards, I love how this book accomplishes having a greater understanding of race relations and what I can do about it.
I won this book in a Goodreads giveaway.
Facts are laid out concisely without judgement and are meticulously documented. This helps in understanding the background of how and why blacks have been denied generational wealth in the United States. What I liked best is the practical solutions Gravely lays out in ways even somebody like me can make a change. While I live in an area with a very small black population, this book inspired me to check my local resources to find black owned businesses that I can support with dollars.
While the writing style of this book isn't the type I usually gravitate towards, I love how this book accomplishes having a greater understanding of race relations and what I can do about it.
I won this book in a Goodreads giveaway.
July 1, 2022
I think the author did an excellent job of explaining how his life and the lives of other black people differ from those of white people - and how white people often have not realized some of the basic differences and the reason(s) for those differences.
I found only one typo in the book, and it was minor - though for thought - so I agree that the author had an excellent editor.
The book seemed to be geared toward community leaders, and I would have preferred to read more about how others can learn more about the differences between and similarities of black people and white people.
Perhaps short online courses could be developed to help inform us of our cultural differences (which of course also differ from place to place in the United States). Language courses would also help us to understand each other better, especially when the person is talking fast and you hear the voice but don't see the speaker in his/her environment, which could provide clues for the listener.
I found only one typo in the book, and it was minor - though for thought - so I agree that the author had an excellent editor.
The book seemed to be geared toward community leaders, and I would have preferred to read more about how others can learn more about the differences between and similarities of black people and white people.
Perhaps short online courses could be developed to help inform us of our cultural differences (which of course also differ from place to place in the United States). Language courses would also help us to understand each other better, especially when the person is talking fast and you hear the voice but don't see the speaker in his/her environment, which could provide clues for the listener.
September 13, 2021
The writing style of this book felt very familiar and disarming. As a white man with several black friends who I met in Junior High School, the "dialogue" (although we really only ever got to read Mel's words to his white friend) seemed very comfortable. Because I have been doing quite a bit of reading from other black authors lately, including Heather McGhee and Carol Anderson, some of the content was familiar but it did not seem redundant, rather it felt appropriate to the point Mr. Gravely was making.
I would recommend this book to my white friends who seek better understanding and to my black friends as I am about to ask you about your experiences and how we can make a difference together.
This book is action-oriented, but from a personal level, not a systemic level, although acknowledging and deciding to do something about systemic racism feels possible after reading this.
I would recommend this book to my white friends who seek better understanding and to my black friends as I am about to ask you about your experiences and how we can make a difference together.
This book is action-oriented, but from a personal level, not a systemic level, although acknowledging and deciding to do something about systemic racism feels possible after reading this.
November 25, 2021
I received this book as a giveaway. It did not impact my review. I’m honestly somewhere between 3 and 4 stars. If this book didn’t come out when it did, I probably would have appreciated it more.
Dear White Friend claims to have been written as 19 letters to the reader. The information is good and helpful. However, it feels a lot like an attempt to mimic Conversations with a Black Man. The idea that each chapter is a letter doesn’t really feel like it works either.
The author did an awesome job siting sources and giving thorough information. Would I recommend this book to someone who’s been engaged in conversations about race, probably not. I would recommend this book to my grandma who doesn’t quite understand why people think families with people that were enslaved should get reparations today.
Dear White Friend claims to have been written as 19 letters to the reader. The information is good and helpful. However, it feels a lot like an attempt to mimic Conversations with a Black Man. The idea that each chapter is a letter doesn’t really feel like it works either.
The author did an awesome job siting sources and giving thorough information. Would I recommend this book to someone who’s been engaged in conversations about race, probably not. I would recommend this book to my grandma who doesn’t quite understand why people think families with people that were enslaved should get reparations today.
December 30, 2021
I won a copy of this book through Goodreads Giveaways and am voluntarily leaving a review.
I work in DE&I, so many of these concepts and conversations are common for me, but I can appreciate the fact that they are really uncommon for a lot of well-meaning white people who just don’t have space or people to talk to about this subject. And because of that, and to solve that problem, I think this book is an excellent entry into the library on diversity, inclusion & equity. If you’ve been wanting to make change but you’re feeling unsure how, or you’ve heard things about systemic racism and you don’t know what that means, or white privilege, or reparations, and you feel like you don’t have anyone to ask (I mean, hi, hello, ask me, but starting those conversations can be hard), I recommend this book to you.
I work in DE&I, so many of these concepts and conversations are common for me, but I can appreciate the fact that they are really uncommon for a lot of well-meaning white people who just don’t have space or people to talk to about this subject. And because of that, and to solve that problem, I think this book is an excellent entry into the library on diversity, inclusion & equity. If you’ve been wanting to make change but you’re feeling unsure how, or you’ve heard things about systemic racism and you don’t know what that means, or white privilege, or reparations, and you feel like you don’t have anyone to ask (I mean, hi, hello, ask me, but starting those conversations can be hard), I recommend this book to you.
August 8, 2025
Thought provoking from a white stranger.
Mel writes to me as if I am his friend. In reality, we’ve never met. He doesn’t know me, my views on race, bigotry, or equality, let alone equity. To that end, I now know him and his views MUCH better. What I learned along the way was nothing short of astounding. Mel is direct, to the point, and spot-on in his approach to the topic. His parting words are to do something. This is so important for this and so many other biases we often have. I have been the only white man in a room of African-Americans, on several occasions, and yet, I have never been the only Black man in an otherwise all white setting. I encourage you to read the book, take some notes, and do something.
Mel writes to me as if I am his friend. In reality, we’ve never met. He doesn’t know me, my views on race, bigotry, or equality, let alone equity. To that end, I now know him and his views MUCH better. What I learned along the way was nothing short of astounding. Mel is direct, to the point, and spot-on in his approach to the topic. His parting words are to do something. This is so important for this and so many other biases we often have. I have been the only white man in a room of African-Americans, on several occasions, and yet, I have never been the only Black man in an otherwise all white setting. I encourage you to read the book, take some notes, and do something.
September 27, 2021
Letters from a friend
The letters in this book feel like they are coming from a good friend, one that you have known for years and shared your deepest secrets with, cried and laughed with, maybe found the bottom of a couple of bottles with.
These letters made me think about race in a way I hadn't before and I'm glad about that. They stated the issues, complete with sources to back up the claims, and offered some ways to start to solve them.
Of course, something so entrenched in our society will take a while to work out, but starting to work on it is better than pretending that it doesn't exist.
The letters in this book feel like they are coming from a good friend, one that you have known for years and shared your deepest secrets with, cried and laughed with, maybe found the bottom of a couple of bottles with.
These letters made me think about race in a way I hadn't before and I'm glad about that. They stated the issues, complete with sources to back up the claims, and offered some ways to start to solve them.
Of course, something so entrenched in our society will take a while to work out, but starting to work on it is better than pretending that it doesn't exist.
February 25, 2022
There is already a lot of perfectly said reviews on this title, I don't know what more I could add. This book is a collection of letters by Mr. Gravely that gives a calm and real approach to black and white. It is not dramatic or hateful but respectful and thought provoking. It brings up a lot of topics and suggestions.
Personally I agree with so much of what this man has written, this book wasn't a surprise. I think that a lot of people who read this are the ones who are conflicted with race topics. I'm also in the group that feels like there is nothing I can do on a personal level.I have closed this book with insights and understandings. I do appreciate the author and hope this gives others a light to change things.
Personally I agree with so much of what this man has written, this book wasn't a surprise. I think that a lot of people who read this are the ones who are conflicted with race topics. I'm also in the group that feels like there is nothing I can do on a personal level.I have closed this book with insights and understandings. I do appreciate the author and hope this gives others a light to change things.
August 28, 2021
Toward the end of Dear White Friend, the author writes “There is no solution to systemic racism. There is just us …” and our willingness to learn and to change. This book is such a great start on that path. It uses the literary construction of letters and a disarming and personal account of the writer’s own experiences to engage those who are interested in learning more about the history of racism in the U.S., the brutality of the black experience and its long-lasting impact on this country, and potential paths forward.
October 29, 2021
An honest and open-minded observation of the current state of race relations. Gravely goes out of his way to avoid being fully confrontational and instead invites the reader to understand how life may be seen by those having grown up with visible differences, primarily regarding race. He invites collaboration and cooperation in moving forward and encourages conversation in all future events.
I received a free copy of this book from the publisher via NetGalley in exchange for an honest review.
I received a free copy of this book from the publisher via NetGalley in exchange for an honest review.
June 13, 2022
Would recommend for those looking for an easy-to-read and softer introduction into race discussion and introspection. Would be my recommendation as a starting point for white individuals who have previously espoused they are "color-blind" or have suggested affirmative action is "reverse racism", but have started to signal they are open to reflection after current events related to BLM, police violence, etc.
June 5, 2023
Wonderful book!
This book made me think more about the current disparities between Blacks and Whites and other races in America. I love how this book was framed as letters from a successful black man to his white friend (which is all white people, really). I am happy to know that I am taking small actions that he suggested at the end of the book. As a white woman dating a black man for the first time, I desire more than ever now to be part of the solution toward true racial equality.
This book made me think more about the current disparities between Blacks and Whites and other races in America. I love how this book was framed as letters from a successful black man to his white friend (which is all white people, really). I am happy to know that I am taking small actions that he suggested at the end of the book. As a white woman dating a black man for the first time, I desire more than ever now to be part of the solution toward true racial equality.
August 19, 2021
I am that friend. I have already given my rating but am only through chapter 3. In my love for everyone these letters helped me try to understand. Thank You. Will finish my review when I finish reading. Although some of the letters may be uncomfortable I have already recommended this book to quite a few. Happy reading!
October 5, 2021
An excellent discussion on the various topics of racial equity that MUST be discussed. This is a great read for any white person who doesn’t know where to start, is confused about racial equity, wonders if anything can be done, doesn’t think anything can be done, or thinks nothing is wrong.
I received a copy of this book for free through Goodreads Giveaways.
I received a copy of this book for free through Goodreads Giveaways.
October 10, 2021
Straightforward, well written and thought provoking book that asks the hard questions to which we must make a strong effort to honestly answer and undertake the responsibility to address.
My thanks to goodreads and the book’s giveaway sponsors for the opportunity to obtain and read a copy of this book.
My thanks to goodreads and the book’s giveaway sponsors for the opportunity to obtain and read a copy of this book.
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October 25, 2021Content and argument wise, this felt a bit all over the place in terms of where Gravely pushed and where he didn't. This definitely felt focused to middle-age, upper-middle-class white business men, an audience that I think we can all say likely needs a softer touch.
In terms of structure, this loses the front of being letters pretty early on.
In terms of structure, this loses the front of being letters pretty early on.
December 22, 2021
This is a must read for any white ally to the black community, particularly anyone who is looking for a good starting place to learn about the black experience and how to be an ally. Even for those who have already been taking the time and doing the work to learn as an ally, this book offers a lot of insight for both personal growth and educating others.
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