The Anxious Perfectionist: How to Manage Perfectionism-Driven Anxiety Using Acceptance and Commitment Therapy

by Clarissa W. Ong, Michael P. Twohig

Is your perfectionism causing you anxiety, stress, and worry?

If you identify as a perfectionist, you may not see your perfectionism as a problem. But striving for unrealistic standards, basing your self-worth on meeting those standards, and engaging in persistent self-criticism will ultimately lead to anxiety, stress, worry, burnout, and unhappiness. So, how can you distinguish between “helpful” and “hurtful” perfectionism and stop holding yourself and others to unrealistically high standards?

Written by two clinical psychologists, Perfectly Anxious shines a much-needed light on the hidden costs of “being the best,” and offers essential skills based in acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT) to help you cope with the anxiety that is driven by your perfectionism. You’ll learn how your “need to be perfect” can actually hinder your productivity, and keep you from reaching your goals. You’ll also learn skills to help you gain distance from negative self-talk and criticism, let go of unhelpful and self-limiting labels such as “success” or “failure,” and give yourself and others permission to make mistakes while still honoring your high aspirations.

If you’re struggling with feelings of anxiety and stress, and suspect your perfectionism may be to blame, this guide will show you how to stop getting in the way of your own success, and live a life guided by your deepest values.

Genres: Self Help, Nonfiction, Psychology, Mental Health, Audiobook, Personal Development, Productivity

160 pages, Paperback

Published March 1, 2022

Reviews

[Khadeeja · Rating 5 out of 5]

Never has anything dissected my brain and spoken to me so well. I think this book changed my life a bit. Thanks @Haley for putting this on my radar!!

Also discovered that I prefer to consume non-fiction books in the audiobook format because getting through them physically is *painful*

[Abbie Lay · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is a game changer for someone who has had a lifelong struggle with perfectionism driven anxiety. I cannot speak highly enough about this book, or be more appreciative for the tools it has given me to begin shifting my mindset away from my drive for perfection. It has been invaluable to me and allowed me the space to name my issues and recognize that there may be a different, healthier way to view the world, life and myself. I genuinely mean it when I say that this book has been life changing and I recommend it to anyone who struggles with perfectionism. It is thoughtful, intentional, consumable and gracious. Here’s to books that teach us how to be kinder, gentler, fuller versions of ourselves.

[Alan · Rating 3 out of 5]

Lots of decent ideas in here which I will happily refer to during discussions of perfectionism. Probably the best place to start prior to moving on to something meaty, whether that is through an ACT modality or not.

[Jessica Carpenter · Rating 5 out of 5]

Practical and phenomenal! I was worried this would be more like a “self-help” book, but this is far from it! The authors begin by explaining how we become anxious perfectionists and provide practical exercises throughout the book. I appreciate the encouragement that finishing the book does not mean you are magically free from anxious perfectionism. Instead, they challenge you to keep doing the work. Big fan!

[Helena (helenareadsxx) · Rating 3 out of 5]

Thank you to NetGalley for providing me an ARC in exchange for an honest review. I ddi enjoy this book, it was the right length and so wasn't too short or too long. I think this would need another read to fully digest it. Definitely resonated to this book as I am a perfectionist myself.

[Jess · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was such a well-written book. At 152 pages, it was long enough that it got in-depth and explained things well, but not so long that it dragged on. It was well written in an easy-to-understand dialogue, without a needed psychology background. Anyone could easily read this book and likely gain something from it. I loved that this book covered the background of what perfectionism is, acceptance and avoidance, and shifting focus. One of my favorite parts of the book was when it discussed self-kindness and self-care, something I definitely need to work on!

Thanks to NetGalley & New Harbinger Publications, Inc. for an advanced copy in exchange for an honest review!

[Amanda · Rating 3 out of 5]

I thought this book was less helpful than "Too Perfect" and "The Healthy Compulsive" and Brene Brown's work, mostly because a lot of the advice in the last half of the book centered around setting values and achieving goals. I actually have trouble with making time to rest and to play and NOT work towards measurable goals and NOT measure my self worth by my productivity. I think that the authors meant I should set values and goals around things that matter to me (including resting and playing), but their advice kinda felt like one more to do and to track, and that's the very hamster wheel I want to get off.

[Brooke Andria Taylor · Rating 5 out of 5]

A good reminder, albeit not a lot of new information. But I have some new ideas of how to approach my own and patient’s perfectionism, so I call that a win!

Notes:

Chapter 1 - The Cost of Trying to Be the Best
* Perfectionism is caused by the shame of being inadequate, fear of failure
* You identify your self worth by other’s expectations
* Effects of perfectionism
* The positive: a good job, the ‘right’ partner, etc etc
* The negative: stress, worry, and anxiety
* Questions
* What have you given up to stay in the game (engage with perfectionism)?
* What are you getting out of playing the game?
* What have you done to try to beat perfectionism?
* How effective have these strategies been at helping you beat perfectionism?
* Are you more satisfied with your life now than you were a year ago?
* Is life going the way you want it to go?
* Is a life dominated by anxiety, stress, and worry a worthy pursuit?
* What’s going to happen if you keep letting perfectionism rule your life?
* How has your perfectionism formed?
* If you had no one to answer to but yourself (you’re already perfect), what would you want out of your time on this planet?

Chapter 2 - When Perfectionism Gets in Your Way
* As long as you’re playing the game, you’re losing
* You don’t have to be an overachiever to be a perfectionist
* Adaptive perfectionist: striving for perfection and getting rewards or meaning (approach, process, casual)
* Maladaptive perfectionist: self-criticism, rigid pursuit of unrealistically high standards, distress when standards aren’t met (avoidance, outcome, committed)

Chapter 3 - Acknowledging the Noise Without Surrendering to It
* Without obedience to perfectionism’s rules, it’s powerless
* Coherence seeking - needing an explanation for events and observations
* Is should/need to/must ____ because _____ or I’m/ im not _____ so I can/cant _____
* Is it helpful?
* Acknowledging without surrendering, you don’t have to engage them
* Then consider what they have to say, take what’s helpful and discard the rest

Chapter 4 - Making Room for Feelings of Imperfection
* Emotional avoidance -> numbness
* “Its about accepting your history and capacity to feel, not your situations or behaviors” - Steven Hayes
* Practice feeling uncomfortable
* https://www.newharbinger.com/48459

* Get into an awkward position
* See if you can notice which part of hour body feels most uncomfortable. Is it your shoulders, neck, lower back, legs, chest? Find a spot that stands out. Gently bring your attention to it. Don’t try to change or control it in any way.
* Give it a face (doesn’t have to be a literal face, just a representative visual). What does the discomfort look like? What is its shape, color, size, expression, density, and so forth?
* Observe how it’s moving (or not moving). Is it pacing up and down, radiating from its core; pinballing in all directions, pulsing like a wave, or staying completely still?
* Trace the boundary of the feeling in your body. Follow it to where it ends and draw a perimeter around it. Take a step back and look at the space in which this feeling is existing. Don’t do anything with it. Just look.
* When you have a sense of the entirety of the feeling, watch it as if it were a movie. Watch the frame change from second to second, letting the feeling do its thing. Your job is to watch, not to rewind or fast-forward. Bring some curiosity to the watching, as if you’ve never felt this feeling before. What’s it going to do next? Where’s it going to go? What other parts of your body is it reaching?
* After you’ve watched the feeling for a while, to the point that you could describe it to someone else, look for something new about the feeling you hadn’t noticed earlier. Maybe it’s showing up in a new place. Maybe it has alternating rhythms. Maybe it has a layer of heaviness to it.
* Return to step 5: watch the feeling as you now know it as if it were playing on a theater screen. Get cozy in your mind’s armchair and watch the show for a few moments.

Chapter 5 - Letting Go of Your Labels and Stories
* Activity
* How would you describe yourself? 3 words.
* How do these labels influence your behaviors and perspectives
* Self labels & self stories
* Problematic if they govern behavior (ex: value self in smart, go to med school to prove that you are)
* If you conflate labels with your experience (ex: you lose sight of what is happening with what should be happening, like being so focused on being an introvert that you ignore the fact that you enjoyed a conversation at the party)
* If your attachment to them leads to unnecessary suffering (ex: value social justice = shame if not constantly educating self on news, etc)
* Dialectics, two realities can exist
* Activity: shifting perspectives
* https://newharbinger.com/48459

◦ Who are you without your labels? take a second to ponder that. Drop all of the adjectives and nouns after “I am” and just see what’s left. Be an I for a moment. Settle into what it’s like to simply be, without identities, clouding your perception. No neurotic, accomplished, funny, ambitious, sensitive, and such. Just be. Survey your mind space from this Vantage Point.
◦ What did you notice when you let go of your labels? Perhaps you felt a new lightness without the need to prove yourself. Perhaps you discovered you could be truly present without these anchors. Maybe you felt uncertain and confused. Maybe you felt distressed when you couldn’t find a way to simply be. We are hoping that whatever you noticed, it was a change from your typical experience, because that illustrates how strongly your experiences are colored by labels and stories, and opens up an alternative possibility in which you choose differently.
◦ Like removing blinders, letting go of identities, exposes you to a whole new reality, not just the parts that cohere with your established narratives. For example, maybe you love, listening to obscure artists who seen about profound subjects, and you genuinely relate to Taylor, Swift, or you care a lot about striving for excellence and the most impressive accolades Feel in subsunstantial, were you readily understand general relativity, and you didn’t realize your bicycle had gears until someone pointed them out. All these realities can coexist when you are free from your stories.
◦ Now go a little further and let go of the self entirely. Whatever entity you see as yourself step back from that. Observe the thoughts, feelings, labels, and stories in the present space; watch them linger or drift by without attachment to these experiences or to the coherent self. What’s it like to be detached from all of it, to be relieved of the burden of coherence?
◦ Shifting from a self that is defined by the content of labels and stories to an observing non-self entails a change in perspective, like looking at a towering mountain from the ground, as opposed to looking at it from a plane in the sky. Even though the mountain doesn’t change, it’s experienced differently, depending on your point of view. From the ground, you might view the mountain as an insurmountable behemoth that conjure feelings of fear and helplessness, but from the sky, you may see a stunning geological feature that reminds you of the beauty of nature and illicit calmness and off. To be clear, perspective, taking isn’t about changing your mindset or attitude. That doesn’t work, at least not where it really matters, so don’t try to change the thoughts, feelings, or labels. Instead, take a different perspective on them.View them from the sky, not the ground.

* Self-criticism
* Activity: which do you carry with you? When was the first time you had this thought? Visualize a smaller version of you struggling with this thought - flesh out the scene with 5 senses. Can you see this child was/is you?
* It motivates! But is it helpful or even kind? Would you give it as a pep talk to a friend? No ofc not

Chapter 6 - Identifying What Truly Matters
* Be who you care to be
* Note when the shoulds and values blur
* No your list doesn’t need to be perfect, get in touch with the part of you that’s willing to be wrong
* Values
* Identify
* Connect with = you CHOOSE to do something
* Small habits, being unprepared or waiting for the green light
* Choosing among conflicting values (what’s realistic?)

Chapter 7 - Focusing on the Process over Outcome
* Be able to redirect your awareness and attention when it comes to worry, like in a breathing exercise
* Activity: taking control of your mind’s spotlight
* https://newharbinger.com/48459 (54321)
* Use mindful

Chapter 8 - Being Kind to Yourself
* “Caring for myself is not self indulgence, it is self preservation.” - Audre Lorde
* Doesn’t/shouldn’t always be big, but small habits and things like brushing your teeth
* You don’t need to earn these things
* Benefits: save time and energy, more productive, connect with others more authentically
* How to you treat yourself? What do you allow or deny yourself?
* Activity: practicing self kindness
* Https://www.newharbinger.com/48459

◦ Start by thinking of someone you care for unconditionally. This is someone who literally can’t do anything to make you love them less, not even if they miss your birthday, cancel plans at the last minute, or repeatedly mispronounce your child’s name, you would still love them just as much. What shows up for you when you visualize this person? Close your eyes. Notice what changes occur in your body.
◦
◦ Did your heartbeat faster? Was there fluttering or lightness in your chest? Did you send goosebumps? We typically have a certain physiological reaction to the people we love. Experience what it is like to choose love in this moment. Take time to settle into the glow of it. Observe your love, reaching the person you’ve visualize and let them bask in its warmth.
◦
◦ Now replace that person with you. Picture of yourself on the receiving end of this loving energy. Do your best to maintain focus and reoriented to the exercise if you get distracted. What is it like to look at yourself through this lens? Can you allow yourself to receive the love you give? Write your observations and reactions in your notebook.

* Ways to practice self kindness: ask for help, be vulnerable, create space for difficult thoughts and feelings, find a new hobby or get back into an old one, get enough sleep, go to therapy, opt out of activities that don’t serve you, prioritize your needs over those of others, set and maintain boundaries, state your needs explicitly, surround yourself with people who love and respect you, take time to eat and savor meals
* Treat yourself the way you would a loved one

Chapter 9 - Living the Life You Want
* SMART goals
* Structure your environment (stimulus control: behavior controlled by the absence or presence of a stimulus)
* Introduce consequences
* Sticky habits
* Barriers to change -
* the business trap (i’m too busy -> I’m not willing to take the time”)
* The need for certainty

Chapter 10 - staying on the path you’ve chosen
* Practice!
* Instead of unlearning, relearn new patterns. You’ll still have the urge to do things perfectly, but you’ll have the habits to combat it
* Check your values
* Check your actions
* Connect with your values
* Create variability - open yourself up to new uncomfy experiences
* Failure is an option!!!! Not only is it an option, it’s inevitable and it’s a part of growing. The muscle you’re building is getting back on track

[Mary Roney · Rating 5 out of 5]

If you struggle with perfectionist tenancies at any level, I would highly recommend this book. I myself struggle with perfectionism in my own way and found this extremely helpful in providing tools and viewpoints to help recognize and combat my perfectionist thoughts and anxieties. It was an easy read and follows act principles, which in my opinion are some of the best when working towards improving mental health.

[Starla]

I'm not going to rate the book, but I will say it was a great audio read.
I got lots of great exercises and tips throughout and the book just kept getting better.

However, I would really like to sit down with a physical copy and absorb everything.

Hmmm, perfectionism, perhaps.

[eMiLy · Rating 4 out of 5]

Actual rating: 3.75. Listened to as audiobook. Worth revisiting in book format.

[Carelly Vazquez · Rating 5 out of 5]

Si eres un perfeccionista y eres ansioso, este es tu libro. Ame que alguien describiera cómo funciona mi mente.

Súper recomiendo

[Rosa · Rating 4 out of 5]

3.5-4*
Glad I picked this up because it was really interesting. Nothing groundbreakingly new, especially if you have already had some experience with this topic. Nevertheless the points this book makes are really well thought out and conveyed in a way that make them very accessible.
I liked that it shows you strategies how to identify and incorporate your form of perfectionism, rather than just telling you to let it go.
I will say that it made me anxious at times reading it because I have never read a book that made me feel so called out consistently^^
Personally I am not the biggest fan of having to do these little exercises and writing down stuff in your notebook, but that is not the book's fault and they do tell you that this will be part of it at the beginning.

[Ali · Rating 5 out of 5]

The instruction manual I should’ve been born with

[Hilary "Fox" · Rating 4 out of 5]

I picked this book up from the library a while ago, and got through it rather quickly...

It's an easily accessible book, but the contents within it are incredibly powerful. Reading this book helped alter my perspective about many of the habits that I've fallen prey to over the course of my life. Procrastination, failure to complete tasks, and the "freezing" that happens when overloaded are not symptoms of laziness the way that people commonly associate them with being. They, more commonly, are symptoms of anxious perfectionism. While the desire to do things well is not a bad thing, it can manifest poorly when it results in not doing anything at all.

This book has a variety of helpful advice for working on overcoming some of the fear. ACT is a powerful tool, and the book introduces the concepts of how to use it slowly enough that it can all be incorporated into your life by the time that you end it. It is a long process, to be sure, but with these tools you can more effectively begin to face your day to day life and not fall prey to the traps anxious perfectionism represent to you.

[Zf · Rating 5 out of 5]

Wow! I think I highlighted more of this book than not. I've been in therapy over a decade and have not been able to understand perfectionism as clearly and effectively as this book lays out. If perfectionism is ruining your life, this is the book to help you heal. Lots of journal work and repetition to drive the lessons home.

[Haley · Rating 5 out of 5]

I really enjoyed this audiobook it felt like going to a therapy session lol. As someone who actively goes to a therapist for some similar things a lot of these strategies weren’t revolutionary or new to me but are helpful.

This book gives helpful strategies that can help with anxieties about perfectionism & making the wrong choices. Highlighting establishing and following values and setting goals are some other helpful strategies the book goes over.

Overall a quick read with helpful strategies.

Thank you Netgalley for this copy.

[Kari Napier · Rating 2 out of 5]

..... I just got bored with it..

[Hamid Rahnama · Rating 4 out of 5]

I really learnt a lot about perfectionism Anxiety. I hope that this book can help me to enjoy life more and more. However, as english is my second language, it wasn't an easy book. Some chaper was easier than the other ones. It was obvious that the book has been written by multiple writers. And the book doesn't have integrity in explaining things.

[Ashley Peterson · Rating 5 out of 5]

The Anxious Perfectionist by Clarissa W. Ong and Michael P. Twohig uses an acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT) approach to help readers who struggle with perfectionism. I’m a big fan of ACT, and I think it makes a great approach for perfectionism.

The book begins by exploring what perfectionism is, including the differences between adaptive and maladaptive perfectionism. While adaptive perfectionism involves pushing oneself in order to gain rewards and finding meaning in the process, maladaptive perfectionism is about self-criticism, rigid adherence to rules/expectations/standards, and focusing on outcomes, with mistakes or failures being used to determine self-worth.

The authors explain that no matter how smart you are, you can’t problem-solve your way out of thoughts and function. Rather than trying to use logic or seeking coherence (trying to come up with explanations for things), they suggest focusing on the functionality of different thoughts. Regardless of whether a thought is true or not, is it doing anything for you or helping you get where you want to be? If not, then it’s not particularly useful to focus on, even if it is true.

The book talks about acceptance as an alternative to avoidance, saying that emotional avoidance shrinks the space in which you live your life. The authors liken trying to avoid feelings as a human to trying to swim in the ocean without getting wet.

There’s a chapter on letting go of the self-labels you use and the self-stories you tell to go along with perfectionism’s rules and reasons. The book talks about how these can give rise to shoulds, and looks at how to differentiate between values and shoulds. Readers are encouraged to frame have to’s as actually being choices and then make those choices based on values rather than rules and threats.

There’s also a chapter on shifting focus from outcomes to process. Attention is described as a spotlight on your mind’s stage. Thoughts are presented as different actors vying for attention, and sometimes getting loud and obnoxious while they're at it. Trying to play director and force them into line doesn’t work, as you can’t control what they’re doing, but you can control what you shine the spotlight on. This theme of not being able to control your thoughts and emotions runs throughout the book; the focus is on what you do with those thoughts and emotions. That’s something I really like about ACT, and I think it makes a really good alternative for people who don’t like the cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) approach to trying to manage thoughts.

The book addresses self-compassion, and self-kindness is framed as a relative thing rather than an absolute based on your reasons for doing the behaviour. The authors explain that self-kindness in the context of perfectionism is often just allowing yourself to make mistakes, and they point out that “The very self-criticism for which self-kindness is an antidote keeps you from giving and receiving self-kindness.” They also suggest that you may be afraid of being nice to yourself out of fear of what might happen if you were to give up the “not good enough” narrative, which I thought was really insightful.

Goal-setting is discussed in the context of living the life you want to live, and the authors offer strategies to help with making behaviour changes. They suggest reframing your I’m too busy‘s as I’m not willing to make time to…

I thought this was a fantastic book. There’s no "just think positive" nonsense, and I liked how realistic the authors are about the limitations in what you can do to change what comes into your head. I also liked that they gave examples of their own perfectionistic tendencies. ACT is big on metaphors, and I thought the ones that the authors came up with were really effective. Overall, I was really impressed, and I highly recommend this book.


I received a reviewer copy from the publisher through Netgalley.

[Carolina · Rating 5 out of 5]

I found this book very valuable. I have worked on my perfectionism with a therapist and independently for years now. Still, this book was full of revelations and useful reminders. I made my way through the audiobook pretty quickly. I think I will listen to it for a second time or find it in print to work through the exercises. If you struggle with perfectionism, I highly recommend this one.

[Cody Northup · Rating 3 out of 5]

This is a short, quick read that serves as a good introduction to perfectionism and how to work through it using Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT).

The book brought out some different perspectives on how to look at perfectionism by creating two different types and did a decent job showing that striving for greatness can still be a positive thing if approached in a healthy way.

As a therapist who uses ACT I wasn’t expecting a full course on this modality however the book overall still did a pretty good job of introducing the main concepts on this modalities as well including: how to look at our thoughts, what to do with uncomfortable emotions, and how to live a life if value rather than achievement.

The topics seemed to jump a little too quickly but I think it still worked ok given that was probably needed in order to keep the book short.

Given all of this, if you are somebody who struggles with perfectionist thinking I would recommend this book and then possibly follow it up with some more reading on ACT or go see a counselor who uses that modality to help build the skills.

[Tyler · Rating 5 out of 5]

Wow, "The Anxious Perfectionist" really hit close to home for me. I picked up this book thinking it might offer some helpful tips, but I wasn't prepared for how accurately it would describe my own thought patterns and behaviors. As I read through the chapters, it felt like the authors, Ong and Twohig, had somehow peered into my mind. They nailed the constant self-criticism, the rigid adherence to impossibly high standards, and the way I tie my self-worth to outcomes rather than effort or growth. It was almost uncomfortable how well they understood the perfectionist mindset. The book's exploration of maladaptive perfectionism was particularly eye-opening. I realized how much of my life has been driven by an intense fear of failure and a belief that anything less than perfect is unacceptable. It made me confront the fact that I've been living in a constant state of anxiety, always striving for an unattainable ideal. What really struck a chord was the discussion on how perfectionism shrinks our lives. I recognized how much I've been avoiding certain experiences or opportunities out of fear of not meeting my own impossibly high standards. It was a harsh realization that my pursuit of perfection has actually been limiting my growth and happiness. The authors' approach using Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) offered a new perspective on dealing with these perfectionist tendencies. Instead of trying to eliminate my perfectionist thoughts (which, let's face it, never worked), they suggested focusing on the functionality of these thoughts and learning to accept their presence without letting them dictate my actions. I'll admit, some parts of the book were hard to read because they forced me to confront uncomfortable truths about myself. It hurt to realize how unnecessarily hard I've been on myself all these years. The concept of self-compassion felt almost foreign, as I've always equated self-criticism with motivation and success. Despite the initial discomfort, "The Anxious Perfectionist" ultimately left me feeling hopeful. It provided practical strategies for breaking free from the perfectionism trap and living a more flexible, values-driven life. While it's a challenging journey, the book has given me tools to start being kinder to myself and to focus on what truly matters rather than an impossible standard of perfection.

[Taylor · Rating 3 out of 5]

I am new to nonfiction, especially lifestyle and psychology genres on audiobook. I listened previously to “The Anatomy of Anxiety” as an audiobook in April of this year after its release. I enjoyed that one, which gave an intro to anxiety and different reasonable coping methods under categories of exercise, diet, sleep, and more. So I was very interested in this audiobook regarding a more specified type of anxiety that I realized early on while listening, I absolutely suffer from - maladaptive perfectionism.

What I enjoyed most about this book was the background of perfectionist-based anxiety. I could relate to it all so much and it helps to be able to explain some of what I feel psychologically on a daily basis and some reasons why. I’ve never been so seen!

However, no type of anxiety is an easy fix, especially not anxiety like this that is produced from within (internal) instead of in reaction to your environment (external), and I don’t expect to open any book and learn how to rid myself of it. This particular book focuses on “acceptance and commitment therapy” (ACT) as a way to reduce maladaptive perfectionism. This method is more reactive to the harmful internal thoughts and feelings we have instead of proactive in preventing them in the first place. While the book offers some journaling, thought, and other very specific types of coping exercises which I quite honestly will not attempt to try, the overall gist basically is taking the time to be more self-aware and assess all perspectives when facing this type of anxiety. The goal is to choose a more beneficial and positive reaction than an initial harmful one. Just being more level-headed and mindful. I will be more conscious to utilize this method, but it really is not groundbreaking information for folks with anxiety. More like common sense.

Thank you to NetGalley, Tantor Audio, and the authors for an advancer listener’s copy in exchange for an honest review!

-@tirwinreads

[Leah · Rating 5 out of 5]

Amazing! I have struggled with perfectionism all my life which has resulted in having anorexia since I was 14 and dealing with severe self-criticism, depression and anxiety all through my teenage years and still to the present day. After just completing college, I realised I needed to change something because my perfectionism couldn’t even let me enjoy graduating from the course I had dreamed of doing since I was a small child. I have tried many different therapies throughout my 22 years, but nothing stuck and I didn’t feel right or even worthy of seeing another therapist.
I saw this book online when searching for self-help books and something just seemed right about it. As soon as I started to read it, I knew it was for me. I had never felt so seen in my life. I cried multiple times because some quotes were describing everything I struggle with and accurately pointing out why (“feeling fundamentally unloveable”, check box). The way the book is written makes you feel like you’re listening to an old friend explain everything to you and feel like you aren’t alone and you will be okay. The realistic examples and easy humour make this book so easy to relate to and take in. The activities are easy to understand and explained really well and the emphasis on process and progress help to take the pressure off of doing them which is most likely the point considering perfectionism likes to make us believe we need to do everything perfectly and have the perfect outcome.
I highly recommend this book to anyone who struggles with perfectionism.

[Natalie · Rating 5 out of 5]

I found this book very accessible. The authors have condensed a lot of information and tips in 140 pages. There are prompts for journaling/reflection as well as guided exercises (audio versions of the exercises are available through the publisher's website). Ong & Twohig apply the principles of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) to perfectionism or rather to dealing with perfectionism such that it no longer runs or governs your life.

I do not consider myself a perfectionist, although I realize that I am, in this very moment thinking about how to formulate this review, deleting sentences, rewriting them, out of a diffuse fear of others finding this review "bad" (whatever that may mean). This behavior fits with what is described in the book af perfectionist. If you would not label yourself as perfectionist but a) find yourself adhering to rules (self-imposed or other-imposed) quite often and/or b) tend to to things to avoid negative consequences instead of actively seeking positive consequences (e.g. working out to avoid gaining wait vs. working out to stay healthy) this book is definitely worth a read! I also appreciated that the authors included a section on values and perfectionism - living according to your values might just turn into another set of rules thanks to perfectionism. Beware! ;)

[Cristina Elena | LaaA · Rating 5 out of 5]

“The Anxious Perfectionist” looks at the stimulators of perfectionism both from a positive (adaptive) and negative (maladaptive) viewpoint and comes up with recommendations for both situations. Depending on the reader’s relationship with perfectionism, the (audio)book can be either a light reading or one of the readings with which one will take their time. For me, it was an enjoyable reading and a reference book that I would like to go back to one day. For a scientific book, I found that, as opposed to other cases, the lack of cited works does not impact the quality of the content in the audio format. Also, a plus point are the exercises listed in the book and online materials which only increase the quality of the work.

Special thanks to NetGalley, Tantor Audio, and the editorial team for giving me the opportunity to review the ARC in audiobook format and to you, my reader, for taking the time to read this honest personal book review.

If you are interested in other of my book reviews, make sure to follow me on GoodReads!

#LifeLongLearning #TheAnxiousPerfectionist #NetGalley

[Robin]

This book peaked my interest because I thought it may help me as a small business owner who is a perfectionist. I knew my perfectionist tendencies were hurting my business in some ways, and I wanted some insight on how to help with that. The Book has questions it asks you to consider, and you’re supposed to write your thoughts down in a journal. The goal of these exercises is to see how being a perfectionist is either hurting or helping you. This book goes through so many different scenarios I didn’t know made me a perfectionist, and it was eye opening. There are many things I do that I didn’t realize were a part of me being a perfectionist; so many aspects of my thoughts and actions in daily living that were stemming from being a perfectionist. I was in shock after reading this book, but the good thing is that it gave me some perspective for why I think or behave the way I do. It gave me a new way to look at my actions, and I have already started being mindful of my actions and reactions throughout the day, in an effort to correct my perfectionist tendencies. I thought being a perfectionist was a good thing; it was something I prided myself on, something I always made sure I included on my resume and mentioned in job interviews, but now I’m learning it’s not all it’s cracked up to be and affects me deeply on a personal level.

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

Thank you New Harbinger Publications, Inc. and NetGalley for the advanced copy of this book!

[Stacy · Rating 5 out of 5]

Clarissa Ong and Michael Twohig have created this book to help perfectionists realize how their perfectionism might be creating their anxiety, how to recognize it, and how to relax the reins on needing to be perfect. Erin deWard does an excellent job narrating the audiobook version of this book.

This book felt like it was talking directly to me and came into my life at just the moment I needed it. I usually don’t go for self-help books, but this one called to me, and I can see myself rereading it again multiple times. The chapters in the book help you recognize ways perfectionism may actually hold you back, then uses Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) to help you acknowledge your thoughts yet keep them from interfering with your life. If you are a perfectionist, I highly recommend this book!

Many thanks to NetGalley for providing me an audio ARC of this book.

[Mhughessc · Rating 4 out of 5]

"The Anxious Perfectionist", by Clarissa Ong and Michael Twohig, caught my attention with just the title! As someone who would self-identify as an anxious perfectionist, I knew this book would be very helpful for me. Also, seeing a rise in anxiety and perfectionism in my students, I knew I could use the information in this book to help them as well. The authors do an excellent job of explaining the most common roots of perfectionism. I also appreciated the chapter explaining the difference between adaptive and maladaptive perfectionism, as the two are very different. Finally, I enjoyed the authors' encouragement to focus on the process and not the outcome.

I thought this book was very helpful and easy to read. I would recommend this book to anyone who is struggling with anxiety and perfectionism. Thanks to NetGalley for the ARC. All opinions are my own.