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She Is Not Your Rehab: One Man’s Journey to Healing and the Global Anti-Violence Movement He Inspired
At My Fathers Barbers, Mataio (Matt) Faafetai Malietoa Brown offers men a haircut with a difference: a safe space to be seen and heard without judgement.
From his barbershop chair, Matt has inspired a new generation of New Zealand men to break free from the cycle of abuse — and those men have in turn inspired him and his wife, Sarah, to create the global anti-violence movement, She Is Not Your Rehab.
In this raw and unflinching book Matt shares his own story and those of his clients, of surviving family violence and abuse, and how they were able to find healing and turn their lives around. He introduces the people and concepts that have helped him heal, and gives readers the tools they need to begin their own journeys.
She is Not Your Rehab demonstrates the power of vulnerability and honesty in addressing pain and shame, and shows how anyone can empower themselves by taking responsibility for their own healing.
From his barbershop chair, Matt has inspired a new generation of New Zealand men to break free from the cycle of abuse — and those men have in turn inspired him and his wife, Sarah, to create the global anti-violence movement, She Is Not Your Rehab.
In this raw and unflinching book Matt shares his own story and those of his clients, of surviving family violence and abuse, and how they were able to find healing and turn their lives around. He introduces the people and concepts that have helped him heal, and gives readers the tools they need to begin their own journeys.
She is Not Your Rehab demonstrates the power of vulnerability and honesty in addressing pain and shame, and shows how anyone can empower themselves by taking responsibility for their own healing.
320 pages, Kindle Edition
First published July 2, 2021
128 people are currently reading
1093 people want to read
About the author
Matt Brown
79 books1 followerLibrarian Note: There are several authors in the GoodReads database with this name. Those listed below have multiple books listed on GoodReads.
Matt Brown (2 spaces): Has the podcast The Matt Brown Show, experiments with ChatGPT
Matt Brown (3 spaces): GRs author of sci/fi, horror, & children’s books,
has the Compton Valance series
Matt Brown (4 spaces): German westerns
Matt Brown (5 spaces): tiny houses
Matt Brown (6 spaces): GRs author of Christian books
Matt Brown (14 spaces): GRs author of the Everything You Know About ___ Is Wrong books
Matt Brown (2 spaces): Has the podcast The Matt Brown Show, experiments with ChatGPT
Matt Brown (3 spaces): GRs author of sci/fi, horror, & children’s books,
has the Compton Valance series
Matt Brown (4 spaces): German westerns
Matt Brown (5 spaces): tiny houses
Matt Brown (6 spaces): GRs author of Christian books
Matt Brown (14 spaces): GRs author of the Everything You Know About ___ Is Wrong books
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 65 reviews
July 22, 2021
Great read. Well written and easy to relate to.
I read this as a psychologist working with male inmates and there are so many highlighted sections that I’ll be sharing with them. Kia kaha!
I read this as a psychologist working with male inmates and there are so many highlighted sections that I’ll be sharing with them. Kia kaha!
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February 3, 2024I simply cannot rate this; what an amazing person.
August 22, 2021
She Is Not Your Rehab
By Matt Brown
Having the courage to say this stops with me was a life changing statement for Mataio (Matt) Faafetai Malietoa Brown.
Brown offers the men in his barbershop a haircut with a difference- a safe space to be seen and heard without judgement. As the founder of My Fathers Barbers, Matt has inspired New Zealand men to break free from the cycle of abuse. In turn Matt and his wife Sarah have created a global anti-violence movement - She Is Not Your Rehab.
Matt is a survivor of family violence and abuse. Time and healing have helped Matt not become a statistic. Instead he is a purveyor of change. He introduces people to concepts that have helped him heal and gives readers the tools they need to begin their own journeys.
This was such an inspiring read, Matt and Sarah’s dedication in helping people demonstrates the power of vulnerability and honesty in addressing pain and shame and that anyone can change, given the opportunity.
By Matt Brown
Having the courage to say this stops with me was a life changing statement for Mataio (Matt) Faafetai Malietoa Brown.
Brown offers the men in his barbershop a haircut with a difference- a safe space to be seen and heard without judgement. As the founder of My Fathers Barbers, Matt has inspired New Zealand men to break free from the cycle of abuse. In turn Matt and his wife Sarah have created a global anti-violence movement - She Is Not Your Rehab.
Matt is a survivor of family violence and abuse. Time and healing have helped Matt not become a statistic. Instead he is a purveyor of change. He introduces people to concepts that have helped him heal and gives readers the tools they need to begin their own journeys.
This was such an inspiring read, Matt and Sarah’s dedication in helping people demonstrates the power of vulnerability and honesty in addressing pain and shame and that anyone can change, given the opportunity.
October 28, 2021
This is a very powerful book written by New Zealander Matt Brown. It is less an autobiography (although it contains autobiographical elements) and more a guide for men on how to rethink their behaviour in order to live better lives, both for themselves, and for those they love.
The main message is for men to take accountability and responsibility for their own lives, behaviours, and healing. This is where the title of the book comes from, "She is not your rehab", as in your partner in life cannot be the one to fix all your problems. You must do that yourself. Every chapter is framed as "She is not..." and talks about a topic that some men may expect of their partners, and which places an unfair burden on her.
Brown is a barber, and many of his examples of how men avoid responsibility for themselves comes from his clients in his barbershop, but he also recounts stories from his own, often harrowing, life. Although aimed at men in heterosexual relationships, the lessons in this book can be applied to anyone's relationship with their partner.
The main message is for men to take accountability and responsibility for their own lives, behaviours, and healing. This is where the title of the book comes from, "She is not your rehab", as in your partner in life cannot be the one to fix all your problems. You must do that yourself. Every chapter is framed as "She is not..." and talks about a topic that some men may expect of their partners, and which places an unfair burden on her.
Brown is a barber, and many of his examples of how men avoid responsibility for themselves comes from his clients in his barbershop, but he also recounts stories from his own, often harrowing, life. Although aimed at men in heterosexual relationships, the lessons in this book can be applied to anyone's relationship with their partner.
July 9, 2025
She is NOT your rehab, your mother, your absent father, your shame, your trauma, your saviour, your ex, your porn star, your prison, your lifeline, your hired help, your punching bag, your doormat, your competition, your bank account, your quick fix, your trophy, your grief or... your excuse.
Book: 5☆
Audiobook Narration: 4.5☆
Matt Brown expertly holds men to account for the ways they perpetuate patriarchal norms that cause harm to women whilst also being very compassionate for the ways that men are also harmed by those same patriarchal norms. He also provides excellent and practical advice for how men can work on themselves and together to break these viscious cycles of abuse. *applause*
Every man, and everyone who loves men, should read this book!
January 7, 2023
Cycles repeat until one person has the courage to say, “This stops with me” - Matt Brown
January 1, 2022
If I'm honest, I was sceptical about reading this book, thinking that it would be a 'feel sorry for me because I abuse my wife' story but it is far from that. I thought I would give it a go and then stop a couple of listens in, however ...
Mataio (Matt) Faafetai Malietoa Brown is incredibly honest about his and other men's behaviour and poor treatment of others - mainly loved ones around them. Learning through his own journey to be able to deal with his own traumatic childhood, and through his barbershop in Aotearoa, Matt listens to his customers and offers his advice to the troubled souls that come for a haircut and so much more.
I cried at the heartbreak, nodded in agreement and laughed out loud at his and Sarah's (his wife's) frank and honest advice.
She is Not Your Rehab is hard-hitting but heartfelt. Although this book is aimed at men that are abusive to their loved ones - violent and non-violent - I think women should definitely read or listen to Matt and Sarah's words of wisdom, whether you are in or have experienced an abusive relationship, or indeed if you are the abuser or have witnessed the abuse being done. This book is very much about anti-violence and our negative behaviour, so we can all learn from it.
I listened to the audiobook version - great narration from Matt and his wife. If you read one book this year - make sure it's this one. So good!
Mataio (Matt) Faafetai Malietoa Brown is incredibly honest about his and other men's behaviour and poor treatment of others - mainly loved ones around them. Learning through his own journey to be able to deal with his own traumatic childhood, and through his barbershop in Aotearoa, Matt listens to his customers and offers his advice to the troubled souls that come for a haircut and so much more.
I cried at the heartbreak, nodded in agreement and laughed out loud at his and Sarah's (his wife's) frank and honest advice.
She is Not Your Rehab is hard-hitting but heartfelt. Although this book is aimed at men that are abusive to their loved ones - violent and non-violent - I think women should definitely read or listen to Matt and Sarah's words of wisdom, whether you are in or have experienced an abusive relationship, or indeed if you are the abuser or have witnessed the abuse being done. This book is very much about anti-violence and our negative behaviour, so we can all learn from it.
I listened to the audiobook version - great narration from Matt and his wife. If you read one book this year - make sure it's this one. So good!
July 22, 2022
This book really isn’t for me. It’s for men who need to hear some hard truths from an understanding, thoughtful guy who’s made his barbershop into a kind of therapy clinic. But as a woman who’s had dysfunctional relationships in the past, this book has some great insights from the masculine point of view, and it heals my heart a little to see men talking about how they handle their emotional well-being and how they can work as equals with their partners, not use them to perform emotional labor for them.
October 17, 2021
Incredible
I would recommend this book to everyone. It is a must read for all men. As Matt said; Healed people heal people.
I would recommend this book to everyone. It is a must read for all men. As Matt said; Healed people heal people.
September 5, 2021
A very thoughtful and direct way to understanding generational trauma. Demostrates that healing is on you bro. Change is the inevitable outcome of growth. There are no quick fixes. Do the work. You have the capacity. There is a path to heal.
January 27, 2024
Faafetai lava Mataio for sharing your story.
I have struggled in my healing journey, particularly when it comes to forgiving my parents despite understanding what it must have been like for them growing up in a strict and abusive household. Unfortunately, a common cycle in polynesian communities.
Not ashamed to say I cried reading this. Especially when it came to understanding the destructive rage I held for years. Acknowledging the wounds I am yet to heal.
To my polynesian brothers and sisters who are struggling with their healing journey because you're not sure where to start, this is an excellent tool to use in your growth. I will probably be referring back to this book for years to come. Could not recommend enough 💜
All I know is that the cycle "stops with me".
I have struggled in my healing journey, particularly when it comes to forgiving my parents despite understanding what it must have been like for them growing up in a strict and abusive household. Unfortunately, a common cycle in polynesian communities.
Not ashamed to say I cried reading this. Especially when it came to understanding the destructive rage I held for years. Acknowledging the wounds I am yet to heal.
To my polynesian brothers and sisters who are struggling with their healing journey because you're not sure where to start, this is an excellent tool to use in your growth. I will probably be referring back to this book for years to come. Could not recommend enough 💜
All I know is that the cycle "stops with me".
September 9, 2022
Dnf. Not that is isn't a good book, it is. It has a powerful message and the story about Matt, his wife and the customers in the barbershop are raw and heartbreaking. The way the book is set up wasn't what I was expecting and that's okay.
March 10, 2024
Life changing and much needed words for so many. This book will find its way to everyone that needs it.
September 20, 2024
A heartfelt, sincere, straightforward, and practical book that has started a global movement to end abuse. Written by a man for men, there is however, something in this book for everyone about healthy relationships with its honest depiction of healing being messy, raw, vulnerable and taking time.
November 21, 2022
It is impossible to overstate just how important, impactful and most significantly - compassionate - this book truly is.
I am not the intended target audience for this, and I went into it hoping to find something that could reach people I myself could not - I did not expect to be as thoroughly moved and deeply affected as I was.
While it is an incredibly difficult read - one that required pauses after certain chapters - I find that it is one of the most important books I have read in a good long while.
I cannot do anything other than to recommend everyone who is considering picking it up to do so. Please .
I am not the intended target audience for this, and I went into it hoping to find something that could reach people I myself could not - I did not expect to be as thoroughly moved and deeply affected as I was.
While it is an incredibly difficult read - one that required pauses after certain chapters - I find that it is one of the most important books I have read in a good long while.
I cannot do anything other than to recommend everyone who is considering picking it up to do so. Please .
October 23, 2021
Sobering. Sobering that children go through such trauma, in unsafe homes. Sobering that a man can tackle his inner demons and forgive. Sobering that he can the reach out and help others heal.
This book might be more accessible to its intended audience in booklet form, based on each of the chapters.
This book might be more accessible to its intended audience in booklet form, based on each of the chapters.
March 26, 2022
This book is amazing, I wish all the men in my life would read this... took a star off because some of the anecdotes display a lot of anti-fat bias, which was disappointing. I hope the author can be introduced to HAES at some point in his life!
August 31, 2021
spot on - edgy straight to the point - read by the author - helps both sides heal from domestic abuse
December 28, 2024
A powerful blend of autobiography, lessons from personal experience, and genuine psychology education; She Is Not Your Rehab is the book I've wanted many other books to be.
There is a sincerity to Matt Brown's writing; it is never preachy or schmaltzy. There are passages in this book that are extremely difficult to read because of the horrific violence recalled by the author from his own childhood. There are other passages that are just as difficult to read because of the overwhelming sadness you will feel for the men Matt Brown has worked with. It is impossible to not be touched in some way by this book.
A large part of that is because the book is arranged in such a smart, effective way. Having each chapter be its own lesson is exceeding clever. It makes reading the book easy; it makes taking the lessons in easier to digest. I found myself needing to put the book down after some particularly challenging chapters, and the structure invites you to be able to take those sorts of breaks.
Matt Brown executes a difficult balancing act in the writing, and he pulls it off flawlessly. He writes about his personal experiences with candor and bravery; he is open about his own challenges but also his own flaws. He acknowledges that the work to be better is ongoing. He also writes about the experiences of the people he has worked with; sometimes to illustrate the ways men need to work to improve, but also sometimes to illuminate the ways men are already affecting a healthier masculinity. Finally, he uses a respectable amount of excerpts and lessons from psychologists and trained therapists to add weight to his anecdotal but no-less-heavy life lessons.
A fantastic book and a must-read for anyone, man or woman, who wants to see healing from toxic masculinity and generational trauma implemented.
There is a sincerity to Matt Brown's writing; it is never preachy or schmaltzy. There are passages in this book that are extremely difficult to read because of the horrific violence recalled by the author from his own childhood. There are other passages that are just as difficult to read because of the overwhelming sadness you will feel for the men Matt Brown has worked with. It is impossible to not be touched in some way by this book.
A large part of that is because the book is arranged in such a smart, effective way. Having each chapter be its own lesson is exceeding clever. It makes reading the book easy; it makes taking the lessons in easier to digest. I found myself needing to put the book down after some particularly challenging chapters, and the structure invites you to be able to take those sorts of breaks.
Matt Brown executes a difficult balancing act in the writing, and he pulls it off flawlessly. He writes about his personal experiences with candor and bravery; he is open about his own challenges but also his own flaws. He acknowledges that the work to be better is ongoing. He also writes about the experiences of the people he has worked with; sometimes to illustrate the ways men need to work to improve, but also sometimes to illuminate the ways men are already affecting a healthier masculinity. Finally, he uses a respectable amount of excerpts and lessons from psychologists and trained therapists to add weight to his anecdotal but no-less-heavy life lessons.
A fantastic book and a must-read for anyone, man or woman, who wants to see healing from toxic masculinity and generational trauma implemented.
September 28, 2025
This was an uncomfortable read. Because the stories told in this hit way too close to home on both sides. It felt like finally giving a name to something I’ve felt for a long time, something heavy, something confusing, something that makes you feel like there's a hole in your chest. He talks about pain, shame, and love in a way that doesn’t shame, but demands truth. And truth? I know it, in both forms, the one that breaks you when you’re the hurt, and the one that doesn’t let you rest when you’re the hurting.
When he talks about men who hide behind anger, silence, or pretending nothing’s wrong, I see him talking about me. The weight I carry, the stories I replay, the regrets for damage I didn’t even know I was having. And when he turns to the women, those who hold on, hoping love will be enough, those who stay, believing the promises even though broken pieces pile up, I feel that too. I see the cost of believing I could fix someone with my love. I see all the times I lost myself, hoping someone else would find themselves.
This book isn’t easy. It’s not soft. It doesn’t let you off the hook. But it’s kind. Matt’s words talk about accountability that doesn’t destroy, compassion that doesn’t excuse, and a way forward for those of us who’ve been both victim and perpetrator in cycles we didn’t even understand until now.
If you’ve ever thought that maybe love was supposed to fix everything, that maybe being kind means staying even when you’re breaking, this book is for you. It reminded me that love without boundaries still wounds, that healing starts when you stop trying to carry someone else’s weight. It gave me hope that I can be honest. Be whole. Be someone who loves without losing themselves.
When he talks about men who hide behind anger, silence, or pretending nothing’s wrong, I see him talking about me. The weight I carry, the stories I replay, the regrets for damage I didn’t even know I was having. And when he turns to the women, those who hold on, hoping love will be enough, those who stay, believing the promises even though broken pieces pile up, I feel that too. I see the cost of believing I could fix someone with my love. I see all the times I lost myself, hoping someone else would find themselves.
This book isn’t easy. It’s not soft. It doesn’t let you off the hook. But it’s kind. Matt’s words talk about accountability that doesn’t destroy, compassion that doesn’t excuse, and a way forward for those of us who’ve been both victim and perpetrator in cycles we didn’t even understand until now.
If you’ve ever thought that maybe love was supposed to fix everything, that maybe being kind means staying even when you’re breaking, this book is for you. It reminded me that love without boundaries still wounds, that healing starts when you stop trying to carry someone else’s weight. It gave me hope that I can be honest. Be whole. Be someone who loves without losing themselves.
December 28, 2025
The best book I've read on domestic and familial violence. Written by an ex victim of abuse, and aimed at the men who are perpetrators, but at healing them and getting them to seek help. The author's TED talk in Christchurch is a great introduction to the style of the book. Not preachy, informed by both experience and counselling and research. This is a rare man who has come through all the pain of his childhood and who seeks to heal and to understand how the hypermasculinity of some cultures and mores harms those who adopt it, and how to redirect the emotions which are only acceptably translated into anger by those who subscribe to the above. And thereby heal.
The intimacy of the barbers chair opens up secrets to those who might never examine their behaviour and patterns otherwise, and Matt has used his gifts and understanding to make a real difference to his clients, both at the barbershop and through the workshops he now offers widely.
I am a woman who has not experienced DV, and who is not the intended audience for this book, but I found it insightful and fascinating, and informed by the strong woman who is Matt's partner. There would be a lot of understanding to be gained by anyone affected in any way by DV.
The intimacy of the barbers chair opens up secrets to those who might never examine their behaviour and patterns otherwise, and Matt has used his gifts and understanding to make a real difference to his clients, both at the barbershop and through the workshops he now offers widely.
I am a woman who has not experienced DV, and who is not the intended audience for this book, but I found it insightful and fascinating, and informed by the strong woman who is Matt's partner. There would be a lot of understanding to be gained by anyone affected in any way by DV.
November 15, 2025
She Is Not Your Rehab by Matt Brown is a raw, powerful memoir and social manifesto that challenges men to take responsibility for their healing rather than relying on women to fix them. Drawing from his own experiences of childhood trauma and domestic violence, Brown shares how he broke cycles of harm through therapy, storytelling, and community support. His barbershop became a sanctuary for men to speak openly, dismantling toxic masculinity and redefining strength as vulnerability.
The title is a bold declaration: women are not rehabilitation centers for broken men. Brown urges readers—especially men—to confront their pain, seek help, and stop outsourcing emotional labor to their partners. He weaves cultural insight, personal reflection, and practical tools into a compelling guide for transformation.
Rooted in his Samoan heritage and the realities of intergenerational trauma, Brown’s message resonates far beyond New Zealand. It’s a call to action for anyone ready to heal, love better, and live with integrity. The book is both confronting and compassionate, offering hope without sugarcoating the work required. It’s not just a read—it’s an invitation to change.
The title is a bold declaration: women are not rehabilitation centers for broken men. Brown urges readers—especially men—to confront their pain, seek help, and stop outsourcing emotional labor to their partners. He weaves cultural insight, personal reflection, and practical tools into a compelling guide for transformation.
Rooted in his Samoan heritage and the realities of intergenerational trauma, Brown’s message resonates far beyond New Zealand. It’s a call to action for anyone ready to heal, love better, and live with integrity. The book is both confronting and compassionate, offering hope without sugarcoating the work required. It’s not just a read—it’s an invitation to change.
December 27, 2025
Great book, took lots away from it. I’m a woman and I’m not the target audience but I thought it was an interesting insight into the challenges of all the different kinds of abuse. It’s also awesome to hear Matt acknowledge and feel for those hurting and therefore hurting others but still expecting them to stand up, heal and do better.
Towards the end I found some of the stories a bit much, maybe the book was too long?
Towards the end I found some of the stories a bit much, maybe the book was too long?
June 18, 2022
Straight up, unapologetic, honest.
A book that would be as much help to both abusers and those who have been abused, it offers real insight into how people end up in situations they never thought they would, and what keeps them there. A sobering but essential read and it should be a must read for every GP in NZ.
May 15, 2023
'You can only be loved as much as you are truly known'
Perhaps the most comprehensive and profound analysis on male violence/men's issues that I've ever read. Matt Brown is a veritable guru of emotional intelligence and male self-improvement (this book practically serves as a guide for both these things). A truly extraordinary, insightful and above all--useful--read. Can't praise it enough!
Perhaps the most comprehensive and profound analysis on male violence/men's issues that I've ever read. Matt Brown is a veritable guru of emotional intelligence and male self-improvement (this book practically serves as a guide for both these things). A truly extraordinary, insightful and above all--useful--read. Can't praise it enough!
August 25, 2023
Sometimes you read a book and wish that author was in your circle, one of your people. This book!! This author!!!
Matt Brown wrote this book beautifully and with an inspiring emotional intelligence.
When books like this exist, there is hope for one day moving beyond family and gendered violence in all of its forms.
February 17, 2022
Matt's story is incredible - raw and inspiring. I listened to the audiobook, and loved the fact that Matt reading it himself made it feel like I was sitting in his barbershop. I am not the book's target audience, being female, but I found it relevant and moving anyway
July 17, 2022
An inspiring book, Matt shares his darkest moments with us as a reminder, we are not our Trauma
We can spend every day trying to be a better version of who we were yesterday, for ourselves & for those we love
A reminder that feelings aren’t a weakness, and we aren’t alone
We can spend every day trying to be a better version of who we were yesterday, for ourselves & for those we love
A reminder that feelings aren’t a weakness, and we aren’t alone
November 1, 2022
Matt wrote this book for heterosexual men. That is who he knows and who he spends his time with. In reality, though, the lessons in it apply to anyone who has experienced generational trauma and is looking to end the cycle of abuse and trauma.
December 23, 2023
What happens when a man opens up to being vulnerable? When he decides to break the circle of violence and abuse - overcoming the pain and shame. Empowering not only himself but leading a movement for healing and changing the concept of what it takes to be a real man!
Displaying 1 - 30 of 65 reviews