Love & Care

by Shaun Deeney

'An honest and thoughtful memoir about what it means to be a carer - particularly what it means to be a man who cares. Moving but, ultimately, full of hope. Beautiful.' KATE MOSSE

'A beautiful, intimate story of love and understanding - candid and funny. This is a lyrical memoir of hope and forgiveness.' RAYNOR WINN, author of The Salt Path

' A heart-warming, heart-wrenching, and beautifully humane account of loving and caring. ' NICCI GERRARD, novelist and author of What Dementia Teaches Us About Love

Shaun is determined to put the past behind him. No longer brooding on his divorce, and with his two daughters grown up, he is making a fresh start in a new country. And hoping to find love one more time. Until the sudden death of his father changes everything.

With his mother in a care home, Shaun knows he has to make a leave his mother there, or give up his new-found freedom to look after her himself in the home she once shared with his father.

Love and Care charts his first year caring for his mother who has Parkinson's dementia; a woman he loves deeply but realises he hardly knows as he tries to connect with her through music, food and everyday joys. Can he face the challenges and prove the doubters wrong? And what will the decision mean for his chances of finding love?

Writing with raw honesty and humour, Shaun reflects on his own relationships - as a son, a father, and as a man. He explores our ability to keep hope alive, to forgive and be forgiven. Along the way he learns that letting go may just be the most valuable lesson in love.

Framed by the changing seasons, Love and Care is a story of redemption, and a celebration of our capacity to love, in all its forms.

326 pages, Hardcover

Published May 20, 2021

Reviews

[Stephen · Rating 4 out of 5]

thanks to the publisher and netgalley for a free copy in return for an open and honest review

heart warming memoir of the author caring for his mother who has dementia and a journey of their shared experiences

[Lainy · Rating 3 out of 5]

Time taken to read - 3 days

Pages - 326

Publisher - Endeavor

Source - Vine

Blurb from Goodreads

Shaun is determined to put the past behind him. No longer brooding on his divorce, and with his two daughters grown up, he is making a fresh start in a new country. And hoping to find love one more time. Until the sudden death of his father changes everything.

With his mother in a care home, Shaun knows he has to make a choice: leave his mother there, or give up his new-found freedom to look after her himself in the home she once shared with his father.

Love and Care charts his first year caring for his mother who has Parkinson's dementia; a woman he loves deeply but realises he hardly knows as he tries to connect with her through music, food and everyday joys. Can he face the challenges and prove the doubters wrong? And what will the decision mean for his chances of finding love?

Writing with raw honesty and humour, Shaun reflects on his own relationships - as a son, a father, and as a man. He explores our ability to keep hope alive, to forgive and be forgiven. Along the way he learns that letting go may just be the most valuable lesson in love.

Framed by the changing seasons, Love and Care is a story of redemption, and a celebration of our capacity to love, in all its forms.




My Review

Thisis Shaun's very honest and open journey about his decision and experiences of taking care of his mother. She had been in a care home, when Sean's father passes he decided to move home and bring his mother back to where she knows. She has Parkinson's dementia, Shaun has never been a carer, everyone is a skeptic, this is his and his mother's journey.

This isn't like many of the books I have read from true story healthcare/memoir type stories, whilst it does address the caring aspect there is a lot that does not. We follow Shaun through his decision, how he goes about it and the obstacles he faces. Experiences with mum getting an infection, trying to get carers, getting the home ready however it also concentrates on Shaun. Shaun's journey, thoughts, feelings, past and present, doubts, feelings, trying to date whilst taking on his mother's care. Money worries, paperwork, his past relationship with his father and everything in between.

The book splits into the four seasons and the firsts looking after his mother. It is a very honest account, his concerns, failings, worries - it very much looks at Shaun and how much he takes on, how being a carer is a huge undertaking. Financial, emotional, physical - if you have never taken on care for another adult who has needs it opens your eyes to how much it takes from you. It is very rewarding too and Shaun details some of the battles he wins on account of his mother, her needs and what he feels is right for her.

There are some touching moments and he has done an amazing thing for his mother, bringing her back to her own home. I think this is one of the first of these books where, I felt, it is more Shaun's story than his mothers. Most of the books I have read are focused on the patient, loved one, cared for individual, it was different and interesting to see the person behind the loved/cared for one.

It is like a diary, not as in written like a diary although it is written in first person, more I mean it is an outpouring from Shaun, of his journey, the caring journey through the eyes of the carer, 3.5/5 for me.

[Sally · Rating 5 out of 5]

What is it Mum?’
“I want to go..to go..” `she says, stumbling over her words, “…home now.”

I am, after all, totally responsible for another life. A single parent to my own single parent. ‘


I hadn’t finished reading the first chapter before I was in tears. This book is my first non fiction read this year and any other one will struggle to be more to me than this. This is a reminder that all the little human stories, the day to day, deserve a spotlight and are every bit as incredible as fiction.

When Shaun’s Mum is diagnosed with Parkinsons she is initially cared for by his Father. As the family and authorities begin to understand exactly what that ‘care’ entailed, including locking her up, she is placed in a care home. Shaun witnesses the deterioration in his Mother and when his Father dies, he decides to give up everything and take his Mum home.

The author weaves in stories of his own life and his Mum’s early life into a narrative about living with his Mum - the emotional and physical practicalities of being a carer. Frequently this is Shaun’s dialogue with himself as he examines his motivation; his view of ‘care’, the impact on his own mental and physical health and his overwhelming love for his Mother. A significant moment in the book occurs when his Mother is rushed to hospital with a UTI. The experience is desperate for both of them - Shaun has to challenge procedures and his Mother returns with significant sores - the carers tell him that they have been ‘lucky’.

This is not a sad book. It is full of life and humanity, of humour and oh so much love and care. I felt totally caught up in the little world of these two human beings, I woke up looking for them..I didn’t want to put this book down. I loved watching Shaun and his Mum sitting in the garden watching the birds…

At a time when the UK social care system is at breaking point this is is a timely read. It is a reminder that ‘care’ should be at the heart; it is a reminder that every life should be rounded with kindness and compassion.

A reminder - Office of National Statistics - 678,000 people who provided 10 to 19 hours of unpaid care a week. 483,000 people who provided 20 to 34 hours of unpaid care a week. 552,000 people who provided 35 to 49 hours of unpaid care a week. 1.5 million people who provided 50 or more hours of unpaid care a week.


‘When the day is done, I lie in what was once my Father’s bed and read. If there’s no sound of wind or rain and everything is still, I feel like the only living being in the world, despite the fact that I can often hear Mum breathing heavily or snoring from down the hallway. The hollowness I feel during the day is amplified by the stillness at night.

‘I expected nothing in return, but she was lucid and clear in her response and caught me completely by surprise, yet again. “I love being outside,’ she said.’

[The Book Elf · Rating 5 out of 5]

First of all make sure that you have a box of tissues handy as I got caught out in the first few pages. This is an incredible memoir of Love & Care that I, for one, could personally relate to as we had looked after my Dad for the last few years of his life and prior to that my Mum had been in a care home, following on from a broken hip and an inability to learn to walk again, for the last six months of her life. Whilst she was in hospital and intervention care I spent every other day making round trips of 130 miles after work to take Mum banana and yoghurt smoothies and other meals of blended goodness as she couldn't eat and the hospital and intervention care just kept leaving jacket potatoes and thickened drinks in front of a woman who hadn't the strength to lift a fork.

The openness of Shaun's narrative tugs at the heartstrings from many angles ; the time spent setting up the bungalow for his Mum; proving to social services that he can do this with a care package; reconciling himself with his father's past and having forgiveness at the end ; to being so candid about how his own life was affected.

There are some humorous moments too like when Shaun "lost his Dad", which brought tears of laughter to my eyes whilst also thinking does this really happen and, on the darker side, is he sure that he was given his Dad!!!!! Another one is when Shaun thinks about the "pros- not many" and "cons - a lot" of using dating sites when he is caring for his mum, puts a light hearted side to what life is actually like when you are a full time carer wondering how to keep our own life interesting whilst meeting the needs of the person you are caring for. The following quote made me laugh whilst also pulling at my heart strings;

" This is a dating website. You're expected to go to dinner, clubs, pubs, football matches, theatres, cinemas - the list goes on. Only then do you earn cosy nights in. And these would be here, with my mother sleeping down the hallway ? With carers coming and going? Think of the logistics. Actually, don't, it doesn't bear thinking about".

Finally I think there is one really apt quote in Love & Care that really sealed the book for me ;

" I smile like Frodo, deliver magic pills and potions like Gandalf, but Gollum is always lurking in the shadows".

Visit Shaun's website www.shaundeeney.com and have a look at the photographs and further information about his family and carers as this will give you further insight into his life and the wonderful caring person Shaun is and the people he so openly writes about.

The world would be a far better place with more "Shaun's" in it.

[Petrina Binney · Rating 4 out of 5]

In this memoir, Shaun Deeney, former journalist and handyman, returns to England from France, to take his mother out of a care facility and bring her back to the family home in the wake of her husband’s death.

As Shaun moves on from his divorce and with his children grown, he embarks on the hazardous journey of caring for his mother, who has dementia. Assisted by many able carers and with friends and family regularly on the phone, Shaun relishes his time with his mother but watches in astonishment as his world becomes smaller and smaller. But there’s no one quite like one’s mother, and they’ll never have this time again.

It’s very well-written. I was worried about reading this one as I was a carer to my mother for eleven years. I was concerned that, in reading about someone else’s experience, a whole slew of painful memories and things I’d sooner not think about would come flooding back. I was wrong. Although, of course, the main thrust of the book is a man caring for his mother - it’s also a story of finding oneself in middle-age, of a man connecting with his family, both past and present, it’s a story of not giving up.

In Love and Care, we get to know the story of a very nice, very kind man, not without flaws but a generally good guy, who takes on a remarkably difficult challenge. To try to help as you watch someone you love getting sicker, getting infections, receiving treatment and being talked about as if they’re not there, is very hard going. As Mr. Deeney says:

“As a carer, or trainee carer, it’s difficult, impossible really, to express the odd combination of constant visitations and complete isolation your life comprises, with every day just like every other, with your own existence reduced to that of a functionary, a bit player, an amateur among professionals, a man among women, and a novice in a hermetic world where carers, as the name implies, simply care, their lives dedicated to the service of others.
“Still, I’m glad I tried. Nothing comes from nothing, and in trying, I may just have made a friend.
“Perhaps that’s enough.”
p123-124, Chapter Eight, Love and Care by Shaun Deeney

A very thoughtful book. Well worth a read.

[Susan Corcoran · Rating 5 out of 5]

Love and Care by Shaun Deeney is a moving and uplifting account about the author’s decision to bring his mother home and become her full time carer. It is an honest and ultimately a deeply rewarding read, in which he details how he gave up his independence to look after her, as she once cared for and protected him.

Within it’s pages he tells us not just about the hurdles he faced to bring her home, but also how the love they shared meant that he was not doing this just out of a sense of obligation. It was an act of compassion and an acknowledgment of the bonds between family. Reading of how he battled the care system to look after her, was a privilege and emotionally very challenging. For we all face this possibility and he allows us to see that it is not all about sacrifice, that he found a sense of fulfilment from his new role. That there are rewards to be gained from caring for our loved ones. That though he faced many personal challenges, the decision he made to give his mum her greatest wish, to return home, brought them closer and gave him a chance to find peace with the past.

He doesn’t gloss over the cost to himself though, his honesty was refreshing and his account all the more impactful as a result. As every carer is aware, that although they care for for family members out of love and a sense of duty, there is a real threat to their sense of self. Within the pages of Love and Care, this was a very powerful theme for me and one many will be able to identify with. Unable to leave his mother for long periods of time, he began to feel isolated and this impacted his mental health. He had to learn to find a way forward and acknowledge he couldn’t do it all on his own. His writing showing those of us at the beginning of or caring journey, that we need to look after ourselves, if we are to care for those we love, in a way that is safe and full of love.

Love and Care is a beautiful story not just about his love for his mother, but the love others had for him and her. Not just an account of the challenges they faced, but the rewards they gained. Caring is an immense act of generosity, of love and Shaun Deeney writes about it with humour and veracity.

[Agirlandabook · Rating 4 out of 5]

I’ve said it before but memoirs are one of my favourite types of books to read. Knowing it is the author’s words relaying their own experiences allows me to connect on such a deeper level.

Love and Care is the story of Shaun, divorced with two grown up daughters making a fresh start in a new country, until the sudden death of his father changes everything. He makes the decision to take his mother out of the care home she currently resides to look after her himself in the home she once shared with his father.

Within the pages he charts his first year caring for his mother who has Parkinson's dementia; a woman he loves deeply but realises he hardly knows. Can he face the challenges and prove the doubters wrong?

This book was a pleasure to read. It was honest, as well as a fascinating account of daily life as a primary carer for a loved one the author also exposes a very humble self evaluation about his life to this point. Exploring his relationships with his parents, partners, children etc and discussing his deep need to find love again.

I found his reflection of being a male carer to be enlightening. There was an overwhelming distrust in his decision that harboured on a sinister wariness that his motives where not altogether selfless. It highlighted gender stereotypes that men are unable to care, show sensitivity or display selfless behaviour without their motives being questioned.

As a mother myself I can only hope that my son loves me half as much as Shaun does his and have instilled the confidence to openly show that emotion without fear of society’s judgement.

I could easily have read another 300 pages of this book I found the narrative to be so captivating and selfishly hope that Deeney finds the time to keep writing, maybe even finish the book he’s been writing for all those years.

[Angela DT · Rating 4 out of 5]

Love and Care by Shaun Deeney
Books such as this are not ones you read for ' enjoyment ' but more so to share in the life experience of another human.
Shaun was about to embark on a new chapter in his life when his father died and his mother, already in a care home had additional needs.
Such an honest account of caring for a parent who is coming to the end of their life . It is something you never really expect to do , and when you do it , you realise it is one of the hardest jobs in the world, especially if you are living with them 24/7.
This book shows the love that Shaun had for his mother , he writes of the bone aching tiredness , yet the humour that can be found on the darkest of days.

[Ursula · Rating 3 out of 5]

What to do with mother? (with Parkinson's dementia) Shaun Deeney, against all advice, decides to look after his mother at home. He has some help from daily wonderful carers, but he still faces the constancy of responsibility for her welfare, the judgements of others, and his own 'parked' life.

The book is a very open account of mundane and less glamorous aspects of being a carer, and Shaun Deeney shares his own doubts and failings. But as a reader, you are filled with admiration: not all heroes wear capes. He has done the right thing for his mother, but has he done the wrong thing for himself?

[Stephanie · Rating 5 out of 5]

Fantastic book. Really highlights the roller coaster emotions that unpaid carers go through navigating their loved ones needs and their own hopes and dreams. Shaun writes with honesty about his difficult relationship with his father and a real love and sensitivity towards his mother. This is a gift of a book and one I definitely recommend for all carers - paid and unpaid alike.

[Pam · Rating 4 out of 5]

A very emotional read that celebrates the strong bonds between mother and son a fight for survival packed full of tips which enables the caregivers to make life easier for themselves and the loved ones they are looking after. A novel which makes the reader realise life goes quick and to live for the moment.

[Natalie · Rating 5 out of 5]

Shaun's book was quite an emotional read. This is his story of how he went against the care system and actually decided to bring his mum home to care for her after she was in a home. It's not something people do since they struggle to find the time but Shaun gave up a lot in order to care for his mum at home.

It was a very emotional read but such an inspiring story and showed a great bond between the pair, and Shaun's dedication to looking after his mum was very heart warming. A lovely read.

[Alex Pearl · Rating 4 out of 5]

Regardless of circumstance, we all rely on caring relationships to support who we are, and who we want to be over the course of a fully realised human life. We depend on the love and support of others to flourish. Unpaid family carers are essential to the functioning of society, with their contribution being valued at £132billion per year. Considerably more than is spent on the NHS.

Deeney’s autobiographical debut novel, recounts the highs, lows, loves and heartaches of his experiences caring for his mother in the later stages of her life dealing with Parkinson’s-related dementia.

This is a deeply honest memoir about the reality, challenges, joy and pain that come with caring, as well as the messiness and complexities of family life.

Much of the writing on care relationships, both academic and mainstream, comes from female perspectives with care work generally being a heavily gendered activity. Women perform the majority of care roles, both in personal and professional capacities. Deeney is acutely aware of this reality and offers a fresh and insightful perspective on life as a male carer assisting a female person. He encounters curiosity, suspicion and even hostility in response to the combination of his gender and caring role. This book hits many of my interest areas. Male caring voices are underrepresented in the literature and Shaun offers an accessible and insightful account here. Caring is a heavily demanding role socially, mentally and physically. Indeed, Carers UK report that carers face income poverty, poor health and isolation, with 64% of carers neglecting their own needs in favour of the person they support, and 81% reporting feelings of isolation. Shaun describes his experiences of these issues with openness and bravery.

As the UK population (along with many countries), continues to age, caring is a reality that touches almost every family unit. For anybody interested in an honest and open account of the reality, this is a great choice.

[Lyn Failes · Rating 4 out of 5]

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️
#LoveAndCare
Plot: “Shaun is determined to put the past behind him. No longer brooding on his divorce, and with his two daughters grown up, he is making a fresh start in a new country. And hoping to find love one more time. Until the sudden death of his father changes everything.
With his mother in a care home, Shaun knows he has to make a choice: leave his mother there, or give up his new-found freedom to look after her himself in the home she once shared with his father.
Love and Care charts his first year caring for his mother who has Parkinson's dementia; a woman he loves deeply but realises he hardly knows as he tries to connect with her through music, food and everyday joys. Can he face the challenges and prove the doubters wrong? And what will the decision mean for his chances of finding love?
Writing with raw honesty and humour, Shaun reflects on his own relationships - as a son, a father, and as a man. He explores our ability to keep hope alive, to forgive and be forgiven. Along the way he learns that letting go may just be the most valuable lesson in love.”
🥰
This book was an honest and heart wrenching account of a family and the problems they faced when their beloved mother becomes ill, with the brave Son becoming the primary full time carer.
The wonderfully written book accounts for the highs, lows and pressures of being a carer to a loved one, especially being a male!
I have nothing but the utmost respect for everything he does for his Mother, giving up his own life to care full time so that she can remain at home.
Absolutely pulls at the heartstrings and is a raw, emotional read! Loved it.

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[Sarah Benjamin · Rating 4 out of 5]

I was lucky enough to be sent an early copy of this beautiful book by its publisher.I wouldn’t usually spontaneously pick up a memoir and would probably have missed out if it were not for book Twitter
The book is an honest straightforward description of life as a carer in today’s uk ,the author describes in sometimes painful detail his decision to take his mother out of her nursing home and care for her at home after the death of his father
The description of the relationship the author had with his father particularly towards the end of his life must have been very difficult to write .Difficult relationships with family members are not often something we admit to even to our closest friends and the effect of his father’s mental illness on his mother must be something that happens more often than we know .we promise to love in sickness and health when we are young but never know how we might react if push comes to shove and we end up sole carer.
Many of us will end up spending as carers for our loved ones and the isolation and frustration this must inevitably cause is detailed so clearly in this book .I do not personally have experience in caring for an elderly relative but do know how unusual it is for the elderly to leave residential care once admitted .my indomitable grandmother discharged herself home after months in a nursing home and I knew then how unusual this was .more unusual still is for a son to be the prime carer for his mother and I was interested that he felt that his motives for doing so were looked at with caution by the institutional formal carers.
I found the book despite its potentially difficult topic a very enjoyable read the author has a clean fresh writing style and adds just the right amount of deprecating humour to balance what otherwise colourful have been a dry piece of writing .
I would recommend this book to anyone who like me is of an age when the potential to become the carer for a parent or spouse is becoming increasingly close .Many of us end up caring and to be forewarned might perhaps take away some of the terror in what ultimately is one of the ways that we show our love for family
The book shows beautifully the love and commitment that is behind each small task of caring and is a very lovely way for the author to memorialise both his parents .I think if they could both read the book that they would appreciate this and ultimately that is what really matters

[Staceywh_17 · Rating 5 out of 5]

Love & Care is such an honest, open book of emotion and the realities of caring for a parent, whilst you're own life remains on pause.

Shaun takes us through the four seasons of the first year of caring for his mother, the ups, the downs and everything in the middle.

For me it was a timely reminder that my own parents aren't getting any younger. And from my experiences of being a carer this was a situation that I have seen numerous times out in the community and it was also a similar situation we found ourselves in when my Grandmother became a victim to Dementia.

Shaun allows us glimpses into his own life and he recalls memories of his mother's life. He also talks of the complexities and challenges he faced as his mother's carer and also the impact it had on his own mental wellbeing.

Heartwarming and highly enjoyable.

Many thanks to Random Things Tours for my tour spot.

Rating ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐