The 5 Apology Languages: The Secret to Healthy Relationships

by Gary Chapman, Jennifer Thomas

“I said I was sorry! What more do you want?” Even in the best of relationships, we mess up. We say and do things we deeply regret later on. So we need to make things right. But just saying you’re sorry isn’t enough. That’s only the first step on the road to restoration. In The 5 Apology Languages , Gary Chapman, the #1 New York Times bestselling author of the 5 Love Languages ®, partners with Jennifer Thomas to help you on the journey toward restored relationships. True healing comes when you learn Don’t let hurts linger or wounds fester. Start on the path to healing today and discover how meaningful apologies can make your friendships, family, and marriage stronger than ever before.

Genres: Self Help, Nonfiction, Marriage, Relationships, Personal Development, Christian Living, Christian

208 pages, Paperback

Published January 3, 2022

About the author

Gary Demonte Chapman is an American author and radio talk show host. Chapman is most noted for his The Five Love Languages series regarding human relationships.

Reviews

[Josh Olds · Rating 5 out of 5]

Imagine a scene with two children and one child does something to the other that’s intentionally or unintentionally mean or rude. Cuts in line. Takes their toy. Shoves them. You get the idea. We’ve all been there. And we know what’s likely to happen next. An adult makes the offender apologize to the offended.

Say you’re sorry.
The offender stares daggers at the offended. Sorry.

And the adult concludes that amends have been made. We’ve done the best we can, even though the offender wasn’t sorry, the offended feels no better, and the mediator knows that nothing of substance has changed.

When we become adults, we often don’t do any better. I’m sorry you were offended, seems to be a common non-apology. Silence is another. Or verbal apologies with no change in actions or behavior. Or even a sincere “my bad” but a refusal to take responsibility for the consequences. And like it was when we were kids, we often think we can’t do any better. But the truth is, we can—if we know how.

The 5 Apology Languages uses the framework of the now-classic The Five Love Languages, breaking down our desired response to offense into five categories. Unlike some other spinoffs, The 5 Apology Languages isn’t just the love languages repackaged into a new context (though I would be interested to see if certain love languages lend themselves to certain apology languages), it’s a whole new system that talks about five different ways to apologize.

The first apology language is expressing regret. It’s about naming the problem, acknowledging it, and showing sorrow over it. In this this apology language, the offended primarily wants to know the offender understands the offense.

The second is accepting responsibility. In this apology language, the offended wants to know that the offender is going to own their mistakes or bad behavior. This goes beyond naming the problem to admitting culpability and accepting the consequences.

The third language is making restitution. Similar to taking responsibility, this apology language looks for a practical response. How can the wrong be righted?

The fourth apology language is planning to change. Chapman and Thomas note that many people are quick to apologize but slow to change their behavior. In this language, the offended want to know what steps the offender will take to avoid a repeat offense.

The fifth is requesting forgiveness. This one rounds off the languages by putting power back into the hands of the offended. It is about showing humility, understanding the need for forgiveness, and verbally asking the offended for it.

As you can see, the 5 apology languages are not exclusive to one another. Responsibility may be inherently tired to restitution. In fact, if you look at the structure of the languages, you can see how a good apology will actually incorporate all five apology languages. And that’s not just to make sure you’re heard. It’s a sequential step-by-step method of a full, robust, sincere apology. Regret leads to responsibility leads to restitution leads to change and concludes with a desire to receive forgiveness.

Chapman and Thomas also make it clear that it’s important to apologize with the other person’s primary apology language. It’s not about going through the motions or checking items off a list, it’s about communication and understanding, caring for a person in the way they prefer to be taken care of. Another great point is that one can apologize for things they didn’t mean to do. You can sincerely and genuinely apologize for unintentional offenses.

Some of the Love Languages spinoffs have been little more than The Five Love Languages repackaged. The 5 Apology Languages stands on its own separate from Chapman’s other work and offers a simple, yet profound breakdown of how to communicate apology. Filled with personal anecdotes and vignettes, the book is readable, conversational, and practical. You’re going to see yourself in this book.

And if that’s not enough, the book ends with a 5 Apology Languages test to see what language you identify with the most. Interestingly, I found myself asking differently based on relational context. What I want out of an apology from my wife might be different from what I want out of a coworker, employer, stranger, or government. With so much miscommunication in relationships, The 5 Apology Languages will be an indispensable resource in building resilient, forgiving relationships.

As an addendum, it’s worth mentioning that this is not a brand new publication, but an updated and revised edition of The Five Languages of Apology and When Sorry Isn’t Enough.

[Melissa Luna · Rating 5 out of 5]

I got this book because I was looking for insight on forgiveness. I was looking for permission to forgive myself so I could forgive anyone else.

Just get the book

[Amy Climenhage · Rating 5 out of 5]

We all know and love “love languages,” but I found “apology languages” to be even more important. This book truly transformed the way I view an apology … would highly recommend!

[Bethel Grove · Rating 4 out of 5]

In the book The Five Apology Languages, authors Gary Chapman and Jennifer Thomas help their readers understand the nature of apologies and forgiveness by breaking down what they call the “five languages of apology”. In a similar way that Gary Chapman explains the five languages of love in his best-selling book series, this author duo brings awareness to the fact that there are several different ways that someone apologizes. These five apology languages are expressing regret, accepting responsibility, making restitution, planned change, and requesting forgiveness. Through an engaging and easy-to-understand presentation, Chapman and Thomas help us see that understanding your apology languages as well as the apology languages of your loved ones will change the dynamic of practically every relationship in your life. Using many biblical principles, his exploration of apology and forgiveness is revolutionary and timely. Including a quiz to help you determine your apology languages as well as tools to help you determine your loved ones’ languages, this is a tool that everyone young and old needs to have at their disposal.

My only criticism of the book is the contents of chapter 11, in which the authors encourage the idea of self-forgiveness. I strongly disagree with this idea. This is because I believe that when a Christian is unable to forgive themselves, they are basically saying that they messed up so bad that they can’t accept Christ’s forgiveness. That is a lie that Satan desperately wants us to believe. Instead of addressing apologies to yourself, you need to address them to God and then fully believe that He has forgiven you. While spending a whole chapter talking about apologizing to yourself, they spend hardly any time discussing apologizing to God when we’ve sinned against Him. I understand that they presented this idea from the perspective of counselors, but to me, this idea is not grounded in good theology.

Aside from my disagreements about self-forgiveness, I still think this is a great book and would recommend it to practically anyone. [Would have given this 4.5 stars if it was possible] Get your copy today!

* I received a copy of this book from the publisher for the purpose of this review

[DeLaura · Rating 5 out of 5]

Very very informative. I think just like the love languages, it's important to understand how we apologize. I've realized the way I normally apologize and what I look for in an apology. And I believe this will help me in my future relationships and marriage. I think learning how to apologize the correct way is extreme important in every area of life.

[Sheri · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book kinda blew my mind. I had never heard the concept of apology languages, and it’s something I seriously need to grow in.
One thing I wish he would’ve clarified sooner was that “forgiveness” and “reconciliation” are two different things. Of course this book is about apologizing, so in these scenarios it may be a given that both parties want a renewed relationship. However, I feel like there should have been clear differentiation from the get go.
Interested to see how this knowledge changes things for me in the future.

[Anna Brown · Rating 2 out of 5]

You know how we sometimes say that a book could have been a blog post? Well, this book could have been a poster. When you boil it down the concepts behind it are really great and I've learned a lot but the book itself is all fluff. So. Many. Stories. If you struggle with the emotional baggage of other people and are highly sensitive, I would not recommend that you read this book. It made me truly feel uncomfortable and depressed.

[Aaron Mikulsky · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a Pragmatic book on HOW to Make Good and Earnest Apologies

Sincere apologies are difficult because we are likely to feel guilt and shame about the offense. Perfectionism can make even admitting a mistake excruciating. Denial may be an unconscious, self-protective habit. We are at least partly hardwired to remain unaware of our wrongdoings, and are not great for noticing how we affect the other person in our relationships. We can, however, choose to become more conscious of mental habits, like denial, impatience, and perfectionism. We must learn to muster up the courage, set aside our ego, and admit we were wrong.

Psychologists, Gary Chapman and Jennifer Thomas posit that we create harmony by adapting to the preferred communication style of our loved ones. When we speak someone’s apology language—by expressing regret, accepting responsibility, making restitution, planning change, or requesting forgiveness—they are more apt to feel sincerely acknowledged. When in doubt, we can offer an apology that draws on all the languages. Here are a few good examples from the book of ways to apologize:

“I really regret XXX. I’m sorry I caused so much pain, and I understand it will take time for you to trust me again. I hope we can get there.”
“I take full responsibility for XXX. I was wrong.”
“I am so sorry, and I would like to offer XXX to make it right.”
“I’m so sorry for what I did. It was wrong. Would you consider forgiving me?”
“When I did XXX, it was wrong, and I am truly sorry. I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me. You don’t have to answer right away.”

Also, Psychologist Molly Howes, PhD, author of A Good Apology: Four Steps to Make Things Right, describes earnest apologies as both seemingly “too hard to do, and too important not to do.”

[Karissa · Rating 1 out of 5]

overly religious

I think my main problem with the five apology languages is my same issue with the five love languages. It’s silly to think one is sufficient when all are important. In the apology examples they give in the book, they almost always include multiple (at least three) different types of apologies. All are essential so the idea of finding one that works best makes no sense. The author refers to using additional apology languages as “icing on the cake”. If they add to the apology, why would you not add all components? By the end of the book, he’s suggesting you add all five languages. So it’s more about 5 essential steps in an apology than about different apology languages.

Also, it is heavily religious which is not my cup of tea. I think the book is difficult to read as a non-Christian as it frequently quotes the bible and says you need to ask God for forgiveness/strength etc.

Also immediately gave up the book completely when the example was given of a man hitting his wife and broke her jaw. She forgave him. This is NOT something you should forgive and move past.

The book also says children who have run way from home to live on the streets, should choose to apologize to their parents. Personally, I think if the child has run away, there’s probably a strong reason. Also… they’re children. Perhaps we should be looking at the parents and not putting the onus on children. A direct quote “To be sure, those who were abused by parents needed also to receive an apology. But that was not likely to happen unless they initiated the process.” So even abused children should first apologize to their parents? Honestly what a disgusting view point.

The book also gives an example of a woman who was abused as a young girl by her father. Naturally, she apologized to him!? The author even goes on to speculate that if young men and woman learned to apologize, they wouldn’t have broken relationships, and therefore not ended up on the street. Another direct quote “Eventually, there was no one to whom they could turn, so they turned to the streets. I have often wondered how different things might have been had someone taught these men and women to apologize.” Overall, a highly self righteous and offensive book.

[Cover Lover Book Review · Rating 5 out of 5]

A 2022 Favorite!

The 5 Apology Languages may be one of my favorite books in the Language Series. Apologies are so important. The lack of them often leads to strains on a relationship, and who wants that?

For some people, apologizing is very difficult…or they do it in the wrong way. And when I say in the wrong way, I mean in the wrong language. We all give and receive apologies differently, so it’s empowering to learn how the people in my life wish to receive apologies.

EXPRESSING REGRET
ACCEPTING RESPONSIBILITY
MAKING RESTITUTION
PLANNED CHANGE
REQUESTING FORGIVENESS

I really enjoyed learning the different languages and learning my own. Once I read through each chapter, I filled out The Apology Language Profile section in the back and discovered that my apology language is OVERWHELMINGLY, Expressing Regret. There are 20 scenarios presented, and you are to choose which apology would feel the best. 15 of my answers showed expressing regret as my primary apology language, with the rest falling in the accepting responsibility category.

My profile results are eye-opening because I’ve never really thought about what I expect from an apology. I’m also prompted to discover what works best for the important people in my life!

Disclosure: #CoverLoverBookReview received a complimentary copy of this book.

#The5ApologyLanguages
#MPNews

[Jen · Rating 1 out of 5]

The entire concept encompassed in the title sounds so cool. And so I really wanted to like this book. I just ... didn't. I found the actual writing extremely annoying. Especially when the authors would switch back and forth, then tell a personal story, and had to bring the reader up to speed on who was "talking." Many of the stories themselves were just irritating as well.

And, really, the book was more about HOW to make an apology. The actual section on love languages only encompassed about eight pages in the middle of chapter four.

Also, the frequent references to god and religion were very off-putting for me. I'd anticipated a self-help book, not a sunday school lesson.

[Lyn Richards · Rating 3 out of 5]

It took me a while to get into this book and embrace the messages contained within. I read this as part of a self help book club, so we entered an indepth conversation at the end of reading this book. But I have to say overall I didnt really love it. I didnt really resonate with some of the content, primarily the emphasis on what I felt was over apologising. Perhaps it was just me and it might be my apology love language. There were some hints and tips that found useful but overall I struggled to finish the book. The primary concepts are well founded and great principles to follow.

[Cameron Wasilewsky · Rating 2 out of 5]

Very interesting book, I liked some of the examples, but as you are reading there is suddenly a reference to god or the bible! I was reading for the concepts not for a Christian lesson. Focus on the outcomes and lessons remove the religious stuff and this would be a much better book... Also half as long. And in particular the last 3rd was bad.

I like the 5 ideas of an apology though, will use those lessons

[Leslie Jonsson · Rating 5 out of 5]

Gary Chapman with his co-author writes in a clear and concise way about apologies. Using his Five love languages, he translates which love language reacts best to which apology language. This is excellent, and easy to read. If you liked his first (and extremely popular, even to this day) book "The Five Love Languages" this is for you.

[Anik Tabor · Rating 2 out of 5]

I wasn't expecting religion to be tied into this book so much, and I found that really unnecessary and disappointing.

[Jessica · Rating 5 out of 5]

Very eye-opening

[Ky Hamblin · Rating 4 out of 5]

great read!

I gave 4 stars because I am non religious and the majority of the ending of the book references organized religion a lot.

[Annette Alvarez · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book was helpful in some ways, but ultimately pretty simplistic and frankly, unrealistic. The numerous example scenarios seemed very contrived, each apology delivered and accepted with maturity and grace. If the scenarios had been framed as aspirational rather than real-life accounts, I would have been more receptive to them, but many of these rang untrue, in particular a daughter who apoligizes to her sexually abusive father for distancing herself from both parents out of hurt and anger. I found this example problematic for many reasons.
The book also comes from a Christian perspective, so the practial advice to "take painful memories to God" are unhelpful to those with a different understanding of theology. If you don't believe that you were born with orignal sin and that Jesus died so that this sin may be forgiven, the perspective and advice offered may be difficult to access and implement.
That said, I did find the descriptions of the five "apology languages" helpful in starting conversations and helping me think through what forgiveness is and is not. I would have appreciated a more nuanced and complex exploration of forgiveness.

[Helen · Rating 4 out of 5]

Interesting perspective- and in some ways very helpful. Learning that I do have a need to hear a specific type of thing for an apology to feel real for me means that I can tell those I love what that is. It also means that I can work to learn what works for others (or be sure my apologies hir all the elements now that I know what they are). However, I found the intermittent stress on Christianity and God’s requirements in relation to apologies between people to be both unnecessary and off putting. Regardless of how things work with the Christian God, or the faith, the information here is useful to everyone - Jews, Islamics, Hindus, Pagans, Atheists, etc. This book helps us rebuild rounded relationships by giving apologies that meet the needs of the specific person - regardless of Christian rules or faith. Luckily, I have learned to get past such blocks - but I know several people who might both enjoy and benefit from the book over all who would put it down and never return when they got to the religious insertions.

[Benjamin · Rating 4 out of 5]

You've heard of the 5 Love Languages? The five ways in which people tend to give and receive love and affection? Now meet the 5 apology languages. Because guess what, we don't all apologise, or receive apologies, in the same way.
So if you've ever said sorry to someone but they haven't accepted your apology, it's possible they speak a different language to you. This book shows the five different forms that apologies take - and how to identify your language. Perhaps even more importantly, it will help you identify the apologies of friends and family, allowing you to better communicate your regret in future.
The big question - does it work? For me, the jury is still out. Although I am experimenting with other ways to demonstrate my regret to others. So we'll have to wait and see whether this book really does change my life.

[Karrie · Rating 4 out of 5]

A lot of the negative reviews are complaining about the references to God and verses from the Bible. These authors are Christian, so they are going to use what the Bible teaches and what is biblical.

There wasn't necessarily anything mind-blowing in the book itself IMO, but it was overall a lot of good reminders and new information on how people receive apologies. They referenced a study that stated 75% of couples have different apology languages, so all that to say, this book does have useful information and is effective for reconciliation when actually applied.

[Rachel · Rating 5 out of 5]

Takeaways:
Forgiveness is a decision. Trust is an emotion
Trust is that emotional sense that I can relax with you and you don’t have to be suspicious. I can let down my emotional guard because you will now knowingly hurt me.

Key ideas of forgiveness are “to cover; to take away; to pardon; and to be gracious to”

Forgiveness means that you will not seek revenge, that you will not demand justice, that you will not let the offense stand between the two of you.

My primary apology language is making restitution.

[Guyveshia · Rating 1 out of 5]

I was ok with the book up until chapter 9 where they discuss a woman forgiving her husband for hitting her and breaking her jaw. They then go on to discuss a woman estranged from her family who was sexually abused by her father. The daughter apologizes first and I just feel like that’s not ok. It feels as though they are treating sexual abuse very lightly and that is very disturbing to me. I got to 80% and just couldn’t finish because of that. Physical abuse and sexual abuse are not light offenses and shouldn’t be treated as such. It really took away from the decent parts of the book.

[Megan Hudson · Rating 5 out of 5]

Everyone needs to read this book who wants healthy and whole relationships. It’s helped me to better understand and apply the art of apologies. I’ve struggled with not being able to forgive others in my life and I’ve since come to realize I can’t forgive someone who never asked for it and now I have the responsibility to go to them. This encouraged me to have the hard conversation of going to another with my offense.

[Paulie Friend · Rating 2 out of 5]

The book only illustrates the 'happy path' of apologies - and many with corny results. It lacks credibility in that it doesn't seem to take "average people" into consideration. There is information to learn here that's good. The examples just don't sound realistic. Example scenarios that are more complicated would give the book more credibility.

[Kelly Valencia-Aiken · Rating 5 out of 5]

Eye-opening!

What a wonderful book! I’m so glad I read it. I recognized instantly my own apology language, and I was able to identify the languages of those around me, as well as the reasons people fail to give an adequate apology. This was so well-written and very helpful!

[Robin Lane]

The book offered great insight into why, how and where we should apologize. Everyone makes mistakes and figuring out a way to make your way back to being in the right with that individual is important. This book helps you get there.

[reagan]

fairly basic but potentially quite helpful concept. this is one of those "self-help"y books where you read the beginning of the book and then you've basically gotten all helpful information it has to offer. one of those "could've been a blog post" books.

[Lauren Nishi · Rating 3 out of 5]

It has a lot of great personal exercises and points on conflict resolution. I feel though that some would not benefit from reading it due to the nature of some examples and how it sometimes encourages the readers to apologize when they have done nothing wrong.

[Brady · Rating 5 out of 5]

"And today, when so many conflicts are 'resolved' at the point of a gun, we must ask: What would happen if we all learned to apologize more effectively? If we learned to forgive and accept forgiveness?"