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149 pages, Kindle Edition
First published January 1, 2006
All is lost, all is over.Of course, Inyenzi ou les cafards can be classified as a memoir: Mukasonga, born in 1956, narrates in a chronological manner her life from her early childhood the southwest of Rwanda, by the Rukarara river, to the first programs against the Tutsi in 1959, her family's deportation with many other Tutsi to Nyamata, their life at the refugee camp, her time at the Lycée Notre-Dame-de-Citeaux in Kigali (at a time where only 10% of Tutsi were admitted to secondary schools), which was cut short when the Tutsi children were driven out of schools in 1973, and her exile in Burundi, which at the end was key in her escaping death, as Mukasonga started working for UNICEF there, found a French husband and moved to France in 1992, two years before the genocide.
The assassins wanted to erase even their memory but, in the school notebook that no longer leaves me, I record their names and I have for mine and all those who fell in Nyamata only this paper tomb.This book, Inyenzi ou les cafards, is their paper tomb, a literal and/or literary grave. It is a striking image, all the more powerful because it's true. After narrating the events of her life leading up to the genocide, Mukasonga than takes it upon herself to recount the lives of all the people she knew that lost their lives during these few fateful months in 1994. And even if she only remembers a couple of sentences for some people, she still commemorates them in this tomb. As a reader, you are invited to bear witness to all these lives who were so brutally cut short, all these unfilled promises and possibilities. Reading the last two chapters of her book is a chilling experience.
The soldiers demanded that President Kayibanda’s portrait be hung in every house. The missionaries made sure the image of Mary was put up beside him. We lived our lives under the twin portraits of the President who’d vowed to exterminate us and Mary who was waiting for us in heaven.
All I have of my loved ones' deaths are black holes and fragments of horror. What hurts the worst? Not knowing how they died or knowing how they were killed? The fear they felt, the cruelty they endured, sometimes it seems I now have to endure it in turn, flee it in turn. All I have left is the terrible guilt of living on amid so many dead. But what is my pain next to everything they suffered before their tormentors granted them the death that was their only escape?
Over and over, I write and rewrite their names in the blue-covered notebook, trying to prove to myself that they existed; I speak their names one by one, in the dark and the silence. I have to fix a face on each name, hang some shred of a memory. I don’t want to cry, I feel tears running down my cheeks. I close my eyes. This will be another sleepless night. I have so many dead to sit up with.
“The killers attacked the house until every last trace was wiped away. The bush has covered everything over. It’s as if we never existed. And yet my family once lived there. Humiliated, afraid, waiting day after day for what was to come, what we didn’t have a word for: genocide. And I alone preserve the memory of it. That’s why I’m writing this.”
“It was Habyarimana’s death that set off what everyone in Nyamata knew was coming, something that would be named by a word I’d never heard before: genocide. In Kinyarwanda, we would call it gutsembatsemba, a verb that means something like ‘to eradicate,’ formerly used to talk about rabid dogs or destructive animals. When I learned of the first massacres, immediately after Habayariman’s death, it was like a brief moment of deliverance: at last! Now we could stop living our lives waiting for death to come. It was there. There was no way to escape it. The Tutsis’ fated destiny would be fulfilled. A morbid satisfaction flashed through my mind: we in Nyamata had so long expected this! But how could I have conceived the depth of the horror that would overtake Rwanda? An entire people engaged in the most unthinkable crimes, against old people, women, children, babies, with a cruelty and ferocity so inhuman that even today the killers feel no remorse.”
“Wounded, Jeanne falls to the ground. Her belly is sliced open. The fetus is ripped out. They beat her with the fetus. Nana [her youngest child] is at her side. The killers go on their way, leaving Nana there with her. And then someone, and I will never know who that someone is, asks a dying Jeanne, as she lies in a pool of her own blood, what he can do for her. ‘You can’t do anything for me, but if you can do something, take Nana with you.”
nothing remains of all that now. the killers attacked the house until every last trace was wiped away. the bush has covered everything over. it's as if we never existed. and yet my family once lived there. humiliated, afraid, waiting day after day for what was to come, what we didn't have a word for: genocide. and i alone preserve the memory of it. that's why i'm writing this.a devastating, often excruciating memoir about ethnic violence and the rwandan genocide, scholastique mukasonga's first book, cockroaches (inyenzi ou les cafards), bravely recounts her coming-of-age in the decades preceding the mass slaughter of her fellow tutsis. mukasonga, author of our lady of the nile (an award-winning novel set in advance of the genocide), confronts both her own past and the legacy of these horrific crimes. spanning nearly a half-century of her life, cockroaches recalls her childhood, education, and emigration from rwanda. thirty-seven members of the author's family (including her mother, father, siblings [and their many children]) were murdered, part of a death toll estimated to range between 750,000 to 1,000,000+ men, women, and children.
where are they? somewhere deep in the anonymous crowd of the genocide's victims. a million of them, their lives stolen, their names lost. what's the point of counting up our dead again and again? from the thousand hills of rwanda, a million shades answer my call.despite its grave, gruesome subject, mukasonga's memoir is punctuated by moments of levity, as she recalls instances of happier (however fleeting) moments from her youth. cockroaches is a personal tale, a historic account, a lament, a dirge, and, perhaps most importantly, an individual reckoning of grief, sorrow, and unspeakable loss. cockroaches is, at times, unbearably harrowing, but mukasonga's commitment to veracity and remembrance have turned an impossibly dark chapter in her own (and her nation's) history into a vital, crucial work of autobiography.
all i have of my loved ones' deaths are black holes and fragments of horror. what hurts the worst? not knowing how they died or knowing how they were killed? the fear they felt, the cruelty they endured, sometimes it seems i now have to endure it in turn, flee it in turn. all i have left is the terrible guilt of living on amid so many dead. but what is my pain next to everything they suffered before their tormentors granted them the death that was their only escape?