10 Rules for Resilience: Mental Toughness for Families – Parenting Principles for Raising Confident, Resilient Children

by Joe De Sena, Lara Pence

10 principles for leading your family to True Resilience, from the bestselling author of Spartan Up and the CEO/founder of Spartan Joe De Sena has spent his life running toward challenge and discomfort. Why? Because how we react to challenging situations defines us and our families. The only tools we have as humans to survive the many peaks and valleys of a full life are preparedness, health, leadership, and most importantly, resilience. Why do so many parents struggle to finish things we start, delay gratification, and protect our health—and why do our kids continue to struggle in every facet of life? Because we haven’t showed them a path to resilience, and we haven’t fought for it ourselves.   In 10 Rules for Resilience  Joe De Sena outlines his 10 principles for leading your family to True Resilience, a term he uses for a body and mind that have been carved out of hard work, challenge, and failure. It takes True Resilience to approach overwhelming situations with calm and confidence, to not get rattled, anxious, or angry, and even to embrace failure, setbacks, and redirections.

Genres: Parenting, Self Help, Nonfiction, Audiobook, Psychology, Leadership, Personal Development

272 pages, Paperback

Published October 4, 2022

About the author

JOE DE SENA is a cofounder of Spartan Race, which began as an obstacle race based on the extreme spirit of the legendary Death Race, and has become a multi-million dollar global lifestyle company in less than 10 years. It was voted Outside magazine’s Best Obstacle Race. In one year’s time he competed in the Raid International Ukatak in Canada; the IditaSport in Alaska; the Odyssey Adventure Race and the OAR Beast of the East, both in Virginia; the Raid the North Extreme in Newfoundland, the Adrenaline Rush in Ireland and the Discovery Channel World Championships in Switzerland. He resides in Vermont with his family. For more information, please visit www.spartanupthebook.com.

Reviews

[Brian Johnson · Rating 5 out of 5]

If you are looking for ways to cultivate more resilience within YOUR family you’ll want to read this book.

“The headlines about kids struggling with everything from obesity to mental illness to addictions angers me. According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, one in five American kids is obese. Fifteen percent of college students are taking antidepressants. The kids are not alright. But the kids are not the root of the problem; they’re the victims of indulgent, spoiled, mindless, soft parenting and a society that would rather spend money selling them vaping tools and video games than making PE a priority in schools. And it’s the kids who suffer the consequences. Parents have been complicit with our society’s corporatized, commodified laziness (gaming chairs, baby iPad cases ... it’s all BS).

We can—and must—create a tougher generation, starting with our own kids, starting with ourselves. We have to stop discussing issues, writing blogs, and joining more PTA subgroups, and we have to start taking real action. And that action begins with us—the parents. We can’t expect our children to be healthy and resilient humans if we aren’t. The incredible, important, and unrelenting job of being a parent isn’t best accomplished by following a checklist of how-tos. It’s by living and breathing the kind of human that you want your child to be, and then parenting and leading from that same position. …

As we have witnessed through the pandemic, courage and healthy conditioning are about all that we can count on. But I promise you, with some hard-won lessons, inviting some healthy failure and turning losses into life lessons, you can prepare yourself and your kids for anything. You can transform yourself from child to warrior, and you can help the people around you do the same. You can start by making your bed and throwing down some burpees. Stop blaming the screens and start showing up and choosing the hard thing. Don’t know how? Well, that’s the point of this book.”

~ Joe De Sena from 10 Rules for Resilience

Joe De Sena is the founder of Spartan and one of my favorite human beings on the planet.

This is the fourth note we’ve created on one of his great books. We started with Spartan Up! That book got me into Spartan Races. It also got me into burpees! I’ve done a hundred burpees basically every.single.day since shortly after reading that book. And... Now that I think about it, that means I must be approaching around 250,000 burpees.

(Oh, how I wish we had the Heroic app back then so I could have kept track!! I’ve hit my set of “11 burpees” Target over 1.5 thousand times over the last 115 days. We’ve gotta have a burpee leader board when we launch Heroic Social. :)

After Spartan Up!, we featured Spartan Fit then we featured The Spartan Way. When Joe told me he was creating a book on mental toughness for FAMILIES, I knew it would be awesome.

If you love Joe’s unapologetically intense, no nonsense style and are looking for ways to cultivate more resilience within YOUR family, I think you’ll love this book as much as I did.

I’ve gotta say that the lines about PE in schools and creating a tougher generation makes me think of a video Joe recently texted me about John F. Kennedy’s vision for a healthy America. Check it out and imagine a nation of kids looking and showing up like THAT!

(Seriously. Take 5 minutes and watch that video. It’s incredibly inspiring.)

Some of my favorite big ideas from this book include:
1. True Resilience - The 10 rules.
2. Resilience Data Points - Aka Hero Bars.
3. Your Heroic Protocol - Identities -> Virtues -> Behaviors.
4. Self-Discipline - To make our mark on the world.
5. Respect Fear as Normal - Then do what needs to be done.

P.S. I’ve added 10 Rules for Resilience by Joe De Sena to my collection of Philosopher’s Notes--distilling the Big Ideas into 6-page PDF and 20-minute MP3s on 600+ of the BEST self-development books ever. You can get access to all of those plus a TON more over at https://heroic.us.

[Kimball · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book can be summed up by Tony Perkins, "Parents! You're the cause of all my-their problems!"


Notes:


When you diminish exposure to that which is strenuous, you become incapable of handling that which is tough.

Your own doubts and fears will become the biggest obstacles you'll encounter.

Are you going to let it break your resolve or will you keep going whatever it takes until you've earned it?

Self esteem comes from the struggle it takes to improve enough to win, whatever winning means to you.

I like how his wife is in tune with what motivate their kids. I hope me and HQCH will be able to do that.

To be a model for someone you have to be in their line of sight.

More is caught than taught -Dave Ramsey. Kids see what you do better than hear what you say.

You don't need to rev a Ferrari. Be humble.

Some of the most challenging obstacles that any of us have to face are our own feelings.

When faced with a decision remember the acronym brain. What are the benefits of doing this what are the risks of doing this, what are the alternatives and the benefits and risks of each, what is my instinct, and what if I do nothing?

And here are active steps you can do to combat fear with the acronym B.R.A.I.N:
Breathe, recognize, armor yourself, imagine a win, and take the next best step forward.

Sometimes for kids, fear and excitement can feel very similar. Try this three question fear setting to help you or your kids when they feel anxious. 1) what could go wrong to find the problem? 2) How can I prevent that problem from happening (figure out actions to take). 3) if it ends up going wrong anyway how can I fix the problem?

Never personalize a problem. "We're not weak on the left side we just need to work harder." - Coach Boone

A lot of the successful figures in life that he has met grew up wrestling. Make your kids wrestle.

[Helen · Rating 4 out of 5]

A great book for parents on how they can help their child be resilient. He encourages parents to allow children to take risks (rather than put limitations on your children that you may have of yourself), have them struggle rather than do everything for them, and have children persevere when they are afraid rather than allowing them to quit when things get tough or when they are afraid.
Below are some jot notes I took from the book that I found interesting and important:
Teach children delayed gratification and hard work (e.g., have them earn the toy rather than just give it to them). Teach children gratitude and not greed. Be consistent with children by not caving in. As an adult be kind since kindness breeds kindness. Live the values you believe in. Failure is okay and is a part of learning. You need to change a fixed mindset (fixed ideas, self-imposed limitations) to a growth mindset. Have routines in the family and model what you want your children to do (financial responsibility, emotional responsibility, good lifestyle choices, apologize, etc.). Discipline breeds responsibility (children need discipline and boundaries)
Most important lessons shared with the author: always choose hard when you have a choice between hard and easy, nothing in life is easy, respect powerful and dangerous things but don't fear them, always be polite to the receptionist at a job interview, we create our greatest griefs, you can't get better by practising against someone who is worse than you, keep doing the right thing regardless what others do.

[Romeo · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great book with a lot of good ideas about what can be done to raise more resilient children. Also shows you how to become more resilient because of you can't live it you probably are going to do a horrible job of teaching it.

[Joshua Southard · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is not your normal parenting book. The author is the founder of Spartan Death Races, so he has a different perspective than most humans and parents. Here are the ten rules:
Rule 1: You can’t, until you can- Build a better belief system.
Rule 2: Earned, not given - The power of hard work and delayed gratification.
Rule 3: Commit to no bull$hit - Eliminate the excess and excuses.
Rule 4: Live your values - Find your true north and communicate it.
Rule 5: Fail forward - Learn to embrace falling in the mud.
Rule 6: Dedicate to a daily routine - How schedules lead to success.
Rule 7: Discipline breeds responsibility - The impact of integrity.
Rule 8: Into the wild- Find joy in exercise and resist devices.
Rule 9: Raw courage- Getting a grip on fear.
Rule 10: Ready for anything- Have grit, change the world.

Before you can teach your kids the rules, you have to chase them yourself. The thing is, these are tough rules. Listening to this book triggered some shame and some guilt, and some reevaluating my life choices. I quit reading it for a bit while I processed some of it. Most of us (including me) are addicted to comfort, sugar, and safety. We pick the easy way. We avoid discomfort. We have all the excuses. But that’s not what we are made for. We are made to do crazy hard things. We are made to move. We are made to build and create. We are made for more.

This book has already challenged me. It changed my mind. It reminded me that I’m dangerous. It gave me permission to do weird stuff that challenges me. It challenged me to challenge my kids. It prompted me to take a walk in the rain (then the lightning got aggressive and Aubrey rescued me). I’m teaching my kids some of these lessons now.

At the end of the book, Joe lists these 12 Challenge Questions:
1. What am I doing for my kids that they could be doing for themselves?
2. When my children are experiencing difficult emotions, how can I take a step back and let them experience those emotions?
3. What should I say no to the next time my kids push for it?
4. What do I want my kids to see me doing?
5. What one rule do I want to enforce on a daily basis?
6. What is one mature behavior I can demand from my children?
7. What fears, from ticks to a fear of heights, am I discussing in front of my children, and how can I talk about it in a way that is productive?
8. What would be an exciting and slightly scary challenge for my kids?
9. What outdoor game or activity would be fun to play with my children?
10. What natural wonder would I like to take my kids to experience?
11. What must my children accomplish before they get screen time?
12. What is something I am good at that I’ve always wanted to teach my children?

Have you ever done an obstacle course race? How do you feel about burpees? When was the last time you got really muddy? One other challenge in the book that I am pondering is this: Do something new every week.

This is for anyone looking for a good motivational kick in the shin.
(Rated R (language), Score 9/10, audiobook read by the author, 7:03)

[Jeremy Clark · Rating 5 out of 5]

Excellent book! A must read for all parents.

[Sonal Keyal · Rating 5 out of 5]

If there's one book that millennial parents should read, it’s this one. I borrowed it from the library and was so impressed that I bought my own copy midway through. This book deserves a place in every home. It echoes the values my father instilled in us as we were growing up, which he referred to as being 'rough and tough.' However, applying these principles isn't easy, especially when dealing with little ones who seem like delicate angels. Inconveniencing them can feel painful.

This book takes parents on a journey, explaining the importance of mental and physical toughness and, crucially, how to model these traits for our children. It offers practical, actionable advice rather than empty platitudes. The book is grounded in real-life examples and practical wisdom.

For instance, he shares about how he likes to wake the kids up at 5 a.m. on random weekends, takes them for a walk along the beach, and then kayaking to witness the sunrise. While the early wake-up call may have been unpopular, these experiences later became some of their fondest childhood memories.

Additionally, the book emphasizes the importance of having children contribute to household responsibilities to prevent them from growing up entitled. It also advocates for the principle of earning rather than receiving things for free, adapting this approach to their age and capabilities. The book is packed with so many more concepts. Worth it's weight in gold! 🥇

[Nola McDowell · Rating 5 out of 5]

When I read the title of the book on the bookshelf in Dymocks I thought, "I want some of that - resilience", and bought the book. That was in Nov 21. I started a new exercise routine (post COVID) about 6 weeks ago, picked up the book and started reading it. From the first page to the last there are great inspirational messages. Joe writes in a way that is engaging, and I like that he challenges the reader to really think about the importance of taking personal responsibility, developing great habits, challenging ourselves and much more. Great tips for parents on how to get active, and get their kids active as well. If you've lost your MOJO, or just want a good read about developing some good routines in your life, and the life of your family, I recommend getting a copy and reading this book. I loved it.

[Carl Sheppard · Rating 4 out of 5]

I think this is a well written book that is much needed in todays world. He has a very straightforward and no nonsense approach to his rules, where I times I asked myself if he was being “to hard”. I can’t answer that question because I’m torn in my answer. He not only gives 10 rules but he also gives ideas with each rule for implementation of said rule. I rated it 4 stars due to language that’s peppered throughout the book. I believe you can write a great book without the use of explicit language as well as my unanswered question above. Either way though it’s worth reading for sure.

[Tyler E Toone · Rating 5 out of 5]

So Amazing!

This book is so timely! It’s helping me evaluate my parenting, and it’s giving me so many good ideas on how I can improve as a parent. Joe likes to use some colorful language, but this didn’t detract from the purpose of the boom. It is showing me how I can help my kids become more resilient. It is motivating for me personally and I can already see ways to help my family. This is one book I will go back to often.

[Brian Schulz · Rating 5 out of 5]

I can't recommend this book enough to any parent that recognizes that we as people and parents as well as our children could learn the value of being physically, mentally, and emotionally resilient. This book offers a lot of good insight into achieving that goal. There are ideas in every chapter designed to get you and your kids out of your comfort zones and into building up your tolerance for the real, hard things in life as well as how to be stronger on the other side of discomfort.

[Aubrée Hawks · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is the BEST book I’ve read this whole year.

If you’re a parent, or a parent-to-be and you want to know how you can actually make a difference as a parent or even an individual, read this book.

I feel like everything taught in this book resonated so much with me and has given me great insight on how I can become a better human and future parent to my family.

10/10. Could not say anything more positive about this book.

[Rachel · Rating 5 out of 5]

Everyone, especially those with kids should read this book. It will motivate and encourage you to make the changes needed that keep you and your kids stuck in the soul destroying rut that most Americans have somehow found comfort in. This is the wakeup call that Amererica needs, not for the physical health (but that, too), but for the mental health crisis we are living out daily without even realizing it.

[Robert Sutherland · Rating 3 out of 5]

The founder of the Spartan race has published a good set of guidelines for raising resilient kids. A quarter is tired quotes and rehashed studies (if I hear about the marshmallow study one more time...); a third is common sense that no longer appears common; the rest is inspiration and a call to action. I liked it and would love to see how kids react if their parents implement these resilience protocols.

[Phil Sconzert · Rating 3 out of 5]

I liked the rules Joe laid out and the reasoning but the storytelling was lacking with far too simple of examples that typically resulted in an over the top recommendation from Joe. Wasn’t interesting to read but again the rules of resilience are beneficial and a good start to creating grit within your children.

[John Pennington · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great book on Mental Toughness and parenting

This is the parenting book we need on how to raise children into great adults. It motivated me to be more resilient myself and there plenty of specific examples on how to raise more resilient children. I’m implementing plenty of new practices for my kids immediately!

[Blake A · Rating 4 out of 5]

Motivating!

Pure motivation. Nothing groundbreaking, but discipline, effort, and resilience never are. They are just doing the hard things. This book will help! I especially liked the family applications in the back of each chapter. Lots to chew on and apply to my family.

[Melissa]

Just What I Needed

I needed to be reminded of my own grit and resilience, and that fear is useful. This relatively quick and definitely enjoyable read provided that and more. De Sena has seen it all and has great stories to underscore his helpful guidance.

[Jenael · Rating 3 out of 5]

I didn't think I will enjoy this, and to be honest I didn't enjoy it too much when I was reading it. But in hindsight, it was pretty interesting just for the fact that Joe's parenting strategies are pretty unusual and heavily based on his principles.

[Krista Hubley · Rating 5 out of 5]

THIS is the book I needed in my life. One of the best I’ve ever read! I would recommend to anyone in my life.

[Peter Stillings · Rating 4 out of 5]

Mega

[Patricia Elkin · Rating 5 out of 5]

Excellent book, highly useful for self-development but would be great for parents trying to raise children in this world.

[Joanie · Rating 4 out of 5]

Solid food for thought, written clearly with helpful suggestions to put resilience recommendations into action.

[Nici Akey · Rating 5 out of 5]

Amazing read. I will read this one again!

[Ashley Evans · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great book. Our kids are more capable then we give credit. This book gave me many ideas and helped me give my kids more than I have before.

[Karina · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is a great reminder of our abilities to do whatever we want to achieve. The rules apply to every individual, not only to families. I would highly recommend it!

[Rebecca Epperson · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great read for parents or those evolved with kids!

[Mark McDonald · Rating 5 out of 5]

I don't normally enjoy macho, military based motivation for fitness, but this was a huge exception. It's got that flavor, but it's really values-based life fitness for your family. Great read

[Carl Sweeting · Rating 5 out of 5]

Bit late for me this book but the best book on raising kids out there. Imagine a society of people raised on these principles. It would be a true master race.

[Jen Hohl · Rating 3 out of 5]

Not ground breaking, but good reminders and validation for why I do what I do. But I am a Spartan so obviously in line with Joe's way of life.