The Good Enough Parent: How to Raise Contented, Interesting and Resilient Children

by The School of Life

Raising a child to be an authentic and mentally robust adult is one of life’s great challenges. It is also, fortunately, not a matter of luck. There are many things to understand about how children’s minds operate and what they need from those who look after them so they can develop into the best version of themselves.

The Good Enough Parent is a compendium of lessons, including ideas on how to say 'no' to a child one adores, how to look beneath the surface of 'bad' behaviour to work out what might really be going on, how to encourage a child to be genuinely kind, how to encourage open self expression, and how to handle the moods and gloom of adolescence.

Importantly, this is a book that knows that perfection is not required – and could indeed be unhelpful, because a key job of any parent is to induct a child gently into the imperfect nature of everything. Written in a tone that is encouraging, wry and soaked in years of experience, The Good Enough Parent is an intelligent guide to raising a child who will one day look back on their childhood with just the right mixture of gratitude, humour and love.

Genres: Parenting, Nonfiction, Family, Psychology, Philosophy, Audiobook, Self Help

192 pages, Hardcover

Published September 9, 2021

About the author

The School of Life is a global organisation helping people lead more fulfilled lives.

We believe that the journey to finding fulfilment begins with self-knowledge. It is only when we have a sense of who we really are that we can make reliable decisions, particularly around love and work.

Sadly, tools and techniques for developing self-knowledge and finding fulfilment are hard to find – they’re not taught in schools, in universities, or in workplaces. Too many of us go through life without ever really understanding what’s going on in the recesses of our minds.

That’s why we created The School of Life; a resource for helping us understand ourselves, for improving our relationships, our careers and our social lives - as well as for helping us find calm and get more out of our leisure hours. We do this through films, workshops, books and gifts - as well as through a warm and supportive community.

Reviews

[Hind H. · Rating 4 out of 5]

“It is important to be merely good enough parents. Perfect parents would create particular headaches for children; they would set a standard besides which they would always feel like failures. Flawed but kind parents do their children an enormous service: they prepare them for the world as it is. With love, goodwill and plenty of mistakes, they ready them for the only life they are ever likely to lead: one that is deeply imperfect but good enough.”

[Marysya Rudska · Rating 5 out of 5]

Це найліпша книжка про баткьівство, яку я читала. Тут немає порад, інструкцій і всього такого, але я гарний зважений філософський погляд на батьківство. Ми всі помиляємося і будемо помилятися, головне - любов і доброта. Перечитуватиму!

[Stefan Bruun · Rating 4 out of 5]

A surprisingly practical book. As a first time dad, I've gone through a large stack of books on parenting and I liked the practical approach in this book.

Not only does it cover a lot of topics, but the points aren't extended beyond what is necessary. Most topics are covered in just a few pages - perfect for the time span available with a newborn!

[Fatima Mohamady.. · Rating 5 out of 5]

من أجمل قراءات العام والسلسلة بشكل مفاجئ جداً..

[Ahmad Moshrif · Rating 4 out of 5]

The school of life keeps impressing me with their thoughtful books and ideas. This book is another example. Being just a good enough parent will be more than enough for your kids.

[Jenny · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is one of those books that everyone should read before becoming parents.
The third book I read from The school of life this year and I've yet to be disappointed.
This is not going to be a coherent or particularly helpful review...
It's one of those books that if I ever end up becoming a parent, I will come back to. It's a little treasure, particularly for those of us who had a bit more challenging childhoods and would like to understand more about that and consequently ourselves (and ideally, not repeat the same mistakes).

[Olya Nestor · Rating 5 out of 5]

Ця книжка має стати популярнішою. Я би її описала як «стоїцизм для батьків».
Дуже людяна, глибока, філософська, оптимістична.

[Alice · Rating 1 out of 5]

I am a little confused as to the purpose of this book. I work in academia so I expected gentle parenting advice grounded in research and theory. This feels more like a book of maxims and/or parenting lessons learned from someone's journal. There is no citing or referring of any kind. Though the author does draw in historical comparisons, they are generalized statements that are not rooted in any kind of citation or truth.

I appreciate what this book was trying to achieve but writing a book that feels like a tumblr version of Wikipedia does not really fit in our digital age where good parenting advice is at our fingertips. Try again.

[Rahul Mehndiratta · Rating 5 out of 5]

I usually don't write reviews coz I'm quite lazy. However this is such a fantastic book that I had to. Reading this book felt like a therapy session. It is full of counter intuitive truths. I kept feeling the aha moments pretty much in every chapter. All chapters are very concise 5-6 pages. There's hardly any fluff in this book. If I could, I would underline every word in this book. I would need to buy this book and keep picking up atleast once every year.

[Mercer Smith · Rating 5 out of 5]

Perhaps the most helpful parenting book I’ve read in that it addresses the abundant concerns and anxieties that we have as parents, rather than all the things we need to be doing better to soothe them in our children. I felt seen, gently guided, and appropriately delighted by some of the anecdotes. Example: comparing children to followers of Dionysus and adults to those of Apollo.

[Khue Dinh · Rating 5 out of 5]

The good enough book.

[Gustavo Souza · Rating 5 out of 5]

A very good read for parents of kids of all ages. Happy I spotted it at a friend’s tabletop.

“[something] parents forget is that feelings, especially difficult feelings, invariably weaken when they’ve been aired. Feelings get less strong, not stronger, as soon as they’ve been recognised. We scream when no one has listened, not when they have listened amply with care.”

Chapters 5 and 17 are gold!

[Becki Sims · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was a fascinating read.

It was really interesting to read about child development and what little ones need to develop well.

It made me think about my own parenting style and identify strengths and weaknesses. A definite recommendation from me.

Many thanks to the author, publisher and NetGalley for gifting me this arc in exchange for an honest, unbiased review.

[Jodie Sanheim · Rating 5 out of 5]

A great book for parents or a parent-to-be! Short chapters that go over some of the anxieties you may experience as a parent and that it’s not about being the perfect parent, but being there for your child. “The task is not to tell children that they are amazing; it is to model for them how one might live a decent, self-accepting, humour-filled and confident life knowing one is very imperfect – but fortunately, so is everyone else.”

[Phùng Đức thịnh · Rating 5 out of 5]

Viết hay xuất sắc.
Sẽ còn phải đọc đi đọc lại sau này nữa. Một lần với cuốn này là chưa đủ.

[Baiba · Rating 4 out of 5]

Good enough book about parenting that covers 19 important aspects. Realistic, compassionate but rather depressing. Loved the references to art and culture. My favorite and most relatable chapters were:
🎒 Lessons in Melancholy
🎒 Lessons in Sweetness
🎒 Lessons in Resilience
🎒 Lessons in Limitations

Will take a short break from the School of Life books now to gain different perspectives.

[Nadz · Rating 4 out of 5]

I listened to the audiobook wherein the writing sounds posh and proper but actually is quite sarcastic and funny. Honestly felt like a therapy session. 4⭐️

“With love, goodwill and plenty of mistakes, they ready them for the only life they are ever likely to lead: one that is deeply imperfect but good enough”.

[Rob · Rating 4 out of 5]

I enjoyed this series of essays as a philosophical yet practical primer on the relationships a parent should have with their children - but I suppose the real review will come after putting it into practice

[Ana Isabel Lage Ferreira · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was my first "School of Life" book.
I've been coveting them for quite a while but unfortunately only after the brexit and resisted ordering them online to avoid the extra taxes. But then the Universe in its infinite wisdom sent me me someone that brought a few from the Amsterdam branch :)

I don't exactly remember how I found "School of Life", but I know that I "met" Alain de Botton before I discovered this project he built with some friends. Since at least 4 years now I am a regular reader, watcher, listener, thinker of many of the materials they produce: videos, articles, interviews, lectures...

I first heard of this The Good Enough Parent: How to Raise Contented, Interesting and Resilient Children in a podcast interview with Alain de Botton. There he defended the idea that the pressure that parents face nowadays is enormous and we all (parents and non parents) expect that they do almost the impossible - to always be a good parent.

This book was written following the premise of Winnicott (an English psychoanalyst from the mid-20th-century). According to him parents were not always good, but they were "good enough" and that was already quite an achievement.

Reading this book will give you access to 19 lessons on parenting.
Being an avid searcher and reader on these topics (I own a couple of dozens of books on this subject) I found this one as the least patronizing, the least fantasized, the most honest and grounded book from all the ones I've read.

Is there any downside? I think so.
The language is not easily accessible. Sometimes I felt like the references were too narrow and too specific for a well educated, highly differentiated, and culturally aware public. And not all of us belong that that group.
Although somehow we could idealize that all could understand these lessons as they are so simple and obvious, maybe that is not exactly the case.

My favorite parts:

In a better arranged world, a sizeable share of the population, perhaps the majority, would remain child-free. They would find life without offspring both challenging and rewarding enough. When they occasionally felt a desire for a child, they would be afforded plenty of opportunities to spend time with one for a while. Just as national museums have prevented most of us from needing to own masterpieces personally, so too might we spend an afternoon with a small treasure owned by someone else - mitigating any pressure or inclination to go and get one of our own.

My favorite lesson was the 17th "Lessons in Resilience"
We think, by following a path of optimism, that we are making our child resilient and preparing them for a sometimes rough world. (...)
We do our children an injustice when we guess that they can only bear happiness. Like all humans, they are wired for catastrophe. The most loving and realistic thing is not to pretend that fearsome events don't befall us; they may, and they can destroy what we value along the way. The key move when we are scared is to stay with our fears long enough to probe what the dreadful things can really do to us an analyse matters to the point where we can perceive that we could endure what appeared disastrous from afar.

[Nathan · Rating 4 out of 5]

A great resource for parents-to-be, or ones with numerous kids. There's a quick-reference-guide feel to this book that doesn't give it a laborious or tedious read; to the contrary, it's something you'll likely complete in a couple of days or less, which, I say, makes it ripe for multiple read-throughs.

Addressing several areas of subject matter like a child's crying, melancholy, and aggression, you're given advice on how to approach, what to consider, possible ramifications of improperly managing poor behavior + positive outcomes of properly managing it, and allowed grace in knowing that you don't have to be perfect all of the while.

One good thing about reading parenting books is that there's no law that says that you have to implement what you're taking in--you can even piece-meal from it, if that's what works for your household--and a great feature of TGEP, which is basically in the title, is that overdoing it/helicopter-parenting it isn't helping anyone out. There's an emphasis here in respecting a child in their own area, frequent prompts to remember what it was like to be a child yourself, and to not sweat the small stuff.

There were a few spots within where I had to respectfully disagree with the author, and it wasn't that I disagreed *entirely*, but just felt that certain situations had to be handled case-by-case, or that what was being discussed was more of a gray area. It's not a new phenomenon for when I'm reading a parenting book, though, and maybe not for whoever's reading this, either. I'll never write a book about raising a kid, and so I dare not imagine the difficulties of communicating such advice. It didn't hamper my enjoyment of this work, but I wanted to be clear and honest in this review.

Of all of the parenting books I've had the pleasure of reading so far, this ranks high among them, and I'd absolutely recommend it to an aspiring or soon-to-be mom and dad. It does a great job at soothing a parent who might be worried about their competency level, and The School of Life has packaged together a work that's quite unique and versatile.

Many thanks to NetGalley and The School of Life for the advance read.

[Amanda · Rating 5 out of 5]

I really liked this book and all the advice it gave. It reinforces the idea that there is no such thing as a perfect parent and trying to be one is futile.

Favorite quote:
"It is important to be merely good enough parents. Perfect parents would create particular headaches for children; they would set a standard besides which they would always feel like failures. Flawed but kind parents do their children an enormous service: they prepare them for the world as it is. With love, goodwill and plenty of mistakes, they ready them for the only life they are ever likely to lead: one that is deeply imperfect but good enough."

Thank you to Netgalley for the advance reader copy. All opinions are my own.

[Jorge Delgado-Ron · Rating 5 out of 5]

Quintessential

I often go after books that reference specific studies to make sure I am not being lied to. This book was different, it reads as a conversation with a very wise man. It makes you go back to your own childhood and reflect upon who you are. You know the book is right not because of controlled randomized studies but because you went through that. In a way, it was so refreshing, useful, and, as a parent, very needed. I am sincerely grateful I found the School of Life.

[Simon Howard · Rating 3 out of 5]

Some highlighted passages:

—

Sanity has a lot of room in it for madness, so, when considered with sufficient imagination, it can be quite normal for us to be so angry with people that we think of wanting to kill them, or that we can adore someone and at the same time wish they could go into the bin. Listening is about having the inner confidence to allow a child to be a bit weird, a bit contrary, a bit frustrating and a bit lost; all of these belong to health and ordinary development.

—

We scream when no one has listened, not when they have listened amply with care.

—

A good childhood is not a cheery one; it is one where a young person is allowed to feel real, which is a far greater and more useful achievement. This might mean that one regularly has a chance to have a good cry and lose all hope. Or that one can sit and look at the rain fall and be deeply regretful and bleak. Or that one can refuse to put one’s hands together and clap, given that Mummy won’t be back for another five hours.

—

Put another way, the happiest families are those that know how to be melancholy when the situation demands it. Melancholy is not rage or bitterness; it is a noble species of sadness that arises when we are open to the fact that life is inherently difficult for everyone and that suffering and disappointment are at the heart of all experience. Melancholy springs from a rightful awareness of the tragic structure of our lives. We can, in melancholy states, understand without fury or sentimentality that understanding other people is hard, that loneliness is universal and that every life has its measure of shame and sorrow.

—

The dominant cheery tone of many familial relationships falsely presumes that the best way to please others is to present ourselves in a vibrant mood, when in fact, admission of our despair, and of the number of moments when we wonder if it can really be worth it, are key tools in the process of kindness properly reimagined. The jollying parent is driven by a compulsion to impose a mood that has no basis in reality. The jollier doesn’t just want the child to be happy; they can’t tolerate the idea that it might be sad, so unexplored, unresolved and potentially overwhelming are their own feelings of disappointment.

—

One way to conceive of the task of being a parent is that it is essentially concerned with having to break bad news. The job is to let a child down, systematically and steadily, as to the nature of reality; to move them from a belief in their own boundlessness and unlimited authority and the capacity of the world to honour their every desire, to the point where they can accept a range of limitations and appalling compromises, including the fact that they are going to die. To be a good parent is to be a kindly shepherd to the tragic facts of existence.

[Andy · Rating 5 out of 5]

The Good Enough Parent by The School of Life is a powerful and concise exploration of what it means to raise emotionally healthy children with sprinkles of dark humour throughout. The book’s philosophy is grounded in realistic, psychologically aware parenting with the core message being that instead of striving for perfection, embrace the idea of being “good enough,” which happens to be exactly what children need to thrive anyway!

Here are some of my favourite concepts and quotes:

The book encourages parents to see beyond surface-level behaviors:
"Most so-called bad behaviour on the part of children isn't that at all. It is an unhelpful but understandable response to not being heard for what they have not yet been able to say clearly or diplomatically."
This reframes “naughtiness” as early, clumsy attempts at communication, showing compassion as key to effective parenting.

It tackles the myth of boosting children's confidence through empty praise, suggesting a more grounded approach:
"To appease a child's terror that they might be stupid, rather than telling them that they are brilliant, one should let them know a far more cheering and believable idea: that they have foolish sides, but so has everyone else."
Thus, honesty and reassurance about shared human flaws builds true resilience.

The book encourages openness about emotional struggles:
"It is a huge source of relief to children to grow up in a family where issues are discussed with as little embarrassment as a sore back or a headache... Far from creating a child who will be fussy or susceptible, one will be modelling how to maintain a self-aware, relaxed, undefensive relationship to psychological difficulties."

The book also encourages parents to gently guide their children through the tougher truths of life:
"One way to conceive of the task of being a parent is that it is essentially concerned with having to break bad news...including the fact that they are going to die. To be a good parent is to be a kindly shepherd to the tragic facts of existence." 🙃

But the ultimate wisdom of the book is its emphasis on emotional realism:
"It is important to be merely good enough parents. Perfect parents would create particular headaches for children; they would set a standard besides which they would always feel like failures."

This message brings enormous comfort to parents trying to do their best in an imperfect world. It brought immense comfort to me and it was a joy and quick read; I couldn’t recommend it highly enough.

[Anniek · Rating 4 out of 5]

Next time someone asks me about my parenting style I can just hand them this book.

So this book is divided into sections highlighting different life lessons in parenting (lessons in play, discipline, manners, melancholy, listening etc) and opens with a rather grim introduction stating maybe the majority of us shouldn't become parents at all (hard agree). Parenting can be grueling, takes up a bunch of your time and patience and let's be honest, is super frustrating at times. The book is honest and, to my joy, treats children like the people they are, capable of thought and nuance. It stresses the importance of making space for both difficult and joyous emotions and being open about our own struggles in life. So that children can see that yes, we are all stumbling through life making mistakes.

The author (Bol.com attributes the work to Alain de Botton) includes a lot of references to works of arts, different philosophies and parenting in the past. The language is colorful, gripping and often very humorous. My only critique is that some times sweeping generalisations are made when some nuance would've made for a stronger argument and that some chapters remain frustratingly vague (for instance when it talks of not hiding terrible truths from your children and not refuting their fears, but you can't very well say to them: yes, your nightmare about burglars is accurate, someone could come into the house and murder us in our sleep). It's in this moments that you notice the book is less of a HOW-TO guide and more of like the start of a conversation, a nudge to get you thinking about your own practices.

Thought provoking read.

[Y.S. Stephen · Rating 5 out of 5]

The Good Enough Parent explains what parents do to sabotage their children and what can be done to mitigate that. This is a book that wants to help parents reconnect with what childhood feels like and how regaining that sort of perspective can help their children.


THINGS I LOVE IN THIS BOOK
The author does not beat the parents over or claim to hold any particular secret knowledge. All we are being exhorted to do here is to understand what being a child feels like as well as develop an understanding of our own person as a parent.

DISLIKES
None.

WHO THIS IS FOR
The Good Enough Parent is for any parents who feel that their personality flaws are getting in the way of going a decent enough job. It is also for those trying to get better at what is seemingly one of the hardest jobs in the world.

Many thanks to The School Of Life for providing a review copy.

[Tarsila Krüse · Rating 5 out of 5]

Having already read The School of Life, I was enticed to give The Good Enough Parent a chance, and it did not disappoint.

This short book contains insightful yet gentle 'lessons' on the wide spectre present in parenting.

It starts with the naked and true premise that not every person can make for a good parent, though it embraces those that want to do so. It aims to give overall guidance and reflections with direct and clear comments (occasionally showcasing art pieces to present specific ideas), which lead the reader to understand what a good enough parent is.

This is a small treasure of a book to be revisited every time a parenting qualm occurs, whether on listening to each other, dealing with siblings or going through the teenage years; this book will comfort and reassure parents while gently nudging them into recognising their shortcomings and making necessary changes.

It is a highly recommended read for any person with children in their lives.

[Beth · Rating 5 out of 5]

Thank you to NetGalley and The School of Life for the opportunity to read and review this ARC.
#NetGalley #SchoolofLife #TheGoodEnoughParent

I don’t typically like to read parenting books, with a few exceptions. I liked how this book’s goal is not perfection…or even striving for perfection. Because perfection is unattainable both for the parent and the child, it’s pointless to stress about it. I really liked the practicality presented here. It addresses a lot of the concerns we have as parents but doesn’t inundate with too much information. It also has a quick reference guide. Finally, I found it readable and not presented in the dry way that is featured in a lot of parenting and self help books. I would recommend this to both seasoned and first time parents.

[Zen Jayne · Rating 5 out of 5]

“To raise confident children is not to tell them how wonderful they are but showing them we all could be an idiot sometimes.”

This book shows the principles behind patenting on various aspects with some new refreshing perspectives. Sometimes we do need to be taken a step back and re-examine our anxiety of being a perfect parents and not to simply eradicate all the “negativity” such as crying, mistakes, frustrations. These imperfections are merely preparing our children for an authentic world ahead.

Also I particularly love the reference of Cornelius who shows us that being a parent is not just about responsibility but also an honour for boundless joy.

[Candice · Rating 5 out of 5]

A fantastic read for parents who are prone to perfectionism in all aspects of their lives. This book brings you back to reality and even gave me some incredible insight into my own perfectionism in other aspects of my life.

The book itself is very concise, each chapter gets to the point which I appreciate. It’s also not a step by step instruction but more so what the ‘good enough’ parent would be, so you are able to interpret it in your own way.

A great read to take the pressure off being a perfect parent, and emphasises being good enough prepares your child for this imperfect world we live in.