The One You Want to Marry [And Other Identities I've Had]

by Sophie Santos

A hilarious and heartfelt memoir about finding your true voice by Sophie Santos, the fearless comic and host of The Lesbian Agenda.

From the self-proclaimed Queen of the Stunted Late Bloomers and one of the most exciting emerging voices in comedy comes an honestly funny memoir about the awkward, cringeworthy, hilarious, and longest possible journey of coming of age and into her own.

The only child of a perpetually transferring Filipino-Spanish US Army officer and a spitfire nurse, Sophie Santos spent her early years starting over again and again—and accumulating her fair share of anxieties. Growing up in 99.6 percent white communities, where girls had to learn to flash Vaseline-capped smiles before they’d be considered real women, Sophie adapted. Determined to fit in, she transformed from a tomboy misfit into a hormone-crazed beauty pageant contestant and a southern sorority girl, among other personalities. She nailed each role she took on, not shockingly, but nothing seemed to fit her true self.

In her twenties, floundering and locked in her bedroom with lesbian YouTube clips playing on repeat, Sophie began to understand that her true self might be more tomboy misfit than southern belle. That realization set her off on a journey that led her through an unexpected lesbian puberty and eventually toward a New York comedy career.

Genres: Memoir, Nonfiction, Humor, LGBT, Biography, Autobiography, Biography Memoir

369 pages, Kindle Edition

First published January 1, 2021

About the author

Sophie Santos is a comedian, writer, and actor based in Brooklyn, NY.

Reviews

[Kristi Lamont · Rating 3 out of 5]

First and foremost, let's give Sophie Santos -- who spent part of her adolescence in Arab, Alabama, a big ol' Roll Tide for writing a book! And for surviving Ae-rabb! (Yes, my high school played them in football. Yes, we won. And, yes, that's how it's really pronounced.) You go, girl!

Now, that said, this book is _not_ what I was expecting going into it. Probably because I'm a middle-aged straight white woman who is not up to speed on all the latest in television comedy.

But it was one of the options for the free Kindle read for the month of September, and I needed something humorous after living in the rain and dark (the latter both literally and figuratively) the past few days. I mean, I've been watching mind-bending weird horror movies from the all eras, the strangeness that is Gerry (Matt Damon and Casey Affleck), and the entertaining yet utterly bizarre A Fantastic Fear of Everything with Simon Pegg (which I do plan to watch again, and again, and perhaps yet again and again.....and then yet again....). And then there's Hurricane Ida, and Afghanistan, and the ongoing pandemic......

So, even though I didn't join at sorority at The University of Alabama -- I didn't even go through Rush -- I thought it would be interesting to get a read on how things were when this younger person experienced coming to campus about 20 years ago. And it was. [For example, when I was a freshman, in 1984, there was absolutely no such thing as an integrated Greek organization. At. All. So, super-big change right there.]

And I do so love this sister of my heart for her concurrent willingness to be both "other" and wanting to fit in, and for unapologetically loving Alabama football and Coach Nick Saban. I was telling a friend just recently that back in the day I _had_ to pick between being a Little Sister to a fraternity and a reporter for the student newspaper. I wanted to do both. In the end, after both organizations told me I had to pick, I decided to throw my lot in with the ink-stained wretches.

Anyway, back to Ms Santos: We cult members have to stick together.

So, I wish I could give The One You Want to Marry 3.5 stars, because she is a good writer. But the raunch factor was a little high for me, and I felt like she was somehow not telling herself the truth about her emotional pain, instead serving it up as comedic fodder for the enjoyment of strangers.

Not that I would know anything about that myself, no.....now why would you think that? Hmm?

In short, a good lesbian-coming-of-age story, a little too juvenile in tone for me. But I'm about 98.9 percent sure there's some young person in Arab, or Cullman, or Oneonta, or Pritchard, or wherever, that needs Sophie Santos in their life.

And I'm so awfully glad she's there for them.

A FTR PS
For the record, I think Ms Santos got it _completely_ wrong when it came to writing about department stores in Alabama. Maybe because she didn't spend her formative years here?

Anyway, Parisian (may it rest in peace) used to be the top store, then Dillard's and Belk were comparable, and JC Penney was way, way on down the list. And bless her heart (in the good way), she never even got to experience the magic that was Gayfers. [Also FTR: Belk acquired Parisian; Dillard's acquired Gayfer's. And more's the pity.]

There, I feel better now.

[Hope · Rating 4 out of 5]

Writing a review because there are so many random reviews on here and FULL DISCLOSURE - Sophie Santos is my friend. I am the friend from college who lovingly and somewhat annoyingly called her weird, reminded her of classes, and told her to stop lying on the floor. Hello. I haven’t really changed, but I can say that Sophie has. For the better.
A lot of these reviews are like “who is this person?” “Why does she get to write a book?” “If she’s not famous why should I care?” Because QUITE FRANKLY this is a book to remind all the sweet little closeted or very out LGBTQ youth and adults that you don’t have to be famous to have valid, life affirming, slightly traumatic, cringey experiences to still be worthy of love, respect, and help if you need it.
Also not only famous people are allowed to write books about their life. Honestly, GoodReads reviewers, I expected better.
While at times it felt rambling and overly-descriptive to the point of excess - I’d like to say that that is just who Sophie is. Even if I didn’t know her, I’d read this and be like “Wow, I feel like this girl talks EXACTLY like this.” And I would be correct.
So thank you, Sophie, for showing the world exactly what it’s like to be inside your brain. Hopefully there are some who can be better for it.

[Danika at The Lesbrary]

I have to admit, I almost stopped reading this in the first chapter because of the secondhand embarrassment factor. That same impulse that nearly made me put down the book for good also kept me completely enthralled, peeking through my fingers (metaphorically) to read the next page, unable to look away.

We follow her through many of these reinventions, from a kid who dressed like a Backstreet Boy and kissed her best friend (as often as possible) “just for fun” to a pageant hopeful to sorority sister looking for an “MRS” to an in denial lesbian who paused mid-cunnilingus to say “I’m not gay” to the host of a show called The Lesbian Agenda.

I hope that young readers who feel like they’re doing it wrong, who are embarrassed about how long it took them to come out, or who are struggling to find stability in their adult identities find this book. It reassures readers that even when the road is bumpy getting there, you can still find happiness and fulfillment.

Full review at the Lesbrary.

[Amanda Smith · Rating 2 out of 5]

Honest but needs editing

Sophie takes us on a journey about how she grew into the woman she is today. The book was ok, some of the jokes were funny, but I find the book to be long. I find myself skipping over sections that didn't add anything to the book, mainly details on small towns, people at school, haircuts and clothing styles. I really appreciate Sophie sharing her journey coming out of the closet. Those recaps were great and I think could be helpful to many people on their indentation journey. Chapter 25 takes guts and your honesty is appreciated! What happened to Sophie's dad? I feel that their relationship lessened over the years and it was never explained, if more time was spend anywhere, that would be a good place.

[Katrina · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.5 stars

I didn’t know who Sophie Santos was when I picked up this book but it was free in Amazon first reads and I’ve been enjoying comedy memoirs so thought I’d give it a go. Like many of the others I’ve read it discussed serious topics in a light hearted way which was eye opening without being too heavy of a read. The main theme of the book was her sexuality, and the signs that she was gay from an early age even though she didn’t realise it herself until she was older. I think the messages in this book are really important for other young girls who are unsure of their sexuality but also those struggling with mental health, unsettled by moving so much, and those questioning where they fit in. Easy to read and enjoyable

[Lindsay Rees · Rating 3 out of 5]

I struggle because I was present for part of the middle and high school years. There is a lot of the content that I know to be true, and I praise her courage for sharing those events. Unfortunately, there are also portions describing concrete events that simply did not happen. The author, by virtue of time and trauma, may have misremembered as opposed to intentionally misrepresented these facts, but if an event was important enough to make your memoir, it definitely should have happened. Because of that perspective, I wondered how wide of a brush was used to paint the truth throughout the other portions. She definitely lends a unique perspective to handling her cultural identity crisis. Either way, congrats of the publication of this memoir. It’s definitely a noteworthy accomplishment you can write about in a follow up installment discussing your next 30 years of life.

[Vale · Rating 1 out of 5]

I originally rated this a 2.5, but every time I think back on it I'm just.. ugh.
I'm... not sure why the manager encouraged her to write a memoir. This book was available through first reads on Kindle, and I thought it might be vaguely interesting, so here I am.
I think if this had been intended to be more of a queer coming of age story than a "here's this "famous" person you've never heard of and their origin story" type deal, it would have felt more.. purposeful. I enjoyed the beginning. But it seemed like as the book progressed, she became more determined to market herself as completely insufferable under the guise that it was somehow cute and quirky. For a comedian, I'm impressed the author was able to go 300+ pages without being funny at all.
If the book had stopped around the 30% mark and had an ending slapped on it, it would have vastly improved my rating. Maybe I just don't get it.

[Monica · Rating 2 out of 5]

I've never DNF-ed a book 90% in, but I just got so damn bored! This started as a 4-star read and steadily went down from there (insert lesbian joke here?).

[Shauna · Rating 3 out of 5]

For a book written by a comedian it just wasn’t very funny. It wasn’t terrible and I did find parts of it interesting, but not funny.

[Sharlyn · Rating 1 out of 5]

Boring. I kept trying to push my way through but after 7 weeks finally gave up and quit the book 40% through.

[Richard Propes · Rating 3 out of 5]

In advance of its October release, Sophie Santos's "The One You Want to Marry (And Other Identities I've had): A Memoir" was available as an Amazon First Read. It was a great opportunity to check out an up-and-coming comedy writer who is probably best known as the host of "The Lesbian Agenda."

A lesbian herself, easily the key focus of the book, Santos shares with equal parts heart and humor her childhood experiences from growing up with a military father to a move to Arab, Alabama to fumbling toward female friendships and secretly held crushes at church camp.

I wanted to love "The One You Want to Marry," a well-intended semi-memoir that struggles to, rather ironically, find its voice amidst Santos's obvious efforts to be both honest and funny. The funny often works, the honest occasionally works, but mostly "The One You Want to Marry" feels an awful lot like a series of comedy sound bytes in search of a meaningful punch line of sorts.

"The One You Want to Marry" isn't a bad book. Far from it. It's simply not the book it could have been if Santos had laid off "the act" and shown up a little more transparently and with more of a literary roadmap. A good editor should have helped direct this journey, however, the editing of "The One You Want to Marry" is seriously lacking. In fact, I'd lay more of the issues with "The One You Want to Marry" on the editing than the writing.

The truth is that there are moments in "The One You Want to Marry" that are absolutely brilliant. I adored Santos's early family stories and her relationship with her mother is compelling material.

There was so much potential in the church material to create meaningful stories for those also struggling to find their voice, however, Santos largely squanders the opportunity with to create truly meaningful comedy here. You can tell that these experiences were meaningful for Santos, however, she fails to connect them and settles for comedy without any sense of purpose.

The same felt true for those college years. This was seemingly the time when Santos really began openly living into her identity as a lesbian in ways both profoundly sweet and a little brutal. Chapter 25 is a brutally honest chapter of "The One You Want to Marry" and I tip my hat to Santos for including it. It includes much of that transparency that I believe will be meaningful for her readers - yet, quite honestly, it's also surprisingly funny.

The last few chapters of "The One You Want to Marry" feel rushed. It's as if someone realized "Hey, I've got a 400-page book and no one actually knows who I am. Maybe I should end this thing."

Um, yeah.

At times toward the end, "The One You Want to Marry" feels like one of those movies you watch that has multiple false endings. It's as if there was more to say, yet Santos also knew she had to end somewhere. Indeed, there's so much inspirational to be found in Santos's journey from fumbling college student to increasingly successful college writer finding herself amongst lesbian voices and lesbian techsters who embraced her like she'd not yet learned to embrace herself. This section of "The One You Want to Marry" was easily among the most profound and emotionally resonant of the book.

Sophie Santos is an up-and-coming comedy writer and, indeed, "The One You Want to Marry" often feels like it comes from a writer still discovering her voice and learning how to use it. While "The One You Want to Marry" never quite becomes the brilliant work I'd hoped it would be it's still a valuable and enjoyable read for anyone coming-of-age and especially those doing so as LGBTQ youth or in environments where they're struggling to be themselves in a world that doesn't quite understand or accept.

[Spider B Perry · Rating 3 out of 5]

It's okay? I guess?

I got this as an Amazon free book with Prime. The book really needed a heavy editing pass. Multiple times I found myself asking 'what is the point of this?' or having to reread a section bc it didn't make sense. The jury isn't still out on a subject of you know the answer one way or the other!

There are good bones to this book, but it's not good memoir. It's just things vaguely happening in sequence. And ... like... it gets really uncomfortable reading about someone telling you how unkind and controlling their grandmother is as if we're supposed to think the way she's describing her gramma is cute or sweet or admirable.

This is a rare entry on my DNF list. I made it about 15% of the way into the book before I lost my patience with the meandering stories and unnerving descriptions of a family that reads as uncomfortably close to abusive at times.

Hopefully they'll get a solid editing pass and re-release it.

[Alex Carroll · Rating 2 out of 5]

It was an easy read, but there just wasn't anything that notable about it? I'd never heard of her, but good on her for her career thus far. I don't quite understand why a publishing house thought a memoir from her was that important. I feel bad saying that but it felt too long in some parts and too rushed at the end to really explain why this is a book in the first place.

[Debra Shipers · Rating 3 out of 5]

A bit too lengthy and not as funny as I thought it would be. Interesting insight into ‘Bama sorority life and the lesbian life.

[Diane Morris · Rating 3 out of 5]

I think the publishers need to re-evaluate their definition of “humorous”. This book was so not funny I could barely finish it. I’m a librarian and I wouldn’t put this in my library.

[Kelly · Rating 2 out of 5]

The first half of the book was enjoyable and had funny parts. Then it just seemed to drag on. It’s like the editor quit. I almost didn’t finish it and ended up skimming the last 60 pages or so.

[Victoria Horn · Rating 4 out of 5]

So f**cking hilarious. And so important. God, I love Sophie Santos and her brand of confessional humor, and I can relate SO MUCH to so many of her experiences and references and revelations. I was literally cackling to myself like a weirdo and exclaiming out loud in the dead of night, “Mmmm! Yes!!! That is so true!” and that is all I ask for in a memoir. It was honestly such a cathartic read, and I devoured the first 3/4 of it in a few days, then my mental health took a nosedive and I stopped reading altogether, but! I finally finished it in one sitting after picking it back up! Definitely recommending my library to purchase it for our collection <3

[Lauren · Rating 5 out of 5]

I have never heard of Sophie until I was browsing Kindle books and the title made me laugh, little did I know I was about to stumble into a world of (Sophie’s) self discovery. She’s hilariously raw and funny, ah, I later learned she’s a comedian. I loved it.

[Stanjay Daniels · Rating 3 out of 5]

This was a book I found on Kindle Unlimited. I hadn't heard of Sophie but wanted to read her story. She had some funny stories; however, I'm not sure it needed to be as long as it was. There were definitely some parts of the book that could have been left out. It was just fluff and didn't really add any value to the story, in my opinion. I always chuckle when young folks write a memoir. I mean, have you lived long enough and have had enough experience for a memoir? Maybe.

[Tara · Rating 1 out of 5]

Wretched. Thank god it was free. Is it a coming of age story? Is it about this woman’s comedy career? Is it making a statement about lesbianism? Maybe all of the above. But none of them well.

And she’s not funny.

[Hess · Rating 2 out of 5]

I felt unaccountably sad after reading this. Ms. Santos' humour is frequently unkind (both towards herself and others) and I don't think I know the "real" Ms. Santos any better after reading this book than I did before I started.

Douglas Murray recently wrote that Western society has begun treating homosexuality as an "end state". In other words, a destination that people arrive at after having their "aha" moment and finding themselves, rending all that came before as "the discovery phase". This book wields Birkenstocks, beanies and American Football to legitimise that narrative and frankly it's BS.

-begin rant -

First, there's the implicit bi erasure - if we as a society insist on treating homo and heterosexuality as biologically determined end states, then by extension bisexuality can't be more than a phase. This is incredibly messed up.

Secondly, there seems to be this tacit acceptance out there that gay rights are only defensible if the gays "can't help it". How about instead we argue that two mutually consenting adults have a right to structure their encounters on the terms that work for them, irrespective of their social designation? This internalised homophobia has got to stop. We should not be forced to justify our sexual choices on the basis of our genitals. I am meeting WAY too many baby queers out there who are anxious that their 'license' is going to get revoked because they like different kinds of sex with different kinds of people.

- end rant -

Anyway, back to the book. Despite the fact that Ms. Santos and I are clearly very different people (I thought the ex who liked plant morphology sounded awesome) she grew on me towards the end. Her unflinching depiction of her mental health journey, her drive to succeed, her loyalty towards her loved ones, her contributions to the LGBT community and the scene with the frog were all points I admired. Yep, she was an asshole in Chapter 25 - but then most of us were relationship assholes at some point in our lives. You do you, Ms. Santos.

[Petrina Binney · Rating 3 out of 5]

It’s always a bit strange reading the autobiography of a person you don’t know. Not that I’m total gal pals with Anjelica Huston, but I feel like I already had an idea of her and her career before I started reading the second instalment of her memoirs. Where, with Sophie Santos, a young, funny, musical artiste, I couldn’t have picked her out of a lineup before I read this book.

In The One You Want To Marry (And Other Identities I’ve Had), Sophie tells us the story of her life, from military kid growing up in boys’ clothes, through early sexual exploration, ignorance of self, embrace of self, right the way through to grown-up, degree-having, podcast-hosting lesbian. Her honesty is, in some ways, bracing. There are things in the book I can’t imagine she’d want close friends or neighbours reading. But, by turns amusing and real, we get a very clear portrait of the young woman of today.

When reading a book about a real person, they generally have to have lived heroic lives, be celebrated on a global scale, or have interesting stories of history as they watched it unfold, to keep the reader engaged. Otherwise, it seems like everybody’s life story could be the basis for a book. I suppose some people get around this by fictionalising their lives; using the basic reality of all that happened, but transporting it to another time and place. I get the feeling, had that happened in this instance, it might have made a better narrative. Perhaps that seems a little harsh. It just felt, to me, like it could have been so much more.

[Michelle Boyer · Rating 3 out of 5]

I made it about 50% through the Audible version and, while certain parts made me chuckle, and other parts made me reflect, decided that this just 'was not for me' -- it may be for a lot of other people, but I just found that I wasn't always connecting to Sophie Santos or her story. I also wondered why she'd chosen to highlight certain aspects of her journey but then barely touched upon others. I do admit I have no idea who Sophie Santos is; I pick up a ton of memoirs from people that I do not know and 'get to know them' through their writing so this isn't something new for me. However, I was excited about the lesbian sexuality we were going to encounter on this journey. In some areas, I wish there was more depth though, as turning everything into a joke made me wonder if Sophie still has a few scars and emotional snags that could have been discussed and expressed more deeply.

I just truly wish there was more here. And I'll also admit, because it was written by a comedian I thought that it was going to be funnier -- I know, bad assumption on my part. But I did expect something different in terms of storytelling and comedy. I didn't mind that but the narrative did change directions pretty quickly in the first few chapters. (And, also of note, I feel as if some of the things we get to read about suddenly... did not happen? This baffled me a bit and around this time I finally just decided this was going to be a did-not-finish book and set it down).

In short: It is not for me, but likely is for a lot of other people.

[Arianna Fajardo-Vieira · Rating 2 out of 5]

I really wanted to like this one, but it just didn’t land. The tone leaned too hard into performative quirk, and the narrator came off as immature and a bit self-absorbed. The same tired jokes got repeated, and we spent a lot of time rehashing every single crush.

That said, it was nice to see a queer female voice of color in this space. Representation matters, and it’s still rare to get stories centered on lesbian identity in a mainstream way. I just wish that part of her identity had been explored with more depth. Her dad’s military background seemed to shape her more than her Filipino or Spanish heritage, which felt like a missed opportunity.

At the end of the day, I found it hard to connect with her or root for her. There wasn’t much accountability for the way she treated others, and the tone often felt self-congratulatory in a way that got old fast.

Not for me, but hopefully it opens the door for more (and better) books in this space.

[Barbara J · Rating 5 out of 5]

What a character

I guess all successful comedians are "characters" but Ms. Santos does take it a few steps past that. I loved so many things about you, Sophie. First of all, you are funny. But of course, there's MORE. You do not have OCD, really. You are a very high functioning female autistic. Check it out. It will explain EVERYTHING. (including how ridiculously long it took you to figure out you were queer). AND it will give you something else to panic about AND more *material!" Us other high functioning female autistics need you to help us laugh *with* each other, since we have been laughed AT all our lives. You will know exactly how to make it hilarious. And of course anxiety-provoking as HELL. So on to your next adventure. Thank you. I so needed this book, right now.

[Emily · Rating 5 out of 5]

4.5 rounded up to 5.

This is my 60th and final book of 2021. And what a way to end a year of great reads. I listened to this on audible whenever I had a free moment and Sophie's stories truly made me laugh out loud constantly but a lot of them also just flat out broke my heart. There were so many experiences she has had as a queer millennial that I really thought were just...me things. Of course, she and I are not exactly the same in every experience, but even the experiences we didn't share carry the same emotions that I felt while coming of age. I loved that she didn't use this book to self deprecate too much or to gas herself up. She was just herself and told her life as it was and as it is, owning up to mistakes and narrating the book like she was just a friend hanging out in your room with you. I see a lot of myself in Sophie and I can't wait to read and see more from her.

[Melissa · Rating 1 out of 5]

I didn't know this was a "coming out" lesbian autobiography! She should have marketed the book as such instead of fooling every woman into thinking they would like it and could relate. I would have gladly passed this one over if I had known.
Hypersexualized and gross. Who talks that candidly about sex, knowing your relatives will read it? Not average women. Or I guess I'm a prude then but I'm sick of almost every book and movie needing to be about sex.
Totally unrelatable. Who spends time naked with their moms like it's normal? Not the average woman I will tell you that! Not funny at all. (I am mid 40's).
I couldn't finish it. It felt like I was reading a college girl's rambling diary. I kept thinking while reading it-how was this actually approved by a publisher?? Painful.

[Cilla Savary · Rating 4 out of 5]

Fresh, Candid, Tells It Like It Is

Autobiographies are not a favorite genre of mine. I'm not often interested in the lifestyles of the rich and famous. That said, this one is so very much worth reading. Santos pulls no punches in telling us about her life. Every painful screwup. Every shortcoming. Every heartbreak is shared with complete raw candor. As if she is telling it to a trusted inner circle confidant. If you ever wondered if anyone ever felt the way you do or screwed up like you, or made it through these things to a better day...this book is for you. With great talent for wordsmithing she draws the reader into her life and takes them along as she finds and defines herself. Sophie Santos is a woman, a writer, a person worth getting to know. Enjoy!

[Angel]

I'm adding this to the DNF list. So boring, and feels so long, even though I've only read a little more than a hundred pages. I really don't need every single detail of every moment of her childhood - every sleep over, every football practice, every little thing. And it's not funny, at all. I'm not sure who this person is, and why I should want to read about her. I bought this during pride month when amazon was having a special - I thought it would be a fun read. It's not. After about two weeks, I'm only about hundred pages into the book and dread picking it up. I've tried skimming, but then finally last night decided I was done with it because there just didn't seem to be much point in continuing with the book.

[Carol · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was an interesting book, mainly because I did not realize that it was a book about Sophie Santos' realization that she was gay. It was definitely a "Memoir" - very vivid and truthful rendition of what a girl goes through switching to being gay from being heterosexual. There are many women who would enjoy reading exactly how Sophie figured out"who she really was". She was able to put into words all her feelings from being very young to all her stages including elementary age through college and then through her working life. The book was written very well. I felt I was right there with her, feeling all her emotions at the same time as she was.

This is not a book for all people. You must have an open mind and an empathy for those who live a different lifestyle.