Rejoinder to Claudia Goldin’s Nobel-Winning Book
Addressing Discussion Question 9: “To what extent do you think the book’s central message will resonate with men?”
Part 1
On June 9, 2021, New York Times columnist Nicholas Kristof wrote a piece titled, “Are Vets and Pharmacists Showing How to Make Careers Work for Moms?” His lede also made reference only to “moms.” He was writing about the book that two years later would win The Sveriges Riksbank Prize in Economic Sciences in Memory of Alfred Nobel, the official title of the award known informally as the Nobel Prize in Economics.
That book is Career and Family: Women’s Century-long Journey Toward Equity by Harvard Economics Professor Claudia Goldin. It proposes various changes in the nature of work, which we will discuss later, but for now suffice it to say that Kristof ended his homage to Goldin’s book by saying “The critical step, Goldin advises: ‘Get men on board.’”
As a long-time advocate for improvements in the work-life prospects of men and boys, I was all on board with getting men on board. But it was clear from Kristof’s column that Goldin was going to have trouble enticing men to climb onto the train she was engineering, a conveyance thoroughly designed and managed for the needs and comfort of women traveling to destinations most salubrious and welcoming to them.
Optimist that I was, after reading Kristof’ column I wrote to Professor Goldin at her Harvard email address to ask if she might be a guest on my podcast “Good Will Toward Men”:
“Professor Goldin,” I wrote, “I haven’t read your book, only Nicholas Kristof’s column. Will you be a guest on my podcast? I’d like to talk with you about getting women on board about allowing men to get on board.”
She replied, “Perhaps I’m being dense, but I don’t understand what you mean by ‘getting women on board about allowing men to get on board.’ Do you really mean that mothers stand in the way of fathers who would like to teach, diaper, care for, drive to school, and so on the children? Or that women stand in the way of men who would like to clear the dishes, do the shopping, schedule the doctor’s visits, clean the toilets, and so on?”
I wrote back, “Some women (how many? a subject for research) who do not have fabulous or even minimally fulfilling careers in business or academia jealously protect their careers as mothers and wish to maintain maternal supremacy in parenting, just as men back in the day wanted to maintain paternal supremacy in economic careers. There may be a relationship for some, perhaps many women, between their ability to maximize their work/life balance options and their husbands’ or prospective husbands’ willingness/requirement to minimize and sacrifice theirs.”
Professsor Goldin, to her great credit, did not ignore me. She replied, “My work is related to the pursuit of career and family. But not so much with regard to your notion that women protect their maternal supremacy. In fact, I don’t know any mothers who would not want their husbands to do 50–50 with the children and around the home.”
I was struck by this on two counts:
She dismissed my concern about maternal supremacy as a “notion,” rather than as an obvious phenomenon that has the additional support of research and candid acknowledgments from self-aware women.
She reminded me of the apocryphal absurdity that Pauline Kael, film critic for the New York Times, reportedly but never actually said about her surprise that Richard Nixon won the 1972 presidential election because she — an artsy New York intellectual— didn’t know anyone who voted for him. But here was a tenured Harvard professor, many or most of whose female associates were likely other women with fabulous, fulfilling and rewarding careers, actually expressing disbelief that any mothers are primarily invested in and jealous of their maternal role and position of honor, respect and day-to-day control in their families.
I did not further pursue Claudia Goldin as a podcast guest who was ready, willing and able to express good will toward men in the context of her book.
Then when Professor Goldin’s book won the Nobel, I knew I had to read it.
Career and Family really is a magnificent piece of research — as far as it goes and in the direction it goes. But if its purpose was to inspire an optimistic answer to its Discussion Question 9 (“To what extent do you think the book’s central message will resonate with men?”) it fell far short and wide of its mark. The book is almost exclusively about equity for women and the myriad factors that complicate reaching that goal. It seems to have no awareness of the limitations men face in achieving fulfillment in both career and family.
Whether men resonate with the book or not will really make no difference as to whether women will continue to get the changes they continue to demand in their singular best interest. But whether men resonate will have a lot to do with everyone’s happiness, including the happiness of men and boys, husbands and fathers, sons and sons-in-law for decades or centuries into the future. It will also influence how much energy women need to expend overcoming the friction of men’s feeling treated poorly, a feeling men are unlikely to express openly because we are deeply conditioned not to be wheels that squeak. Breakdowns of various kinds are much less trouble. We grind away so as not to be rendered obsolete or replaceable.
I write this book for Claudia Goldin, her friends and all the powerful women like them who really do want the full and equal participation of men in their families, including cases where marriages fail. That is where the rubber meets the road. Honoring and welcoming men’s heavy investment in parenting during marriage is one thing. But the possibility (should we call it a “notion”?) that after divorce an ex-wife might act upon the call of maternal supremacy, assume its privileges, and take the kids far, far away, is hardly an inducement for men to climb aboard Goldin’s train to who-knows-where.
Divorce is only one potential derailment for men on Goldin’s train. There are many dangerous crossings and other safety hazards that will be obvious and concerning to inspectors familiar with special male vulnerabilities.
So far, however, the railroad doesn’t seem much to care about transporting men as well as women to a happier future. We need powerful, accomplished, bilaterally egalitarian women to join the call to lay much more track across terrain that men, at long last, must be fully involved in surveying so we can map the routes we need to take to our promised destination.
How can we expect men to resonate with Career and Family otherwise?
Part 2
In Part 1 we surveyed Claudia Goldin’s Nobel-winning book about helping women “have it all” by encouraging men to “get on board” with sweeping changes whose effects on men Goldin doesn’t recognize or consider.
That’s been the problem with the modern women’s movement since pretty much the day it began. It was never a negotiation; for men it has always been a shakedown, a forced march. Seldom if ever have women said, “Here’s what we want. What would you want in exchange?” The necessity of that crucial step was lost behind the ideas that 1) women have nothing men would want and 2) if men did want anything women had, women weren’t interested in sharing it, so they wouldn’t embarrass themselves by asking.
Feminism has always said that no one gives up power willingly. Such zero-sum thinking is the essential reason that feminism has led to so much strife and imbalance. What feminism has never been willing to consider is that people all the time share power willingly because doing so often results in greater power available to everyone.
Methinks the reason feminism has been so totally averse to sharing what it has with men is because feminism knows that what women have in their traditional domain is far, far more valuable and precious than what men have in theirs. To me, it looks like this:
Images of “The Patriarchy” and “The Matrexx” by author using Bing Image Creator
Believe me when I say that you will not find a man more committed to equal sharing of the two domains — in both directions — than I am. The Big Red Heart always meant more to me than the Golden Dollar Sign. I think there are a lot of men like me in that regard, many more than would feel comfortable saying so — sort of as it was back in the day for any woman who averred that she really wasn’t all that interested in staying home and raising children.
We’ve recognized for decades that it’s a pity to cajole women into a slot that is not optimal for them. We need to take notice of the same fact for men.
As Goldin points out in her Nobel-winning book, most people will want some combination of the two domains. Both have a lot to offer. Women were first to make that reasonable demand. In fact, until women entered the corporate world in big numbers, there was no such concept, no such phrase as “work-life balance.” Men just called it The Rat Race. We can thank women for leading the way on that.
But not for deciding and insisting on how far is far enough for their purposes.
Let’s think of Goldin as an investment banker. Lately, she’s been talking up this great new security called work-life balance for men. It has been a huge success with women, her primary clientele, but now men are a rate-limiting step for women and she has to get men on board to achieve her female-centered goals.
But for men, investing in Goldin’s bank is much less secure than it is for women. And for men facing the decision of how to invest their time and opportunities for a happy life, there are much safer investments readily available to them. The benefits they get from their jobs and careers are clear and generally reliable. On the other hand, they have heard numerous horror stories about men’s investments in home and family life — especially their emotional investments in their kids — being completely wiped out in the event of a market crash — AKA divorce or separation.
Though Goldin seems not to know it, many women, when push comes to shove, will do whatever they need to do to keep their investment in the Big Red Heart treated as Preferred Stock and Class A Shares, while relegating men to Common Stock and Class B Shares. The unwritten by-laws of family governance are easily bent in women’s favor by tearful pleadings to judges, false statements of how they are “in fear” of the children’s fathers, and how the children suddenly don’t want to see or be with him anymore.
This last tactic is known as Parental Alienation. Professional feminists are currently waging selfish, cynical, advocacy-masquerading-as-research campaigns in state legislatures around the country, including in Maryland where I testified to a legislative committee on the matter. The legislative efforts would make it inadmissible for a man to present evidence of how the mother has turned the kids against him; all she would have to do to bar him from seeking the judge’s help with that problem is to allege that the father has committed domestic violence. Allegations therefore abound to render innocent fathers defenseless and effectively guilty and unworthy of the love and affection of their children.
Men who take Goldin’s investment advice and reduce their career time to increase their family time might find themselves before divorce judges who not only reduce the fathers’ parenting time to Zoo Daddy visitation status, but, in the ultimate revelation of just how unequal inequality can be, might calculate their child support obligations not on what the fathers currently make with their new part-time careers, but on “imputed income” — how much they could be, should be, making if they applied themselves fully to their money-earning careers.
Here’s a thought experiment. How much would women have invested their time, money and hopes in pursuing advanced professional degrees had there been no Equal Employment Opportunity Commission or myriad other regulations to ensure their investments would not be trounced and trashed by male chauvinism? Notice, then, please that we are nowhere near having an Equal Parenting Opportunity Commission. We are nowhere near establishing a rebuttable presumption for joint custody in the event of divorce, even despite a strong scientific consensus that it is the best outcome for most children.
Note also that we are nowhere near counting or caring about whether sole custody fathers are “under-represented” among sole custody parents.
Along the same lines of happy hopes being unfulfilled, let’s talk about some of the dangers men face if they hop on board the train that Claudia Goldin is engineering to take men to a college-educated women’s version of Barbie Land, where women can be whatever they want, and men are “just men.”
What will happen if your wife sours for some reason on her once-fabulous career? What if she tires of applying for grants that are never granted? What if the pressure to “publish or perish” is exhausting and much more stressful than she wanted it to be? Will she consider you ungallant and unsupportive for your unwillingness to leave the family-career life you have built, at Goldin’s urging, and return to work full-time so your wife can pursue her new happy hope of family fulfillment? Could that lack of gallantry be spun into grounds for divorce, leading possibly to the loss of your kids, to whom, again at Goldin’s urging, you transferred so much of your career ambition?
Investigate before you invest: Why do we so often hear “Happy wife, happy life”? Is there any factual basis for saying “If momma ain’t happy ain’t nobody happy”?
War stories about men having their hearts ripped out in divorce are legion. But divorce is only the tip of the iceberg. Women’s ability to protect their domains, their supremacy in home life, runs much wider and deeper. Even women who demand and expect equality at work still seem to harbor old notions of superiority at home.
Here are a few of the private issues that, along with matters of government mentioned above, need to be discussed and fairly resolved before men will know that Goldin’s investment plan for them is not just another overreach toward female privilege.
In two-career couples, each spouse has a boss at work. Before the man agrees to invest in family life as much as women feel safe to do, he may need to bargain hard to explicitly overcome the default expectation that the wife will be the one and only boss on domestic issues at home.
(Phyllis Schlafly, the world’s chief opponent of mere equality for women, had a delightful way of expressing women’s regime of control in household affairs. In her book The Power of the Positive Woman, she tells of a hoodwinked husband saying “When my wife and I were married, we agreed that I would make all the major decisions, and she would make the minor ones. I decide what legislation Congress should pass, what treaties the president should sign, and whether the United States should stay in the United Nations. My wife makes the minor decisions — such as how we spend our money, whether I should change my job, where we should live, and where we go on our vacations.”¹)
A big concern for career women is cleaning the house. Is the woman the final say on how much cleaning is the “right” amount of cleaning? Suppose the woman insists that the toilets should be scrubbed every week but you found in your bachelor years that you seldom caught Bubonic Plague having them scrubbed only every other week. Who decides who’s right and how your time must be expended? That, of course, is just an example — but one that Claudia Goldin raised in her email to me expressing doubt that women ever seek supremacy in home life:
“Do you really mean that mothers stand in the way of fathers who would like to teach, diaper, care for, drive to school, and so on the children? Or that women stand in the way of men who would like to clear the dishes, do the shopping, schedule the doctor’s visits, clean the toilets, and so on?”
Yes, Professor Goldin, I do — though you frame parenting in the least attractive terms when you ask that question. Imagine how we would scoff, how we did scoff, at men who protested that they were fully supportive of women entering men’s world of work by saying “Do you really think I would object if my wife helped with the financial burden by having a part-time job at the 7-Eleven?”
A big concern that stay-at-home fathers have expressed to me is their need to insist and assert strongly to their wives that they, the fathers, “parent different” and that their style of childrearing must be respected as the equal of the mother’s. Men often find that relinquishing the Primary Nurturer role can be as difficult for women as giving up the Primary Provider role was and to a much lesser degree still can be for men.
Are women ready for all this? Are they ready for the give as well as the take? Or are they perhaps no more enthusiastic about having men assert their equality at home than men fifty years ago were about having women assert their equality in careers, government, and business? Consider all the work, all the government reforms and interventions, all the programs, all the philanthropic funding that has been required to reach our current level of women’s equality in men’s traditional domain. Nothing anywhere even remotely comparable has been undertaken for men’s equality in women’s traditional domain.
Men will be poorly advised to get on board Goldin’s train anytime soon.
It’s really a pretty simple equation. “Career and Family,” the title phrase of Goldin’s book, is equivalent to “Family and Career,” with the first word in each triplet representing the non-traditional aspirations of women and men, respectively. The drive for family and career for men deserves no less care and attention than the drive for career and family for women.
So, just as Goldin urges men to “get on board,” Goldin would do well to urge women to get on board with getting men on board. And to do that, we need to have deep, honest and sometimes difficult negotiations about family innovations in which neither side will only give or only get.
If there is anything ready for men to get on board right now it is the fledgling men’s movement. Father-friendly attorney and former NOW president Karen DeCrow put it like this: “It’s hard to have a sex-role revolution when only one sex is participating.”
The men’s movement would welcome the help of influential women like Claudia Goldin, as well. It is, after all, women who have just about all the Mojo on gender issues these days. Men need lots more than we have for our locomotion.