It's Not Just You: Freeing Women to Talk about Sexual Sin and Fight It Well

by Ashley Chesnut

There's no way other women are struggling sexually like I am. Who could I even talk to about this? Isn't this a guy's issue? For too long, Christian women have assumed they’re outliers in their sexual struggles. This assumption (along with shame) often keeps them silent, leaving them to face the battle all by themselves. But if any of this sounds familiar, you’re not the only one. Whether your struggles take the form of masturbation, pornography, same sex attraction, or sexual fantasies, it’s not just you. These temptations are common not only for men in the church, but many women, too.     So how do we fight against sexual sin as women? What do we do when there’s a disconnect between what the Bible says and how we live and feel? Or, if we lead a woman struggling in this way, how do we aid her in the battle? Written from the trenches of ministering to young women, young adult minister Ashley Chesnut explores why sexual sin is “sin” in the first place, what sex really is, and how Scripture speaks into topics like masturbation, oral sex, and sex robots—even when those words aren’t found in the Bible.   God has already won the war against sin, and as you examine His Word along with Ashley, you’ll be equipped to battle against sexual sin and to aid other sisters in the fight.   No, it’s not just you. And yes, you can take steps toward victory. Right now.  

Genres: Christian Non Fiction

271 pages, Kindle Edition

Published August 3, 2021

About the author

Ashley Chesnut serves as the Associate Young Adult Minister at The Church at Brook Hills in Birmingham, Alabama. She has a Master of Divinity from Beeson Divinity School and a Certificate of Biblical Counseling from Southeastern Baptist Theological Seminary. While Ashley has a passion for discipling young women, she also loves her city and has written a children’s book about it called Down in the Ham: A Child’s Guide to Downtown Birmingham. When she's not at the church or meeting with girls, you can probably find her at the farmer's market or trying some new local restaurant.

Reviews

[Genevieve · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is much needed in the church. Many resources for fighting sexual sin are given to and created for men while women who struggle with such sins often feel isolated and as though they are the only ones struggling with what some think of as a "male sin". Ashley Chesnut assures women that they are not alone in struggling sexually and that freedom in Christ is possible. She clearly describes God's design for sex and how to determine if certain acts are sin. Chesnut continually reminds readers of grace and gives practical advice for women to fight sexual sin and help others fight. She recognizes the brokenness of the world and how it impacts us, giving special notes and appendices to trauma and healing from it.

Ladies, if you or a woman you know struggles with sexual sin of any sort, I highly recommend this book.

[Madeleine Crow · Rating 5 out of 5]

every girl needs to read this. no matter what ur story is, no matter what u think, no matter what you know. pick it up and read it.

[Panda Incognito · Rating 5 out of 5]

In the introduction, Ashley Chestnut shares some of her story of how she first became invested in understanding women’s experiences with sexual sin. This all started within her discipleship circles, as girls that she mentored began to open up and share with her about sins they were struggling with in secret. Even though Chestnut felt very unprepared to respond to some of these first disclosures, she began to study the issues involved and went back to school to get a counseling degree. This book is the culmination of her studies and personal experience with young women, and she writes with deep sensitivity, strong arguments from Scripture, and love and concern for women struggling with sins that the church often views as a male problem.

In the first part of the book, Chestnut addresses the reality of our sexual brokenness and some of the reasons behind it, and in the second part, she explores God’s design for sex, focusing on the different elements of God’s design and how various behaviors and desires fall outside of the parameters God has set. She addresses a wide range of different issues and moral quandaries, and because she focuses on articulating a biblical view of sexuality first, she is able to direct various ethical questions into this framework, rather than approaching them from an anecdotal perspective or based on her background alone. She often addresses the varying convictions that other Christians have about some of these issues, and even though she does not engage with all of the counterarguments that progressive Christians would pose against her traditional ethics, she clearly articulates her views based on the Bible, not subcultural assumptions.

In the third part of the book, she focuses on strategies for dealing with sexual sin, ways to pursue holistic emotional and spiritual health, and how to see God’s healing in the midst of our brokenness. She also includes a chapter specifically designed for counselors and helpers, where she writes about ways that they can maintain their own health and well-being while caring for others and dealing with the secondhand effects of others’ trauma. She writes more about trauma in the appendices at the end of the book, and also addresses the dynamics of sex addiction. Overall, this book is incredibly thorough, clearly organized, and well-written, and Chestnut articulates her biblical perspective with great compassion, love, and concern for the whole person.

It’s Not Just You: Freeing Women to Talk about Sexual Sin and Fight It Well is a fantastic, in-depth resource for struggling women and the people who counsel them. Ashley Chestnut addresses a variety of different concerns for both single and married women, and covers a range of different sin struggles and trauma experiences that influence women’s lives. This book will be a wonderful blessing to women who frequently read male-focused books about sexual sin and need one with a female focus, and I would highly recommend it to counselors and mentors who want to become better equipped to engage in well-informed, loving conversations with women who are dealing with these sensitive issues.

I received a free copy of this book from the publisher in exchange for an honest review.

[Jo Burl]

This is a book that has been needed for some time, and will be as useful for women who struggle with sexual sin as well as those who counsel them.

The beauty of the book is that it's not a bunch of advice on how to try harder. The author explains God's good plan for his people, and how what we do is a direct of result of what we believe. She explains why sexual sin is a result of bad understanding of not only who God is, but who we are in Christ, as well as a bondage that Jesus can break. Christ's relationship to the church, his bride, is delved into and explained. This understanding hopefully will empower women to realize how much they are cherished by their Savior and give them the freedom to feel that they themselves, and not the just the church in general, is of eternal consequence and beloved by him.

I also appreciated the section toward the end where the author provided tangible ways that a counselor/mentor can come alongside the woman who is struggling.

I highly recommend this book and I thank NetGalley for the copy of the book in exchange for a review.

[Karina Cortes · Rating 5 out of 5]

Ashley has a heart for discipling, encouraging, and seeing woman overcome their struggles with sin. She walks the reader through the gospel and doesn’t shy away from calling out sin. As someone who has walked along several women with these struggles, I found this book to be extremely helpful- especially the appendices!

[IyanuOluwa Olorode · Rating 5 out of 5]

I honestly don't have the right words to describe how great this book is. It is detailed and filled with true, honest and useful facts. I'd recommend it to anyone struggling with sexual sin and anyone helping someone struggling with sexual sin.

God bless you, Ashley Chestnut. Thank you to NetGalley for this beautiful book.

[BookIbby · Rating 5 out of 5]

One of the best books I have been recommended to read this year. Although in many communities it’s seen as a taboo subject, it is one that perforates many arias of culture, leaving a lot of women to feel they have to struggle alone instead of receiving the healing God has for them. Whether you read this for yourself or help people around you, you are guaranteed to find some important truths about life, love and God. 100/10

[Mikayla Jackson · Rating 5 out of 5]

I love everything that was said in this book! Borrowed this from a church member and it definitely helped me understand things that I couldn't really figure out or my brain just wouldn't click with some things that I was struggling with.

[Eunice · Rating 5 out of 5]

Every Christian girl/ woman should read this book. It’s so eye opening and will definitely help you in your walk with Christ

[Rebecca · Rating 1 out of 5]

I feel like this book was very one sided on sexual sin. I’m not saying sexual sin isn’t an issue that believes must face, but the authors stance was a little to black and white on every situation.

[Danielle Kissinger · Rating 5 out of 5]

took me awhile but it was so good and worth it. such a great resource!!

[Rachel · Rating 4 out of 5]

I feel like rating nonfiction really isn’t fair, especially when it takes me forever to read because I can’t get into it. I thought this book handled the subject matter really well, what frustrated me was there would be a scenario the author introduced for her next topic, like “I met with X who said Y,” and she would never come out and say what her response was or what her thoughts were in so many words, just the rest of the chapter. There was no resolution of the real life situation presented at the beginning of the chapter. That being said, I think the end section was actually the most helpful and straight to the point part of the entire book.

Slow read for me, but again, I read all nonfiction VERY slowly, so the fact I didn’t dnf this is a positive sign.

[Esther · Rating 4 out of 5]

Good truths. Reads like a thesis paper

[Danielle · Rating 5 out of 5]

I’ll update this because I saw Ashley saw my review. It’s absolutely one of my favorite books to use for ministry!

I’ve been a campus minister for almost 3 years and involved with mentoring college students for 5. My first year mentoring, my colleague started a program where we sit all the girls in our campus ministry down in the spring semester and talk to them about pornography addiction and sexual abuse. We’ve found that this opens the door for more girls to find healing and a non-judgmental community to work through this addiction.

My colleague and I were discussing books over the summer to use with our girls, and somehow we had both been reading this book without the other knowing! We also decided separately that we were going to use this book in our one-on-one mentoring with females struggling with porn addiction.

Overall, this is a great tool to reference with our girls. Ashley helps make this topic relatable instead of scary. We NEED to be talking about this issue in church instead of sweeping it under the rug. So many girls and guys are secretly struggling and don’t know where to turn. They tend to turn away from God than to Him.

Thank you, Ashley, for writing this book and talking about the difficult stuff and showing the grace of God. You have made a difference in so many girls’ lives already!