On my way home, I pictured my employer-to-be presenting me to other colleagues—i.e., hypothetical physicists of theoretical physics—in need of a translator. A beggar making the rounds growled because I didn’t drop anything into his grubby outstretched hand. Closing my eyes, I imagined myself earning two thousand euros a month, sitting in the back seat of a taxi with Fumiko next to me, as we cruised down the avenue de la Grande Armée. The Grande Armée was the B side of the Champs-Élysées, radiating from the opposite edge of the place de l’Étoile. I was, if nothing else, a modest dreamer.
“Read the whole thing first, then underline any words you don’t know. Cross out what you can’t figure out from context. Try to translate the sentence without using those words. They tend to take off fewer points for omissions than for mistranslations.”
Sometimes, residents from our floor would walk in on us arguing, Joakim in his Danified Swedish and me in my Swedified Danish. We had by then moved on to other subjects: Danish vacationers buying up property in Skåne (because it was cheaper), Swedes stocking up on alcohol in Copenhagen to take back to Sweden, Danes going to Stockholm for prostitutes, Swedes going to Christiania for drugs, Danes being unwilling to take in refugees, Swedes taking in refugees for the wrong reasons (i.e., a guilty conscience). One evening, I found a feast for two set out on the table and Joakim waiting with what I thought was a tight Swedish smile of satisfaction. He told me, as I sat down, that it was silly to go on the way we had. He added that he had always been against the Sweden Democrats and people like Jimmie Åkesson. There were cabbage rolls, beef patties à la Lindström, slices of jellied veal, even some surströmming, which he informed me was a Norrland specialty. That night, we talked politics, each of us trying to outdo the other in progressiveness. I went so far as to posit myself as the product of my parents’ “progressive” decision to adopt from outside of Denmark, adding, for good measure, that Carl Th. Dreyer had been adopted. Things might have gone on in that manner, with each of us trying to outdo the other, if a Korean named Guang-ho hadn’t come over to our table during one of the “kitchen parties” that our floor began to be known for as the year progressed, and which could last all weekend as partygoers ran to the nearby Franprix for two-euro bottles of merlot, six-packs of Desperados and other vital provisions. Guang-ho must have been intrigued by the sight of two guys—an Asian and an Aryan—sitting across from each other like chess players at the eleventh hour. I had already noticed him a few times in the kitchen—making instant ramen or smoking a cigarette on the window ledge, the lone Korean among the Europeans. He was slight of build but had the coiled grace of a dancer, or someone on the qui vive, always dressed in the same black jeans and worn leather jacket, his thatchy hair falling past his shoulders. It was difficult to guess his age, though something told me he was a bit older than the rest of us.
They were younger, more savvy and disillusioned: they’d read accounts of Japanese tourists coming home traumatized after discovering that their beloved City of Light—the backdrop of so many mangas and TV series—was in reality a City of Darkness; they’d heard stories of Chinese tourists being mugged in front of their hotels by thugs from the suburbs who came into the city by RER with the express intention of targeting Chinese—or anyone who looked Chinese—because, q.e.d., all Chinese were rich and defenseless, easy targets.
Several weeks into the second semester, I encountered yet another obstacle, this one of an administrative nature: I was asked to provide proof that I had indeed failed to finish my thesis in Copenhagen. Frankly, I couldn’t imagine why they wanted proof, given that I had already been admitted as a student. Why would anyone lie about failing something? I could understand them asking for proof that I had finished my thesis, but that I hadn’t finished it? As if proof of past failure were a necessary condition for studying at the Sorbonne … I was tempted to point out this absurdity to the woman at the secrétariat, but in the end I said nothing. I left the building and walked out to the square, weighed down by a growing sense of futility. At a nearby kébab place, I ordered a grec-frites and sat down at the counter, next to a tiny little sink jutting out of a corner of the wall. As I ate, I thought about my dilemma. The conclusion I arrived at was that proving one’s success was always easier than proving one’s failure. Success, completion, admission all resulted in some document or other: a diploma, a letter of acceptance. How does one prove that one failed an exam? How does one prove that one took it in the first place? One wasn’t given anything in the event of failure: there was nothing to give. That said, was failure any less real than success? Wasn’t the unhappiness associated with something lost always greater, in one’s mind, than the happiness associated with something gained?
Most of the time, we didn’t make small talk, concentrating on the work at hand, though once she asked me if everyone in Denmark spoke the way I did. And what way is that? I replied. My English, according to her, wasn’t like theirs. (She meant the Anglophones.) I seldom used slang and my pronunciation was very clean, very easy to understand. There was something rigid about my grammar, she concluded, and I wasn’t sure from her tone if she meant it as a compliment or not. For many Danes, English was like a second mother tongue, a faithful shadow, a watermark: I read in English more than in Danish, I watched more films in English, but on a daily basis it was Danish I spoke, not English. In the end, I told her that it was because English wasn’t really my language; it’s easier to be rigorous with a language that isn’t one’s own.
When asked—often by those who didn’t know me—if I wanted to find my “real” parents, I would answer that my parents—that is, my Danish parents—had found me first. They were my real parents. What did it matter that I didn’t share their genes? If anything, I considered myself lucky not to have my father’s unreliable metabolism and absurdly bad memory. Or my mother’s hereditary cancer. I took after them in other ways: a certain Danish shyness and pedantism, a fondness for rainy days, Olsen Gang references and the poetry of Halfdan Rasmussen. As if I had, simply by being near them, absorbed their habits and values like so much discarded genetic material floating around their bodies in the form of dead skin cells and other motes of dust.
That was when I told her that it was always sad to lose something, but there were some things that could not be lost. A cat, for example. I told her that no one in all of history had ever lost a cat: such a thing simply wasn’t possible. Because no matter what happened out there—I gestured behind me, at the rain coming down—she didn’t have to stop thinking about Bors, who would stay with her as long as she wanted. And when he did, one day, start to fade away, it would happen so naturally that she wouldn’t think to notice he was gone. It would be like the moon, eclipsing itself in stages, so regular and gradual that she wouldn’t even know to miss anything. I don’t know if she believed me or not.
I found her among the remains of Pompeii, which had been used for a Spanish television series that had won a lot of awards. At the stone archway with its artificially weathered concrete, we stared at each other in silence. She was upset with me—that much was obvious, even if I couldn’t see inside her head. How had she found out I wasn’t going? Had Gaëtane told her? (I had made it clear that I wanted to break the news myself.) The look in my goddaughter’s eyes said that I was abandoning her, letting her down—all because I was afraid of what I might see, the charred and blackened casserole of my inner self reflected, this time, not in the secrecy of a lavatory mirror but in the openness of her ten-year-old’s face. Confronted by her unwavering gaze, I became convinced that she could hear my every thought, and as I struggled to fight down my panic, it occurred to me: the trick was not to empty one’s mind, which in any case was impossible, but instead to fill it with more thoughts, all kinds of thoughts, crisscrossing and converging. Like typing over a word with another word, then with another, again and again, until there is only an indecipherable jumble of letters, I thought to myself, as I gave her a smile that reflected none of the chaos and turmoil and sorrow inside of me.