Equal Partners: Improving Gender Equality at Home

by Kate Mangino

"An inspiring and inclusive guide for rethinking and reworking household gender roles."― Booklist (starred review)

"This book is a beautiful, engaging way to look at the modern family and Mangino works to dismantle gendered assumptions and replace them with structured decision making examples and case studies. A must read."―Eve Rodsky, author of Fair Play

From gender expert and professional facilitator Kate Mangino comes Equal Partners , an informed guide about how we can all collectively work to undo harmful gender norms and create greater household equity.

As American society shut down due to Covid, millions of women had to leave their jobs to take on full-time childcare. As the country opens back up, women continue to struggle to balance the demands of work and home life. Kate Mangino, a professional facilitator for twenty years, has written a comprehensive, practical guide for readers and their partners about gender norms and household balance. Yes, part of our gender problem is structural, and that requires policy change. But much of our gender problem is social, and that requires us to change.

Quickly moving from diagnosis to solution, Equal Partners focuses on what we can do, everyday people living busy lives, to rewrite gender norms to support a balanced homelife so both partners have equal time for work, family, and self. Mangino adopts an interactive model, posing questions, and asking readers to assess their situations through guided lists and talking points. Equal Partners is broad in its definition of gender and gender roles. This is a book for straight, gay, trans, and non-binary, parents and grandparents, and friends, with the goal to help foster gender equality in readers' homes, with their partners, family and wider community.

Genres: Nonfiction, Feminism, Parenting, Gender, Audiobook, Self Help, Relationships

352 pages, Hardcover

Published June 28, 2022

Reviews

[Rachel (TheShadesofOrange) · Rating 4 out of 5]

4.0 Stars
This was such an important conversation to be having in the present day. I think for a lot of us, the pandemic really highlighted the inequality of our partnership. Yes, my husband is amazing, but we both acknowledge that our relationship (especially after having a kid) fell into gender stereotypes. This book did a great job underlying the traps that we often fall into within relationships and offered practical solutions to address inequalities within our partnerships but also within society. I really appreciated that this book was cross-sectional, addressing all genders and pairings, not just traditional heterosexual marriage. This would be a great book to read before anyone cohabitates with a new person.

Disclaimer I received a copy of this book from the publisher. 

[Andrew Epperson · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a must read for people in relationships, particularly men. My girlfriend’s taught me many thing related to structural misogyny and how it plays out both inside and outside the home. This book took that a step further and put things into terms and stories I could understand. I intend to put them into practice.
Now, I’m thinking about the cognitive labor she puts in that I don’t. She’s basically working twice as much as I am, but I don’t even think about it. There are more thoughts that I’ve shared with her, and we’re striving for further equality in our home.

[Jodi · Rating 3 out of 5]

I felt validated in my feelings while reading, but I guess I don't really understand who this book was written for? To remind people in the "traditionally feminine role" that it does, in fact, blow? We know that. To give to a partner in the "traditionally masculine role"? I don't think I could give this to someone I love and have peace in the home afterward. Mangino effectively explains the how and why of these roles and how they've been perpetuated, but in terms of how to actually improve gender equality at home with someone you love and respect.... not that helpful.

[Julie Brough · Rating 5 out of 5]

A fantastic read! I found some of her insights thought-provoking and interesting. If anything, this book made me realize why I do some of the things I do and why my husband functions in different ways. I want my husband to read it just so he can understand me better. For example, I didn't realize why I kept asking him to call a certain person over and over and why he got frustrated when I kept asking. Now I understand that it was part of my cognitive load and I needed it taken care of so it was off my list and made my load lighter. It also helped me reflect on times where I've been burnt out (like when I worked full-time and was the sole income and still took on all the "female role" tasks). Now I know part of why I was anxious and grumpy during that period of time. 😂 It also helped me find ways in which my husband and I are excelling at equal parenting. I don't necessarily agree with every single little belief in the book, but it sure got me thinking. I'd recommend this book to anyone who wants to gain insight into their relationships, whether they're just starting to live together or they've been together for over a decade.

Thanks to NetGalley for providing this ARC in exchange for my honest review.

[Eric VS]

I saw myself in a lot of the scenarios this book laid out — sometimes in a way that made me laugh and occasionally in a way that made me feel a little embarrassed and exposed. Which means it was a solid, and important read. Happy to have gone through it. Looking forward to utilizing the lessons I came away with.

[Grace Rust · Rating 5 out of 5]

Everyone should read this and I think it’s especially valuable if you do or are about to live with your partner!

[Lydia]

I do not feel comfortable rating this, as it is so very much off the mark and not for me. To be upfront: I do not believe gender equality is possible or even worthy as a goal. I'm of the school of "feminism is for female liberation." I found this mostly frustrating and, like therapy, individual solutions for systematic problems.
For those that care, the book is gentle and optimistic and inclusive and actionable. Personally I find it really annoying to speak of "all genders" when discussing domestic inequality, and my advice for women looking to improve their ain't shit partners would be "Dump him." I like the Gavin de Becker approach in "Gift of Fear," where he acknowledges the topics and behaviors described in the book could be done by anyone, but he also leans into the "he," because statistically, that's the most accurate. Same here. This book cites much better books, like "All the Rage," and the works of Kate Manne, and essentially waters them down.
I don't want to skew the rating for the intended audience, however unsure I am about who that is. The problem is, the men who NEED this will never find it in their hands, no matter how the approach is done. Women are not stupid and many enter relationship these days with their eyes as open as they can be and STILL wind up saddled with the second shift. I think what I want to see at this stage in my life is a useful book on seperatism for the tragically het (and I do include myself) without attendant tearing down women who can't or won't. So I guess this is for them.

[Melissa Cutler · Rating 2 out of 5]

DNFing at 50%
I had a lot of big problems with this book, but I've already devoted enough energy to it, so I'm not going to bother outlining them here. Next.

[Hannie_L · Rating 4 out of 5]

4.5 stars rounded down.

I feel like this was an inclusive look at achieving equality in the household. I have an amazing partner, but I have always struggled with feeling guilt when I allow them to do tasks my subconscious thinks I should be doing in the female role. I appreciated all of the pre- and post- Covid research, the stories from all different types of couples, and the strategies to recognize and work toward a totally equal partnership! I learned a lot.

Only reason that it’s not 5 stars is because it definitely reads as a book more for parents, even though the author says it’s not supposed to. Parenting seemed like the dominant theme.

Overall, this book is underrated and I really think everyone who strives for gender equality in their life should read it! Especially those raising the next generation.

[Emily · Rating 4 out of 5]

I started this book for a work event, but I think it was an interesting read! There were points that felt a bit obvious and repetitive, but overall, I feel like I learned some useful tools for supporting gender equality and equity both at home and in the workplace.

[Ashley · Rating 5 out of 5]

Quil and I have finally finished the book! We’ve had 2 chapters left for like 3 months lol. I’ve recommended this book so many times to people & couples and it still stands!! Some were reminders and some things were new. Really enjoyed :)

[John · Rating 5 out of 5]

The first portion of this book was genuinely helpful, probably the best advice I’ve read for couples that both identify as feminist but still reproduce gender inequality at home.

The concept of the gendered dimension of the planning work that goes into a relationship, especially the difference between regular maintenance and “noticing” work, is very helpful.

The other parts of the book are more routine, and are things that most people who read about gender have already seen a bunch of articles on.

Still, strong recommend for that first section.

[William Hipschman · Rating 3 out of 5]

As always, good to have this perspective and always a good reminder. I think Fair Play did this much better from a practical view, despite having the same challenges re: not writing for a tradtionally male audience. Would love to see the this approached w/ the perspective of "A Will to Change". Everything I've read so far (while having good content) feels a bit like a pat on the back to busy moms. That's awesome, but not great content to give to a man/boy who hasn't worked with this content before.

I resonate with this review: w/ https://www.goodreads.com/review/show...

Feels like it lacks an audience... is it for traditionally female people...if so it feels weird that it focuses so much on "men/boys need to change" and "how to date well" and "here's stories about men". Is it for traditionally male people...if so it fails for me--things like "Men are hurt by unequal roles just as much" ...followed directly by "men benefit from patriarchy that's why they don't change" doesn't check out. Bell Hooks felt like she understood men and my male perspective when writing about how patriarchy impacts them re: love. This author doesn't feel like she understands.

Inconsistent use of gendered/sex-ed language. Identifies male-gendered behaviors and roles and treats them as "needs improvement" but when identifying female-gendered behaviors treats them as good/necessary and something everyone likes without any analysis that isn't anecdotal. This makes it harder to read from my male-role perspective. Phrases like "..we all just have to work together to raise our sons to measure up to the standards that we have for our daughters..." to me entirely miss the point. The standards we have for BOTH our sons and our daughters distorted by patriarchy.

The class of people involved is not often mentioned. The author spends a decent amount of time intentionally not talking about bringing in help because most people can't afford it (probably correct) but then uses examples that to me read as privileged: "long lineup of extracurricular activities, elaborate birthday parties, and organic lunches"

All in all, I think this was fine. The objective was good and the execution was meh.

[Richard Carilo · Rating 4 out of 5]

Critical Score: 4.25
Personal Score: 4
Total Score: 8.25

[Nicole · Rating 5 out of 5]

Suggested by my psychologist! This was a really eye opening read. Lots of relatable real-life scenarios from people of all backgrounds, genders, races, religions, and sexual identities. Lots of thought-provoking exercises for reflection.

[Elizabeth Mellen · Rating 5 out of 5]

Thanks to Netgalley, St. Martin’s Press and Macmillan Audio for the ARC/audio ARC of this!

The author took on such an interesting project here, redefining archetypes and expectations - and then using the Equal Partner definition to go out an interview men who are getting things right when it comes to gender roles in the family/home. I really enjoyed hearing them talk about their relationships and how they function, and I think it could inspire other men (or partners of any gender who are not stepping up to be an equal partner) without making them feel bad about themselves. I especially found the ideas for raising children to be eventual competent adults and someone’s potential Equal Partner to be very useful and while maybe not my natural instinct also not too hard to begin implementing - especially the idea of teaching children of all genders to be “Noticers”

[Katie Alleven · Rating 4 out of 5]

4.5 stars - Very relevant book for this day and age. It was interesting to look deeply into the types of inequalities that exist in the household - and to realize that there are several ways that my husband and I fall into the typical gender roles/household stereotypes (more than we already knew about). The book provides background into why these gender roles exist and practical solutions for addressing them, in our immediate lives (including with family and friends) and for society at large. I liked the interviews with people of all backgrounds. Very thought-provoking.

I appreciated that this book was inclusive of all genders and relationship pairings. I would like to reread it (or parts of it) every few years as a mental check-in to see how progress is coming for me/those around me, and especially around raising a son who values equal partnerships.

[Bailey · Rating 5 out of 5]

I recommend this to everyone whether you're in a partnership or not!

This was the most inclusive discussion around gender norms I have been exposed to with great examples from a diverse group of people. Includes talk about how to improve household management, raise children outside of gender norms, and improve gendered behavior in the workplace. Worth a read!

[Laura · Rating 4 out of 5]

Thought I knew everything there was to know about this topic, but I was wrong. I learned so much: maternal gatekeeping, cognitive labor, the importance of job quality and labor rights outside the home, and the effect of children on the division of workload among partners. It's scary how women (and people in the female-role) still do an average of 65% of housework despite working fulltime. Gains for women's rights at work and in the public sphere have not translated to gains at home. Very inclusive of LGBTQ couples. Highly recommend.

[Bethany Wilson · Rating 5 out of 5]

Loved this book. My partner and I read the first half together and I found all the questions really thought provoking and sparked great conversations. The second half also has practical things but dives deeper into other peoples relationships which is very interesting. Highly recommend - especially to parents to be.

[Wendy Bunnell · Rating 3 out of 5]

Interesting read. Not sure how to apply it to my life, as I'm the primary breadwinner married to a SAHD.

[Hadeel Othman · Rating 5 out of 5]

If you're getting married or pursuing any kind of long term relationship, this is the book you and your partner need to read.

[Carly · Rating 5 out of 5]

4.5 rounded up. Very insightful!

[Quil Espiritu · Rating 5 out of 5]

Everybody read it. I guarantee at least one story or statistic or definition for something you couldn’t quite name before is going to resonate with you or someone you love. Easy to read, easy to discuss with a partner or a sibling or a friend.

[Stephanie · Rating 3 out of 5]

The tortured syntax the author pursued to conform with gender ideology was painful to read. When she sets it aside, it flows much better.

[Sarah · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a fascinating book about what gender equality in the home looks like, and how it can be achieved. It's aimed at both those who are looking to find gender parity in the home and those who would like to help those around them achieve gender parity. It's full of practices you can try to figure out what your values you and what gender equality would look like in your relationship and your home.

Thanks to netgalley and the publisher for an copy of this ARC in exchange for an honest review.

[Adrienne · Rating 5 out of 5]

While I can’t say every chapter applied to me (not having a kid), I found this book so helpful and even eye-opening in that she connected what I was experiencing and feeling in my life with systemic inequality that helped me feel seen and understood but also provided that depth for how these feelings came to exist in the first place. It spurred an initial difficult conversation with my partner that has, so far, led to greater communication between us and so much less unhappiness on my end. This book is going to be a cornerstone in how my partner and I become the people for each other that we each need for a truly equal relationship. I’m glad I read it, and I’m looking forward to hearing what my partner thinks once he’s read it, and the ongoing conversations it will inspire.

[Kelly · Rating 5 out of 5]

Phenomenal nonfiction/self-help discussing gender equity on many levels. Very well written with great examples and qualitative research (descriptive analysis) of real couples.

The author was extremely intentional to be inclusive of all relationships and gender pairings. Relationship dynamics are different for each couple based on many factors: gender, race, nationality, gender norms, family history, etc. Therefore, it can be hard to have statistics on relationships when the variables aren't accounted for. EQUAL PARTNERS provided examples of male-female and same sex couples showing how gender equity plays out in our homes.

The book FAIR PLAY is mentioned in this book since it's currently popular. This book far surpasses it, IMO. I will definitely be coming back to EQUAL PARTNERS to utilize the many suggestions of how to have a more balanced relationship.

Thanks to the San Diego County Library for the digital audio version via Libby app.

[Audio: 9 hours, 58 minutes]

[Sarah · Rating 4 out of 5]

Conflicted on how to review this book. I am glad I read it. I read it in one day (I was on vacation from work, hence the ability to read an entire book in one day). As I was reading it, I was miffed that I was spending my time reading a book about things I already know and people who SHOULD read this book (or would benefit from reading this book) will never ever ever read it. Which, is the whole problem. But she did have some good ideas that I have implemented in my household that have been useful!

[Leslie Sherman · Rating 4 out of 5]

Great book, easy to read, very interesting. Made me think about the division of labor in my own house and my values and how I want to improve on that. I don’t really think it had enough practical solutions in it, so it loses a star for that. The absolute best thing from this book was the concept of “noticing time,” an activity the author does with her children to teach them an important life skill, where they set a timer and everybody goes around the house noticing something that needs to be done and then doing it. My husband and I utilize this together and it’s made a huge difference (he’s historically a bad noticer and I’m historically a procrastinator so it’s helped both of us improve our weaknesses).

The book is much gentler than Fair Play (which I think is a good thing, not just for men to be able to hear it better but also to not make women get even more enraged as they realize how truly unfair the situation is), but I do think Fair Play gives a better action plan of what to do next.