Unexpecting: Real Talk on Pregnancy Loss

by Rachel Lewis

What to Expect When You're No Longer Expecting When your baby dies, you find yourself in a life you never expected. And even though pregnancy and infant loss are common, they're not common to you. Instead, you feel like a stranger in your own body, surrounded by well-meaning people who often don't know how to support you.What you need during this time is not a book offering easy answers. You need a safe place to help you navigate what comes next, such  · Coping with a postpartum body without a baby in your arms.· Facing social isolation and grief invalidation.· Wrestling with faith when you feel let down by God.· Dealing with the overwhelming process of making everyday decisions.· Learning to move forward after loss.· Creating a legacy for your child. In Unexpecting, bereaved mom Rachel Lewis is the friend you never knew you'd need, walking you through the unique grief of baby loss. When nothing about life after loss makes sense . . . this book will."The guide that all parents experiencing pregnancy loss need when leaving the hospital grief-stricken, without a baby in their arms."--LINDSEY M. HENKE, founder of Pregnancy After Loss Support

Genres: Grief, Nonfiction, Parenting, Memoir, Self Help, Death, Mental Health

248 pages, Kindle Edition

Published August 10, 2021

Reviews

[Maria Feliciano · Rating 5 out of 5]

If you’ve ever had to walk the fire of pregnancy loss , this book makes you feel validated in all of your feelings . Grief is not linear , and life after loss can and will be beautiful on your own terms .

[Jessica Lackey · Rating 4 out of 5]

Though often hard to read, I found it very validating and honest. I often thought to myself “I wish my family and friends would read this also.” If you yourself have lost babies or know someone who has (and statistically, you do), I recommend this.

[Erika Britton · Rating 5 out of 5]

I wish I didn’t need this book, but I’m glad it exists. I lost my daughter halfway through my pregnancy last month. Rachel’s words are exactly how I feel. It’s almost like I could have written this book myself. There might be only 3 chapters that don’t really apply to me. Otherwise, I feel like the author is writing about my exact experience with pregnancy loss. I am not the same person I used to be, and that’s okay. This book makes me feel like I am doing the best i can for myself right now and validates my grief and emotions. Thank you to the author for writing this. Although I have finished it, I will be keeping it by my side to access when I need to.

[Nathan Albright · Rating 3 out of 5]

[Note: This book was provided free of charge by Bethany House Publishing in exchange for an honest review. All thoughts and opinions are my own.]

Although this book is about a heartbreaking subject, the loss of a beloved unborn child to a miscarriage or stillbirth, there was something about this book that deeply bothered me. One could write a deeply affecting book by talking about the personal loss and grief suffered when one has hoped for a child and it dies before drawing breath in our troubled world and the repercussions that loss carries with it over the years. One can write a book that is written dispassionately and grimly scientifically about the biological realities relating to miscarriages and their results for the mother. This book, uncomfortably, tries both approaches, and it is the combination of the two that accounts for my own less than pleasant feelings about this book. It is as if the author wants to simultaneously write as a form of therapy while also presenting herself as some sort of objective authority to a painful and unpleasant subject, and both the subjective emotional and "objective" scientific sides of this book are presented in an rather heavy-handed manner that alienates readers who might have been prone to be more sympathetic if the right tone had been struck.

This book is about 250 pages and is divided into four parts that express different parts of the author's journey through dealing with miscarriage. The first part deals with the loss itself and how it affects various aspects of the mother's life, ending with some journal prompts for those in this position. After that come several chapters that deal with lament, with the triggers and struggle with faith and complicated feelings that follow a loss as one comes to terms with not having the chance for one's child to live as one had hoped and planned. The third part, probably the part of the book I appreciated the most, looks at the love that fathers and mothers have for the lost child and how this is to be expressed by both parents. After that the fourth part looks at the legacy of a lost child, including the question of whether one is to try again to bear another a child as well as deal with parenting after a loss and seeking a legacy for a child that did not live in life but which still lives on in one's mind. After that there are appendices that deal with questions with rights (i) and suggested reading (ii) as well as support resources (iii), followed by acknowledgements and endnotes.

[Elizabeth Mckenzie · Rating 5 out of 5]

Eight years ago I was introduced to Rachel’s blog. It provided me with the support I needed and I’m so thrilled she has now written a book. I’m so glad that now I can refer others to her book for the same support and honesty that is so valuable after a loss. I wish I had this book 8 years ago but it’s still providing me with comfort and healing I didn’t fully realize I still needed.

[Shaimaa]

[وأمَّا الحَشا منِّي فإنِّي امتحَنْتُها
وأدنيتُ منها الجَمْرَ فاحْتَرَقَ الجَمْرُ]

[Marie C · Rating 5 out of 5]

I wish I had found this earlier in my grief. This book made me feel so seen and understood.

[Jessie · Rating 5 out of 5]

I found this book about 3 weeks after my MMC. I was in such a dark stage of grief that I could barely function. I was so angry and so sad and felt so misunderstood. This book helped me realize I wasn’t alone and that my feelings were valid. I’ve never highlighted so many quotes in an e-book before and I know I will refer back to them often. I’m so grateful for this book.

[Angela Blount · Rating 4 out of 5]

(Rounding up to 4 stars, because I did feel the material was more helpful than not. And it stands to be a decent resource for both the grieving and those wishing to support those who've suffered a loss.)

While this is touted as a Christian book from a Christian publisher, it bears noting that the author sometimes makes a New-Age-Lite appeal--mentioning God (or the universe), as well as encouraging meditation and Yoga. I know I found this a bit off-putting, and respect that some readers may find such pandering unpalatable.

As far as format goes, the combination of the author's personal account--along with matter-of-factly delivered statistics/studies and regularly interspersed quotes from others with sub-topic relevant pregnancy loss experiences--had a bit of a jerky effect on the flow of things. (Don't get me wrong, I very much appreciate data. It just didn't have the smoothest effect on how it landed.) It felt a bit schizophrenic--jumping back and forth from heartfelt memoir to cool, clinical, non-fiction guide.

As far as content goes, Lewis does a fine job early on of pointing out Western culture's consistent failure to healthfully confront and deal with death--and by extension, grief. She also highlights the prevalent issue our society has with validating the depth of grief that often accompanies miscarriage. And with that, the resulting minimization and/or dismissal by (supposedly) well-meaning people.

"We are not taught how to mourn for these lives, because we are not taught that they are worthy of mourning."

I must applaud Lewis for offering grief recognition not exclusively to bereaved parents, but to those collaterally damaged by the loss. (As someone with a lost sibling, I very much appreciated the consideration.)

A common misconception is that baby loss is a singular loss. And once you've accepted your loss, you can move on. This flawed theory fails to account for secondary losses such as these:
-Your parents' relationship with their grandchild.
-Your living children's relationship with their sibling.
-The empty seat at the dinner table.
-Watching your child achieve milestones.
-Knowing who your child would have been.

This reader also appreciated being introduced to a Hebrew word that has helped give a broader conception to an aspect of pregnancy loss I hadn't had the vocabulary for:
Yahrzeit = The anniversary of a death in Judaism

And though I'm left with some mixed feelings about this book, I'd like to end this review with a quote from it that I felt made it worthwhile. Consider it a sort of benediction:

“Wherever you find yourself today, I hope that God will meet you in your place of pain. That he will sit in your brokenness with you as only another bereaved parent can.”

[Amy C. · Rating 5 out of 5]

In the 6 years since my stillbirth, I haven't found a book that provided such immense validation and so strongly resonated with me the way this one has. Unexpecting beautifully weaves components of the author's personal journey, various perspectives from bereaved families, and insightful research to provide an honest look at pregnancy loss and grief's many intricate components. I truly appreciate that Rachel doesn't shy away from discussing the ugly and uncomfortable aspects of grief but does so in a way that is easily processed by the reader and not overbearing. This book meets you where you are at in your grief; you are given the space (and encouragement) to feel and do what's best for you in your own grief experience all while being gently guided and supported. It truly is a wonderful resource for anyone who has experienced pregnancy loss.

[Bethany · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is EXACTLY what I needed. I’ve been having such a difficult time dealing with the loss of my baby. I was told years ago I may never get pregnant without medical intervention, and so when I did, only to have it end in loss, I was devastated.

Within the first couple of pages, I was crying. Rachel described EVERY emotion I’ve been feeling. This book was incredibly validating. Raw, open, honest. It is definitely one I will recommend to anyone who has experienced infant loss!

Thank you Rachel, for writing this. I’m so grateful to have this wonderful resource as I learn to navigate my life after loss.

[Lani Baclian · Rating 5 out of 5]

I recently suffered a pregnancy loss, and I felt so lost. Miscarriages occur more frequently than we think, but since it is such a sad and uncomfortable subject to talk about, people rarely speak about it.

I've always turned to books to make sense of the world, and I was fortunate to stumble upon this one. Once I started reading it, it felt like I was listening to a friend who saw my pain and understood what I was going through.

This book isn't for everyone, but if you know someone who's experienced a pregnancy loss, I recommend this book.

[Christa · Rating 5 out of 5]

“I know you are anxious for me to feel better. But I will never get over losing my baby. I'll learn to keep going. But I'll never be the same.”

[Panda Incognito · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is full of compassionate wisdom for mothers and fathers dealing with pregnancy loss, stillbirth, and early infant death. The author, Rachel Lewis, writes with raw emotion and tender compassion, sharing about her own experiences, what she has learned from research, and what she and other bereaved parents have learned through their grief journeys. Regardless of the details of someone's loss, they will find elements of this book helpful and reassuring, and in addition to sharing her own story, Lewis includes regular testimonials from other parents about the specifics of their journeys. Unexpecting isn't about just one type of loss, or one way of dealing with a child's death, but covers a wide range of reactions, emotions, life situations, and specific struggles.

Near the beginning, Lewis explains that when she first faced pregnancy loss, she couldn't find an adequate book to help her. She planned to someday fill that gap, and in addition to building a successful blog that has reached other loss parents, she has now written this book, sensitively addressing a variety of issues that grieving parents face. Throughout the book, she writes about many different topics, including making medical decisions after loss, dealing with grief triggers, brain fog, and ongoing emotional upheaval, helping other children grieve, considering future pregnancy, and dealing with the unique dynamics of expecting again after loss, if parents choose to and are able to conceive again. She writes about a wide range of different concerns, which I have never seen represented so well within one book, and she also addresses common issues related to enduring other people's hurtful comments and advice.

Lewis specifically addresses hurtful platitudes that are common in Christian circles, but she does not presume that the reader is a Christian. Throughout the book, she writes in a gracious, open-handed way to people with different backgrounds, and even though one chapter specifically focuses on faith, the majority of the book does not use spiritual language, encourage people to rely on God, or focus on dynamics specific to believers. This keeps the book accessible and helpful to people from any background, but because this book is from a Christian publisher, some readers may be disappointed that Lewis does not delve in deeper with faith-related content. If someone is looking for a Christian perspective on miscarriage, I would encourage them to read this book alongside others, such as the Abby Wedgeworth devotional Held: 31 Biblical Reflections on God's Comfort and Care in the Sorrow of Miscarriage .

Rachel Lewis divided this book's content under the four themes of loss, lament, love, and legacy. The chapters are all short and easy to read, with lots of headings in bold above different paragraphs. This makes it easy for someone to flip through and spot sections that are especially relevant to them, and the simple organization and short sections work well for grieving people with limited time and mental and emotional bandwidth to read. This book is very well-written and carefully organized, and is exceptional in its inclusion of fathers with mothers, both in terms of the book's content and the testimonials Lewis shares. Like many other books, Unexpecting includes a chapter specific to dads, but it also mentions and addresses them throughout the course of the whole book.

Unexpecting is a wonderful resource for grieving parents. I would highly recommend it to moms and dads, and to loved ones and helpers who want to understand what bereaved parents are going through. Even though this book deals with heavy topics, Lewis wrote it in a way that is easy to read, with short, well-organized sections, and her deeply compassionate writing can help and encourage people no matter where they are in their grief journey. This is one of the best and most comprehensive books about pregnancy loss that I know of, and I would highly recommend it.

I received a free copy of this book from the publisher in exchange for an honest review.

[Alex Jacobson · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is a gift. An incredible resource for those currently experiencing loss and equally valuable for those who have ever lost a child, or as a loved one supporting a loss family. Author Rachel Lewis created a tool and a companion to carry during and after loss that is a priceless gift.

She formatted the book in an easily digestible way, you can jump around as your needs dictate or read it cover to cover. With each page turn Lewis helps you process, sit in your own unique story and also validates your experience. She provides space for the reader that is often hard to create or come by. This precious gift of time and space, and the inclusion of others’ words and stories keeps the audience broad and the message inclusive.

No matter when or how you faced loss, “Unexpecting” is for you. Finally, we have a book, a compilation of experiences and also a love letter from a fellow loss parent, that can be freely gifted and used by loss parents and family who just don’t know what is next. The journal prompts help facilitate healing and grieving. Whether you are currently experiencing loss or are years ‘past it’ in time (because really we may never be ‘past it’) this book will help. I know because it helped me.

I have already purchased multiple copies to have readily available and per the author’s suggestion will gift it freely to those I encounter going through loss. I’ll do so with no expectation that they read any or all of it, offering to read it with them, or to receive the book back read or unread. Knowing that if they will feel more known, understood and not alone if they are able to read. And if they cannot… I am more equipped to sit with them.

If you have never experienced loss, as 1 in 4 women do (and beyond that they represent so many more who are impacted,) this book is still one to read. Read to understand because you will one day be grateful for the way this opened your mind to grief, even if it is only the grief of others.

[Sloane Sylling · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is such an important book. I lost my baby 8 years ago. At the time, I felt lonely about it and it seemed as though so many people around me didn’t know what to say or how to act. It was a topic of secrecy..which was only more isolating. I remember feeling frustrated that family members wanted me to just move on as if nothing had happened. I wish I’d had this book then.

Even all of these years later, this book still helped me. Our pain lives inside us long after the traumatic time has passed. Processing it is healing, whether it happened 2 months ago or many years. Processing also doesn’t mean forgetting. This book creates space for remembering and honoring your baby and yourself.

I love that Rachel included information about what our bodies go through after baby loss. I appreciated the perspective of male partners offered in the book.

Unexpected is affirming of our real and valid pain.

[Emma Hinkle · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book is broken up into four sections that walk someone through a pregnancy loss. It's written in a conversational, friend-to-friend way and includes anecdotes from others (women and men) who have gone through pregnancy loss.

There were a lot of helpful pieces of advice in this book. I think this book will really resonate for some people, but it didn't for me. I felt like Lewis was telling me how to feel in some cases and using a lot of words like 'you should expect xyz' or 'you deserve...' or 'you have the right to...' and being pretty dogmatic about telling someone grieving that they should be OK to think/do/say anything. I also did not agree with Lewis' theology of God's will and found the treatment of that offputting, but acknowledge that it was indicated that not everyone will agree and she doesn't expect everyone to.

The completionist in me finished this book when in reality I should have put it down or skipped some chapters. I acknowledge while writing this that I'm still grieving and that clouds my interpretation of the book based on what is/isn't hard for me right now.

[Laney Poye · Rating 4 out of 5]

Pregnancy and infant loss is one of the most difficult human experiences that we face - there is an unnaturalness to losing a child (or the expectation of a child). There are also a thousand landmines onto which well-meaning but unexperienced loved ones routinely step. You can read my full interview with author and loss mom Rachel Lewis here: https://preeclampsia.org/the-news/com...

This book is for a select audience, and I hope that the women and men to whom I recommend it find solace between its pages. That it resonates and provides their souls just a bit of peace in what is otherwise the suckiest situation a parent can face.

[Quinn · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book has really helped me begin to heal after my miscarriage. It has validated all of my feelings, and I especially loved hearing all of the stories from the other loss parents. Even though Lewis is religious herself, she’s never pushy about it, which I really appreciated. The way the book is organized is very helpful to guide you through different moments in your loss and grief journey. The journal prompts and all of the listed resources are a wonderful addition. I look forward to using this again and again.

I hope you never have to go through what I have, but if you do, I highly recommend this resource.

[Lauren Tippins · Rating 5 out of 5]

There wasn’t a single topic, worry, or intrusive thought that wasn’t addressed in this book. I didn’t realize this was a Christian book until I purchased it, but it made me further appreciate the validation the author gave that it’s ok to question your faith, that the loss of a child is never God’s will, and people saying that they are “praying for you” will never be enough. This book made me feel a little less lonely in this isolating and confusing experience.

[Heather · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was a really great book about a tough topic. I have never experienced pregnancy loss, but I know others who have, and I have experienced other loss. The author has really good advice on grief that is grounded in research I had read before and learned in a GriefShare group. There is so much bad advice out there on grief, it is always refreshing to hear helpful and true information. I would think this book would be great for any parent, male or female, who has gone through the loss of a baby at any stage.

[Ashlee · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is a gift. This book really helped me process a lot of the emotions I haven’t gotten to talk through.

While I wish I would’ve read this sooner after my loss, it was still so impactful, even months after. I especially liked the legacy portion.

(Is it a little weird to share about my loss on Goodreads when I really haven’t spoken much about it publicly? Yeah, absolutely. But if my review can help even one person, it’s worth it.)

[Hayley Evans · Rating 5 out of 5]

thank you rachel 💗

[Kayla Paige · Rating 4 out of 5]

Useful and written in a way that was easy to digest. Thankful to have this resource

[Allie Szostak · Rating 2 out of 5]

Not the book I was looking for entirely. No data, just stories. If anything read chapter 15 on platitudes and chapter 18 on grief triggers.

[Brooke Gardner · Rating 5 out of 5]

I *hate* that this book is one I felt pulled to read but I'm so happy I found it. It validated every single emotion and phase of this grief journey so far. I would recommend it to anyone with a loss.🩷🌈

[Brooke Bateman · Rating 5 out of 5]

I only wish I had found this book earlier. It's helped me through my grief and processing of recurrent pregnancy loss in a way no other book on the topic has. Having just experienced my 7th loss I picked this up, and it has helped me feel not so alone in my grief and experiences.

[Abbey Miller · Rating 5 out of 5]

❤️‍🩹

[Aurelia Mast-glick · Rating 3 out of 5]

Unexpecting: Real Talk on Pregnancy Loss - By: Rachel Lewis
real talk on pregnancy loss

I'm not quite sure how to start this book review. Two chapters into the book, this is what I said, "This is the book I wish I would have had nine years ago after my first miscarriage. I'm only two chapters in and, while time has lessened the feelings, I can relate so much."

Rachel shares her experiences with miscarriages and also snippets from many others and it all blends together to create this book. There are four sections to the book: loss, lament, love, and legacy. Rachel would hold that there is no wrong way to grieve and I do agree with that as a concept. I think individually, we can get off track at times. I know I did and I went down the route of self-pity, which, I suppose, could be argued that that was not grieving. However, overall, everyone grieves differently and we need to give each other room for those differences and show compassion and seek to understand as best as we can.

Where this book started to lose me is in the inclusive nature that Rachel tried to show throughout this book. She wanted to include everyone, no matter their faith or if they even had any faith, to try to help them process their grief. This was supposed to be a Christian book and I found God sadly missing. And to me, the only thing that can help me cope with the loss of my babies is God and the comfort He provides through His Word and through the promise of seeing my babies again. This book seemed largely to lift yourself up by your own bootstraps, to do what is right for you, and all other people need to get on board with you and support you.

And so, while there was so much good in this book, I would hesitate to recommend it to anyone who has lost a baby, simply because I find the most important aspect of grief missing, the comfort that Jesus brings. She does have a small section on faith where she talks about her struggle and you get the idea she came out with a reliance on God, but she wants to make room for others to grapple with their own beliefs whatever they may be. For me, I'm not comfortable with that.

I received this book from Bethany House and was not required to write a positive review. All opinions expressed are my own.

[Karey · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is not perfect, but grief on pregnancy and infant loss is not some universal subject that is going to fit everyone's situation. No one is going to be able to write a book that will be able to fully cover every type of pregnancy and infant loss. But Rachel Lewis does a beautiful job helping both women and men understand that you can feel any type of way and that there is no right or wrong way to grieve the loss of your baby. I found that this book was hard to read as my mind is in a place that I don't understand. But listening to this book was like having a friend speak to you in an exact way that you need during this time. Whether you have experienced infertility, a miscarriage, a still birth or infant loss I truly believe that this book has a section that can resignate with you regardless of whether this is something you're going through currently or something you experienced months or years ago. I have experienced two losses back to back and both were extremely different circumstances. In August of 2022 I experienced a miscarriage at 9 weeks and then one year later, we experienced a neonatal loss with our rainbow baby at almost 28 weeks pregnant. Our daughter was diagnosed with a Sacrococcygeal Taratoma at her 20 week anatomy scan and at 27 weeks and 5 days our daughter was delivered to have her tumor resected as it was beginning to cause staring on her heart. 9 hours after her birth and a successful resection, our beautiful baby girl lost her life as her little body had been through too much. Both of these losses have been hard in different ways and in combined ways and this book has helped me process things from each of those losses. Thank you, Rachel, for writing what it was you needed during your time of grief but could not find so that others in the depths of grief aren't without.