Cách đàn ông nghĩ sách "gối đầu giường" của người phụ nữ hiện đại

by Shawn T. Smith

Một trong những chân lý cuộc sống là cả đàn ông và phụ nữ đều hoang mang về suy nghĩ của nhau, và thường có một danh sách dài các thắc mắc dành cho đối phương. Tuy nhiên, nhìn chung, cả hai giới đều muốn hướng đến một mối quan hệ hòa hợp - đặc biệt là khi có sự lãng mạn liên quan.
Cách đàn ông nghĩ không phải là cuốn sách khuyên đàn ông nên giống phụ nữ như thế nào mà chỉ nói về cách đàn ông thực sự suy nghĩ như thế nào, và phụ nữ có thể sử dụng hiểu biết này để có được những gì họ cần từ mối quan hệ của họ.

Genres: Relationships, Self Help, Marriage, Psychology, Nonfiction

279 pages, Paperback

First published January 1, 2014

Reviews

[Julie Valerie · Rating 5 out of 5]

The Woman’s Guide to How Men Think: Love, Commitment and the Male Mind by Shawn T. Smith, PsyD, is every bit as good as the wildly popular book, Men Are From Mars Women Are From Venus by John Gray, Ph.D.

Clear explanations show why men do what they do and why they think the way they think. The text is engaging and thoughtful, easy to understand and apply to daily life, and funny; a must-read tutorial for both men and women. Creative subheadings provide useful structure to the conversation in the book. The length of the chapters and topics is perfect with writing that is humorous, thoughtful, and to the point.

Smith provides many useful “real life” scenarios such as why changing a woman’s oil is like reading her a love poem. “We simply find clean oil to be more useful than Lord Byron’s ‘She Walks in Beauty’ because we want you to be safe and happy.”

Highly recommended.

[Jaimie Lusk · Rating 5 out of 5]

Dr. Smith goes beyond surface level stereotypes about men and women, exploring general differences in problem solving, communication styles, values, and cultural conditioning that are well supported by social and evolutionary psychology research. Dr. Smith is quick to point out that he is addressing tendencies, not particulars. In fact, he continues to assert that there are no male or female traits, but traits that one gender possesses on average more than the other. At the same time, his book is full of clinical examples and qualitative data that illustrate common patterns in male-female relationships. Overall, the book points out that differences can be celebrated, and that people can learn to recognize and accept their partner's strengths and limitations. I recognized myself and my partner in several of the vignettes, and have scored some points with my mate since reading the book.

[Denise Morse · Rating 3 out of 5]

I am very mixed about this book. On one hand, it did have some helpful explanations of common male behavior like their tendency to clam up during arguments and some of the evolutionary reasons for their actions. On the other hand, it totally seemed to give a free pass towards males and their reactions. At times, it had a tone like "its just his nature, so adjust yourself." I think with marriage there are times when you need to adjust your behavior and tone but not at all times of course. There are no free passes for bad behavior. All in all though, an interesting read and definitely not a bad book

[Meriem Akin · Rating 3 out of 5]

I took two main notes from this book: (1) That ALL men have secondary emotional reactions (anger, withdrawal, humour etc.) that subconsciously cover up their primary emotional reactions (sadness, disappointment, sorrow etc.), a trained skill of men since childhood to remain strong and tough in front of everyone. That it is beneficial for women to figure out what the primary emotional reaction could be to be able to understand men and to have better relationships with them. This is somehow opposite to taking men literally by their words and actions as they are and not interpreting different things in them. (2) That giving up (and you should name it differently, positively such as acceptance within safe boundaries) on arguments and requirements with GOOD men can be the solution to reaching your goals and having a better relationship with men. This is also somehow opposite to “fighting” until the end for what you want.

[Stephanie Wyss · Rating 1 out of 5]

This book is antiquated and comes across as a book where women should talk less and put out more. It offers no real insights into HOW, just a lot of contradictory information and analogies that aren’t written for women (lots of car analogies, and Star Trek quotes). You would be much better equipped for relationships (from a male or female prospective) if you read John Gottman ‘a mans guide to women’. It is much more insightful and clinical. Offers great ways to understand both parties and offers real suggestions that have been studied over years and years. I am probably going to throw this book away because I wouldn’t even want anyone to waste their time reading it.

[Pratishtha Yadav · Rating 4 out of 5]

I think it's a guide for both the genders..

It can be harsh at some point, but truthful upto some extent. It gave a glimpse of a decent male brain !

[Cara · Rating 3 out of 5]

This is a good book, and I believe the information in it is true. I guess I was expecting something I didn't already know. In particular, the description promised:
* The most important thing to men, and how it affects romance
* Why men change after they commit to a woman

and some other stuff. I somehow thought that meant the book would help me learn to keep a guy from curdling. But no, the most important thing to them is to feel like they're doing a good job of everything, including making you happy. They need to feel needed and appreciated. They change after they commit because they're wired to do everything they can to win you. Once they have, a) that shit gets exhausting, and b) they shift into more of a conservative mindset, where instead of taking risks and proving themselves, they focus on providing and protecting.

That is an interesting insight, but what I want them to do is not more stupid motorcycle tricks or something. Providing and protecting sounds great, actually. No problem there.

What I really wanted to know is why guys start out telling me all their feelings and ambitions and worries and dreams. They even tell me how their day went, and they seem genuinely interested in hearing about mine. But as time goes on, it seems like they all stop wanting to tell me their stuff or hear about mine, and I move from closest confidant to outsider. According to this book, that happens because they no longer feel safe talking to me. But I know not to be all bitchy and critical. I think of myself as a big cheerleader--maybe too much so at times, if anything. So either a) this book is wrong, b) there's another factor here that we haven't considered that has the same effect, or c) I'm secretly a giant bitch despite my best intentions, and I just don't know it. Or I guess it could be d) I'm not picking "good men" as defined here.

All I know is, I already knew almost everything in this book, and I work really hard not to slice people when I'm upset with them, and my natural tendency is to appreciate the shit out of any time anyone is nice to me. So many of the things this book says men wish we would do, I swear I do. And yet, I've still created the same shitty relationship described in here, over and over.

Overall, I found this an unexpectedly depressing read. On the other hand, if this book is right and guys really do want us to be #1 in their lives and they basically live to make us happy, that's a hopeful idea. I do know some guys that this is definitely true of, so I guess I need to make sure I choose one like that next time.

Notes:
p. 86
Why men get silent when faced with conflict:
"- Men Ain't Supposed to Talk
- We Feel We Cannot Win
- We Get Angry
- It Pains Us to Argue with You"

I do understand shutting up when angry so as not to say something to make things worse, and needing to process. I do those myself. And it seems reassuring to know that men are just as bothered by conflicts as I am--the silence doesn't indicate indifference, which is how I've interpreted it many times.

p. 122
What to do when you want more and he runs away (or other patterns):
Let go of the struggle, explain that to your partner, and extend a peace offering.
Ex. "Tim, I realize I've been trying to get more intimacy from you, trying to force you to spend more time with me. I realize that what I'm doing is only making things worse for us. I haven't been acting like the person I want to be in our relationship, so I'm going to start being less demanding and more loving."

1. Notice when the pattern is reasserting itself
Ex. "I've notice that whenever I start to feel like you don't want to be with me, I become insistent that you spend more time with me. That seems to drive you away." — make it about the pattern, not the person or the symptoms.

2. Interrupt the pattern
As soon as you notice an indicator feeling, call out the pattern rather than continuing to act within it.

3. Replace the behavior
Maybe take a break. When you come back, discuss the wound, not the arrow. (ex. being afraid he doesn't love you any more, not the number of texts he sends)

p. 136
obvious things not to do: time traveling, not forgiving him, punishing him for talking, expecting him to read your mind, avoiding solutions

p. 143
how to belong in his inner circle: let him please you, give him brownie points, embrace simplicity (realize that there's probably no hidden meaning in what he says, and if he gets his basic needs met, he's probably reasonably content), be specific when you express your needs, weigh his actions as much as his words (ex. changing your oil is one way he says "I love you"), have fun, understand his silence (he's probably processing, protecting himself, regrouping, or recovering—give him space), have sex.

p. 156
"If there's a problem, name it." Be specific.
Ex.
"- I notice that each of us is working really hard to get what we need from each other.
- Does it seem like we've stopped trying to please each other?
- Does it seem to you that I've been making almost all of the decisions lately?"

Why is this so effective?
- makes it easier for both of you to catch it while it's happening
- turns it into a problem-solving opportunity for the male mind
- turns you back into a team attacking this problem together

p. 159
Stop taking responsibility for trying to fix everything. Respect him to work out his shit.
ex. "I'm going to try to resist the urge to corner you into conversations. I don't like the way it makes either of us feel. You know that I'd like to talk. I'm relying on you to help us through this."

p. 161
"It seems like you're shutting down, but I'm pretty sure that's not what you want from our marriage. Can we try to figure out what's going on?"

[Samantha Cutler · Rating 4 out of 5]

I received a copy of this via firstreads. I was excited to receive this since I struggle to figure my husband out. He always seems to be withdrawing since anytime I ask him what he is thinking he says nothing. Come to find out that is normal! If the guy in your life seems impossible to figure out this book could probably help. However, if your guy is just plain crappy, has addictions, and doesn't have a good heart inside then this won't get you anywhere, but if your guy has a good heart then this will help you understand him better. The author does not blame anyone neither the guy or girl for anything, but rather he explain a bit how a male's mind works and gives us tips that can help guys feel less threatened around us and open up more. Of coarse not everything in here will apply to all guys. I found several things that my husband would not fit into, but you should know your guy enough to be able to toss out the generalities that do not fit. However, for the ones that do fit they make so much sense. If you are looking for a book that will tell you how to change your man this is not it and if guys are looking for something to blame it on women this is not it, but if either men or women just want to know more and get some strategies to help each other understand one another and help utilize both of your strengths then give this one a whirl.

[Mike · Rating 3 out of 5]

Good academic references and citations. That was nice.

I’m tired of the psychologist and therapist narrative where they think therapy is the answer to everything. We get it, you faced trauma as a child and want to probe everyone until you think you’re normal. Stop it!The book did a good job of demonstrating when it may be helpful, which was appreciated, but still. I think therapy may be applicable 10% of the time it’s suggested.

There were some well worded insights here, and I can understand why women could feel so confused by men better now. Though I feel the book and its premise are better presented from a man, I feel like there was still a disconnect between the author and the target audience as a direct result of gender.

[Evan Micheals · Rating 3 out of 5]

I have read and liked Shawn T Smith as an author. I believe he get a lot correct about how people generally think. His work is based most strongly on evolutionary psychology, and this is no different. He acknowledges a lot of the miscommunication that can happen between women and men in a similar to John Gray’s Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus, but is able to back it up with scholarly research. It is written in an easily accessible style that is often self depreciating towards men and provides a good explanation for the different motivations in thinking of men and women. I would recommend this book for women who want to understand their ‘good’ men better.

[Tabetha · Rating 3 out of 5]

Think it's a great book for anyone who wants to be in relationships, or even friendships with the opposite gender.

Only gripe is the author is very direct and black-and-white with male and female behavior. Sure he taught lot's of fundamental gender differences I was not aware of and explain so much. But some of them left me feeling a bit inadequate as a woman due to me not relating at all.

When reading this book, keep in mind only the information you think will apply to your situation.

[Mariah · Rating 1 out of 5]

"Men want verbal praise because they want confirmation that they are useful to you." Five minutes later... "Why should men have to communicate like women do?" Aka they don't want to talk to their wives, but want their wives to communicate their praise all the time. This book is just trying to justify the childish actions and feelings of men.

[nelkin · Rating 4 out of 5]

Book with great insight into the average male mind. As someone fairly inexperienced with relationships (and the few experiences that I had turning out badly), looking back I can definitely understand why men behave the way they do. Solid book.

[Nina · Rating 2 out of 5]

A lot of anecdotal stories to support the author's own opinions. Very few studies to support said opinion peppered throughout in an effort to sound somewhat like an authority.

I supposed there were some good parts and some not so good parts. 😕

[Mia Delique · Rating 4 out of 5]

The first ever non fiction book that I finished and I've gained a lot of insights!

[Bethany Grieve · Rating 2 out of 5]

Decent information, though I felt it was a bit repetitive and hard to find tangible ways to apply the information. It gave me a bit more of an understanding, rather.

[Anshu · Rating 5 out of 5]

Excellent

[Judy · Rating 4 out of 5]

I spent 25 years in a career mostly spent working with men. I thought I pretty well understood how they thought and that I probably wouldn't learn that much. But I did learn a thing or two. The author draws heavily on cases from his practice and from a survey that he conducted. Some of the survey comments were surprising. I understood the book to be a way to make communications with the man in your life more effective by understanding some of the negative triggers men have. On the flip side, there were sections for the men to read so they would know how to help and respond positively. As the author pointed out in the beginning, this book does a lot of generalizing; not that helpful for people with serious relationship problems. But if you're looking for ways to improve communication with that special man in your life, there's some good information here for you. I was able to take way a couple of tools that will be helpful in the relationship I currently have. And that's always a good thing!

[Laura Elizabeth · Rating 4 out of 5]

First, I'm not usually into self help books, or atleast ones that haven't seen assigned from my work as encouragement (usually leadership ones). But hey, I never met or heard of anyone having the perfect relationship without fights, and honestly my other half and I have been fighting a little more than usual.

So I read this, thinking it would help find solutions for him... or about him.
But the truth is, I found out where I was going wrong.
And trust me, that's not being said easily.

While some of this is all things we've heard before (or most likely) some is new, and some of it can be hard, and heart-hitting. Read with an open mind, and heart.

[Sheila Gregoire · Rating 5 out of 5]

Very wise, practical and easy to read.

Shawn Smith explains men's main motivations--and why our communication in marriage often goes so wrong simply because we don't understand each other.

Specifically focusing on how women often misunderstand men, he diagnoses the problem and then offers specific solutions for how we can stop getting into relationship quicksand and stop going round and round.

The main message? Men don't like to fail. They need to feel useful. If we women can remember that, our marriages would improve immensely.

This isn't a Christian book, but everything in it has been echoed in the Christian books I've read, and I'd recommend it whole heartedly.

[Christa Smith · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is like the cliff notes for a good relationship. Fortunately I have learned some of the important lessons in this book already but not without several years of struggle first. If I had read this book at he outset of my marriage I would have had such a fantastic head start. Not to mention it's fun and funny and written with expertise as well as compassion for how challenging being in a relationship is for both men and women. I am recommending this book to my clients with gusto!

Dr. Christa Smith

[Nick Turner]

This man's Woman's guide to men (yes it's written by a man) is paternalistic. Doesn't give you ammunition for battle. More, ideas and models of men's behaviour (the models might not be perfect but it gives you a starting place for discussion). It leans towards an accommodationist position - you should be understanding when a good man is bad and not do anything to resist!
Full review to come. I received an advance review copy from the publisher.

[Janet · Rating 4 out of 5]

A woman's guide written by a man.....a secret road map to how men think. I found this book to be both entertaining and informative. Shawn Smith seems to really care about communication between and among the sexes. I found the subject matter intriguing, the writing excellent; the author's voice is both fun and funny. He writes with empathy about the challenges that lie in relationships, both for men and women. Well written and well researched.

[Barbara Battaglia · Rating 5 out of 5]

After reading the book, "The Woman's Guide to How Men Think Love, Commitment and the Male Mind, I found myself referring back to it to remind myself, well, "How Men Think". It made perfect sense each time. All these years, I have been trying to understand and now it's just so simple.

Dr. Smith makes no excuses or apologies for men. He simply tells it like it is in a way that is easy to understand and with real life examples in a funny and light-hearted way.

[Lisa · Rating 3 out of 5]

I would rate this book a 2 1/2. It made some good points and gave me an inside look into the male mind. In turn, I was able to get a new perspective for my husband and handle things differently and better. The one negative which I noticed another reviewer mentioned and I agree with was that the author at times seemed to give a free pass to men and make it like the woman has to do all the work and make all the changes.

[Amy · Rating 5 out of 5]

I was captured from beginning to end of this book. It was amazing to have the opportunity to take a peak into the male mind. Now I have a deeper understanding and appreciation for the men in my life, past and present. Thank you y'all for being the amazing men y'all are!

[Katarina · Rating 3 out of 5]

The book is ok. It's not bad, but there's lots of info that isn't really new, or is just pretty common sense.

I skimmed most of the book, so maybe I missed some important bits, but it was kind of a slow read based on the writing style, and seemed to drag a little.

[Tanya · Rating 4 out of 5]

Easy, fun read. Gives one thought. Interesting book. Never really thought about HOW men think - always use to wonder WHAT they were thinking. Kudos