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Revising Eternity: 27 Latter-day Saint Men Reflect on Modern Relationships
Marriage’s central role in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints distinguishes the faith while simultaneously reflecting widespread American beliefs. But what does Latter-day Saint marriage mean for men? Holly Welker presents a collection of essays exploring this question. The essayists provide insight into challenges involving sexuality, physical and emotional illness, addiction, loss of faith, infidelity, sexual orientation, and other topics. Conversational and heartfelt, the writings reveal the varied experiences of Latter-day Saint marriage against the backdrop of a society transformed by everything from economic issues affecting marriage to evolving ideas about gender. An insightful exploration of the gap between human realities and engrained ideals, Revising Eternity sheds light on how Latter-day Saint men view and experience marriage today.
272 pages, Hardcover
Published May 10, 2022
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Displaying 1 - 5 of 5 reviews
August 17, 2022
I recently picked up a copy of Revising Eternity: 27 Latter Day Saint Men Reflect on Modern Relationships, which tells the story of temple marriages (marriages performed for time and all eternity inside Mormon temples) from the perspective of the male partner.
Some of the marriages discussed in the book end in divorce. Others change shape dramatically as the partners progress through various periods of their lives over the years. Some spouses stop believing in Mormonism, which leaves the other partner in limbo in terms of their eternal marriage. And yet others just keep on keeping on through thick and thin.
The stories are presented in personal-essay form and vary in length. I like the conversational style of the book, where every chapter makes me feel as if I’m sitting with the author over dinner or drinks, listening to him tell his story as if he were talking to a friend or acquaintance.
The stories give the reader a lot to think about. A statistic I once heard, which is probably woefully out of date now, is that Mormon temple marriages fail at a rate of roughly 50%, which matches up with the failure rate of marriages in the general US population. What is going on to cut so many marriages short? What general trends are in play here?
But, really, a better question to ask might be how any marriage survives at all given how little we really know about each other when we decide to tie the knot and how much people change as they live their lives.
Marriage is hard. Weighing your personal freedom against the needs of your partner is always a delicate balance. And, not having any of my own, I can only imagine how children complicate the picture.
Sexual preference further complicates the picture in cases where it is a factor, given that many spouses don’t completely understand their sexuality until they’ve gained experience through marriage. Particularly those who marry young. And it doesn’t help that ecclesiastical leaders, many of whom have little or no experience surrounding alternative sexuality, have been known to counsel gays and lesbians to take a leap of faith, marry, and “pray the gay away”.
I would recommend this book to anyone who is considering getting married and also to ecclesiastical leaders and marriage counselors and, really, anyone who works in some capacity with people who are considering or are already involved in a marriage.
Some of the marriages discussed in the book end in divorce. Others change shape dramatically as the partners progress through various periods of their lives over the years. Some spouses stop believing in Mormonism, which leaves the other partner in limbo in terms of their eternal marriage. And yet others just keep on keeping on through thick and thin.
The stories are presented in personal-essay form and vary in length. I like the conversational style of the book, where every chapter makes me feel as if I’m sitting with the author over dinner or drinks, listening to him tell his story as if he were talking to a friend or acquaintance.
The stories give the reader a lot to think about. A statistic I once heard, which is probably woefully out of date now, is that Mormon temple marriages fail at a rate of roughly 50%, which matches up with the failure rate of marriages in the general US population. What is going on to cut so many marriages short? What general trends are in play here?
But, really, a better question to ask might be how any marriage survives at all given how little we really know about each other when we decide to tie the knot and how much people change as they live their lives.
Marriage is hard. Weighing your personal freedom against the needs of your partner is always a delicate balance. And, not having any of my own, I can only imagine how children complicate the picture.
Sexual preference further complicates the picture in cases where it is a factor, given that many spouses don’t completely understand their sexuality until they’ve gained experience through marriage. Particularly those who marry young. And it doesn’t help that ecclesiastical leaders, many of whom have little or no experience surrounding alternative sexuality, have been known to counsel gays and lesbians to take a leap of faith, marry, and “pray the gay away”.
I would recommend this book to anyone who is considering getting married and also to ecclesiastical leaders and marriage counselors and, really, anyone who works in some capacity with people who are considering or are already involved in a marriage.
May 15, 2022
“I always knew that ‘good Mormon boys’ did three things: they went on missions, graduated from BYU, and married in the temple,” writes Scott Blanding, a gay man who came of age during the 1950’s and ’60’s, and one of the contributors to Holly Welker’s new anthology, Revising Eternity.
A follow-up to Baring Witness, her well-received female take on Mormon dating and marriage, Revising Eternity explores the male experience through the eyes of a diverse group of LDS men, all of them striving to balance strict gospel standards with complex real world challenges.
As with her female subjects, Welker’s male contributors cut across a broad spectrum: straight, gay, bi and transsexual. Believers, and non-believers. Some are divorced, some married, some never married. Some are non-believers with a believing spouse, some the other way around. Some struggle with mental and physical illness.
“There’s a lot of social capital attached to having that big van full of kids,” says Joey Franklin, who questions the traditional gender roles within his faith. Likewise, Stephen Carter, whose home teacher “laughed out loud” when Carter told him he was a stay-at-home dad.
Michael Carpenter obediently adheres to the “good Mormon boy” formula. That is, serving a mission, marrying upon return, and having kids right away. At the same time, finishing his education, supporting his family, and fulfilling his church callings. Unable to meet such unreasonable demands, Carpenter feels like a failure in all his endeavors. It’s a familiar story, and a reminder that the priesthood doesn’t afford many perks for an earnest, well-meaning man who is low on the hierarchal totem pole.
Also not surprising are stories of hasty marriages between couples in their early twenties, some successful, some not, and all with their own challenges. Boyd Jay Petersen’s touching story of his separation from his lesbian wife is a highlight. Also Joseph Broom’s tale of marrying a woman to suppress his sexuality, until Boyd K. Packer’s 2010 talk on the “abomination” of homosexuality becomes the shelf breaker that leads him to the find love of his life.
Of course, sexual repression figures into all of this. An amusing account from Nicholas Don Smith revisits the pre-marital ban on any sexual activity, discussion, or even thoughts. “We just figured…once you got married to your beloved, sexy stuff unlocked like some special feature in a video game.” Having been taught that sex is akin to murder, Smith feared his first act of prepubescent masturbation made him “homicidal.” He went on to be a “serial killer.”
Did all of Welker’s contributors need to leave the gospel behind in order to find happiness? Not necessarily.
As mentioned earlier, some are still active believers, while others merely reapplied the teachings of their faith to their current situations. For example, Andrew Spriggs, whose lingering belief led him to a gay dating app–because it says in Genesis, “It is not good that man should be alone.”
Neither faith promoting nor detracting, Eternity is a compilation fit for the larger Mormon community, an examination of what it was to be a “good Mormon boy” juxtaposed against what it is to be an LDS man today. It is a welcome addition to the body of Mormon studies, and more importantly, it’s a really great read.
A follow-up to Baring Witness, her well-received female take on Mormon dating and marriage, Revising Eternity explores the male experience through the eyes of a diverse group of LDS men, all of them striving to balance strict gospel standards with complex real world challenges.
As with her female subjects, Welker’s male contributors cut across a broad spectrum: straight, gay, bi and transsexual. Believers, and non-believers. Some are divorced, some married, some never married. Some are non-believers with a believing spouse, some the other way around. Some struggle with mental and physical illness.
“There’s a lot of social capital attached to having that big van full of kids,” says Joey Franklin, who questions the traditional gender roles within his faith. Likewise, Stephen Carter, whose home teacher “laughed out loud” when Carter told him he was a stay-at-home dad.
Michael Carpenter obediently adheres to the “good Mormon boy” formula. That is, serving a mission, marrying upon return, and having kids right away. At the same time, finishing his education, supporting his family, and fulfilling his church callings. Unable to meet such unreasonable demands, Carpenter feels like a failure in all his endeavors. It’s a familiar story, and a reminder that the priesthood doesn’t afford many perks for an earnest, well-meaning man who is low on the hierarchal totem pole.
Also not surprising are stories of hasty marriages between couples in their early twenties, some successful, some not, and all with their own challenges. Boyd Jay Petersen’s touching story of his separation from his lesbian wife is a highlight. Also Joseph Broom’s tale of marrying a woman to suppress his sexuality, until Boyd K. Packer’s 2010 talk on the “abomination” of homosexuality becomes the shelf breaker that leads him to the find love of his life.
Of course, sexual repression figures into all of this. An amusing account from Nicholas Don Smith revisits the pre-marital ban on any sexual activity, discussion, or even thoughts. “We just figured…once you got married to your beloved, sexy stuff unlocked like some special feature in a video game.” Having been taught that sex is akin to murder, Smith feared his first act of prepubescent masturbation made him “homicidal.” He went on to be a “serial killer.”
Did all of Welker’s contributors need to leave the gospel behind in order to find happiness? Not necessarily.
As mentioned earlier, some are still active believers, while others merely reapplied the teachings of their faith to their current situations. For example, Andrew Spriggs, whose lingering belief led him to a gay dating app–because it says in Genesis, “It is not good that man should be alone.”
Neither faith promoting nor detracting, Eternity is a compilation fit for the larger Mormon community, an examination of what it was to be a “good Mormon boy” juxtaposed against what it is to be an LDS man today. It is a welcome addition to the body of Mormon studies, and more importantly, it’s a really great read.
September 5, 2022
The cover art is deceiving--this book would not be at home in Deseret Book. It has supplied me with a plethora of existential horrors I had not yet conceived: hetero couples marrying and living in misery due to one of them being gay, past abuse, current abuse, drug addiction, masturbation, a narcissistic desire for polygamy, etc. The many stories of unhappy marriages made me hold my husband a little closer at night.
The first third of the essays are more lighthearted, but still deal with masculine topics like getting a vasectomy and experiencing sexual impotence. Being a woman, I've had zero experience really thinking about these kinds of things. I was able to excuse the uneven quality of the writing for the sheer novelty of having insight into the domestic lives of men. I've read so much on domesticity from a woman's perspective through blogs, memoirs, and personal essays. But I think this was the first time I had read how various Mormon and Mormon-adjacent men feel about it. I appreciated Joey Franklin's candid view on "helping" with childcare and housework:
Another aspect of the collection that I really enjoyed was the diversity of experiences with the LDS Church. Many of the authors did not consider themselves active members and often gave reasons for not being part of the church. Sometimes as a member of the LDS Church, it's easy for me to dismiss the people who aren't there because they have no voice in our discussions. These essays helped me to see their legitimate reasons for leaving the faith tradition. There were also several instances where church teachings made a person's suffering worse. I don't often hear about those from men, and I would prefer to know about them than to ignore them.
The first third of the essays are more lighthearted, but still deal with masculine topics like getting a vasectomy and experiencing sexual impotence. Being a woman, I've had zero experience really thinking about these kinds of things. I was able to excuse the uneven quality of the writing for the sheer novelty of having insight into the domestic lives of men. I've read so much on domesticity from a woman's perspective through blogs, memoirs, and personal essays. But I think this was the first time I had read how various Mormon and Mormon-adjacent men feel about it. I appreciated Joey Franklin's candid view on "helping" with childcare and housework:
I'm restless for some kind of middle ground where every dish I wash and diaper I change doesn't turn into an apology for being male, where I can buy Melissa flowers and rub her feet without feeling as if I'm merely rebalancing the scales or, worse, buttering her up. I want a reality where we both can pursue our own interests and careers and the kids still get everything they need. Where developing my own sense of identity doesn't preclude Melissa from developing hers. I don't think Linda should feel guilty when she leaves in the morning, and neither should I. But the reality seems to be that if someone is going to stay home with the children, there is no middle ground.
Another aspect of the collection that I really enjoyed was the diversity of experiences with the LDS Church. Many of the authors did not consider themselves active members and often gave reasons for not being part of the church. Sometimes as a member of the LDS Church, it's easy for me to dismiss the people who aren't there because they have no voice in our discussions. These essays helped me to see their legitimate reasons for leaving the faith tradition. There were also several instances where church teachings made a person's suffering worse. I don't often hear about those from men, and I would prefer to know about them than to ignore them.
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June 2, 2022I didn't enjoy it as much as the first collection, Baring Witness, which probably has in part to do with where I'm at in life and in part to do with a particularly Mormon masculine tendency to talk a lot about their faith crises in ways that feel generic and verbose. But the work itself was worth doing, and all I can say is that I hope for a lot more collections on similar topics. The final essay made me cry. I don't have the capacity to believe in a straightforward, pure, 5 decades love anymore, and the multitude of essays here explore the multitude of reasons for that, but that most Mormon dream is still compelling.
October 18, 2024
Touching personal stories of men who left the LDS church and the costs and compromises that they made in their marriage relationships. Extremely touching stories.
Displaying 1 - 5 of 5 reviews